Manifestations on the Rise

I know I've been doormat for a while. But while I was neglecting my blog, life was happening all around me. The uncertainties and ambiguous health concerns as well as some intense emotional experiences left me feeling weak and helpless, but my body has an internal reset button. I hate to feel devastated, so much so that I have an unhealthy habit of suppressing my feelings. I do that because I can't bear the pain. Over the years I've discovered the danger of not dealing with my feelings and since I haven't had much practice coping with them, I feel like I struggle with it more than others. When it gets intolerable, my body just normalizes. I hit rock bottom and it's as if all my tears, pain, and sadness flush out of me and the water rises me to the top. I felt refreshed in some ways.

I'm pursuing modeling. It's something I've always been interested in but never gave attention to cuz either I wasn't very motivated or didn't have the time. Since it seems like every 9-5 job slips away from me and as much as I hate to admit it, so is my memory to the point that I'm having a difficult time even keeping basic jobs that it's a good opportunity to explore this realm. I feel like the universe is rewarding me in this path cuz already I've met five photographers in a matter of two months. I've had two photo shoots and have another one scheduled for tomorrow, one on Saturday, and I have to make appointments with three other photographers. These are all free, too!

Eventually I'll need compensation, of course but I like that I'm not losing money in an attempt to make money. It's an altruistic benefit. I just have to move forward from here once I gather everything I need to do just that. It's a bit frustrating cuz I want to create profiles online and I'm unable to complete the task cuz I'm not understanding how to save photos or upload them properly due to its size, etc. Fortunately pretty much all of the photographers have been exceptionally helpful, so I feel I can ask them for assistance.

So much has happened and I'm not really sure I'm inclined to record it all. It seems like a chore. But basically here goes! I stalked (yes stalked) my former English professor who now lectures at a different college from where I attended. With my health scare, it's made me examine my priorities. I've bounced around from one interest to another - writing, holistic nutrition coach, modeling, etc. While all of these capture my attention, writing has been a life long passion of mine and the only reason I haven't put together an adequate amount of publishable material is well....that's what I'm trying to discover. No actually that's what I'm trying to change.

As I thought more about this, I intuitively realized who I should seek out. Of course I could always email him and I imagine he would've been receptive, but taking the initiative and asking someone for assistance in my writing project is more likely to result in success if I do it in person. I'm so fortunate that he's receptive, enthusiastic, and has agreed to help me. I didn't go into detail but explained to him that I have a health concern I'm dealing with, it's opened up my schedule, money's tight, and I'm unable to attend school. More importantly, I don't think the key to putting so many of my writing visions together is inside of a classroom with assignments that are unrelated to my personal tasks. Since this is someone who pursued teaching English as a profession, he's more than willing to help me.

It's almost funny that I didn't think about this before. It's cuz I've never asked myself what can I do to help produce results, which is odd right? You'd think I'd ask such an obvious question! But sometimes things have to unfold at certain times and in different increments, so I'm going to choose to be grateful for what's happening now instead of concerning myself with the irrelevant past.

A friend has completed a book and is onto a second one. He's always been encouraging and supportive of my writing. He texted me once how do you not have a book yet and sadly cuz I wasn't in the healthiest mindset, I took offense to his comment which as it turned out was meant to be a kind-hearted one. It wasn't at all a judgmental inquiry and more along the lines of you're so talented. I found myself so excited and giddy for him but at the same time, that genuine happiness for him was an external feeling I was releasing and it was leaving my body. It left me feeling empty. I wanted to keep that excitement for myself, but I don't have anything to be excited for. I want to change that. I don't want my friend's success to be a bittersweet experience laced with a tinge of envy. It affects the quality of friendship I can offer for one thing. But I believe all of that has led me in the right direction.

Timing can be so magical. I became even closer with a friend who I've in the past only spent time with briefly, but you can tell there's this bond between us and she didn't hesitate to express it. She shared with me that she has two sisters, but she feels a sisterly connection with me. To this day, that's one of the best compliments I've ever received. So I couldn't be happier to have gotten closer with her. We both bring out the best qualities in each other, too.

A natural flow of events landed me as her Personal Organizer, which has rewarded her energetically and for me, as well. She gave me some money for my efforts, although I wasn't looking for it. Since she doesn't have much money, she's now offering me products. She's a designer. It's amazing how such a seemingly small gesture became an epiphany. A year ago I thought to ask her to help me accessorize but hesitated since I rarely talked to her and didn't want to run the risk of disturbing her, even though she's always been open and inviting. I rationalized during that time that although I love her designs, the jewelry she makes isn't really my style. To think I wasted an entire year not asking for her advice when it was available all this time hidden in her closet!

It made me realize that I still have self-sabotage traps, and I'm so grateful that I have her in my life cuz she's providing me with a safe, encouraging, and supportive environment for me to say and do the things I instinctively hesitate to do such as ask for help. Her genuine nature is an eye-opener. This is more than accessories for me. It's teaching me to trust my intuition and myself. I want to accessorize more cuz I have a difficult time seeing the big picture. I'm excellent at attention to detail, which is analytical and intellectual. But my creative side is underdeveloped and I want to practice it more. I want to find my creative identity.

