Thursday, July 30, 2009

Moving Season, Day 4

It seems like everyone's moving this month, and my friend noticed a correlation that when I move, everyone else in his life moves. He said the key to him finding peace is if for me to stay put in one place. I do feel like I move so much, and I don't stay still for very long. I've hit a point in my life where I no longer enjoy the learning experiences I gain from constantly moving. I used to perceive getting comfortable in one place as being stagnant. While I believe that can become a possibility, I'm beginning to learn that constantly moving around doesn't allow me to grow. When you plant something and expect it to grow, you have to put it in the ground, into the earth. That's something I've never allowed myself to do. How can I expect to grow if I don't do what's required?

Moving is considered the most stressful time for a person, equivalent to experiencing the loss of a loved one. Yet I used to love moving. I liked last minute packing and the rush of making sure that everything's transported, but everything was always intentionally last minute. It's like I was addicted to stress. It's all I knew. At least by voluntarily moving I controlled the outcome. Since I've learned to not stress so much, I've slowed down a bit. I can feel how much it weighs on me and sense how much it weighs on others. I'm ready to be immersed into the ground so that I can be transformed. Being still and connected to the world I want so much to be a part of will give me a chance to see where the air is moving. In Wiccan and other practices, the direction the air is blowing is significant and meaningful. I barely even notice my own breath. With that said, I also know the value in doing things that are right for me. I fear that another move will shortly arise, and the best choice for me is to pursue it. As much as I want to dig myself into the earth, I know the difference between indulging in stress and the value of learning experiences.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

An Escapist's Drug, Day 3

Sometimes I’m not only inspired to write, but I’m dangerously consumed by it. It becomes an addiction that I can’t pull away from. Rather than it having a grounding effect, it becomes an escapist’s drug for me. Writing comes a lot more easily for me than others. I almost rarely have writer’s block. But when I do, I’m completely lost. I mean truly lost, not the way non-writers panic as they see the clock ticking down as their deadline approaches. I relate and identify as a writer. It encompasses who I am. When I lose that side of me, I lose myself. I’m terrified. I want to do this as a way to reveal the depths of my heart and soul. Part of discovering who you are is entering the dark corners of your soul that makes your blood run cold. So as much as I enjoy how natural it is for me to do what I love so much, in a twisted way I look forward to the darkness, the abyss of my soul…When I get there, what element will I find? Fire that burns away at my ambitions, dreams, and confidence, water that flushes away everything I find comfort in until all that’s left is the remains of what was once mine, something deeper and older than my soul like the earth full of secrets that’ll reveal to me what’s truly worth fearing, or provide me with air so toxic that it can kill me? There’s something painstakingly enlivening about near death experiences and trauma that makes us live a little more. Or will I be pleasantly surprised and discover that my greatest fear is actually the most liberating of all? Will the fire will burn away my fears, the water drown what’s always held me back, the earth reveal something extraordinary, and the air giving me breath that truly allows me to breathe? Who knows? Only time will tell.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Understanding Myself: A Splashy, Watery Pisces, Day 2

It’s only day 2, and I’ve already concerned myself the night before with feelings of being unable to commit to such a blog. I was never able to do it before, and I’m a writer at heart. But after seeing someone else do it, I became inspired. The thing about inspiration is it’s a passive feeling. It’s an entirely different experience to live it. I’m overwhelmed with unnecessary thoughts, a habit I remember always having. Being such an extrovert, I focus so much on external forces. That’s what I’m even doing now. I used to be so self-involved, but it was impossible for things to not be about me. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but it’s true. For the first time when the focus doesn’t have to be on me, I’m lost. I lose myself unless I guide others.

That’s one of the reasons why I suppose I started this blog, to focus on me. Where do I begin? Lately I’ve been like water, crashing waves of water that slams uncontrollably. It’s been the most frightening, confining, helpless, freeing, and intoxicating experience ever. There’s something about losing control that makes you feel so helpless and confined, a prisoner of your own feelings until you normalize. But what a rush it can be! I feel like I’m too busy spinning to take in anything I feel and learn from it until I’m completely still. But by then I just want to steady myself before I inevitably re-start the journey all over again. It’s a natural desire but so long as I continue down this path, I’ll never gain the lessons I know I’m supposed to have. If I ever want to incorporate the other valuable elements like air, earth, and wind, I have to first understand the water element. So here’s to the emotional water journey that is the pisces.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Through Pain Comes Growth, Day 1

Through pain comes growth. That's how this blog was born. I'm going to turn poison into medicine. I can't suck the poison from my life, so all that's left for me to do is transform it into something else. With writing as my vessel, I'll take my pains, suffering, self-doubts, and insecurities to a whole new plane. I'm a writer at heart. If there's one thing I'm certain about, it's that.

I write all the time. It's as vital to me as breathing. Yet I've never truly written every single day. If someone who isn't a writer can take the time and make a commitment, I should be more than willing to dedicate my time towards something I truly enjoy. I don't want to put restrictions on myself, but my goal is to not write too extensively. That, in it of itself, will be a challenge. I don't want to be overwhelmed by this task. I just want to re-introduce structure back into my life. I want to take the time to do what I love.

I was inspired by a woman I don't know very well but respect. She re-defined her blog and created a 365 A Day Project where she blogs daily about the relationship between her life and her garden. Each day she hopes to understand the relationship between her own relationships and mother nature, the powerful circle of life. "Change is good for the soul, just so hard to accomplish."

Her entries reveal hidden pain and depth I never knew existed and strength in her ability to expose the vulnerability many of us try so desperately to conceal. It's an experience to see yourself in others especially those who you aren't very close with. It makes you look within yourself. After passively relating to her blog, I became inspired to create my own. I love her vision and how it interconnects and evolves as time passes. I want something like that for myself, but gardening doesn't speak to me.

I ultimately decided to go with Earth-Air-Fire-Water because they're individually strong elements that are interconnected to a greater vessel than themselves. Each element is destructive and powerful with equal abandon. Uncontrolled it becomes self-sabotaging but channeled properly, it flourishes. The imbalances can only be rectified as a unity. I'm not as familiar and bonded with Eastern philosophy as I would like, but that's something that speaks to me. I'm a strong individual, but my capacity to be powerful is equaled by my ability to be destructive. Only with the support of others am I able to find the inner balance I seek. My element changes from day to day, mood to mood. I may not incorporate these elements into every entry I make, but it's something I want to be conscientious of.