Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Contrasting Days, Days 18 and 19

As my day unfolded I was "writing" the introduction to this blog in my mind and it went something like this. I feel less than human. Humans have feelings, desires, ambitions, goals, standards, self-worth. I have these things, but I'm not living my day as if I do. So I'm being treated as such. When desperation strikes and I grab at the first opportunity that comes my way, standards be damned, I'm going to be reciprocated with that same energy! It's the balance of the universe.

I've been making money here and there by being in experiments, but I keep being rescheduled. The tests are a minimum of three sessions. Once I'm in, I'm in. But until then, they can easily discard me. So when I'm asked if I can be rescheduled because they can't see me, I'm not in a position to decline such an offer unless I want to risk being dismissed from the experiment completely. So I agree to be rescheduled for later on that day which throws my schedule for other experiments I have the same day, as well as my social life which I might as well say goodbye to.

It's been raining like crazy. It's been so intense I feel like the rain can beat me to the ground. I walk to the corner of my block and my feet are completely drenched. I can't avoid the puddles unless I jump over them and risk spraining my ankle, which I've already done by the way. I've already almost gotten sick twice.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Domino Effect Relationships, Days 15, 16, and 17

Thoughts create reality, but thoughts are lucid, intangible, abstract, obscure, subjective, and gray. How can someone create reality that is physical, tangible, and real out of something that isn't? And when someone does because we all do, how do we know what's right and what's wrong? Is that even the right question? We all have thoughts, so we all have our own realities. If we live in our own realities, do we live separately from the people around us or do we co-exist within an overlapping reality? Are the realities one in the same or do they intertwine at certain points?

I ask because my reality is so conflicted. What I believe to be true isn't always the case, so when I build reality from false pretenses, what then? But how can you really know another person? All I have to go on is what I'm told and what I feel. And what happens when I'm told that what I feel is wrong? Or what I'm told is different from how I feel or think I feel? Who do I trust then when I don't trust any of the voices?

I want this relationship to work, and I'm told he feels the same. He puts so much effort into it and into me that it's practically insulting to question his sincerity and honesty. But he seems incapable of being truthful to me with inconsistencies like he tells me the truth to later explaining why he didn't tell the truth and revealing that he's unable to be honest around me. I want to be with someone who can be honest with me. Is that really too much to ask for? Do I not deserve a person's honesty?

What is it about me that makes it difficult for him to be honest with me? I want the best for him, and if I'm standing in his way, I'd rather go. Do I want to be gone? No but given the two choices, that's what I prefer. I don't want to be the reason why he isn't successful. I don't want to be distracting. My biggest fear and hope is that he'll realize his success is more important than my happiness and will leave me. Actually my biggest hope is that he can find a way to spend time with me while tending to his responsibilities.

There's a domino effect with so many things. Meeting my boyfriend when I did saved me from moving away, but it also thwarted me from taking preventive measures of getting screwed over by the representative of the property manager who by the way ran off with everyone's money. Interestingly enough it's because the property manager refused to refund him his security deposit, so the shrimp retaliated by waiting until he received everyone's rent (with the exception of mine because my rent is due much later into the month) which accumulated to the security deposit amount. I'm not excusing the shrimp or anything. It's just interesting that I could've prevented all of this by going after him the first time he showed signs of shadiness.

And because I didn't, I have roommates accusing me that I motivated him to take this course of action. How dare they try and spread the deceit onto me as if that grown adult and con artist doesn't have his own mind! If I treated him more nicely, he wouldn't have done this! How the fuck would you know? Guy's got internet scams, porn sites, international business affairs going on all over the place. They think he screwed everyone over because I upset him? That must be why I was the only one who didn't get financially-scammed right, stupid bitches?

And it's always my fault. No one ever asks why does he do that? Why does he treat you differently? Why do you hate him so much? Why do you treat him that way? What has he ever done to you? Forget the fact that he attacked me. He tried calling the cops behind everyone's back to evict me because my name was never on the lease. If I didn't stop him, we all would've been evicted because almost none of our names are on the lease, not legal leases anyways. I had to reason with the shrimp and make him realize the consequences it would have on him. He tried stealing my stuff by being in my space looking through my shit! No, it's all my fault. No one ever stops to wonder what could've made me tip over the edge!

