Manifestations on the Rise

I know I've been doormat for a while. But while I was neglecting my blog, life was happening all around me. The uncertainties and ambiguous health concerns as well as some intense emotional experiences left me feeling weak and helpless, but my body has an internal reset button. I hate to feel devastated, so much so that I have an unhealthy habit of suppressing my feelings. I do that because I can't bear the pain. Over the years I've discovered the danger of not dealing with my feelings and since I haven't had much practice coping with them, I feel like I struggle with it more than others. When it gets intolerable, my body just normalizes. I hit rock bottom and it's as if all my tears, pain, and sadness flush out of me and the water rises me to the top. I felt refreshed in some ways.

I'm pursuing modeling. It's something I've always been interested in but never gave attention to cuz either I wasn't very motivated or didn't have the time. Since it seems like every 9-5 job slips away from me and as much as I hate to admit it, so is my memory to the point that I'm having a difficult time even keeping basic jobs that it's a good opportunity to explore this realm. I feel like the universe is rewarding me in this path cuz already I've met five photographers in a matter of two months. I've had two photo shoots and have another one scheduled for tomorrow, one on Saturday, and I have to make appointments with three other photographers. These are all free, too!

Eventually I'll need compensation, of course but I like that I'm not losing money in an attempt to make money. It's an altruistic benefit. I just have to move forward from here once I gather everything I need to do just that. It's a bit frustrating cuz I want to create profiles online and I'm unable to complete the task cuz I'm not understanding how to save photos or upload them properly due to its size, etc. Fortunately pretty much all of the photographers have been exceptionally helpful, so I feel I can ask them for assistance.

So much has happened and I'm not really sure I'm inclined to record it all. It seems like a chore. But basically here goes! I stalked (yes stalked) my former English professor who now lectures at a different college from where I attended. With my health scare, it's made me examine my priorities. I've bounced around from one interest to another - writing, holistic nutrition coach, modeling, etc. While all of these capture my attention, writing has been a life long passion of mine and the only reason I haven't put together an adequate amount of publishable material is well....that's what I'm trying to discover. No actually that's what I'm trying to change.

As I thought more about this, I intuitively realized who I should seek out. Of course I could always email him and I imagine he would've been receptive, but taking the initiative and asking someone for assistance in my writing project is more likely to result in success if I do it in person. I'm so fortunate that he's receptive, enthusiastic, and has agreed to help me. I didn't go into detail but explained to him that I have a health concern I'm dealing with, it's opened up my schedule, money's tight, and I'm unable to attend school. More importantly, I don't think the key to putting so many of my writing visions together is inside of a classroom with assignments that are unrelated to my personal tasks. Since this is someone who pursued teaching English as a profession, he's more than willing to help me.

It's almost funny that I didn't think about this before. It's cuz I've never asked myself what can I do to help produce results, which is odd right? You'd think I'd ask such an obvious question! But sometimes things have to unfold at certain times and in different increments, so I'm going to choose to be grateful for what's happening now instead of concerning myself with the irrelevant past.

A friend has completed a book and is onto a second one. He's always been encouraging and supportive of my writing. He texted me once how do you not have a book yet and sadly cuz I wasn't in the healthiest mindset, I took offense to his comment which as it turned out was meant to be a kind-hearted one. It wasn't at all a judgmental inquiry and more along the lines of you're so talented. I found myself so excited and giddy for him but at the same time, that genuine happiness for him was an external feeling I was releasing and it was leaving my body. It left me feeling empty. I wanted to keep that excitement for myself, but I don't have anything to be excited for. I want to change that. I don't want my friend's success to be a bittersweet experience laced with a tinge of envy. It affects the quality of friendship I can offer for one thing. But I believe all of that has led me in the right direction.

Timing can be so magical. I became even closer with a friend who I've in the past only spent time with briefly, but you can tell there's this bond between us and she didn't hesitate to express it. She shared with me that she has two sisters, but she feels a sisterly connection with me. To this day, that's one of the best compliments I've ever received. So I couldn't be happier to have gotten closer with her. We both bring out the best qualities in each other, too.

A natural flow of events landed me as her Personal Organizer, which has rewarded her energetically and for me, as well. She gave me some money for my efforts, although I wasn't looking for it. Since she doesn't have much money, she's now offering me products. She's a designer. It's amazing how such a seemingly small gesture became an epiphany. A year ago I thought to ask her to help me accessorize but hesitated since I rarely talked to her and didn't want to run the risk of disturbing her, even though she's always been open and inviting. I rationalized during that time that although I love her designs, the jewelry she makes isn't really my style. To think I wasted an entire year not asking for her advice when it was available all this time hidden in her closet!

It made me realize that I still have self-sabotage traps, and I'm so grateful that I have her in my life cuz she's providing me with a safe, encouraging, and supportive environment for me to say and do the things I instinctively hesitate to do such as ask for help. Her genuine nature is an eye-opener. This is more than accessories for me. It's teaching me to trust my intuition and myself. I want to accessorize more cuz I have a difficult time seeing the big picture. I'm excellent at attention to detail, which is analytical and intellectual. But my creative side is underdeveloped and I want to practice it more. I want to find my creative identity.

Much in the same way I hesitated and rationalized, I remember years ago watching Martha Stewart with a guest who reconstructs t-shirts. I was intrigued and yet I rationalized my attention away by telling myself I'm not crafty, it's too much work, and I'm not creative. I don't even give myself a chance! As I was cleaning out my friend's closet, she was showing me shirts she wants to reconstruct and I remember that vague feeling of appeal resurface, but I yet again ignored it! Now I want to explore it.

I may decide to not pursue it, but I want to allow myself a chance to make informed decisions, rather than rejecting ideas before they have a chance to take shape. The truth is I need the money and this could be a way to do it. It doesn't have to be permanent or maybe it can be. I feel like this free time is about exploring. No matter how much effort I put into filling my time with productive agendas according to societal standards, I find myself in the same place I'm at now. Maybe I'm supposed to discover something.

I want to build my portfolio for modeling. I want paid photo shoots. I want my rent to be lowered. I want more income. I want to explore the creative realm and develop my creative identity. I want to build more meaningful relationships. I want my relationship to deepen. I want to learn to be more honest and open about my feelings. I want to feel comfortable taking the initiative to show someone how I truly feel or at the very least not withdrawal by giving mixed signals. I want to find unconventional ways to make money. I feel that I have to take advantage of uncommon ways to profit at this point in my life, so I'm trying to keep my eyes, ears, and intuition peeled for those opportunities. Manifestations on the rise!

The Unproud American

I think I'm growing both tired and ashamed of my own cultural heritage. I never felt connected to my Japanese and Korean roots. But at least when I was growing up, it felt natural and appropriate that I adopted the American culture. I was born here after all. It was a different time, though.

Maybe I was naive and unaware of what was happening when I was younger which I'm certain is partially true, but the world really has changed. I used to describe myself as an American because I'm open-minded, culturally receptive, independent, an advocate of self-empowerment, believe in the chance for opportunities, and a supporter of freedom of expression. I still hold these values, but they no longer represent America. It's a facade if this illusion is conveyed, and frankly no one really bothers to even articulate the deceit anymore. 

I'm not even sure where to begin. So many of my friends are leaving the country because this is no longer the place people travel to for new opportunities like once upon a time. It's the country people leave or get kicked out of and with good reason. This reality is becoming more real to me as I become more aware and unable to ignore them especially with how it's been affecting me personally. The truth is these things effect all of us, but sometimes its impact is indirect or subtle enough to really matter. Not for me. 

Every country has flaws and I doubt the States is the only one guilty of faults. But what should be rare occurrences are becoming a normality that we, as citizens, silently accept because the structure is set up to leave us disadvantaged. We're debilitated from repair and uneducated or restricted to make improvements or changes. I'm referring not only to malicion but the set up, as well. 