Much in the same way I hesitated and rationalized, I remember years ago watching Martha Stewart with a guest who reconstructs t-shirts. I was intrigued and yet I rationalized my attention away by telling myself I'm not crafty, it's too much work, and I'm not creative. I don't even give myself a chance! As I was cleaning out my friend's closet, she was showing me shirts she wants to reconstruct and I remember that vague feeling of appeal resurface, but I yet again ignored it! Now I want to explore it.

I may decide to not pursue it, but I want to allow myself a chance to make informed decisions, rather than rejecting ideas before they have a chance to take shape. The truth is I need the money and this could be a way to do it. It doesn't have to be permanent or maybe it can be. I feel like this free time is about exploring. No matter how much effort I put into filling my time with productive agendas according to societal standards, I find myself in the same place I'm at now. Maybe I'm supposed to discover something.

I want to build my portfolio for modeling. I want paid photo shoots. I want my rent to be lowered. I want more income. I want to explore the creative realm and develop my creative identity. I want to build more meaningful relationships. I want my relationship to deepen. I want to learn to be more honest and open about my feelings. I want to feel comfortable taking the initiative to show someone how I truly feel or at the very least not withdrawal by giving mixed signals. I want to find unconventional ways to make money. I feel that I have to take advantage of uncommon ways to profit at this point in my life, so I'm trying to keep my eyes, ears, and intuition peeled for those opportunities. Manifestations on the rise!

I Have to Find MY Shoe Size

The more I try to fit into a world I don't belong in, the more I'll be lost and unsettled. I may not look forward to the seemingly endless search and what a relief it'd be to have found the end, but no amount of desire will make something into something it isn't. Substitutions don't work. I don't belong here. And I want to belong. So I have to find a place where I will...Sigh

The Halfway Point

I've been considering moving for quite some time and if anyone's been keeping up with my blog, it's not new information. But I've started thinking about it more recently. So much so that today I began browsing craigslist. I'm still uncertain if this job will turn into a permanent one, but part of being intuitive is developing confidence in myself because imbalance distorts perception. For someone of over confidence, perhaps humility is required. In my case, however, it's quite the opposite.

Time will reveal the outcome. No amount of contemplating will advance the answer to me any quicker. (My how much I've grown. LOL) Anyways I'm going through the typical series of considerations, but this time I'm not narrowing my choices or blind to what my choices are. Despite the many jobs I've had, this is the first one that's closeby to where I live and easy to commute to. People live nearby where they live all the time, but I've never experienced this before.

I really enjoy the convenience. People used to be appalled by how far away I was from everything - friends, work, school, home, etc. I just thought it was my life. Now I like to call it standards. :) So nearby commute is a priority. By enjoying the benefit of it, I won't feel so depressed or imprisoned to a higher rental fee. I used to get briefly jealous that others always seem to find better deals than me. That pang of envy didn't last long since my life hurricaned one disaster after another.

My chaotic life forced me to not be petty. Now that I have time to feel how I feel, I'm not wasting it on asinine feelings and directly them outwards. I'm really taking the time to focus on what matters to me cuz the truth is no matter what decisions I make, there's going to be some sort of challenge somewhere whether it be exchanging a long commute for cheaper rent or higher rental fees for a closeby area. With that mentality expressed, I want to be open and receptive to cheap rent nearby. :)

Finding a place with utilities included would be wonderful cuz I've gotten used to not budgeting, which I could get away with cuz my expenses are pre-fixed. When I have to pay something, I pay well in advance so I don't have to deal with a bill monthly. I only charge on my credit card what I know I have money for. I withdrawal the smallest amount of $ I possibly need for food and only access that for food. I do the same with credit cards. Having a bank nearby is a super convenience! Gotta factor that into my moving, too.

I want to move even though I love my space cuz I don't want to become stagnant, and I can feel myself drowning in it. Part of it has to do with my habits, but it's also cuz I don't value my space. Whether my space is clean or cluttered, it feels the same to me cuz it's lacking that flowing energy. Even when I practice feng shui cuz I'm no longer stimulated and excited by it. I need something new.

It was a great experience to learn to cook huge meals without a kitchen and let go of a lot of my material possessions. It's quite liberating actually and I never thought I'd enjoy being a minimalist cuz the excessiveness of my life comforted me. It shielded me from the chaoticness of my life but what we give off is what we take in. Now I surround myself with less things and I'm lighter, so I attract lighter energy. That's a valuable lesson I couldn't have learned without living here, I believe.

But now it's time for a kitchen. A balcony to grow plants would be nice, too. Sometimes I get premonitions. That's when I see into the future clearly with quite a bit of detail. It doesn't always come true, but it's more solid than a mere thought which can be my free mind accessing intuitive possibility which may sound like the same thing but it's not. However, I can manifest it. Finding a balcony with my budget close to work seems unlikely, but I found something promising on craigslist already. If I continue to manifest my desires, I believe more doors will open up.

So let's review. An apartment with a kitchen for sure! Easy access to work. Preferably a balcony for plant life and utilities included. Washer and dryer must be on site. I'd like a space with hardwood floors or else I may just pull the carpet out. But what if it's damaged with holes? Can any amount of glossy finish fix nicks? Now that I've visited the parania realm, I'm returning to my happy place where I focus my energy manifesting positive desires.

Where I live now, you can hear everything. Walking around makes audible noise. I have no desire to go through the trouble of installing a TV, but at my new place, it'd be nice if it's a possibility. I don't plan on buying cable or anything. However, I'd love to be able to turn on workout DVDs. I'd appreciate that greatly cuz I want this space to be healthy - healthy holistically, nutritiously, emotionally, physically, spiritually, decoratively, artistically, mentally, internally, musically, and socially. Wow, I covered a lot there and I really should give them attention.