People fail to see that a Domino effect had to have began somewhere! I hve extreme reactions, but they're reactions. Reactions to what? That's a good question, but it seems like everyone is too stupid to think beyond their own problems or behind five steps to even acknowledge that a root had developed at one point or another. All they see is it's Jaymie's fault because she's the most vocal and confrontational. That's the observational skills and assessment of a five-year old! Those bitches have no idea the measures I've taken to protect all of us. And I know they don't know any of this, but how can you fail to realize that you don't know shit???

"He did this because everyone mistreated him." Again only the basic observational skills and assessment of a five year old who fails to realize that it's a back and forth interaction, which means it began from somewhere. If everyone treats him the same way, maybe there's a reason behind it. No those nurturing bitches have to protect the weak one. And how do you fail to realize that you don't know what you're talking about when there's an absence of content and just air where they should be thought, content, knowledge, understanding, substance? Maybe my rational thought is too advanced for them. After all, I'm thinking like an adult like for example that shrimp has the ability to make his own decisions. That's not logic that'll sink in for them.

There's also the very high probability that the property manager and the representative are both in on it. I've heard them collaborating different ways to scheme people before. Right before this went down, they've been far more discreet and secretive about their interactions. The property manager does appear like he's trying to help us because we're upset, but he has a coincidental incentive to help us. A shady man being helpful doesn't mean that he's not dirty!

Am I paranoid? Totally! But when someone presents ideas about their scams that have been heard by multiple parties, it's stupid to ignore me and blame me for the reason why he screwed everyone over is because he hates me when I'm the only one not getting screwed! Two guys who gave their money to live there have been referred to the police because they got scammed. Now all of a sudden, there's money for lucrative repairs and remodeling. I wonder where that money came from. And when known scam artists seem genuinely stressed it doesn't mean that they're genuinely stressed, ya stupid bitches! They're trained to freak out! You don't want to believe me? Fine. But don't disregard me because they're doing what con artists do best! So stupid! Especially when there are unanswered questions. Just ignore them. Maybe if you blind yourself, they'll go away!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Rock the Boat, Days 13 and 14

It seems like whenever I involve myself in a situation I shouldn't be in for whatever reason, the universe works towards sabotaging or compromising that environment. I moved into a place that wasn't properly managed, and there was black mold growng inside the bathroom. While I could've gotten the property manager in trouble, it would've left me homeless because I didn't have anywhere else to go. I continued to live in a place that was a health hazardous. Since I clearly wasn't making wise choices, I was forced out of it due to a series of events.

I was detached from that situation, but the mistake I made was replacing that very similar situation somewhere else due to my financial limitations. I could've gotten a new job, but I didn't. I could've moved to a different state where rent is more affordable, but I didn't. I could've taken time off from school, so I could dedicate more time to make money and afford to live in a more professional and stable environment, but I didn't. These other choices are clearly extreme, so it's understandable that I didn't utilize those other possibilities. Regardless of why I didn't take another course of action, the bottom line is that the sacrifices I chose to not make had consequences.

So it yet again led me to more trouble. I found another place that was ridiculously affordable and poorly managed. It's not uncommon to live in a place where your name isn't on the lease. A lot of people do it and without much complications. I, however, am not one of those people. And I always knew that. I wish I were, but I'm not. It's time I accept my fate, even if means embracing my cynicism because it keeps me safe.

I've been illegally threatened to get kicked out, so I had leverage. But who wants to be in that situation in the first place? The representative of the property manager has authority he doesn't understand with a nasty attitude. He's unprofessional to an extreme degree. He threw a glass in my direction. The property manager is also shady. The type of man who would appoint someone so stupid to represent him is twisted, too. The property manager refused to give the representative his security deposit back, which was unfair and unreasonable given the circumstance.

