I'm not really sure where to begin. I've been struggling with finding a career for myself for a myriad of reasons. Challenges keep building the way life often does, but it's happened to the degree that I feel like the universe sabotages paths that aren't meant for me. I haven't been very receptive in school, even though I possess the traditional qualities that would make me an ideal candidate. I'm intelligent, ambitious, passionate, curious, and love to learn. But I haven't found a field that satisfies my desires.
I'm not willing to commit and put the amount of effort into a field I'm only half-hearted about. I find myself quickly losing interest and focus on a subject that was at one point alluring and appealing. I sound like once actual work and focus became required that I quickly retracted. It's made me feel inadequate and frustrated, but mostly I avoided addressing these insecurities that have been building in me for years. I'm curious about learning about all sorts of things. I begin projects until I'm intellectually satisfied and then I proceed onto another subject. It's a great way to become a walking encyclopedia, which what many of my friends describe me as. And yet my job experience reflects an absence of promotions or direction.
I've spent so much time feeling poorly about myself but without even giving those feelings attention that it's taken me years to dispute them. I may lose interest in pursuing something professionally, but it isn't because I'm against hard work. I put a lot of effort, energy, and time into things. But when it comes to jobs, I stick to the basics.
Over time I've realized that my field of interests if I were to narrow it down to a single field is actually dynamic and versatile. I'm passionate about food, cooking, container garden, holistic health, and nutrition. I want to find ways to incorporate them within each other. I'm not sure how to get it all started when a friend of mine posted on facebook details of a scanner. Scanners are people who scan a variety of interests and passion, never satisfied with settling on one subject. That's me! I think.....
My friend is undeniably a scanner. You can talk to her once and identify her with all the characteristics of a scanner. I, on the other hand, have learned to suppress and control my scanning tendencies. I hear multiple conversations and have a million thoughts running through my head when I'm talking to a friend, but I'm focused on the task at hand. I have difficulty doing multiple things at once outside of my element, and yet my tendency is to multi-task.
I find that I fill my mind with ideas and projects I want to do only to never complete them because I get distracted by other projects I want to pursue. It sounds ADD, but I know I'm not because when I have to focus, I can and I do. Of course, people with ADD have also demonstrated the same. But with me ever since I've embraced what satisfies me, I'm no longer forcing a disciplined incentive to complete a task simply for the act. When I do this, I'm not enjoying it. So now I scatter around whatever I desire. I'm happier, but it results in very little completion and productivity.
Now I'm excited to learn about scanners and an author named Barbara Sher who explains it in depth. I'm going to pick up her book in hopes to find some sort of direction. What she seems to describe and convey in concrete detail is what I've been conceptually trying to formulate. I believe that if there's something we want that we have to put in the time and effort to obtain it. If it's a career, it could be discouraging, it could take years, but if you want it, you have to look for it. If it doesn't exist, then you have to create it.
I truly believe that. But I've been racking my mind on exactly how I'm supposed to go about that because I feel like I've explored all the other popular, mainstream, and accessible avenues without success. I kept having this feeling that my path isn't readily available, and yet I don't want to give up. So I invest my time testing out methods and opportunities I can feel won't work out just so I know I'm at least trying. This book can hopefully offer me some insights and guidance becuase this floatlessness is becoming frustrating.