Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Ten Things

It's hard to remember why I've kept my distance from my adopted mom and brother when they've always been supportive, caring, kind, patient, and understanding with me. That's the danger and damage with fear. There's this abstract darkness that influences your behavior to do what you don't want to do cuz it keeps you in a false sense of comfort zone. I guess I should just be grateful that I'm finally beginning to reconnect with the only people I consider family.

It's not fair to my adopted mom, but I think having such a negative relationship with my biological mom made me more hesitant to bond with her. Irrational fear. There's nothing more to it. All I ever used to hear from my biological parents is what a disappointment I am. Isolating myself from them made me forget about them, but I guess their thoughts continued to reside within me.

Since I've recognized their presence, I've began to let them go. I still have A LOT of work to do, but it's a start. I've also been talking to my mom and brother a lot more. Writing has always been the one constant in my life, and it's a real passion of mine. I'm good at it, and I'm always persistent. Virtually everyone has suggested I should make a career out of it, and while the idea appeals to me, nothing has resulted from it. So I'm forced to re-examine my priorities and take an honest look at what I truly want out of life. This has been an ongoing dilemma if you've followed my blog, but I'm FINALLY starting to feel like I'm taking it toward a positive direction. I'm so tired of saying I need to do something only for that insistence to highlight the emptiness.

My mother recommended I write 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. That approach is very logical and its purpose is very clear, and yet it's something I've never considered. I've put in the effort to do just that, though. Just like my mom anticipated, those two 10 things began to relate. Here's a list of what I wrote. If you're trying to decide what career you'd like to pursue, I'd suggest doing the same thing.

10 Things I Love to Do:

1. Writing for myself for emotional catharsis, perspective, epiphanies, and channeling that energy we’re all universally connected to (whatever it may be).

2. Having deep, meaningful conversations where I connect with people on a deep level

3. Eat food! Not just to be a pig but to really appreciate the quality of food and innovative ways it was used to prepare and make meals, discovering unique and unusual ways to re-transform something,

4. Have new experiences! I’ve always been diverse, dynamic, and open-minded. I like being stimulated and new experiences offer both an educational and emotional depth.

5. Help my friends, channel my emotions and intuitive nature in a conducive way. Everything has energy and I tend to be receptive to it. I feel my way around peoples’ energies or problems and can detect weak points, strong points, and then somehow gain insight on the best approach to help empower them in their goals and desires.

For example, I have a lot of creative friends and have been described as muses. I amplify what they already know but have suppressed in themselves, strengthen qualities in them they’ve neglected, and address concerns as a way to resolve them.

6. Discover new environmental solutions, multi-use from a single source, using something ordinary to make it extraordinary, re-transforming something plain and unsuspecting of something exceptional and making it exactly that. Basically I love developing ideas. I’m unconventional, untraditional, and rarely fit into any pretext of normality. So I have to individualize and personalize a lot of things to make it accommodating and appealing to me. I push the envelope a lot to see how far I can take something to the edge because that’s when things go alive. I want to see that spark give birth to something that would’ve never come to life if it weren’t for that extra little push. But I also like to do things differently, expand my mind, incorporate an unusual or uncommon practice to end up with something unexpected, and approach something with a popular and acceptable perspective but taking it a new direction, maybe with deviations or linear irregularities. Basically discovering ways to do things differently.

7. Study, practice, and incorporate holistic remedies. I like using mundane things for a powerful effect that’s unsuspecting. It connects and relates to my intuition, as well as my desire to separate myself from popular trends and fa├žades. It’s timeless. It’s interesting, and as straightforward as it is, it’s profoundly educational and complex.

Pineapples become more than a tropical fruit but a pain reliever due to the enzyme bromelain. It gives things dimensions. You know how a girl or guy becomes more intriguing when they evolve beyond just eye candy but opens your eyes to a new world? It’s like that. You find ways to be constructively creative with things that ordinarily serve a limited or familiar purpose. Common things become new to you. Things begin to develop a greater purpose, and that significance continues to spread. The more you learn about how simple things like lemons can be antibacterial, furniture polish, intestinal cleanser, mental stimulant, etc., you become more receptive, intuitive, and conscientious in your actions, choices, purchases, etc.

8. Constructive creativity – this type of creativity I identify with the most because I’m very analytical and precise which are qualities that can interfere with a creative flow. It doesn’t always allow for things to form organically, but it’s also true to my nature. So I’m able to create something that’s most authentic and natural to me.

