Tuesday, August 9, 2011

It's My Turn!

I'm not saying I'm not selfish or inconsiderate, but I spend so much time caring and showing concern for my friends. I invest so much time and energy supporting and encouraging them to be conducive for their self-growth, even at my own expense. I exhaust myself in the process. I even remove myself from the equation when I think it'll help them in succeeding their goals because I serve as a distraction.

It devastates me to see my friends suffer. But when I suffer, I don't notice it and I'm used to it. I'm now 27 and I'm still single. I come off so adamant, dominant, and confident. I'm expressive, so people don't realize how much I hold back. I vocalize superficial stuff like I want to eat here, I think this, my opinion on this is this.... things that won't burden them if I impose my preferences over theirs. When it comes to revealing a part of myself that terrifies me and can lead to my happiness, I hide in the shadows behind excuses and sometimes even twisting other peoples' words so I can stay hidden and unexposed. Sometimes to be happy, though, I have to express myself.

John Mayer's Say

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems...

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

It's better to say too much
Than never say what you need to say

I'm finally beginning to understand that. Hesitating cuz someone might not want to hear it or might not be receptive, a possibility I can neither confirm or deny only keeps me behind. It's time I step up. I believe that the energy we give off is the energy we attract. The clearer we are to the universe, the more likely it is to reciprocate and assist us in our goals and desires. I need to start articulating especially the things I fear the most. Yes, it's possible I could say the wrong thing and ruin everything. But mistakes offer the most valuable lessons. I'm tired of learning, but clearly I still have a lot to learn.

And what if I don't make a mistake? There's always that possibility. I can't predict outcomes, so basing my decisions on potential sabotage consequence isn't worth it. I always hesitate out of fear I'll mess something up and I haven't gotten very close to what I want. So obviously I need to take a new approach.

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