Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
So after two days of being broken up, my ex comes to my apartment and expresses that he feels he might have overreacted and that he's willing to babysit my TV and DVD player because there's not that much space in my apartment. Gee, thanks. What a male reaction, right? When he saw how unamused I was he snapped and said, "Fine, you don't want my help? Whatever! I don't give a damn! I don't even care." Then two seconds later he asks if I'm okay and need any help moving stuff around :) He cares.
My apartment complex is like high school. Everyone knows everyone's business. There's the OG partiers and then there's him and me. The youngsters see us as the party king and queen. Yeah right! We do tend to have people over. Anyways, some friends from the other units have asked about what's been going on. I got this whole speech that bordered on the balance of the universe (apartment social interaction) has to be restored. Things were more comfortable, social, and happier before things fell apart.
It's true, but I can't be with someone who distrusts me so much. I show consideration and thoughtfulness towards my friends. I overcompensate for my selfishness which I don't try to do, but there's a lot I don't understand. So I analyze and all I can do is draw on my own experiences. It becomes centered around me. I'm sure it's a challenge and a constant annoyance my friends tolerate. I show my gratitude by doing little things. It's not flirty; I won't change my ways. I can't be with someone who distrusts me and sees the worst in me when I'm actually doing something nice. What a set up that is!
As it turns out, though, that's not quite how it is. He never really distrusted me. He's had insecurities which I've had, too, in all honesty. It's like reflex for me. I've been crying a lot lately. Work, school, finances, and other aspects of my personal life has been miserable. It's made me a crazy emotional girl! He didn't think I was cheating on him but worried that a person in my situation would be tempted to cheat because he thought I was unhappy in the relationship. That makes sense considering how many tears I've shed, but that actually had nothing to do with him.
Some distance had made him realize that I bounce back up really quickly from the tears, so it couldn't be as bad as he once thought it was. He had doubts when I said everything's fine because my eyes are watering. That's understandable. We haven't known each other for that long, so he doesn't know I mean it when I say stuff like that. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me, but it's an understandable skepticism. Girls bullshit all the time about those things.
My perception of everything was drastically different, too. I heard that he was happy from someone who's perception is a little shallower. I also heard him hanging out with the guys until really late, so I assumed that he was having a blast. Our friends were telling me otherwise. Sometimes it's good to get the insights of a man. Getting a PS3 was a way for him to not deal with what happened.
He admitted that he's been broken up about what happened and hasn't slept well. I thought it was just me. I assumed he didn't sleep well because he was up all night. It never occurred to me that he was up all night hanging out with the guys because he couldn't sleep. My tendency to always think that a person would rather be away from me came out as I suspected that he kicked me out of his place when he said that I can go back to hanging out with the guys and he has to shower. The guys asked if I ever had to leave when he showered before. No, he was just being considerate.
I got further confirmation about this from him. We've decided to take things slowly. We had some epiphanies about where we went wrong. We also spend a lot of time with other people because people just gravitate towards us. It's hard for us to really get to know each other and pick up on ques when we're distracted. We aren't exactly together right now, but we're developing our friendship so that down the line we can change that. It's exclusive. We're not seeing anyone else. We're going to have "date nights or days" where we dedicate time that's just us, so we can be around each other.
I'm really looking forward to this. It feels like everyone's uncomfortable with the breakup. It not only affected the two people involved but everyone surrounding us. How insane is that? Just not hearing us laugh, bicker, cook, and socialize was enough for facebook intervention. Neither of us can return to the relationship we had, but I don't think we'll revert to the way things were. We just misinterpreted a lot of things and reacted falsely. A different approach, we're hoping, will change the outcome. Only time will tell. We're all optimistic about it.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Anyways I just broke up with my boyfriend because of a trust issue. We weren't together for that long and I suppose trust is earned, but I was so hurt that he didn't trust me for as long as he has and kept it from me for so long. I'm not the kind of person he accused me to be, and I don't want to be with someone who thinks that about me. And even though his suspicions about me are completely off the chains crazy, I don't want him to be with someone he distrusts, either. He deserves to be with someone he feels comfortable with. It was an irrational decision on my part. I made a swift decision. I didn't take the time to consider how we had just met and trust is earned as he emphasized twice. While I don't want either of us to be in that situation, no one said that can't change.
I miss him. I handled things so poorly throughout our brief relationship because in a twisted way I did want to break things off. I'm scared. I regret that decision.
Confusion or illusion. Corruption’s my talent, what’s yours?
Sometimes I don’t know whether to hate you or kiss you.
It’s naïve to think that orchids will last a lifetime.
Nutcracker – Concert – Las Vegas – Picnic – Driving up to the Mountains – Hiking – Vacay – Hotel – Moving in together – Two-Month Texas Home – Sexy Biker – Auto Show – Clubbing – Making a Star Tree Topper – Stealing a Star Ornament – Valentine Parade – Container Gardening – Kinks and Fun – Glen Ivy Hot Springs – Marathon - Indoor Cycling - Frisbee Golf - Snowboarding - A Purple Christmas - Brownies! - Camping - Poetry Recital -
Kiss Me or Die!
It’s naïve to believe that orchids can last a lifetime
It’s stupid to think that you can find nourishment and protection from a cactus
Daffodils and cactuses can never be
All things I love
Why It’s Good We Broke Up List
Why It’s Good We Broke Up List
Sad one moment. Clear as day certain that it's the right thing. Miss him a little. Remember what an idiot he is. Even his friends have told me that I'm really sharp. He's not stupid, but he's not bright. Are you sure you can happy with him? Or I've gotten. You're a smart girl. Ask yourself if you really want to be with someone like him. And just jumping around in thought like that. It's exhausting. And the answer's yes. He's not high functional intelligence to the extreme like me as in rapid fast speed thinking, but he's keen and perceptive. We connected.
I Heart Jaymie
I Stayed Away for a Reason
The best first date ever. The happiest break up…for him. Saddest moment for me followed by tears jumping out of my eyes, the salt burning my skin only to be washed away by the feeling of breathlessness and pain in my throat. The blood collects and I want to do is collapse as I silently suffer, trying to rack my mind about all the awful things about him so I’ll stop missing him. But all I see is his smile. Desperately trying to push away the desire to be held by him, to be in his arms.