Tuesday, December 18, 2012

In Better Spirits

As some of you may know, I haven’t been in the healthiest state and it’s affected my mood and how I process information. I’m usually exceptional tolerant, patient, and I’m naturally good at not getting sucked into negative confrontations with friends. Unfortunately we all have our moments, and I’ve recently had mine. But I’m happy to report that I’m in better spirits! J

I’m returning to my normal self. I’m encouraging, supportive, perceptive, and intuitive towards my friends. I’m considerate and thoughtful. I began cooking again. I made simple pasta with thinly sliced Brussels sprouts and bacon in half and half cream sauce. It was yummy! Today I made sautéed kale and carrots with baked fish and quinoa. I’m not sure about quinoa, but every other ingredient I used has anti-inflammatory effects which will do my health good.

I went back to my place and felt inspired to clean. I swept everything and one side of my apartment actually looks neat. I still have other corners to tackle, but all in all I’m satisfied. Yesterday I had the opportunity to work on my art journal but never got around to it. I’d like to take the time to do it today. I’m not sure what my evening looks like, but I have a pretty good idea what it might be and I’m looking forward to it. J

Give It Meaning and Purpose

It’s finally resonated with me that I must customize my decisions and be scrupulous in the work I take on. Registering to become an extra has been something I’ve been procrastinating on completing, but I’m glad I finally got started. It’s fun. But a part me allowed myself to taint the fun I was having due to my insecurities. Being an extra is a lot of fun, but it’s very menial work. It doesn’t require a lot of intelligence and anyone can do it. It made me feel inadequate that the only job I’ve been successful at thus far is something children can perform…

I didn’t give this thought much power, but it has entered my mind, that as time progressed and I became comfortable with the amount of workflow provided, if I’m not careful it’ll disappear because I’m not meant to do this. And every time I participate in something that isn’t conducive to my path for too long, it falls apart. That’s the last thing I want. I shared my concern with a friend who quickly dismissed this idea. She’s worked with me and knows me well as a friend and has observed that I’ve never been this happy where I’ve worked before.

It reminded me that I’m allowed to have fun and embrace this. But unlike my friend I’m still worried that if I’m not careful this job I love so much could fall apart. However, my friend’s astute observation has transformed my energy. My ultimate goal is to become a holistic nutrition coach, and I don’t want to deviate from that. It’s so easy to become distracted.

My friend said she can see me combining my two passions – holistic nutrition within the extra world. It actually makes a lot of sense and one of the things I enjoy so much about being an extra is I share my passion with others and several people have asked for my insights. One girl was genuinely encouraging and said she’d pay me to get insights on holistic nutrition! ^.^ Something about her sincerity has really touched me.

It occurred to me that jobs only fall apart when they become a distraction and therefore unproductive. If I stay focused on my goals by incorporating extra work as a stepping stone to achieve my desire to become a holistic nutrition coach, I believe the universe will assist me in my path. I’d like to get work a few times a week with long shifts. It’s not guaranteed but I’m going to manifest it! J It’s important my rent is covered and the remaining will be saved towards the cost of tuition! J Yay! I have the discipline and focus to not get distracted, so it shouldn’t be too difficult. But I do intend on enjoying sushi at one point. However it’ll be a rare indulgence! 

The Liberation in Truth

After my last entry, I had quite a bit to contemplate about. I finally admitted and accepted shortcomings I’ve spent most of my time denying or ignoring. I had a cathartic and insightful conversation with a good friend of mine when I expressed my concerns to her. Recap: I find that I have a retention problem and jobs I should be able to keep not working out as a result of my performance, performance issues I shouldn’t have.

She postulated that perhaps I deliberately sabotage these jobs because they aren’t meant for me and I’m desperate to escape them. That makes perfect sense! After all the problems that result in my termination only surface in the workplace such as debilitating memory issues, which under normal circumstances are fine. It’s amazing how when things become clear, the fog lifts and we feel lighter. It doesn’t change my challenges because I still need to make an income and if I continue down this path, the situation will perpetuate and I certainly don’t want that. But I’m beginning to realize the value of customization.

I have to be more selective in the jobs I apply for. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I keep applying for the same types of jobs that don’t work out. I can be frustrated that I can’t hang on to them because it is, but I need to be productive with my time.

I don’t choose to sabotage these jobs, but they continue to occur. I see the sabotage as a child acting out. It’s frustrating when I’m my own source of destruction and I’m unable to reason with myself, but it also serves a valuable lesson because it’s forcing me to look at other areas of opportunities that would be more conducive for me. I’m not meant to be trapped in an office-support position long-term.

I have that “look.” I appear professional and am well-placed in a corporate environment, but I have a rush of energy which over time crashes. I’ve always been like that and as much as I wish I had a steadier source of discipline and stamina, it’s best for me to accept how I operate and act accordingly because I’m me; no one else. It’s incredibly liberating to come to terms with this.

I wasted so much energy feeling inadequate for not being able to execute what others seem to do well that I never focused on the strengths that come with my circumstance. By being open and honest with myself, I also came to terms with some other areas of weaknesses that are important to address.

They all came to me through different sources like puzzle pieces I had to put together. My mother told me that “you can’t be successful at an entry-level job with a senior management mentality.” Who knew that being told I’d be a failure would be such welcome news. Something about that statement had an intrinsic effect on me that it made me receptive to some of the other things she’s said so many times before that I’ve dismissed such as I’m meant to be in business for myself.

Some people have a natural knack for business; I’m not one of them. Business schools are available, but I find that people who have a natural talent are the best at it, which isn’t to say people who engage in professional training are any less capable. I just don’t even find business to be appealing that I can’t imagine being suited for it. But I’m beginning to realize how crippling my mentality is; I think too much in terms of absolutes.

When I shared my concerns and ideas with my friend, she told me that I don’t learn quickly enough according to my intellectual level and personality. That is so true! I find myself resentful because I get scrutinized for my learning curve, while others are tolerated for their delays. But the difference is that I’m more intelligent than the others, so the expectation that others have of me are much higher. And when I don’t meet them, consequences follow. It’s an example of when my intelligence is a disadvantage.

She and I have worked together and are good friends, so she understands how I am. She recognizes my intelligences but is also aware of my learning speed. It’s not particular a proud moment, but by becoming aware of this, I’m giving myself an advantage because I can refine my job searches to positions that don’t require me to learn something in a shorter amount of time. By selecting jobs I can perform well, it’s the best situation for everyone involved.

I used to believe that people who accepted and “settled” for their weaknesses did it because it was too difficult for them to deal with their shortcomings. But now I realize that we all have shortcomings and the people who succeed are the ones who channel their strengths. I’m doing no one any good by dwelling on my faults because when I embrace my strengths, I’m able to help others and that’s a powerful thing.