Learn to Play the Game

I was recommended by a really good friend of mine to learn how to play the game, the chase, how to manipulate someone you're involved with and things of that nature. While it's honest, it may sound distasteful. But this wasn't coming from a manipulat perspective where she wants me to serve a selfish agenda. As with most of my friends, she's much older than me. She's in her sixties and she hated giving me this advice. The idea of being a part of it puts me off, but I see her point.

Knowledge is power. I still don't know how this all works. I'll never know, but what I mean is it's fairly new to me at this time. The truth is we all manipulate. Anyone who says otherwise is either stupid or in denial. Seriously because it's a conscious, subconscious, AND unconscious act. There's no way we can control it. That isn't to say we should channel it and utilize it to our benefit because exploiting others is certainly not on my agenda (unless I want to borrow cute kids on Halloween to score free candy... What? I'm being honest! LOL)

With that said...the best way to protect ourselves from being a victim of manipulation (albeit a futile effort but we gotta try) is to familiarize ourselves with the very thing we want to protect ourselves from. Makes sense, right? I don't think it's possible to know the game without playing the game. Participation's required. Even just hearing about it makes us witnessing participants. The truth is when I withhold from playing the game all I'm doing is withdrawaling from active participation, but I'm still mentally engaged because an uncontrollable reflex thought, an awareness registers and informs me if I do this, I know he'll respond this way but if I do that, he'll act like this. Playing the game is essentially knowing the cause and effects and contributing to its outcome. What's twisted is refusing to "participate" is still an involvement in the game. That's like playing a board game and saying "pass". You skipped your turn, but you're still in it because every action (even an absence of an action) is still contributing to the outcome.

I find it respectable to minimize your participation, but I don't think it's realistic or even possible to disengage fully from it because manipulation is encoded in our DNA. The truth is I don't think it's all bad. I manipulate my friends in that I act in specific ways to cause specific reactions in them such as expressing something more gentle if I find that they'll be more receptive. I had a co-worker who I became very good friends with, and our boss was honestly a con man. I wanted my friend to not fall victim to his deceit and deal with the financial repercussions because he has student loans and other debts he's responsible for. I did directly warn him, but I knew our boss for over five years at that point. I could travel his mind and predict exactly how he'll be deceptive and the consequences it'll have on us. But I knew my friend would completely reject the details despite its accuracy. So instead I slowly provided details to keep him aware and focused on our boss' tendencies and habits. I essentially influenced and managed his reaction.

The truth is I'm intelligent and socially aware enough to take that skill and apply it in morally-compromising circumstances, but I choose not to. I can't separate myself from my misdeeds. So no matter how much I want something, I won't enjoy it if I obtained it deceptively and I want to enjoy my rewards. Feeling so connected to everything, I hate playing the game because I feel what I orchestrated, what I caused artificially and externally, knowing that without my "play", he would've acted very differently.

The more I play, the more I see. I've become desensitized by my frustrations probably as a defense mechanism. I don't have the energy to get upset every single time. I've discovered that people say dishonest things all the time as a way to be safely indirect and discreet, while obtaining the knowledge they desire. It's harmless, but it's unnecessary. What's worse is the more I recognize it, the heavier the dishonesty becomes. A hundred small lies will begin to weigh on me like one big lie because deception has energy. I don't like being exposed to it, but the truth is I am whether I'm aware of it or not. Knowledge is power.

A guy at my local Sprint store was checking me out. I can sense it. I went in there with a friend of mine, and it was evident that he and I were involved. We weren't showing displays of affecion, but you can tell by the way we interacted and talked to each other. The representative was perceptive and intelligent enough to know this. When I returned for a different reason alone, he asked if I just got off the phone with my ex after I talked to my dad... Then he said, "Oh that's right, you said you and your boyfriend broke up right?" Uhhhhhh no. I didn't have a boyfriend to break up with, and I certainly never divulged such details to someone I only met twice. Or at least that's what I'm thinking. I gave him a simple no. To test out my suspicion that it was a strategic tactic, I elaborated that I didn't have a boyfriend to break up with. After all everything has energy. So if he got the answer he wanted out of me, I'd sense it which I did because I was playing the game. He apologized and said it must've been someone else. Yeah right....

People do small shit like that all the fucking time! There are bigger things to be concerned with, but I'm a Pisces. I feel a lot and even small things burden me. So it frustrates me.

My friend said that most guys don't admit what they actually feel, say what they mean, and it's a rare guy who's honest and direct about them. I think that's a human trait. But for all intense and purposes, I'm relating this to guys because that's what's relevant in my situation. So her statement applies and I agree on general terms. I was both blessed and cursed to be exposed to someone honest, and we remain friends. It's gratifying to know that that kind of honesty does exist, but it also makes it frustrating because that's far more likely to be an isolated incident.

When people lie to us and we blindly trust them, we get hurt. We're defenseless against the truth and deceit. That's why it's imperative to develop our intuition because it's meant to protect and guide us. It sucks to question someone's honesty especially when you're intimate, romantic, and sexual with that person. But never disregard those suspicions. Explore them. It could be baseless paranoid or it could be that your intuition is trying t warn you, but take the time to discover where it's coming from. It's so important. With people lying left and right, learning to play the game and recognizing the signs makes sense. The more exposed you are, the better armed you are against it.

Of course it's ideal to find a guy who doesn't do that. But I really think it's not realistic. If we disposed of every guy who demonstrated some form of dishonesty or playing the game, nothing menaingful could develop. Guys like the chase, the drama, the ups and downs. Society creates this perception that it's exclusive to women, but guys like adventure and conquership. It's boring once a guy's obtained you that he needs the excitement of playing the game even after he's in it.

This reminds me of something a friend of mine posted on facebook. We bonded a lot over matters of honesty, life, love, all those types of things. She and I share a very similar perspective. What she posted I agree with so deeply, but it came with a saddening epiphany. Because we feel the way we do and since it's such an unpopular and incompatible perspective, I believe it'll be harder for us to find someone than others. Not that it'd be impossible, but we'll experience more challenges and difficulties. She said it didn't make sense to her to play the game, manipulate, and chase because that means she's running away from the one person she wants to be near. I absolutely agree with her! But again guys like the chase. Since we find it disigenuous and illogical, we're less likely to do it and most guys will probably dislike it. Lucky us... It's inconvenient, but we can either do something we dislike or be genuine.

