When Will You Know?

I've discovered that the question, "when will you know" is an insightful way to see if how receptive and compatible I am with someone. I have a perpetual duality in me that keeps me diverse and open-minded since I'm forced to see both sides, but it also puts me in frustrating situations cuz I surround myself with people I fit with in some ways and not others. Although that's the case for everyone. But it feels more highlighted in my experience or it just affects me more cuz this is when it becomes most apparent for me.

I don't like confines and I like to be liberated. So I can understand why not everyone enjoys making plans cuz it reduces the amount of room for freedom and change to form. Keeping things ambiguous shelters you from restrictions. But asking questions of specificity isn't a warning that I'm attempting to suffocate you into fixed schedules! I don't like that such a common question triggers such insinuations! Especially from people I've known for a while cuz they should know me to be supportive and accomodating to thier lifestyles. If you've accepted me into your life cuz I understand how you are and I've never made you feel confined before, please keep that in mind the second your false alarm goes off that I might be trying to confine you... Just saying.

I suppose instead of saying "when will you know?" I should I ask when do you THINK you'll know? But most people who are put off by my question don't notice such distinctions, although in the future I'll try to include those extra words. I don't want to filter out signs that should reflect I'm trying to be considerate but I require information that affects me. While I'm making clarifications, I should explain in what circumstances I ask this question. It's not like I ask a guy I'm with when will you know whether you want me to be your girlfriend or not. That blows!

But if we mention in passing that we might hang out tonight, maybe, based on the outcome of something such as work responsibilities or whatever, don't be so surprised or suspicious that I'm trying to trap you. Maybe I'm just trying to plan, which you may not like, but not everyone shares your distaste. If things are up in the air, I won't hold it against you if things don't go according to plan. But I certainly don't want to sit around waiting mindlessly only for things to not work out when there's a possibility that you could've given me insight. I'll determine whether I'm willing to keep my schedule open for you.

If I'm asking for specifics, you're probably worth it. And this is the case for anyone and especially more so towards friends. So when I'm involved with someone and they express an apparent distaste for my specific inquiries as though I'm trying to trap them in a relationship, it's frustrating cuz I find I'm unable to convince someone in that mindset the truth. I ask everyone when will you know if uncertainties exist cuz I don't drive! I have to plan things! And most people I know go with the flow, so hang outs not happening aren't the end of the world for me. And I don't know is an acceptable answer and far more appreciated than "You know I don't like to plan things. You're suffocating me with these specific questions!" Ugh!

Clearing the air by giving perspective and insight into how this person isn't as important as others who I also ask these types of questions to are both pointless and ineffective. Just say I don't know! I think people who get upset by my question are more frustrated with the fact that they don't know the answer than my actual inquiry cuz they're so into their own thoughts. Besides these same people demonstrate an interest for specifics. The more I analyze it, the more I realize how irrelevant it is. They know I'm not trying to suffocate anyone. And they aren't receptive to the reassurance that I'm not trying to trap anyone.

Oddly enough this isn't something I'm currently struggling with cuz I don't want anyone reading this to worry that I'm going through something. I just remembered it cuz I asked a friend when will you know and he was receptive and gave me an estimate. He knows that if his estimate was inaccurate or it doesn't work out that I won't hold it against him cuz he's naturally aware. Not everyone is and it can cause a problem. I'd like to surround myself with people who understand this about me. I'm understanding to a fault. If I think I'll cause any sort of friction, I retreat and I sacrifice a lot of personal happiness in the process. I do all that and then to get accused of trying to change someone is insulting!

Just Cuz You Believe Something Doesn't Make It Real!

Everyone's entitled to their opinions. I'm a firm believer in that. But when you start approaching things as though your opinion were a fact, your actions have consequences. No matter how adamant you are about your beliefs, once you express something you can't take it back and everything has energy. If it's unnecessary to stir the pot, why do it?

It really annoys me when guys are convinced I really like them or anyone else cuz I seem to "connect" with . I have a lot of guy friends and I'm known to become platonic quick. I rarely like guys. If I told you how few guys I've actually liked, you'd probably accuse me of lying. Liking is such a sacred thing to me. It doesn't just happen casually or frequently for me.

There's nothing wrong with believing that I like you, but spreading it around and turning it into high school is annoying! I hate being put in that situation because there's nothing I can do to really dispel the rumor without fighting fire with fire, a route I refuse to take. I'm not so desperate to clear the air by revealing the truth which generally is something along the lines of the idea of being with you sexually repulses me. Cuz curiously enough, this keeps happening with much, much older men. So it's really disgusting, the notion of it all!

I'm really fortunate to have a lot of amazing friends! People wonder how a woman can have platonic guy friends. I'll tell you how. You meet good-hearted, intelligent men! The ones who are intuitive, perceptive, receptive, observant, aware, and realizes she acts this way with everyone. So she must not be interested in me. Or at the very least they aren't quick to fill their ego. And the key to telling if someone likes someone is the difference in the energy that's unique to that one person vs. everyone else.

If you constantly think I like every person I come in contact with and I reject every notion of it, why would you refuse to consider YOU could be wrong? I also don't appreciating feeling like what I say falls on deaf ears and makes me appear as though I'm lying since no one believes me. No one believes me cuz there's power in your thought when you project it onto others. At the risk of sounding conceited, why won't others believe you? You tell a bunch of older guys that a younger, attractive woman likes you. And since they're people you associate with and the energy we give off is the energy we attract, they quickly believe you. Simple minds come to simple conclusions.

