Thursday, December 24, 2009

An Unusual Thursday, Day 140

My life may not be going so great. I'm not where I want to be. I live somewhere I hate. I'm behind in school. I feel like I'll be at community college until I graduate. I'm ashamed of the choices I've made. I'm in a financially detrimental state. I feel so socially awkward and emotionally inept in ways I never knew possible.

The Holiday is usually a time of celebration and selfless acts. I think it's great to have a national Holiday that dedicates time in our lives to show kindness because unfortunately it's more of a rarity than most of us would like to admit. However, I feel like my time belongs to others. I'm not rich enough to exert much power. I'm not powerful enough to have much authority. I always have someone to answer to, someone to accommodate. Things beyond my control come up. Unexpected matters arise and require my immediate attention. But during the Holidays people offer leniency that I'm not usually offered.

So for me Holiday is me time. I'm not that close with my family. I get to enjoy time off from work and school. A lot of my friends and a huge chunk of my drama is distributed elsewhere. I get to focus on me because my time isn't otherwise tied down somewhere else. It may sound selfish, but it's true. I do what I want to do during the Holidays. It just coincidentally meets what my friends want to do, a huge Holiday celebration, a heaping feast of food, and presents piling all over the place.

This year, though, I can't do any of that stuff. It's not that I'm depressed because it's the Holidays. I'm depressed and it just happens to be the Holidays. I've been depressed for some time now. It's just more apparent to others now because I'm not the giddy me that I usually am. There are some things that I always look forward to because of past experiences, expectations, and a consistency I've become comfortable with.

The Thursday Farmer's Market is one of them. I don't always enjoy it. Sometimes it's boring. Lately it's been cold. I've turned my friend into a toxic filter. I'm dumping my drama on him. I feel bad, and it's become an unhealthy habit. But for better or worse, Thursdays offer a consistency I've grown to appreciate and look forward. Now I'm home, alone, with spiked egg nog in a Holiday empty-spirited room.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Time of Reflection, Day 139

For a while now, I've left blogging to the end of the day after I've amounted heaps of experiences I can record and reflect on. But the error in that method is I may not have time or the desire to express myself so late into the night. I experience so much that I don't need new experiences to find something to write about. That's the beauty and sometimes curse of being a writer, there's always something you can find to write about. I just have to pick something.

I'm starting to realize that I have wisdom to offer. I hope it provides my friends and the people I care about some insight. What's dangerous is what I express can never be taken back. Even if it's asked of me, you can never know how it affects a person. Is it better to be in silence or be a freedom of expression? I know what works for me; hope it's a mutual interest.

I have a friend who I care deeply for mostly because of the premonitions I have of him than the actual friendship that exists, but it doesn't make me care any less for him. I feel I know more about him than I should. And because he's an open-minded and receptive person, I share that knowledge with him to help him. I understand what it's like to know what you have to do or should do and deliberately resist from doing that very act even if it's beneficial.

Even if you understand the value in the lesson, you have to be ready to embrace it or else going through the motions get you nowhere. From his point of view and having some experience with that myself, I empathize and understand why he's not making changes he isn't ready for even if it'll be good for him. As his friend, though, I want to see him move forward. We had a talk about this and since then a number of experiences caused by his own actions that he feels is a subconscious orchestration forcing a change in his lifestyle. He felt the need to share this with me, and I appreciate it.

It's helped me more than I realized at the time. I just felt this desire to express it. I had no idea where it would go or how it would benefit me. I'm at a place in my life right now where I don't exactly want to be, but I'm here because I have this urgency to do one last thing - help him. Maybe this is it.

And I believe that the energy you carry attracts similar energy. By helping him, I became receptive to helping other people in my life, too. I was IMing another friend of mine who said that I'd make a good shrink or a shrink in training. I'm glad I was able to help, and maybe it seems selfishly inappropriate to praise in myself. But I can't help be moved by these words. It's great knowing that I'm able to help the people I care about because I can be very self-centered.

There's a lot I don't understand. Emotional receptivity is something I'm new at, although I'm better at it than I first realized. When I don't understand something, I analyze which often times is the wrong approach. I draw on my own experiences, rather than sensing the people around me because it's not something I'm practiced in. So, as a consequence, I can be rather selfish and take self-centered approaches. I don't do it out of inconsideration. It's the only method I'm most familiar with.