What was also unfair and unreasonable is that the representative retaliated by collecting everyone's rent that accumulated to the cost of the security deposit the property manager refused to refund him for and took off with our money. The representative is an asshole, and I'm by no means defending him. Without the exception of me, everyone else genuinely cared for this guy who's repeatedly been out of line. Regardless of the care people provided with him, though, it's not okay to do stuff like that. I'm livid that it happened because it now jeopardizes everyone else's rental situation.

With the representative gone, the lease can be modified. The rent will increase. Utilities will no longer be included in the rent. I could barely afford this dump in the first place. Now I really can't afford to be here. But where can I go? So I'm stuck listening to the property manager lie through his teeth giving a different version of the story to different units. No one else is witnessing it but me which is advantageous for him because I come off hostile and intolerant. He knows what he's doing to me. I know what he's staging. But everyone else just looks at me with disgust.

I've been staying here for school because I'm desperate to get my 2 year degree, not even because I feel that it's beneficial but because I superficially want there to be evidence that I worked towards something and here's the proof. The unfortunate truth, though, is that I can't go to school and work at the same time. I'm just not one of those people. I wish I were, but I'm not. I'm unwilling to sacrifice school. I'm even unwilling to transfer to another school. I'm adamant that I get my credentials from PCC. That's really what's holding me back, my stubbornness.

That's why I've been here for so long because of where the school is located. I was ready to move back to my hometown or move to the East coast a long time ago, but I'm blindly following my stubbornness. When enough things keep falling through as a way to make my current situation more and more impossible, it's time to adapt. But I'm not ready. I don't want to.

I've lost interest in school. I don't even like it. It's evident in my grades and my efforts. Yet I stay. I live in a crap place, so I can afford to go to school while I work. I hate where I live, but I tolerated it because of what it offered me, and now it's gone. For so long, I should've left long ago and never even wanted to be here. But now I finally found a reason to want to stay.

I was never the girl who followed her heart and made vital life decisions because of a man. I was independent and I stood alone. I was detached and one-dimensional. Then one day I met a guy, and I had no idea how much he would change me. I opened up my heart and discovered another dimension to the world I never knew existed before. I was scared and I let everything fall apart.

I was given a second chance that I so desperately wanted only for it to be stripped away from me. I couldn't possibly imagine why something like that would happen until I met someone else. If things didn't end the way they did, things wouldn't have developed the way it did with someone else. Was I hurt by the other guy? Absolutely. What is worth it, just to have this new opportunity present itself? Yes. I never wanted to get hurt like that, but if that's what I had to go through to meet him, I'd experience it again in a heartbeat.

I have this tendency to get myself involved in something I want to be a part of but shouldn't be. It's one thing when I jeopardize myself, but it's another thing when other people are involved. I want to be with him almost more than anything, but most of all I want him to be happy. He can't be happy the way he deserves to be if he's with me.

For whatever reason he's not seeing that, but I can. The kind of relationship that I want and thrive in burdens him. I like having long winded conversations. Not many guys do, so I'm really selective about who I go out with. I jumped into this relationship too quickly. We really like each other. That much is evident to everyone and anyone, but sometimes it's not enough. That's insight I didn't have a chance to discover because we moved so quickly. We live in the same complex.

If I got to know him better, I would've really liked him even more than I already do. But I would've never gotten together with him becase I would know what a burden and how problematic our relationship would be, and I don't want that for him. That's why I broke up with him. There's so much I want to address and not enough time for the way he lives his life. Before I can even get it out of my system, more stuff accumulates. Unspoken tension arises and multiples faster than it gets addressed.

What's even more damaging is that he was willing to listen to me at his expense. I don't want to be the reason why areas of his life is jeopardized. And I can't be trusted to not make those mistakes. I don't want to be the reason why he's held back, and I am. He's an interactive communicator, and that's where he thrives. I'm a conversationalist in the philosophical way. I'm unable to adapt to his method. When he adapts to my method, I feel like I'm stunting his intellectual capacity and growth. He's a deep person, and that side of him gets suppressed as he communicates with me.

