There's Happiness and Then There's Happiness

This is something my mind has been circling around a lot lately. But I've resisted from blogging about it cuz it's still such an obscure concept. I guess I've been thinking that there are two kinds of happiness. (Okay, I don't really believe that but these are the two that my mind keeps returning to).

When I think of one of the type, a specific group of friends come to mind. They're in their thirties and are content with their lives. They enjoy waking up, spending time with friends, and they're financially secure. They don't have particularly satisfying jobs. It's not mentally challenging. Retail, customer service, or call center jobs tests our patience, but it's a skill you develop over time. Even maid work. These are jobs that high school students can be trained to do.

So their source of happiness certainly doesn't come from their employment. Maybe their standards are lower. Maybe they just have a healthy perspective on the matter that I lack. I'm not sure what it is. All I know is I haven't been able to be happy with those types of jobs. I don't think less of them for not aspiring for a different career. I just wonder how they do it. Although it doesn't really matter cuz I'm not like them, and I'm not even sure I want to be. But that doesn't mean I don't envy their ability to be happy.

I feel like my feelings exist in a paralleled or suspended state between a mild sense of unhappiness as a result of no career and a feeling of indifference over it all cuz I haven't found anything to be passionate over. I seem to develop ambitions and aspirations, but I have no motivation to pursue them. I sound lazy and I can't confidently say I'm not. But I bust my ass making ends meet. It's not the habit of a lazy person. It'd be less strenuous to work towards a career. I can't help but feel like I'm not driven cuz I haven't found something worth my time and attention. That excuse gets old and frustrating, though, cuz if I can't find something that really captivates me, then do I continue down this path of uncertainty? How annoying do I sound? The other happiness is probably more accurately described as self-fulfillment or at least that's the source of happiness obtained through a successful career. I don't define successful as lucrative but emotionally gratifying.

I guess I'm searching for both forms of happiness since I don't feel connected to either of them. I'm not unhappy or depressed, but I want to feel more than I already do. This isn't meant to be a downer entry. It's just a thought that's been dominating my mind and I wanted to release it, so I can focus my thoughts on other matters.

Random Thoughts

Maybe this daily writing isn't working cuz rather than waiting for thoughts to marinade, I fill the pages with random thoughts just so I do something everyday. What's the point of doing something everyday if the results aren't adequate? I guess I'm developing discipline, but not quite in the way I wanted to. I feel like a lonely receptionist cuz I end up having lunch alone because everyone else leaves at the same time. Then I'm stuck watching the front desk. It's expected considering my job, but it leaves me feeling alone. Everyone goes to lunch with someone but me. It gets lonely.

I have a lot of friends, but sometimes I feel so alone as if I don't have any. My friends are usually so busy that I'm unable to just pick up the phone to spend the day with them. I have one friend I can do that with, but even that's become routine and limited to certain days. I'm trying to be understanding that sometimes people are busy or get into a funk. When you're financially constrained or have car problems, it makes hanging out difficult. Not everyone's willing to just go carless.

It'll be my birthday on Monday and I wonder if anyone outside of fb friends who get notified will remember. I'm having a small gathering and I'm still not sure everyone can make it. I wonder if my mom and brother will remember if it's my birthday and give me a call. It'd be nice to hear from them. I really wanna watch Secret World of Arrietty tonight. I never feel like watching movies at full price, but it's been a while since I've had that movie experience and it'd be a nice pre-birthday treat. I doubt I can even find someone to go with, though.

I could care less about getting a year older, but I don't like the circumstance attached to my age. I'm now at an age where older guys feel comfortable hitting on me. I feel like I've made progress on keeping that sort of energy away, but it makes me wonder how I'm supposed to make friends. I don't like the idea that guys that are too old try to "bag" me cuz they want to recapture their youth, and although they sense my distance, they're desperate to proceed. It doesn't make me feel good. Even worse, they seem to be the only guys giving me attention except it's unwelcome.