Despite the economic downfall, I've been able to find work. But keeping a job is a different story. And yet I'm no longer seen as someone with a retention problem since this outcome is common. I took a career assessment test that measures how much my income would have to be in order to maintain my desired expenses. I kept everything at an all time minimum. I selected a studio apartment, a car since I'm an adult, groceries only to cook at home, and very little indulgences such as internet which is practically a necessity nowadays. I didn't select cable, shopping for clothes and accessories, and other frivolous expenses. And yet my income would have to be crazy high to sustain living in my area that my career choices excluded any best suited for my skills and abilities. Labor intensive positions dominated career choices to fit my financial lifestyle. -_____- I'm a girl that weighs 96 pounds. I can't do labor. 

I live in a bachelor (a studio without a kitchen) and I take public transportation which I don't mind. But it's the same form of travel I used as an adolescent cuz it's the only choice I can afford as an adult. I really don't like that restriction. I can't realistically see myself upgrading based on financial circumstances. 

You know it's a bad sign when unemployment offers more financial stability than actual employment. Many companies only hire part-time employees, which means either I penny pinch like crazy and can't afford anything to go wrong which is unlikely or accumulate debt which I'm grateful I've been able to avoid. But being hired as an employee doesn't mean I have strictly part-time hours, which would make me eligible for unemployment. Not that I want to rely on government funding, but sometimes when I don't have money, I need it... Part-time employees can temporarily be assigned full-time hours. In the state of California after three consecutive weeks of full-time hours, employees must receive benefits. So many companies hire employees as part-time workers and over work us anywhere from 40-90 hours and then drop us to barely 20 hours on the third week. This vicious cycle continues. Many people are also hired as seasonal employees and then re-hired months later. Or to be hired as full-time employees, we have to sign a contract that forfeits our right to benefits. 

It's such exploitation. I'm only able to make ends meet with catering and bartending gigs which don't come around often enough. You'd think not having a higher education plays a role but before you think it's appropriate to criticize me for my limited educational background, it doesn't apply. Many college graduates are in greater debt including doctors who are unable to find work. Many college graduates are denied jobs cuz their crendentials make them over qualified and companies can't afford to pay a higher salary. 

Downgrading or having roommates become inevitable considerations. When you're strapped for cash, what else can you do? In this situation, not much unless I move to a place that doesn't have these barriers... It's only a natural evolution to weigh other possibilities. 

In addition to employment and financial problems attached to it, health insurance is a nightmare. Have you seen the documentary Sicko? A woman who had breast cancer was denied treatment with a technicality of a previous health record which was a yeast infection... -____- Hospitals hire people ways to legally reject medical services as a way to save money at the cost of peoples' lives. Elder hospital residents were shuffled into taxi cabs and out of hospital rooms to make space to admit more patients. Cost of health care is outrageous. It's not only greedy, but our health care system invests methods that kill the very people they're meant to protect. Interesting thing about documentaries is that it's sensationalized to a degree, but these aren't exaggerated and common practice. 

It costs me money to request my medical records. There are certain unnecessary but costly surgeries that are procedurally conducted for profit such as appendix removal. I was fortunate that the surgeon on staff refused to put me in surgery when my inflamed appendix would've legally granted him the right to do so. But with antibiotics and close medical supervision, the inflammation went down without the need of surgery. However in most cases there are many procedures, both surgeries and unnecessary testings that are conducted for profit. There are books revealing which tests are unnecessary for specific symptoms but are conducted none the less to exploit uneducated patients. It's horrible. 

I've been in a lot of pain and unable to schedule appointments with physicians and specialists. It's unfortunately common. A while back I read that funding to produce chemotherapy has been cut back, so doctors are instructed to put patients on chemotherapy at a later stage of cancer despite the fact that it'll decrease the chances of survival. Funding in the medical industry is being reduced cuz it's being allocated to other things. I won't pretend to be aware of what it is. All I know is this circumstance is despicable. 

I watch the news and see murderers like Zimmerman commit crime in cold blood and then deny it and avoid legal consequence as a result of the legal system. Even facing jail time, he's looking at far less years than someone who hacked into private video footage of porn. Of course an invasion of privacy is unacceptable. I'm not discounting that at all, but how come viewership results in a lifetime of prison while murder goes for far less? One woman was fired for saving her employer's life by donating an organ. While I'm at it, the good samaritan law says you give implied consent to someone saving your life when you need CPR and are unconscious. Yet doctors who save peoples' lives but leave them with a broken rib end up in jail! It's unimaginable! It's too many horrible things happening all at the same time. My tolerance is growing thin. 

It's difficult for me to build a life here with my financial limitations. My health isn't valued. And I'm ashamed of my legal system. Finding work is such a challenge. My choices have led me to this life. I don't want to sit here and make excuses cuz it changes nothing. But the fact remains that I'm twenty eight with no career. I'm too busy making ends meet to build on an existing foundation. At best all I can do is maintain what I have. My situation is certainly not the worst and I'm impressively resourceful. But I don't want to maintain this current lifestyle indefinitely. 

As more time passes, I'm beginning to realize that if I want a better future for myself, I really should consider moving out of this country. It's scary to just get up and move. Stability has never been a part of my life, and it's finally began to settle down. To get up and move to a foreign country is like traveling towards a path of uncertainty that I'd create. And yet I'm learning that it can be done. 

I've always been interested in France. As an adult, I forget how much it appealed to me as a child but I've been reminded of it a lot lately cuz a really close friend of mine is French. He says my mentality is very European and encourages me to move there at one point cuz he genuinely believes I'll enjoy it there. But I kept thinking where would I stay? I don't have any friends there and have no money. How will I support myself? It's a foreign language I don't really speak, certainly not enough to get a job out of it. But the truth is in France, you don't get kicked out when you have no means to pay to support yourself. That doesn't mean I want to freeload but that already offers me more of an advantage than my own country. So it's not as risky to move as I once believed it to be. 

I'm far from ready to leave despite my protests. But eventually I want to move. Ideally I want to be ready to move, although that doesn't seem realistic. I'm not the type of person who's able to be "ready" to move to a foreign country where uncertainty dominates. Yet I handle unexpectations surprisingly well. If I'm not going to be ready to move, when do I make the move? The only answer I know for sure  is not now. But time has a way of being perceptually deceptive. It passes us by quietly but also quickly. I've been living in LA for ten years and although I've changed so much since I've moved here, evidence that a lot of time has passed, it hasn't felt like ten years. I don't want another ten years to pass me by while I stay fixed at my current location. I don't want to be stagnant and the world is too huge for me to not allow myself more experiences than my current surrounding. 

Welcoming New Energy

Monday represents a new week. It always inevitably comes around, so we tend to take it for advantage. We forget that it can mean a fresh start because even though the past is still a part of us and we can't erase it, time moved forward. That still means new energy, fresh energy. Some people choose to stay in the past, contaminating their energy and leaving it stagnant. But Monday still presents a new opportunity.

With the end of March approaching, we have the annual rain coming down on us. Just when the winter comes to a close and we see sparks of spring, the rain reminds us that the summery delight is a tease, a preview of what's to come. I personally hate the rain and can't understand why anyone enjoys it. It's cold, gloomy, causes or contributes to depression, and weakens the immune system. I wish I could enjoy the changing seasons since I'm exposed to them, but it's still how I feel.

What I do like is after the rain ends, we're greeted by the sun. It's like the toxins get released in the form of rain and it's very therapeutic. We need the rain after all. Once we get past that mandatory phase, spring blossoms and nature comes out to play. People begin to take off extra layers of skin and out of all the seasons, spring symbolizes change. Spring cleaning, detoxes, lighter meals, less layers of clothes, nature blooming all around us...

For me yesterday represented those days. My weekend was filled with amazing communication, misunderstandings, unnecessary confrontations, unavoidable cancellations, and happy times. It was a catch all of everything, the good and the bad. But I wanted Monday to be different. The rain went away and I wanted to do something different.