I'm tired of unsuccessfully conveying my point and putting my effort into not gaining what I want. All the while I'm wasting his time and draining his energy. I keep him away from what he wants to do and has to do. When I broke up with him, he wanted to talk about it before I make any decisions. But I've been trying to express myself with utter failure. What's the point of telling him that I'm tired of not being able to explain myself when I can't even successfully explain that? And that doesn't even cover details of certain things I want to address, which have accumulated greatly.

He doesn't have time to be in a relationship with me. I don't want to put the efforts to explain myself if I can't be heard uninterrupted because I'm extremely sensitive to losing my train of thought. He's so susceptible to interrupting me, and it's not because he's out of line. I'm so that extreme. I don't want to put myself in a situation where I get mad at him and I don't want him to have to feel my wrath. And for what? To tell him one last time why this relationship is toxic for him? Why put him through that? Maybe he's hurting because we aren't together, but at least this way I saved him the trouble of the painful details behind it. Being hurt by the breakup is an inevitable side effect, but this is one thing I can protect him from.

What's crazy is that I believe I could fall in love with this guy. It's best that I don't because if it went that far, he'd probably be right there with me. So he'd stick around for the pain that came with it. It may have been something he'd be willing to endure, but it's not something he should have to. He's going to find someone else. I know it.

If we stayed together, we could've been really happy. There's pain that exists in every relationship. But I know that with someone else he can experience even more happiness because there would be less pain. I want to be with him, but I want more for him than what I can offer him. I care about him more than he realizes. He's looking for marriage. He wants kids. He wants to thrive. I'm not looking to get married any time soon. I don't even want kids. And I want him to feel comfortable in his own skin. Someone else can offer him that better than I can.

He told me one day that I would make a good wife one day and surprised me by saying some amazing things about me. I thought he saw me as a selfish person, so I never knew he thought so highly of me. He said that's because I take up people's time, and I can't just take up two hours of a person's time. It's fucked up. Maybe it is. If so, I'm fucked up. If we talked before I made any decision about our breakup, I would've been fucked up and that's time he would never get back.

So now I know I made the right decision. I've considered long and hard about the idea of moving back up North. My friend told me about one-bedroom apartments in Berkeley for only $500!!! This is around the same time a friend facebooked me about moving to Berkeley. I never considered it, but it's closeby enough to San Francisco and reasonably commutable. I have employment connections in San Francisco, but the rent is outrageous. Berkeley would be an excellent solution. And if I live near campus, it'll make things even more convenient.

The idea of not being able to see him, hang out with him, and talk to him kills me. I spent the better half of the night crying at the edge of his bed while he and another friend of ours played video games. He thought I spilled water and I was getting sick because of my runny nose. My roommate's been sick, and his immune system has been compromised, too.

I am hurt that he didn't know I was crying because of him, but I'm glad that for once he wasn't bothered by my sensitivity. It seems like the most logical choice that exists. Staying here is a strain. And why should I stay for a guy I broke up with? I don't want to move, but something tells me that it'll help him more than I fully realize at this very moment. Don't I want that for him? Am I excited about the idea of distancing myself from a guy I think I could fall in love with, so he can find someone else? Of course not. But it's time I stop being selfish for a change.

Wha scares me the most now is that my feelings for him will deepen. Like I said if we stayed just friends, I would've fallen really hard for him because I would feel "safe." He makes me feel safe. That's what scared me when we were together. I've been socially-conditioned to believe that most guys are afraid of emotions, feelings, and love. He's not one of those guys. You can be completely open with him, and he won't run away from you. By not having that fear, I had no reason to restrain or hide myself from my own feelings. I felt what I felt without limitations. Who knew how powerful that could be?