I just found out that one of my co-workers, the only one who I feel I could've developed a friendship with quit. We had plans to go shopping today. I guess I can't blame a stranger for not informing me when it's not that imperative to let me know, and she's dealt with a lot - her grandmother's death, being really sick, the most ridiculous commute time ever, and a sexist supervisor that's overworked her. I hate feeling like this cuz I'm whiny. I try to regulate myself with understanding perspectives, but it leaves me feeling left out and alone. This job isn't good for my social and emotional self-esteem. I sit alone all day and when lunch rolls around, I sit alone eating at my desk. There's worse and I know that. But it doesn't change the fact that it leaves me feeling so horrible.

Blogger's pissing me off. I can't post recipes without a bunch of spaces between each line, and I don't know how to reverse it. The settings are the way they should be.

Today is Moving by Fast

I decided I want to create a blog that focuses on holistic living, and I spent quite a bit of time writing on that. Time moved by quickly. I got to talk to a co-worker of mine I hardly chat with. She's quiet but really sweet. You could tell she's a good soul. I also worked more on my Moments to Cherish journaling, which I enjoyed. Two days ago I started using the glycolic acid moisturizer. The first night my skin was smooth and beautiful, but last night I didn't notice its effects probably cuz I didn't sleep much. I feel much more rested, though. I got to share with someone that I know his sudden termination at a job was for the best cuz although he doesn't really know me, I'm an intuitive person. It was nice that he reached out to me, so I could tell him. I tried before but fb just wasn't cooperating. I enjoyed a slice of ice cream cake for breakfast. That was yummy! I feel like I've had a productive day today. I don't have as much result to show for it as I'd like, but time didn't feel like it was moving slowly and I got to focus on things that are important to me. I order a blueprint for my astrological chart, but this one is unique to me rather than just astrology. I received an email from that woman, and I really look forward to the results. I also got to talk to my brother briefly. He sliced off a piece of his finger yesterday, but he's doing better and it's not nearly as bad as I thought it was. It's not raining today and yesterday I got to avoid getting wet, which was a relief. Wow, my entry's scrambled. I just wanted to write before the day escaped me. :)

OCDing at Work

I'm starting to dislike this habit I'm developing. I'm glad I finally got a job that's more conducive to my personal goals and meets the kind of standards I desire, but I'm falling back on bad habits. Because I have the permission and freedom to web surf, that's how I fill my day. Of course I fulfill my job duties, as well, but I'm not taking advantage of this free time like I should be. I could be writing, but instead I'm looking at things in a patterned sort of way. I'm indulging my OCD.

I don't feel incapable of stopping, nor do I think I'd be overcome with an unsettling feeling. So it isn't stress-induced, just bad habits forming. I'm worry that if I don't stop and take advantage of this opportunity, this temp to hire won't turn into hire cuz the universe won't feel that my habits are conducive to my goals. So I really need to focus, but I have zero interest to pursue my writing projects. Why is that?

Do I deep down not want to develop those books I've always told myself I'm interested in? Is this related to my fear of beginning something when I'm uncertain of what my first step should be? Why am I so afraid of taking a step? These questions won't solve or change my habits, but I want to address them publicly. This way I'll recognize the concern for what it is, rather than continue down this path. Unfortunately I don't see myself reforming any time soon, but awareness is important. Rather than burying the truth so I don't have to deal with it, I'd rather express it, even if it takes me a while to correct it.

My Subconscious Speaks to Me

I have quite a few thoughts I'd like to express, but I find myself rather unmotivated to elaborate on them. The danger of withholding these information is that these thoughts take up space when my mind should be freer. So I decided out of all the topics I want to address this is an appropriate selection. My subconscious thoughts. My subconscious speaks to me through my dreams, which must mean that I'm not dealing with them properly or at all in my waking life.

I used to remember most of my dreams and they were rather vivid, so vivid that some people doubted my honesty. But as you get older, people become more receptive and open-minded to things. We may become more hardened and distrustful with the added layers of betrayal that unfortunately comes with time, but we stop being so narrow-minded, too. Things begin to have dimensions and complexities. But I digress....

