Manifestations on the Rise

I know I've been doormat for a while. But while I was neglecting my blog, life was happening all around me. The uncertainties and ambiguous health concerns as well as some intense emotional experiences left me feeling weak and helpless, but my body has an internal reset button. I hate to feel devastated, so much so that I have an unhealthy habit of suppressing my feelings. I do that because I can't bear the pain. Over the years I've discovered the danger of not dealing with my feelings and since I haven't had much practice coping with them, I feel like I struggle with it more than others. When it gets intolerable, my body just normalizes. I hit rock bottom and it's as if all my tears, pain, and sadness flush out of me and the water rises me to the top. I felt refreshed in some ways.

I'm pursuing modeling. It's something I've always been interested in but never gave attention to cuz either I wasn't very motivated or didn't have the time. Since it seems like every 9-5 job slips away from me and as much as I hate to admit it, so is my memory to the point that I'm having a difficult time even keeping basic jobs that it's a good opportunity to explore this realm. I feel like the universe is rewarding me in this path cuz already I've met five photographers in a matter of two months. I've had two photo shoots and have another one scheduled for tomorrow, one on Saturday, and I have to make appointments with three other photographers. These are all free, too!

Eventually I'll need compensation, of course but I like that I'm not losing money in an attempt to make money. It's an altruistic benefit. I just have to move forward from here once I gather everything I need to do just that. It's a bit frustrating cuz I want to create profiles online and I'm unable to complete the task cuz I'm not understanding how to save photos or upload them properly due to its size, etc. Fortunately pretty much all of the photographers have been exceptionally helpful, so I feel I can ask them for assistance.

So much has happened and I'm not really sure I'm inclined to record it all. It seems like a chore. But basically here goes! I stalked (yes stalked) my former English professor who now lectures at a different college from where I attended. With my health scare, it's made me examine my priorities. I've bounced around from one interest to another - writing, holistic nutrition coach, modeling, etc. While all of these capture my attention, writing has been a life long passion of mine and the only reason I haven't put together an adequate amount of publishable material is well....that's what I'm trying to discover. No actually that's what I'm trying to change.

As I thought more about this, I intuitively realized who I should seek out. Of course I could always email him and I imagine he would've been receptive, but taking the initiative and asking someone for assistance in my writing project is more likely to result in success if I do it in person. I'm so fortunate that he's receptive, enthusiastic, and has agreed to help me. I didn't go into detail but explained to him that I have a health concern I'm dealing with, it's opened up my schedule, money's tight, and I'm unable to attend school. More importantly, I don't think the key to putting so many of my writing visions together is inside of a classroom with assignments that are unrelated to my personal tasks. Since this is someone who pursued teaching English as a profession, he's more than willing to help me.

It's almost funny that I didn't think about this before. It's cuz I've never asked myself what can I do to help produce results, which is odd right? You'd think I'd ask such an obvious question! But sometimes things have to unfold at certain times and in different increments, so I'm going to choose to be grateful for what's happening now instead of concerning myself with the irrelevant past.

A friend has completed a book and is onto a second one. He's always been encouraging and supportive of my writing. He texted me once how do you not have a book yet and sadly cuz I wasn't in the healthiest mindset, I took offense to his comment which as it turned out was meant to be a kind-hearted one. It wasn't at all a judgmental inquiry and more along the lines of you're so talented. I found myself so excited and giddy for him but at the same time, that genuine happiness for him was an external feeling I was releasing and it was leaving my body. It left me feeling empty. I wanted to keep that excitement for myself, but I don't have anything to be excited for. I want to change that. I don't want my friend's success to be a bittersweet experience laced with a tinge of envy. It affects the quality of friendship I can offer for one thing. But I believe all of that has led me in the right direction.

Timing can be so magical. I became even closer with a friend who I've in the past only spent time with briefly, but you can tell there's this bond between us and she didn't hesitate to express it. She shared with me that she has two sisters, but she feels a sisterly connection with me. To this day, that's one of the best compliments I've ever received. So I couldn't be happier to have gotten closer with her. We both bring out the best qualities in each other, too.

A natural flow of events landed me as her Personal Organizer, which has rewarded her energetically and for me, as well. She gave me some money for my efforts, although I wasn't looking for it. Since she doesn't have much money, she's now offering me products. She's a designer. It's amazing how such a seemingly small gesture became an epiphany. A year ago I thought to ask her to help me accessorize but hesitated since I rarely talked to her and didn't want to run the risk of disturbing her, even though she's always been open and inviting. I rationalized during that time that although I love her designs, the jewelry she makes isn't really my style. To think I wasted an entire year not asking for her advice when it was available all this time hidden in her closet!