I was scared, though. So I hid from my own feelings. If we aren't together, though, or we never got together, I wouldn't be afraid that he'll pick up on my feelings for him. So I would be more honest with myself. A friend of mine once told me about a friend of his who fell in love with him. He's also really caring and you don't have to be afraid about how you feel around him. He won't treat you any differently or make you feel ashamed, but the feelings weren't mutual. I couldn't imagine anyone falling in love with someone they weren't with. It made no sense to me. I'm afraid it will.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A Lost Realization, Day 12

Today as I was walking alone with my thoughts I had a realization that I felt would be appropriate to blog, but I have no idea what it was anymore. I woke up late and forgot to provide my rent checks for the food bank. I was asked to return tomorrow with those documentations, at which point I can receive food. I also have an appointment with an employment agency I already belong to. I've been told that I'm a good candidate, but my schedule was limited at the time. Hopefully something stable and financially reasonable will come up. All I really need is a chance to prove myself. I have not only the experience but the ability to work in an office position, but either I'm passed up for positions I can fulfill or am offered positions I know I'm not qualified for. The next thing I know I get fired for not knowing what I specified I didn't know! I'm looking for change in the financial aspect.

Some time alone has silenced some thoughts that have been burdening me, but I'm still unsure what the right decision is or even if there is a right decision. It's nice to not be stressed, though. But I miss what I once had and may still have. Who knows? Even if you really want something if you can barely express that or you find yourself caught in a web of more problems before you have an opportunity to even address the original problems, how can resolutions be found? I don't want to be trapped in a cycle of unresolved issues.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Two Opposing Forces, Days 10 and 11

A lot's happened in the past couple of days. Yesterday I experienced a heightened state of awareness that I used to refer to as an altered state of mind. It only came on when I deliberately try to tap into my intuition or as I was getting a premonition. Sometimes my mind goes into that state as a form of preparation, too. But never has it manifested as a result of an epiphany over a relationship.

It opened my eyes to things. It was remarkable. But there are drawbacks to being in a heightened state of awareness. Everything is amplified. It's great if I'm 95% happy, and it feels like 200%. But I could be content with 95%. I didn't ask for the extra boost or the crappy price that comes with it. If I feel like shit, that gets amplified, too.

And I pick up on the feelings of others, too. That's the worst part. I don't want to know how you feel unless you tell me. Even then sometimes I wish people would keep it to themselves. It's confusing, complicated, disruptive, damaging, and strenuous.

I had my first panic of this year. Mark it on the calendar people. January 11. That's just fucking great. I didn't ask for any of this or the other crap that came with it. I feel like I'm being punished for being able to feel more than others. Take it away!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

My Life is Like an Overflooding Toilet, Day 9

Today I woke up to an unpleasant experience of my toilet vomiting at me. As I flushed, I glanced over and noticed that there was no water and a lot of toilet paper. But by then I had already flushed and the next thing you know, it completely overflooded like a freaking river! It was awful! I don't normally look when I flush and I noticed that there was no water, but I didn't anticipate such a gushy consequence. I don't know much about toilet maintenance. I know how to use a plunger, but I would've still flushed so there was water to work with. I guess it was inevitable for me to experience that today.

My good-natured but ditsy as Hell roommate panicked about my property manager's name. I spent more time than I would've preferred to explain that his name started with the letter E, although it's quite possible that she had spelled it with an A because that's how she believed it was spelled. She kept insisting that his name starts with A, but she resisted in checking under A because I said it's spelled with an E. Then her slutty nature proved to be inconvenient as she wasn't sure which Edmin she should call. How ironic that her slutty nature was such an interference.

When our racist, sexist, demeaning, condescending, arrogant but albeit responsive property manager showed up, he wouldn't accept that it just over flooded. He went on to tell us that we can open up to him and admit what we threw in there because he's heard it all including an orange, perfume bottles, and even lingerie. WTF? The three of us girls were giggling and condescending joking that it was an orange. I mentioned that if it was a tangerine, it's definitely my fault.

