Monday, July 25, 2011

Time and All Things are Relative

Isn't it incredible how a seemingly ordinary, single thought has the ability to redefine and change our perception radically? It may even be a common thought, a fact that's been known to us for some time and yet with every changing moment, our perspective alters and it can turn a mere fact into a profound discovery. I wonder how that happens. There was nothing extraordinary about today that turned this reality into an epiphany I just can't shake.

It's July, and that means October is three months away. Actually it's going to be August shortly, so October will be approaching us even sooner. This has always been the case, but that struck me really hard today. My lease expires in October. I feared that I wouldn't be able to survive my lease without a job and was terrified about being evicted. Now I'm nearing the end of my lease, and my apartment hasn't even come together.

Each day passes with an undefined, uncertainty for me. It goes by deceptively slow, making me feel like I have far more time than I actually do as I find myself lost in relative time. This isn't the first time I've written about epiphanies, but there's something startling and unsettling about this one. I'm terrified that I won't be able to catch up with time, that things will never change. It's no longer about discovering something new but the possibility of no new discoveries. There's this presence of anxiousness, anticipation, nervousness, and most frighteningly imperativeness like I have to get something done. I need to create, I need change, I need to define myself, invention!

I met a guy that I really like. He's the first guy I've ever met that I felt I can see myself spending my life with. Note how my intuition or subconscious used the words "spend my life with", not "spend the rest of my life with." That distinction keeps ringing in my mind, as though it matters. I really don't want to burden myself with excess worry I can't do anything about, but it's a constant echo in my voice.

I told him I'm not ready to be in a relationship because I don't even have a job. I'm 27. Eventually my body's ability to reproduce will just die. I didn't realize until last year that I wanted children, so my mind is going bonkers. I didn't feel behind because I thought my priorities were different. I hate that I haven't even focused and developed myself yet, and a guy is what's shocking my senses in check. So much for being independent! Pfft!

I have no idea what I want in life. There are a lot of things I want to do, but none really inspire me to put the energy and effort into it. At this point, I know I just need a job so I can at least decorate my place and enjoy it before I have to leave. But my actions will be to serve a purpose outside of myself. I mean yes it's for me, but they're superficial reasons. My fear is that I'll perpetuate the very thing I've successfully escaped by being unemployed, not getting trapped in existence. I'm tired of working just to wake up and do it. I want to live, I want to have experiences. I know my habits and my actions that I've carried with me my entire life isn't conducive to my self-growth. Okay then, where do I go from here then? Please universe tell me.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Reason Those Barriers Exist

We have barriers in our lives. Some are put there by others, while the ones I find most dangerous are the self-imposed barriers, the ones we place ourselves. Sometimes our subconscious does it without our knowledge, so how can we ever battle it out when we aren't aware of it despite our own doing? Every situation is different, but in my case I don't think barriers are meant to keep me away. I believe they're there for me to overcome it since I mistakenly placed them there as a safety precaution triggered by unfounded paranoia and insecurity.

I started a writing workshop and I found myself struggling to produce any material that might go into the book, you know a beginning, middle, and an end, an actual story. Of course, it doesn't have to go in that order. But much like a relationship, I've forgotten how it all began and am only left with the remaining feelings. How can I ever write a compelling story if all I'm able to express are the bad? That's nothing more than bitching.

To make this story readable, understandable, compelling, captivating, it has to be convincing. I have to share readers how it began for me, how I got hooked, an instrumental key to show why I was there and how the unraveling began in my presence. It turns out I haven't moved on like I thought I had. Life just happened, and I got distracted. It's not like I think about that part of my past. I do believe my emotionally attachment is a factor, but more importantly I don't remember the good. So I'll have to pull inspiration from others, and I can do that. I'm just amazed by how quickly the mind can eradicate the good when something toxic enters. Even memories which you'd think can be preserved get obliterated.

Well, when is life ever easy right? Sometimes barriers are meant to be overcome so we can feel accomplished. There's no pleasure in an easy task. We all like to feel worthy and sometimes the more barriers we build, the more desperate we are to overcome it cuz our fears and inadequacies are eating away at us and we want to shut it out for good.....