This journey to help myself began as a way to help others. When I'm in pain, I lash out at the people who matter the most to me. I don't want that for them. Then I realized that the way to helping myself is to help others. That method surprised me because I've always lived more of a ME-ME-ME lifestyle. It's more reciprocation and altruism than one-sided selfishness or giveaway considerations.

My roommate cut herself last night and reacted badly to it. I calmed her down and it was refreshing to hear her express appreciation and gratitude about me being there because I just got kicked out of my boyfriend's apartment. The representative of the property manager isn't a fan of me because I refuse to pay more than what I agreed upon when the utility bill exceeded what my flat rent covers. I don't want to financially-inconvenience anyone, but I live in a living room and have four roommates. I can't afford to pay more than what's agreed upon. Hell, I could barely pay that.

He's upset because he had to pay out of pocket for what wasn't covered in my rent. It's not my fault that he charges less than what he can afford. I can't do anything about it. It's not that I'm being difficult, not that refusing makes me out of line or anything. Anyways, he isn't a fan of me. We briefly went through a civilized period out of respect for my boyfriend, but apparently that didn't last when he demanded that I leave and threw a glass cup at my direction. He first started shoving me around. When he became more aggressive, my boyfriend stood in front of me as a way to block him. I left as the tension and aggression escalated.

I wasn't doing anyone any good being there. He was being out of line and irrational. It's understandable that everyone asked me to leave, but it still hurts. Getting kicked out even if you don't always enjoy being somewhere leaves you with a sense of abandonment and it's painful. So it was nice to come home and be appreciated for my presence, for my contributions, for being me.

I know my boyfriend cares about me, but he has to put up with a lot associated with me. Even if it isn't my fault exactly, he's exposed to it and that's exhausting and burdensome. If I wasn't there, he wouldn't be quarreling with his roommate the way he is. I realized through my incessant self-reflection that anything that involves my boyfriend, I tend to take a bleak, negative approach. Why is that?

My friends put up with a lot of crap, too. They're also receptive, so is my boyfriend. When I burden my friends, I don't question the stability or foundation of our friendship. I do that with him, though. And I know I don't think that lowly of him. I'm just scared of losing him because of the drama attached to me.

I've passed up relationships before because I knew the drama in my life would be toxic and unwanted. I don't want that for them. But now I'm with someone and my drama is toxic for him. It makes me feel like I care less about him because I'm willing to put him through that, but it's not like that. I know that. I just can't silence these thoughts sometimes. And being kicked out of his place because things became so bad really emphasizes that.

He even mentioned to me once that I have to be nice to him because he doesn't want to get kicked out. It's a fair concern, but I don't do anything that should be upsetting. He just hates me. It's a lose-lose situation. I'm so sick and tired of feeling like my boyfriend's blaming me and my behavior for why his roommate hates him and that his living situation is compromised as a result of it.

I can help so many people around me. Why can't I help myself? Why am I plagued with these perpetuating guilt trips that I'm not responsible for? Why am I tormented by these thoughts that I know my boyfriend isn't having? Why am I so detrimental in relationships?

I just want to be happy and be with him. Is that honestly too much to expect? I finally met a guy who's willing to tolerate the baggage of my drama that comes with being with me. I found someone I don't want to run away from, most of the time anyways. I want this to work. During our brief "break up" which was more of a break, a much needed time to think things through, it felt wrong for everyone that we were apart. When my boyfriend and I worked things through, a friend of mine was really happy for me because he came up to me and said, "I see happy on your face." That's what I want.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Experiences that Flavor Our Soul, Day 138

I've missed some entries, but that doesn't mean that I didn't have any meaningful experiences. I came to the realization that I don't make the time to blog when I feel that there isn't adequate time to cover everything, and that's a poor habit I have to change. If I wait to blog only when I'm able to offer a generous amount of time, I'll never have the opportunity to develop as a writer. Life isn't going to offer me that kind of leniency, and I certainly shouldn't wait until it's offered up to me, either.

I had plans to go to a sweat lodge which I had been looking forward to because it's one of my life long dreams. It's on the something to do before I die list. As much as I want to travel, this has more significance to me because it's meant to be a spiritual experience. When my boyfriend and I were on a break I suppose, it felt like my world collapsed around me. But life kept moving forward. In fact, a friend of mine was in Germany for two weeks and had returned just as my schedule cleared. Immediately plans for a sweat lodge came up.