My point is that for a long while I've forgotten my dreams until lately. Now I don't recall any recurring dreams, but the same person keeps surfacing within my dreams. It was a guy I was involved with but we were never together. We spent three years as somewhat distant friends.

Let me elaborate. We worked together and saw each other only once a week. We fully immersed ourselves in extensive emails when we did communicate, but we didn't talk to each other regularly. We had our own separate lives and aside from our professional connection, our lives didn't intertwine except for the email interactions which were actually really deep. It's interesting because it was clear we liked each other and put a lot of effort into each other but only when we did. We did that for three years before we finally got involved.

It was discussed thoroughly and we had an understanding that it wasn't a relationship. Later I discovered it's because although he wanted to be with me, he didn't have the time. Next thing you know he moved. I know there were reasons beyond his control, but I felt like he was able to make those decisions effortlessly as though I were never a factor. And if what we had was a casual encounter that makes sense. His residence fluctuates. Currently he's local but that'll change shortly until he returns here again.

With all this going on, I made the decision to end things. As much as I liked him, it felt like we were just floating and suspended in midair, never really going anywhere. I'm not really sure what I had in mind. All I knew before anything got started was that I clearly liked him and couldn't see those feelings go away. Three years! So I, we, felt that they should be explored and we did. Not that I was ever completely satiated romantically anyways, but for a while it worked. Eventually I realized I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it, and that's why I ended things. It was never because I stopped liking him.

In fact, I've had premonitions of our unborn children. As receptive as he's always been and despite the fact that he was the one who was always there for me as I struggled with premonitions, I felt burdened by what I saw and kept them from him only to discover that he's sensed the spirit of our children. I vaguely sensed our son but I suppressed him. He didn't. Life is full of surprises.

I really want to meet our daughter, but I can't base on my present choices on future possibilities. I want more from someone I'm intimate with than he can offer me. I also met someone else I really like, and I don't want anyone to think that he's rebound because he's so much more than that. Also, the fact that I was able to like someone else shows how amazing he is. But all of this is so complicated.

Anyways I've had dreams with this guy where we're in a car and he's going down on me, but it isn't a regular car. Instead of there being seats, we actually knee down and there's something in front of us that goes up to our chest that keeps us from moving forward. He went under me. I also had other people in my dreams. In fact, every dream involved other people, too.

In another dream, I saw him with a huge Afro. It was indoors. The space looked gray and huge. There was a granite counter between us and he just walked passed it and me.

In the most recent dream, I was sleeping on the beach. I had a whole thing to sleep on and everything. I woke up to the police crew which was actually his co-workers. Apparently to the left of me was a dead body buried. I didn't sense anything and didn't realize it until I was well past that area. But when I realized what happened and turned around, I screamed. He immediately went down on his knees. It was almost ritualistic, but he could've known the deceased. I actually might have an idea what that could be about.

These dreams are so obscure that dream dictionary's aren't of much insight. Some obscurities might be revealed. But most of my dreams are interpreted with more depth and clarity. I don't usually need dreams to be aware of what's going on, but that extra echo makes me focus on it more. This is something else. It's unusual. And I'm not sure what to do with it. Lately I haven't been sleeping well, either, unless someone's lying next to me. But I'm not sure how healthy it is or if it's fair to any guy.

A Lil About Me

1.

*I’ve decided (if I remember) to incorporate this “A Lil About Me” entry once a month. I think it’d be fun!

1. If I can have only three things in this world, it’d be food, water, and happiness. J As complicated as I can get, when it comes down to it, I’m a minimalist. I can live off of the requirements for survival and the requirements for wanting to sustain survival. I imagine happiness will also include things like passion, ambition, friendship, altruism, discoveries, etc.

2. Here’s a child oddity I experienced. When I was younger, I wasn’t allowed to have friends over and my family aren’t the most social people, whereas I’m described as so social I’d die if I couldn’t be around people. My grandmother from Japan used to visit by flying first class, and she’d always arrive with many slippers. One day I grabbed all the slippers and placed them throughout my room, blasted the music, and pretended I was having a party…

3. I’ve been told I can be a hand model and would love to try that out!

4. I have an amethyst crystal that’s absolutely stunning and unique. It deep like a cave or a cone and large enough to fit your head into. I’m serious! I have a fb photo album labeled “The Coolest People Ever” with their heads inside the crystal. A gorgeous, vivid purple and what a beauty it is!