I'm choosing to not to define a permanent decision. Sometimes I'll resist or refuse to actively participate in playing the game. Other times I'll engage. Right, wrong, immoral, compromising, who knows. That's too subjective to make such a generalized statement because every situation is different.

My Subconscious Speaks to Me

I have quite a few thoughts I'd like to express, but I find myself rather unmotivated to elaborate on them. The danger of withholding these information is that these thoughts take up space when my mind should be freer. So I decided out of all the topics I want to address this is an appropriate selection. My subconscious thoughts. My subconscious speaks to me through my dreams, which must mean that I'm not dealing with them properly or at all in my waking life.

I used to remember most of my dreams and they were rather vivid, so vivid that some people doubted my honesty. But as you get older, people become more receptive and open-minded to things. We may become more hardened and distrustful with the added layers of betrayal that unfortunately comes with time, but we stop being so narrow-minded, too. Things begin to have dimensions and complexities. But I digress....

My point is that for a long while I've forgotten my dreams until lately. Now I don't recall any recurring dreams, but the same person keeps surfacing within my dreams. It was a guy I was involved with but we were never together. We spent three years as somewhat distant friends.

Let me elaborate. We worked together and saw each other only once a week. We fully immersed ourselves in extensive emails when we did communicate, but we didn't talk to each other regularly. We had our own separate lives and aside from our professional connection, our lives didn't intertwine except for the email interactions which were actually really deep. It's interesting because it was clear we liked each other and put a lot of effort into each other but only when we did. We did that for three years before we finally got involved.

It was discussed thoroughly and we had an understanding that it wasn't a relationship. Later I discovered it's because although he wanted to be with me, he didn't have the time. Next thing you know he moved. I know there were reasons beyond his control, but I felt like he was able to make those decisions effortlessly as though I were never a factor. And if what we had was a casual encounter that makes sense. His residence fluctuates. Currently he's local but that'll change shortly until he returns here again.

With all this going on, I made the decision to end things. As much as I liked him, it felt like we were just floating and suspended in midair, never really going anywhere. I'm not really sure what I had in mind. All I knew before anything got started was that I clearly liked him and couldn't see those feelings go away. Three years! So I, we, felt that they should be explored and we did. Not that I was ever completely satiated romantically anyways, but for a while it worked. Eventually I realized I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it, and that's why I ended things. It was never because I stopped liking him.

In fact, I've had premonitions of our unborn children. As receptive as he's always been and despite the fact that he was the one who was always there for me as I struggled with premonitions, I felt burdened by what I saw and kept them from him only to discover that he's sensed the spirit of our children. I vaguely sensed our son but I suppressed him. He didn't. Life is full of surprises.

I really want to meet our daughter, but I can't base on my present choices on future possibilities. I want more from someone I'm intimate with than he can offer me. I also met someone else I really like, and I don't want anyone to think that he's rebound because he's so much more than that. Also, the fact that I was able to like someone else shows how amazing he is. But all of this is so complicated.

Anyways I've had dreams with this guy where we're in a car and he's going down on me, but it isn't a regular car. Instead of there being seats, we actually knee down and there's something in front of us that goes up to our chest that keeps us from moving forward. He went under me. I also had other people in my dreams. In fact, every dream involved other people, too.

In another dream, I saw him with a huge Afro. It was indoors. The space looked gray and huge. There was a granite counter between us and he just walked passed it and me.

In the most recent dream, I was sleeping on the beach. I had a whole thing to sleep on and everything. I woke up to the police crew which was actually his co-workers. Apparently to the left of me was a dead body buried. I didn't sense anything and didn't realize it until I was well past that area. But when I realized what happened and turned around, I screamed. He immediately went down on his knees. It was almost ritualistic, but he could've known the deceased. I actually might have an idea what that could be about.

These dreams are so obscure that dream dictionary's aren't of much insight. Some obscurities might be revealed. But most of my dreams are interpreted with more depth and clarity. I don't usually need dreams to be aware of what's going on, but that extra echo makes me focus on it more. This is something else. It's unusual. And I'm not sure what to do with it. Lately I haven't been sleeping well, either, unless someone's lying next to me. But I'm not sure how healthy it is or if it's fair to any guy.

I Don't Know When I'll See You

Here’s an example of my insecurities running rampant. I spend most of my time with this guy I’m seeing. It’s also become routine. I don’t mean that in a boring, predictable way but seeing each other is no longer something we plan; it’s something we do naturally. When he has to leave for work, he confirms if I’m staying at his place and asks me if I want him to pick something up. He’s comfortable with me at his place. He calls me everyday and we keep in touch.

Not much has suggested that we’ll part ways any time soon, and yet the simple sentence “I don’t know when I’ll see you,” has filled me with insecurities. He wanted to give me some food, but I wanted to go to the library and didn’t feel like lugging it around. So he offered to hold onto it for me.

I texted him when the library was closed simply to share. I wasn’t trying to hunt for a ride or anything especially since he was probably long gone from my area, but he immediately calls me back to let me know he’ll come and pick me up. That way I can take the food with me. He says, “I don’t know when I’ll see you.” Is it that much of a mystery? We see each other so often that I would’ve assumed I’d get the food not long after.

Usually I’ll make it a point to address questionable statements like this, but after a considerable amount of time, I FINALLY learned that it doesn’t go over very well. No one likes being presented with that. If I’m looking too into it, the recipient takes offense. If there’s truth to it and I recognize it immediately, the recipient becomes unnerved which makes perfect sense. When you’re trying to eliminate someone out of your life, it’s probably because you want to create some sort of distance. An extensive conversation is unwelcomed. And more than likely, it won’t appease me.

I did notice that statement right away, but I didn’t investigate it. I wonder if it’s because deep down inside I knew I didn’t want to know the answer, that I’m not ready to hear the truth. Could it be that I’m finally learning to not indulge in my insecurities? As much as I wish that were true, it seems unrealistic. Whatever the truth may be, only time will tell. No amount of obsessing over a mere seven words will reveal the truth only time can present.

I can be incredibly single-minded. It’s the end of the year. Instead of partying, he works and makes loads of money. He usually calls me after he gets off work, but I’ve practically been living at his place now. And a few times we fell asleep on his incredibly tiny couch, both of us. The next evening he said that he wants to go to sleep but if I want to watch TV that he’ll chill with me. We’ve only spent a couple hours resting on the bed. I imagine work was more brutal than normal, too.