I even had a "floating" side storage unit. It was leaning against the wall and the front two legs were sitting on the side of my bed, so it was off the ground. It was weird, funky, and very me. That's the kind of shit that I do when I'm single, partly because I'm unable to move things properly and but eventually because my limitations has led me to develop these odd fascinations. It was symbolic of the old me returning.

I'm glad that things worked out between me and this guy. It's also safer that it was rearranged, but I was completely looking forward to this sweat lodge that didn't happen. My boyfriend sensed that it wasn't going to happen after I received a cancellation text message from a friend, so he directed my anger towards him before I became devastated about my lifelong dream getting shattered. That's got to be one of the sweetest and most twistedly dark thing someone's done for me.

I don't want to cheapen it by saying that it's just a sweat lodge, but that opportunity will occur again. That isn't to say that I wouldn't have been heartbroken. Getting mad at the boyfriend is something most people handle better, but it's not what I wanted. Yet I can't help but be moved by his efforts, though.

I also missed my friend's birthday party which I wish I hadn't. Then I received an email from a good friend of mine that he might be moving because of a myriad of reasons. We actually had a really meaningful talk recently about his life. I've had so many premonitions about him and where his life could lead. This was always a possibility. It's interesting because he felt that he wanted to share his recent events with me. I hope my insights help him.

The past couple of days have been evidence of how life offers more choices than we properly appreciate and recognize. But it's the decisions we make that determine our own happiness. No matter how awful things are, life keeps moving and going on. It doesn't stop or wait for any of us. It moves forward without abandon. We may not always see it, but that doesn't make it any less true. Thoughts create our own realities, so sometimes we "create a reality" where life just stays still, but it's nothing more than an illusion. However, that doesn't mean that we can't be a part of life if we let some opportunities escape us.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Post Break-Up Reform, Day 136

I feel the need to begin this post by expressing how negligent I've been and how I hate to work towards correcting that. I'm considering starting a new slate on January 1. I kept thinking that if I missed a day that I shouldn't count that day, but that's not representative or authentic to the 365-a-Day Project. Neither is cutting it off, but sometimes you need a fresh start. That's what I recently discovered.

So after two days of being broken up, my ex comes to my apartment and expresses that he feels he might have overreacted and that he's willing to babysit my TV and DVD player because there's not that much space in my apartment. Gee, thanks. What a male reaction, right? When he saw how unamused I was he snapped and said, "Fine, you don't want my help? Whatever! I don't give a damn! I don't even care." Then two seconds later he asks if I'm okay and need any help moving stuff around :) He cares.

My apartment complex is like high school. Everyone knows everyone's business. There's the OG partiers and then there's him and me. The youngsters see us as the party king and queen. Yeah right! We do tend to have people over. Anyways, some friends from the other units have asked about what's been going on. I got this whole speech that bordered on the balance of the universe (apartment social interaction) has to be restored. Things were more comfortable, social, and happier before things fell apart.

It's true, but I can't be with someone who distrusts me so much. I show consideration and thoughtfulness towards my friends. I overcompensate for my selfishness which I don't try to do, but there's a lot I don't understand. So I analyze and all I can do is draw on my own experiences. It becomes centered around me. I'm sure it's a challenge and a constant annoyance my friends tolerate. I show my gratitude by doing little things. It's not flirty; I won't change my ways. I can't be with someone who distrusts me and sees the worst in me when I'm actually doing something nice. What a set up that is!

As it turns out, though, that's not quite how it is. He never really distrusted me. He's had insecurities which I've had, too, in all honesty. It's like reflex for me. I've been crying a lot lately. Work, school, finances, and other aspects of my personal life has been miserable. It's made me a crazy emotional girl! He didn't think I was cheating on him but worried that a person in my situation would be tempted to cheat because he thought I was unhappy in the relationship. That makes sense considering how many tears I've shed, but that actually had nothing to do with him.

Some distance had made him realize that I bounce back up really quickly from the tears, so it couldn't be as bad as he once thought it was. He had doubts when I said everything's fine because my eyes are watering. That's understandable. We haven't known each other for that long, so he doesn't know I mean it when I say stuff like that. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me, but it's an understandable skepticism. Girls bullshit all the time about those things.