It made me realize that I still have self-sabotage traps, and I'm so grateful that I have her in my life cuz she's providing me with a safe, encouraging, and supportive environment for me to say and do the things I instinctively hesitate to do such as ask for help. Her genuine nature is an eye-opener. This is more than accessories for me. It's teaching me to trust my intuition and myself. I want to accessorize more cuz I have a difficult time seeing the big picture. I'm excellent at attention to detail, which is analytical and intellectual. But my creative side is underdeveloped and I want to practice it more. I want to find my creative identity.

Much in the same way I hesitated and rationalized, I remember years ago watching Martha Stewart with a guest who reconstructs t-shirts. I was intrigued and yet I rationalized my attention away by telling myself I'm not crafty, it's too much work, and I'm not creative. I don't even give myself a chance! As I was cleaning out my friend's closet, she was showing me shirts she wants to reconstruct and I remember that vague feeling of appeal resurface, but I yet again ignored it! Now I want to explore it.

I may decide to not pursue it, but I want to allow myself a chance to make informed decisions, rather than rejecting ideas before they have a chance to take shape. The truth is I need the money and this could be a way to do it. It doesn't have to be permanent or maybe it can be. I feel like this free time is about exploring. No matter how much effort I put into filling my time with productive agendas according to societal standards, I find myself in the same place I'm at now. Maybe I'm supposed to discover something.

I want to build my portfolio for modeling. I want paid photo shoots. I want my rent to be lowered. I want more income. I want to explore the creative realm and develop my creative identity. I want to build more meaningful relationships. I want my relationship to deepen. I want to learn to be more honest and open about my feelings. I want to feel comfortable taking the initiative to show someone how I truly feel or at the very least not withdrawal by giving mixed signals. I want to find unconventional ways to make money. I feel that I have to take advantage of uncommon ways to profit at this point in my life, so I'm trying to keep my eyes, ears, and intuition peeled for those opportunities. Manifestations on the rise!

The Unproud American

I think I'm growing both tired and ashamed of my own cultural heritage. I never felt connected to my Japanese and Korean roots. But at least when I was growing up, it felt natural and appropriate that I adopted the American culture. I was born here after all. It was a different time, though.

Maybe I was naive and unaware of what was happening when I was younger which I'm certain is partially true, but the world really has changed. I used to describe myself as an American because I'm open-minded, culturally receptive, independent, an advocate of self-empowerment, believe in the chance for opportunities, and a supporter of freedom of expression. I still hold these values, but they no longer represent America. It's a facade if this illusion is conveyed, and frankly no one really bothers to even articulate the deceit anymore. 

I'm not even sure where to begin. So many of my friends are leaving the country because this is no longer the place people travel to for new opportunities like once upon a time. It's the country people leave or get kicked out of and with good reason. This reality is becoming more real to me as I become more aware and unable to ignore them especially with how it's been affecting me personally. The truth is these things effect all of us, but sometimes its impact is indirect or subtle enough to really matter. Not for me. 

Every country has flaws and I doubt the States is the only one guilty of faults. But what should be rare occurrences are becoming a normality that we, as citizens, silently accept because the structure is set up to leave us disadvantaged. We're debilitated from repair and uneducated or restricted to make improvements or changes. I'm referring not only to malicion but the set up, as well. 

Despite the economic downfall, I've been able to find work. But keeping a job is a different story. And yet I'm no longer seen as someone with a retention problem since this outcome is common. I took a career assessment test that measures how much my income would have to be in order to maintain my desired expenses. I kept everything at an all time minimum. I selected a studio apartment, a car since I'm an adult, groceries only to cook at home, and very little indulgences such as internet which is practically a necessity nowadays. I didn't select cable, shopping for clothes and accessories, and other frivolous expenses. And yet my income would have to be crazy high to sustain living in my area that my career choices excluded any best suited for my skills and abilities. Labor intensive positions dominated career choices to fit my financial lifestyle. -_____- I'm a girl that weighs 96 pounds. I can't do labor. 

I live in a bachelor (a studio without a kitchen) and I take public transportation which I don't mind. But it's the same form of travel I used as an adolescent cuz it's the only choice I can afford as an adult. I really don't like that restriction. I can't realistically see myself upgrading based on financial circumstances. 