News flash! I have a lot of friends. I'm unconventional, open-minded, and know people from many walks of life. I'm articulate, often times contributing to conversations which is virtually effortless when its a relateable topic. I hate this predicament I'm in cuz now when I defend myself, honesty makes me come off self-righteous, and that's not at all what I'm trying to convey.

Anyways I'm going to continue being honest/self-righteous. The only reason why they think I'm so impressive is because I can relate, which isn't a rarity like a true spark between two people. But again the energy you give off is the energy you attract. If you have this preconceived notion that women don't cook and only eat lean cuisine, that's all you're going to attract. Then another type of woman will be a shock to your system. But that's not because I'm actually this stupendously amazing person. Well maybe I am but not for the reasons you're crediting me for!

You just limit your exposure! And by you limiting your exposure, it has a consequence on me! You make me uncomfortable by convincing a roomful of guys that I'm attracted to them, all of who are the age of my father! If you were more open-minded and receptive, you'd attract more diversity in your life which in hopes will enhance your intelligence, observational skills, and intuition. Instead of carelessly saying crap!

***One more thing - if you're reading this and it sounds like I'm talking about you, then I probably am. Don't apologize to me. This whole notion is disgusting to me, and all I want to do is vent. I don't want to hear you apologize, then feel bad and tell you it's okay. Blah blah blah. It is okay. It's not that big of a deal. I promise. I just like releasing my thoughts here. I'm sure you care about me and had no intent to make me feel uncomfortable. I truly believe that. So please let it go. Don't bring it up. That defeats the whole purpose of blogging about it, so I can let it go!

Friendship Aborted!

If you're a racist, sexist, or homophobe, WE'RE NOT FRIENDS! If you've already revealed yourself to be any of these and I continue to maintain a civilized interaction with you it's because I've learned that as natural as it for me to experience anger towards you in an almost effortless sort of way, it's an exhausting energy I don't want to exert. You're just not worth it. As distasteful as your position is, you're an adult. Your belief is one you have a right to have. No matter how much I disapprove of it, that's undeniable.

When I was younger, I was a lot more intolerant, hot-tempered, and susceptibly confrontational. Those were undeniably leading factors but deep down inside, I thought maybe if I screamed violently enough, those imbecile thoughts of yours would burst and you might change as you gain new experiences. But since I'm older now and although people can go a lifetime without some of the most basic and fundamental of experiences, I've resorted to assuming that you've had time to make the most informed decision you'll allow yourself to make.

It's easier for me emotionally to accept this, too. I've got enough things to stress about in life. You're certainly not worth my energy. It's interesting how people don't realize they're wearing blinders. We perceive the world through our own understanding, our exposures and each person's is different. We're limited in what we can experience, so to believe that your life experience is enough to understand how things work is arrogant when it comes to something like this.

Now let me be frank, jokes about these things I have a tolerance for. Yes, I'm aware it's in poor taste and it's insensitive. Maybe it's because I can be callous, but I don't mind exchanging a few insults to gain some humor. I'm not always the classiest girl. What can I say? Maybe I cross the line, but I'm in a gray area. Since I'm not the one who gets hurt, I don't feel the pain and, more importantly, I understand that when it's a joke, it's a joke. Of course, not everyone will see it that way and that's something to consider. But my main concern is when you vehemently believe that it's justified and even acceptable to be a racist, sexist, or homophobe.

My position is inclusive to all three forms of discrimination, but what triggered this entry? A racist....former friend. There are cultural truths to certain stereotypes. I won't deny that. To recognize them is to be aware. I won't fault you for observational skills. But if you open your eyes wider, you'll discover that there are also inconsistencies and oppositions within those stereotypes, too, which is what makes being racist repugnant and unreliable.

Everyone is so different and unique. We may be connected to our upbringing and our culture, but we're also a separate entity from it, as well. Each person delivers a subliminally original vibration because of their individuality, unlike any other person. To dislike or hate a group of people over a generalized stereotype that's glued itself to certain races is a dangerous and tragic combination of ignorance and unintelligence. It's such a demonstration of how small minded you are because you only see one aspect and refuse to see anything else.

One day I went back to retrieve my water bottle but I was delirious from sleep deprivation and said I forgot my watermelon when, in fact, I forgot my water BOTTLE. There was no watermelon. The guy asks "are you black?" I'm not offended at this point. He says he hates watermelon and I'm shocked cuz I love watermelon and I share this with him. I guess it was one of those share moments, and he shares with me that he also hates black people, everyone single one of them and goes on a tangent about why they deserve his hatred. He goes on about how he abhors their ignorance as if he's absent of any, while simultaneously demonstrating to me an example of ignorance.

I'm left with this mixture of confusion, sadness, and anger. But before I elaborate on my reaction, I should probably backtrack to what he said so it makes sense to anyone who's reading this rant. He says that black people still bitch about slavery and want to get paid for suffering they didn't endure, it's greedy, selfish, unfair, stupid, and whiny. It's been fucking years. Quit your bitching! Nobody cares anymore. I hate every single one of them! As he's spewing all this, his girlfriend is looking at him both tenderly and sternly to stop. She knows what kind of man she got involved with and chooses to accept this side of him, but even she felt the need to silence him.