I'm going to let the thoughts marinade and return to them tomorrow. I'm beginning to realize the value of processing things subconsciously, rather than surfacing them analytically before they've had time to blossom and fully develop. Shuss for now!

Sometimes Things Just Flow

The evening started off not like planned. I didn't get picked up from work by my friend, and everyone arrived much later than expected. I also had a few who didn't make it. But the presence of those who visited made my birthday a wonderful experience. I'm at a place in my life where meaningful experiences, genuine friendships, and spiritual connections have deeper meaning and greater priority than PARTY! So it felt more like a good hang out than a birthday get together which is exactly what I wanted cuz it made things so natural. It also worked out well cuz I was planning to only serve finger food which wouldn't have satiated our appetites. Sometimes things don't work out and creates an opportunities that are more conducive to the environment that what was initially planned.

I'm Glowing!!!!

It's my birthday!!!! This is the first time in my life EVER that I've been excited about my birthday! I'm 28 years old today! I'm not that old, but I've wasted way too many years not being excited about my birth and I'm changing that this year! :) I couldn't be any happier! I bought a blueprint for my astrological chart which also includes numerology. It wasn't quite as informative as I would've liked, but I've finally reached a point in my life where these things have become a priority for me. It's always fascinated me but actually immersing myself in it was something I hesitated in the past.

I'm really excited about tonight. But I started my birthday immediately! My friend picked me up and arrived with flowers! <3 I now have decorations for my gathering tonight! And he made me mimosas. I'm a freak and take pictures of food, drinks, and all things pretty! He remembered he had umbrella parasols and pulled a purple one out for me! And he got me a purple teakettle!!! PURPLE!!! I'm so ecstatic! It's my first birthday present of the year! Not that I require gifts, and I totally wasn't expecting one. So it means the world to me! We had a really good chat and such a fun time! "I'M A HERO!!!!" It was a funny inside joke. He was beng so tolerant to my demands today. I wanted to go back cuz I forgot to bring my journal, so we went back to my place. He made me lunch for today.

On Saturday, I found a journal on clearance at Michael's. My co-worker was pleased since she didn't tolerate me buying it full price. But I'm desperate for a journal to clear my mind, and sometimes it's just not worth waiting for a discounted price when I feel mentally tormented. I also bought colored markers which will make art journal much easier! Colored pencils are exhausting for me to use, and I'm not really feeling painting at this time. Best part? It was 40% off baby! What a steal? I also went to the library and borrowed books on art journaling, chakras, and book writing.

I had plans to go to an event I found online. I was within blocks when I decided to change my plans for no apparent reason. It just felt like the right thing to do. As it turns out, the event didn't even take place. When I arrived at the library I saw a notice that advertised Feeling Crafty? And I wanted to go to the library with the intent to look through art journaling! I also bought a customized perfumed body oil at an affordable price. Yayayayayay!

Sunday was a little different. I got some clarity which is beneficial and heard some things I didn't want to hear but suspected to a degree. I'm grateful to have people in my life who are patient, understanding, tolerant, and caring enough to me to be there for me and explain things even when I'm sure it's not the most pleasant task to make sure I'm okay. No matter what happens, I'm grateful for the people who entered my life.

Love is Louder

This weekend I helped a really good friend of mine work on a documentary called Love is Louder. It's a beautiful message, and I'm honored to be included in such a powerful message. I love that I'm friends with someone who would get involved in a project like this and that she thought of me. I believe I was the first or one of the first people she hit up to share her vision.

I guess it's a testament of how much I've truly grown and evolved over the years. it takes a while for us to examine ourselves and really see how much we need to improve ourselves. Then we spend what seems like an exhaustibly long amount of time feeling helpless, unsure on how to proceed to become a better version of ourseles. When we finally gain some insights, which is still bleak and vague in the beginning, there's still an overwhelming amount of confusion. There's helplessness from not knowing the answers, and we begin to believe that once we find them, we'll be able to start our journey on self-improvement. But as time reveals, it's not quite so straightforward. Having the answers isn't the same as having a map.

Eventually my impatience led me to start moving anywhere, but I got lost and relapsed a lot. It's funny describing this cuz although I know it to be true, I couldn't give you any examples. Then all of a sudden out of a fog, it's like we found clarity and we're not quite so certain how we got there. Or at least that's how it was for me. So sometimes I forget the progress I've made cuz it's so much a natural part of me, but blessings like these are a wonderful reminder.

I'm glad that I've become a confident, secure, and comfortable enough of a person to express that I'm intelligent, insightful, sensitive, considerate, and caring enough that someone would ask my opinion on something so incredible! I, by no means, am trying to shift focus away from what turly matters, this documentary, but I really just wanted to express self-gratitude because I wasn't always this person. There's something exhilarating about being a part of something greater than ourselves because we were considered worthy and to be able to contribute to something like this. I was also really proud with my performance. In my scene, I cried and drank and portrayed a sense of aloneness until I was reminded otherwise.