You know it's a bad sign when unemployment offers more financial stability than actual employment. Many companies only hire part-time employees, which means either I penny pinch like crazy and can't afford anything to go wrong which is unlikely or accumulate debt which I'm grateful I've been able to avoid. But being hired as an employee doesn't mean I have strictly part-time hours, which would make me eligible for unemployment. Not that I want to rely on government funding, but sometimes when I don't have money, I need it... Part-time employees can temporarily be assigned full-time hours. In the state of California after three consecutive weeks of full-time hours, employees must receive benefits. So many companies hire employees as part-time workers and over work us anywhere from 40-90 hours and then drop us to barely 20 hours on the third week. This vicious cycle continues. Many people are also hired as seasonal employees and then re-hired months later. Or to be hired as full-time employees, we have to sign a contract that forfeits our right to benefits. 

It's such exploitation. I'm only able to make ends meet with catering and bartending gigs which don't come around often enough. You'd think not having a higher education plays a role but before you think it's appropriate to criticize me for my limited educational background, it doesn't apply. Many college graduates are in greater debt including doctors who are unable to find work. Many college graduates are denied jobs cuz their crendentials make them over qualified and companies can't afford to pay a higher salary. 

Downgrading or having roommates become inevitable considerations. When you're strapped for cash, what else can you do? In this situation, not much unless I move to a place that doesn't have these barriers... It's only a natural evolution to weigh other possibilities. 

In addition to employment and financial problems attached to it, health insurance is a nightmare. Have you seen the documentary Sicko? A woman who had breast cancer was denied treatment with a technicality of a previous health record which was a yeast infection... -____- Hospitals hire people ways to legally reject medical services as a way to save money at the cost of peoples' lives. Elder hospital residents were shuffled into taxi cabs and out of hospital rooms to make space to admit more patients. Cost of health care is outrageous. It's not only greedy, but our health care system invests methods that kill the very people they're meant to protect. Interesting thing about documentaries is that it's sensationalized to a degree, but these aren't exaggerated and common practice. 

It costs me money to request my medical records. There are certain unnecessary but costly surgeries that are procedurally conducted for profit such as appendix removal. I was fortunate that the surgeon on staff refused to put me in surgery when my inflamed appendix would've legally granted him the right to do so. But with antibiotics and close medical supervision, the inflammation went down without the need of surgery. However in most cases there are many procedures, both surgeries and unnecessary testings that are conducted for profit. There are books revealing which tests are unnecessary for specific symptoms but are conducted none the less to exploit uneducated patients. It's horrible. 

I've been in a lot of pain and unable to schedule appointments with physicians and specialists. It's unfortunately common. A while back I read that funding to produce chemotherapy has been cut back, so doctors are instructed to put patients on chemotherapy at a later stage of cancer despite the fact that it'll decrease the chances of survival. Funding in the medical industry is being reduced cuz it's being allocated to other things. I won't pretend to be aware of what it is. All I know is this circumstance is despicable. 

I watch the news and see murderers like Zimmerman commit crime in cold blood and then deny it and avoid legal consequence as a result of the legal system. Even facing jail time, he's looking at far less years than someone who hacked into private video footage of porn. Of course an invasion of privacy is unacceptable. I'm not discounting that at all, but how come viewership results in a lifetime of prison while murder goes for far less? One woman was fired for saving her employer's life by donating an organ. While I'm at it, the good samaritan law says you give implied consent to someone saving your life when you need CPR and are unconscious. Yet doctors who save peoples' lives but leave them with a broken rib end up in jail! It's unimaginable! It's too many horrible things happening all at the same time. My tolerance is growing thin. 

It's difficult for me to build a life here with my financial limitations. My health isn't valued. And I'm ashamed of my legal system. Finding work is such a challenge. My choices have led me to this life. I don't want to sit here and make excuses cuz it changes nothing. But the fact remains that I'm twenty eight with no career. I'm too busy making ends meet to build on an existing foundation. At best all I can do is maintain what I have. My situation is certainly not the worst and I'm impressively resourceful. But I don't want to maintain this current lifestyle indefinitely. 

As more time passes, I'm beginning to realize that if I want a better future for myself, I really should consider moving out of this country. It's scary to just get up and move. Stability has never been a part of my life, and it's finally began to settle down. To get up and move to a foreign country is like traveling towards a path of uncertainty that I'd create. And yet I'm learning that it can be done. 

I've always been interested in France. As an adult, I forget how much it appealed to me as a child but I've been reminded of it a lot lately cuz a really close friend of mine is French. He says my mentality is very European and encourages me to move there at one point cuz he genuinely believes I'll enjoy it there. But I kept thinking where would I stay? I don't have any friends there and have no money. How will I support myself? It's a foreign language I don't really speak, certainly not enough to get a job out of it. But the truth is in France, you don't get kicked out when you have no means to pay to support yourself. That doesn't mean I want to freeload but that already offers me more of an advantage than my own country. So it's not as risky to move as I once believed it to be. 