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Life is So Fragile and I Don't Want to be the Drowning Man

I'm not particularly a religious person. I'm spiritual, though. I believe that when the universe wants to me to go down the most conducive path for my success and spiritual growth, it becomes apparent especially when I try to resist it for whatever reason. I also know that I have a powerful energy and strong will; I have the ability to manifest my desires when I focus.

I need a job. I've been needing one for a while. I've been lucky enough so far to make rent, but living on temp gigs that may or may not approach is so risky. Since I'm not working and it's summertime, I've been going to a bunch of pool parties where my friend's friends seem to have reputable jobs with some extent of authority. They work for the city or state. Nowadays, it's all about networking and who you know. No matter how qualified you are for a job, if no one looks at your resume, you'll never even be considered. Accepting their help to get my foot in the door sounds great, but I don't like the idea that these guys are offering me assistance as they stare at me in a bikini. That's an understandable resistance, but it's my pride interfering with an opportunity to have steady income. So on the opposing end, that doesn't sound particularly logical to refuse, either.

I didn't decide to budge because I'm getting desperate financially because if that were the case, I would've skipped through the whole stubborn melodrama cuz eventually I was going to hit an inevitable financial plateau. Then what? I resort to what could've helped sooner? Well, that's dumb. But I went camping this past weekend and there's something enlightening about being close to nature.

As much of a free thinker as I'd like to think I am, I haven't escaped social conditionings and perceived notions. Pride clouds my judgment or is at least a factor. There's always going to be opposing thoughts and reasons to hesitate with virtually anything I do. So at the end it boils down to what is worth pursuing and what isn't based on my desires, priorities, and such. In nature where I'm free and I don't have to put up a barrier where I have to defend my validity because I'm a girl, the things that matter the most becomes most audible. I NEED A JOB!!!

And when I'm not too busy being prideful, I'm able to observe that many opportunities like these keep presenting themselves. It made me think of a Christian reference of a man who was drowning and refused to be rescued, insisting that God will save him. After many attempts to save him were unsuccessful and he dies, he asks God why he wasn't saved. God said I sent you rescuers, but you denied them every time! I don't want to be that drowning man.

Maybe this isn't the most ideal way for me to get a job according to my notions of what's considered acceptable and isn't which is subjective to begin with, but when is life ever ideal? My friend's daughter has been fighting cancer for years now, and recently she passed away. Do you think she would've opposed assistance to obtain an opportunity that's much needed? Probably not. A teenager was shot in San Francisco by police, and there's an outrage going on about that, even though death happens all around us. Another friend lost someone in his life. Another, her grandmother. Life is so fragile. I don't want to waste the time I have here over trivial matters.

I'm nearing my 30's as a high school dropout and I have no college degree. As with many things in my life, there are reasons but none of which truly matter cuz while the stories are interesting and outrageous, the truth is it doesn't change the circumstance. I believe there's more than one way to succeed in life, and it isn't through education. I have to find the path that's right for me cuz the universe seems to constantly re-direct me away from sitting inside of a classroom and steering me more towards the battlefield, exposed and right in the middle of it all. I guess I'm gutsy enough to hang. Sometimes, though, I wish I could use a break but whatever, things can be worse.

I'm not ready for a serious relationship cuz I can't even get a job and my biological clock is ticking. Not that I'm really tripping off of that now because regardless of my age and my body, I have desires separate from those factors. But the problem is that I'm so behind in my own life that I have to work harder and faster to catch up, so WHEN I'm ready, not when my age or society tells me I should be, I want everything else in my life to be more or less developed so I can pursue my desires.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Lil About Me

Here is a list of some of my thoughts, opinions, and perspective. Basically some things that make me me. :)

1. There are givers and takers in the world. I'm a giver/taker hybrid. I think it's the best combination and I'm not just saying that because it's the category I fall under. Givers have takers in their lives. It's the balance of the universe. Givers enjoy giving. Takers enjoy taking. The problem with this is that givers deplete of energy emotionally (and spiritually). And they don't take from others to replenish. Takers don't reciprocate by nature.

