Friday, April 30, 2010

A Creative Force Surrounds Me

I feel this imperative energy cloaking me. It's one I want to become intimate with but one I've never had the luxury to be a part of. Lately I realized that I've attracted people into my life that are markedly creative souls. These creative people have sought me out on the streets. They live all around me. I see them day to day. I find myself floating around blogs written by creative souls. I'm fixated on this creative fire that's sparked in all of them. What a hypnotic and captivating sight it is! We all have creativity in all of us, but for some of us it's either doormat, stagnant, self-contaminated, self-sabotaged, or obscure and intangible in some way. This is how it's been for me for so long. I want nothing more than to breathe in its fire. I think that burning desire has been heard by the universe. I feel it whispering back to me, but the words escape me. All I'm left with is this creative force surrounding me, coming at me from all direction. As much as I want this, it frightens me. It's pushing me into a corner, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape but one path to follow, a brightly lit, stargazing road. I feel like I'm choking on the words of wisdom I'm forced to swallow. As I gasp for air, I'm left helpless and surging with an external energy that's beginning to infuse with my own.

Ecstasy at Its Finest, Day 120

I was lost in the midst of my compulsive habits, but this unhealthy attachment was this exhilarating and intoxicating crutch that never left my side. It was ecstasy at its finest. As dark and toxic as it's been to my life, I was completely dependent on it. Blinded and invigorated by it. I didn't see its true nature. The fangs clenched into my soul and sucked the energy that gave me life. But the splatters of blood became undeniable. Finally feeling its darkness, I leave behind what I've harbored inside me for so long. And to this day my heart fantasizes for the empty satisfaction, to escape what's clamored and paralyzed me since then.

Desires and Realities, Day 119

Desires and realities are sometimes mutually exclusive, be it self-fulfilling prophecy, a victim of circumstance, or the universe's ultimate plan. Sometimes I miss the neatly packaged me, stuffed away in color-coordinated, labeled boxes shuffled into storage, out of sight, out of mind. Everything was organized, accessible, tangible, and as close to concrete as humanly possible without being dead. Now I'm all splashy and disheveled, my insides oozing out for all to see in this decrepit home I call my heart, steps away from my soul. Humiliated and exposed, feeling weaker than I've ever been. Say goodbye to Miss Calculated OCD Bitch and hello to my inner Pisces! I borderline on insanity as I try to balance between realities, being pulled from corner to corner by my premonitions that take me hostage, paralyze, and spit me out temporarily just so I can recover before the intermission ends and I'm tossed and thrashed around in another roller coaster. And the chaos continues.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Words Linger... Day 118

Here's a facebook status I recently put up when I looked back on what happened earlier in the previous day or, more accurately, how a brief conversation made me feel and the questions it surfaced in me. "Words linger...but for how long? What effect does it really have on a relationship? How do you really know how a person feels?" (I corrected the word affect into effect here. Cheating sometimes rocks!)

The best response, advice, guidance, and words of wisdom I could've received. "You ask them, and trust what they tell you is true. Without trust, there is no relationship anyway. Words can linger for a long time and can ruin a relationship without proper communication and clarity." It gave me something more to think about. And they say guys don't communicate. Of course, it's easier to express this than live up to it, but I believe that when someone has the insights, intelligence, and awareness of this, there's wisdom through experience. There's something powerful about that, and I can't help but be receptive to it.

No words can be truer. Everything my friend shared is dead on. Of course, it's much more difficult to maintain this integrity but most worthwhile things are. It's interesting because no matter how complex the concept behind it is, the advice is straight forward yet incredibly thought provoking. It put me in a state of mind to look deeper than I had anticipated to when I wrote what now appears as something profoundly passionate than the casual intent that naturally manifested into a meaningful expression hidden in my subconscious.

My friend's "Dr. Phil Moment of the Day" was probably brought out under the assumption that I was suffering from romantic troubles, but I wasn't referring to a romantic relationship. I was talking about the dynamics of a friendship; a relationship exists in friendships. Once you vocalize something and the words escape your lips, they're no longer your own and belong to the ears that catch them. There's danger in that; a risk is always involved. It's an unavoidable reality, so I have to be careful and conscientious about who I exchange words between and about what contents to divulge in.

This is the case, be it a stranger or someone you care deeply about. But the relationship you have with that person complicates things and affects how you should proceed. My once friend former boss has openly been deeply caring, compassionate, and loving while secretly being dishonest, sabotaging, destructive, and manipulative, artfully concealing his dark side in an attempt to overcome it through an albeit well-intentioned but distorted approach that was toxic and damaging to many of the lives he encountered. As I saw his candy-coated layers of kindness slowly peel off and progressively unravel an unrespectable side of him, I was paralyzed by this transition more than anything.

Instead of being the daring and vocal underdog advocating for what I believed in, I was processing the shock of this earth-shattering reality I wasn't ready to accept, that his capacity to be one of the best humanitarians in the world that would make me hand select him as one of the best people I've ever known is equaled by his ability to be destructive, a quality he practices on a regular basis. I began noticing signs of it long before he truly exposed his real, complete identity. But I blinded myself from what I desperately convinced myself was inconclusive. Because there was no irrefutable evidence, it was nothing more than speculation and arguably an undeserved one considering the friendship we had and the side he portrayed for so long. Some of the time I was able to see into his darkness because of what's inside of me, not because of what he did. It was at the time, quite accurately, nothing more than an interpretation.

I chose to dismiss and disregard my suspicions even when it didn't sit well with me and I could feel my intuition disapprove of my decision. I may not have been ready to accept and see things for the way they were, but if and when it happened in a way that was undeniable, I'd be forced in a position to take a stand and do it, as unwelcomed as it would've been. It's as though I knew it was inevitable. But until that breaking point took place, I ignored what I felt was going to be him ultimately exploiting and misusing people through a means of tactful deceit and manipulation. It was partly through my silence and absent actions that two girls who mean a lot to me now were taken advantage of and unaware to them at the time gave up other opportunities under a false impression. While his misdeeds isn't a responsibility I'm meant to be burdened with, it still weighs on me as though it was my own doing.

Just because I wasn't ready to accept him for who he is doesn't mean that I would've been willing to believe the beautiful lies if evidence did more than elude to the tragic truth. I just didn't know enough yet. Of course, my friendship with him left me in a compromised state of mind. But there honestly wasn't enough proof to indicate or suggest his final actions.

In life we never know enough to make fully informed judgments until an event unravels, so all we can do is draw on our past experiences, let it shape our opinions, and listen to our intuition. Even the past doesn't portray our future actions; it can give us insight but only the future knows for sure what the next outcome will be. Each experience resonates in all of us, though. How we choose to let it affect us and what we do with that information is at our own discretion. Experiences flavor our souls.

Not everyone has the same flavor palette. But I'm not here to season myself to the preference of others. I want to meet my own standards for approval. I don't want my fears and disappointments to make a coward out of me and define who I am for me. I want to do what feels right and learn from the experience of doing something that felt wrong. I had to make what wasn't an established sense of mistake to realize that I'm willing to take the chance and risk what I think is necessary and feels right. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not, but I think it's important to express myself.

When I do express myself, words linger and resonate in the minds and hearts of those who listen. How long will it linger for? How long will it linger for in my friend? When the thoughts marinade and he realizes that I'm divulging experiences that contaminate a person's perspective about a stranger who may not deserve such distrust that I'm validating through past experiences that may not be relevant in the present, will it taint how he sees me? Will his frustration towards my over sharing deepen his disappointment? And for how long? Is this how he feels? How does he really feel? Deep down I know he knows me well enough to know that I'm a good person and sees that my intentions are true, despite his approval of it. But when I can sense and feel what he feels and it weighs on me, it's easy for me to wonder, "How do you really know how a person feels?"

And how will the words I expressed today to a stranger linger for? How will it effect the relationship she has with her co-worker? She considers him to be a good person, but he's never spoken ill of their boss, while two strangers divulge an abundance of incriminating information against her boss. And one of her informant strangers (me) is evidently good friends with her co-worker. Is this going to make her question his integrity and quality of nature? Will there be an unspoken tension and distrust that arises because of what I addressed?

How will this effect the relationship she has with her boss? Has it opened her eyes to something real and unknown to her because our fears and prejudices shouldn't be hers to carry? Maybe the boss has decided to treat his new employees with the professional integrity we were denied because he learned from his mistakes. So maybe we polluted a relationship that was toxic-free with our own personal vendettas. Maybe we gave her reassurance to a gnawing feeling of wrongness that plagued her, and she was given a warning I denied the girls. That's what she says, but how do we really know if that's the truth? How do we really know how a person feels?

The advice given to me is a good one to follow. The truth is that some of these questions can't be answered honestly as they may change over time. Maybe the answers fluctuate, alternate, or are undefined in its conclusions. Who knows? As for the stranger, it doesn't really matter to me. I feel that it'll linger in her because what was revealed to her today was eye-awakening. Even she probably won't know or understand its effect it'll have on the relationship she has with her co-worker and employer. She expressed how she feels already. And my friend's right. I have to trust that what she told me is the truth. What else can I really do?