I'm far from ready to leave despite my protests. But eventually I want to move. Ideally I want to be ready to move, although that doesn't seem realistic. I'm not the type of person who's able to be "ready" to move to a foreign country where uncertainty dominates. Yet I handle unexpectations surprisingly well. If I'm not going to be ready to move, when do I make the move? The only answer I know for sure  is not now. But time has a way of being perceptually deceptive. It passes us by quietly but also quickly. I've been living in LA for ten years and although I've changed so much since I've moved here, evidence that a lot of time has passed, it hasn't felt like ten years. I don't want another ten years to pass me by while I stay fixed at my current location. I don't want to be stagnant and the world is too huge for me to not allow myself more experiences than my current surrounding. 

What Would I do if I Won the Lotto?

Interestingly enough, this is a blog topic on my to-do list. With the huge jackpot, I find it an appropriate time to elaborate my thoughts on this. When I was younger I was adamant that having a lot of money wouldn't change me, but that was rather naive of me. Everything changes us all the time. What we do and what we don't do, every experience that we go through and are exposed to changes us even in subtle ways. To inherit a ridiculous amount of wealth, it's impossible to not change.

Much in the same way I became anti-domesticated because of gender role exposure I had growing up, I was experiencing another extremist position. I was brought up told that it was a woman's job, place, and purpose to cook, to cook for her man. I thought that was the most condescending, disrespectful, and dumbest concept of all time. I still believe that. Women in my culture are often seen as inferior cuz our role is within the home. If we're so inferior, then why is it that men are unable to do it themselves since it's so simple was often my snarky response. My dad was helpless in the kitchen. My response went unanswered with the remark that I'm a child and I don't deserve such an answer cuz it was an adult's world. And yet I was expected to be a part of this adult's world by cooking. I wasn't having it.

I refused to contribute to a belief I didn't have. It wasn't until I lost the TiVo remote and saw the Food Network channel for an entire day that I rushed to the grocery store and began cooking because I didn't want what restaurants offered; I wanted what I saw on TV! Those exact dishes! I was in a relationship with a guy who did the cooking at that time, so I didn't mind it. This experience showed me that I can cook without compromising my feminist integrity. It's empowering to take my health into my own hands, and I'm important enough to make a priority. So cooking is one of the best ways to do it.

When it came to wealth, I had the same one-sided distortion, that money corrupts people. So I was determined that it wouldn't happen to me, but the truth is I would've been far more susceptible to it then than now. Not every change is bad, and I do want to change if I came across such wealth since I don't plan on letting it sit in a bank. I want to enrich my life, allow myself experiences I wouldn't otherwise have a chance to have, and make the world a better place with my resources.

My perspective has evolved a lot more since I thought about wealth cuz my focus hasn't been on money. So what would I do if I won the lotto? I'd donate a substantial amount to some of my favorite charity organizations such as Habitat for Humanity, Heifer Foundation, and Haitian Foundation. I'd also invest resources into finding the best organizations for other causes such as animal rights, children suffering from cancer, health insurance, and a myriad of other concerns. I'd create a list of as many issues and uncover the best charity organizations based on how much money goes into the cause and how the rest of the money is distributed. I don't want to waste my money on organizations that re-circulate most of the funding into marketing. That doesn't help the people who are in need.

I'd like to be anonymous. I wonder if that's possible. I wouldn't change my life instantly. I would continue to go to my fairly entry-level job as a receptionist, while I brainstorm how I'd like my future to change. Since I read Personal Finance for Dummies and I'd have no excuse for being not being financially-responsible, I'll invest my money into mutual funds like money market funds, short-term bonds, and long-term stock.

I'd get my mom a place. She just had reconstructive knee surgery, so I'd like her to live in a place that's easily commutable. She's finally able to move, so I want her to be located in a central spot where she can enjoy her surroundings like a nearby beach, coffee houses, bookstore, and other social spots. She may be old, but she's not dead. Trust me. I call her and she can't talk cuz she's in Vegas, while my brother and I text each other on Friday and Saturday nights while we stay home...

I don't want to give her an allowance, so to speak. As much as she'd love to have a house, I'd refrain from it. Please hear me out. It isn't cuz of the money especially since it's so substantial! It's just that she's a very kind and generous woman. People tend to take advantage of that. I'd like to see her in a small apartment that's appropriated to accommodate just herself. She needs to learn how to make herself a priority, and she won't do that if she has a huge house that allows her to sustain her current entertainer status. It's that very habit that forces her to live paycheck by paycheck.