As I was manifesting my desire I came across an invite for happy hour. I met some new people and had some good food. One of the things I really enjoy about getting older is it becomes easier to connect with people because it's as though we intuitively gravitate towards people we can bond with. Conversations become more natural and finding things to talk about is easier. We just flow in a way where we find that string of connection, rather than feebly searching for it in all of the wrong places.

Of course not every person we come across will lead to lifelong meaningful friendships, but it's not a series of incompatible energy. I find myself less and less being exposed to people that I immediately sense I dislike without having any idea why, then feeling guilty for what feels like unwarranted judgments when it's actually intuitive assessment, and desperate to feel more open-minded, I interact only to regret it. I never know what kind of people I'll meet until after it happens but I find myself more inclined during some moments more than others. And it's by listening to my inner voice then that I develop friendships that are most conducive for me.

I'm a Scanner...?

I'm not really sure where to begin. I've been struggling with finding a career for myself for a myriad of reasons. Challenges keep building the way life often does, but it's happened to the degree that I feel like the universe sabotages paths that aren't meant for me. I haven't been very receptive in school, even though I possess the traditional qualities that would make me an ideal candidate. I'm intelligent, ambitious, passionate, curious, and love to learn. But I haven't found a field that satisfies my desires.

I'm not willing to commit and put the amount of effort into a field I'm only half-hearted about. I find myself quickly losing interest and focus on a subject that was at one point alluring and appealing. I sound like once actual work and focus became required that I quickly retracted. It's made me feel inadequate and frustrated, but mostly I avoided addressing these insecurities that have been building in me for years. I'm curious about learning about all sorts of things. I begin projects until I'm intellectually satisfied and then I proceed onto another subject. It's a great way to become a walking encyclopedia, which what many of my friends describe me as. And yet my job experience reflects an absence of promotions or direction.

I've spent so much time feeling poorly about myself but without even giving those feelings attention that it's taken me years to dispute them. I may lose interest in pursuing something professionally, but it isn't because I'm against hard work. I put a lot of effort, energy, and time into things. But when it comes to jobs, I stick to the basics.

Over time I've realized that my field of interests if I were to narrow it down to a single field is actually dynamic and versatile. I'm passionate about food, cooking, container garden, holistic health, and nutrition. I want to find ways to incorporate them within each other. I'm not sure how to get it all started when a friend of mine posted on facebook details of a scanner. Scanners are people who scan a variety of interests and passion, never satisfied with settling on one subject. That's me! I think.....

My friend is undeniably a scanner. You can talk to her once and identify her with all the characteristics of a scanner. I, on the other hand, have learned to suppress and control my scanning tendencies. I hear multiple conversations and have a million thoughts running through my head when I'm talking to a friend, but I'm focused on the task at hand. I have difficulty doing multiple things at once outside of my element, and yet my tendency is to multi-task.

I find that I fill my mind with ideas and projects I want to do only to never complete them because I get distracted by other projects I want to pursue. It sounds ADD, but I know I'm not because when I have to focus, I can and I do. Of course, people with ADD have also demonstrated the same. But with me ever since I've embraced what satisfies me, I'm no longer forcing a disciplined incentive to complete a task simply for the act. When I do this, I'm not enjoying it. So now I scatter around whatever I desire. I'm happier, but it results in very little completion and productivity.

Now I'm excited to learn about scanners and an author named Barbara Sher who explains it in depth. I'm going to pick up her book in hopes to find some sort of direction. What she seems to describe and convey in concrete detail is what I've been conceptually trying to formulate. I believe that if there's something we want that we have to put in the time and effort to obtain it. If it's a career, it could be discouraging, it could take years, but if you want it, you have to look for it. If it doesn't exist, then you have to create it.

I truly believe that. But I've been racking my mind on exactly how I'm supposed to go about that because I feel like I've explored all the other popular, mainstream, and accessible avenues without success. I kept having this feeling that my path isn't readily available, and yet I don't want to give up. So I invest my time testing out methods and opportunities I can feel won't work out just so I know I'm at least trying. This book can hopefully offer me some insights and guidance becuase this floatlessness is becoming frustrating.

Work Health

Unless you're wealthy, financially dependent on someone else, or one of the rare individuals who find ways to sustain a living independent of making an income, work is a requirement for most adults. And unfortunately most of us are unhappy about where we work, who we work for, our co-workers, the mistreatment, how much we get paid, etc. Being unsatisfied in the workplace is such a normality, and yet complaints are viewed as if they have no place in an environment where many people are miserable. Why is that? Listening to complaints can become intolerable, but for people to act like it's inappropriate confuses me. People complaining about complaint worthy topics is logical and a human reaction.

Yet because unpleasant work places are the normality, complaints can be shocking. People consider it to be too ordinary to complain about. Unless it's shocking or unbelievable in some way, complaints are seen as forms of ingratitude. While that's always a possibility, what I dislike is how dismissive many of us are to unfair and unhappy work environments. Obviously we can't just resign because there's something we don't like, but too much of us fail to realize what an impact work has on our emotional well-being. And that jeopardizes our health and that can effect us physically, too.

Keep in mind that most of us work 8 hour day shifts. That's 40 hours a week. Some people are too exhausted and go to sleep when they get home. Activities are limited to requirements such as eating and running errands. Some people spend their remaining time complaining about how horrible work was, so time is still being stolen even during after hours because of work. Of course if we choose to spend time complaining about it, that's on us. Whether we choose to occupy our time in that way or not doesn't change the fact that some people are tempted to do just that. For parents, work might be the only place where they get to be themselves. They talk to their co-workers, have lunch, and it's their world. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have jobs they absolutely love, but it certainly shouldn't be a source of stress so extreme that it harms your health.

I've been exposed to unbelievable work environments and experiences. I've been working since I was twelve. I worked as a maid for a crack motel. I was picking up stray needles, witnessing attacks on some days gave me insight on what time it was, and trashy and shady activities were expected. It was alarming when it wasn't going on. I worked at a Walgreens where I've had a gun pointed at my head, cops arrived after a fight broke out between a customer and me after she tipped the ladder I was on, I've been attacked and rescued by the pharmacist who also happened to be a bounty hunter. I was sixteen working for a foster care agency where a baby was thrown on my lap. I was so traumatized by that, even more so than the other experiences I've listed. I've dealt with emotionally-challenged individuals where part of my responsibilities included managing and maintaining a civil environment if I were to ever get my work done. When someone was unhappy about a five minute tardiness, the cops would be summoned. Food products contained ingredients that could be harmful for diabetics and were scheduled to be on the market at Whole Foods under false pretenses. Money was being mishandled. Employees were being exploited. Even mainstream businesses worked in harmful environments at call centers where emloyees were coughing so severely that broken ribs were taking place and yet not going to work or being late by as little as a minute three times led to termination. I've worked in the food business. I've done catering, bartending, and party promos. So being hit on, violent circumstances, and hostile customers occurred regularly enough that it was no longer shocking for me. All true stories.

Of course, I've never worked at sweat shops and been paid less than a dollar an hour. There are always worse circumstances. But my point is that I've had insanely intolerable experiences, and yet people found my complaints to be unfounded because others put up with it. How I handled these work conditions were dependent largely on my perception and emotional state.

I worked at a call center where I'd clock in later than I was scheduled for because my computer wouldn't boot up properly. I was advised to arrive to work 15-20 minutes before my assigned time. I was uncooperative and refused to make such a compromise. It's unfair to expect me to arrive to work early when I'm not being paid for it due to the company's fault. So instead I complained, complained, complained. I let the IT department know every morning that I couldn't get my computer up long before I even got to my desk. I vocalized this to several managers and senior accounts to make terminating my employment into a discouraging course of action despite their policy.