Those reasons make it more than understandable why he may not have called. On the opposite end of the argument, it’s never kept him from calling before. Then again, these reasons don’t have to exist for him to not call. Things happen. It’s a waste of time and energy for me to get this worked up. I tried to ignore my concerns, but it just made it worse. I tend to tell people to address their insecurities, in order to eliminate them. That’s what I’m trying to do here. I want to put it into perspective.

It could’ve been a pre-meditative statement or it could’ve simply meant he genuinely doesn’t know when he’ll be able to see me. He doesn’t want it to take up room at his place. The truth is if it was pre-meditative, then it’s over. The last thing I should be doing is giving attention to something that’s been terminated. If I’m making a big deal out of nothing, that’s even worse because there’s no validity behind my obsession.

Instead of feeling better, I’m actually getting that nervous feeling. That weird, unpleasant sensation below my skin. Last time I felt that way I thought a guy wasn’t interested in being a relationship with me, which was untrue. Obviously that situation is different, but I want to remind myself that things aren’t always what I think they are. Thinking of it gave me a sense of relief.

The message I want to leave myself with is that I can’t change my train of thought over night. It takes time, but I want to change them. So when these negative thought patterns develop, I shouldn’t ignore them because then they’ll never leave. But addressing them shouldn’t become a tactic to engage! It should be to rid myself of them. And sometimes that means accepting that I won’t know no matter how desperate I am to uncover the truth, and no amount of obsessing will change this reality. Also, obsessing won’t bring me closer to the truth. I really should be more productive with my thoughts, time, and efforts.

Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!

Skate Through It

I recently went ice skating, and I'm giddy to report I didn't fall and was able to actually skate! Okay, so being able to ice skate at 27 may not seem particularly impressive, but I've gone ice skating before many, many times and I could hardly stand. I understand the instructions given to me, the proper technique I must execute to skate, but in the past my body has always locked up. I'm not sure why this time it was different.

Maybe it's because I've become more intuitive, can feel that everything has energy and I was able to channel my friend's relaxing vibe, or I've developed a better control of my body and learned to manage my stressors better. After all my body locking up was just a physical reaction to my extreme psychological fears. Without them, I can skate through it. Through my fears, through my thoughts...

Over time I was moving forward more easily but with added tension. Eventually my speed was increasing. Sometimes I had to stop over it. When I sang along to the music that was playing, I was doing much better. Maybe it had to do with the fact that skating required so much of my physical attention that my thoughts began to slip away and somehow it allowed me to deal with some things I've been struggling with. I was able to skate through it.

My thoughts sound the same as what I've told myself before, but this time it feels a little different. It's as if some subconscious epiphany has changed me. Of course, I can't prove it because it's all in my subconscious. That's just my intuition about it. What's in my past and what's behind me is there. I can't make it go away. But it feels nice to move forward, to feel the air around me. And that's what for the first time in a long time I want.

The more enjoyable moving forward is, the more comfortable I'm becoming about leaving my past behind me and even accepting the possibility that my future may not hold who I currently desire. And that's okay. I just have to skate through it.

Sabotage, Go Away!

I’m ashamed of my recent behavior. I spent the past few years improving myself. I allowed some negativity to seep away and welcomed positive acknowledgements of myself. I can say honestly that I believe I’m an attractive woman. Even with a petite figure, I consider myself sexy. I used to view sexiness as a sign of curves, which I believed I lack. I have smaller curves but small is still something and it fits my figure. Once I began recognizing these qualities in myself and embraced them, I began to both notice and attract others who saw it in me as well.

As I’m typing this out, I’m having an epiphany. I’ve made progress on a superficial level. Outer beauty only goes so far. There’s so much more to me than what the eye can see. In the past few years, I did more than see what was already there. I became a better person.

I've become empathetic, receptive, and able to help people. Others gravitate towards me and open up to me about their struggles. I offer them encouragement and support. I’m perceptive and personalize my approach uniquely to each individual. I realize the value of self-growth and change. Already aware of diversity and individuality, I know not to force my hand. I’m a dominant personality and have excellent people skills, so the truth is I can manipulate and coerce people to make rapid progress and improvements. But it isn’t the end result as much as the journey, the discoveries and lessons you learn along the way that truly matter. Keeping these things in mind, I make a positive difference in peoples’ lives.

It also allows me to be intuitively attuned, which is essential for me. It’s as much a benefit for me as it is for my friends. Altruism is also a new facet I’ve developed. Being intuitive has also made me more understanding, patient, and tolerant. Awareness really brings these qualities out of me. Impatience, I’ve discovered, is a result of imbalance. It’s a side effect. We have difficulty accepting that we can’t control everything. Intolerance comes from ignorance, a lack of understanding, limitation in exposure, and inexperience. Intuition allows me to understand things at a deeper level, making me patient and tolerant. The apparent struggles in my friends make me more considerate, thoughtful, and generous. I’m inspired to offer them some sort of comfort.

Please know that I’m not trying to roll out the I’m perfect carpet, but I want to bring some balance into my life. I’m so quick to criticize myself and yet I refrain from acknowledging positive qualities. I’m not being egotistical, conceited, or vain; I’m being open and honest. And this weekend has been a demonstration of how I need to embrace all of my positive qualities.

When you have low self-esteem, you’re more likely to reject love or any kind of affection. I’m now more receptive to the attention and idea of guys being attracted to me, but on an intimate level, I still keep myself at a distance. Any sign (I interpret) as his disinterest and I become unpleasant. I’m consumed with negativity and transparent self-criticism. I don’t verbalize them, not out of consideration for others, but because I can’t bear facing the idea of being rejected for being inadequate. Yet everything has energy. So what I’m not articulating is still being subliminally released.

The more abstract and intangible something is like feelings, the more fragile I become. Instead of being open, receptive, affectionate, comfortable, and genuine, I act in contradiction to what I want to keep me safe. I’m rigid in what I hear and glue myself to negativity, unwilling to release myself from it or face the possibility that people change their minds. There’s a guy I like who’s become more affectionate and I can feel his feelings for me deepening, but I remember him withdrawaling. This is a relationship guy who had me and began pulling away. I’m only left believing that it’s because he’s not interested anymore.

Something he said could’ve been interpreted in two different ways and of course I concluded and closed it off as the negative one. He was less intimate but wanted to spend more time with me. He became more affectionate and more open but then he all of a sudden withdrew. When we talked about it, he said he wanted to see me but didn’t want to hurt me and slow down because we were leading towards a relationship and he didn't want to move too quickly. I revealed to him that I thought he was losing interest in me and he said, “No, quite the opposite.”