I want her to not have to worry about money. I want her knee to recover in the best way possible, so I'd like to hire a physical therapist and fitness trainer that specializes in treating knee recovery patients. I want her to have the freedom and opportunity to take time off from work so that she can properly recover, rather than force herself to work to make rent and live paycheck by paycheck. But I don't want to make her life so comfortable that she won't go after it. I want to empower her and give her the tools to enjoy life. So maybe once she learns to make herself a priority, I'll reconsider offering her a huge home. But I won't do it if people are going to continue to deplete her financially and emotionally. It's not fair to her, but she's an adult. She holds responsibility for how others treat her especially in her own home.

Also I feel that I'd be doing the world a disservice by giving her so much money that she'll never have to work a day in her life because she's intelligent, perceptive, open, observant, helpful, empathetic, compassionate, caring, hardworking, and an advocate for others. We need people like that in our world. I want her to have her own workshops, so she can create her own schedule and do consulting work. I want her to continue to help others.

I'm not sure what I'd get my brother, but it'll have to considered. He's a talented chef, and maybe he'd like his own restaurant. I told my mom about a coffee shop I'd like to have and the ideas that I want to incorporate. She really likes the idea of me pursuing it cuz she said it's filled with innovative ideas. The coffee shop or more like coffee lounge would have a very different identity from my brother, but maybe it's a project we could both work on. Who knows. It's definitely a thought I'd explore.

I currently live in a bachelor, which is basically a studio without a kitchen. I want to finish decorating it. I want my chakra painted, a mural painted in place of a bed frame, and a wall decal of some inspirational words. I would put it all together, and I'd stay there for a while before I move. Decorating is a way of expressing our identity through design. It's not just about getting a bigger and better house. I want to repaint my dresser, too!

I'd go through my bucket list - skydiving, sweat lodge, see a psychic, get my aura read, take sewing lessons, learn French and American sign language, travel with a high priority for India and France, jump off of a waterfall, get a purple flower tattoo on the back of my left shoulder with a lotto bonus which is to find a tattoo artist willing to ink me when I'm sedated. I also want to dive deeper into crafts. I keep wanting to complete a bunch of tasks like making a journal, creating a memory box, paint an abstract image, origami, candles, soaps, jewelry, purses, etc., but I never do. Maybe I can hire a crafter. I'd like to do something similar with cooking, but rather than get a chef, I want to create a class where we can gather and make food together. Obviously I won't need to charge people and can supply the ingredients. It'd be a nice thing to offer for people who can't afford classes and would food. It can be centered on foods that can be frozen, pickled, and stuff like that. Multiple meals can be made in a single day and brought home.

I want to start a non-profit for homeless mothers with children who have no history of drug abuse. I want an apartment complex dedicated to these families and function as sort of a halfway home. I want there to be a community garden where the women take turns taking care of it and growing produce they can consume. I don't want to put funding into existing programs such as job orientations cuz it's a waste of time and resources. Even with my wealth, I don't want to waste it. I don't want this to be a free ride. The women will have to be productive. If they aren't working, then they're making food for homeless shelters or involved in some sort of volunteer program.

I'd like a food truck where salads and mashed potatoes are sold. These ingredients can be grown on site, making the costs affordable. A food truck is easier to maintain than a restaurant and since there will be no meat served, it's much easier to meet the health code standards. Portability is a definitely plus. The type of meals being served doesn't require culinary experience and is easy to train, too. Work can already be provided for them.

The one thing people forget in these situations are the children. They're suffering too. I'd like to offer a gardening class, a hiking trail, art class, or some sort of activity for the kids to be a part of. It'd also be good to have, so children have supervision when their mothers are working.

My co-worker said she wants to start a non-profit for immigrants who are trying to enter this country. She'd go through a detailed evaluation to determine the best qualified candidates and provide them with funding to live here legally but only offering resources to people who will contribute to this society. She also wants to create an organization for children who have incurable cancer. I'm guessing she wants to offer them opportunities that'll make their condition more bearable for them. That's such a great idea and I respect her for it. I'd work with her on creating those organizations.

I have a friend I want to invest in. I'd like to give him the resources to start his own bakery. I want to be cautious about giving money away to people, so I'm not sure how I'd approach that yet. I'd compile a list of people who matter the most to people and consider what I can buy them. And maybe it'll just be cash, but I'm really not sure at this point. So far this is my list. I really would love to travel, though.

My Subconscious Speaks to Me

I have quite a few thoughts I'd like to express, but I find myself rather unmotivated to elaborate on them. The danger of withholding these information is that these thoughts take up space when my mind should be freer. So I decided out of all the topics I want to address this is an appropriate selection. My subconscious thoughts. My subconscious speaks to me through my dreams, which must mean that I'm not dealing with them properly or at all in my waking life.