I asked another friend to be a part of this, and he was amped to do it. It was the first time both of my friends met, and she was really grateful. I'm not surprised at all. Everything just came together organically, and I couldn't be more excited to see the final project! :)

Skate Through It

I recently went ice skating, and I'm giddy to report I didn't fall and was able to actually skate! Okay, so being able to ice skate at 27 may not seem particularly impressive, but I've gone ice skating before many, many times and I could hardly stand. I understand the instructions given to me, the proper technique I must execute to skate, but in the past my body has always locked up. I'm not sure why this time it was different.

Maybe it's because I've become more intuitive, can feel that everything has energy and I was able to channel my friend's relaxing vibe, or I've developed a better control of my body and learned to manage my stressors better. After all my body locking up was just a physical reaction to my extreme psychological fears. Without them, I can skate through it. Through my fears, through my thoughts...

Over time I was moving forward more easily but with added tension. Eventually my speed was increasing. Sometimes I had to stop over it. When I sang along to the music that was playing, I was doing much better. Maybe it had to do with the fact that skating required so much of my physical attention that my thoughts began to slip away and somehow it allowed me to deal with some things I've been struggling with. I was able to skate through it.

My thoughts sound the same as what I've told myself before, but this time it feels a little different. It's as if some subconscious epiphany has changed me. Of course, I can't prove it because it's all in my subconscious. That's just my intuition about it. What's in my past and what's behind me is there. I can't make it go away. But it feels nice to move forward, to feel the air around me. And that's what for the first time in a long time I want.

The more enjoyable moving forward is, the more comfortable I'm becoming about leaving my past behind me and even accepting the possibility that my future may not hold who I currently desire. And that's okay. I just have to skate through it.

My Mommy Loves Me

There's a popular saying that I find is often incomplete. "Blood is thicker than water... BUT LOVE IS MOST POWERFUL OF ALL." It's interesting how the last part is often left out. That notion that blood is thicker than water is an impersonal generalization that conveys an aspect of truth for some. While most of us talk in generalizations, when someone reminds us of it we seem well aware except in the case of this saying. Whenever someone tries to argue against blood is thicker than water, people ban together insisting on it as if it were the ultimate truth which is ignorant to me.

Child abusers, pedophiles, criminals, murderers, rapists, and so many horrible people are parents, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins... Things exist in this world that's unbelievably inhumane and we can't possibly understand why people are like that. There's so much we don't understand. And let's face it. We don't even know ourselves or even our family, not truly. Think about how much we all expertly keep from ourselves. We're bound to hide truths from the people around us. So for someone to tell me that the strongest bond only exists in blood ties are victims of their own projections.

I'm not saying this out of anger, resentment, or hostility. I'm no longer an emotional antsy teenager. I'm a level-headed, mature adult. I've had time to reflect on my past, the behaviors of my biological family and my own. I even talk to them now if that's what you call it. I don't feel what everyone's talking about with them. I've given up on trying to convince others who aren't interested in my perspective or experiences.

Not everything is made equal. I don't have that connection with my biological family, but I was fortunate enough to find one with my adoptive family. Much in the same way I hesitate to embrace when I'm happy, I keep myself at a distance from them. I feel like if I have no concrete evidence to be happy then embracing it will only become painful when the sadness sets in which has always been more real to me. The truth is happiness and sadness are emotions born from the same obscurity and abstraction. It's our perception that makes either one come to life more. Neither are truly tangible, so waiting around until I can feel, hold, and touch the happiness makes no sense.

Since I've created this blog, I've been saying that I'll embrace when I'm happy by expressing it and yet it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I ambiguously did just that. I created this blog two years ago. So this is going to take time, but I don't want to be absent in my mom and brother's life the way I have been all this time. Once I fully become aware of something, putting it into practice takes time. But it's a start.

I make excuses like we won't have anything to talk about, but the truth is every time I talk to them, we're never at a loss for words. I create irrational, inapplicable reasons to keep me in my "safe" zone. I just wish I had more to offer. I'm twenty seven with no boyfriend, no college credentials, no career path, and a limited background. But I got a text today from my mom saying that she loves me and is proud of the woman I'm becoming. Those qualities she's speaking of aren't based on superficial standards our society deems valuable; they're qualities that make me me. :)

I'm the only one seeing faults. I shouldn't stay away from them over it. Besides there's more at stake than me trying to keep myself safe where danger doesn't exist. My mom's going to have reconstructive knee surgery soon just in time for Thanksgiving... Knee surgeries are so delicate and can sometimes leave you worse off. She knows that. And Thanksgiving has always been a big deal for her, so it's going to pain her to have to sit this one out. I really should be there for her.

My brother and I talked about how we're going to be preparing Thanksgiving for her, and I can't even make it. I had exactly $30 leftover after I paid rent. Luckily I came into extra cash. Thank goodness for side hustle and my networking skills but not in time to secure a ticket back home. To make matters worse, I haven't been able to get a hold of my brother. Has he neglected to pay his cell phone or is it one of the crappy issues my phone is having? I think I'm going to close this entry out cuz it's starting to become depressing. My point is that my mom loves me for who I'm becoming, not the building components society deems valuable. :)

In the Spirit of New Energy! :)

I'm filled with variations of positive, good feelings! They're a little ambiguous in some areas more than others. All I know is that I'm in a happy mood and each time I get like this, I refrain from expressing it followed by a vow that I will, but this is the first time I'm fulfilling that promise. Hey, first time for everything right? I realize that it's silly to conceal, suppress, or deny these feelings out of fear cuz they're here one way or another and I might as well embrace it. But I want to refrain from over emphasis on one area and seek to bring balance into it, so please forgive me while I digress. I have every intent on keeping my word, and this isn't an attempt to avoid the subject. I simply find it valuable and conducive to channel my energy in a balanced manner.