My mind was split. My heart was barely saddened by this outcome, as though maybe I already knew. The sadness barely sank in as my mind kicked in, rationalizing that he isn't worth any emotion. It's not tragic that he aborted our friendship; it'd be tragic if I never knew what kind of person he truly is. One side of me knew he wasn't worth investing a conversation with. Why engage in a futile battle? The other side wanted to react but was so bombarded with all this new information, it left me discordant. It took me a couple of days to gather thoughts the adolescent me would've instantly been able to address.

This is where my hesitation builds because this is such a sensitive subject and I don't want to offend anyone, but I also want to be honest about how I feel and give others an opportunity to make an informed decision about what they really feel about me. After reading this, some people may decide that they no longer want me as their friend. I hope that's not the case, but that's a choice they should be able to make. So I'll proceed in my thought.....

There are no words to describe how horrible it was for blacks to suffer slavery, and unfortunately it took much longer than it should have for people to come to this gripping reality. Those who lived a life of slavery weren't compensated for it. Not that any form of payment would justify or neutralize the cruelty, but no attempt could be made as many of them were deceased by the time equality kicked in. A true tragedy but to ask financial compensation for your ancestors suffering is albeit disconnected or at least that's the way I feel.

When a victim is injured from a car accident, do your spouse and offspring get compensated or do you, the injured victim, get compensated? That's the perspective I carry. But everyone's position is different and you're entitled to believe and desire whatever you want. Consider it to be in bad taste that SOME blacks want to be paid for their ancestors suffering. But what about the ones who don't feel that way? If you hate black people for a specific belief system that not every black person feels, why compartmentalize that every black person believes this? Do you really believe no black person disagrees? Where's the logic in that?

You can't be selective in your conclusion? Is it too much effort to sift through differing opinions? Obviously. And that's where his stupidity takes over the stage. Quite a bit of black people have expressed a desire for compensation and many of them live in the U.S. Of course, that isn't to say that Africans around the world can't carry that opinion, too, but this guy just goes on and on about this profiled type of blacks, as if there aren't other types of Africans around the world far beyond the scope of what he can imagine. To him, they all want a hand out, are ghetto, and uneducated.There are Africans in third world countries who have little to nothing to survive on and live self-sufficiently without expecting any assistance. Some of them never leave their home country and know multiple languages. He only knows what he observes and what he chooses to keep his eyes glued to.

After the burdensome process of being offended by his ignorance and callousness, I'm left saddened and in a twisted way morbidly curious of his resilience against open-mindedness. This guy demonstrated unintelligence, but he's actually rather smart, quick-minded, and educated. He can think expansively. If I carried his belief and thought all black people were idiots and saw how many blacks there are, I would've become desperate to find the ones that are intelligent because I don't want to think that they're all horrible. Wouldn't it be better if they were good people?

I'm sure I veered off in a selfishly discombobulated way, but it really makes wonder how people can be okay with being so hateful. It's a conflicting, violent feeling. It's unpleasant and negative. It has adverse effects. Why would you be content in that state of mind?

This actually means more to me than I'm willing to express. I don't feel that my black friends need to be defended for their beauty, maturity, success, intelligence, creativity, and all the other amazing qualities they possess because to me this isn't an argument I feel I have to win. This is just me processing all of this. But it was hurtful to me and not because I grew up in San Francisco and we're unbelievably tolerant or that so many of my friends are black, along with every other race you can think of. More importantly, my mother's white and my brother's white and black. They saved me when they adopted me. For anyone to hate them without knowing them is more of a loss for you than it ever will be for them. But it still stings.

The Unexpected Friends Who Remind me of the Value of Friendship, Day 289

This title and "reincarnation" of this entry is so much better than "I Shouldn't Have to Give You Instructions on How to be a Good Friend". I was in a situation where I really needed my friends, and the only three people I could really open up to about these things were unavailable to me. I was filled with resentment, frustration, pain, confusion, disappointment, selfishness, hypocrisy, and such negativity. I'll elaborate on it and I feel like my position was mostly valid, but it's such an unhealthy perspective to carry. Now I feel like I can step back and see the big picture instead of the distortion I was focusing on.

Every action has a consequence. Sometimes that's a good thing. If I had written an entry when I felt abandoned, I believe it would've been written well and it would've been very powerful. But I would've channeled something dark. So it wouldn't have been emotionally healthy. It would've be chaotic and full of hurt. So this is better even if it doesn't have that same raw intensity because there are more important things in life than my writing. This is something I especially want to be conscientious of when things aren't going so great, so that I step back and meditate on what truly matters and what's worth my time.

I've been having premonitions about a guy I liked for about a good year now. Not the entire time but you get the picture. I saw some things I wasn't ready to face. He's someone I usually go to about these things, but I don't want to scare him and it's not something I really want to share with him. He's one of the three people I can open up to and if it came down to it, I believe he'd be there for me. But I didn't test it out. It's not his fault he wasn't there for me. So I don't blame him at all. It was just difficult being alone in all of this.

I have so many friends, and people remind me of that all the time. But there's only three people I feel I could truly talk to about these things and in this particular case it was only two. One friend, I straight up asked him if it could just be the two of us because I really need to talk to him. I was clear that I really needed someone to talk to, and he chose to spend time with his girlfriend. He invited me along, but this wasn't a hang out for me and I believe I was clear about it.