I used to remember most of my dreams and they were rather vivid, so vivid that some people doubted my honesty. But as you get older, people become more receptive and open-minded to things. We may become more hardened and distrustful with the added layers of betrayal that unfortunately comes with time, but we stop being so narrow-minded, too. Things begin to have dimensions and complexities. But I digress....

My point is that for a long while I've forgotten my dreams until lately. Now I don't recall any recurring dreams, but the same person keeps surfacing within my dreams. It was a guy I was involved with but we were never together. We spent three years as somewhat distant friends.

Let me elaborate. We worked together and saw each other only once a week. We fully immersed ourselves in extensive emails when we did communicate, but we didn't talk to each other regularly. We had our own separate lives and aside from our professional connection, our lives didn't intertwine except for the email interactions which were actually really deep. It's interesting because it was clear we liked each other and put a lot of effort into each other but only when we did. We did that for three years before we finally got involved.

It was discussed thoroughly and we had an understanding that it wasn't a relationship. Later I discovered it's because although he wanted to be with me, he didn't have the time. Next thing you know he moved. I know there were reasons beyond his control, but I felt like he was able to make those decisions effortlessly as though I were never a factor. And if what we had was a casual encounter that makes sense. His residence fluctuates. Currently he's local but that'll change shortly until he returns here again.

With all this going on, I made the decision to end things. As much as I liked him, it felt like we were just floating and suspended in midair, never really going anywhere. I'm not really sure what I had in mind. All I knew before anything got started was that I clearly liked him and couldn't see those feelings go away. Three years! So I, we, felt that they should be explored and we did. Not that I was ever completely satiated romantically anyways, but for a while it worked. Eventually I realized I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it, and that's why I ended things. It was never because I stopped liking him.

In fact, I've had premonitions of our unborn children. As receptive as he's always been and despite the fact that he was the one who was always there for me as I struggled with premonitions, I felt burdened by what I saw and kept them from him only to discover that he's sensed the spirit of our children. I vaguely sensed our son but I suppressed him. He didn't. Life is full of surprises.

I really want to meet our daughter, but I can't base on my present choices on future possibilities. I want more from someone I'm intimate with than he can offer me. I also met someone else I really like, and I don't want anyone to think that he's rebound because he's so much more than that. Also, the fact that I was able to like someone else shows how amazing he is. But all of this is so complicated.

Anyways I've had dreams with this guy where we're in a car and he's going down on me, but it isn't a regular car. Instead of there being seats, we actually knee down and there's something in front of us that goes up to our chest that keeps us from moving forward. He went under me. I also had other people in my dreams. In fact, every dream involved other people, too.

In another dream, I saw him with a huge Afro. It was indoors. The space looked gray and huge. There was a granite counter between us and he just walked passed it and me.

In the most recent dream, I was sleeping on the beach. I had a whole thing to sleep on and everything. I woke up to the police crew which was actually his co-workers. Apparently to the left of me was a dead body buried. I didn't sense anything and didn't realize it until I was well past that area. But when I realized what happened and turned around, I screamed. He immediately went down on his knees. It was almost ritualistic, but he could've known the deceased. I actually might have an idea what that could be about.

These dreams are so obscure that dream dictionary's aren't of much insight. Some obscurities might be revealed. But most of my dreams are interpreted with more depth and clarity. I don't usually need dreams to be aware of what's going on, but that extra echo makes me focus on it more. This is something else. It's unusual. And I'm not sure what to do with it. Lately I haven't been sleeping well, either, unless someone's lying next to me. But I'm not sure how healthy it is or if it's fair to any guy.

The Traveler's Spark?

The less I think of the idea of traveling (not that I've given it much conscious thought) and the more I resonate on the idea of it, the more intriguing and less frightening, impossible, and radical it becomes. Or maybe it's a new level of awareness I reached with a guy. There are two guys that I really like. One I've known for a few years now, and we've developed a deep connection with each other. But our undying habit of keeping each other at a distance hasn't allowed much growth in our relationship. With his financial troubles, he moved out of state and is now considering taking a job on a cruise. So he's not really around. There's another guy who I'm really beginning to really like, but I guess every situation has challenges to hurdle. Although I may be rash in interpreting hesitation, a natural reaction before something serious develops as defeat. But I want to stay focused on topic, though.