One can argue that he’s beginning to like me and is taking things carefully. The opposing argument is that he’s withdrawaling because he doesn’t want to end up in a relationship with me and doesn’t want to hurt me. When I wanted to talk to him and call him, I didn’t. He usually makes the effort, so I thought his distance was a desire of his and I didn’t want to counter that with my presence. He thought that was nuts and said I should’ve called him.

When we were around each other, he was fairly affectionate but not as much as before. I suppose if I reciprocated, we could’ve reached that level again. Of course, I withdrew. People observed us sarcastically as the picture of happiness. I was unhappy and did everything I could to almost retain that feeling. I gave him some oranges and took only what I needed. He told me to leave one for him at my place, so he can eat it. It was a gesture that he was trying to warm me up to, but I ruthlessly rejected that orange. How insane is that?

I was snappy and my attitude infected him. I’m not excusing my behavior, but this is also around the same time a few of my friends were going through a hard time. I think I was channeling some of their emotions. Instead of detaching myself from them as I usually do, I felt too defeated to put in the effort that’s required to do just that. It affected my well-being, and I took it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Now I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to give him reasons to not want to be with me, despite what my self-sabotaging actions may suggest.

If every time we get close, I do something to make even the idea of spending time with me appealing, I’ll be securing a no relationship guarantee. That’s honestly not what I want. And how I’ve been behaving isn’t who I am. Of course, how am I supposed to convince him of that? He only knows what he sees. And once the damage is done, it’s done.

I criticized and obliterated my existing positive qualities. As I was developing new ones, it didn’t occur to me that I’ll once again destroy them harshly because that habit is imbedded in me. I thought I was so hard on myself before because I believed what my parents told me. I thought once I believed in myself that my behavior would change, but unfortunately that isn’t so.

Fortunately, however, I’m aware. No matter what happens with him, he’s already proven himself as a friend for life. Even if I ruin my chances at a romantic endeavor, I’ll always have what matters most - our friendship. I see girls being brutal to my friends and eventually it wears on them and they go their separate ways. My friends look back at those toxic experiences kind-heartedly saying that she’s a good person, but she’s too insecure and it was too much for me. No matter how awful they were to them, my friends always saw the good in them. I’m not nearly as horrible as them (not that it matters because it isn’t a comparison or competition), but I hope no matter what I do, my goodness will always triumph.

This plea is more about self-empowerment than it is about rejection because this is bigger than some guy. This is about my self-esteem. I need to be more secure in myself and know that I’m worth it. I need to be liberated from my emotional imprisonments. Not just for any guy who’s involved with me but for myself.

At 27, I Found Him

At the delayed age of 27, I found the guy I want to be my boyfriend. Took me long enough, right? ! I’ve had a series of “boyfriends” so to speak but none that were really genuine. Actually the word “series” is misleadingly generous.

My eighth grade boyfriend doesn’t really count. He was an external source of confidence, followed me around and said I was always right and pretty. Then I had exactly two boyfriends that lasted less than a month my freshman year of high school. The logic was “we’re friends, maybe something more can happen…” Nope, not really. I didn’t realize then that the chemistry should’ve already been there.

Then I had my first real relationship at the age of 18 and it lasted quite some time, but it never really felt right. It took me a long time to come to grips with that. I didn’t know the difference between close friendship and something more intimate. Moreover, I didn’t want to because then the world as I knew it would’ve fallen apart, but it wasn’t long until reality made me realize that it was all an illusion anyways.

Then I met the first guy who stole my heart. It was the intense kind. As much as I wanted then for him to be my boyfriend (kinda sorta), he never was and even when I did want him, there was a part of me that always resisted. There’s one quote that always reminds me of what we had. “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together.” When we were together, I was willing to hurt myself putting the pieces back. But that didn’t sit well with me. So that internal conflict always made the idea of him being my boyfriend always a little bit sketchy.

The next guy belongs to a category all his own. After all how do you categorize the guy you’ve had premonitions of? I’ve seen our unborn daughter and sensed our son. He’s had his own spiritual encounter with our children, too. It’s hard not to develop feelings for a guy like that. We’ve spent countless hours just talking in his car once a week when we worked together and the only time we saw each other. We also consumed each other’s time via email. I never thought I could fall so deeply for a guy I barely saw, but we had (no have) an undeniable connection.

Still, he’s reserved and doesn’t make much effort to see me. I know he’s busy, but you can’t even respond with a five word text? I want that future with him, but that future isn’t now. And I’m beginning to realize that I want more out of a guy than he’s willing to offer and with every energy that feeds into that, he becomes less and less appealing to me because of who he is or who he isn’t. He’s not the guy I can take out with my friends for a night out because he’s an introvert and a homebody. While there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m not sure that’s what I want anymore. He’d make a wonderful husband, but as a boyfriend? That’s a different story.

Then there’s him. I just spent paragraphs procrastinating to open up my heart about him, and it turned out to be effective because I’m at a loss for words. When I’m unable to express myself, I find inspiration through the words of others. These are our words. “When you fight like a married couple, talk like best friends, flirt like first loves and protect each other like brother and sister, obviously it’s meant to be.”

It breaks my heart to think I went from someone he wanted to take home to France and start a family with to a friend. He still has Freudian slips, making us sound like an old couple and he even admitted that he wouldn’t mind having a child with me. But I can feel the distance grow between us as he drifts further away from me. His affection is diminishing and his efforts seem so apparent, no longer natural or desirable.

He’s someone I enjoy spending my time with no matter what we do. Sitting in the car. Watching a movie. We have great conversations. We both have a passion for food and the outdoors. Hiking trails, swimming, going to parks, and playing chess. And even when we argue, we listen to each other and we’re comfortable enough to be open. We realize our mistakes and are open about that, too. He’s someone I want to build a future with and someone who puts effort into me. I’m more than a desire to be knocked off his to-do list like work on a scrapbook but someone he actually makes a priority. But somewhere along the line I lost him…the first guy I ever wanted as my boyfriend.

Be Exposed

Ironically I just created a facebook note for why I've withdrawn for writing incessant posts about asinine activities just to distract people so they won't ask questions. Writing just to write is pointless. When I write on this blog, it's more than just type written words. But I'm not making it nearly as cathartic as I should be out of fear that certain people will be exposed except they're anonymous! Not to mention the people who know already know and the people who don't don't. Anonymity still exists. It'll also keep me honest cuz I'll keep the relevant people informed. And I really need this. Bottling this up is killing me! It's too much and I can't take it anymore.

