Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Understanding Myself: A Splashy, Watery Pisces, Day 2

It’s only day 2, and I’ve already concerned myself the night before with feelings of being unable to commit to such a blog. I was never able to do it before, and I’m a writer at heart. But after seeing someone else do it, I became inspired. The thing about inspiration is it’s a passive feeling. It’s an entirely different experience to live it. I’m overwhelmed with unnecessary thoughts, a habit I remember always having. Being such an extrovert, I focus so much on external forces. That’s what I’m even doing now. I used to be so self-involved, but it was impossible for things to not be about me. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but it’s true. For the first time when the focus doesn’t have to be on me, I’m lost. I lose myself unless I guide others.

That’s one of the reasons why I suppose I started this blog, to focus on me. Where do I begin? Lately I’ve been like water, crashing waves of water that slams uncontrollably. It’s been the most frightening, confining, helpless, freeing, and intoxicating experience ever. There’s something about losing control that makes you feel so helpless and confined, a prisoner of your own feelings until you normalize. But what a rush it can be! I feel like I’m too busy spinning to take in anything I feel and learn from it until I’m completely still. But by then I just want to steady myself before I inevitably re-start the journey all over again. It’s a natural desire but so long as I continue down this path, I’ll never gain the lessons I know I’m supposed to have. If I ever want to incorporate the other valuable elements like air, earth, and wind, I have to first understand the water element. So here’s to the emotional water journey that is the pisces.

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