I have been feeling stagnant, but today I feel more lively, lighter. I found some writing inspiration and found a way to channel something I've been struggling with. It's titled "Dear Izzy" and I believe it's made a world of difference. I've also come to some realization about something. Sometimes I need to immerse myself fully in something, no matter how painful or negative it is and not let other factors tether me down. It's more devastating, but once I know what I'm dealing with, the better I can handle it and that's a necessary step to move forward. I felt imprisoned for the past three years, not able to let go and I'm no longer trying to force a separation. Honesty is the best medicine.

I just want to take this moment to appreciate the mood I'm in. As I entered the library as I've been doing for so long now as I do on a regular basis, I realized how stagnant I've been as I continue the same motions everyday. Then the idea of traveling became a welcome idea. :) I'm not sure it's something I want to jump into right away, but I like that I'm beginning more open to it. It's no longer this foreign, impossible lifestyle outside of my reach and potential.

Pomegranate Corn 9

I realized something since I last blogged (yesterday). I shouldn't wait until I return to a previous state of mind which may or may not present itself before I express what I want to express. (Double express? I gotta expand my vocabulary and also stop being so critical of myself! Such a distraction that is!) Back on point: Feelings change; they're fluid, they grow, they alter, they dissipate. It flows. So what we once felt at a given moment in time may never mold back that way. That's what makes feelings so powerful and meaningful. There's a bittersweet element to its volatility and interchangeable nature. If feelings stayed the same, we would eventually desensitize from them and it'll lose its rawness, its potency. So instead of wishing for past feelings to manifest, I should just be grateful to have had them, appreciate them, and when I feel it's appropriate as I do now, freeze the moment in time through whatever channel I choose. And since I chose to blog about this, I choose writing, blogging.

As open as I've learned to become about my day to day experiences, the interactions I have with people, and my personal feelings and epiphanies, I still choose to not disclose much about my love life because I believe it's an intimate experience between two people. That unique bond that can only be experienced by those two people and no one else. But I want to guard against following a specific set of rules just because they've been established as "rules." This is something I want to share.

There's someone I'm involved with right now, and I really like him. But we're both pretty busy and we can't offer each other as much time as we'd like. It's unfortunate but we both understand that we have our own things to deal with that take priority. It's actually kind of refreshing to be with someone who's at the same place as me so understands. In some ways it makes our time together even more special. So what more can I ask for? Neither of us want to over extend ourselves beyond our capacity, and that's a healthy perspective.

But it has left me wondering sometimes how and when we'll develop into something more than what we are. We're definitely moving along and the changes I've sensed long ago seem to be building. And I've learned to not focus my time and energy wondering because it won't expedite or change where we are now or where we're going in any positive way. My focus should be on more relevant and productive matters that require my attention.

Feelings just happen. And what I've realized is that when I'm focused on other things, I still think of him and want him close to me the way I know he feels about me. That doesn't change. A while back I had a dream that involved him. We were at a local organic shop except the store was different. If you keep walking through the store, it eventually led to a backyard, my parent's backyard, in fact. But in the dream it was an extension of the store. Customers harvested plants directly from the garden to purchase. It was such a neat concept, actually.

I was grabbing some "sugar cane" for him because he needed the ingredient for an upcoming job except it wasn't really sugar cane. That's what I thought it to be in the dream, but it wasn't at all what a sugar cane actually is. It looked like corn but doesn't grow the way I know corn to grow. There was a thick stalk and corn was growing out of them which might sound a lot like the way corn actually grows but it was different. Just trust me.

Instead of the kernels being white, yellow, or even blue, it was red. And when it was ripe and ready to be harvested, it stained the husk a red tint, too. It was swollen, squishy, and soft to the touch. I shared this dream with him and he described the plant as "pomegranate corn." What a beautiful description. I can't think of a better way to describe it.

It was difficult to determine what that dream meant because I wasn't quite sure what to search under, but what I did uncover were all positive because you figure there's harvesting involved which symbolizes prosperity. :) So that dream is known as Pomegranate Corn. If I were asked if I can create any food, it'd be pomegranate corn.

It was hard to believe at the time how those feelings can relate to both of us from that dream because not enough has happened yet between us. But if there's one thing I've learned about us, my intuition is far more advanced in feeling what's yet to occur. If I can so easily distrust myself, I should find more balance by giving myself the benefit of the doubt and trust that there's reason for hope. Even though I'm changing, it's not exactly in my nature to trust. So when it happens, I'd like to be believe it's a deserved reaction. So far it's proven to be true overall.

Pomegranate Corn 9 is another dream that involves him. There was no pomegranate corn, but I find the title fitting. I saw him at a farmer's market and his boss informs me that I paid twice last week for a drink. I told her that I didn't think I did. An employee of hers shared my same position, but she was adamant I did. She said "I think you did" and was civil but very adamant and firm in a screaming yes you did sort of way. Okay....