I hate being an exclusivist but eventually I was open with both of them. I'm friends with her, too, but this is really private and intimate to me. She understands how close we are. I told them both that I'd like to only talk with him. She wasn't jealous but absent-mindedly selfish complaining about how she wants to know and doesn't like being excluded. Of course, he chooses to accommodate her over me. That really disappointed me because I would never do that. While I don't want to hurt anyone, I understand how difficult it is to open up. So I'd rather help my friend in need than satisfy someone's desires to be a part of everything. That's just not reality.

I was mostly disappointed in my friend's position because I've never known him to be like that. As for my other friend, she's a good person but I find her to be a lot more selfish around me than around others, so I wasn't too surprised by her reaction. Don't get me wrong. She wasn't trying to hurt me. I know that and I love her, but she was just killing me!

I'm not going to lie. That night I felt like she was enemy territory. She has no idea how selfless, considerate, and overly thoughtful she is of others. I became the person who showed her and assured her it's okay to be selfish and it is. But I feel like I become the friend everyone feels comfortable being selfish around. I'm happy that they're making progress in their emotional self-growth, but I hate feeling like I'm the only one paying the price for it. I get the short end of the stick.

Her friend molested me once and she spent the better portion of the evening constantly alternating between endless apologies and the incessant "Why didn't he molest me?" and "how sad now that I can't be friends with him because I love how we can talk about meditation and spirituality." Really? Are you kidding me? Do you not realize how incredibly inappropriate and selfish that is to bring up at a time like that? And in case you're wondering, she believes me. It's just when she doesn't understand something, she runs around in circles and can be rather oblivious.

I don't blame her at all for that guy's actions, and I know she carries that guilt with her. I wish she would just unburden herself. But I hated how she couldn't just be there for me. And when this happened, she was another road block. I can't understand why she just can't turn her selfishness off for me, her friend, for just a brief amount of time. She tells me straight up that she wants to hang out with just him, so she understands the irreplaceable bond between two people. I may not be his girlfriend but a bond is a bond. She has to know that.

But I fully understand that regardless of her position, he had a choice. And he chose her. I hate thinking in terms like this, though, and I resent him for putting me in this situation. I'm a friend in need. He hangs out with her all the time. I felt like he was being selfish, a crappy friend, neglectful, and in a way saying your pain is a lower priority for me, enough to disregard anyways. On the other hand, though, let's examine me for a moment, shall we?

I'm pissed because my friend won't make time for me. I'm pissed because my friend didn't choose to separate from what's making him unbelievably happy to enter a paralleled world that isn't his own to help someone else when he could be where he wants to be. I'm asking him to strip himself away from happiness. What kind of friend does that make me?

I suppose it doesn't matter because he never made time for me after all.....

I have another friend who I feel I can share just about anything with. Yet we can't always be there for each other. He was going through a lot, too. I don't want to further burden him. I really don't. But paradox is a bitch. As much as I didn't want to bother him, I so desperately wanted to feel better and it ached for me that he was suffering, too. We can both be selfish and stubborn as all Hell, but we have this innate capacity to really be there for each other. We never let the perpetuating negativity consume us and amplify when the two energies merge. We're good for each other. I could've helped him, just like he could've helped me. And it sucked that he went MIA, so that didn't happen.

As much as I'm promoting altruism, it's undeniable the selfish position I stood on. After all if he needs space, that's what he should have. Even if I could help him, sometimes we want what we want. And who am I to really say that me being there for him would've been better than the path he chose?

I'm just really disappointed because I understand the desire to choose your own happiness than help someone else in pain because once you feel theirs, it permeates you. But I always do it for my friends. I have premonitions of what kind of relationship I can have with this guy that I've liked for so long and my friend doesn't know this, but I went to visit him instead of stay and let that relationship grow. I took a plane to make sure he was okay because he was heartbroken instead of build on my own happiness.

I know my friend sensed it because he asked me what I would've done this weekend if I didn't visit him and I told him to not worry. I lied to him and said nothing more important than this. He could see right through the deceit and I can tell his heart was breaking for me and he felt bad because he's a good friend. He apologized and I ignored him. That's what I did for him. And he couldn't even send me an impersonal text? That hurts.

The timing sucked. I felt so alone. I felt even crummier hanging out with my couple friend. Earlier in the day was fun. I made a new friend, but things took a turn as premonitions flooded me. I know my well intentioned friend just wanted to make sure I was okay, and I totally lied to her. What was I supposed to do? Ruin the evening by accusing her of contributing to our other friend being a selfish friend and hash out that jerk who molested me that she's already haunted by? What would that solve? I pretended to be okay, but I was doing a terrible job. She accused me of never being like that, and that really irritated me. I've been like that for months because of the new dynamics of our friendship. She was always just too oblivious and self-involved with everyone else's feelings but mine to realize. So for her to tell me how I am really struck a nerve.

We ended up going to a crystal house which was much needed, a spiritual experience for a spiritual struggle. That's exactly what I needed, and our ride turned out to be someone who was there during the best day of my life! I talked to him the least, but it was so refreshing to see a familiar face associated with a positive time. We totally bonded and it was just great!

