Thursday, January 19, 2012

Undocumented Thoughts

Hello readers! For a while I was diligent in my posts, but unfortunately I left my laptop at my friend's place and my habit began to slip through me. In fact, I began writing this entry by hand. I have several titles and topic ideas floating around in my mind. I got done encouraging my mom to write by hand since all her many laptops and computers are unable to operate. I have no reason to not do the same.

Things are progressing, deepening, and lightening simultaneously with my friend I have feelings for. I'm really beginning to like him, but our incompatibility is becoming more apparent. On the other hand, I'm learning to overcome my insecurities which is a real progress that I'm proud of. And no matter what happens I'm so grateful for the experience. The last time we were together it was amazing, intimate, beautiful, affectionate, and the kind of experience I'll always remember. When we were together and intimate, I felt closer to him. He said I was beautiful and I feel like he was fully immersed in not just the sexual experience but that experience with me.

Life offers no guarantees, but I want more encounters like that. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have insecurities that things might be coming to a close because we're spending less time with each other, and I find him less affectionate. So much so that when he does something small like stroke my hair and put his hand on mine, I feel a quiet glow growing inside of me whereas before it was an ordinary experience. What I do know is that I'm going to enjoy this experience for what it is.

I have more I want to express, but I'm not sure how appropriate it is to do it where I am. I'm currently on assignment at a temp position. Although I have nothing negative to report. Quite the opposite actually. I think I'm just paranoid from every other place I've worked at. While I haven't been here long and my exposure is too brief to be able to make an informed decision, everyone seems professional, friendly, and mature. I don't feel an absence of office politics out of extreme desperation to conceal it to a fault where anything and everything said can be interpreted as offensive.

I don't feel like this job is interfering, suppressing, or derailing me from my path in life, whatever that is. In theory, an office job has always sounded ideal. A place where my responsibilities are fairly minimal and manageable so that I can read and catch up writing. But it's often frowned upon to go online even when there's absolutely nothing to do. I've even worked at places where I was forbidden to read. So I can't write, read, go online, or do anything that risks temporarily taking my attention away from the infrequent visitors. It really made no sense.

I tend to be cautious when I first begin working somewhere, but a co-worker assured me that I can go online and my boss seems to not have a problem with it. She even lent me her book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I like that although everyone is professional, they're also personable. I feel like I sometimes lose my identity at an office position, and I want to guard against that. So I created a password that identifies me as a person, not an employee.

I usually hesitate in divulging information about jobs because lately it feels like it doesn't work out, and I'm not proud of how I appear to have a retention problem. I feel like I'm doing well at this job, though. :) I seem to be fitting in well, too. I haven't forgotten what a friend of mine who was originally my manager told me. He recommended that I open up more and not limit how I connect with people by projecting my one-dimensional work personality. With many things I manifest, it takes time especially when it isn't a quick fix sort of situation.

If I want a job, I can manifest that easily. But if I want one that's conducive to me or to eliminate a certain type of energy, that takes a more extensive amount of focus and discipline to manifest. But I feel like I'm making progress. I believe I'll be able to work on writing projects here, which is great because I'm here 8 hours out of the day. Interesting enough, it's a sedentary job that doesn't take much out of me physically or mentally but such an intellectually understimulated environment leaves me dead at the end of the day. I'd rather be productive here and take advantage of the time I have. My mind is clear and receptive.

I work for a CPA firm and it's a temp to hire position. The temporary arrangement is extended until April. Even if I don't stay beyond April, I can take advantage of this opportunity while it's presented. Part of me wants to stay past April because it'd be nice to document a long-term job on my resume for a change. But I'm already experiencing sciatic pain here. Then again, I may have found a remedy. All I have to do is purchase it. It's a homeopathetic remedy that I'm hoping will help me.

I have some concerns about the pain I'm experiencing. It's located on my lower left back below my kidneys. It feels like a pinched nerve. Sometimes the pain spreads to my left buttocks or spreads to the other side of my back. Sitting down really aggravates it. My period seems to trigger it and it lingers. I experience momentary relief until my cycle comes around again. For the past couple cycles, I felt fine. I also experience some discomfort on my lower left stomach area. I feel like the texture changes and feels stiffer during my cycle. I'm not sure what could be the cause. I hear sciatic pain can go away on its own in about 6 weeks. Although I wonder if sitting down is going to prolong the pain. I figure if the pain persists past my birthday, I'll schedule an appointment. Would I visit my primary care physician or gynecologist, though? I wonder...

I also have thoughts about dreams I keep having about someone from my past/present, a conversation I had with my friend about my cultural background, my potential insensitivity that I'll be discreet about, my recent reconnecting with my family, memories of who I was, a conversation I had with my mom, and about my uniqueness I associate with snowflakes. I might just write individual entries about it, though. I also feel like I should take the time to express my insecurities when I'm in a level-headed mood and about the other guy I've been pushing to the back of my mind.

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