5. My favorite charity organizations are Habitat for Humanity, Haitian Foundation, and Heifer Foundation.

6. I prefer books to movies because I’m incredibly strategic and analytical that I can usually predict a movie accurately. Since I’m not that mentally stimulated and provided with all the details, I’m able to focus on my thoughts and formulate the outcome. With a book, even if I can predict the outcome, it’s more dynamic and it keeps me interested. I appreciate the vocabulary used, the simple but beautiful way words strung together, surprised by how a simple statement is expressed unusually, and I use my own imagination to create the reality a book portrays. I can be exceptionally imaginative and vivid. I’m also able to follow things at my speed. If I’m temporarily distracted from a movie, I can usually catch up by a movie version of skimming books and stringing plots together. But a detachment definitely forms. No matter how many times I put a book down, it never seems so abrupt because my imagination tethers everything together more concretely than a movie where I wasn’t involved in its creation.

7. I really want to decorate my bath tub with the word “Be-YOU-tiful”. I read that quote somewhere and find it to be incredibly inspiring and empowering. Over time I wouldn’t consciously acknowledge its presence, but it’ll have such a positive impact on me. I think it’s great for every woman to have.

8. I’ve never been much of a beauty whore. I’ve experimented with being a makeup junkie in high school but found myself quickly losing interest. As an adult, I find myself enjoying clothes that flatter my figure such as skinny jeans, pencil and tulip skirts, tops that cinch to enhance my curve, coats that flare out, tops that are long to create length, etc. But most of my money goes towards food! No, I’m not fat. That isn’t why I don’t make beauty a priority. I appreciate feeling attractive, but I believe it should be natural. Waking up early to make myself up doesn’t seem natural, but I have to wear clothes. So I’m selective in what I wrap around my body.

9. I’ve never really enjoyed shopping. I like online shopping. No long lines or fitting rooms. People are surprised by how my clothes seem to be made for me. There are websites that indicate the measurements for bust, waist, hip, all of it. That kind of precision can be more valuable than trying on clothes that may or may not fit. Although lately I’ve come to appreciate thrift stores like Goodwill cuz they’re unbelievably cheap and impressively organized. Rather than paying fines, people do community service by organizing the store. And a lot of people get parking and speeding tickets, so these stores are often impeccable. I can quickly find my size or determine if I’m wasting my time. And there’s rarely a line for the fitting room. It isn’t at all a dirty trashy place I feared it to be when I was younger. And if you go to the ones near rich areas, you’ll find many clothes with the original tag still on!

10. Everyone seems to have found that one song they complete relate to. I haven’t found mine. A Mexican friend of mine said there’s a type of music called baracha which is sort of like romantic, emo type songs, and one particular song reminds him of me. But he refuses to share the details! It’s about a woman who gets premonitions and sings something along the lines of if only you knew how I felt for you, if you only knew what I saw….

11. I’d like to paint a “bed frame” on my way. I want it to be an Arabian door with inspirational words written in Braille. I think it’d be cool.

12. I’ve always been more drawn to go to Asia than Europe because I felt like I’d experience more in Asia. Not because I’m Asian, so I believed to relate with it more. Quite the opposite, in fact. I feel that the more foreign an experience is, the more intense it is. I thought I’d learn more in Asia. I have a lot of European friends who have told me that I have a lot of European philosophies, so I should travel to Europe. Ever since I’ve been told that, I feel like maybe Europe can be a place where I can identify myself with others. I know I’m not the only person who feels the way I do, but that’s how it seems sometimes and it makes me feel lonely.