My main objection wasn't the arrival time but the principal behind it. I was difficult from the beginning and although my position warranted some validity, the extent I took to at that time wasn't. Over time, though, it became evident that this company did deserve some expression of disapproval. The ceiling above my desk was so dirty that people were coughing like crazy. One of my co-workers had a chronic cough so severe that he couldn't sleep lying down. Others had to have surgery for their carpal tunnel. The company had no ethics and we were employed to lie to customers about matters we knew wouldn't be resolved. So we essentially were getting paid to be mistreated on both sides and experienced injuries as a result of it. Our job security became compromised when someone declines to pay for a co-workers birthday when we've never even met the person if this co-worker was well liked by a supervisor.

Although these things aren't fair, it's also very common. So many people tolerate it. I believe in the power of manifestation, and I'm actually really good at it. I believe everything has energy and when I really want something, I get it. However the instant gratifications aren't nearly as rewarding as waiting for something more valuable based on a set of high standards.

I've been trying to manifest a job that suits my needs and desires better. I refer to it as employment with purpose. Over time each job I've held has less and less of the drama. I'm not be reprimanded for wearing an outfit considered to be too revealing (a long skirt with a slit slightly above my knee) by a supervisor who's dress was so low that when she was talking to me I could see the color of her nipples... I don't have a manager who squeezes in between me and my co-worker because we're talking with disruptions from her like she's my best friend in a baby voice only to be told that I need to return to work when she knows I just started my lunch break.

Sometimes I could sense that if I developed a relationship outside of a professional one with my supervisors that my job would be secure, but I find myself unable to fabricate such bonds. If anything it strengthens my professional personality. I believe that if I do my job well and I'm not disruptive, my job should be secure. When I'm able to connect with my co-workers and supervisors on a personal level it's because I can sense the fairness they possess.

This current assignment I'm on surrounds me with people who are professional and mature. They aren't monitoring my performance, so they can scrutinize it. They're focused on themselves and prioritize fairly. I don't have to worry that small talk with a co-worker will lead to a manager accusing me of being selfish for occupying someone's time when I was the one being approached. There's none of that bullshit.

It's a temp to hire position. I'm assigned here until April. If they're happy with my performance, I'll be asked to stay indefinitely. I do my job well, but I'm not spectacular at it. As a reception I do exactly what I'm asked and demonstrate intelligence and observation when necessary. But I'm certainly not being talked about because my phone voice is out of this world. I don't know if I'm being too critical or not, but maybe I won't be asked to stay beyond tax season. I do believe it's possible. I can do my job well and I don't cost an arm and leg to employ. However they don't seem to need anyone outside of the busy season. I guess time will reveal my place here.

Working in this environment has made me realize how conditioned I've become to a toxic mentality. If I staple papers too soon and all I need to do is remove it, I sense an involuntary panic that I'm getting fired. Dramatic much? I'm finally getting a taste of what it's like to be in a breathable work environment.

It's opening my eyes to how damaging my train of that is. I experiened a shooting pain down my spine when I panicked about the most asinine detail. That sort of thing was so common that I used to never give it atention. It no longer shocked my body. Now I feel like my body's screaming at me every time I unnecessarily stress it out. It's refreshing and an educational experience.

This job is easy to do, and it gives me a lot of free time. I feel like I need to take advantage of it. If I don't, the universe might sabotage my place here because when I get too comfortable and it becomes a liability, the universe tries to set me back on track. I love to write, so I have to create a system where I can write at work. I already have projects I started, so I need to send myself copies of them. That way I can continue them here.

For so long I've wanted to find work in an office that was slow paced enough to allow me to focus on my writing and other priorities. But now that I have that chance, I have no idea how to take advantage of the time I have since it's all new for me. So I better figure it out because if this job does turn out to be temporary, I want to make it count by making progress on some of my writing projects. This still remains true even if it becomes long-term.

Lessons for the Future

I began texting with a friend who wished me a Happy New Year…..Eve and asked him if he was doing anything special. He responded with it’s all pretty special but I know what you mean. He’s not much for the glamour of things, which I appreciate. I expressed how to me it’s just another year. New Year’s symbolizes something meaningful because of the power we give it, and although it’s beneficial to dedicate a time where we focus and prioritize on our future, it doesn’t mean much to me. It’s true and yet facebook has a way of expanding my train of thought.

For some people, it’s more than just another year to knock off the list and appreciate it as an annual tradition, but it’s truly a meaningful event in their lives. I have friends that have survived divorces and been stronger for it, attended their children’s funeral, and went through some of the most devastating experiences. But they’re changed by it and they’re left feeling empowered and grateful because after a long tedious, struggle, they’ve come out on the other end. They’re finally beginning to feel and understand the value of the pain they had to endure to be where they are today. I’m moved by their experiences just by reading it on their statuses. It’s heartwarming to know that they’ve evolved and grown into more conducive individuals.

My life hasn’t been quite the rollercoaster. I went through a Hellish experience at age 24. Then at age 25, I was recovering from it. At 26, I began processing it. At 27 is when I became receptive and understanding to the lessons. But somewhere along the line, I also became stagnant and under stimulated, which I suppose is understandable considering how intense the past few years have been for me.

I’m now ready to approach 28. I feel like I’ve spent enough time in hiding, contemplation, and recovery. I have no idea what’s in store for me, but I want to take this time to chronicle what I’ve learned. Those things are important to give attention to.

1. Don’t feel bad cutting people out of your life.

This has something I thought I was relatively comfortable with because I haven no problem being honest or direct. But when things aren’t black and white, I find myself floating around and waiting until things become irrefutably unacceptable. During this process I’m making myself vulnerable to it. I try to give people chances and not everyone is blatant in their disrespect. Some people are subtle and cowardly about it.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people make plans with me and not cancel but just don’t show up at all. It puts me an uncomfortable predicament where I find myself feeling guilty, whiny, and self-entitled because it disrupts my entire schedule. I live in LA, and I don’t drive. I can’t just occupy my time doing something else until you give me a ring and then meet up with you when you call by hopping on the freeway. I don’t have that luxury. But it’s not anyone else’s fault that I don’t drive. So emphasizing it makes me feel bad, but it doesn’t take away from the truth. It’s definitely a factor. Then again, it’s not even a factor that should be brought up.

In the world of texting, you can’t let me know you won’t be able to make it? Sometimes technology goes haywire. So I give the benefit of the doubt and I’ll call, assuming the text didn’t go through. There are times there’s no reception, but calls don’t go straight to voicemail. I yet again make allowances. Then perhaps I’ll try fbing them, but don’t I sound stalkerish at this point? Of course I do!

I’m frustrated with the efforts I have to put in and feeling insecure about my actions. If someone were to describe my behavior, I might understand why this person is being avoided, which of course leads me down a spiraling emotion of inadequacy. The direction I take it is on me, but being put in this position was unfair and I wasn’t alone in it. We all get faced with things we don’t necessarily want to do, and we all indulge in escapism at some point. But we’re adults now.

We’re responsible for our actions. If we don’t want to spend time with certain people, we should be honest and direct about it. What’s worse is I’m not always the one initiating the hang out, making people vulnerable to not telling the truth. These same people who ditch me are the ones that not only talk about making plans, but select the dates themselves. So then I feel guilty when my intuition tells me my friends are lying because I don’t want to think negatively of my friends, and honestly their behaviors are unintelligent. I consider most of them to be bright people.

I basically invest a lot of energy running in circles and not accepting my intuition. I may care about certain people, and I may even miss them. But that doesn’t mean I should continue to make allowances for them. As great as it would be to catch up and have a great time, I’d rather surround myself with genuine and honest people. So it’s okay to stop putting effort into people like this. It’s okay.

2. Things always become more difficult with resistance.

Why is it that we complain about how things are so complicated and difficult, but we, ourselves, behave in a way that sustains it? It’s illogical, but we do it anyways. It’s so innate in us that I don’t think many of us realize how our actions are, at times, the very source of difficulty. We subconsciously do things we aren’t aware of. That can leave us helpless and vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand it because it’s only through awareness will we be able to correct it.