As a giver, I understand how satisfying giving is. But as a taker, I understand the value of having balance. I don't experience the guilt many takers feel when they need something from someone or somewhere else. I know that by taking, I'm able to harmonize myself and continue to give. As a giver I know how draining it can be, so I try my best to not overtake.

Of course, I fail. But I've finally become the kind of person I would want to be friends with. That's a huge step for me. And I feel like I can finally celebrate who I am because I spent most of my life being one or the other, never combining both elements. That imbalance caused a lot of internal conflict that polluted my life and interaction with others. I'm finally starting to get it right.

2. I'm not a racist, sexist, or homophobe. If you're any or all of these things, I don't respect you. I may not know this about you or have developed a friendship with you before I discovered this, in which case I'm unable to just stop caring about you and I may be civil towards you but know that you have lost my respect.

Don't get me wrong. I believe there are cultural truths to certain stereotypes and acknowledging them reveals to me that you have basic observational skills and can recognize correlations. I also don't mind racist jokes. I think they can be hilarious. Sure, maybe that's callous and in poor taste but I'm thick-skinned, so it doesn't bother me. It's when you judge an entire group of people without taking the time to get to know people do I have a problem.

As a diverse and dynamic person, I know how different people can be. Some people are going to fit into a stereotype. Some people outside of their own racial stereotype will fit into another. Some people won't fit into a stereotype. Everyone's different. Only through experience and open-mindedness can we truly evolve and grow. If you live a life that deliberately stifles that, I'm not interested in that kind of negativity and bigotry.

I grew up in a culture where females are considered inferior, and I loathe that. Women's purpose is to give birth, cook, clean, and essentially support men, so they can strive. But what I never understood is if women are so inferior and we're tasked to do things children can learn which means it isn't impossibly difficult that many Japanese men seem completely incapable of, how are you superior to us? It's a stupid logic, really. And how can men identify themselves as superior when you've never really been challenged by women? It's like a forfeit win. Do you really consider yourself a true winner?

We're all victims of social conditioning, but even as a child I had an unusually high tolerance towards it. I questioned everything and rejected notions I now as an adult understand why I rejected. I got a lot of grief growing up over it. I have no regrets about the position I took and the consequences I had to endure for standing firm in my beliefs. It's shaped me into who I am. Don't ever fucking tell me I'm less than you cuz I'm a woman. Fuck you!

I grew up in San Francisco. I've always been independent and a free thinker. No one could ever convince me of something without my consent, no matter how adamant the opposing force is. You don't like the idea of homosexuality. That's fine. I don't like it, but I believe everyone's entitled to their own opinions. What I do have a problem with, however is when people try to impose their beliefs onto others when the actions of others are of no harm to you.

On a purely selfish level, trying to suppress homosexuality can have a consequence on us. I sure as Hell don't want to end up with a closet gay. Do you? I'm not into the whole gay thing. I love dick. So guess what? I'm not gay! Easy solution. But the opposite position exists. It should've never become such a widespread debate in the first place, but since it has become one, it's a scientific fact that homosexuals exist! Let them be!

3. I'm Japanese-Korean, first born daughter of two very traditional Japanese parents. The ideal Japanese daughter, the ideal Japanese woman is traditional, passive, submissive, domesticated, feminine, and compliant. I'm independent, dominant, aggressive, a free thinker, unconventional, and daring. I question everything and test my boundaries. I'm more abrasive than I am gentle and meek. I'm certainly an acquired task.

I had a difficult childhood as a result, but both worlds presented to me had pain and difficulty laced through it. If I try to stomach what's unnatural to me and disagree with, it eats away at me. If I express who I am, I'm rejected and brutalized for it. But I had a sense of pride and relief, however momentary it was, by being myself. So that's what I chose, and I have no regrets. The pain that came with that decision eventually went away as I became more thick-skinned and comfortable in my beliefs, independent of others. As an adult, I'm finally appreciated for it. :) It's an exhilarating and comforting feeling that I wouldn't change for the world.

