Monday, August 15, 2011

Know Your Worth!!!

3 is a magical number for me and a learning experience came to me in increments of three. On the outside I may appear confident. I know how to carry myself and maintain a confident demeanor, but it's all a facade. If people only knew how insecure I really am. I'm not cocky or arrogant, but I portray myself confidently because I don't want to face my fears. What better way to avoid it than deny its existence by convincing everyone around me that it doesn't exist? Now I feel like all I do is whine, as though I'm making up for all those years of it lying doormat. I think it's healthy, though, because when I face it, I overcome it. I just have A LOT to overcome!

A really good friend of mine and an ex came to visit me recently. I always considered myself to be the topic of rebellion for him. I think every adolescent should go through a rebellious phase, even if the rebellion is directed towards something unhealthy because when we put our foot down and challenge authority, that's when we find ourselves. We learn to defend ourselves. We may not be executing that energy towards the right reasons, but it's good practice for when we grow up and need to demonstrate that kind of attitude for the right reasons. I just assumed that although he liked me a huge part of going out with me was so he can rebel against his friends and family who disapprove of our relationship because I'm not a good Christian girl.
Only recently did he reveal to me that he fell in love with me. I had no idea I made that kind of an impact in his life. Me being me won someone's heart. Who knew... He's now happily married. I love his wife and I'm glad they found each other. Deep down inside, though, I remember thinking that my insecurities run much deeper than superficial reasons. I always thought I wasn't pretty enough to win a guy over. Then I discovered that the woman he chose isn't nearly as attractive as I am. So even my looks aren't good enough. Someone of less physical attraction still has better qualities to me. And I felt horrible for feeling this way because I truly like her. She's such a great person and what I felt is insulting, condescending, disrespectful, and rude! I still felt it, though...
Anyways when my friend came to visit me, he said that his wife's on vacation. He began to miss her in a loving romantic sort of way. Sure sexual feelings were there, too. But as he began feeling that void of romanticism and intimacy, that bond you have with someone, he began to reminisce about me. There's nothing wrong with that! It's good to be able to look back on your relationship and think of happy memories. I thought he was just being critical of himself. But he admits to me that if he had stayed over, nothing would've happened cuz he loves his wife and he knows I wouldn't let anything happen. Still, he realized

Sunday, August 14, 2011

A Little of Everything?

I'm not sure where to start. I was considering breaking down my entries, but then I worry what if I don't have the energy to address them all? But covering all of them in a single entry, I feel more receptive to it. Plus I'm more inclined to write entries that focus less on me and I don't want to fulfill that temptation when talking about myself is most important.

~Know Your Worth (which will be its own entry cuz of its significance)

~Isolation, Alone, Lonely

~Parental Priority

~Splash of Hope

~The Other One

Since I've been thinking about my life

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Splashes of Hope

"Splashes of hope is all you need to flood and drown your doubts. But you gotta turn the faucet on."

I just created that quote. And considering what just happened and what I'm going through, some may worry that it's a dangerous path I'm walking. I'm not convoluted. I didn't create this quote to create a false sense of hope to suffocate reality or truth. In fact, a truth I may never truly know isn't even the case right now. Sometimes it's just better to let things go, and that's what I plan to do.

Since it's me, yes, I'm doing it to sabotage any hope or possibility that may or may not exist right now in my life. But this quote isn't about that. It's about hope in general that I constantly ignore. I was watching Pink's Fuckin' Perfect music video and saw that girl turn her failed test score F into a funny face. She turned something negative and re-transformed it. That's what i want to turn this experience into. Take that hope from this experience and instead of reinvesting it into that, I'm going to take it and use it for something greater, more powerful.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Do What's Best for Me

I've recently began focusing and channeling my abilities to manifest my desires but rather than it being a catch all of bullshit, I've learned to be selective in what I attract. There are still some kinks to work out, but I'm beginning to make progress and am rather proud of myself. I'm seeking a job in an office-support position as front desk, Receptionist, Clerical Assistant, Clerk Typist, or Administrative Assistant position.

I'm tired of struggling with how I feel. I want a job that pays more than minimum wage because it's more than the low salary but what the low salary symbolizes. I have to have a job that shows me that I'm viewed as more capable than what I could've obtained as an adolescent. Knowing my worth is something I've neglected for so long, and it's had a toxic effect on my self-esteem. I'm not proud that I'm surviving off of unemployment but I can afford to have higher standards, so I'm going to take advantage of this opportunity I never had before.

A friend referred me to a job that I wanted to obtain initially. The pay is great and competitive enough that other companies may not offer me such a generous salary. But I want to guard against those thoughts because I don't want my thoughts to create a reality that supports them. With that said, I had to address it so that I may refute it. Even as a part-time worker, I obtain immediate benefits (vision and medical). That's great!