My perception of everything was drastically different, too. I heard that he was happy from someone who's perception is a little shallower. I also heard him hanging out with the guys until really late, so I assumed that he was having a blast. Our friends were telling me otherwise. Sometimes it's good to get the insights of a man. Getting a PS3 was a way for him to not deal with what happened.

He admitted that he's been broken up about what happened and hasn't slept well. I thought it was just me. I assumed he didn't sleep well because he was up all night. It never occurred to me that he was up all night hanging out with the guys because he couldn't sleep. My tendency to always think that a person would rather be away from me came out as I suspected that he kicked me out of his place when he said that I can go back to hanging out with the guys and he has to shower. The guys asked if I ever had to leave when he showered before. No, he was just being considerate.

I got further confirmation about this from him. We've decided to take things slowly. We had some epiphanies about where we went wrong. We also spend a lot of time with other people because people just gravitate towards us. It's hard for us to really get to know each other and pick up on ques when we're distracted. We aren't exactly together right now, but we're developing our friendship so that down the line we can change that. It's exclusive. We're not seeing anyone else. We're going to have "date nights or days" where we dedicate time that's just us, so we can be around each other.

I'm really looking forward to this. It feels like everyone's uncomfortable with the breakup. It not only affected the two people involved but everyone surrounding us. How insane is that? Just not hearing us laugh, bicker, cook, and socialize was enough for facebook intervention. Neither of us can return to the relationship we had, but I don't think we'll revert to the way things were. We just misinterpreted a lot of things and reacted falsely. A different approach, we're hoping, will change the outcome. Only time will tell. We're all optimistic about it.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Day 135?

So after a few days of crying, I woke up dry eyed and a little sore. I'm numb some of the time and other times my eyes are just gushing with tears. When did I become such a fucking chick? This is bullshit! Speaking of bullshit, I just realized that I may be typing away at something that makes no sense because there's no background. Then again my ramblings are probably always like that as observed by one of my friends! Thanks. -___- Eh, it's a fair analysis.

Anyways I just broke up with my boyfriend because of a trust issue. We weren't together for that long and I suppose trust is earned, but I was so hurt that he didn't trust me for as long as he has and kept it from me for so long. I'm not the kind of person he accused me to be, and I don't want to be with someone who thinks that about me. And even though his suspicions about me are completely off the chains crazy, I don't want him to be with someone he distrusts, either. He deserves to be with someone he feels comfortable with. It was an irrational decision on my part. I made a swift decision. I didn't take the time to consider how we had just met and trust is earned as he emphasized twice. While I don't want either of us to be in that situation, no one said that can't change.

I miss him. I handled things so poorly throughout our brief relationship because in a twisted way I did want to break things off. I'm scared. I regret that decision.

Thoughts that Keep Escaping Me Without Ever Leaving!

Confusion or illusion. Corruption’s my talent, what’s yours?

Sometimes I don’t know whether to hate you or kiss you.

It’s naïve to think that orchids will last a lifetime.

Nutcracker – Concert – Las Vegas – Picnic – Driving up to the Mountains – Hiking – Vacay – Hotel – Moving in together – Two-Month Texas Home – Sexy Biker – Auto Show – Clubbing – Making a Star Tree Topper – Stealing a Star Ornament – Valentine Parade – Container Gardening – Kinks and Fun – Glen Ivy Hot Springs – Marathon - Indoor Cycling - Frisbee Golf - Snowboarding - A Purple Christmas - Brownies! - Camping - Poetry Recital -

Kiss Me or Die!

It’s naïve to believe that orchids can last a lifetime

It’s stupid to think that you can find nourishment and protection from a cactus

Daffodils and cactuses can never be




All things I love


Why It’s Good We Broke Up List

Sad one moment. Clear as day certain that it's the right thing. Miss him a little. Remember what an idiot he is. Even his friends have told me that I'm really sharp. He's not stupid, but he's not bright. Are you sure you can happy with him? Or I've gotten. You're a smart girl. Ask yourself if you really want to be with someone like him. And just jumping around in thought like that. It's exhausting. And the answer's yes. He's not high functional intelligence to the extreme like me as in rapid fast speed thinking, but he's keen and perceptive. We connected.