4. Most of my friends are guys. I'm not very close with my family, so my friends mean the world to me. I could never be with a guy who won't accept that. It's understandable to be jealous or insecure. That's human nature. I won't blame you for how you feel. I can however blame you for your actions. If you dare give me an ultimatum, you'll lose, baby. A huge part of who I am is because of my friends, and I'm finally proud of who I am. I'm an independent person who prides herself on her individuality. To strip my friends away is like stripping away at my identity. You can't fucking rip apart a person and just tear away at the qualities you don't like about them. Then stretch out the qualities you do like and stitch them back together. That's beyond unacceptable.

5. I'm not really the dating kind of girl. I think guys sense that because guys who want to date tend to keep their distance from me. I haven't really had too many of those the guy picks you up, buys you flowers, takes you to a restaurant, and pays for your meal. I usually know the guys I get involved with, so either he comes over and I make dinner for us or he makes us dinner at his place. I don't really like the idea of the traditional date because you sit down and go through a series of standardized questions that you can honestly uncover through each other's fb. How insightful is that really going to be?

Life happens when you're unprepared and spontaneous. That's also when people expose them for who they really are, whereas dating is a socially-acceptable diversion from getting to truly know each other and prolongs the facade. When a guy tries to be impressive and impresses me, that's a cause and effect. It correlates. I wanna get to the nitty gritty center to see if we get along for who we really are. It's not the positive that tears people apart. The negative qualities are the make or break it deals.

When you're in that dating mode, you're conveying this one-sided version of you which is distorted. I don't want to get used to that illusion. And it's such a waste of time if after all that you discover you hate each other when you reveal to each other your true selves. I'm not for it. Gee, I wonder why I'm single.... But at least I'm honest and real. So I'm at peace with myself. That's more than what I can say for others, so ha!

I just think there are ways to get to know a person without such confinements. It's hard for me to find someone I'm interested in, and it's even rarer to find a guy who likes me for who I am. But when it happens, it's beautiful. I wouldn't change it for the world. I want things to be natural, exciting, fun, and enjoyable. I've never done well in traditional settings. Whoever I end up with isn't going to tolerate that "deficiency" but celebrate that quality in me. :)

6. I fear being vulnerable. I don't like losing control, not having power. Nothing leaves me more helpless than when I start to like someone. That's when my feelings stop becoming compliant. I'm no longer the driver, and I become a passenger. I have no leverage or upper hand. It terrifies me. Most people love that attraction, flood of exhilarating feelings, the lust, but I'm weary of it.

7. Purple is my absolute favorite color. My friend calls my place the "Purple Palace". :) I love that description! I have violet walls and purple trim. There's going to be a customized talisman that symbolizes who I am and who I want to become, as well as a chakra that's customized to my height and body. As the title of my blog might suggest, balance and diversity is important to me. I try to have as many different elements in my home as I can have. Air - plants that produce oxygen (although I haven't bought that yet, I plan to!) Earth - rocks, stones, crystals. Fire - Candles Water - Water in plants and vases.

8. I want to publish a book on nutrition, a memoir, decorating, cooking, and some other topics I'd rather keep anonymous at this time.

9. Outwardly I may look like a gurly gurl, and I've even been given that nickname. I like to wear cute gurly clothes - tulip skirts and figure flattering tops to enhance my slender stature. But I don't take long to get ready. I usually look attractive, but I don't bother with makeup. I'm not into high maintenance and unnecessary time-consuming activities that contribute to illusions. That's just a form of bullshit that doesn't make me feel better because it makes me think I have to do this to be more attractive. I want to spend my time doing things that make me feel good. I like to be natural. And I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. Beauty is so superficial. If I become so unattractive that I need the help of makeup, I won't want to engage in that task because underneath it all, the truth remains. I'll focus on something more enriching. I'm thick skinned. I'm not that weak, whiny Pisces guys initially fear.