So then she puts $7 down in front of me and I get a beverage that is, in fact, $8 but I put down an extra $2 to fulfill the complete payment. Then the guy I'm involved with appears to the left of me. It's at this point that I no longer see his boss but his co-worker is still within my vision. He unnecessarily wraps his arms around me to point towards the oranges to say look there's oranges, and I reciprocate this hilarious and ridiculous gesture while acknowledging the oranges. Then he begins to kiss me. That's when I wake up a quietly good mood with a smile on my face. It was very nice.

Money symbolizes qualities characteristic to the first Pomegranate Corn dream, success and prosperity but it can also relate to belief in yourself, matters of the heart, sexuality and power. To give or spend money in your dream is analogous to giving love, looking for love. When money is being given away, it suggests you're feeling ignored, overlooked or neglected, that someone isn't paying enough attention or showing you enough affectionate. Truthfully speaking, I wish we spent more time with each other. I won't lie. But it's the sense of feeling I got that holds its power. And how it ended with a kiss.

Recently our schedules conflicted, so we went longer than we would've liked to without seeing each other. We were both tired, overwhelmed, distracted, and our communication started to become merely informative, a confirmation that unfortunately we couldn't see each other that day or something along those lines. When we did see each other, it was short but sweet. It was without a doubt one of our best hang outs and we both felt it. It was undeniable. I feel like that dream mirrored our experience. Eventually we did see each other and it was great. I do want more affection and he kissed me. :)

Then there are numbers that have significance in the dream. $7 and $2 equaling $9. When it comes to numbers in dreams, it should be deduced to a single digit. So if you dream of a specific year, for example, you're supposed to break down those numbers and keep adding until it's reduced to a single digit. What I found incredible is that while each number involved has some sort of significance that speaks to me, when you add them all together until you get a single digit, you end up with the number 9 again! And at the end, $9 was the total amount. It's after $9 was accumulated that I got my kiss, as though that had to happen before we could kiss.

Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music, and attainment of high spirituality. Or it could relate to the seven deadly sins, seven days of the week, seven chakras, or uniqueness and eccentricity. It's up to me to decipher which ones relate to me based on my intuition. I believe it relates to high spirituality. I'm a spiritual person and I feel like I've become a lot more connected to the universe lately and this dream is just sharing with me the progress that's occurring. And this symbolic number was given to me.

Two stands for balance, diversity; partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength and even duality and opposites - male and female, mother and father, light and dark, heaven and hell, yin and yang..... Balance, partnership, soul, receptivity, and even double strength speak to me and not because those are positive and it's nice for those qualities to be present in my life. I really feel connected to those specific meanings especially receptivity. It's after $2 that he began kissing me.

Nine, the most powerful number of all, denotes completion, closure, rebirth, inspiration, and reformation. YOU ARE ON A PRODUCTIVE PATH, SEEKING TO IMPROVE THE WORLD. Number nine symbolizes longevity. At least I feel it's the most powerful number of them all. Rebirth. I sense that. I'm defining and reinventing myself into a better person. I've been on this path determining what kind of career I want to lead.

I want to get into an altruistic field but beyond that my mind has gone blank. I feel like before I can be productive in my thoughts, ideas have to build first. That's what I'm exploring right now and these dreams are reassuring me that I'm on the right path. I sensed a hint of that but it was hard imagining it with the first dream because I'm unemployed. How can there be prosperity? Now I'm starting to feel it.

I'm still in the development process and can't even write about it. But I started meeting a lot of great people and I've been partying a lot which doesn't seem productive except it's through these parties that I've meant people who could be conducive to my growth in establishing the right path for me. That's amazing.

This dream also gave me a sense of peace with something I wasn't completely comfortable with. This dream is about me and the changes I'm going through which does albeit involve this guy, but why can't I undergo this process without his presence? When I stopped getting premonitions of him or I'm not channeling him, it's an indicator that I'm emotionally detached. There's a blockage that needs to be removed. And that's important to be aware of but why does such an important element in my life have to involve a guy? Can't I transcend beyond a guy I like? Why can't I be independent of him? These are all minor thoughts that have crossed my mind.

It was in this dream that his presence and my life's purpose co-existed peacefully. His presence added dimension and a pleasure I welcome. It's not that I can't be independent of him. It's that he's important. And what's wrong with that? It's kind of cool that he's there and even neater that my subconscious which has the ability to see into the future is seeing prosperity in my path.

Hence Pomegranate Corn 9.

Oh yeah and the kissing....To dream of a kiss denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and content which is what I woke up feeling.