A man who won't listen even though he's dying for us to tell him something isn't going to be receptive to the reality that it just over flooded. It happens. After taking the condescending approach unsuccessfully, he regrouped and reassured my ditsy roommate that he wasn't blaming anyone and compared his philosophy to how important it is to know the root cause similarly to how doctors have to know in order to figure out the best treatment. The plumber was trying to explain that nothing was dropped in; things like this just happen. But the property manager ignored the expert's opinion and retorted to let him talk. The plumber argues back that my ditsy roommate doesn't even know what he's talking about. She understandably took offense to it because it's obvious that English is her second language. I don't think he meant to be insulting. I think he was trying to express that we don't know enough about toilets to properly explain what happened. It was just an interesting experience as three people communicated with difficulties, while my other roommate and I were making dirty jokes.

As I was cleaning the over flooded toilet, it made me think of my own life. My life is like an over flooding toilet, clogged and overspilling with crap that's just all over the place, messy, not in its own place, and just spread around where it's not wanted, unconfined but also trapped. I obviously don't want to be in that situation, but I feel helpless and cleaning up after it is an unfavorable chore. Even after wiping and drying, my efforts appear unnoticed. I'm stuck there, and it consumes so much of my time and energy. I'd rather be somewhere else, doing something else.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Lost, Confused and in Pain, Day 8

I'm tired of restraining myself on this blog out of fear. The whole reason why I created this blog is to face my fears. As a writer, I can't be afraid to write the truth out of fear. I don't have that luxury. That's where the richness lies in a story, the most untold raw truth most people would rather hide from. It's time I stop fighting who I am, or I'll stay in this rut forever.

I'm financially devastated and crushed because I chose a job that I believed in only to be reminded of how powerful illusions are and how painfully deceitful "friendships" can be. I chose to stay silent about it for so long out of a false sense of obligation that I'm no longer a slave to. I shouldn't be afraid that the wrong or, more accurately, the right person will read these words. After all, he knows all of his dark secrets better than I ever could. Deep down he has to know how twisted he is. And if he doesn't, well that's no longer a problem I'm going to burden myself with.

All I know is that there's no good reason to stay silent about how incredibly unhappy I am about where I am and the position he deceived me into. A man who manipulates as a way to further his agenda doesn't deserve my discretion especially when a larger population is at stake due to his perversions and dishonesties. I can no longer afford to coward behind it all. The time to be afraid, ashamed, disgusted, confused, livid, disappointed, and disgraced is over.

I'm disappointed in myself for being a part of it. I'm saddened by what I discovered. I wish reality was the illusion presented to me. My guilt has kept me silent for so long, but it's also poisoned me. Now it's time to suck the poison out, so I can move forward with my life. Maybe then can I find some peace, happiness, and an absence of guilt.

Had I have made better objective decisions, even if that meant I chose to not be a part of a greater mission that turned out to be crap all along, I would've made a smarter and safer choice. My emotional awakening has opened my eyes to other dimensions in life outside of financial security and logical choices. Sometimes taking risks can reward you with something greater than any safe lifestyle can offer you. It was through that process I chose to be where I am today, and it was the wrong choice.

I'm not where I want to be. I missed opportunities that would've been better suited for me and my needs, instead of chasing a dream that was cloaking a dark nightmare all along. It's left me ashamed in myself because I used to be much better at decision making, and it's left me disappointed because of what I uncovered. Not to mention that the financial consequence is going to leave me devastated. I've practically been sent to collections. I have negative $. I can afford virtually nothing.

With the recession and the overwhelming job seekers and small pool of job availabilities, I'm lost and drifting. Since my emotional awakening, part of me wants to take advantage of this opportunity of freedom to discover what I truly want to do and be scrupulous in my decision making because I've always allowed necessity to sacrifice desire. It's left me disconnected and unsatisfied in life. But how am I supposed to sustain even the most basic of lifestyles if I can't even afford rent and use the Burger King bathroom because I can't afford toilet paper? Now I'm hurting because of the stupid decision I made. I can blame others for their dishonesty, but I involved myself in this even if it was under false pretenses.

Everything has a Domino effect. Because of the choice I made, I had to alter my lifestyle. I had to live within my means, which included my living situation. I opened myself up to a mess of drama and shady behavior because of the exchanges I made. When you skimp on quality, you run the risk of inviting something dark. That's what I did.