I've been living in my first real own apartment for a year now, and I still haven't really made it my own. I guess old habits are hard to break. I've been procrastinating on decorating and taking baby steps probably the way I do with a lot of things. I'm afraid to get too comfortable only for it to be taken away from me. I have to ease myself into it, and I'm finally beginning to get a handle on it and find it be a delightful experience! :)

I have a mattress for a bed platform I got when I first moved in. I found two matching small IKEA tables when combined can turn into a coffee table in white. I painted them the same purple shade as the trim in my apartment and bought two more to match, repainted it and everything! :) I now have a better idea of how I want the skeletal decorating structure to be. On one corner I plan to have a couch and I already know which one to get. I just have to actually get it. LOL A neighbor who moved out gave me a painting canvas of purple tulips that I display sideways to be unique, and it's cool because the flowers were already tilted at an angle so it works.

In fact, it's starting to have a lot of significance for me. (So much so that I'm going to give this topic its own paragraph). Tulips naturally tilt towards the direction of the sun. The sun is positive; it's where things radiate. When the artwork is positioned correctly, it tilts to the side like it's bowing or going towards the direction of the ground. I want to reach the sky because that's where my dreams live. I want to capture them and hold them in my hands. There's more than one way to succeed and achieve your goals. There's no generalized instructional guide, and I seem to be someone who hardly fits into any standard category anyways. It's both a blessing and a curse. I love being differently, but it takes time finding the unknown, undetermined road that often has to be created from exactly where I stand and I have no idea where I'm going. It's frustrating as I see others succeed in their clear cut paths, and I don't even know where I'm going. But that's the beauty of this photo. It reaches up to the sky the way I want to but in a different and unconventional way. Sideways. You have to look at things differently to achieve results. There are a few alphabets that make it obviously that it's been repositioned from its original intent, but I'm thinking of re-stamping over it and making it my own. I'm not sure what letters to give it. I have a couple in mind, but I don't know if I want to give it that kind of attention or make it more internal. I'll have to think about that, but I love the idea that my mind is thinking of these things. For more creative entrepreneurs, this may not be too impressive, but I'm totally stoked!

I also have a mural I want painted on the first wall you see when you walk in. There's a box shelf I'm in the process of building that I need resized before I can complete the project. It's not going to be like a shadow box. There's going to be sliding or closing doors, so what's inside is concealed. Then I can place my crystals in there. I'll pull out whichever crystals speak to me at that moment because different crystals have different properties. It's also a great way to alternate my decorations according to my mood.

I discovered a wonderful site that I think everyone should explore before resorting to craigslist called freecycle.org. People advertise either what they want or what they want to get rid of for free. It's all free, using the site, posting, and the actual products! Isn't that great? Maybe I'm late to the game, but I'm in love with it. Today a very good friend of mine helped me pick up a six drawer dresser. I'm going to repaint it to the color I desire and stamp, decoupage, paint, stencil, sticker, whatever method I choose of select images I have in mind.

1. SEASHELL (because I'm a water sign, I'm very at home at the beach, and seashells remind me of them. :) The beach is so versatile. It can be a place to socialize, or be alone, it's family friendly, there's land and water. It's great! Seashells are fun and remind me of peace and calmness).

2. BUTTERFLY (symbolizes transformation - I fear the unknown, although I've become more open to it and am beginning to see its beauty. Even in what's lost, sometimes things must die to let new things flourish).

3. FLOWER (femininity, beauty, more than what the eye can see, duality, strength, endurance, fragility, softness, aesthetics, history).

4. HEART (for self-love, love of life, love of passion in whatever you do or the thing(s) that cause a spark in you, love for family and friends, love for humanity, love in romance, just love)

5. KEY/LOCK (This has double meaning. It's a key which means it's hidden and locked away which can be sad because when you want to get inside somewhere, you can't if you don't know where it is or where the key is. But not having the key at this present moment doesn't mean you can't obtain it. The fact that a key exists means there's a way to get in. Life is about exploring, discovering, and unlocking the mysteries of life, love, romance, and everything in between. This represents the key/lock to my heart, to life's passion, to my life's purpose, my career).

6. UNICORN (It's a magical creature. It's beautiful. It reminds me of hope and mysticism).

7. PISCES (I've spent most of my life being someone I'm not, even though I've prided myself on being an authentic person. I was emotionally detached which was true to who I was but that's because I distorted myself into someone I wasn't. In that distorted state, I was being genuine. But when I returned to my natural form, I discovered that I'm an emotional creature. That's okay. I'm resilient like water. I get premonitions. I feel the pain of others from time to time, and it allows me to help them. It's incredible. I don't want to hide away from it. I want to embrace it).

8. THIRD EYE (Part of being a Pisces is having a third eye, being intuitive, having premonitions. It's painful and frustrating at times, very bittersweet, but it's a part of me and I can't deny it).

9. WRITING UTENSIL (Writing has always been my outlet and for most of my life the only link to creativity. I'd be lost without it).

10.

11.

12.