This mostly bothers me because I hate this ever-building conflict in me. I don't know if divulging incriminating information is the right thing to do. That's why I have to trust my intuition, something my friend just encouraged a couple days ago. That's what I did. But I still don't know if it was the right thing to do or not. And I hate that ever since I became empathetic that I can sense the feelings of others, some energies are stronger and stay with me for longer. It makes it difficult for me to establish how I feel through the midst of emotional debris. I could feel how he feels and sometimes it's powerful. I know he strongly dislikes what I did. If what I did wasn't wrong, then why do I feel so guilty? Is it because I made a mistake? If I made a mistake, there's nothing I can do about it now.

What's most difficult about this situation is that I don't think there is a clear sense of right or wrong. It's subjective. And gray areas aren't my strong suits. So my insecurities make me question if I screwed up. I trust my friends' judgment, and he clearly disapproves. But that belief system opposes my own. Or at least I think it does. It's more like this confused confrontational tone that's overcasting me.

I just hope I don't discover that I made a mistake because actions have consequences. I know that all too well. My friend heard stories about how his current boss, my former boss and current nemesis, has been repeatedly deceitful to numerous people to notice an undeniable pattern. But my friend's too trusting and willing to give people opportunities (even when they don't deserve it and it puts him at risk) to walk away and protect himself because then he'd be making a decision based on the experiences not of his own, and he wants to leave with something that's his. I respect, support, and carry that same perspective, but I execute it very differently. I take certain experiences and make it my own in a way he doesn't. So I can walk away confidently, while he has to see things through.

Even though his approach and philosophy is mutually exclusive to mine, I encouraged him to see things out not just because I want him to stay true to his identity but because I'm hoping that the boss will demonstrate remorse and behave with a level of professionalism that his employees deserve. Better late than never. And yet here I am warning a stranger about this guy the day I meet her. If I'm that openly divulging information that'll make anyone run away, the boss will never have an opportunity to prove himself as a better man. Then why encourage my friend to see if the boss became reformed? What's the point? The other reason why I suggested my friend stay with the company was because I thought the boss has changed a little. Then, I shouldn't be bringing up the past.

Of course, this lady can choose to stay, but that's highly unlikely. It's not like I didn't know that when I began running my mouth. But that's just it. I didn't make an uninformed decision. Whether my decision to express myself was right or not, I hope everyone involved realizes that I did what I felt was the right thing to do and it wasn't something I did out of resentment, hatred, or revenge. Deep down I honestly believe that everyone knows that, but I worry that people think the worst of me. I know I have one of my friends support and the lady appreciated our insights and sharing our experiences with her. As for my other friend, as long as he realizes where I stand and why I did what I did, that's good enough for me. I deliberately isolated myself and sat alone with my thoughts before I proceeded to divulge anything.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I Dream of Dirt, Day 117

Last night I dreamt that there was dirt in a container that I was stirring. I had recently watered it and the topsoil was still moist, but below the layer, a couple inches deep, I discovered that the dirt was still very dry. That's probably one of my more vague dreams, but I remembered it and decided to record it. I went to or something like that and there were several interpretations, but this is what I feel relates to me.


To see freshly stirred dirt in your dream, symbolizes thriftiness and frugalness. Dirt is also representative of situations where you have been less than honorable and may have acted in a devious manner.

My dreams are symbolizing thriftiness and frugality. I didn't need a dream to give me that sort of insight.

I actually had another dream that was complexly elaborate and I want to write about that but not today. I have a busy week. I'm helping my friend plan a bridal shower. We're going to go to Chinatown today to buy some supplies. I have so many errands to run this week, and I'm hoping that I could move my stuff out of storage into my friend's new apartment before the end of the month. So I don't have to pay $60!!! But they have to move out by then, so I don't want to inconvenience them.

What a burden I must be at times. And I know the best of them and closest to me have thought that before, but the ones who stay by my side are the ones that are closest to my heart in a way they'll never know. It's not because of what they do for me; that's not how I measure my friendship and value, but there's something more special about them, their willingness and openness. They stay by my side and don't think the worst of me. I'm tired of friends who consider me to be a nuisance in their life because those are the ones who distance themselves from me, which is fine, but then they automatically question and try to pinpoint how I'll burden them.

It makes me question myself and the kind of friend I am. I don't think it's a healthy mentality. Considering the kind of life I lead, it's easy for me to believe that I'm intolerable. But then I look at the kind of friends I have, strong, independent, unwavering in their sincerity, their honest integrity, compassion, openness, intelligence, and deep understanding. It makes me realize that while a few bad apples may deduce me as burdensome, to allow that notion to question the gesture and commitment of my other friends are undeserved doubts. If I'm so awful, so many amazing people wouldn't be a part of my life.

A lot more has happened today than when I first wrote this blog before my friend even came and picked me up. I had a conversation with someone I just met about delicate information that may have been prematurely confessed. Although I didn't initiate it, to deny my contribution would be deceitful. I don't know if my actions are right or wrong, but I've been advised to follow my intuition.

The same person who gave me this advice probably disapproves of my actions, but I hope he understands that my intentions aren't malicious, misguided at best. I believe he doesn't think the worst in me, but I can sense how irritated he was. Even over the phone, I can feel it and it affected me more than I would've expected. I'm disappointed because I felt like things were going well until something I did again caused this familiar friction that I fear will dampen our relationship. I know I'm over thinking, but I was caught by surprise when I became so overwhelmed when I picked up on his feelings, whatever they were. All I know was that it didn't feel wrong and it was natural, the flow of conversation. I just wish it didn't hurt him the way it did.

It made me think of the dirt more. On the surface, it was damp but closely below it it was dry. The same thing was considerably different, making the same thing no longer identical and different in some way. And yet, even though it was no longer identical, it was still the same thing. Slight distinctions can make a variably contrasting outcome, but its minor differences can be easily overlooked by its insignificance leading people to perceive something other than what's in front of them.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Limited Premonitions, Days 113, 114, 115, and 116

So this weekend I was going to hang with a friend from high school who was going to be visiting me. I was really looking forward to it because it's been a really long time since I've seen him, and I liked the idea of visiting a positive part of my past. So much has changed, but the core of who I am is intact. It makes me recognizable and familiar to long-time friends. I miss having that unspoken understanding.

I'm grateful for the progress that I've made. I'm glad that I'm no longer emotionally-dead, and I value my friends; I really do. But it's different with my local friends. You guys know this new version of me, and I barely even know who that is. I'm still exploring my identity. Maybe I didn't really know myself in the past, but I felt like I did. It's easier connecting to people when you feel like you have a sense of identity, even if I was an emotionally-detached person who's ability to bond with people was limited. Now I have that ability, but I'm not sure how to connect with others when I can't even connect with myself. That difficulty doesn't exist with old friends. It's just natural.

We have so much to catch each other up on. We were planning to go have sushi at this awesome place the next county over, so we would've had loads of time to chat. I had this whole food porn fantasy playing in the back of my mind. I even sent food porn pictures to a friend of mine. My over thinking already makes me more attached to things than I already should be, but the weak premonition replaced by this undefined sense of feeling that felt like a premonition I suppressed made things even more complicated.

When Friday rolled around I began thinking, even worrying, that it wasn't going to happen. But that's what I do. It's a defense mechanism, so I don't get disappointed when things don't happen. At first it was just auto-pilot. Even I knew that, but as the day progressed, the feelings of doubt developed and deepened into my subconscious in a way that my standardized doubt doesn't set. The defense mechanism eventually just dissolves as the time nears.

So that's when I began to become compulsive, constantly asking if my friend called for no apparent reason. I began to wonder why he hadn't called or why I wasn't more excited, as though I knew there was something to stress about. My friends joked around saying that he didn't care about you, as though implying that I got flaked on. That bothered me more than it should've, and I knew that wasn't the case and not just because I know he's not like that.

But it's the internal conflict that was significant for me. I would've been disappointed if he just changed his mind, but I would've moved on from it. I would've just thought, "Fuck him then," and just go on about my business. It's like I was adamant that there was something else there and I was trying to reach into it to uncover any clues, but I was unable to. That really frustrated me.

Since this is my friend I worried that maybe something had happened to me. But I kept reassuring myself that if something happened, I would've sensed it by now. I wasn't exactly repetitive in this thought process, but I returned to that thought frequently enough that it could be interpreted as though I was trying to convince myself. Mostly I was just channeling my energy into figuring this out but at a distance. I couldn't have predicted what had actually happened.

He got into an alarming car accident, and I had no idea. Well, that's not entirely true. I was even sharing this with a friend of mine that it was more than just a reflex defense mechanism and that it felt like a premonition I was suppressing similar to one I suppressed of him because it involved a theme I didn't want to gain insight on. It made me realize that my premonitions are limited in what I see.

I never get premonitions about car accidents. A friend of mine got run over by his teacher no less, and he took it as a sign that he has to slow down. I had no idea. A mutual friend was surprised that I didn't sense anything. My friend that I was sharing my concerns with about my high school friend sent me an amazing email that made me feel better while he was standing in line for court over a car accident. And this is someone I have premonitions a lot about, but I got nothing.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Polar Opposites, Day 112

Today I saw two people, one person who meant a lot to me and now means nothing to me and another who meant a lot to me in premonitions and now still means something to me, more than he should and less than he is. (It's meant to be kryptic). The encounter was brief, but the experience was surreal in a way. I don't think that's the right word; it was significant in its own way.