I got my foot in the door because of the influence my friend carries, but the interview was a success because of how I demonstrated myself. My experience. The answers I provided. I've never been so loved before. After the interview, my friend reminded me to send them a thank you. I snapped with a "Thanks for asking if my interview went well!" He textes me back "went well" I had to ask him if he was telling me or asking me. He says "telling you." Yayayayayayay! I had to email them a copy of my resume and before I could even get to a computer, both interviewers called to remind me and to let me know of a 20 minute phone interview coming up.

There was a weird intermission there. I received a voicemail regarding the phone interview and to please call back the recited phone number. That line requested I call another number which sounded like an entertainment line, so I hung up. I hope I don't get charged for that! So I wasn't able to conduct a phone interview until the following day. I was given the incorrect standardized time. I wonder if that was a sign... Anyways the next time the same person called but requested I call back an entirely different phone number. A phone interview was scheduled and before that phone call even came through, one of the interviewer's called me to check on my status.

Wow! Could I have really been that great or are they that desperate? Is there a difference? Does it really matter?

Well unsurprisingly I got the job! Well I have to pass the background and urine test but once that's complete and I should pass that without a problem, I'm hired! My first day is near the end of the month which gives me enough time to seek other choices. I was under the impression I would be working 25 hours a week, but the offer was for 20 hours a week.

After making some calculations, I discovered that 20 hours a week is infeasible. I'll make less than what unemployment offers me. While part-time workers are eligible for unemployment, the compensation will be so sparse that it's unrealistic to support myself. I'm barely eating as it is! I can't afford to eat less than one meal a day! My EBT has already been reduced to $14 a month.

I won't even be able to get food from food banks because of what the schedule would be like. It's far from where I live, and it doesn't pay me well enough. Because of the commute time, I won't be able to obtain a second job. Nor will I be able to go to a food bank to keep myself nourished. I've already accepted jobs that stretched me out too thinly, and my health gets severely jeopardized. I can't and shouldn't do that again all because I'm worried about ruining my friend's reputation within the company.

I don't want this to reflect badly on him but to not get paid enough and to travel the distance as hunger takes over my life is something I refuse to go through again. I'm proceeding with this acceptance, but I have a short window period to obtain a position much closer to where I live with a more realistic salary.

I really want to work part-time and stay afloat, so I can focus on my goals. But in order to do that, my salary has to reach certain requirements. Even if it doesn't and I really don't want that possibility I'm acknowledging to expand into reality, it's acceptable if it's closeby. I'll be able to go to local food banks to support myself. And if I work part-time nearby and I don't make enough money, I'm also eligible for unemployment and a higher EBT compensation.

With this other job, I make just enough to not qualify for necessary services to stay afloat and not enough to make it on my own. My fear is that if I decline this offer, what if another one doesn't come by again? That's the kind of negative thought I have to squash! I have an opportunity to be scrupulous. I shouldn't let my fears influence me into making the same decisions I've always made which has kept me from making progress in my life.

What an enlightening and cathartic process blogging is. I knew all of this, but all the excess cluttered thoughts made it difficult for the important reasons to speak. Now I get it. I have an interview on Monday closer to where I live. I was told details of the location will be emailed to me, but I've yet to receive it. I'm starting to worry if it's because they didn't notice my middle initial in my email address, an unfortunate common mistake. Well for now I should just focus on sending positive energy. There's still time for them to send me the detail. And I have until Monday. Wish me luck everyone!

Thursday, August 11, 2011


I'm one step closer to my goals. When I focus my energy and channel it, the things I want manifest. Now that I'm more conscientious about exactly what I want to manifest, it's productive. My interview went well with my friend reminding me to send a thank you letter. He neglected to ask me how the interview went and told me it went well. I had to ask, "Are you telling me or asking me?" He says telling you. Yay! Both interviewers called me to remind me to send an updated resume and was reminded of an upcoming 20 minute interview. I even received a phone call today to see when my interview was and was requested to let them know after I complete the interview. I believe the phone interview went well, too! :)

And when you attract one type of energy, they all come flocking. My friend called me up for a catering event, too. Two other companies called to ask me about employment also. And I found potential tutoring work. Let's not forget the Appointment Setter position two blocks away from where I live. I'm trying to focus my energy into this.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Be Exposed

Ironically I just created a facebook note for why I've withdrawn for writing incessant posts about asinine activities just to distract people so they won't ask questions. Writing just to write is pointless. When I write on this blog, it's more than just type written words. But I'm not making it nearly as cathartic as I should be out of fear that certain people will be exposed except they're anonymous! Not to mention the people who know already know and the people who don't don't. Anonymity still exists. It'll also keep me honest cuz I'll keep the relevant people informed. And I really need this. Bottling this up is killing me! It's too much and I can't take it anymore.