10. 3 is a powerful number for me that speaks to me. When I first began getting premonitions, I got them in waves of three. Three is also a very real number. 3 dimensional means that you get to see the person in front of you, you can touch them, feel them, smell them, hear them. It's life. It's also a realistic number to me. It isn't one-sided, metaphorically speaking. There are positive and negative connotations about this number. 3's a crowd. But there's also - who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. The past, present, and future. All of these things include the good and the bad. Life can't have one without the other. There has to be balance - an element between good and evil. I don't like to be sheltered or censored. Diversity is important to me, That's what 3 offers me.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Just Cuz You Believe Something Doesn't Make It Real!

Everyone's entitled to their opinions. I'm a firm believer in that. But when you start approaching things as though your opinion were a fact, your actions have consequences. No matter how adamant you are about your beliefs, once you express something you can't take it back and everything has energy. If it's unnecessary to stir the pot, why do it?

It really annoys me when guys are convinced I really like them or anyone else cuz I seem to "connect" with . I have a lot of guy friends and I'm known to become platonic quick. I rarely like guys. If I told you how few guys I've actually liked, you'd probably accuse me of lying. Liking is such a sacred thing to me. It doesn't just happen casually or frequently for me.

There's nothing wrong with believing that I like you, but spreading it around and turning it into high school is annoying! I hate being put in that situation because there's nothing I can do to really dispel the rumor without fighting fire with fire, a route I refuse to take. I'm not so desperate to clear the air by revealing the truth which generally is something along the lines of the idea of being with you sexually repulses me. Cuz curiously enough, this keeps happening with much, much older men. So it's really disgusting, the notion of it all!

I'm really fortunate to have a lot of amazing friends! People wonder how a woman can have platonic guy friends. I'll tell you how. You meet good-hearted, intelligent men! The ones who are intuitive, perceptive, receptive, observant, aware, and realizes she acts this way with everyone. So she must not be interested in me. Or at the very least they aren't quick to fill their ego. And the key to telling if someone likes someone is the difference in the energy that's unique to that one person vs. everyone else.

If you constantly think I like every person I come in contact with and I reject every notion of it, why would you refuse to consider YOU could be wrong? I also don't appreciating feeling like what I say falls on deaf ears and makes me appear as though I'm lying since no one believes me. No one believes me cuz there's power in your thought when you project it onto others. At the risk of sounding conceited, why won't others believe you? You tell a bunch of older guys that a younger, attractive woman likes you. And since they're people you associate with and the energy we give off is the energy we attract, they quickly believe you. Simple minds come to simple conclusions.

News flash! I have a lot of friends. I'm unconventional, open-minded, and know people from many walks of life. I'm articulate, often times contributing to conversations which is virtually effortless when its a relateable topic. I hate this predicament I'm in cuz now when I defend myself, honesty makes me come off self-righteous, and that's not at all what I'm trying to convey.

Anyways I'm going to continue being honest/self-righteous. The only reason why they think I'm so impressive is because I can relate, which isn't a rarity like a true spark between two people. But again the energy you give off is the energy you attract. If you have this preconceived notion that women don't cook and only eat lean cuisine, that's all you're going to attract. Then another type of woman will be a shock to your system. But that's not because I'm actually this stupendously amazing person. Well maybe I am but not for the reasons you're crediting me for!

You just limit your exposure! And by you limiting your exposure, it has a consequence on me! You make me uncomfortable by convincing a roomful of guys that I'm attracted to them, all of who are the age of my father! If you were more open-minded and receptive, you'd attract more diversity in your life which in hopes will enhance your intelligence, observational skills, and intuition. Instead of carelessly saying crap!

***One more thing - if you're reading this and it sounds like I'm talking about you, then I probably am. Don't apologize to me. This whole notion is disgusting to me, and all I want to do is vent. I don't want to hear you apologize, then feel bad and tell you it's okay. Blah blah blah. It is okay. It's not that big of a deal. I promise. I just like releasing my thoughts here. I'm sure you care about me and had no intent to make me feel uncomfortable. I truly believe that. So please let it go. Don't bring it up. That defeats the whole purpose of blogging about it, so I can let it go!