My former boss who was once my friend began introducing me as his assistant when I first started working for him, and it bothered me because although it wasn't inaccurate, it made me feel like I was less his friend. Now he's made me realize that he isn't much of a friend to me. It's an unfortunate, tragic, and eye-awakening reality. Today he introduced himself as my friend.

Then the other guy who always introduces me as someone he works with was interacting with me like we were co-workers. And that's fair. Social conditioning and all. But he's actually my friend. Last time I hadn't seen him in a while, and he seemed really happy to see me. He was opening up to me like we're friends. I guess it rubbed me the wrong way that the one who I see as no more than a former employer described me as my friend, while my actual friend acted like we were just former co-workers.

I guess what bothers me most about it is the believability factor. The non-friend can do a convincing job of playing the actual friend. How long after you wear a mask long enough does it actually become your identity? And what if he decides to take the mask off?

The friend who's passive reminds me that we're not really that close. It has a stabilizing effect on this reality, but I can still feel the presence of the other possibilities that no longer exist. And I've come to accept our fate here. But I like the idea that I matter to him. It doesn't really matter in what way, just that I do. And I know I do. But when I see such polar opposite reactions, it digs into my insecurities.

It's Been A Year And What's Really Changed, Day 111

I've been thinking about this all week, and it makes me feel awful. It's spring break at the school I wish I was enrolled in. At this time last year was when things fell apart with him, spring break. It was such a painful and emotionally-awakening experience. He was someone I could've fallen in love with. And I lost him.

I got a second chance with him, and although things fell apart again, I'm grateful for those experiences and cherish them. This time I didn't sabotage it. I wish he felt differently about me. I wish the relationship didn't end. I wish I didn't ruin it the first time around. I could tell that he was a lot more reserved and closed-off the second time around because of what I did to him before. But even with that, I had an amazing experience that I wouldn't have had if I wasn't given a second chance.

I still miss him, though, and I still think about him. It's one thing to look back on a relationship with a guy you could've fallen in love with and wonder what would've happened if things were different. I believe a person can move on and still look back on their past like that. A friend of mine told me that she had a good talk with her roommate about this where her roommate said that we don't always completely get over our exes, that they're a part of us and that that's okay. I think I really needed to hear that because I think I keep bringing him up as a way to try and understand why I'm not over him, maybe so I can analyze it, figure it out, and change it. But things are the way they are.

I guess I just feel really bad and confused because of the circumstance. I didn't know him for very long and we went out for even less. Yes, he's different from any other guy but what made him different? I've known other guys who've done a lot for me, are intelligent, possessed similar characteristics, and I've known them for much longer. Part of me feels like this guy doesn't deserve my heart. It was too soon; it was too sudden, and a year later, what's really changed? He still has my heart.

Even after I found a new boyfriend, I didn't fully realize it but he was still a part of me. Everyone said that it's okay and that may never go away. But I realized after talking to my friend that it's different. It's not that I'm still looking back because my heart's curiosity lingers of the past. I haven't moved on.

My friend said that even though she's completely in love with her boyfriend that there's one ex she thinks of every so often. Her roommate made her feel better about her reminiscing thoughts because it made her realize that those thoughts are just thoughts and while it's something she could never share with her boyfriend, thinking about her ex doesn't make her love her boyfriend any less or any more, it doesn't change the experience she has with her boyfriend. So it's okay. I need to start believing that when it comes to myself.

Well, first I need to move on but when I tried to force that process, it backfired. Ignoring the feelings made me lose perspective, so now I'm going to try a new approach and that's to accept how I feel, be honest about it, and try not to tamper with it. I shouldn't ignore it or remove them. I don't want to dwell on them, either, and I realized that when I tried to get over him that I find myself thinking about him more because I get frustrated with myself that I have to do this in the first place. Why am I pretending that something isn't there? Because there is something there. Why is there something there? Why won't it just go away? Channeling my energy into that is unproductive and stifling.

A year's gone by and what's really changed? I still miss him. I still want to be with him. He's still a part of me. I still think about him. He's of the past, but it doesn't feel like that for me. In fact, my feelings for him haven't faded that it's hard to believe a year's gone by already. Technically it hasn't been a year because our second chance happened after Spring Break, but it was during this time that I became honest with myself about my feelings for him. Those feelings haven't changed a year later.

But a lot more has changed since then. In retrospect I've been an attractive person for a while now, but I've only recently come to realize that. Even as this awareness began to surface, I felt guilty for feeling pretty. Now that I do feel this way and progressively less guilty about admitting it, I look back on my photos and realize that I've looked this way for a really long time. I began to realize how powerful and potentially damaging our perception can be.

I had a friend who used to really like me for a few years. Sometimes I feel like he's still interested in me in some way. But he told me how I have to silence the voices in my head that haunt me and make me feel this way because as I get older those voices will become louder, more aggressive, and more hostile. He's in his forties. It wasn't until recently that he began to feel secure in himself, and I can see him still struggling with it. The more I got to know him, the more I realized that I don't want to become like that. But what really resonated in me was when he made me realize how others saw me.

He said that I, more than others, have to work harder in enduring a stronger self-confidence because the world around me will give me more reasons to feel insecure. I'll meet other people who aren't as attractive as me, aren't as intelligent as me, and they're going to find boyfriends faster than me. I'll notice that guys will like them more than they like me, and I'll notice that there are going to be fewer guys who show interest in me. It's going to be easy for me to question myself and wonder what's wrong with me. He said there's nothing wrong with me, but not a lot of guys are going to like me.

I interpreted that as I'm an acquired taste, and I believe that's an accurate assessment. He said that I'm a challenge. I'm beautiful, intelligent, opinionated, I don't back down, and not a lot of guys are interested in that. There are easier girls to go after. You don't back down and that's an attractive quality, but it's also hard work! He said that the guys that do end up liking me, though, are going to like me a lot, fall for me hard, and it'll take them a long time to get over me. That made me feel better about myself, and it gave me insight into questions that have always plagued me.

It's with that knowledge that I was able to comfortably move forward towards a positive direction of feeling attractive. You have to believe it before it becomes reality. I primarily relate through the outside world because that's what I understand. So observing that most guys showed interest in girls that were less attractive led me to believe that I was inadequate in some way. I've seen guys get their heart broken because they cared that deeply about a person, and I've seen the same guys barely being moved by another girl. It made me feel like in the eyes of most guys I'm that girl that has no impact. Plus having so many guy friends that never tried to pursue me strengthened my belief system.

So what this guy told me really resonated in my heart and still does to this day. He's no longer my friend. That friendship built for over six years and I discovered that his capacity to show compassion was equaled by his ability to be the most manipulative, deceitful, and uncaring person. When he practices his dark side it jeopardizes the health and safety of others, something he risks in his career and day-to-day life. I can't have someone like that in my life. Uncovering this truth and letting go of that friendship has been a life-changing tragedy.

I have girl friends thanks to the guy who touched my heart (the guy I fell for, not the crappy friend). He said that I need more girls in my life, people I can relate to. He was right. He was telling me this while I was having a nervous breakdown and he suggested that I talk to my roommate, but it felt crazy to me. I just met her. The idea of going to her in a flood of tears felt burdensome, intrusive, and uncomfortable for both of us. Or at least that's how it was in my mind. But he reminded me that she cares about me.

How that went down was rather peculiar. When I ran into him, I told him that I live with four people, I live in the living room and share the space with a girl, AND I get along with her. He was impressed. I said that the only dispute we ever had was when I didn't finish eating her bread before it went bad. She feeds me :) So he throws that in my face by saying that I should know by now to trust his judgment and trust in him, that he knows what he's talking about. He says with attitude, by the way, that he knows she cares about me, she gave me her bread, obviously she cares. WTF? I had no idea at the time how absolutely right he is. That's a precise and strong opinion to conclude with such a weak reason. He's really good at reading people, though. He must've sensed for me that subconsciously I know I can trust her. And it was one of the best things that I've done.

I live less inside my head. I discovered that there’s more to life than what the brain can analyze, process, observe, dissect, and other brain-related functions that the mind is confined to. The body and heart feels, experiences, and understands things that the mind can’t even grasp. Since I’ve come to that realization I’ve began exploring other outlets and have had more meaningful experiences. I was no longer emotionally-dead inside and I began feeling human.

I didn’t realize that this was the case before, but I never felt trust for anyone before. I didn’t know that until I experienced it, but it’s true. It was the most frightening and life-changing experience for me, and that’s tragic but also incredible. It’s crazy to go your entire life and not really trust anyone, but it’s even crazier that a year ago is when all of this happened! So yes a lot’s happened in a year and no not a lot has changed. The paradox continues to spin.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

420 the Adult Way, Days 109 and 110

It took me a while to realize what day it was. Friends I haven't talked to in a while hit me up to say let's hang and some friends just backed away from hanging out. Then a friend from high school posted on her facebook status that she was burning sage to smudge her house, the adult way to celebrate 420.