I want these images on the dresser. 2 on each drawer. But the top drawers have this weird wave to them. In the past, I would've gotten frustrated by it. Now I'm intrigued and excited by this unpredictability that's going to force even more creativity and innovation. For now I'm going to place the tulip painting on top of the dresser and maybe I'll use an old picture frame, repainted, and decorated as a tray. It'd be different and pretty.

I've been so narrow minded with the idea that above the couch there should be specific artwork, but after realizing how many things I want done to such a small space, I'm realizing that I should place behind the couch wall a wall decal that says in cursive "Dare to Take a Chance and Dream". It's also a great place for me because I'll see it everyday. My home is no longer a social network but a sanctuary and a canvas I want filled with my dreams, desires, and positive energy to help me manifest my goals. So I want to display it where I have the most visual advantage. There's another spot that would also be of visual benefit but part of decorating in a small space is a requirement and expansion of creativity, as well as compromise and priority. An area closest to my bed I want to reserve for my TV. I plan to get a wall shelf and place my TV there. Voila!

And my last part is behind my bed. I have a bed platform but no headboard, so I want a mural of an Arabian door above my bed! <3 <3 <3 I want it to be a magical, almost Aladdin like feel. The images I've seen so far are too dull, boring, or tacky. I realized that I want expressions of my desires to be written in Braille! Yea yea! I love how different that is! And yet who knows, maybe readers of this blog will try it, too! :D That'd be awesome! I'd be totally flattered but so not the point!

I'm starting to embrace the fact that I have to take my time developing my career vision and goal, in order to attract and land a job that's right for me! Because like it or not, incompatible jobs just don't work out! I've attracted people in the nonprofit industry who I believe can bring me closer to my goal.

The guy I'm interested in doesn't feel the same way I do about him, although my feelings have steadily been "changing" too as a defense mechanism. I don't want to like someone who isn't interested in me, but I can see him becoming more and more interested and involved in me. That doesn't mean something will happen. I'm not blind to that. But for now I want to enjoy this feeling. I'm tired of giving up because I feel inadequate or out of fear that I'll get hurt. When I feel good and I feel a presence of something, I should give it the same amount of attention as I do negativity. That's all I'm saying! That's all for now folks!

I'm being kicked outta the library, so I had no time to proof read any of this. Hope it makes sense. Happy Halloween! Be safe! And by safe I worry less about poisoned candy and more about drunk driving, over partying, etc etc. Sigh maybe that's why I'm staying in tonight. I'm recovering from being sick and not eating for the past few days, so I welcome organizing my space with a new drawer! Yayayayayay!

No Longer a Public Warning

I was recently fired from a Fortune 500 company job with a lot of perks, my co-workers were a pleasure to be around, I lost a friend, and was threatened a restraining order as an attempt to keep me away from select places I enjoy (not because I was actually stalking someone). Yet all of these changes have left me feeling relieved, hopeful, receptive to the opportunities that are now open to me, and provided me with the peace of mind, clarity, and emotional balance or rightness so to speak that was lacking in the previous circumstance. When your intuition whispers to you that you belong somewhere else, explore the possibility. I found myself rationalizing my benefit of where I was as if I needed the reassurance. Every time I encounter this, some form of sabotage separates me from the path I'm on.

If I'm to break this destructive cycle, I have to create an unknown, unexplored path for a different outcome. Today I auditioned to be an extra and was told that I'm to call back tomorrow to see if I get the part. The woman said I have her vote. I won't know what'll come of it, and this isn't my dream career. But I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone and finally testing boundaries I've always been drawn to. This is a huge step.

I was asked by a good friend to do my astrological chart and I discovered that right now there's something in the stars that's making me particularly emotional, withdrawn, and depressed. I definitely sense it. Instead of embracing my emotional intensity, I've been trying to suppress it, ignore it, and choke through it as I go about my day. Not really knowing what's going on. Now that I do, my awareness is keeping me centered. I feel what's around me and as a result, I'm detaching myself so I can keep my ground. Knowledge is power.

The audition was for a part that's emotionally empowering and raw, so my state of mind was an asset. It's made me realize that we aren't always where we want to be in life, in our careers, with our friends, our relationships, our financial situations, physical health, or emotional well-being. But we are where we are. We can't force change. If we want something to be different, we have to work towards it. That takes time. The transition can be frustrating. We can help ourselves along the way by involving ourselves into a craft that matches where we are at the moment, making our curent situation a value.

Before this perspective I felt like I should be walking around with a public warning for my emotionally-fragile state. But I'm no longer a public warning. :)

Know Your Worth!!!

3 is a magical number for me and a learning experience came to me in increments of three. On the outside I may appear confident. I know how to carry myself and maintain a confident demeanor, but it's all a facade. If people only knew how insecure I really am. I'm not cocky or arrogant, but I portray myself confidently because I don't want to face my fears. What better way to avoid it than deny its existence by convincing everyone around me that it doesn't exist? Now I feel like all I do is whine, as though I'm making up for all those years of it lying doormat. I think it's healthy, though, because when I face it, I overcome it. I just have A LOT to overcome!

A really good friend of mine and an ex came to visit me recently. I always considered myself to be the topic of rebellion for him. I think every adolescent should go through a rebellious phase, even if the rebellion is directed towards something unhealthy because when we put our foot down and challenge authority, that's when we find ourselves. We learn to defend ourselves. We may not be executing that energy towards the right reasons, but it's good practice for when we grow up and need to demonstrate that kind of attitude for the right reasons. I just assumed that although he liked me a huge part of going out with me was so he can rebel against his friends and family who disapprove of our relationship because I'm not a good Christian girl.