It's thanks to him that this blog has a completely different tone. It's still really difficult for me to express gratitude, but I hope he feels it and understands what he's done for me. Just his presence, the opportunity to see him again, and taking us to the crystal house was just incredible. He's so laid back and we began talking about writing and the value of experiences for self-growth. He wants to read my blog and he's exactly the kind of person I want reading this. But I didn't want to give it to him without including this entry because I'm so grateful for what he did for me. Sometimes the most precious thing is priceless, to be there for someone. You were just a ride and a stranger, but thank you so much!

And when we arrived, I had an opportunity to talk with a spiritualist who that night became my friend. I remember I instantly sensed a different presence in her when I first met her. There was a group of people, and I was drawn to her. She gave me some great advice last time and is so talented. I asked to speak with her and she was so receptive.

I actually couldn't bring myself to tell her about what's been going on. I had her read what I wrote about it. She seemed so moved and not in a comforting, I'm there for you because you're in pain sort of way but in a I just hit a nerve and we now have a bond that's just ours sort of way. She puts it down and says in the most genuine way I've ever heard anyone say, "I completely understand." (And by the way that's a script I'm asked to recite to customers when we fail them, so I'm not moved by it very much nowadays). But when she said it, I felt something change in me. She goes through the same thing, but she had a different perspective but it happens to her in a different way. It was truly beautiful.

Thank you so much, both of you guys!

Driven to the Edge of Desperation, Insanity, and Eventual Motivation, Day 246

After having a severe case of constipation, I found myself glued to the toilet as ants were lurking. All of a sudden I'm finding ants crawling around the toilet seat that I'm sitting on and climbing all over my legs. How bizarre and invasive is that? It's not like I had a jar of spilled sugar anywhere. So where did it come from and why was it even there?

The timing is mind blowing. The weather's been crazy hot lately and that's known to attract ants, but it's been feeling like Satan's breath for a while now. But of all the days for ants to be all over the toilet, it had to be that day! The one day when I was going to practically take residence there.....My friend who lives right next to me found the source where ants were entering - the garage!

I went to bed that night feeling sick. I found myself slapping my face paranoid that ants were crawling all over me but just around my face. I guess that should've been a sign that it was more than just paranoid and actuality. I just brushed it off as a negative reaction to the bathroom experience. I wake up the next morning to find that the perimeter of my bed was surrounded with a swirl of ants like a freaking marching band! Why would they be all over the place and selectively around the perimeter of my bed??? What, did I smear honey all over my fingers and rub the corners of my bed thoroughly? It makes no sense!

It led me to chuck everything! I gave my bed to a friend who loves the generic tempur pedic mattress my ex gifted me after we had broken up. Two years after we broke up and practically playing Cupid for me and the next guy who also had a bromance with my ex, he bought me a mattress because he had a bad feeling that I would hurt myself on my breaking air mattress. It was such a sweet and generous gesture. It's like the ex gave it to me to encourage fucking the next guy. It didn't work out with him and then there was another guy. So this mattress has a lot of odd associations and unique history of my past.

I wasn't repulsed by it. But at that point, it made me realize how used up it's been and I was gravitating towards change, birth, reinvention, starting over, freshness. My mattress didn't represent any of that. It's a story of my past and it carries memories between the pores of the mattress. And now it was laced with filthy ants.

My bed platform is also a unique story and representation of my past, my friends, my persistence, the support my friends provide me with and the effort they put in for me, their dedication, their selflessness, their contribution, an undying strength, an accumulation of experiences that can be referenced. It's symbolic of so much. It's a crappy, aging IKEA piece. Some of the parts have fallen off, broken apart, and it's been replaced and repaired with real wooden pieces and even handmade metal parts substituted in place of wood. One corner piece I snatched from a UCLA dorm when a guy was chucking his bed which was the same model as mine.

I held onto it for so long for so many reasons. I'm cheap. I became attached to it. It was more convenient to keep it than replace it. My friends put so much effort in supporting my irrational decision. They put time and blood into it that they didn't have to for me.

But at that moment everything changed. All of these sentiments and attachments existed, but I was no longer clinging to them. I was ready to let go of the the material possessions that represent my past so that I can move forward. I tore apart my bed and attacked it as a coping mechanism to my roommate returning after an unforgivable and defining betrayal which was also an attack against my past.

I didn't know it at the time I was removing a pivotal furniture piece from a miscellaneous living room area that I carved into a comfortable spot that it would aid in my transition towards a new change, a new path, the direction I need to pursue for a better future. By seeing the vacancy in my space giving a sparse, uncomfortable, less homey look, it gave this non-permanent feeling like I'm between spaces and I have to fulfill the void and complete the unfinished task of going forward in my life. All of this happened by getting rid of my comfortable, affordable bed.

I had to be driven to the edge of desperation and insanity to reach the motivation I need to not be stagnant.

The Significance of An Experience is Defined by the Value We Give It,

The significance of an experience is defined by the value we give it. Something happened to me, and I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. How do I put into words what happened? Where do I begin? How do I do this?

I've always been a spiritual person, but I've only recently started to really explore it when that side of me surfaced in an undeniable sort of way. Not everyone has the beliefs I have and I respect that, but I believe what I know. My experiences define reality for me, as it does yours. I get premonitions.

Since then I've attracted a lot of spiritually-connected people, and I'm grateful to have met them. But it's inevitable to meet someone dark lurking in the shadows waiting to exploit others for whatever reason. And I was victim to one of them. God, I hate admitting that because I feel like I'm trying to absolve responsibility and I'm not. But no matter how much something irritates me to admit, it doesn't take away from reality.

