I was recently fired from a Fortune 500 company job with a lot of perks, my co-workers were a pleasure to be around, I lost a friend, and was threatened a restraining order as an attempt to keep me away from select places I enjoy (not because I was actually stalking someone). Yet all of these changes have left me feeling relieved, hopeful, receptive to the opportunities that are now open to me, and provided me with the peace of mind, clarity, and emotional balance or rightness so to speak that was lacking in the previous circumstance. When your intuition whispers to you that you belong somewhere else, explore the possibility. I found myself rationalizing my benefit of where I was as if I needed the reassurance. Every time I encounter this, some form of sabotage separates me from the path I'm on.
If I'm to break this destructive cycle, I have to create an unknown, unexplored path for a different outcome. Today I auditioned to be an extra and was told that I'm to call back tomorrow to see if I get the part. The woman said I have her vote. I won't know what'll come of it, and this isn't my dream career. But I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone and finally testing boundaries I've always been drawn to. This is a huge step.
I was asked by a good friend to do my astrological chart and I discovered that right now there's something in the stars that's making me particularly emotional, withdrawn, and depressed. I definitely sense it. Instead of embracing my emotional intensity, I've been trying to suppress it, ignore it, and choke through it as I go about my day. Not really knowing what's going on. Now that I do, my awareness is keeping me centered. I feel what's around me and as a result, I'm detaching myself so I can keep my ground. Knowledge is power.
The audition was for a part that's emotionally empowering and raw, so my state of mind was an asset. It's made me realize that we aren't always where we want to be in life, in our careers, with our friends, our relationships, our financial situations, physical health, or emotional well-being. But we are where we are. We can't force change. If we want something to be different, we have to work towards it. That takes time. The transition can be frustrating. We can help ourselves along the way by involving ourselves into a craft that matches where we are at the moment, making our curent situation a value.
Before this perspective I felt like I should be walking around with a public warning for my emotionally-fragile state. But I'm no longer a public warning. :)
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Background: The first time I "became" an adult I was twelve. I know, I know. At twelve years old, I don't even qualify as a teenager. Puberty is a pre-introduction, so how could I have possibly become an adult at that age? Well I was faced with seemingly impossible decisions and made them myself. I realized and accepted the task that crappy choices are still choices. I certainly made mistakes, but I became accountable for my own actions. I had no one else to blame. I had to figure out where I'd stay for the night, how I'll get food, and basic life decisions that most adults make for children.
I started early. Most of my friends are older than me. I learned at an early age things most people struggle to discover as adults. But there's a correlation that people who mature or become adults at an early age are also underdeveloped in some major ways. In my case, emotionally. I'm afraid to pursue relationships, although that's arguably a fear even normal people experience.
Up until recently I never had an interest to drive which can be perceived as an adolescent approach. Children can't drive. Driving is considered an adult task. It means not relying on public transportation which is essentially a poor man's limousine where you rely on someone other than yourself to reach your destination.
You greatly minimize responsibilities such as insurance, car payments, purchase vs. leasing, incentive for good credit or consequence of poor credit, gas money, parking permits, having to make decisions that lead to or not lead to tickets, unexpected auto breakdowns, car accidents, etc. Sometimes the adult decision is to accept that you can't afford these additional expenses without going into debt, a practice too many people are quick to engage in. I, on the other hand, have been working since I was twelve years old had a generous lump of money saved up. Out of paranoia that I'd need to money, I didn't distribute it towards a car which I still don't regret to this day.
People who rely on vehicle become so crippled without one that it amazes me. They practically malfunction and are unable to perform even what children can accomplish. It seems virtually impossible for them to travel anywhere without one. That's just ridiculous, and I never wanted to become that person which I would've become if I began driving because I wouldn't have explored public transit. Plus with my flaring allergies, I couldn't afford a vehicle unless I went into debt. I loathe having an IOU over my head.
My lifestyle supported the absence of a car. I found it liberating to not be enslaved to auto-related finances. To make it work, I had to make some compromises, though. But life's about choosing decisions that suit you best. I lived in an area with reliable public transportation with necessities nearby - restaurants, convenience stores, supermarkets, dry cleaners, laundromats, school, banks, coffee houses, malls, movie theaters, hair salons, drugstores, doctors, hospitals, employment agencies, etc. I created a class schedule that allotted me time to travel to necessary destinations before they closed. I chose to work nearby the places I needed to travel to. It worked well for me. I've lived everywhere from the ghetto, luxury apartments, one bedroom lofts, apartments with swimming pools, in-laws, room rentals, and now a bachelor - a studio minus the kitchen.
I live right across the street from the train station, and it costs an arm and a leg to find parking. I'm surrounded by bars, clubs, and restaurants that never sleep. I live right next to a club, in fact, which despite what you may think, makes it safer because there are bouncers and overpriced valet parking swarming with security. It takes me an hour to get to work, a time frame I never minded as it gave me a chance to read and write on the bus. But this route requires my attention because the bus runs rather quickly. I take the rapid, so I have to pay attention. The extended commute time is no longer rewarding, beneficial, or productive.
Everyone used to hesitate teaching me how to drive or continue to assure me that they will as no lessons have been presented. I refuse to pay for lessons because I'm cheap like that. I recently had my first driving lesson by the first person who kept his word. Hopefully I'll continue to learn. At first I brushed off the notion of becoming a driver because it'll be too expensive to maintain. My rent is inexpensive but parking will raise the price. If I choose to move closer to work, the rent will be more expensive that I certainly won't be able to afford a car. And what if this new job doesn't work out? These are things to consider.
A friend wanted this job to give me an opportunity to get a car. I thought the consideration was sweet, but at the time it wasn't an interest of mine. I never minded the commute. But now that I'm getting older, I'm tiring more quickly. My memory is failing me. And my location requires me to go to multiple places to gather necessary purchases, all through the rapid bus which requires my attention so I don't miss my stop. No downtime to read, reflect, meditate, or write. It's time-consuming and exhausting. It's taxing my body and I find myself malnourished because I'm not interested in cooking. Nor do I feel like taking the effort to buy frozen food which is an extra trip. Then I find myself ordering food at work. I'm trapped in a perpetual cycle.
I can't see this circumstance changing for a while, but for the first time, I want a car. So I can run my errands efficiently and I'm willing to take on the financial responsibilities attached to it. That's huge. There's a company car I could use to run errands, work-related but still....
This could work out because I want to have my license for a while before getting a car. That way insurance payments will be less expensive, maybe not by a lot but less is still less. I'd be able to borrow my friends cars, a choice that doesn't exist at the moment. I could rent a car. It'll bring me closer to an efficient lifestyle. An hour long commute is no longer relaxing as it isolates me from people. It's not a place for my thoughts to flourish. It's just an inconvenience as my energy crashes at an earlier time. So this is part 2 of becoming an adult.
Monday, September 19, 2011
How many times have I whined adamantly that I never take the time to be happy and only post not so happy moments on here? I'm not afraid to reveal to the world that things aren't great, but I'm terrified to indicate any hint of something going well out of fear that it'll slip through my fingers. The problem with that logic is that both good and bad things will enter and exit my life. If I only give the negative stuff attention, that's what's going to resonate in me. So the next time something great happens, I'm going to try extra hard to express it and resist from retreating. We'll see how that turns out...