There's a guy and I've liked him forever. I don't think I've ever liked a guy for as long as I've liked him. -____- I began having premonitions of us together before I even knew he was interested in me. I wasn't even sure I believed what I was seeing were premonitions or disturbingly elaborate and intricate imaginations. It began as images and feelings. Almost like snapshots. Eventually they became longer. And one night I saw a dizzying three premonitions rapidly one after another.

1. He and I get together, but it doesn't work out cuz I'm not over my ex. I hurt him. Things end badly. We slept together a couple times, and he started to have deep feelings for me. It was self-sabotaging because I need him in the future, and he's not there for me. I believe that relates to the premonitions cuz he really helped me with them. I never told anyone about them, and he just knew I was suffering with them and assured me that I had someone to talk to. His support meant the world to me.

2. I wait until I get over my ex, and I'm too late. He gets together with someone else. We remain good friends, but that's it. I still have feelings for him, though. I don't do anything about it, of course, but still... and I was at a bus station crying. He rushes over to make sure I'm okay. I'm squatting in a corner crying, and he comes over to give me a hug. His intentions were completely platonic and that of a friend, but it made me like him even more. I can't imagine him being that person to me, though. In this premonition, he had his old car which got totaled in an accident. That premonition didn't come to light.

3. I wait until I get over my ex and it happens in a timely manner. Things work out. Initially when I had that awareness, I never knew what "works out" meant and I still don't. But I was defensively quick to state that it doesn't mean getting married, white picket fence good. Now I'm not so sure cuz I've seen premonitions of our unborn daughter and as it turns out, he's had his own intuitive experience about our children. That's the last thing I expected him to reveal to me.

I've liked this guy for years. It's the first time I've ever liked anyone so deeply and for so long that I wasn't with. Since then I've seen way more premonitions of us - picnicking, premonition porno, interactions with his family, moving in together, discussing how we would and could clash, the things I do that'd put him off, brief but significant moments. And then there's Izzy. Our daughter.

It's My Turn!

I'm not saying I'm not selfish or inconsiderate, but I spend so much time caring and showing concern for my friends. I invest so much time and energy supporting and encouraging them to be conducive for their self-growth, even at my own expense. I exhaust myself in the process. I even remove myself from the equation when I think it'll help them in succeeding their goals because I serve as a distraction.

It devastates me to see my friends suffer. But when I suffer, I don't notice it and I'm used to it. I'm now 27 and I'm still single. I come off so adamant, dominant, and confident. I'm expressive, so people don't realize how much I hold back. I vocalize superficial stuff like I want to eat here, I think this, my opinion on this is this.... things that won't burden them if I impose my preferences over theirs. When it comes to revealing a part of myself that terrifies me and can lead to my happiness, I hide in the shadows behind excuses and sometimes even twisting other peoples' words so I can stay hidden and unexposed. Sometimes to be happy, though, I have to express myself.

John Mayer's Say

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all your so called problems...

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say

It's better to say too much

Than never say what you need to say

I'm finally beginning to understand that. Hesitating cuz someone might not want to hear it or might not be receptive, a possibility I can neither confirm or deny only keeps me behind. It's time I step up. I believe that the energy we give off is the energy we attract. The clearer we are to the universe, the more likely it is to reciprocate and assist us in our goals and desires. I need to start articulating especially the things I fear the most. Yes, it's possible I could say the wrong thing and ruin everything. But mistakes offer the most valuable lessons. I'm tired of learning, but clearly I still have a lot to learn.

And what if I don't make a mistake? There's always that possibility. I can't predict outcomes, so basing my decisions on potential sabotage consequence isn't worth it. I always hesitate out of fear I'll mess something up and I haven't gotten very close to what I want. So obviously I need to take a new approach.

Time and All Things are Relative

Isn't it incredible how a seemingly ordinary, single thought has the ability to redefine and change our perception radically? It may even be a common thought, a fact that's been known to us for some time and yet with every changing moment, our perspective alters and it can turn a mere fact into a profound discovery. I wonder how that happens. There was nothing extraordinary about today that turned this reality into an epiphany I just can't shake.

It's July, and that means October is three months away. Actually it's going to be August shortly, so October will be approaching us even sooner. This has always been the case, but that struck me really hard today. My lease expires in October. I feared that I wouldn't be able to survive my lease without a job and was terrified about being evicted. Now I'm nearing the end of my lease, and my apartment hasn't even come together.

Each day passes with an undefined, uncertainty for me. It goes by deceptively slow, making me feel like I have far more time than I actually do as I find myself lost in relative time. This isn't the first time I've written about epiphanies, but there's something startling and unsettling about this one. I'm terrified that I won't be able to catch up with time, that things will never change. It's no longer about discovering something new but the possibility of no new discoveries. There's this presence of anxiousness, anticipation, nervousness, and most frighteningly imperativeness like I have to get something done. I need to create, I need change, I need to define myself, invention!

I met a guy that I really like. He's the first guy I've ever met that I felt I can see myself spending my life with. Note how my intuition or subconscious used the words "spend my life with", not "spend the rest of my life with." That distinction keeps ringing in my mind, as though it matters. I really don't want to burden myself with excess worry I can't do anything about, but it's a constant echo in my voice.

I told him I'm not ready to be in a relationship because I don't even have a job. I'm 27. Eventually my body's ability to reproduce will just die. I didn't realize until last year that I wanted children, so my mind is going bonkers. I didn't feel behind because I thought my priorities were different. I hate that I haven't even focused and developed myself yet, and a guy is what's shocking my senses in check. So much for being independent! Pfft!

I have no idea what I want in life. There are a lot of things I want to do, but none really inspire me to put the energy and effort into it. At this point, I know I just need a job so I can at least decorate my place and enjoy it before I have to leave. But my actions will be to serve a purpose outside of myself. I mean yes it's for me, but they're superficial reasons. My fear is that I'll perpetuate the very thing I've successfully escaped by being unemployed, not getting trapped in existence. I'm tired of working just to wake up and do it. I want to live, I want to have experiences. I know my habits and my actions that I've carried with me my entire life isn't conducive to my self-growth. Okay then, where do I go from here then? Please universe tell me.

A Breath of Fresh Air

I'm going to try and remember how I felt at that moment cuz I find it important.