I Heart Jaymie

I Stayed Away for a Reason

The Time I Found When I'm Not in Tears

The best first date ever. The happiest break up…for him. Saddest moment for me followed by tears jumping out of my eyes, the salt burning my skin only to be washed away by the feeling of breathlessness and pain in my throat. The blood collects and I want to do is collapse as I silently suffer, trying to rack my mind about all the awful things about him so I’ll stop missing him. But all I see is his smile. Desperately trying to push away the desire to be held by him, to be in his arms.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Cheating My Way to Catch Up, Fast Forward to 133

Since the goal is to blog each day but I haven't, I feel like I'm cheating when I write down 117-133. However this blog is supposed to be a reflection of time passing. If I only count the days I write, the timeline will be all off. So I'll continue to write entries, but it's unrealistic to make up for them all. This way I know what day it's supposed to be? I know I'm still off, but I'm trying.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Records Girl, Day 116

So I came to a realization during my previous entry. I record and record and record everything! And then I sit there for hours observing as though I'm looking for something. I'm not satisfied, so I try to be more meticulous and detail-oriented. I've been doing this my entire life without fail and I've never succeeded. I've never found what I was looking for. What am I looking for? A record, evidence of happy moments because I always pass them up!

When it happens, I don't understand it. I tend to focus only on what I do know and understand, what I'm familiar with. But I know that what I perceive is one-dimensional and limited at best, so I keep a record to find what I'm missing except I only record what I understand, not happiness! That isn't to say that I don't experience it; I'm just not aware when I do experience it! Wow, what a breakthrough! I mean I know this is incredibly stupid, but this is just amazing to me!

I think it's time I start recording.

1) I was surprised when he wanted to dress up to see the opera even though dressing up for the opera is common because it's a community college performance, but I think my heart giggled a little. I was excited by the idea that this guy wants to put that kind of effort. My roommate picked out my outfit, and I was so excited. I looked gorgeous! And I loved his reaction.

2) As we were walking to the performance, we were flirting and had a really good talk. I can't explain it, but when I think back to that moment, I remember how it felt. I was walking and not in the most coordinated way. I was cold. We were lost and creating out there stories.

3) Sometimes he'd stare at me and start laughing. One day I freaked out and asked him why he was laughing. He said, "Nothing! I laugh when I'm happy." That warmed me a little.

4) My heart got a little excited a couple times he put the effort to sit closer to me.

5) As he was moving my stuff around in storage, we would take breaks and he would give me a hug. I was so nervous that my feelings had negative associations that manifested, but I looked forward to it every time.

6) If hearts can smile, mine did during moments we were together.

7) He called me Pickles

8) He'd pucker his lips

9) He'd stick his tongue out

Happiness Always Hiding in the Shadows, Day 115

How can I ever expect to embrace happiness and escape my demons if I continue to store and even re-locate happiness to the shadows away from the sun? Darkness is where danger lies, home of the demons and destruction. That must be why I'm so at peace and home there. How awful is that? I have to fix myself before I can experience anything positive, and it begins by accepting reality.

Unfamiliarity terrifies me and sometimes more than being alone. That's reality. My biggest fear isn't being alone. My biggest fear is unfamiliarity to such a dangerous degree that I'm willing to sabotage anything foreign from entering. If I only welcome what I already know, I'll just continue to perpetuate the cycle of darkness, though. So I can't beat the fear out of me, but I also can't wait until it escapes me. Ideally, I wouldn't be afraid. When's life ever ideal, though? Sometimes happiness comes knocking on your door, and it isn't often. I can either continue to ignore it or take a chance.

Sure there's a chance that a guy will run away. It's happened before, and it can happen again. But that's not a good enough of a reason for me to stay in the shadows. Eventually I'll find someone who's right for me but only after I actually come out from the shadows. He may now be in my past, but I should start practicing. It's not like I never had happy moments, I just never keep a record of it. Speaking of records....epiphany!

Fluctuations in my Life, Day 114

Why is it that I have so many fluctuations in my life and I only make the priority to write during the absence of happiness? Writing is such a fundamental aspect and of high importance in my life, but I don't incorporate happiness into it. Is that because I don't prioritize happiness as important enough to record? I think so. How twisted is that?