That simple comment made me reminisce about the past especially since I've been feeling a little trapped lately. I can't imagine my future too clearly, so all I have to focus on is the past. Plus with another friend from high school visiting me this weekend, I was already thinking of high school and what it was like, what I was like.

Weed was never my kind of drug. I don't enjoy slowing down my mind or calming down. I should, but I don't. As an obsessive compulsive, I find comfort in my demented over-thinking that distracts me from my thoughts and intense emotions. I've become attached to them. The idea of disconnecting with it is off putting. Plus I'm just so unpracticed at minimal brain activity that it nearly feels unnatural.

I do crazy stuff all the time, but it has to feel right. Even the smallest of mundane activities turn me off if it's not my thing like crossing the street on a red light. 420 is like the super bowl for me. It's when everyone has plans and has a blast, but it's like my National Anti-Social Holiday. And that's okay. I should just prepare for it better.

Since I forgot about what today was I didn't have anything planned, but I liked the idea of cleansing my apartment. I live with four other girls. One girl exploits her sexuality, is vacuous, and superficial. She apparently likes me because she considers me to be attractive, but I don't respect her. I believe that carrying such a discriminating perspective in life manifests energy that exploits vanity, and I don't want it polluting mine. My ex was here recently. A guy who was once my friend threatened me and has been stalking my roommate. Our last encounter was an unpleasant one where he barged into my place, and I live in the living room.

The living room welcomes any energy negative that circulates right outside of where I live. And let me tell you this place is contaminated! You have the "neighborly" hostility between the rockers and the quiet family, the wannabe rebel tweens that lead their chaotic lives, and the few untainted, reclusive individuals that harbor their own karma, and it might have floated into my space. Not to forget the soul sucker of this complex who religiously bangs and rings this unit to the beat of my pulsating headache.

So as you can see, smudging my living quarters is a magical idea! I did it rather unceremoniously by lighting my sage on the kitchen burner and just swirling it around until a thick white fog coated the air. While I was doing this I was thinking about how much more fulfilling this is and how empowering it is for me. Sage is meant to cleanse the air of negative qualities, negative qualities that burden us and enslave us of our past karma.

These things can trap a person's soul and keep it from moving forward. That can lead somewhere deeper into darkness or float around in stagnancy. Neither is good. Weed can have a stabilizing quality, but that can also lead to passivity and a person's hindrance. The kind of impact it has on a person varies on each individual based on their chemical reaction, as well as their emotional receptivity.

Having nothing to do with my drug preference, I don't want to feel still. I want to feel like I'm moving forward. "I'm not where I want to be. I'm not even where I should be. But thank God I'm not where I used to be." Spiritual cleansing is more my flavor.

Besides, my last experience left me unsettled. A trusted friend warned me against doing anything until I learn to control my power. My premonitions allow me to travel to other realities, but I'm grounded enough to know which reality I'm from and I always return. But when I'm high, those realities will bleed. And it has, he was right.

When my mind isn't compulsively fixated on something, it starts to wander to hidden desires. I started to think of him and I remembered what it was like to be with him, to feel the way I did. It all came rushing back to me, but I knew that wasn't the way things are anymore. He was gone. Things were different. He became so much a part of me and just like that, he vanished. All that's left is the memory of him. There's no trace or evidence that he was once here, with me.

How can such a brief presence have such a powerful effect? What is it about him that was so intoxicating and breathtaking? If he was that meaningful and the feelings were mutual, why was it so easy for him to leave me? Is it because I never really mattered to him? Is that why we were able to move on with our lives, as though we were untouched by each other? He was once there, and now he's gone. When we were together, it felt timeless. But now that it's over, it felt like it all ended in an instant, that our moment was too brief to be recorded, as though we never existed.

Two of us never came together. The two of us never came together. That idea haunted my mind as flashes of our past were floating around and muddling with the chaotic tangles of alternating realms, saturating reality with lies, possibilities, delusions, and fantasies. The memories are all I have of him. I want to preserve them, to cherish them. I don't want them to be used as tools to torment me. So for now I build from my past and work my way up to face it, little by little each day until I'm ready as premonitions whisper into my ears and tickle my soul.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

No Vehicle for Expression, Day 108

I made a new friend yesterday through a mutual friend who has the same name actually. How ironic is that? Anyways, I had a really good talk with him. A lot of thought provoking ideas were addressed and I gained a lot of insights. It's always refreshing to meet someone I can connect to in that way especially since I've been feeling a little stagnant in my current friendships.

Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, but I like the idea of meeting someone I can have profound conversations with. I have a lot of those kinds of friends already, but the timing has a lot of significance for me because I've been feeling stuck lately. I feel like my feet grew roots and attached itself to the ground below me, becoming a part of the world. That can be great if you ground yourself in fertile soil that'll allow you to flourish. I, however, am at an unstable and uncertain place in my life right now and not in the invigorating, refreshing, and daring sort of way, either. So new changes are a good sign for me.

We talked about writing, what it means to us, how we're connected to it, and how we'd like to utilize it. I'm becoming more and more comfortable by the idea of expressing myself as a writer, but every time I see someone more talented than me, I feel a little bit smaller. Writing is such a passion of mine. I don't know what I'd do without it. Few people are that connected to it, and yet a ton of my friends have just as much talent in writing compared to me, sometimes more.

I realized, though, that what distinguishes me from people like that and what defines me as a writer is the passion that goes into it, not the outward talent. If you wish to look into my soul, read what I write. My eyes can only show you what I see, but my writing is a gateway of my experiences, emotions, and the depth of my soul. Writing is more than a career pursuit for me; it's my vehicle of expression.

My friend curiously wondered what it must be like for people who have no vehicle for expression and empathized with the struggles of carrying that toxicity around without being able to unburden themselves of it. It's been a long time since I've postulated those same concerns. I'm able to articulate accurately how I feel and I used to be proud of that, when I released something. It's like I gave a part of myself away as a way to help myself. Vocalizing my opinions and concerns through words is my talent. I could feel what the positive transference did for me and I firmly and naively believed that people with poor communication skills were trapped in this disadvantageous circumstance where they would be unable to express themselves. I thought they'd always carry unwanted frustrations with them.

This was when I wasn't aware of other vehicles for expression such as art, music, or whatever people channel to manage the stresses of life. It made me realize how limited I was in my understanding of the world in the past. I used to believe that the only outlet that existed for people was through intellect and verbal expression because it's all that I knew and one I was intimately familiar with. I was aware and embraced its value, as though it was the only source, innocently believing that others were inherently disadvantaged.

I've discovered since then that there's more to connecting to life, to people, and the world around us than intellect. Writing has always been my link to creative outlet and I managed to even conform that into a technical art. But the truth is that there's many vehicles for expression. An even greater truth is that everyone should dedicate a substantial amount of time, more than what many of us already commit to it if some of you guys do it at all towards discovering your vehicle for expression. If you can't find one, then you should create one.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Defining Moments in Friendships, Day 107

A culmination of separate events relating to friendship has forced me to evaluate and reflect some of the relationships and the relationship dynamic I have with the people in my life. I came across a facebook page "As we grow up we don't lose friends. We just learn who our real ones are." When I first came across that statement, I was conflicted in my opinion about it because although I can relate to it, I didn't believe in the statement in its entirety. There are people who I believed were my friends only to discover that they weren't. That means I lose friendships, right? Not necessarily.

As I get older I discover that friendship is a complexity. Through this process, I filter out those who I thought were my friends. But those of you who choose to stay in my life in spite of the debris are the ones I consider family. Thank you guys! Even if we aren't very close, if I can look into your heart, then you matter because I can only look into those who are open and love me for who I am. As it gets more complicated, I find myself less frustrated and more appreciative of the dynamics I uncover because it reveals the depths of a person's soul and the friendship I have with you.

No matter how generic our encounter may seem, if you touched my life, you touched my life. My life is better for it. No one can replace you, replace that experience, or take it away from us. No one person is exactly the same and can touch my life the way you can.

If even the simplest of encounters can change me, imagine those who have left an imprint on my heart. I may not be the most confident in myself or feel that I don't deserve a lot, but it's my friends who remind me of my worth because no matter how low I feel, I never forget that our friends are a reflection of who we are. And I have the most amazing friends. You guys do so much for me and are always there for me. How you treat me and the consideration and thoughtfulness you offer me isn't just for me but is a reflection of the kind of people you are.

When I was afraid of staying in my own apartment because of a guy who threatened me was a defining moment for a friendship I had with someone for quite some time now. I started feeling like she wasn't interested in being my friend for a while, but I had no proof. She and her friends (mostly her friends) would invite me to places, so I tried brushing these unsupportable doubts to the back of my mind. After all I came to this conclusion because she wasn't as social and outgoing with me as she used to be, but we also haven't been as close lately. She has a new life now and if I was open, she would be, too. However with time (and this was an observation I was slow to pick up on because we don't hang out very often anymore, so I didn't notice the pattern), but I've found her behavior to be progressively distanced and, at times, outwardly rude with a hidden layer of hostility that she conceals poorly.