3. Without effort, there will be no progress.

As an adolescent, I was full of energy that poured out of me in different ways. I was stubborn, resilient, difficult, and persistent. I prided myself on not surrendering or weakening when surrounded by people who only believed in my failure. I was ruthless in my pursuit to prove them wrong. I wasted so much energy into something that I should’ve never given attention to because people who are going to be singleminded and judgmental about me aren’t going to become open-minded because I did what they doubted I could do. In my experience, they become insulted that I proved them wrong. Do I really want the approval of people like that anyways? Not really.

When I finally had that epiphany and I decided to do what I wanted to do, I found myself at a loss. Without others doubting me and being presented with obstacles to overcome, I wasn’t motivated to do much. There was no passion or desire in my actions. I’ve spent so much time trying to find what I want to invest my time that I’m becoming discouraged.

I may be interested in something conceptually, but there aren’t enough details for me to make an informed decision. So then I’m not inclined to put in the extensive amount of effort to explore it. It’s a vicious cycle. What’s a girl to do?

I certainly don’t like it, and I find myself often discouraged. But never have I considered giving up. I take more breaks than I’m proud of to regroup when I feel like I haven’t done much, but I won’t give up, which means I have to keep going. So I have to constantly remind myself that I do all of this because I want to find purpose and meaningful in my life and in my actions. “Without effort, there will be no progress.” However discouraging and put off I am about putting in the effort, it must be done to reach my destination. End of story. No matter how much I despise it and complain about it, it must be done!

4. Make decisions based on my intuition.

First I had to accept that I was experiencing intuition and recognize it for what it is. Then I had to be receptive to it because if I wasn’t, I didn’t know what I was experiencing. I felt this dull, un-definable sense of feeling that plagued me and felt out of place. I couldn’t shake the feeling, either. It became disruptive until it became almost background noise that I got used to.

Now I know what it is. I trust it enough to guide my friends with it. I trust in my ability to be intuitive and accurate. But I still hesitate in executing decisions based on it. It isn’t because I have doubts in my ability; it’s that I take comfort in the familiar. However, my intuition is there to guide me in the right direction. If I ignore it, there are consequences that occur. They keep trying to instill the same lesson in me. Next time listen to avoid this. And that’s what I have to do.

Things to Improve

After making it a point to address that I’m not going to emphasize the New Year, I find myself focusing on it more and more with time. But I believe I’m being productive and conducive, so I encourage this process. Unlike New Year’s Resolutions that are too vague to maintain and quickly forgotten, I’m going to create a list of qualities I’d like to improve on. By concentrating on certain habits and how I should correct them, as well as the benefits of improving them, I’m more likely to work on them. I’ll be taking an objective look and incorporating constructive ways to improve them. I’ll not only be productive but by expressing how it’ll improve my quality of life, I’m benefiting from the rewards effect. It’s like a teaser of what’s to come, that feeling of being proud and wanting to keep up the momentum.

1. Stop procrastinating.

Problem: I’ve adopted procrastination at the mature age of 26. With my OCD and absence of procrastination for most of my life, I believed I escaped this plague. How wrong I was! As I began to work on how I manage my stress, I became less tense about ordinary tasks like paying rent and other expenses. Although it’s good to be on time, it’s unhealthy to panic at the idea that I might not make rent. I eventually discovered after having to face those fears that the world doesn’t end when I don’t pay my rent on the first of the month or I’m a little late on my credit bills. I now find myself procrastinating in many areas of my life because I’m able to sustain myself in my current condition.

Solutions: Break the habit! The key to procrastination is to get started. Even if I retreat to my procrastinating habits, I have to transition towards my goal. It’s emotionally liberating and I’ll realize my laziness is unfounded, which over time will reduce my laziness greatly. I began adding positive things I’d like to do on my to-do list, so I’m more likely to reference it and knock down the list. As much as possible, I’ll combine both an enjoyable task with a less pleasant one such as doing the laundry while talking on the phone with a loved one. Things like that. J

2. Stop being so insecure.

Problem: Being insecure is damaging to my self-esteem and I see no benefit in it. It doesn’t motivate me, and I find myself desperate to avoid people who might reveal to me how amazing I truly am. That’s irrational and unfair.

Solution: We’re susceptible to the things we tell ourselves, even and especially through subconscious communication. Our conscious thoughts are echoes of our subconscious minds. So I’m going to take the time to express and appreciate my positive qualities. I spend an unreasonable amount of time denigrating myself, I can and more than deserve a brief amount of praise early in the morning when I rise and right before I retire. When I find myself with free time, it’s also a good opportunity to remind myself of my positive qualities.

3. Don’t look at the worst in others.

Problem: For various reasons, I find myself seeing the worst in others. Sometimes it’s to protect myself emotionally. I’m more guarded if I think negatively of people. I also think the worst in others when I take something out of context to support my beliefs in my adequacies.

Solution: In combination to acknowledging MY positive traits, which include being a good judge of character and surrounding myself with positive people, I’m going to give the same courtesy and remind myself of other peoples’ positive qualities. We all have negative qualities, and I sincerely believe it’s important to be aware of them. However, I become intimately familiar with the negative stuff. It’s now time to know the positive traits. By focusing on their positive qualities, I’ll appreciate them more and get a balanced perspective. It’ll make me realize how silly it is to highlight a small, insignificant detail. And we’ll all be happier for it.

4. Make allowances for peoples’ mistakes.

Problem: I tend to be unforgiving of peoples’ mistakes, as though we aren’t human. I can be unhappy or disappointed by them, but I MUST let it go. I should hold hostage of it, so I have something to scrutinize. It isn’t fair and it does no one any good but cause insurmountable frustration.

Solution: It’s all about incorporating balance. I certainly don’t make excuses for people, but I can afford to make allowances for peoples’ mistakes. Sometimes when we’re moody, we say something that’s inconsiderate and even disrespectable. One statement shouldn’t overpower months’ consistent behavior. Keep that in mind when you’re tempted to emphasize displeasure. The truth is if I stay silent, I gain perspective and realize that it really isn’t that big of a deal. Sometimes I have to remind myself more firmly because I’d prefer disparaging someone and finding relief in it, rather than disciplining myself. But this is about self-improvement. So I MUST overcome my challenges.

5. Develop discipline.

Problem: I dislike authority. But I find that without supervision and no one to monitor me, I procrastinate. The truth is I could’ve made far more progress in the books I want published. In fact it wasn’t until late last year that I gave them considerable thought. And even then, I’ve come up with concepts and titles. Really beginning to write about it is a different story. I don’t want to rely on external sources to complete tasks I, as an adult, should be able to accomplish independently. I MUST develop discipline.

Solution: Get started. No matter how little I actually produce, I MUST put in the time and effort because even a little bit everyday is better than nothing everyday. Eventually the amount of progress developed will increase. I can’t wait around until I’m able to create an adequate amount of results in a short amount of time or else I’ll never get started. My goal is to take the time and write 2 hours everyday.

6. Not exercising.

Problem: It’s so easy to be sedentary. Without motivation or drive to make a change, I find myself immobile. The idea of breaking a sweat is more daunting than the actual result.

Solution: The only way for me to overcome my hesitation of exercising is to get started and prove to myself that the workout isn’t unbearable. Place sneakers and workout clothes by the bed and slip into them every morning. Go outside for a walk. Even something low impact is better than nothing. Once I develop the routine, I can increase the actual amount of exercise I engage in.

7. Stay connected.

Problem: Life has a way of shifting us away from the people we want to stay connected to. Sometimes I lose track of time until I notice a huge gap from the last time I spoke with friends.

Solution: Try to dedicate time to reconnect with friends. Maybe I can reach out over the weekend and weekdays during lunch hour. Wednesdays might be a good day to make contact with people. Or in the beginning of the week, I can plan on reaching people on specific days and follow through with it. I have certain friends I really want to reconnect with. I told them I’d like to see them at least once a month if possible. That would mean the world to me!