Only recently did he reveal to me that he fell in love with me. I had no idea I made that kind of an impact in his life. Me being me won someone's heart. Who knew... He's now happily married. I love his wife and I'm glad they found each other. Deep down inside, though, I remember thinking that my insecurities run much deeper than superficial reasons. I always thought I wasn't pretty enough to win a guy over. Then I discovered that the woman he chose isn't nearly as attractive as I am. So even my looks aren't good enough. Someone of less physical attraction still has better qualities to me. And I felt horrible for feeling this way because I truly like her. She's such a great person and what I felt is insulting, condescending, disrespectful, and rude! I still felt it, though...

Anyways when my friend came to visit me, he said that his wife's on vacation. He began to miss her in a loving romantic sort of way. Sure sexual feelings were there, too. But as he began feeling that void of romanticism and intimacy, that bond you have with someone, he began to reminisce about me. There's nothing wrong with that! It's good to be able to look back on your relationship and think of happy memories. I thought he was just being critical of himself. But he admits to me that if he had stayed over, nothing would've happened cuz he loves his wife and he knows I wouldn't let anything happen. Still, he realized

A Breath of Fresh Air

I'm going to try and remember how I felt at that moment cuz I find it important.

I'm by the beach today. The cool breeze surrounds me and fresh air fills my lungs. The clear blue sky and the mellow yellow sun is having a relaxing effect on me. I feel this presence around me. It's the opposite feeling of the calm before the storm. What's that called? I've never had it before. It's this quiet contentment. It's like something amazing is waiting to happen as time and energy shifts to make room for something greater to evolve within existing confines. I get a text and it can mean one of two things. Before my panic creeps in, I see a sign that reassures me that it's the good message. And what an incredible sign that is. Of all the things to come across!

My First Entry and My First Inspired Entry of the 2011, Baby!

I had an amazing talk with a friend of mine this morning. After only my second day of giving up on my 7 am morning workout, I was laying in bed all lazy until I got an unexpected call from that really good friend who knows you really well and understands you because he's just as disturbed as you but is impossible to get a hold of. I guess he got a cell for Christmas? So he just gave me a call to give me his new number and we got to start talking about life.

When I think about it, I'm still amazed by how our friendship began. No matter how crappy my life gets, it's situations like these that remind me that there's a higher power. People are brought into our lives for a reason. We have a really altruistic friendship and it never fails that we come together whenever it's beneficial for us in our lives. I must admit that I'm proud of our progress. Two super detached people matriculating into the emotional human beings we're meant to be after years of our stubbornness wearing down and delayed wisdom finally sledgehammering into our pigheadedness to make us realize that it's good to be flawed, broken, emotional, and all the other things that make us human.

His biggest flaw is procrastination. The things he can overcome and achieve if only he can eradicate that virus that paralyzes him. It's a problem the same way my insecurities are. Even the greatest failures I can experience if only I dared to take a chance would be a greater success than what I allow my insecurities to shelter me from. It took me years to realize this because it's difficult for me to see the bigger picture, so it took years of unfavorable approaches to life before I knew there was anything wrong.

Now that I'm aware of it, I want to break the habits that infuse my insecurities and tangle up my dreams. I've been feeling that way for a while but today I realized that I have to expand my perception to do that. I don't want to waste any more years! So here's to old experiences seasoning my soul and channeling my energy towards a spiritually conducive next year and the following years to come!

I Want to Create Colorful Memories :)

I know I've been neglectful blogging, but I've been busy procrastinating unpacking, recovering from an injury, then a cold, becoming re-acquainted with my OCD....you know that kind of stuff. But I'm doing great. There are finally no more boxes at my place, just small amounts of clutter that have to be designated and organized. If only that would be the end, though...I have like six more boxes stored in my friends garage I have to rummage through. And I have two small chests and an air mattress. And a whole bunch of pretty purple decoratives but no real furniture! So alas I'll have to bed a new bed platform and a mattress because as grateful as I am that my friend gave me his air mattress, it deflates every couple of days!



I've been feeling uncertain about something that deep down I was too afraid to admit I knew the answer to and I finally got the clarity I needed. I wish so many barriers didn't exist in virtually every aspect of my life, but I'm just glad things are going well. I feel like I have to work on my template to enjoy my new life, which is a struggle but definitely the right direction! I guess it all depends on perspective. Part of me felt discouraged because of the unexpected road blocks but that's life. And I'm beginning to realize that it isn't the flashing neon obstructions that matter but the subtleties in life many of us forget to embrace. I want to create colorful memories!

Colorful memories is meaningful to me at the moment, but I want to create overall colorful memories, too! I want to decorate my walls. I want to explore my creativity, an unpracticed habit. I want to make my own space, create my little oasis, and find harmony in my world, something I've never had before and it's something I feel could honestly happen. But in order for that to happen I have to get to work on time. If I screw up even once before April of next year, I lose my job! Why am I always walking on a jump rope?

*Didn't have time to edit this so if it's all garbled up, that's why!