However, moodiness isn't enough for me to end a friendship. It was undoubtedly a deterrent, but I find that when you're friends with someone for a long time, you'll inevitably see an unpleasant side. That isn't enough for me to walk away from a friendship but re-examine it. I've noticed my own flawed pattern. If I don't see a strong enough of evidence that indicates a failed friendship, I maintain it until it completely dismantles.

The unfair reality is that my choices in all this suck. It's the burden that comes with the paradox of choice. But the truth is that I prefer to see things through because that way I know for sure. I'd rather be the idiot who walks into it than the safe, intelligent but cowardly one who never entered the door, left with this feeling of unknowing. I don't enjoy dangling friendships, and in my experience, danging friendships is the first clue to its demise. But at the end of the day, I prefer to see where the dangling friendship lands before I turn away from it.

I'm glad I did because now I feel certain, confident, and secure in my decision to eliminate her from my life permanently. When I was scared for my safety and left a detailed message about it, so it was clear how a guy who lives in my apartment complex threatened me and how none of the girls feel that it's safe for me to sleep here, so much so that they decided to lock their doors at night when they go to sleep, and I'm afraid to sleep in my own home, I didn't even get as much as a phone call to see if I was okay. I know asking to spend the night can be an inconvenience, but I honestly felt like I was in danger. So did everyone else who practically met him. It was clear that I wasn't exaggerating.

Would I have been glad if she said I couldn't spend the night? Of course not! But it's not her responsibility to house me. It's also not her responsibility to make sure her friend is okay, but it would've been nice. I've known her for years. She's not so absent-minded that she forgot. I believe she just doesn't care enough for me to show any concern for my safety, but that reveals more about her own character than mine. If it was another friend or it was in the past, I honestly believe that she would've been more caring and concerned. Since she's friends with someone I've grown to care about, I hope I'm not wrong. Combine that with how she's been treating me, and I could comfortably say that she's become the shady bitch some people have warned me about.


This would lead to a tangent that focuses away from the big picture I want this blog to centered around. So I'm going to copy and paste the rest of this story and create a new entry called, "The Friendship I Can Finally Walk Away From".

---And I'm re-focused!---

As I began delving into that friendship, mentioned above, I felt this undeniable compulsion to explain in elaborate details as an attempt to defend myself as the bad friend because I don't have the best traits a person looks for in a friend or so I believe. I talk until the end of time, which I'm sure is annoying. It requires highly refined auditory skills and I do test because as much as I blab on and on, I seek an interactive conversation at a deeply complex level. I over analyze everything. It must become overbearing at times. I over explain and use more words than I need to, so I'm also time-consuming. I'm opinionated, insightful, and very vocal, at times an inconvenient trait. I have terrible timing. Although I've gotten better, I'm not very emotionally-receptive.

Interacting with me can be a high-functioning, alert task to some extent. I'm a high-functioning intelligent in a lazy sort of way. I'm an intangible paradox, so there's really no easy way with me. As fast-paced as I am, I'm a slow learner. So everyone has to slow down for me especially since I seek insight and knowledge. I'm unable to move forward without it. And yet I speed through time when I talk (for an eternity, warping a person's sense of time) and expect everyone to follow, which has become a realistic expectation because either my friends have become trained or are naturally gifted.

It requires effort, knowledge, intelligence, depth, and insight to be my friend. You have to be emotionally-receptive and intuitive. I can easily be misdiagnosed because of how I present myself. I'm open-minded and want to understand things outside of a one-sided box, but I understand things by grasping at what I already know and my compulsive nature over-focuses on that small element. So when I say I want to understand and really do, I don't look at what I should be understanding because I don't get it. I don't know any better. People have to maneuver me into it. It makes me come off as a one-sided lunatic who wants to earn the title of being open-minded in an unfair, undeserving sort of way. You have to be really bright, observant, and perceptive to realize otherwise.

I'm more familiar with my drawbacks than my positive traits. I am known to exaggerate, but I'm not inaccurate, either. Noticing criticism is a skill of mine, and I use what I know. So my friends feel that blow, too. But I know I'm not all bad.

My friends are a reflection of who I am. The people I surround myself with give insight into the kind of person I am, and bitches like her aren't a part of me. We just go through the motions. Even when she was a part of my life, everyone saw us as separate entities. I need to remember that because as much as I feel that I deserve a better friend, it makes me wonder if that's true or not. After all, she and I were friends for so long. Maybe we were close because we deserved each other. No, we were close because she was a snake in the grass and I was too busy looking somewhere else to notice. Once I realized what she was, I tried to be open about it because I want to accept my friend for who she is. Eventually I couldn't as I saw her true face, but I had to wait for that breaking point to happen.

I go back and forth in dying friendships because I'm not ready to leave it yet. This experience made me realize that as frustrating as it is, I can't leave a friendship prematurely. I take comfort in this because the next time it happens, I'll put a concerted effort in not overindulging in my frustrations and hopefully realize that I'm just going through a necessary process. No matter how livid and ready I am to leave a friendship behind, if I keep looking back, then I must stay until a more defined outcome occurs whether the friendship salvages or meets its death.

That lesson appeared at an excellent time because I have another friend who chose to stop hanging out with me because his girlfriend felt threatened by me. I was really hurt by that because that seems to happen a lot with me. Guys consider me to be one of the guys, so I don't feel very attractive or feminine. When I am noticed as one, it's usually in a negative context that determines the outcome of my friendship with them and defines the kind of man and strength they have. I'm usually the one that gets discarded. I hate that feeling, to feel so disposable.

I used to hang out with this friend a lot. We worked on the same block and would have lunch together once a week. When I got fired from a job, he was ready to go and bitch my former boss out. He kept insisting how he could help me financially if I needed it. And then the second he found a girl he really liked, he decided she was more important than me.

The other friend who decided to not check up on how I was doing, while her friends showed more concern for me even said that this guy isn't a friend to me and that I should leave that friendship behind. It sounded like sage advice and not an unpopular one. Some of the time I wanted nothing more than to oblige to it, but I was unable to and maybe a good year later, I found out why. This friend works at a bank and realized that I have financial troubles. So he got me a care package of groceries! We're talking Ruffles Authentic Barbecue Chips, Sun Chips French Onion, a box of top ramen (quantity of 25), white bread, mini donuts, bag of sunflowers, a box of chocolate cookies, box of crackers, 10 Danish bear claws, and apple juice. Isn't that amazing?

I mean I'd much rather have his friendship and time than his charity, but his intentions are good and a sign that he still cares. This is also a gesture I relate to some of my other really good friends, so I can't end a friendship with him. I realized then that he didn't eliminate me out of his circle of friends; I was just hidden from it. I still feel that I deserve better than that, but it made me realize that I wasn't disposable or forgettable. His choice to stop hanging out with me was more of a demonstration of how weak he is than the kind of friend I am. I know it's cruel to talk crap to a friend who did something amazing for me, but it's true!

There are other friendships that came into my life in a way so delicately timed that I honestly believe it was meant to test me and show me more about the complexities of friendships and people, as a way to help me not necessarily understand fully but learn more about life, myself, and what I can make of it based on my choices and actions. I have the friend that I sensed from the beginning will have a powerful effect and he opens my eyes to the positive qualities in me I want to see. "He captures the beauty within me." I have the friend from high school who's always known me and accepts me for who I am. Even through my selfish tangents that distract me from being more considerate than I should be, he always sees that I'm caring, kind, sweet, thoughtful, and honestly a really good friend. My bluntness doesn't distort into the only side of me that he sees.

I have this one friend, and our friendship is a dangling one at the moment. I'm trying this technique of trusting until I'm given a reason to doubt instead of distrusting until I'm given a reason to trust. With him, he's given me more reasons to distrust him. He hasn't been a very good friend to me. He lies and his kind gestures are more selfishly rooted more than anything. When I don't reciprocate according to his splotchy time line, I'm portrayed as this terrible person.

I hate that because it makes me question the actions of others when they don't deserve it. I want to do nice things for others and I worry that I'd put them in the same uncomfortable situation this guy's put me in. I don't want to make them feel like they owe me something. I want to be surrounded by people who don't make me feel guilty for doing something nice, and I want to be able to accept graciously without wondering if there are strings attached. How he treats me, how he deceives me, and how he makes me feel isn't fair, but I'm not ready to end the friendship just yet. It means that I'll be staying in this lingering state that I hate, but I have to be true to who I am. I'd rather stay instead of walking away from something too obscure to tell at the moment.

It's also important that I don't lose sight of the big picture, too, though. I can't overextend my tolerance, either. After all it's important that I have friends who see me for who I am and not just the side I portray because I can't be all of who I am at the same time. It's like you're seeing me through a magnifying glass, and the glass is only so big. You can only see whatever you're putting up the glass to and its magnified content distorts the image. So it's important that I surround myself with people who are aware of that because it's human nature for people to look at the most exciting of elements, sparks that are firey and watery, intense and bold. It's my subtler qualities that sparkle and truly matter, though. If you don't pay attention, you'll never see me for who I am. You won't find the friend in me that you deserve, and I won't draw out the friend in you that you are.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I Feel the Breeze of Change, Day 106

I'm ecstatic to express that today was filled with experiences that left me with this indisputable, invigorating, everything happens for a reason feeling. First I ran into a friend I used to work with. I find that really meaningful because I woke up today with the intention to move forward in my life in a more positive direction regarding my living situation and work because those two things coincide. It was at that job where things went wrong.