That's why I decided to blog about this. It's such a personal, private, invasive, disgusting experience, and part of me wants to just forget about it. I'm so skilled at pushing thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the back of my mind. But it stays with me and builds on me. I created this blog to learn to be more open. I worry that if I ignore this and the next time something like this happens in a completely different setting that I'd snap and I don't want that. If I've learned anything in the past couple of years, it's that you can't ignore your feelings. No matter how much you hate the experience, what happened, what you did and didn't do, what happened happened.

I went to the beach with a friend and her friend wanted to come along. The first time I've ever heard her talk about him, I got a weird feeling. But I brushed it off since I didn't sense any danger and it was totally judgmental of me. When he wanted to join us, I had a WTF sort of feeling. But I ignored it that, too.

My friend and I began talking about the emotional and spiritual impact that the beach has on a person's soul and how different places possess different spiritual properties that restores, rejuvenates, and invigorates us in a way as uniquely as the elements that represent them. When my friend's friend, the dark "spiritualist" returned (because he went back to his apartment twice - first to get us a blanket and second time to park my friend's car in a different spot), he joined the existing conversation. It felt natural to talk about meditation, spiritual powers, premonitions, the energies that exist in all of us, etc. He asked if he could read my energy by taking my hand.

I let him. His hands sandwiched mine. I tried to be as open as possible, but I warned him that I've become detached lately. Within seconds, I felt a transference of energy leave me. It was slight, mild, brief, but I imagined seeing it. It felt more pulled away from me than I released it, but I also know that I gave it to him. Shortly after he said that my powers come from my past, and he offered to open up my chakra and explore the energies within me.

I've always been fairly open to that stuff, but I did question his level of power at one point because he wanted my friend's participation. He asked her to close her eyes, put her hand on my head, and think of the most highest power and direct it towards me. It seemed fine at the time. I was cold, so I covered myself in the blanket. I also put on my sunglasses to protect my eyes from the sand. He began to place his hands over my body. It began with his hand around my belly button area and he started pressing around it, which reminded me of a pap smear.

I thought it was odd but I'm new to this. Now I feel incredibly stupid because this creeper probably exploits the unawareness of girls to further his agenda. And I fell for it! I never thought I'd become one of those girls who just takes it out of uncertainty. I always thought to myelf, "How do you not know?" I guess ignorance is an easier practice than awareness.

He continued to do this under my clothing. I had a top on and a bathing suit underneath. I distinctly remember him traveling his hand to my left boob through the inner top of my bikini instead of from slipping his hand from the bottom of the bikini. I opened my eyes for a second because I questioned that action only to see his eyes open and focused, rather than sexually pleased. His hands were cupping my boob so closely that I felt his hand resting on my nipple. There was no fonding, no squeezing, just physical contact. When I asked myself if this is okay, a spiritualist I met at a crystal house responded, "No, it's not."

Out of everyone there, I could sense and feel her powers. I was drawn to her. It was concentrated. When she sits there and observes, it's just such an infusion of controlled strength. When she talks to people, the energy subdues. It isn't this captivating sense but turns into this open and receptive energy surrounded by a sense of tangibility like you can reach her or at least see her. She isn't a million miles away like she seems when she's sitting there silently or at least that's the way it was for me.

So it was incredible that I could feel her presence there with me when she wasn't but she was. Before I could make sense of any of it, the dark spiritualist had already slipped his hand to my other boob. It all happened so quickly that I'm not even sure what part of my bikini area he slipped his hand through. It's like when I returned, his hand was already placed there.

I'm beginning to realize both the burden and dangers of over-thinking because I'm not focused, not focused on how I feel. My head's too busy spinning. My first thought was, "What the fuck?" That should've been enough to make him stop, but I proceeded into my analytical nature by asking is this okay, how do you know if it is, remembering that I've never had this done before, so I'm not aware of the etiquettes, etc. All these questions overwhelmed me and distracted me from what should've been done. My mind may have been confused but my spirit wasn't because I kept telling myself to not freak out. I still don't know how to control my power, so keep myself in check. You don't want to release something you can't control; you don't want to release something you can't control. Then it ended there.

He seemed collected enough but also disturbed by what he "saw." I question his honesty and integrity, but intuitively I believe that he was genuinely freaked out. As well he should! Was it something he could've faked? Absolutely. It's a perfect profile move to make and I don't doubt that a person like that would do such a thing, but I truly believe that he was frightened spiritually.

It was damp on the bridge of his nose on the right side. Where did that miscellaneous liquid come from? He was characteristically disturbed and said that I was murdered in my past life. I had no reaction. No fear, no intrigue, no shock, no curiosity, an absence of anything. How unlike me and this wasn't because I was still shocked. That was my reaction to his claim.

He began elaborating that I was a man in my past life, that I was interested in Buddhism, I wasn't a practicing monk but many of my friends were and that I was drawn to it, the source of my dark powers come from others, that the dark karma in me isn't my own but was put there, I resisted for a long time but eventually it became a part of me, and I was spiritually murdered by those who were jealous of my powers. He said that I was a good person in my past life.