What I once thought was my glimmer of light is starting to show its own darkness and alter ego. My own darkness and insecurities compromise my perception, as I wonder how much of what I see is real and how much is imagined, a mistake I can't escape from ever since my emotional awakening. How can I expect to find financial security in a financially-depraved society that has nothing to offer but the same mess of drama I'm trying to escape?

The energy I give off is the energy I attract. I'm fearful of what I've involved myself in and don't want to put myself in a repeat situation but because of the mistake I put myself in I'm vulnerable to making the same mistake out of desperation. I'm seeking a new job and have been offered jobs that would offer me the same toxic environment I'm trying to escape. I don't want to return to that, but I have no choice as rent nears. So what am I supposed to do?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Time to Get Down to Business, Days 6 and 7

I don't know if it's the new year or just the stress finally starting to burden me because I was able to detach myself from it and get a clearer perspective, but I've been all about getting down to business today. I've been job hunting. I woke up to make food, which has been a rarity for me. Rice and simmered pork with potatoes and baby carrots. I also had apples with peanut butter and oranges. Yummy! I went to the doctor's office. I scheduled upcoming appointments. The kitchen is clean, and I feel invigorated.

I'm even inspired to make sandwiches. Slathering peanut butter and strawberry jam. Packaging them in zip lock baggies. Chicken patties with Ranch dressing. Ugh, I'm exhausted just typing it out. LOL! I used to make roast leg of lamb, make my own marinade and salad dressings, made elaborate salads, huge dinner spreads, and look at me now. Pathetic! But I'm making progress. I might even handwash laundry tonight. I know it sounds really lame that these things are noteworthy, but I've been really lazy lately. Tomorrow I have some productive things planned out, too. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Food Banks are Awesome! Day 5

It's a new year. It's time for change. I made a mistake, and now I'm dealing with the consequences that follow. Money's devastatingly tight and, at times, painful. I make just enough $ for rent and debt. I no longer can afford to take the bus. I've been handwashing some of my clothes. I used to buy household and personal care products months ahead of time, so I had an extra season's worth of supplies. I was taking food from work, and that's how I've been keeping myself nourished. It shouldn't be like this.

I was hurting so bad that I was running out of basic hygiene products. As my supply was running low, a really good friend of mine arrived with a care package filled with Costco sized stuff like dried cranberries, apple juice, pineapple juice, top ramen, pop tarts, canned goods, beef jerky, shampoos, conditioners, body wash, etc! I'm so fortunate to have such amazing friends. Another close friend of mine transferred some $ into my account, too. My boyfriend's been doing a lot for me, too, and not just by feeding me (although we all know that's a community effort!)

They've all done so much for me. I may not like the situation I'm in, but all I can do is make the best of it. I'm not too proud, nor ashamed to accept free food when I need it. But I wasn't aware of the resources available to me. I strongly hate it when my friends give me money, though, because I feel that it isn't their responsibility to help me. I understand that I'd do the same for them, but it still bothers me. I used to believe that if I took advantage of these kind of services it would take away from other people who need the food more than me. I also felt like if I don't "need" it or have sustained myself without it that I must not need it. That's a major flaw in my logic that many people have diligently worked hard clarifying for me. Thank you for all your efforts!

It was brought to my attention that if the food isn't given away, it gets thrown out. So as my guilt subsided, I became curious and gradually interested in these offers. Today I went to a food bank and was surprised by how lenient, efficient, and generous this organization is. I got a cart full of food, and I'm allowed to return once a week. I was given three tokens I can use to take the bus, but even with transportation, I can't possibly carry everything back by myself. So I was permitted to take the cart with me if I return it, which I did.

I'm so grateful because the job market is so tight that I'm unlikely to find a good paying job that allows me to live in a place I'd like to be. I'm unable to save money and anything that doesn't go to rent inadequately feeds me. That's no way to survive. It's a way to survive but not by much. That's the kind of lifestyle that depresses people. I don't want to sustain that.

By taking advantage of the resources available to me, I can save some money. Hopefully I can pay off my debt. I can afford such luxuries like wanting to live on my own. All I can hope to do now is improve the situation I'm in now, and the food bank has offered me that. Here's some foods I can eat now.