I'm so afraid of being happy for so many reasons - vulnerability, exposure, destruction, unfamiliarity, I can keep going on and on. When things end, I don't feel so bad about expressing things because I can keep it vague and I'm only recording what people know. Plus I'm not afraid to be exposed. I'm used to people seeing my misery and destruction. What I'm not used to is people seeing me happy; I'm not used to people seeing me happy. But I want to be. Writing is my process to understand, and I'm starting to understand that not every feeling is meant to be understood, but I'm a writer at heart. I shouldn't hold back what's in my heart and for a writer that's expressing how you feel in words no matter how crappy it is.

I can sit here and create a thousand excuses for why I haven't written about the recent moments that have made me smile, laugh, take my breath away, the exhilarating moments I miss...but they'd all be bullshit. There's an element of truth to all of it, but it's not the core. I don't like to be confused, and writing about happiness would confuse me. I'd worry that writing about happiness isn't nearly as convincing as when I write about being saddened. I think people can sense that, but they won't sense that I'm happy. What if he thinks I'm not happy because when I write about being happy it sounds forced? It probably would in the beginning because it's unnatural.

That should've never been a reason for me to not record those moments. That's belittling who he is. I have to trust that he knows how I feel even if it's poorly written. And if he doesn't, that's not a good enough of a reason to stunt my writing by censoring myself. The whole reason why I began this writing journey Air-Earth-Fire-Water is because I want to evolve as a writer, so that means I have to explore other writing styles. In fact, if it makes me uncomfortable, those are the kinds I should pursue and not just in writing but in life, as well.

I also have to stop using other people as a shield. It's not fair to them. They don't ask for this. It's cowardly and twisted of me. I have to endure some pain sometimes. Another excuse I used is that he wouldn't want me to expose him, but he's been so open with me. I would only be revealing the side he feels comfortable enough to expose to me and everyone around us. For once I bagged a guy who wasn't afraid to show how he feels, so I ran away. I miss him.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

This is Happiness to You, Day 113?

I've been behind on my blogs, but I distinctly remember at one point wanting a blog titled "This is Happiness to You" because the contents would embody what that statement symbolizes for me. I went out with a guy, the only guy at the time I opened up to. I never felt so vulnerable and exposed before. It was terrifying and exhilarating. In a twisted way you can say that it's the first time I've ever experienced feeling anything real, meaningful, and deep. My feelings are usually shallow and restricted to the safe zone. I don't really dive in too deep or at least I never used to.

That's how I lost this guy. I was so afraid of letting go, and he was trying to get me to do that. So I severed ties with him any way I could. When I lost him, I realized what I could've been missing out on. I've never been in love. I thought it was because I never found the right guy, and I'm sure that's part of it. But it wouldn't have mattered. I wasn't receptive to it anyways. Maybe that's why I never met the right guy in the first place or maybe I did and I was too oblivious to know it.

All I know is that I got a second chance with him, but before that I had this gnawing knowing that he came into my life to shatter my heart to let a little light in as a way to "prepare" me for the next guy, so I'd do the next guy right. When you live in the dark your entire life, you don't know how much brighter it is out there because life is all about perception. I knew that he came into my life to do that to prepare me for the next guy. I was devastated that that was his role in my life because what an amazing guy he is, that he has to come into my life and bleed a little because I'm corrupt.

Then I met a guy. I thought he might be the guy I was "prepped" for. God I hate that word. It seemed logical (the idea of it) and maybe he was once upon a time, but something changed. I'm not sure what. No, I do. I didn't even think about it until now, but it time lines.

That's the thing, though. If you search hard enough for anything, in my world anyways, you'll find it. The guy who I thought it was entered my life right after the last guy left and that's when I didn't want to burn bridges because I might get hurt. I knew him before that, but we didn't start talking until I changed. It's like the universe or we weren't receptive to each other until I worked through some things. A couple facebook blips that honestly shouldn't have happened exposed my feelings. I thought, "Wow! The universe really aided in that one!" I guess I needed its help because I'm not sure I would've admitted my feelings for him, and I'm fairly certain his floaty ass would've let it linger to the point that it would've passed.

It wasn't "destiny." It wasn't even that the universe made it happen because something was supposed to develop between us. Do I believe that the universe played a role in a more active way than normal? Always. But not for the reasons I once believed and not because of the outcome. I always knew deep down that we wouldn't be right for each other. It's just easy to believe that something was meant for something greater when all you have are premonitions of this guy. It was never reality, though.

