There's an air of mystery that's captivating when all you have is belief, but that's when you allow yourself to believe. I don't have that much faith to believe without a sufficient amount of evidence. I entertain my thoughts and delusions, but I'm unable to base a reality on it. I find that to be a positive attribute, but it also has its drawbacks as with all things.
Sometimes I envy people who have faith like that because they're more optimistic and hopeful. They can see a glimmer of light even in the darkest of hours, while all I can do is see deeper into the abyss that could quite possibly swallow me whole. It would be nice to feel protected and safe, to escape in my thoughts where I could shut out the things in my life I feel is trying to kill me. Then again, that would make me weak. I gave weakness a try, and it doesn't suit me well.
I've come to realize that belief is more necessary and a thought I should be more open to. Believing isn't going to strip me away of my identity like I once thought it would. I could believe with pockets of doubt. After all, sometimes the only thing that's there is to believe. There's nothing else. I still feel better knowing than believing.
I have a really good friend who I'm not very close with. We've opened up a lot to each other and he's expressed that he isn't able to have those kinds of conversations with too many people. So I have to mean more than a former co-worker, right? I guess I'm more invested in the friendship than I should be because of my premonitions. And sometimes I wonder if I matter because in this reality we're not very close. In fact, we barely make time for each other. We don't have the dynamics of a traditional friendship or what's often defined as a friendship.
Some of the wisdom he's given me is the best advice I've ever received, and it's truly helped me. When a person impacts your life that much, they matter, always. That's the way I see it anyways. I like the idea of reciprocating or feeling like our friendship has mutual results. I don't really know how it is with him.
I feel bad because although he knows I'm an entirely different person and sees me as such because anything else would be insulting to both of us, I do feel like I remind him of someone from his past. He's happy to have known her, but there's a lot of pain and scar there that he always carries with him. Her birthday is near mine, and reminders of her, I know, weigh on him.
I sent him an email about a premonition I had and that I hope he's okay. I still don't know if it was a good idea. He was either grateful for the consideration or annoyed by it. He's not petty enough to cut ties with someone's well-intentioned gesture because he didn't receive it well, but we don't really hang out as it is. So my thoughts went to a dark place. I ran into him and saw that he was really happy and pleased to see me. Sometimes I just feel better knowing than believing.
No comments:
Post a Comment