Saturday, August 1, 2009

My Process of Thought, Day "5"

EXPLANATION: I'd like to take the time to express why I missed a day of blogging especially so early into the development of this project. I didn't forget, nor was I being intentionally neglectful. I deliberately left my laptop at work last night during the day, while completing forgetting about this blog because I tend to blog at night. I was in my daytime mode. After reading what I wrote, I realize that my behavior isn't excusable, but I feel compelled, nonetheless, to provide an explanation for my actions or lack of. And I had already thought about my topic, too! Darn!

My intellectual process and operation is lost on me. I know I'm an intelligent person. My intelligence has been assessed and measured through tests, which frankly I find useless at times. But, most importantly, I demonstrate it on a regular basis. One of the two things people observe about me quickly is how talkative I am and that I'm a bright individual. I come to conclusions in rapid fast speed, yet I'm confounded by the components that make up the conclusion, the conclusions I came up with! How does that even make sense? What I think sometimes has to be explained to me. It doesn't bode well.

I actually asked a friend once if he thought I was an idiot because I feel like we spend hours trying to get me to understand even the most basic of elements. While I don't think I'm special ed, I wouldn't blame him for thinking so. He actually revealed to me that he felt quite the opposite. He said that he thinks I'm too quick for my own good, which is I'm unable to follow. I get to my destination without being able to observe how I got there because everything is moving so quickly. Another friend once told me that I'm subconsciously so much smarter than I consciously realize, and I think they're both correct. Subconscious I'm processing the information, but on a conscious level, I'm not aware of it. There are too many disconnects or too many things I don't fully understand. I think that's why common sense and basic elements are lost on me because those are simple and not meant to be processed quickly.

I don't like this paradoxical state that I'm in. I demonstrate signs of high intelligence, while I'm unable to function at a basic level. I'm always moving so quickly that I can't enjoy anything around me. It affects me emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Since the disconnect seems to occur between my subconscious and conscious mind, I think it's time I finally truly begin meditation. It's through meditation that I hope to "communicate" with my subconscious and open the gateway between the portals of my subconscious and conscious mind. Maybe then I'll be able to find the missing link. Everything has to work as a unity for it to function properly. It's possible to operate with only a few elements just as I had most of my life. I lead with fire or water elements, but I never incorporated air and earth. Just as I have to incorporate all of the elements - air, earth, fire, and water, I must incorporate everything so that my process of thought will be better-rounded.

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