13. I think it’s dumb to spend so much money on a wedding ring because if you lose it, you’re screwed! And why pour so much money into a single material possession? If I marry someone it’ll be because I want to spend my life with him. What better way to build our future than use that money to buy a house or travel and share meaningful experiences? Isn’t that what life is all about? Or at least that’s what I think.

14. I really want to make my own chakra wand. J

15. I fall into food love with guys! But it lasts as long as Kim Kardashian’s marriages. A guy gives me free food at the farmer’s market or hooks me up with a free appetizer, and it immediately goes on fb! Something along the lines of “I’m going to marry the Luigi’s boy for always giving me extra chips!” or “I’m in love with that guy who makes greens and ham hocks.” You can’t exploit that in hopes I’ll fall for you. It doesn’t work! Sorry dudes…

16. My current random thought: I think canning jars are seriously undervalued. People pour so much money into cups, glasses, Tupperware, and other dishes that canning jars can adequately fulfill. You can use it to drink beverages, store food since it’s healthier than plastic or metal, is great cuz it’s more space efficient than Tupperware, less issues with lids, can be used to pickle, and even to store dried goods or function as a vase. They’re so often overlooked. You can use it to store all sorts of things. Flours, sugar, buttons, sewing supplies, pencils, or even homemade beauty products like bath oils and bath salts. You can make homemade gifts in it, too. There are so many possibilities. They’re affordable and durable! It’s also easy to heat up, too.

17. I think one of the best things I’ve heard recently was from a friend of mine who said she has three sisters, but I fulfill that sisterly feeling in her. That meant the world to me!

18. I was a spelling bee champ, but my vocabulary doesn’t reflect how advanced my knowledge of spelling is. Quite a bit of people have expressed frustration over my “advanced” vocabulary which frankly depresses me because I’ve been tested, and sadly it was revealed that I have the vocabulary level of a sixth grader… I’m sure if I retake the test, my performance wouldn’t change much. I read a lot more and put an effort into learning new vocabulary. But the truth is I don’t remember them, so I recycle the same words I’ve always used.

19. The two most effective ways to keep me hostage is with food and books. When I go to a person’s house, I immediately like to see what kind of food and spices are in their kitchen and their book collections.

20. I procrastinate when it comes to craft projects. I think it’s rooted from my sense of creative inadequacy. There are a lot of things I think I’m terrible at – snowboarding, for instance. I should never be allowed to go. Every time I go, I either bruise or break my tailbone. Most people develop a sense of balance, but I never mastered it and I experience severe injuries. It’s never stopped me from doing it. I’m an intelligent person, but I’m unskilled at a lot of things – rock climbing, bowling, playing pool, many forms of exercise, ballet, zumba, karaoke, video games, chess….but it’s never prevented me from participating. Crafts, on the other hand, I avoid. I’ll let an entire day pass as I feel physical pain from boredom and still refuse to start the many, many craft projects I’m interested in trying.

Stupid iPad!!!

I wrote a ton of inspiring entries on my iPad when I didn't have access to my laptop. I tried to copy and paste it, but it didn't work and I deleted a ton of writing. :( I wish I would have been able to share it on here because in a long time, they're inspiring and positive writing. I guess the jist of it is that I've been bonding a lot more with my adoptive mom. I don't have the greatest relationship with my biological family and it's my adoptive family that I truly consider family. But I always kept them at a distant.

My mom and brother have always been welcoming especially my mom, and I've always feared being just another welcomed member in their life when what I really want is a family. There's also a fear of being rejected the way I've been by my biological mom that I think has been stirring inside of me. They're two different people, but fear has a way of being irrational. After seeing this guy I'm involved with connecting with his family on a regular basis, it made me miss my own.

I'm grateful in a way he'll never know and also for the best mother advice I could've received. With matters to the heart, she reminded me to let things form organically. I really like the way the word organically is used there. She gave me a lot of great advice, but that one stuck out the most because it's so foreign to who I am.

I've also been hesitant about facing her because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's discouraging. I don't want to face another mom and feel inadequate. These feelings were never a result of how she made me feel but what I was concerned about. Overcoming them was important because as it turns out, she gave me wonderful advice. I wrote down a list of 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. I was also directed to www.cacareerzone.org to not only get a profile of jobs within my interests but also detail into what my expenses are in my area. It's so refreshing to get some productive suggestions.