There's a guy and I've liked him forever. I don't think I've ever liked a guy for as long as I've liked him. -____- I began having premonitions of us together before I even knew he was interested in me. I wasn't even sure I believed what I was seeing were premonitions or disturbingly elaborate and intricate imaginations. It began as images and feelings. Almost like snapshots. Eventually they became longer. And one night I saw a dizzying three premonitions rapidly one after another.

1. He and I get together, but it doesn't work out cuz I'm not over my ex. I hurt him. Things end badly. We slept together a couple times, and he started to have deep feelings for me. It was self-sabotaging because I need him in the future, and he's not there for me. I believe that relates to the premonitions cuz he really helped me with them. I never told anyone about them, and he just knew I was suffering with them and assured me that I had someone to talk to. His support meant the world to me.

2. I wait until I get over my ex, and I'm too late. He gets together with someone else. We remain good friends, but that's it. I still have feelings for him, though. I don't do anything about it, of course, but still... and I was at a bus station crying. He rushes over to make sure I'm okay. I'm squatting in a corner crying, and he comes over to give me a hug. His intentions were completely platonic and that of a friend, but it made me like him even more. I can't imagine him being that person to me, though. In this premonition, he had his old car which got totaled in an accident. That premonition didn't come to light.

3. I wait until I get over my ex and it happens in a timely manner. Things work out. Initially when I had that awareness, I never knew what "works out" meant and I still don't. But I was defensively quick to state that it doesn't mean getting married, white picket fence good. Now I'm not so sure cuz I've seen premonitions of our unborn daughter and as it turns out, he's had his own intuitive experience about our children. That's the last thing I expected him to reveal to me.

I've liked this guy for years. It's the first time I've ever liked anyone so deeply and for so long that I wasn't with. Since then I've seen way more premonitions of us - picnicking, premonition porno, interactions with his family, moving in together, discussing how we would and could clash, the things I do that'd put him off, brief but significant moments. And then there's Izzy. Our daughter.

It's My Turn!

I'm not saying I'm not selfish or inconsiderate, but I spend so much time caring and showing concern for my friends. I invest so much time and energy supporting and encouraging them to be conducive for their self-growth, even at my own expense. I exhaust myself in the process. I even remove myself from the equation when I think it'll help them in succeeding their goals because I serve as a distraction.

It devastates me to see my friends suffer. But when I suffer, I don't notice it and I'm used to it. I'm now 27 and I'm still single. I come off so adamant, dominant, and confident. I'm expressive, so people don't realize how much I hold back. I vocalize superficial stuff like I want to eat here, I think this, my opinion on this is this.... things that won't burden them if I impose my preferences over theirs. When it comes to revealing a part of myself that terrifies me and can lead to my happiness, I hide in the shadows behind excuses and sometimes even twisting other peoples' words so I can stay hidden and unexposed. Sometimes to be happy, though, I have to express myself.

John Mayer's Say

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems...

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

It's better to say too much
Than never say what you need to say

I'm finally beginning to understand that. Hesitating cuz someone might not want to hear it or might not be receptive, a possibility I can neither confirm or deny only keeps me behind. It's time I step up. I believe that the energy we give off is the energy we attract. The clearer we are to the universe, the more likely it is to reciprocate and assist us in our goals and desires. I need to start articulating especially the things I fear the most. Yes, it's possible I could say the wrong thing and ruin everything. But mistakes offer the most valuable lessons. I'm tired of learning, but clearly I still have a lot to learn.

And what if I don't make a mistake? There's always that possibility. I can't predict outcomes, so basing my decisions on potential sabotage consequence isn't worth it. I always hesitate out of fear I'll mess something up and I haven't gotten very close to what I want. So obviously I need to take a new approach.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

What Truly Matters

There were two topics I wanted to blog about today, but I chose to focus my energy on the manifestation entry. I'm glad I did because it felt rather ambiguous, so I wasn't sure if it was worth the attention because it wasn't quite developed, but I think that's sort of the point. Manifesting my desires with focus and selectivity requires attentiveness and precision I'm not fully familiar with yet. So it's understandable that something I haven't quite experienced won't be conveyed with vivid complexity. What's important is that I give it attention and put energy into it so that it can develop and strengthen over time. Create. Manifest.

I also have some other concerns plaguing me. Inception. A conceptualization of a single thought that mutates in your mind like a virus. No, I'm not referring to the movie. This is in reference to my own life. I need to be selective in what I express because once the words leave my lips, I no longer own them and I can never take them back. If I express my concerns to the wrong person, they can just as quickly and absentmindedly articulate a single thought that contaminates my mind. And thus the inception takes root.

It's taken me a long time to feel confident and secure in myself, to feel like I make an impact in peoples' lives, that my absence will cause an emptiness and pain in my loved ones' hearts. I'm slowly beginning to realize the significance of my presence. When I became more open and vocal about my feelings, I began attracting people who did the same. And it's through this altruistic process that I began to realize my worth as others supported and showed me. But such awareness takes time and there are some things I'm more insecure about than others, and it blinds me from the signs that reveal the truth out of fear that I could be wrong.

