Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I Feel Better Knowing Than Believing, Days 92, 93, 94, 95 96, 97, and 98

There's an air of mystery that's captivating when all you have is belief, but that's when you allow yourself to believe. I don't have that much faith to believe without a sufficient amount of evidence. I entertain my thoughts and delusions, but I'm unable to base a reality on it. I find that to be a positive attribute, but it also has its drawbacks as with all things.

Sometimes I envy people who have faith like that because they're more optimistic and hopeful. They can see a glimmer of light even in the darkest of hours, while all I can do is see deeper into the abyss that could quite possibly swallow me whole. It would be nice to feel protected and safe, to escape in my thoughts where I could shut out the things in my life I feel is trying to kill me. Then again, that would make me weak. I gave weakness a try, and it doesn't suit me well.

I've come to realize that belief is more necessary and a thought I should be more open to. Believing isn't going to strip me away of my identity like I once thought it would. I could believe with pockets of doubt. After all, sometimes the only thing that's there is to believe. There's nothing else. I still feel better knowing than believing.

I have a really good friend who I'm not very close with. We've opened up a lot to each other and he's expressed that he isn't able to have those kinds of conversations with too many people. So I have to mean more than a former co-worker, right? I guess I'm more invested in the friendship than I should be because of my premonitions. And sometimes I wonder if I matter because in this reality we're not very close. In fact, we barely make time for each other. We don't have the dynamics of a traditional friendship or what's often defined as a friendship.

Some of the wisdom he's given me is the best advice I've ever received, and it's truly helped me. When a person impacts your life that much, they matter, always. That's the way I see it anyways. I like the idea of reciprocating or feeling like our friendship has mutual results. I don't really know how it is with him.

I feel bad because although he knows I'm an entirely different person and sees me as such because anything else would be insulting to both of us, I do feel like I remind him of someone from his past. He's happy to have known her, but there's a lot of pain and scar there that he always carries with him. Her birthday is near mine, and reminders of her, I know, weigh on him.

I sent him an email about a premonition I had and that I hope he's okay. I still don't know if it was a good idea. He was either grateful for the consideration or annoyed by it. He's not petty enough to cut ties with someone's well-intentioned gesture because he didn't receive it well, but we don't really hang out as it is. So my thoughts went to a dark place. I ran into him and saw that he was really happy and pleased to see me. Sometimes I just feel better knowing than believing.

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