Too many job profiles are just that, profiles. Impersonal and vague. I'm often the one people seek out at EDD offices for advice. That's not cool. There are trained professionals, and I'm being recruited to revise resumes? O_o I've even been offered a job placement specialist position, but the location even by car is two hours away. I don't drive and have no desire to move. The increase in salary will actually be a financial downgrade with the required expenses that'll add on like a car, etc. Plus I'm not interested in that. I'm looking forward to the insights I receive.

Closet of Thoughts

Sometimes our thoughts begin to collect dust even when ignore the very presence of it in the same way we hide away the junk we accumulate over the years. I have this tendency to stow away the feelings I don't want to face and as much as possible remove myself from any exposure that forces me to come to terms with it, which for a while I can do successfully. When I'm put off by something, I subliminally release it into the ether and people feel that vibration. They feel it until I forget about it as new collects pervade my mind and it becomes a distant memory. Then when I find myself faced being re-introduced to that energy again, I evade it much in the same way I did in the beginning until it becomes social conditioning and I subconsciously replicate my actions. There's danger in that especially since bad habits solidify more than positive ones, but there's power in being aware of this. I'm going to take the time to explore my closet of thoughts. I encourage you to do the same. We can all use some emotional cleanses.

The Traveler's Spark?

The less I think of the idea of traveling (not that I've given it much conscious thought) and the more I resonate on the idea of it, the more intriguing and less frightening, impossible, and radical it becomes. Or maybe it's a new level of awareness I reached with a guy. There are two guys that I really like. One I've known for a few years now, and we've developed a deep connection with each other. But our undying habit of keeping each other at a distance hasn't allowed much growth in our relationship. With his financial troubles, he moved out of state and is now considering taking a job on a cruise. So he's not really around. There's another guy who I'm really beginning to really like, but I guess every situation has challenges to hurdle. Although I may be rash in interpreting hesitation, a natural reaction before something serious develops as defeat. But I want to stay focused on topic, though.

I have been feeling stagnant, but today I feel more lively, lighter. I found some writing inspiration and found a way to channel something I've been struggling with. It's titled "Dear Izzy" and I believe it's made a world of difference. I've also come to some realization about something. Sometimes I need to immerse myself fully in something, no matter how painful or negative it is and not let other factors tether me down. It's more devastating, but once I know what I'm dealing with, the better I can handle it and that's a necessary step to move forward. I felt imprisoned for the past three years, not able to let go and I'm no longer trying to force a separation. Honesty is the best medicine.

I just want to take this moment to appreciate the mood I'm in. As I entered the library as I've been doing for so long now as I do on a regular basis, I realized how stagnant I've been as I continue the same motions everyday. Then the idea of traveling became a welcome idea. :) I'm not sure it's something I want to jump into right away, but I like that I'm beginning more open to it. It's no longer this foreign, impossible lifestyle outside of my reach and potential.

Splashes of Hope

"Splashes of hope is all you need to flood and drown your doubts. But you gotta turn the faucet on."

I just created that quote. And considering what just happened and what I'm going through, some may worry that it's a dangerous path I'm walking. I'm not convoluted. I didn't create this quote to create a false sense of hope to suffocate reality or truth. In fact, a truth I may never truly know isn't even the case right now. Sometimes it's just better to let things go, and that's what I plan to do.

Since it's me, yes, I'm doing it to sabotage any hope or possibility that may or may not exist right now in my life. But this quote isn't about that. It's about hope in general that I constantly ignore. I was watching Pink's Fuckin' Perfect music video and saw that girl turn her failed test score F into a funny face. She turned something negative and re-transformed it. That's what i want to turn this experience into. Take that hope from this experience and instead of reinvesting it into that, I'm going to take it and use it for something greater, more powerful.

"You Rock the World!"