I'm by the beach today. The cool breeze surrounds me and fresh air fills my lungs. The clear blue sky and the mellow yellow sun is having a relaxing effect on me. I feel this presence around me. It's the opposite feeling of the calm before the storm. What's that called? I've never had it before. It's this quiet contentment. It's like something amazing is waiting to happen as time and energy shifts to make room for something greater to evolve within existing confines. I get a text and it can mean one of two things. Before my panic creeps in, I see a sign that reassures me that it's the good message. And what an incredible sign that is. Of all the things to come across!

Pomegranate Corn 9

I realized something since I last blogged (yesterday). I shouldn't wait until I return to a previous state of mind which may or may not present itself before I express what I want to express. (Double express? I gotta expand my vocabulary and also stop being so critical of myself! Such a distraction that is!) Back on point: Feelings change; they're fluid, they grow, they alter, they dissipate. It flows. So what we once felt at a given moment in time may never mold back that way. That's what makes feelings so powerful and meaningful. There's a bittersweet element to its volatility and interchangeable nature. If feelings stayed the same, we would eventually desensitize from them and it'll lose its rawness, its potency. So instead of wishing for past feelings to manifest, I should just be grateful to have had them, appreciate them, and when I feel it's appropriate as I do now, freeze the moment in time through whatever channel I choose. And since I chose to blog about this, I choose writing, blogging.

As open as I've learned to become about my day to day experiences, the interactions I have with people, and my personal feelings and epiphanies, I still choose to not disclose much about my love life because I believe it's an intimate experience between two people. That unique bond that can only be experienced by those two people and no one else. But I want to guard against following a specific set of rules just because they've been established as "rules." This is something I want to share.

There's someone I'm involved with right now, and I really like him. But we're both pretty busy and we can't offer each other as much time as we'd like. It's unfortunate but we both understand that we have our own things to deal with that take priority. It's actually kind of refreshing to be with someone who's at the same place as me so understands. In some ways it makes our time together even more special. So what more can I ask for? Neither of us want to over extend ourselves beyond our capacity, and that's a healthy perspective.

But it has left me wondering sometimes how and when we'll develop into something more than what we are. We're definitely moving along and the changes I've sensed long ago seem to be building. And I've learned to not focus my time and energy wondering because it won't expedite or change where we are now or where we're going in any positive way. My focus should be on more relevant and productive matters that require my attention.

Feelings just happen. And what I've realized is that when I'm focused on other things, I still think of him and want him close to me the way I know he feels about me. That doesn't change. A while back I had a dream that involved him. We were at a local organic shop except the store was different. If you keep walking through the store, it eventually led to a backyard, my parent's backyard, in fact. But in the dream it was an extension of the store. Customers harvested plants directly from the garden to purchase. It was such a neat concept, actually.

I was grabbing some "sugar cane" for him because he needed the ingredient for an upcoming job except it wasn't really sugar cane. That's what I thought it to be in the dream, but it wasn't at all what a sugar cane actually is. It looked like corn but doesn't grow the way I know corn to grow. There was a thick stalk and corn was growing out of them which might sound a lot like the way corn actually grows but it was different. Just trust me.

Instead of the kernels being white, yellow, or even blue, it was red. And when it was ripe and ready to be harvested, it stained the husk a red tint, too. It was swollen, squishy, and soft to the touch. I shared this dream with him and he described the plant as "pomegranate corn." What a beautiful description. I can't think of a better way to describe it.

It was difficult to determine what that dream meant because I wasn't quite sure what to search under, but what I did uncover were all positive because you figure there's harvesting involved which symbolizes prosperity. :) So that dream is known as Pomegranate Corn. If I were asked if I can create any food, it'd be pomegranate corn.

It was hard to believe at the time how those feelings can relate to both of us from that dream because not enough has happened yet between us. But if there's one thing I've learned about us, my intuition is far more advanced in feeling what's yet to occur. If I can so easily distrust myself, I should find more balance by giving myself the benefit of the doubt and trust that there's reason for hope. Even though I'm changing, it's not exactly in my nature to trust. So when it happens, I'd like to be believe it's a deserved reaction. So far it's proven to be true overall.

Pomegranate Corn 9 is another dream that involves him. There was no pomegranate corn, but I find the title fitting. I saw him at a farmer's market and his boss informs me that I paid twice last week for a drink. I told her that I didn't think I did. An employee of hers shared my same position, but she was adamant I did. She said "I think you did" and was civil but very adamant and firm in a screaming yes you did sort of way. Okay....

So then she puts $7 down in front of me and I get a beverage that is, in fact, $8 but I put down an extra $2 to fulfill the complete payment. Then the guy I'm involved with appears to the left of me. It's at this point that I no longer see his boss but his co-worker is still within my vision. He unnecessarily wraps his arms around me to point towards the oranges to say look there's oranges, and I reciprocate this hilarious and ridiculous gesture while acknowledging the oranges. Then he begins to kiss me. That's when I wake up a quietly good mood with a smile on my face. It was very nice.

Money symbolizes qualities characteristic to the first Pomegranate Corn dream, success and prosperity but it can also relate to belief in yourself, matters of the heart, sexuality and power. To give or spend money in your dream is analogous to giving love, looking for love. When money is being given away, it suggests you're feeling ignored, overlooked or neglected, that someone isn't paying enough attention or showing you enough affectionate. Truthfully speaking, I wish we spent more time with each other. I won't lie. But it's the sense of feeling I got that holds its power. And how it ended with a kiss.

Recently our schedules conflicted, so we went longer than we would've liked to without seeing each other. We were both tired, overwhelmed, distracted, and our communication started to become merely informative, a confirmation that unfortunately we couldn't see each other that day or something along those lines. When we did see each other, it was short but sweet. It was without a doubt one of our best hang outs and we both felt it. It was undeniable. I feel like that dream mirrored our experience. Eventually we did see each other and it was great. I do want more affection and he kissed me. :)

Then there are numbers that have significance in the dream. $7 and $2 equaling $9. When it comes to numbers in dreams, it should be deduced to a single digit. So if you dream of a specific year, for example, you're supposed to break down those numbers and keep adding until it's reduced to a single digit. What I found incredible is that while each number involved has some sort of significance that speaks to me, when you add them all together until you get a single digit, you end up with the number 9 again! And at the end, $9 was the total amount. It's after $9 was accumulated that I got my kiss, as though that had to happen before we could kiss.

Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music, and attainment of high spirituality. Or it could relate to the seven deadly sins, seven days of the week, seven chakras, or uniqueness and eccentricity. It's up to me to decipher which ones relate to me based on my intuition. I believe it relates to high spirituality. I'm a spiritual person and I feel like I've become a lot more connected to the universe lately and this dream is just sharing with me the progress that's occurring. And this symbolic number was given to me.

Two stands for balance, diversity; partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength and even duality and opposites - male and female, mother and father, light and dark, heaven and hell, yin and yang..... Balance, partnership, soul, receptivity, and even double strength speak to me and not because those are positive and it's nice for those qualities to be present in my life. I really feel connected to those specific meanings especially receptivity. It's after $2 that he began kissing me.

Nine, the most powerful number of all, denotes completion, closure, rebirth, inspiration, and reformation. YOU ARE ON A PRODUCTIVE PATH, SEEKING TO IMPROVE THE WORLD. Number nine symbolizes longevity. At least I feel it's the most powerful number of them all. Rebirth. I sense that. I'm defining and reinventing myself into a better person. I've been on this path determining what kind of career I want to lead.

I want to get into an altruistic field but beyond that my mind has gone blank. I feel like before I can be productive in my thoughts, ideas have to build first. That's what I'm exploring right now and these dreams are reassuring me that I'm on the right path. I sensed a hint of that but it was hard imagining it with the first dream because I'm unemployed. How can there be prosperity? Now I'm starting to feel it.

I'm still in the development process and can't even write about it. But I started meeting a lot of great people and I've been partying a lot which doesn't seem productive except it's through these parties that I've meant people who could be conducive to my growth in establishing the right path for me. That's amazing.

This dream also gave me a sense of peace with something I wasn't completely comfortable with. This dream is about me and the changes I'm going through which does albeit involve this guy, but why can't I undergo this process without his presence? When I stopped getting premonitions of him or I'm not channeling him, it's an indicator that I'm emotionally detached. There's a blockage that needs to be removed. And that's important to be aware of but why does such an important element in my life have to involve a guy? Can't I transcend beyond a guy I like? Why can't I be independent of him? These are all minor thoughts that have crossed my mind.

It was in this dream that his presence and my life's purpose co-existed peacefully. His presence added dimension and a pleasure I welcome. It's not that I can't be independent of him. It's that he's important. And what's wrong with that? It's kind of cool that he's there and even neater that my subconscious which has the ability to see into the future is seeing prosperity in my path.

Hence Pomegranate Corn 9.

Oh yeah and the kissing....To dream of a kiss denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and content which is what I woke up feeling.

A Lonely Thanksgiving? Or an Independent and New Tradition?

Thanksgiving always reminds me of my past and relationships. I was with a guy for over five years and Thanksgiving was a huge deal for us because it was the first Holiday we could afford. I was never very close with my family and being Asian, Thanksgiving was never a celebrated Holiday so I was really excited when I made Asian friends who were excited about celebrating it because they've either never had turkey or never get to enjoy it. It was a lot of fun for me. But ever since that relationship has ended, a myriad of reasons have prevented me from celebrating it the way I used to.

Even after we broke up, two years later, we still celebrated together with our friends. He doesn't want to have to do with me anymore ever since he realized that he was still in love with me and it was difficult to have a relationship with someone he really liked. Or so that's what a mutual friend revealed. I can't really be sure. I'm definitely over my ex, but he was a really good friend and because he was a part of my life even after the break-up, I get sad that we're not friends anymore.

And I realized today that I haven't spent Thanksgiving alone since then. I spent it with the guy I was dating last year and his family. This year I really wanted to visit my family. It's not the family I was born into but the people I consider my family. I was devastated when I realized I was working Friday and unable to make it.

So now two days before Thanksgiving and I have no plans. It's sad but I guess this is what I wanted. I wanted to move out and discover what it was like to be with just me. What better way to get intimate with myself than to spend the one Holiday that's filled with social festivities for me? It'll really reveal who I am to myself. I'm just going to have to get used to being by myself.

I Want to Create Colorful Memories :)

I know I've been neglectful blogging, but I've been busy procrastinating unpacking, recovering from an injury, then a cold, becoming re-acquainted with my OCD....you know that kind of stuff. But I'm doing great. There are finally no more boxes at my place, just small amounts of clutter that have to be designated and organized. If only that would be the end, though...I have like six more boxes stored in my friends garage I have to rummage through. And I have two small chests and an air mattress. And a whole bunch of pretty purple decoratives but no real furniture! So alas I'll have to bed a new bed platform and a mattress because as grateful as I am that my friend gave me his air mattress, it deflates every couple of days!



I've been feeling uncertain about something that deep down I was too afraid to admit I knew the answer to and I finally got the clarity I needed. I wish so many barriers didn't exist in virtually every aspect of my life, but I'm just glad things are going well. I feel like I have to work on my template to enjoy my new life, which is a struggle but definitely the right direction! I guess it all depends on perspective. Part of me felt discouraged because of the unexpected road blocks but that's life. And I'm beginning to realize that it isn't the flashing neon obstructions that matter but the subtleties in life many of us forget to embrace. I want to create colorful memories!

Colorful memories is meaningful to me at the moment, but I want to create overall colorful memories, too! I want to decorate my walls. I want to explore my creativity, an unpracticed habit. I want to make my own space, create my little oasis, and find harmony in my world, something I've never had before and it's something I feel could honestly happen. But in order for that to happen I have to get to work on time. If I screw up even once before April of next year, I lose my job! Why am I always walking on a jump rope?

*Didn't have time to edit this so if it's all garbled up, that's why!

I'm Happy :) Day 284

I really want to take the time to remember and record this feeling because this blog is supposed to be a reflection of my emotional state of being. Some of my most powerful entries are channeled through my pain and struggles, but my happiness is sparse at best. It's difficult for me to express it, but it's important for me to have balance and learn to fluently express all of my emotions. I feel bad to take advantage of my happiness and use it as a tool. Yet I don't hesitate to splash my pain and turn it into art.

I don't want to elaborate too much partially due to my insecurities and doubts but also to the person involved. I try my best to keep everyone private, but not everyone can successful stay anonymous. As much as this entry is for me, it's exposed to the eyes of others. I can't forget that and it's something I never really let myself forget, but one thing I constantly struggle to remember is that this blog is for me and when I'm happy, it's for me to share and enjoy. It's interesting how I feel the need to express myself when I'm in a mood like this. Why can't I just enjoy it without choking on words?