1) Mac and cheese with tomato soup
2) Apples and butter
3) Chili and Potatoes
4) Pork and Rice
5) Snacks like yogurt and milk
6) So much bread!
7) Apple Pie
8) Cheese and Bread
9) Cereal and Milk

Monday, January 4, 2010

A New Year or a Continuation? Days 1, 2, 3, and 4

Hello New Year! I decided to restart my 365-a-Day Project in the New Year because I made the mistake of not counting days that I didn't blog. I felt that I didn't deserve to count those days, but they're still a part of the year. So I feel I should include them. I want a fresh start.

I really wanted to write a check that says 1/1/10, but I didn't get a chance to. :( I've also been negligent about this blog, and I want to make an effort towards correcting that. Last year was my emotional awakening. I plan to explore it further. I, as always, have some New Year's Resolutions.

1) I want to find a new job that's financially secure and will offer me stability. Money is tight, so I can't afford to be picky. But if I'm going to seek another job, I don't want to switch to another place that offers me the same toxic environment I'm desperately trying to escape. That's self-defeating and a waste of energy. So I want to be conscientious of that as I look for new opportunities.

2) I want to better manage my OCD because my neuroses manifests in subtle ways that I can't always recognize. I do a much better job controlling it than others with OCD because I have a better awareness of it and am able to handle myself emotionally to minimize it, but sometimes I'm not aware of it. When that happens, other people suffer more than me. I don't want that for anyone.

3) A spiritualist told me that I should laugh, sing, and paint. I think these are great ideas that I want to incorporate.

4) Last year I had a New Year's Resolution to define my fashion sense, but all I did was explore my fashion sense. I didn't accomplish what I had specified, but I'm still proud of myself. After all, how can I define my style if I don't explore what my choices are? It's a necessary process.

I like jewelry you can find at flea markets. I like crystals and gemstones. It's convenient because it's affordable. There's a lot of clothes I stayed away from because it didn't offer me exactly what I wanted which means that I have to search harder. I'm not willing to put in that much energy, but I now have people in my life who are more than willing to help me and can virtually offer me a cheat sheet. Since I have a better idea of what I like, it also allows me to refine my search.

5) In life, there are givers and takers. If you're a giver, you'll have takers in your life. It's the balance of the universe. I'm a hybrid between a giver and a taker. I tend to be heavier on one side with some people than others, but it's important for me to find balance between them for my personal and emotional harmony, which, in turn, affect the people around me.

6) I want to clear my debt. For years I've been so good about maintaining good credit and then the economy dropped. -____-

7) I want to create a better financial diversification system. I'm ambitious about the things I want to do. Unfortunately they cost money such as crafts, creating my own skincare products, buying skincare products, etc. I'm better off buying things at snail slow speed that I can eventually use, rather than waiting until I can get everything at once. I need a better prioritizing system.

8) I want to continue writing but focus more on areas I keep putting off such as materials I'd like to publish. I have a project I've been hesitating on pursuing but feel that I should. There's a subject I want to collaborate on with a friend. There are two topics that are already established that I want to further develop.

9) I want to return to my healthier habits of eating and exercising. I want to stretch more and tone my abs.

10) I want to go to a sweat lodge.

11) I want to take more pictures. I have to find a case for my camera. I carry it everywhere, and I'm not the most careful person. Yet I never have a case for my camera. Epic fail!

12) I want to find cheap fun. Festivals, parades, conventions, cheap movies, etc. I'm interested in those things and do them, but I feel that I need to find more of them because I find myself at home when I have no money. I'm not down with that.

13) I want to return to my cleaner, neater, organized self. I miss her!

I'm sure there's more, but I'll leave it at that for now. I'll add more as they come along.

14) I made it a New Year's Resolution/gift/reward to get myself a pretty journal every year. The writer in me will greatly appreciate it. Plus it's helpful for me to carry around something I can write in and take notes for when I get a spark of writing genius or as a way to remember important details.