There may be elements of truths to that because con artists twist the truth. They manipulate it to their advantage. They turn truths into their allies. I do believe that I have some dark karma carried over from my past life because unbelievable things keep happening to me in unimaginable ways. I believe I have a strong source of power, and I fear that it comes from a dark place. Others have sensed this from me, as well. But I'm skeptical about what he told me in particular. For one thing, I wasn't very open.

He was shivering and shaking from that experience. He claimed it's because he's really cold, but he broke through something and that we can continue it at his apartment. Now, I'm a lot more level-headed. My friend has intuitive powers, too, whether she's aware of it or not. Or maybe she was channeling me. I don't know, but it was her that was advocating on my behalf when I was still in a speechless state of shock.

What a bastard! First he says the ocean has good energy, which it does. He lives across the fucking street from the ocean and claims that he doesn't need a jacket. Then after exploring my chakras he's shaking because he's cold and suggests continuing in his apartment. Are you shitting me? Like you can't measure the temperature and plan accordingly, you jack ass! But I felt that it was more than the cold. He felt my power.

By then I knew I was more powerful than he is. He probably got terrified by it. And good! I'm glad he got freaked out. Karma, bitch! You do something bad. And you feel bad. He left to get his jacket, while my friend and I stayed behind. As he walked away, I came close to my friend and asked her if he ever did that to her. He kept looking back nervously. Now why would someone do such a thing? I wonder...

My friend agreed that it wasn't appropriate, that it's totally invasive and if he were going to do that that I should've been warned. I totally agree. I was demonstrating what he was doing to me by grabbing at her boobs. For a while we were having that conversation and she wasn't aware that he went under my clothing and bikini! She was shocked. She already knew it was unacceptable before I explained it clearly enough. And of course it fucking is! How could I have been so stupid????

What the Hell is honestly wrong with me? The fact that I kept telling myself to stay grounded, to not release the dark energy in me, that wasn't enough to tip me off? Really, really? When did I become so fucking special ed? When did I become a participating victim offering implied consent?

Don't get me wrong. This guy's a jerk. I'm by no means trying to transfer blame on myself to minimize his. But I do believe that we train how others treat us. They'll do whatever they want, but to deny that we don't have an influence is naive. I didn't say or do anything that expressed disapproval or address how completely unacceptable that is. He deserved to know, and I kept it from him.

It's crazy to think that, in reality, I was sexually harassed and it qualifies as being molested. But it wasn't an extreme form. I wasn't traumatized by it. I know it happened, though, because I was there. And yet I didn't react in a way I would've suspected someone to react, so I wouldn't blame someone for doubting me. Something fucked up happened to me and I end up feeling guilty because of my own actions or lack of. I'm left feeling inadequate more than invaded. This isn't something I should even be burdened to feel.

The old me would've ripped him to shreds. I'm small, but don't think for a second that I can't do any damage. I made a guy piss blood for a week after he crossed the line with me and I saw him telling a girl to sit on his lap right in front of me (boyfriend at the time). Oh and I dislocated his nose. And I've done way worse. If I let the old me out, this guy would've had a distinct deep scar on his cheek that people can't ignore left as a reminder of what he did to me. I would've easily injured him in the knees.

If a person has a scar on their face and walks awkwardly, people easily become suspicious. Now I keep thinking to myself, how many other girls will he continue to do this to because I haven't done my part to discourage him? I doubt this was his first time and considering how he got away with it, it won't be his last. But if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt and say this was his first time, what's to stop him from doing it again? He developed no social conditioning against it. If I had fucked him up, he'd think twice before doing it again. He'd wake up to that experience every morning when he looked at himself. That's what should've been done.

I don't have a problem with violence. I believe it serves a purpose in society. It's misused, abused, and resorted to too recklessly, but I'm not against the existence or selective practice of it. This would've been a good example of that.

You could judge me all you want and think until you turn blue that I was stupid for not reacting. I feel that I deserve that reaction. But it makes me so livid that people like him exist and puts people in those types of situations. The truth is that if he was going to do something like that, you should warn someone AND get permission. If you didn't ask permission because you felt uncomfortable, you shouldn't do it! He's a creep, but he's by no means stupid. He's socially aware that it's taboo.

I was invaded and question the seriousness and degree of that experience because my reaction wasn't the classic victimized one. I feel inadequate over my ability to process experiences. I felt guilty for indulging in who I am because it left me vulnerable. I feel like crap for being so ignorant and lacking in common sense. Then I feel bad because I've invested more energy in making myself feel worse, as if he hasn't already done that only to realize that I've neglected to channel hatred towards him. It's exhausting!

My friend believed me, but she was still shocked by what happened. She was both surprised and impressed that I intuitively disliked him from the beginning. She kept asking over and over and over why he would do something like that, while simultaneously mourning for the death of their friendship because she enjoys the spiritual conversations she had with me. And she wonders why he didn't do that to her because he had plenty of opportunities. Can you make it more about you? I don't want to be burdened with her excess thoughts, too, but it just came out of her like word vomit. The most intolerable thing for me was how she kept expressing guilt for introducing me to him because she felt like she shared the blame. That really aggravated me because I don't blame her for this, but the more she said it, the more hostility I felt toward her because by repeating it, it's like she's ignoring me. Doing that to someone can be a form of disrespect and I already experienced enough of that that day.

Don't get me wrong. I know she didn't mean to. But I was already feeling the pressure. That's how I felt and what was going through my mind. I'm not even sure how I was supposed to feel. How can I possibly give her some or any sense of closure? I don't have the resources, knowledge, or energy to. And at the time, I didn't have the desire to, either.

