Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Stupid iPad!!!

I wrote a ton of inspiring entries on my iPad when I didn't have access to my laptop. I tried to copy and paste it, but it didn't work and I deleted a ton of writing. :( I wish I would have been able to share it on here because in a long time, they're inspiring and positive writing. I guess the jist of it is that I've been bonding a lot more with my adoptive mom. I don't have the greatest relationship with my biological family and it's my adoptive family that I truly consider family. But I always kept them at a distant.

My mom and brother have always been welcoming especially my mom, and I've always feared being just another welcomed member in their life when what I really want is a family. There's also a fear of being rejected the way I've been by my biological mom that I think has been stirring inside of me. They're two different people, but fear has a way of being irrational. After seeing this guy I'm involved with connecting with his family on a regular basis, it made me miss my own.

I'm grateful in a way he'll never know and also for the best mother advice I could've received. With matters to the heart, she reminded me to let things form organically. I really like the way the word organically is used there. She gave me a lot of great advice, but that one stuck out the most because it's so foreign to who I am.

I've also been hesitant about facing her because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's discouraging. I don't want to face another mom and feel inadequate. These feelings were never a result of how she made me feel but what I was concerned about. Overcoming them was important because as it turns out, she gave me wonderful advice. I wrote down a list of 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. I was also directed to to not only get a profile of jobs within my interests but also detail into what my expenses are in my area. It's so refreshing to get some productive suggestions.

Too many job profiles are just that, profiles. Impersonal and vague. I'm often the one people seek out at EDD offices for advice. That's not cool. There are trained professionals, and I'm being recruited to revise resumes? O_o I've even been offered a job placement specialist position, but the location even by car is two hours away. I don't drive and have no desire to move. The increase in salary will actually be a financial downgrade with the required expenses that'll add on like a car, etc. Plus I'm not interested in that. I'm looking forward to the insights I receive.

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