I’m sure there are more things I can improve on, but I’m satisfied with my current list.

What Do I Want Most of All?

Something dawned on me. I have a lot of thoughts, epiphanies, opinions, desires, ambitions, opportunities I don’t care about, missed opportunities, regrets, laughs, friends, clothes, etc etc. You get the idea. I’m plagued with excess, and it leaves me unfocused and cluttered. It’s taking its series of tolls on me. It used to make me feel overwhelmed until I adapted and became numb to them. Nowadays I feel empty because all this excess gives an illusion of abundance, as though it’s fulfilling in some way when it really isn’t.

For someone who’s so good at attention to detail, I’m not too great at focusing on the right attention. And sometimes the way to find the details is in stepping back. If something isn’t natural to me, it may take me decades before I become receptive to it, let alone be able to understand or execute it. Fortunately for me, I’m inquisitive by nature and passivity, if I do ever incorporate it, is temporary.

Lately I’ve been asking myself this specific question, “What do I want most of all?” My first and most important answer is to have emotional security, a sense of confidence in myself. I’m such a paradox. When I was younger, people would tell me they thought at first glance I’m a self-absorbed, egotistical, confident bitch. I’m so far from that, but I suppose it’s a façade I created. I began to emulate what I wanted and to an extreme.

Few people know how truly insecure I am and how much I doubt myself. I guess readers of this blog have a greater insight than some of my closest friends. It’s easy to pretend I’m confident. I get attention, and I have such an influential energy about me that few people ever oppose me. Any basic psych textbook can tell you the signs of a confident person is someone who walks tall and proud, back arched, head high up, smile, interact, make your presence known, and talk with a tone that’s firm, rather than quiet, meek, or indecisive.

A lot of people know this, but most people aren’t in control of their subconscious acts. I’m not saying that I have a greater sense of awareness. Not only would that be incredibly arrogant but also unintelligent. How can I measure my subconscious behavior? It’s subconscious! But I have consciously put in A LOT of effort portraying the signs of confidence. I used to look at girls who appeared confident and tried to copy their walk. I discovered the best way for my body to elongate, make my back sit so to speak where my back was properly arched and I consciously practiced the other traits. I have OCD, so it was easy to stay on track. I would tell myself, “smile, smile, smile, smile, God damn it, SMILE!!!” Things like that until it became natural.

I never let anyone in on my insecurities, so relationships were always the ones that suffered because in situations like that, you’re always exposed. I’m unable to expertly conceal myself by masquerading to be the exact opposite. It’s not fair to the person I’m involved with. It’s always been a problem but one that hardly arises as I rarely met anyone I was interested in getting involved with. My circumstance now just highlights this problem I’ve been ignoring for years. I don’t want to fix this for external reasons; I want it for myself.

The truth is I don’t think I realized how severe it was until now. It’s always been important to me to be a good friend who someone can open up to and trust. The energy I give off is the energy I attract and vice versa. I want to be aware of this, so I can exude positive energy. And there’s nothing positive about suppressing paralyzing insecurity and doubt that eats away at me like a poison I camouflage from the rest of the world. Energy is subliminal. It doesn’t pick up on my behavior but what’s inside of me, and this isn’t what I want to release into the universe.

When something can be interpreted positively or negatively, I reject any positive possibilities and always resort to the negative outcome. Sometimes I’m completely blinded to positive signs or will go as far as discarding it to maintain the consistency that the negative perspective carries. My mind is so strategic and processes information so quickly that it took me years to catch up to it and a lot of people pointing to my error of thought. The problem is not many people can navigate in my mind, so I ignored the statements that came my way as false input. I use negative statements people say out of error or anger, which we all do and use it as an anchor to keep me from being swept away in the moment.

I want to change. I want to just smile back without being suspicious. I want to be able to accept a compliment about my looks without my mind jumping to criticizing someone’s taste or inability to multi-task because there’s another girl more pretty right next to me. I want to apply for that job I know I can do well without experiencing feelings of inadequacies or feeling like I’m being deceptive and manipulative when I convince myself to give me that job because I’m convinced I’ll fail epically. I want to pursue something and move to the next stage, rather than staying where I am out of fear that I won’t perform well in a new environment. I want to be able to do things on my own for the experience, rather than hiding away from the idea of being rejected if I ask others and they have better things to do. I want to focus on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses. I want to embrace my strengths and practice them without guilt because I have weaknesses. I want to know my flaws and weaknesses, so I can strengthen them or know how to overcompensate with my stronger qualities.

Sometimes I’m shocked by the confidence and credit people give themselves. I think to myself, “No way you’re good enough for that!” Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. But does it really matter? It’s a toxic thought process. I’ve always been a firm believer that mistakes teach us more than always doing things right and offers us more meaningful experiences.

Yet I’m terrified of taking a chance because of the possibility that I’ll make a mistake. Rarely do I ever initiate things on my terms where a mistake occurs. Mistakes just happen around me and I’m effected by it. A lot of times it may not even be entirely my fault, but I accept the blame because I feel I deserve it since my contributions led to it, despite my objections or my intuition that indicate I’m wiser than how I’m being portrayed.

I could never understand girls who used to stare in front of the mirror for hours giving attention to their flaws. Just knowing I had them was so unbearable that I didn’t have the strength to face them or give them my time. Instead I immersed myself in such an effective distraction that I was sufficiently occupied. What I didn’t know then is how the feelings were still there and without removing them, they’d become systemic and contaminate me immeasurably.

It’s becoming harder to conceal my insecurities. I’m losing interest in maintaining my façade, but I have no desire to surrender to these beliefs, either. So I exist in this perpetual state of conflict that overwhelms me as life passes me by. I want to stop being so insecure because for me that’s my key to happiness. Insecurity is the brake that prevents me from truly enjoying life.

Stupid iPad!!!

I wrote a ton of inspiring entries on my iPad when I didn't have access to my laptop. I tried to copy and paste it, but it didn't work and I deleted a ton of writing. :( I wish I would have been able to share it on here because in a long time, they're inspiring and positive writing. I guess the jist of it is that I've been bonding a lot more with my adoptive mom. I don't have the greatest relationship with my biological family and it's my adoptive family that I truly consider family. But I always kept them at a distant.

My mom and brother have always been welcoming especially my mom, and I've always feared being just another welcomed member in their life when what I really want is a family. There's also a fear of being rejected the way I've been by my biological mom that I think has been stirring inside of me. They're two different people, but fear has a way of being irrational. After seeing this guy I'm involved with connecting with his family on a regular basis, it made me miss my own.

I'm grateful in a way he'll never know and also for the best mother advice I could've received. With matters to the heart, she reminded me to let things form organically. I really like the way the word organically is used there. She gave me a lot of great advice, but that one stuck out the most because it's so foreign to who I am.

I've also been hesitant about facing her because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's discouraging. I don't want to face another mom and feel inadequate. These feelings were never a result of how she made me feel but what I was concerned about. Overcoming them was important because as it turns out, she gave me wonderful advice. I wrote down a list of 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. I was also directed to www.cacareerzone.org to not only get a profile of jobs within my interests but also detail into what my expenses are in my area. It's so refreshing to get some productive suggestions.

Too many job profiles are just that, profiles. Impersonal and vague. I'm often the one people seek out at EDD offices for advice. That's not cool. There are trained professionals, and I'm being recruited to revise resumes? O_o I've even been offered a job placement specialist position, but the location even by car is two hours away. I don't drive and have no desire to move. The increase in salary will actually be a financial downgrade with the required expenses that'll add on like a car, etc. Plus I'm not interested in that. I'm looking forward to the insights I receive.

The Ten Things

It's hard to remember why I've kept my distance from my adopted mom and brother when they've always been supportive, caring, kind, patient, and understanding with me. That's the danger and damage with fear. There's this abstract darkness that influences your behavior to do what you don't want to do cuz it keeps you in a false sense of comfort zone. I guess I should just be grateful that I'm finally beginning to reconnect with the only people I consider family.