Something happened that's been leading up to this for a year now, although it didn't always seem like it. Life was adamant to show me that you can't fight your feelings and some things aren't better left untouched. I've been getting so many premonitions about what it would be like if we got together and it made my head spin. Now that something's started, the visions have subsided. It's almost as if the universe was trying to lead me down this path and now that I finally began it, it's letting us call the shots. All I know now is that I'm happy.

The Energy and Bond of Two People, Day 204

This is a concept my mind has both lingered and marinated over. Some defining experiences has left me feeling drawn to the energy I have with one person and some others have left me....is broken too strong of a word? Perhaps but that's the one that comes to mind. My problem with this is that I never give it the attention it deserves. Neither of us do, and I'm not really sure why.

I'm not just left fascinated, curious, and intrigued by the energy and bond I have with someone but also the ones my friends have been facing very recently. A really good and close friend of mine has been encouraging me to pursue the feelings I have for this guy since it's lingered for about a year now. He says, "It's not over until it's over." It's frightening how much truth there is in that clique statement because I think we've both at one point thought we stopped liking each other only to realize how far from the truth that is when we reconnect. I guess out of sight out mind works to a degree.

We say a lot to each other. We express a lot to each other but never about what we really feel...about each other. That seems to be the death between two souls once connected. What's left unspoken...Not the words spoken but the ones unspoken. How long until I learn from my mistakes and the mistakes I see my friends make before I make a leap? Will I ever? Or am I just doomed to repeat the cycle?

How I feel about a person can be exposed, open, and expressed even without words. You can feel it in the presence of my energy. Even on email where the screen is white and black standardized type written words take the form of my voice. But just as easily I can conceal it, safely hidden from any danger, vulnerabilities, or risks. I tuck it right underneath the platonic chemistry, the foundation we built our relationship from. And if I really wanted to, I can call upon my "work personality" to project a one-dimensional, procedural character limited in its expression of anything based on something real or meaningful. My ability to keep my true feelings behind the transparent curtains has evolved to a degree that I can help to change his life without feelings its intensity.

How is it that we can be so open and be so censored at the same time through any form of expression we exchange? Text, email, the occasional conversation I'm privileged to have with you. *This is the first blog I've written in a long time where I've felt connected to it and therefore proud of its development because I feel like I'm giving a part of myself away. It's entries like these that I began blogging. It's nice to be reminded of that feeling. But as I was typing, my laptop shut down on me. That's what's been going on with me. I neglect my feelings (blogging) until I finally take the time to face them, acknowledge them, accept them, but as I begin to embrace them, I find myself shutting down and malfunctioning like my laptop just did. I know it's just technology failing me, but I find those two occurrences symbolic.

I don't know what to make of these feelings. Sometimes I find them to be a burden. How would you describe deep feelings you have for someone you haven't even hung out with that premonitions blasted into you over a guy you haven't even hung out with? Now that isn't to say that we don't have a connection or that we don't communicate, but it's undeniable that my feelings for him are out of proportion to this reality. Sometimes I'm fascinated by who he is, the actions that define him, what he does for me, how he helps me, how his presence makes such a difference in the lives of those who have been blessed to meet him, my feelings for him, how we are together, what we do for each other. But sadly most of the time our lives are separate, as though we exist in different realities only briefly encountering each other when we enter each other's orbit but only for a moment. Then as quickly as it came, it all just disappears but the feelings linger.

I wonder if he ever feels the same about me. Probably not. Then again how do I really know how he feels? I've been inside his head. I've had premonitions of him. It allowed me to feel what he feels, see things the way he sees things, and yet I'm at a loss when it comes to his most basic of feelings. It just goes to show you that you never really know a person.

It felt like he didn't mind my presence one day one way or another. But when it was just the two of us, the chemistry became powerful and romantically alluring. It never goes beyond that, though. And why not? I can try and protect myself from any basis of reality by trying to convince myself that he's never told me that he's liked me, that he's never found the time for me, but the truth is that he does like me. I just wonder why it's not enough to make it something more than just an intangible attraction. I'm afraid to uncover those answers. That's the real reason why I've been holding back. I'm not ready to be officially rejected with answers I can't deny because for now the dangling offers me a sense of hope.

The universe has greater plans for me, though. Is that why I've attracted so many people in my life lately that are struggling with the energy and bond of two people? They're realizing how powerful and fragile that connection truly is. My heart bleeds for them. I hope I've given them some sense of comfort through what I know is treachery. And yet I want them to suffer because that means they're dealing with the pain instead of masquerading it. Ignoring them or trying to replace it will only delay, distort, and damage a person. So I hope they go through Hell and feel every bit of what it means to be human.

It's when I help others and listen to the advice I give them that I realize how essential it is for me to follow the same sage advice that I've refused to even acknowledge existed. I'm not saying it's my fault that other people are going through crappy relationship phases. But it seems meant to be in a way that right now I know people who are because I focus on it, which in turn makes me deal with my own problems. Altruism. I don't know if I really end up helping my friends, but they say I do and they keep coming to me for insights, so I imagine I offer them something valuable. I hope I can do the same for myself.

The Fragility of Relationships, Day 153

I've been analyzing, examining, experiencing, obsessing, observing, and reflecting on the fragility of relationships a lot recently, but mostly I've been learning, reflecting, re-experiencing, and opening my eyes a bit more through and from my mistakes. We've all heard that saying that time heals all wounds. It's a beautiful concept, but sometimes it's nothing more than a beautiful lie. And in some ways there's beauty in that, in the pain that you endure. Sometimes it's all you have. Sometimes it's all you see.

Relationships are such a complex and fragile thing. Even the relationships that have endured a lot are just as breakable because every relationship has its weak points. If you know where to strike the blow that hits the hardest, it cracks. And all it takes is one blow for everything you've invested your time, effort, heart, and soul into to shatter in an instant. Even if you manage to repair that, the cracks will still be there. The pain and the experience can't be washed away. The scars become a part of you.

I believe that when a person realizes the true vulnerability that exists in relationships that that's when it strengthens because the weaknesses become appreciated and acknowledged. So many of us don't realize how easily we can hurt someone. We're shocked by the sensitivity of others, yet become easily heartbroken just the same when it happens to us. The best protective measure any of us can take is to realize that there is true danger even in the seemingly smallest of acts and that those "small things" can be irreversibly damaging.