It's amazing how even just a slice of time, as short as it may be has the ability to have lasting effects on us. It makes me open my eyes to how receptive and sensitive we, as people, are to our surroundings. It takes something powerful to make us realize this, though. I'm mildly shaking right now because I'm that affected by a single experience and the series of consequences that followed. It's truly tragic because I was looking forward to writing about "Pomegranate Corn 9" and beginning that entry on a cheerier note about how unlike other moments where I'm bummed out about not having enough time to write about all the thoughts I want to express, I wanted to share gratitude for the limited time because it makes me prioritize what truly matters.

What I'm hesitating to divulge now is what I was going to delay in writing, so I can focus on Pomegranate Corn 9. But the truth is that this blog is supposed to be therapeutic. If I resisted in releasing this toxic energy I'm so affected by that's leading me to shake only to write about something positive that I'm not currently channeling at this time, that wouldn't be healthy. And it'd just be deceitful. I think I've experienced enough deceit already but interestingly enough, instead of typing out deceit, I wrote defeat. I think I've experienced enough defeat already. I'm tired.

I recently told a friend that failure is our most valuable lesson. The same is true for disappointment. The sadness is unavoidable. But what I choose to take from that experience is up to me. So I took the time to appreciate new and old friends for the genuine friendships I have with them. And one of my dearest wrote, "You rock the world!" And that made my day.

For now I'm going to end with this because I could elaborate as I always do but this time instead of focusing my energy in expressing how I feel, I want to process and manage how I feel. That takes priority. I feel contaminated with conflicting energy and emotions I have clarity on but what I allowed to be compromised. I need to cleanse my aura, so that I can give "Pomegranate Corn 9" the attention it deserves. The thought of it is already making me smile and I can feel that positive energy infusing within me. :)

So Many Unfinished Entries Reflecting My Life

In the past which is so not a part of my present so maybe I shouldn't be even feeding it any energy by addressing it now, but if I'm thinking all this, then it's on my mind. Better to release the thoughts here than let those thoughts knock around with every other thing I cram into my over crowded mind. Back to the original sentence: In the past I've been successful at beginning an entry, going in depth, and completing my thoughts. Now it seems that I begin an entry only for it to go unposted because it's unfinished. I wonder how symbolic it is of my life right now. I feel like I start something and am unable to complete it and go on to something else. It's bothering me but that's what I'm drawn to do. I feel like I'm unemployed and should take advantage of this time to find myself, so I've been panicky cuz I want to try all these different things with unfinished tasks at hand. But maybe that's what I need, to explore. So I'm going to paint my place by myself even though I'm convinced it'll be a disaster because every attempt to get assistance seems to fall through. Maybe I'll do a good job. And if I don't, I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned. My property manager also gave me permission to start my own container garden collection, which I'm excited about. And I'm hoping a friend will let me borrow his violin so I can practice. I also began practicing dowsing. Probably the most exciting thing for me right now is that I'm planning to start my own writing group because people are unbelievably discriminating. They post ads for a writing group only to put me through preliminary interview processes, writing samples, pick at what I read only to reject me for reasons including I don't have a doctrate or a Master's. Really? Who are you to look down on me cowardly through email? I suppose such constraints and bigotry can serve a function for that kind of group. But frankly considering the stifling impression I got, I'm not interested in such groups or the energy I suspect they possess. So I decided to create my own group.

*The beginning of this entry addresses that I've been starting projects and am unable to complete them. Well some time has passed but I've been going through my unposted entries and I'm going to post this as it has been written, incomplete and true to its feelings when I first wrote it.

Felt I Should Drop In

I feel so neglectful. Not having internet has a greater impact on me than I realized and yet less than I had feared. The problem with not having internet at my fingertips is that when I'm most inspired to blog, I don't. Using a computer with internet just becomes this chore and all I want to do is to just facebook and catch up on hours of TV shows that I don't really like because I've felt so deprived and I find myself trying to cram hours of TV into less than hour. Ugh! I can't even do any justice. I had a great epiphany about music and I'm so ecstatic about it but I refuse to butcher that discovery and beauty now in my mentally frazzled state.