I'm Happy :) Day 284

I really want to take the time to remember and record this feeling because this blog is supposed to be a reflection of my emotional state of being. Some of my most powerful entries are channeled through my pain and struggles, but my happiness is sparse at best. It's difficult for me to express it, but it's important for me to have balance and learn to fluently express all of my emotions. I feel bad to take advantage of my happiness and use it as a tool. Yet I don't hesitate to splash my pain and turn it into art.

I don't want to elaborate too much partially due to my insecurities and doubts but also to the person involved. I try my best to keep everyone private, but not everyone can successful stay anonymous. As much as this entry is for me, it's exposed to the eyes of others. I can't forget that and it's something I never really let myself forget, but one thing I constantly struggle to remember is that this blog is for me and when I'm happy, it's for me to share and enjoy. It's interesting how I feel the need to express myself when I'm in a mood like this. Why can't I just enjoy it without choking on words?

Something happened that's been leading up to this for a year now, although it didn't always seem like it. Life was adamant to show me that you can't fight your feelings and some things aren't better left untouched. I've been getting so many premonitions about what it would be like if we got together and it made my head spin. Now that something's started, the visions have subsided. It's almost as if the universe was trying to lead me down this path and now that I finally began it, it's letting us call the shots. All I know now is that I'm happy.

My New Loves, Day 254

Timing is a truly magical experience that defines so much of our future. It's a powerful source that can either have this amazing life impact or feel like one of the most damaging tools the universe utilizes to brutalize us depending on how it affects us and how we choose to perceive it as. Last year I chose to work somewhere else than where I am now. After being in financial ruins, damaging my beautiful high credit rating, and resorting to a lifestyle that young adults have, I developed friendships I wouldn't trade for the world. Sometimes I feel like they don't feel the same and it hurts me, but above all else, I appreciate having known them and the way they changed me.

Everything happens for a reason. I may not understand why. I may be unhappy with the circumstance. But sometimes things happen and it makes me unbelievably grateful for all that's happened. Where I work now is far from stable, secure, or gratifying. I'm constantly on eggshells about my employment and on edge about haters who target me. But I love the people I met at work.

Even the trainers have observed what a close bond we had and they've conducted many training programs over the years. My friend once described us as his new luvs and I couldn't agree more. We've become this work family. You know when you meet people and it's just so natural to care and look out for them as though they've always been a part of you? That's how it is, and I love how receptive everyone is to this reality because I don't feel alone or awkward by over-caring in proportion to how briefly we've known each other.

One friend posted on facebook: "I really have to say that our training class was filled with all kinds of special people and we all made some type of impact on each other's lives in a good way, too. I did not walk out of that class not liking anyone and I am truly blessed to have met every one of you all! The friendships that I have made I am definitely going to keep! You can only find people like this once in a lifetime!" When we were talking she elaborated that we developed a unique and meaningful relationship with each person and we've made a positive impact on each other's lives. It's so true and amazing!

We talk about it all the time, and it's nothing my words can ever carry over which is both sad and appreciated because it's not the kind of experience that second hand reading should ever emulate. It's too meaningful for anyone to feel through words. That'll just cheapen the experience for those of us who are a part of it. It's too powerful for words to contain. On the other hand, it's sad because so many people go through life not meeting people like this. It's very much a bittersweet circumstance, and I feel so honored to be a part of it.

There are a few people who stand out to me more than others and you guys know who you are. I don't have to describe each and every single one of you guys to know that I love you. Ever since my friend wrote you guys are my new luvs I've been wanting to dedicate an entry to my work family, but I never got around to it until now. I'm really happy with the timing, too, because although as I've already stated it's a bond I can never quite share so to speak, I'm more connected to what I'm writing now than last month because relationships have grown and bonds have deepened.

I wrote this extensive email out describing why I began this blog and how I selectively chose people to share this blog with. It was detailed and I feel like I gave a part of myself by expressing what I did, but I mass emailed everyone. It, by no means, makes it any less personal, though. I met some new people in my life who I knew I wanted to share my blog with. One friend, in particular, seemed so genuinely interested and passionate in the idea of my blog. It really touched me, but I've hesitated in sharing this blog because I'm not as proud of my recent entries as I'd like to be.

After a couple months of promising to share this blog with him and him patiently waiting, he emailed me about it. I apologized for the delay and made both myself and him a promise that within two paychecks I'll share this blog with him. That would give me enough time to add some new entries and if I don't, I'll still move forward in sharing this blog. As much as I try to make this blog a place for me to express myself, explore the emotional aspects of me I've sheltered myself from, and a way for me discover and define myself, it's still a bit of a performance, too. That's an undeniable reality that drives me as a writer to better myself, to push myself, but it can also be a dangerous incentive for my emotional growth. I want to be proud of my writing and I want to write in a way that impresses people. However I shouldn't let those insecurities keep me from sharing this blog especially to people I knew almost instantly that I wanted to share these with.

One of my favorite emails I've ever gotten:

Sounds like a case of writers block… Just take your time with it, never force an entry. Be inspired when you write, I know that your gifted with the talent to write (I could just tell by your speech and your emails), so no need to press any harder than what your talent allows… Sometimes you need to fall back, absorb, and relax. But please, don’t feel obligated… I JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT YOUR MADE OF ;-)

How awesome is that? Now is it any wonder why we're all so close? And the purple's international. He indicated so. If I had written about my new loves earlier, how much they mean to me would've still been evident. But with every action there's a consequence. I'm really loving that. I wish they all know how much I love them!