It's not fair to my adopted mom, but I think having such a negative relationship with my biological mom made me more hesitant to bond with her. Irrational fear. There's nothing more to it. All I ever used to hear from my biological parents is what a disappointment I am. Isolating myself from them made me forget about them, but I guess their thoughts continued to reside within me.

Since I've recognized their presence, I've began to let them go. I still have A LOT of work to do, but it's a start. I've also been talking to my mom and brother a lot more. Writing has always been the one constant in my life, and it's a real passion of mine. I'm good at it, and I'm always persistent. Virtually everyone has suggested I should make a career out of it, and while the idea appeals to me, nothing has resulted from it. So I'm forced to re-examine my priorities and take an honest look at what I truly want out of life. This has been an ongoing dilemma if you've followed my blog, but I'm FINALLY starting to feel like I'm taking it toward a positive direction. I'm so tired of saying I need to do something only for that insistence to highlight the emptiness.

My mother recommended I write 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. That approach is very logical and its purpose is very clear, and yet it's something I've never considered. I've put in the effort to do just that, though. Just like my mom anticipated, those two 10 things began to relate. Here's a list of what I wrote. If you're trying to decide what career you'd like to pursue, I'd suggest doing the same thing.

10 Things I Love to Do:

1. Writing for myself for emotional catharsis, perspective, epiphanies, and channeling that energy we’re all universally connected to (whatever it may be).

2. Having deep, meaningful conversations where I connect with people on a deep level

3. Eat food! Not just to be a pig but to really appreciate the quality of food and innovative ways it was used to prepare and make meals, discovering unique and unusual ways to re-transform something,

4. Have new experiences! I’ve always been diverse, dynamic, and open-minded. I like being stimulated and new experiences offer both an educational and emotional depth.

5. Help my friends, channel my emotions and intuitive nature in a conducive way. Everything has energy and I tend to be receptive to it. I feel my way around peoples’ energies or problems and can detect weak points, strong points, and then somehow gain insight on the best approach to help empower them in their goals and desires.

For example, I have a lot of creative friends and have been described as muses. I amplify what they already know but have suppressed in themselves, strengthen qualities in them they’ve neglected, and address concerns as a way to resolve them.

6. Discover new environmental solutions, multi-use from a single source, using something ordinary to make it extraordinary, re-transforming something plain and unsuspecting of something exceptional and making it exactly that. Basically I love developing ideas. I’m unconventional, untraditional, and rarely fit into any pretext of normality. So I have to individualize and personalize a lot of things to make it accommodating and appealing to me. I push the envelope a lot to see how far I can take something to the edge because that’s when things go alive. I want to see that spark give birth to something that would’ve never come to life if it weren’t for that extra little push. But I also like to do things differently, expand my mind, incorporate an unusual or uncommon practice to end up with something unexpected, and approach something with a popular and acceptable perspective but taking it a new direction, maybe with deviations or linear irregularities. Basically discovering ways to do things differently.

7. Study, practice, and incorporate holistic remedies. I like using mundane things for a powerful effect that’s unsuspecting. It connects and relates to my intuition, as well as my desire to separate myself from popular trends and façades. It’s timeless. It’s interesting, and as straightforward as it is, it’s profoundly educational and complex.

Pineapples become more than a tropical fruit but a pain reliever due to the enzyme bromelain. It gives things dimensions. You know how a girl or guy becomes more intriguing when they evolve beyond just eye candy but opens your eyes to a new world? It’s like that. You find ways to be constructively creative with things that ordinarily serve a limited or familiar purpose. Common things become new to you. Things begin to develop a greater purpose, and that significance continues to spread. The more you learn about how simple things like lemons can be antibacterial, furniture polish, intestinal cleanser, mental stimulant, etc., you become more receptive, intuitive, and conscientious in your actions, choices, purchases, etc.

8. Constructive creativity – this type of creativity I identify with the most because I’m very analytical and precise which are qualities that can interfere with a creative flow. It doesn’t always allow for things to form organically, but it’s also true to my nature. So I’m able to create something that’s most authentic and natural to me.

9. Brainstorming and collaborations – Everything has energy, and I’m receptive to it. I channel people and able to solidify abstract concepts into concrete and usable ideas and solutions to make visions more tangible. It’s difficult for me to make my own art, but I can see the art others are trying to produce and can help expedite the process and/or bring it to life. I need something foreign basically outside of myself, in order to make this happen, though, and that’s why I love collaborations. It’s like I travel into the multiple minds present, and I take and combine each of their essences and tie it all together.

10. Empowering people – I have a strong presence and have the ability to influence people easily. It’s an empowering feeling, and I like giving others a taste of it. I can feel the energy around me, and tremendous amounts of people are uncertain about their lives and insecure about many things. It can become overwhelming. Self-empowerment, on the other hand, is both exhilarating and grounding. I like knowing and seeing that I made a difference in peoples’ lives.

11. Bonus: I like dimensions, dynamics, diversity, and stimulation. I want to be kept interested. I’m more drawn to a little bit of everything than a lot of one thing cuz it gets stale, stagnant, familiar, and eventually no matter how dense the material is, knowing that it’ll still revolve around a common theme, it’ll make me lose interest. I like different angles and dimensions to things.

12. Bonus: I love eclectic, artistic coffee shops filled with diversity in decorative collaborations. Little bits and hints of flea market finds, worldly objects, modern contemporary pieces, vintage contrasts, local artists’ works (not just because it supports local community but also cuz it isn’t manufactured art, it’s fresh, different). They’re more creative, aesthetics is a visual display of diversity, and it attracts more interesting people who want to lounge and converse, rather than rush in to get their joe to go to their 9-5 jobs.

10 Things I’m Good At

1. I’m good at writing. I can express myself easily and clearly. It comes naturally, and it just flows out of me.

2. I’m good at helping people with their emotional problems, inner struggles, difficulty believing themselves, facing their fears, changing their perspective into a more conducive one, or in some way empowering them. My intuition highlights or brings to surface some sort of imbalance, and I’m able to offer some insight or perspective. I provide emotional comfort, clarity in perspective, and leave people feeling empowered.

3. Food related stuff! I can cook, I can eat, I can identify flavors and determine what compliments what, determine which foods are healthiest for various ailments and what foods should be eaten during specific seasons, and I’m also familiar with how certain foods are grown, raised, chemically-altered, and things of that nature. I’m knowledgeable in food from a thorough understanding of where it comes from, how it’s made, and how it impacts our bodies. I take holistic approaches to eating because I food the very simple but necessary, frequent task to be an empowering approach to managing our health. I’ve helped friends start their own catering company, create a menu specifically for people with food allergies, critique their dishes before they launch it at Costco, another major supermarket, or before presenting it to a reputable chef for a job at an upscale restaurant, etc. I’m very precise, direct, and provide constructive criticism. So my insights are often sought after.

4. Being open and receptive to new experiences. While I can be a homebody, I’m not afraid to try new things and, in fact, the idea of it very much appeals to me. That’s how I evolve, grow, and find inspiration in ordinary things like a simple hike. The newer and more foreign an experience is, the more it resonates and stirs a passion in me. Those are the things that give my writing an essence. That’s why I feel I naturally attract and gravitate towards worldly people who travel and have had an innumerable amount of experiences they can share with me.

5. Talking! I’m good at talking. I’m great at public speaking, and I have an influential and inspiring presence. My words and energy has power over people and carries the ability to captivate an audience. I can talk about a variety of topics confidently and articulately as long as I’m familiar with it. I can be interactive and people consider me to be interesting. I’m also very animated. I feel that I’d be good at voice-overs. I prefer long, meaningful conversations about philosophical and abstract concepts that are universally relatable to all of us. I love when I uncover or sense what’s significant in a person and drawing that out of them to somehow make it more vivid and stronger than it was before. In group situations, I prefer public speaking. I’ve done it before and found the audience to be receptive to me. In conversational situations, I prefer one on one because I’m able to focus more on a person intuitively.