I stayed where I was unhappy because it was easy for me. I made compromises that I shouldn't have made and tolerated things that altered my true identity. I felt like the universe was trying to snap me out of it by forcing a change in me when I lost that job. For a really long time I didn't understand why I worked there only to be laid-off when the original employee wanted her old job back, by the way. But it all seems clear to me now.

This woman has truly inspired me, but it wasn't until after a substantial amount of time did this happen. When we worked, we worked. But as life took hold of her, she gained control back and is continuing to anchor her own life. She's truly inspired me through her blog and what an impact it's had on me and my life. It's the reason why I created this one. Her daringness gives me strength.

The universe works in mysterious ways and the impact we have on one another is something none of us can truly philosophically grasp. I would've never imagined being so moved by a stranger. It's beautiful to me that when I was ready for a positive change in my life that I ran into someone who has such an impact on me. She's doing something amazing for herself, too, and I'm really happy for her. I wish her the best success, and I'm confident that she'll achieve it.

What's even crazier is that I was walking down that street and thinking of my old job. I walk down the street frequently enough and very rarely do I think about that place. And then I run into her. AND I meant to turn way sooner than I actually did. But if I had done that, I wouldn't have run into her. I didn't even realize I was going the wrong way until after we parted ways, giving me time to appreciate that encounter which I thank the universe for.

That's when I felt the breeze of change. Yesterday I was given resources that could give me the opportunity to live somewhere else, a safer and properly maintained place, and create an energy of movement towards a more positive direction. I meant to leave my apartment earlier this morning, and I wasn't able to talk to anyone because I discovered that I have to go on different days. But I believe I was meant to experience this feeling.

For so long, I've been feeling stagnant. The earth element has taken root in my feet and I've been grounded for far too long. Without movement of any kind including the negative fire element or the powerful water quality, I haven't been able to see beyond the clouds. Today I felt the breeze and I trust that it's guiding me. I forgot how it felt or what it meant to trust yourself and feel the universe's presence.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

You Never Really Know a Person, Day 105

So my garden variety roommate drama is officially over. Well, maybe not over...but it's mutated into something more intense and alarming but hopefully it isn't dangerous. I've been living in another unit in this complex for quite some time now because my boyfriend lived there. And I met a guy, his roommate, who I came to consider a friend. He was always polite, friendly, kind, and appeared to be caring and compassionate, even gentle. I've had really long talks with him about traveling, too. I wouldn't have even considered feeling threatened or in danger by him until very recently.

It's made me realize that you never really know a person, even if you live with them. I guess this sounds like a classic case, but when it's more than a generic story that's explained to you and you experience it for yourself, it adds a new dimension to it. Surprise and shock jumps out of you. A roommate of mine has described him as weird to me, but I quickly dismissed it. From what I saw, I said he's one of the good guys.

Up until recently, everyone I know who's had an encounter with him also had only positive things to say. But in reality he's always been one-dimensional. So it makes you wonder what he was trying to hide. I was so busy appreciating his kindness that I didn't question his motives. He gave me no reason to.

That is until now. He's been fixated on another roommate of mine after she had some brief encounters with him. He's been text stalking her even after she explicitly rejected him and some of his texts has included undefined threats but still threats none the less. The comments were left open to interpretation, but the evidence irrefutably indicates a disturbed person. An intelligent man who has the capacity to understand rejection but continues to pursue and reveal a hidden addictive behavioral pattern, as well as a hostile energy deserves some thoughts of concern.

I didn't know it at the time, but his drastic change in his mood correlated with my roommate rejecting him. But as far as I knew, his source of anger and hostility was caused and directed only towards his roommate. The extremity of tension was greatly exaggerated in proportion to the actual problems between roommates, but I wasn't involved nor did I directly witness any confrontations. So I wasn't aware of any of this.

Earlier in the week, my so-called friend barged into my apartment and threatened someone through me. Both my roommate and I had to repeatedly tell him to leave or we'd call the cops before he finally obliged. The threat left us frightened and we all agreed that it'd be best for me to not stay there the night. So I crashed at a friend's place, but my roommate didn't feel that it was safe for me to even walk outside alone where my friend was parked. Even the idea of going just outside sounded unsafe, and it wasn't just her.

A few friends of mine who know this guy told me to stay exactly where I was and they'd walk me to me outside. Virtually everyone who I know that's met the guy and befriended him now fear for all of our safety. I shared my concern with friends in the complex, and we now have a protocol we follow. What does that tell you?

Garden Variety Roommate Conflict, Days 103 and 104

This entry is so ridiculously outdated. Originally I was going to discuss the garden variety roommate conflict that was happening. It was the only drama that was going on in my life. Since the past few days, though, the garden variety drama exploded into something that could turn into something dangerous. But I doubt it'll escalate to that degree. I believe I have it contained, but every girl in my situation feels that way. It's important to be aware of that.

My roommates and I aren't the cleanest group of individuals. I'm rather sloppy and untidy, but I do clean after myself when it comes to the shared space. Mostly I do it because everyone else leaves their dishes for a couple days, and I'm tired of hearing everyone point the finger at everyone else. I could go a day without doing the dishes or even a couple hours, and my one dish would get lost in the heaping piles that accumulated during such a short period of time. I don't want to neglect my dishes, nor do I want to invite a disagreement. So I've gotten into the habit of cleaning everything immediately after.

It's frustrating because two of my roommates are genuinely filthy. One girl took a month until she cleaned her dishes, and it was molding! This other girl takes a substantial amount of time cleaning after herself. Another is responsible for her messy contribution, but she quickly resorts to blaming the other two girls without realizing how much of the dirty dishes are actually hers. If it's a custom made dish, it's hers! If it's a bowl with oatmeal residue, it's hers! She neglects to blame another roommate of ours who almost never eats, but when there are certain tall glasses, it's the wannabe anorexic's. She's also responsible for any tupperware. But alas the girl who never eats is rarely accused of any kitchen-related matter. The spoons are almost definitely hers.

It's annoying because I hear one girl blame the other, and while those girls deserve the blame, she mostly fails to realize her contributions. She'll go a week without washing the dishes that she spends so much time in there and complains that she's the only one that cleans. She does clean more, but that's because her dishes accumulate more. The other girls clean their dishes in about the same time frame, but this other girl seems to carry this mentality that if I don't see you clean, you never do. WTF? After she cleans, she's more conscientious of the mess that's there, so three days later she'll complain about the dirty dishes the other girls are responsible for. But she'll take a good week to do hers.

I admit my faults. I almost close to never sweep or mop. I clean after the stove, and everyone's well aware of that. I've been known to let food rot a couple times. I take out the trash the most but am also negligent. The girls over flood and perfected the art of piling without it spilling over. They'll start a new trash bag and place it next to the trash can. I've never vacuumed. In my own space that others are exposed to, I am sloppy. I let clutter accumulate; I have scattered books, papers, etc. But I do clean the dishes. What's worse than messy people in my opinion are the messy ones who don't take responsibility and blame others because the problem perpetuates. If you don't realize your part in it, how can it ever get any better?

A Shopper's Bargain, Day 102

I recently went to Salvation Army with someone who has the ability to make me feel fashionably inferior within a 30 second period. I'm not a fan of window shopping. It's so time consuming, and I feel like I've wasted hours, time I'll never get back. I could be spending my time more productively doing things that'll guarantee results.

I'm small, so not many clothes are made for my size. It makes searching through the aisles of any store a major challenge. I hate having to be so scrupulous, too. Everything's disorganized. It's overwhelming. You have to wait in life for a fitting room or try them on, while fighting for the mirror.

And especially if you go to a store like Salvation Army, there's no clearly defined aisles with items separated by color and style. If I have a specific item I'm looking for, it distracts me from everything else that's there. Or I'm limited to the choices that's offered. I'm not even guaranteed to find what I'm looking for if it's something specific. With the way things are cluttered, you may miss a lot of stuff or at least I do.

I much rather prefer the modern approach of online shopping. Sure you can't try it on in person, but if you find the right website they offer free returns and follow an accurate size guide measuring the bust and waist size, as well as hem length. That saves me the trouble and I do have the opportunity to try it on. But instead of doing it at a stuffy, overcrowded clothing stores with long lines, incompetent sales associate, exposure to dissatisfied service or outbursts from the employees and the customers, I get to try things on in the comfort of my own home when I have the time within a 15 day period. I'm most comfortable where I live anyways.

I haven't gone shopping for clothes at stores in forever! The last time I did it was during the purple season which only happens like every 5 years! I made an exception then. I went to department stores where everything is neatly displayed, too. I discovered that clothing stores like Salvation Army gives me a headache because of all the splashes of color. It all just bleeds in. That makes the experience and effort even less worth it.

But I did get some gorgeous clothes for $2 a pop. I found two pairs of jeans that fit, but I hate the way it fits. They were $3, and that's a great price. That's why I wanted to alter them, but the person I was with said that I shouldn't do that. If I have that much of a problem with it, I shouldn't buy it because there are jeans I'd like that I don't have to spend any more money on.