Sometimes I struggle with being unemployed because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough to obtain a job I'm qualified for because there's something else wrong with me or that I'm not fulfilling. The only jobs I get offered are the ones I could've gotten as a teenager with no experience. I decline these offers but not just out of pride. The inner voice is telling me that I need to be receptive to what I deserve and to do that, I have to be available. It's a huge step that I'm trusting myself, while appearing to the outside world that I'm too prideful to accept a job when I need one.

Studies have shown that people inherit natural talents, and the people happiest are the ones that find careers that harness those talents. But spending so much of my life being emotionally-detached, I feel like I've hidden myself from myself. So how am I to know what my natural talents are? Even natural talents sometimes takes a lifetime to reveal, and I'm just now exploring for it.

Writing. Edgy Empathy. Altruism. Motivation. Encouragement. Providing People with Direction. Projecting Self-Reliance. These are my natural talents. I want to incorporate it into a nonprofit. But I have no idea what steps to take. There seems to be this disconnect during the development process and transitioning state because there's a wealth of information available once you have the answers to make it happen. But there's an essential step that must follow once an idea forms. I have ideas but creating it is a blur. It's like you need existing knowledge to make it happen, but the existing knowledge can't form until what you want to build is there first. Yet you can't take those steps without the other. And the cycle perpetuates.

The truth is right now I'm avoiding the inception that's really eating away at me as an effective distraction. I can never know another person's thoughts, and I'm grateful for that. But that also allows growth for my insecurities to seep into my thoughts. That's why it's essential to be positive, to be aware and conscientious of the difference I make in peoples' lives, and surround myself with things and people that support and encourage my growth. Balance and reality is also important, but I think I have negativity, criticism, and an awareness for my weaknesses dangerously over developed. Now it's time to strengthen the neglected, other half.

I've been wondering how I'm perceived and questioning if my intentions, sincerity, and gestures are conveyed, acknowledged, or even reciprocated, as though they're a sign of validation, which is truly unhealthy and so not the point. Through a series of these thoughts, seeds of doubts and fear silently develop. When that happens, there's nothing more comforting than a friend opening up to me and asking for my advice about a delicate topic. Asking is a sign that my judgment and intuition is trusted and valued but an expression of gratitude makes an even greater difference. It reminds me that even in the midst of my own doubts, others believe in me. And these are people whose judgment I trust and value greatly. So it speaks volumes that they regard me highly. So I thank you.

Channeling my Manifestation Powers

I have an influential energy, and I can have power over people. My aura reveals that I have an unusual ability to manifest my desires. My friend has this habit of saying I have a strong will, and it's true. When I realized what I wanted to do with my life, I began to attract people within the same field almost instantly. We're talking in a matter of a couple days. I went to the library and picked up a Nonprofit for Dummies book. Every time I opened that book, people approached me including a grant writer.

I discovered that when you discover your passion, your energy is intense and people sense it. There's this magnetic pull that people gravitate towards. But the problem is that without control and discernment, it's this catch all and can become a breeding ground likes flies that consume a surrounding space. When I really want something like a job, for instance, opportunities present itself. I find myself intuitively knowing which jobs aren't the most conducive to me, but it's always the easy stuff that comes along first. I make the mistake of immersing myself in the first chance I get which isn't ideal for me that I become distracted and the better suited opportunities escape me.

I never had to learn how to attract opportunities. If I want something enough, it presents itself. Lately I've become conscientious that I need to be more scrupulous in my opportunities. I could tell that it was going to take time to develop, and I wasn't even sure how to make it happen. Little by little, it's just naturally starting to happen. It's building, but I can tell it isn't complete yet. I'm trying not to be impatient, and it's easier than I thought it'd be. But I wonder when things will start falling into place.

I guess being a networker, I find myself attracting people conducive to my self-growth and it's with their assistance that I'll be able to grow and evolve. But I still have my reservations and uneasiness of taking advantage of their help, despite the irrefutable fact that that's why they were brought into my life and will be more than willing to aid me, because I feel like I'm using them. And I know I have to get over that because I don't mind when people ask for my help. So I'm attracting like energy. If I'm ever to grow, I need to get over myself.

This is probably one of my more vague entries, and I'm not really sure why, but I felt like this is something I should give attention to, even in its ambiguity. I have desires to grow, evolve, learn, manifest, create, and have lasting, ever changing experiences. I want to be selective and scrupulous. I want to surround myself with positive energy. I want good-natured people in my life, honest, humble, caring, generous, helpful, creative, ambitious, inspiring, and admirable. And I want my presence to have a beneficial impact in their lives, too.