6. I love experimenting with ideas and exploring my mind for possibilities of various things. It’s difficult for me to bring it to life, though, but when I collaborate with others, I do exceptionally well. I’ve had people who were planning to start a coffee shop or lounging area that has a focus of attracting a health-conscientious demographic share their ideas with me to ask for my insights and contributions of my own ideas.

7. I’m good at educating people. I write well, and I’m a good editor. I help people understand their mistakes but more importantly I give insights into how their writing can improve by making them understand their demographic audience. In some ways, I make them more intelligent and conscientious, so their quality of writing improves because of who they’re writing for. They evolve beyond proper grammar and fulfilling an assignment but demonstrate an ability to understand truly the purpose of the task. Why am I supposed to write this? Who am I supposed to impress? What kind of a reaction do I want readers to have? What impact do I want to make on readers? They look more deeply within themselves and project that depth onto the outside world. The more connected you become to something, the more powerful your work can become. I also educate people by informing them on the best foods to eat and other health related information. My friends have described me as 4/11. Even when I help people, I do it by empowering and educating them. I may just relay what they already know, but that knowledge is strengthened within them and becomes a more powerful presence.

8. I’m an excellent researcher, and that’s why I’m so knowledgeable. I study things I’m interested in. They tend to center around nutrition, holistic approaches, health, emotional balance, spirituality, environmental solutions, and finances (but in relation to how to live within your budget to be a healthy and balanced person).

9. I can make friends easily and quickly. I’m able to find ways to connect with people and strengthen that bond.

10. I’m photogenic. J I like the idea of modeling.

Sabotage, Go Away!

I’m ashamed of my recent behavior. I spent the past few years improving myself. I allowed some negativity to seep away and welcomed positive acknowledgements of myself. I can say honestly that I believe I’m an attractive woman. Even with a petite figure, I consider myself sexy. I used to view sexiness as a sign of curves, which I believed I lack. I have smaller curves but small is still something and it fits my figure. Once I began recognizing these qualities in myself and embraced them, I began to both notice and attract others who saw it in me as well.

As I’m typing this out, I’m having an epiphany. I’ve made progress on a superficial level. Outer beauty only goes so far. There’s so much more to me than what the eye can see. In the past few years, I did more than see what was already there. I became a better person.

I've become empathetic, receptive, and able to help people. Others gravitate towards me and open up to me about their struggles. I offer them encouragement and support. I’m perceptive and personalize my approach uniquely to each individual. I realize the value of self-growth and change. Already aware of diversity and individuality, I know not to force my hand. I’m a dominant personality and have excellent people skills, so the truth is I can manipulate and coerce people to make rapid progress and improvements. But it isn’t the end result as much as the journey, the discoveries and lessons you learn along the way that truly matter. Keeping these things in mind, I make a positive difference in peoples’ lives.

It also allows me to be intuitively attuned, which is essential for me. It’s as much a benefit for me as it is for my friends. Altruism is also a new facet I’ve developed. Being intuitive has also made me more understanding, patient, and tolerant. Awareness really brings these qualities out of me. Impatience, I’ve discovered, is a result of imbalance. It’s a side effect. We have difficulty accepting that we can’t control everything. Intolerance comes from ignorance, a lack of understanding, limitation in exposure, and inexperience. Intuition allows me to understand things at a deeper level, making me patient and tolerant. The apparent struggles in my friends make me more considerate, thoughtful, and generous. I’m inspired to offer them some sort of comfort.

Please know that I’m not trying to roll out the I’m perfect carpet, but I want to bring some balance into my life. I’m so quick to criticize myself and yet I refrain from acknowledging positive qualities. I’m not being egotistical, conceited, or vain; I’m being open and honest. And this weekend has been a demonstration of how I need to embrace all of my positive qualities.

When you have low self-esteem, you’re more likely to reject love or any kind of affection. I’m now more receptive to the attention and idea of guys being attracted to me, but on an intimate level, I still keep myself at a distance. Any sign (I interpret) as his disinterest and I become unpleasant. I’m consumed with negativity and transparent self-criticism. I don’t verbalize them, not out of consideration for others, but because I can’t bear facing the idea of being rejected for being inadequate. Yet everything has energy. So what I’m not articulating is still being subliminally released.

The more abstract and intangible something is like feelings, the more fragile I become. Instead of being open, receptive, affectionate, comfortable, and genuine, I act in contradiction to what I want to keep me safe. I’m rigid in what I hear and glue myself to negativity, unwilling to release myself from it or face the possibility that people change their minds. There’s a guy I like who’s become more affectionate and I can feel his feelings for me deepening, but I remember him withdrawaling. This is a relationship guy who had me and began pulling away. I’m only left believing that it’s because he’s not interested anymore.

Something he said could’ve been interpreted in two different ways and of course I concluded and closed it off as the negative one. He was less intimate but wanted to spend more time with me. He became more affectionate and more open but then he all of a sudden withdrew. When we talked about it, he said he wanted to see me but didn’t want to hurt me and slow down because we were leading towards a relationship and he didn't want to move too quickly. I revealed to him that I thought he was losing interest in me and he said, “No, quite the opposite.”

One can argue that he’s beginning to like me and is taking things carefully. The opposing argument is that he’s withdrawaling because he doesn’t want to end up in a relationship with me and doesn’t want to hurt me. When I wanted to talk to him and call him, I didn’t. He usually makes the effort, so I thought his distance was a desire of his and I didn’t want to counter that with my presence. He thought that was nuts and said I should’ve called him.

When we were around each other, he was fairly affectionate but not as much as before. I suppose if I reciprocated, we could’ve reached that level again. Of course, I withdrew. People observed us sarcastically as the picture of happiness. I was unhappy and did everything I could to almost retain that feeling. I gave him some oranges and took only what I needed. He told me to leave one for him at my place, so he can eat it. It was a gesture that he was trying to warm me up to, but I ruthlessly rejected that orange. How insane is that?

I was snappy and my attitude infected him. I’m not excusing my behavior, but this is also around the same time a few of my friends were going through a hard time. I think I was channeling some of their emotions. Instead of detaching myself from them as I usually do, I felt too defeated to put in the effort that’s required to do just that. It affected my well-being, and I took it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Now I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to give him reasons to not want to be with me, despite what my self-sabotaging actions may suggest.

If every time we get close, I do something to make even the idea of spending time with me appealing, I’ll be securing a no relationship guarantee. That’s honestly not what I want. And how I’ve been behaving isn’t who I am. Of course, how am I supposed to convince him of that? He only knows what he sees. And once the damage is done, it’s done.

I criticized and obliterated my existing positive qualities. As I was developing new ones, it didn’t occur to me that I’ll once again destroy them harshly because that habit is imbedded in me. I thought I was so hard on myself before because I believed what my parents told me. I thought once I believed in myself that my behavior would change, but unfortunately that isn’t so.

Fortunately, however, I’m aware. No matter what happens with him, he’s already proven himself as a friend for life. Even if I ruin my chances at a romantic endeavor, I’ll always have what matters most - our friendship. I see girls being brutal to my friends and eventually it wears on them and they go their separate ways. My friends look back at those toxic experiences kind-heartedly saying that she’s a good person, but she’s too insecure and it was too much for me. No matter how awful they were to them, my friends always saw the good in them. I’m not nearly as horrible as them (not that it matters because it isn’t a comparison or competition), but I hope no matter what I do, my goodness will always triumph.

This plea is more about self-empowerment than it is about rejection because this is bigger than some guy. This is about my self-esteem. I need to be more secure in myself and know that I’m worth it. I need to be liberated from my emotional imprisonments. Not just for any guy who’s involved with me but for myself.