I'm so sick and tired of hearing that because people have told me to not buy jeans until I find a pair I like. And I'm personally unwilling to buy jeans that I don't like, which is why I'm willing to spend a fortune on custom made jeans. Everyone promises that I'll find jeans I love for a bargain, and it's been 10 years since I've found a pair that fit to my desires. And even that pair of jeans, I didn't like them until I got out of high school. I purchased them in middle school! I've worn the same size for years, but they finally fit a little better.

It's so annoying because whenever I tell people that I don't like it, they say I should get it anyways. I do because I rarely find jeans that fit me. I haven't found jeans that fit me quite right since I was 14 and I'm 26 now. I always have to get them resized. I found one pair a couple days ago that actually fit me, but I find them repulsive. It doesn't matter what other people think if I don't like them. What the Hell makes people think that as long as they like it, that's what matters? If I disapprove of something they like, they ignore me as though my voice is insignificant. It's only my wardrobe!

When I made that complaint, I was accused of blaming others for following their decision when it's my choice to do what I want. And it's true. I'm not denying that. I'm merely addressing my frustrations about how dismissive people are about my own feelings.

Apparently, most people buy jeans they know they don't like, bring them home, and reflect upon it. How stupid is that? That's why people annoyingly persist that I buy a pair of jeans I know I don't like because they're projecting? Because they're too stupid to realize right away that they don't like it? So I'm asked to put myself in an inconvenienced situation and buy something I'll inevitably return later? The size is still the same if I go home! A shopper's bargain, my ass!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Paradox of Choice and Defining Moments in Friendships, Days 99, 100, 101, 102, 103, and 104

I've been so behind on blogging, but my head's been filled with ideas I want to express and I've had some stimulating experiences. I resorted to recording titles on facebook to remind me of what to write about. Unfortunately the two titles "Paradox of Choice" and "Defining Moments in Friendships", two entries I vividly remember feeling passionate about have become a blurry notion in my head. And a friend on facebook is even interested in my view on the topics...

Knowing the right choice for me doesn't make the decision any easier because I'm burdened with the paradox of choice. I'm well aware of what I'd be sacrificing because choices are no longer limited to two distinct contrasts but is filled with consequences to factor, subjective perspectives that can fluctuate compromising our position yet again, and a myriad of events we can never take back. Our decisions are powerful and influential, determining the outcome of things based on a series of decisions that can haunt us. So why is that a single event can torment us that much and we can't free ourselves from any mistakes we make along the way if life is full of choices?

I decided to work for the wrong person because I believed in his word and I believed that he was the embodiment of what the company symbolizes. The last part is true, and that's what's so toxic about the place. My decision to work for him is a mistake I'm still suffering from.

I was put in an uncomfortable position where I'd have to lie and deceive people at the expense of their health in order to do my job. Needless to say, I no longer work there. The pay wasn't adequate, but I chose to be a part of that company because the vision is revolutionary. I wanted to be a part of something greater than myself.

After being "laid-off" from a job because the woman I replaced wanted her old job back, a reality I can't prove (even though everyone knows it's true), I felt like the universe was trying to teach me something valuable. Even though I felt like I didn't belong there and it was an awful experience that forced me to tolerate mistreatment (something I was entirely unpracticed in before that job), I continued to work there because it was convenient. I received free hair services, my hours were stable (at the time!) and flexible to a student schedule which is rare for an office position, there was a refrigerator that I could use to store food, it was close to work and school, I could study, and it was easy enough to perform the duties. I lived in a place where my name wasn't on the lease, and there was black mold growing in the bathroom. The place was poorly managed and it was jeopardizing my health, but all of my furniture had a home and I got my own room for ridiculously cheap!

It took a drastic circumstance outside of my control for me to move towards a positive direction. After feeling devastated from a failed relationship, I took on five jobs! It was my way of not dealing. When it came time to prune away at the excess, I chose the company that carried a powerful philosophy. I liked the idea of doing something amazing after feeling so awful.

I had to re-adjust my lifestyle to be able to afford the financial decrease. I could've returned to my comfortable, private one-bedroom lifestyle, but I chose to be a part of what I believed was bigger than me. It turned out to be nothing more than a beautiful lie that still affects me to this day. I haven't been able to find a job since then. I get my food from food banks. I haven't been able to pay off my debt the way I would've liked to.

I look back at the decision I made and realize how wrong it was for me. Five job offers and the one I took still burdens me. Choices may be liberating from confinement, but that liberation may not be the relief you think it is. Until something changes, I have to live with the consequences that resulted from my decision.

It makes me feel stupid and naive. I made mistakes in my life, but this is one I want to recover from. I can't allow it to just be another error in my life. It made me realize who my real friends, where my place is in the world, and what the real burden is to become a writer. I've decided that I want to share my experience with the world.

I know that if I do this, I'll officially end a relationship and quite possibly cause a fire storm. But I've made my decision. Not every choice is going to be easy and can be quite possibly painful with life long consequences, but some pain is worth it. I want my mistakes to be turned into something meaningful.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

When I'm Ready, Days 99, 100, and 101

By the time I find the courage to post this entry, it'll be outdated information. I'm just not ready to expose this reality quite yet. As you read this, you'll understand why. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel stupid.

I've always been scrupulous with boyfriend selection. There was a sense of security and safety behind my procedural approach. I virtually learned everything I could about a guy before I started going out with him. My life was unpredictable, and I felt like I had no control. I loathed the idea of being betrayed, so I resorted to indulging and embracing my personality profiling skills, as well as my refined researching abilities before I even considered a guy.

It certainly had its benefits, and it saved me a lot of trouble. I'd know who to stay away from. I was so good at it that I'm friends with most of my exes. Even when the relationships failed, they're such amazing people that we maintained our friendships. I'm really lucky in that way. But lately I realized that playing it safe is just that, safe.

There's no risk, fear, vulnerability, qualities that should exist in a powerful, emotional, intense, meaningful, real relationship. I never took a chance, so I never really gained anything. Eventually the heart will desire something greater. That time came for me.

The first time I became afraid in a relationship was the first time someone touched my heart. I knew he could hurt me because I cared about him, really cared about him. I sabotaged that relationship and to this day I regret it. In the back of my mind, I wonder what could've been about something that doesn't even exist anymore except what's in my heart and the memories I carry with me.

After that experience I promised myself that I wouldn't walk away from a relationship out of fear. I want to make a concerted effort into trusting myself and trusting others. It's easy to "trust" when you have proof, but it's not really trusting. It's confirmation that causes a consequential feeling similar to trust except trust involves believing in something even when the evidence isn't always there.

To trust is to be human. I'm tired of being described as not human. That comment never bothered me before because I never truly understood what it meant. I had no idea what I was missing out on, and now I do. I don't want to be hidden in the dark anymore. I'm already hurting now that I know what it is to feel. I want to have experiences that make the pain worth it. Pain is inevitable. A person can do everything in their power to avoid pain and fail endlessly. But a person can go through life and lead a one-dimensional existence, free of love. I don't want that anymore.

With anything new, I've made mistakes. I met another guy and deduced why we're incompatible and experienced the same reflex disinterest in him as I do with any guy I consider pursuing a relationship with. But this time these were legitimate concerns. I've never entertained going out with guys like him before that I was unpracticed at recognizing and defining exactly why I was put off by him.

I guess this is the learning process most people go through. They try out a relationship for size to see how it fits. It's very much a trial and error method. Only through experience do people realize how it is. It's like window shopping for clothes, which I loathe! You try on a million things only to be dissatisfied by them all. I could've saved myself the trouble by not trying anything on and spend my time more productively doing something else that assured relevant results to whatever my goals are. But then I could miss out on an outfit of a lifetime. I was willing to pass that opportunity up but not anymore.

So I went out with this guy who on first appearance seemed great. (Disclaimer: I've become that girl I used to label naive, stupid, or whatever). I met him through a friend whom I trust, and by the way sarcastically said "Oh and you're welcome for introducing you to him." -____- Sarcasm or not, I thought it was noteworthy. The guy I went out with helped me smooth over some living situation confrontations and legal matters. With his help my rent was regulated as it should've been, and he even helped me move my furniture during the same day that he rented a truck so he could move a refrigerator into his unit.

I have so many amazing friends. I'm often described as the most unlucky person someone knows, but I'm blessed with wonderful friends. That's the one thing, if anything, I've gotten right. I've actually made friends because they were there to help me move when I had no idea who they were! So it's actually not uncommon for good people to help me move, but his actions were well-timed. It kept me from having to move, regulated my rent, possibly go to court, be in further debt than I already was in, and continue paying for an outrageous amount of storage.

It was how it was executed that made an impact for me. He called me because he had thought about me and considered me. It's one thing for someone to volunteer as a way to lighten the load for their friend or agree to help a mutual friend move. But it's another thing when a person especially someone you just met makes the initiative and arranges a task that's so strenuous.