I've been happy before in the context that I've had positive experiences that elevate my mood and makes me smile, but there's only been one moment my entire life where I've experienced an absence of negativity about myself AND I was in a happy mood. In a sad way you can say that was the moment I experienced happiness, and it was expressed to me.

He told me, "this is happiness to you." Do you know what I was doing? We were close and his arms were wrapped around me. He said, "this is happiness to you." I didn't realize at the time how much truth there is to that. That night was calm, quiet, peaceful, simple, familiar, comfortable, and absence of any complexities that normally burden me. That's what happiness is to me and sharing that experience with someone. A part of me wishes that that someone doesn't change so much (even though it's only happened twice) because it feels so unstable, but I have to get over it. That's like saying I don't want to be in a relationship because I've been in more than one.

I was lying in bed with him and he was holding me. Despite my greedy, materialistic nature, the truest moment for me was a simple one. It really stuck with me. That's what I want. I want that life where I'm happy because I'm snuggled by someone I really like and someone who likes me, a place that's just ours. I can only find happiness in a familiar setting because I couldn't relax in any other environment. There's comfort and peace in that. It's intimate and personal.

I seem to blog regularly when I'm depressed or during an absence of happiness. Is that why I haven't been blogging because I've been experiencing happiness? Not exactly but I am happy. I met an amazing guy, and as I type these words, I wonder why I don't express more about him and our recent experiences. I just had an epiphany. I'm unable to process happiness emotionally, so I don't understand it and therefore I don't write about it. I want to write about it because I want to become better acquainted with it. I know that sounds stupid, but I have to focus on this and myself first to make this relationship work.

Bonding (Discomfort)

As some of my furniture was being removed from storage and a lot of space became vacant, my friend suggested that I downgrade to a smaller unit and even offered to help me transfer my furniture the very next day! I didn't know it until that day, but I started to have feelings for him. Another friend of mine bought me this purple cat with a marble on it. It's one of my favorite possessions. The marble fell off, and I was devastated. He wrapped his arms around me to comfort me, and I felt this paradoxical sense of pleasure and something I can only describe as an oppositional feeling.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone's about to attack you or you get seriously terrified and in an instant your body goes into alert mode? Goosebumps jump out of your arms. Imagine a much weaker version of that combined with a mild feeling of the blues, just slight depression. That's how I feel when I'm attracted to someone. How twisted is that?

Somewhere along the line I became so repulsed by the idea of feeling that I started to develop a negative association to it. I perceived feelings to be volatile, dangerous, an uncontrollable liability, a substance that absolves me of my powers. I couldn't have none of that. So I found a way to avoid being in a vulnerable situation. If I reacted to feelings as something dangerous, I would stay away from it.

So many times I unknowingly rejected guys and eliminated people from my life because they ran the risk of breaking the shell that protected my heart. My ex was the only who came at me with a sledgehammer and tore it down. I didn't even know it was there. Instead of trusting him to be there and rebuild it, I ran away only to realize that that was a weak decision. I realized that I don't want to run away anymore, so I've become more emotionally-receptive. But I was horrified by what I discovered.

Can you imagine feeling so awful around the very person you like? It would make any girl run the other direction, but this time I knew it was different. I was aware of it. Every time he gave me a hug, I felt awful. But as time passed and I saw that I wasn't in any threat, the "bad" feelings subsided.

What's even more incredible than this breakthrough and awareness is this deep conversation I had with his roommate and friend that I've known for a while. We've known each other for a long time, but we never really truly connected. Our relationship has always been so one-dimensional. It's as if we both had to be broken down a bit by life's challenges to be able to relate to one another. It's through that conversation that I was able to accept that I'm falling for this other guy. Sometimes things do happen for a reason.

It's a Thing!

There was definitely something developing with this guy, but neither of us really mentioned anything. When I left my cell phone at his place, I had to use my co-worker's phone to let him know. My co-worker was so excited that I met a guy, he was encouraging me in the background to ask him to drop it off which this guy did. Everyone started asking him if he was my boyfriend. He got all flustered and responded with, "I helped her move." They're all like that's nice. Are you guys going out? He's like, "She has a purple couch." LOL! That night I tell him that everyone's asking about him or about "us" at work to see how he feels. He says, "It's a thing. Don't act like it's not." It's a thing! ^_^