Monday, November 29, 2010

Felt I Should Drop In

I feel so neglectful. Not having internet has a greater impact on me than I realized and yet less than I had feared. The problem with not having internet at my fingertips is that when I'm most inspired to blog, I don't. Using a computer with internet just becomes this chore and all I want to do is to just facebook and catch up on hours of TV shows that I don't really like because I've felt so deprived and I find myself trying to cram hours of TV into less than hour. Ugh! I can't even do any justice. I had a great epiphany about music and I'm so ecstatic about it but I refuse to butcher that discovery and beauty now in my mentally frazzled state.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Lonely Thanksgiving? Or an Independent and New Tradition?

Thanksgiving always reminds me of my past and relationships. I was with a guy for over five years and Thanksgiving was a huge deal for us because it was the first Holiday we could afford. I was never very close with my family and being Asian, Thanksgiving was never a celebrated Holiday so I was really excited when I made Asian friends who were excited about celebrating it because they've either never had turkey or never get to enjoy it. It was a lot of fun for me. But ever since that relationship has ended, a myriad of reasons have prevented me from celebrating it the way I used to.

Even after we broke up, two years later, we still celebrated together with our friends. He doesn't want to have to do with me anymore ever since he realized that he was still in love with me and it was difficult to have a relationship with someone he really liked. Or so that's what a mutual friend revealed. I can't really be sure. I'm definitely over my ex, but he was a really good friend and because he was a part of my life even after the break-up, I get sad that we're not friends anymore.

And I realized today that I haven't spent Thanksgiving alone since then. I spent it with the guy I was dating last year and his family. This year I really wanted to visit my family. It's not the family I was born into but the people I consider my family. I was devastated when I realized I was working Friday and unable to make it.

So now two days before Thanksgiving and I have no plans. It's sad but I guess this is what I wanted. I wanted to move out and discover what it was like to be with just me. What better way to get intimate with myself than to spend the one Holiday that's filled with social festivities for me? It'll really reveal who I am to myself. I'm just going to have to get used to being by myself.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I Want to Create Colorful Memories :)

I know I've been neglectful blogging, but I've been busy procrastinating unpacking, recovering from an injury, then a cold, becoming re-acquainted with my know that kind of stuff. But I'm doing great. There are finally no more boxes at my place, just small amounts of clutter that have to be designated and organized. If only that would be the end, though...I have like six more boxes stored in my friends garage I have to rummage through. And I have two small chests and an air mattress. And a whole bunch of pretty purple decoratives but no real furniture! So alas I'll have to bed a new bed platform and a mattress because as grateful as I am that my friend gave me his air mattress, it deflates every couple of days!

I've been feeling uncertain about something that deep down I was too afraid to admit I knew the answer to and I finally got the clarity I needed. I wish so many barriers didn't exist in virtually every aspect of my life, but I'm just glad things are going well. I feel like I have to work on my template to enjoy my new life, which is a struggle but definitely the right direction! I guess it all depends on perspective. Part of me felt discouraged because of the unexpected road blocks but that's life. And I'm beginning to realize that it isn't the flashing neon obstructions that matter but the subtleties in life many of us forget to embrace. I want to create colorful memories!

Colorful memories is meaningful to me at the moment, but I want to create overall colorful memories, too! I want to decorate my walls. I want to explore my creativity, an unpracticed habit. I want to make my own space, create my little oasis, and find harmony in my world, something I've never had before and it's something I feel could honestly happen. But in order for that to happen I have to get to work on time. If I screw up even once before April of next year, I lose my job! Why am I always walking on a jump rope?

*Didn't have time to edit this so if it's all garbled up, that's why!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Embracing the New Chapter in my Life

So lately I've been feeling blue. Things aren't quite going the way I had expected in certain aspects of my life. I envisioned having my own place to be a liberating experience. Instead I get into a car accident, lose a friend, found myself slightly immobile, and I felt trapped in a box that looked like it was attacked by boxes. I didn't dwell on feeling discouraged, which is my first mistake because even when I ignore my feelings it always finds an outlet, another manifestation process. This time it was my immune system under attack. I could feel myself getting weaker and I was tired.

When a really good friend of mine who in all honesty sounded like crap made the time to check up on me in spite of the issues and pain going on in his life, it instantly changed something within me. I'm far from satisfied with my life but ignoring it because I don't want to pout about it doesn't work. If anything when I can't avoid it, it gushes out. The most difficult thing to change and the only thing I can change is my frame of thought. So that's what I've decided to do.

My old landlord is trying to evict me even though I don't live there anymore. It's totally a personal vendetta issue because I'm not there anymore and it costs her more money to take me to court. Just trust me on this. She's lost money because of me, I've exposed her husband as the sleaze he is, and it's fairly well known that he bordered on stalking me. But I haven't been served yet and perhaps it's unwise that I haven't gone to the court house to pick up some unidentified document. If the past is chasing me and I ignore it, it's still there. However, my choices remain that I can either interact with my past or not. I moved out to move forward. That's what I'm going to do.

I'm not doing this to run away but I trust that if this is something I can't escape, it'll eventually find me. All I know is that putting my effort and energy into the past right now has left me ill, and I don't want that. I'm embracing a new chapter in my life! Ever since I decided that last night, I've immediately felt my energy return to me. My appetite has returned and I feel like myself again. Oh and I was approved a day off to get this taken care of and the documents I needed weren't there. Maybe it was just carelessness but I took it as a sign because I felt invigorated and powerful when I discovered this as though the universe was juicing me with this sense that it gave me a gift. :)