The platonic chemistry was instant, as it is with most people that come into my life. But he helped me more than he needed to. He's already hot and his actions just made him more attractive. He appeared confident and friendly. I connected with him easily, and we had mutual interests in areas that are unpopular. It was a refreshing change. Entering the romantic department with him was a natural transition.

Of course, I obviously didn't know him that well. But I had no idea that he hasn't developed his own identity and he masqueraded the voice of those he surrounded himself by. Is that why he was able to give the impression that he's more intelligent than he actually is because he impersonated me and the people who I associate with? I can't determine if that's the leading cause for our communication difficulty or.......

Dare I say it? Our intellectual distance between one another....that's basically my polite way of saying that he's an idiot. It sounds cruel, but sometimes the truth is harsh and very, very real. I believe our communication problems were a combination of his stunted intellect, my own stupidity that I haven't managed to escape despite my own intellect (intelligence is overrated and not an immunity to stupidity), the fact that he hasn't developed his own identity which led him to inevitably be inconsistent and dishonest at times, and my incessant curiosity that eventually led to the exposure of his facade.

Traditionally there's a unified voice in a single group. He's become refined and skilled at identifying that voice and impersonating it as his own. My individuality and uniqueness must have been a real inconvenience to him. I surround myself with so many different kinds of people and have been told that I'm calibrated differently. I don't understand a lot of things, so I often find myself asking for further insights into what someone says.

Some people would find that frustrating. But I tend to attract and surround myself with people who welcome my curiosity. They don't perceive it as a confrontation, but he interpreted it as a threat because I was compromising the identity he assumed. Since it isn't his own, when asked to elaborate he doesn't know how. It's like he thinks that identity is being threatened and in jeopardy. There's just so many inconsistencies in what he says, which may be a result of being intellectually confused or it could be a consequence of not being himself, knowing himself, or establishing his own identity.

I can't believe I was with someone like that. I'm such a dominant, opinionated, and independent person that I run the risk of attracting guys who want to be dominated and be told what to do because they're unable to do it for themselves. But I want a real man, someone who's my equal and isn't afraid to oppose or challenge me. A lot of women who are like me make these claims and they're disingenuous, but I have a pattern of being attracted to guys like that. Despite my personality profile, I'm not looking for someone to control. I want a relationship and not a professional one!

I want to be in a mentally stimulating relationship where my intellect expands and my emotions evolve because of it. Attraction is important, but I'm looking for a three-dimensional relationship in a real man. I have to be both physically and mentally attracted to him, feel the chemistry, and be emotionally moved by the power of the relationship. I realize now that he didn't offer me that. He doesn't know how. You have to establish your own identity before you can do any of those things.

The problems and challenges in our relationship is like an onion, persistent, unbearable, powerful, deeply layered and complex. He's made some unforgiving comments, but I've been guilty of those, too. So I chose to accept them and move forward in the relationship. He'd snap and say stuff like he never cared about me or couldn't stand me, creating an abrupt distraction during a long-drawn out conversation that was usually emotionally stimulating. He'd apologize soon enough and explain that he didn't mean it, but he's afraid of becoming emotionally-involved.

Now that I'm narrating the events, I feel like such a gullible idiot! Is that such a clique thing to say or what? I believed it because that's what I did in my previous relationship, and I was sincere in my apologies and my actions behind it were truly out of emotional fear. I feel like this guy exploited my empathy towards it. Or maybe he was sincere in it. Who knows? But I do know that he did it way too often that it's intolerable.

The last straw for me was when he said and I quote: "Do me a favor and don't keep me hostage in a relationship I don't want to be in." WTF? Seriously? Now, obviously my perception is clearly one-sided. No doubt I've had my faults, but that's such a reflection of how cowardly he is. He's asking me to release him of this relationship? Really? Because he doesn't want to be in it. So why can't he man up and do it himself? He has to go begging for it? It's so bad to him that he described it as a hostage situation, and yet he can't bring himself to "escape" it. And he considers it a favor. How selfish is that, as though he's the only one in the relationship.

And how he worded it and the perception I drew from it is an insight into how he sees me? I'm so awful that I'm keeping him hostage. And a person who would keep someone hostage won't let a victim go free without his or her consent, so he goes asking for his freedom? Wow, just wow. As if I want to be in a relationship like that! The audacity of this guy!

But the harsh truth I've been struggling to accept recently is that in circumstances like these where I leave myself vulnerable for being deceived is no one person's fault because I create an opening, an opportunity to make such deception a possibility. I'm the one who was unable to see the bread crumbs. It's his fault that he lied and said the bread crumbs aren't there, but it's my own fault for not seeing them myself.

We had problems sometimes because I don't understand things in the ordinary ways that most people grasp concepts or my unique mind would distort something into such an awkward shape that no one understands it enough to de-contort it. Other times it was his intellectual shortcomings spiraling out of control. He's what I label as a desperate liar. People like him aren't the smartest, so they leave a trail of evidence that hints to the final conclusion I came to. He'd say something that'd make no sense and be too stupid to realize where he went wrong, leading him to think that me and everyone else was insane because he didn't understand our viewpoint!

Ugh! That's so frustrating! And evolutionarily disadvantageous at that! Why is it that stupid people are so hard to reason with or instill knowledge into? And stupidity spreads like wildfire, too. You'd think with so many idiots running around that someone somewhere would've made it easier to de-stupidify a person so to speak. Ehhh, so I'm not immune to stupidity. Sue me.

Anyways...back on point. He's not who I thought he was. He's dishonest, deceiving,disingenuous, shady, conniving, and not very bright. He'd admit to lying to me and then say immediately after that sentence was over that he doesn't lie because he's a good Christian, yet that conversation began and existed because he lied. When I remind him of that, he lashes out and says that's cuz you piss me off! That's an explanation, not a justification for lying, but an explanation and certainly not an absence of a lie. When I make statements like that he'd say that's too confusing to understand or "I didn't understand anything you said" or "none of what you just said makes any sense." Wow. Special ed much?

This isn't someone I want to even be associated with, let alone be friends with. It's more than just repulsion or post-breakup anger. After we broke up, he said that he didn't like me and wasn't attracted to me the majority of the time we were together. He was fully aware of this and chose to lie to me. He denied me the truth.

After we broke up I let him borrow my laptop because he doesn't have Power Point. He asked me to review his work and I told him that there are some errors. Before I could elaborate, he told me to leave and take my laptop with me because it's inconsiderate of me to clutter his room. That's not a radical interpretation but an accurate narration of what happened. (In my defense, he wasn't like this when we were together. But I knew we weren't together when this happened. This is what I get for being nice to an ex. My other exes gave me an unrealistic idea of how exes can be).

He said that he didn't want me around and that he was only using me for my resources. Then why sit there and make friendship gestures with me? He hasn't tried to sleep with me or anything if that's what anyone's thinking. He responded by saying that those things (watching a movie, eating out, renting a movie, typical friendship stuff) were his way of thanking me for using his laptop, not a gesture of friendship.

As dishonest as he is, that's believable to an extent. He projects a lot and despite what he says he doesn't do things out of the kindness of his heart. He complains when his gestures aren't reciprocated. It's probably his selfish way of soothing his guilt for using something that isn't his or he wants to be portrayed as generous. Then again, I'm expected to believe that someone who demonstrates such disrespect is doing something kind for mwah? Excuse my skepticism. The next day he apologized and revealed that he only said that because he wanted to play video games and wanted an effective way to get rid of me. Curiously enough this is also when he said that he needed to use my laptop again.

I don't have much of a bond with him. It's safe to say that the impression he made and the identity he portrayed has probably been borrowed. I don't really know him and can't identify any reason why I'd want to be friends with him. He's so fake that he reminds of why I'd rather have no friends than fake ones.

The truth is that I would've officially ended our dying or fabricated friendship, but he's having some severe problems with his roommate. My ex could take this guy, and moving out is yet again another demonstration of his cowardliness, but I personally support his decision because this other guy is unstable and threatened to do something bad if my ex doesn't leave in seven days. He's verbally made threats when witnesses were around, and he has written record of it, too.

This disturbing guy is also stalking my roommate. She went down there to use their internet, and he texts her every hour trying to find out where she is. My roommate's bluntness rivals my own, so she was clear in her intent. One day she told him that she can't talk and he proceeds to ask her what her favorite music is. She explicitly told him that she's not interested in him romantically and doesn't even want to talk to him. Yet he habitually asks about her whereabouts through texts and has been known to enter our place without permission. Very recently he wrote "If you don't respond..."

An undefined threat is still a threat, and what's worrisome about this is that none of us really know him. We thought he was a gentle and nice soul, but he's always been rather one-dimensional. His hostility towards my ex correlates to when he's been rejected. So when my ex didn't feel comfortable sleeping at his own place until he gets to move into a new apartment, I let him stay with me.

I only have one bed, so we slept on opposite corners. I didn't want him there, and although I'm not responsible for anything if he got hurt, I don't want it to weigh on my conscious either. So I let him stay with me. I'm bothered by the circumstance and how it forces me to compromise my position. I feel like I was burdened with that a lot when I was with him. I felt conflicted and questioned the motives of others a lot because I would see how convincingly he'd lie or deceive people. I'm now free of that. I want to elaborate, but that's for another blog...