Since I can be a dark and perverse person, I can understand why someone would do something like that. There's thrill in getting away with something. And while it was happening, I realized the genius behind his plan. Yes, I honestly thought this and I still didn't do anything. I guess I thought if it wasn't sexual, then it's not invasive. But it's also unnecessary and a form of respect to not do stuff like that! How did that thought not click in my mind?

It makes perfect sense to do exactly that. Maybe a sexually stimulating opportunity like that hadn't presented itself around my friend. Maybe she's not his type. Who knows? Who cares? I didn't want to over analyze anymore because it was that that made me miss such an obvious truth, that what he did was unacceptable.

We parted ways and hung out with another friend. Him, I love and I was so happy to see him because it was his presence that made that day a good day. If it wasn't for him, the entire day would've been terrible. We were just at his place hanging out and having a good time.

It's kind of nuts how something like that can happen and then I can turn around and enjoy the rest of my day, as though nothing happened. There's danger in that. I have so many psychological pockets of escape where dark thoughts hide until it breeds and mutates into something else. By then, it's hard to tell where it came from, what it was born out of it, or that it's even there. But you know what? I realized instead of tripping about how I feel about something, how I don't feel about something, this is what came to me. This is my quote: "The significance of an experience is defined by the value we give it."

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF AN EXPERIENCE IS DEFINED BY THE VALUE WE GIVE IT.

I'm glad and proud of myself for not allowing the earlier day's experience to tarnish the evening. I FINALLY have a phone! It was brought to my attention a while back that all of my ringtones are suggestive. Background story: This guy I was going out with made me come to this realization. At first, I was in denial and resisted it until I embraced it. We were lying in bed snuggling, talking, and maybe there was a kiss or two involved. It was definitely romantic and intimate, but it wasn't sexually heating up yet when all of a sudden I get a call with a ringtone "I'm a prisoner of love, prisoner of love!!!" I jumped out of bed with a sigh of "finally!" He asked me who the fuck is that? My other friend's ringtone is Savage Garden's Crash 'n Burn. He grins at me and says, "you know all of your ringtones are suggestive, right?" Well to this day, I carry that theme. Continuation and return to original point: I told my friends that I need suggestive ringtones.

One of them is a foreigner, so she didn't understand the connotation of "suggestive." We spent a better duration of the evening making suggestive jokes. It was pretty hilarious, but is it weird that I can be so lighthearted after such an experience? Am I in that much of a denial phase? Did I just suppress it? Am I that desensitized? Does it really bother me? If it does, then how come I was able to function as though nothing happened? Am I that broken? Did it not bother me because it meant nothing to me? That's just as twisted. I can go on forever about why I reacted the way I did, but it is what it is.

I talked to a friend about it, and he opened up to me about his own experiences, things I wouldn't dare elaborate on. But there's one thing he said that gave me comfort. He didn't know it was wrong. It didn't feel wrong to him. It felt weird but not wrong. Sometimes you just don't know. And there are people in this world who take advantage of that.

It's a tragic reality. They take something away from us when that happens. I left feeling confused, conflicted, inadequate, stupid, and I consciously carried it over with me. I told a co-worker about my experience at the beach, but I distorted the truth. What was I supposed to say to someone I've known for like a fucking week? That some jerk felt me up and I laid there like an idiot?

I don't want to title myself the moron, and it's not something he'd want to hear. But it bothers me that I felt the need to lie. I lied because I have a problem with the truth, with reality. And if that's the case, I shoud've said something. I should've done something. I can't control the actions others, but I could control my own. That's something I have to remember.

He's not the only person I lied to, either. I guess this blog is like my form of confession. I'm releasing it because I'm hoping it'll heal me. But in all honestly, it doesn't hurt knowing that one friend doesn't read my blog. He complains about how long it is. Yet he reads like 400-500 page novels! Maybe he does read my blog. It's a beautiful lie I sometimes like to indulge in.

I feel so stupid. A couple days before all of this happened, he was showing me some jiu jitsu moves. The truth is that I could've really damaged this guy, but I didn't let myself realize what was really happening or I'm just that dense. I'm still not really sure. I'm not ready to tell him the truth. Maybe I never will be, but I certainly feel bad about lying, not enough to confess directly, though. So this is all I have to offer. If by any chance you're reading this, thank you for providing me with the knowledge I could've used. It's crazy how I learned those moves at a point in my life before I could've used them. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I also believe that we don't always take advantage of it.

As for my co-worker, he doesn't even know about the existence of this blog unless he read my facebook profile and observed the link to this blog but few people do. It's interesting how many people are unaware of my blog. After mutual friends and acquaintances complimented me on my blog around a closer friend of mine, I realized how many people don't read it and how much I'd like them to. So I sent out what seems like an impersonal mass email, but it's 100% genuine. It shares some insights and depths into why I blog and why I chose a select group of people to share it with for reasons that aren't as tangible but an intuitive desire.

I appreciated the outcome of that decision, so I decided to every so often send that email out whenever I meet people I'd like to share my thoughts with. I met some amazing people at work that I plan to send that mass email out to. If you do take the time to read my blog, please know that I chose you because you have made a bigger impact in my life than you realize. Writing to me is an intimate practice, and it means the world to me.