9. Brainstorming and collaborations – Everything has energy, and I’m receptive to it. I channel people and able to solidify abstract concepts into concrete and usable ideas and solutions to make visions more tangible. It’s difficult for me to make my own art, but I can see the art others are trying to produce and can help expedite the process and/or bring it to life. I need something foreign basically outside of myself, in order to make this happen, though, and that’s why I love collaborations. It’s like I travel into the multiple minds present, and I take and combine each of their essences and tie it all together.

10. Empowering people – I have a strong presence and have the ability to influence people easily. It’s an empowering feeling, and I like giving others a taste of it. I can feel the energy around me, and tremendous amounts of people are uncertain about their lives and insecure about many things. It can become overwhelming. Self-empowerment, on the other hand, is both exhilarating and grounding. I like knowing and seeing that I made a difference in peoples’ lives.

11. Bonus: I like dimensions, dynamics, diversity, and stimulation. I want to be kept interested. I’m more drawn to a little bit of everything than a lot of one thing cuz it gets stale, stagnant, familiar, and eventually no matter how dense the material is, knowing that it’ll still revolve around a common theme, it’ll make me lose interest. I like different angles and dimensions to things.

12. Bonus: I love eclectic, artistic coffee shops filled with diversity in decorative collaborations. Little bits and hints of flea market finds, worldly objects, modern contemporary pieces, vintage contrasts, local artists’ works (not just because it supports local community but also cuz it isn’t manufactured art, it’s fresh, different). They’re more creative, aesthetics is a visual display of diversity, and it attracts more interesting people who want to lounge and converse, rather than rush in to get their joe to go to their 9-5 jobs.

10 Things I’m Good At

1. I’m good at writing. I can express myself easily and clearly. It comes naturally, and it just flows out of me.

2. I’m good at helping people with their emotional problems, inner struggles, difficulty believing themselves, facing their fears, changing their perspective into a more conducive one, or in some way empowering them. My intuition highlights or brings to surface some sort of imbalance, and I’m able to offer some insight or perspective. I provide emotional comfort, clarity in perspective, and leave people feeling empowered.

3. Food related stuff! I can cook, I can eat, I can identify flavors and determine what compliments what, determine which foods are healthiest for various ailments and what foods should be eaten during specific seasons, and I’m also familiar with how certain foods are grown, raised, chemically-altered, and things of that nature. I’m knowledgeable in food from a thorough understanding of where it comes from, how it’s made, and how it impacts our bodies. I take holistic approaches to eating because I food the very simple but necessary, frequent task to be an empowering approach to managing our health. I’ve helped friends start their own catering company, create a menu specifically for people with food allergies, critique their dishes before they launch it at Costco, another major supermarket, or before presenting it to a reputable chef for a job at an upscale restaurant, etc. I’m very precise, direct, and provide constructive criticism. So my insights are often sought after.

4. Being open and receptive to new experiences. While I can be a homebody, I’m not afraid to try new things and, in fact, the idea of it very much appeals to me. That’s how I evolve, grow, and find inspiration in ordinary things like a simple hike. The newer and more foreign an experience is, the more it resonates and stirs a passion in me. Those are the things that give my writing an essence. That’s why I feel I naturally attract and gravitate towards worldly people who travel and have had an innumerable amount of experiences they can share with me.

5. Talking! I’m good at talking. I’m great at public speaking, and I have an influential and inspiring presence. My words and energy has power over people and carries the ability to captivate an audience. I can talk about a variety of topics confidently and articulately as long as I’m familiar with it. I can be interactive and people consider me to be interesting. I’m also very animated. I feel that I’d be good at voice-overs. I prefer long, meaningful conversations about philosophical and abstract concepts that are universally relatable to all of us. I love when I uncover or sense what’s significant in a person and drawing that out of them to somehow make it more vivid and stronger than it was before. In group situations, I prefer public speaking. I’ve done it before and found the audience to be receptive to me. In conversational situations, I prefer one on one because I’m able to focus more on a person intuitively.

6. I love experimenting with ideas and exploring my mind for possibilities of various things. It’s difficult for me to bring it to life, though, but when I collaborate with others, I do exceptionally well. I’ve had people who were planning to start a coffee shop or lounging area that has a focus of attracting a health-conscientious demographic share their ideas with me to ask for my insights and contributions of my own ideas.

7. I’m good at educating people. I write well, and I’m a good editor. I help people understand their mistakes but more importantly I give insights into how their writing can improve by making them understand their demographic audience. In some ways, I make them more intelligent and conscientious, so their quality of writing improves because of who they’re writing for. They evolve beyond proper grammar and fulfilling an assignment but demonstrate an ability to understand truly the purpose of the task. Why am I supposed to write this? Who am I supposed to impress? What kind of a reaction do I want readers to have? What impact do I want to make on readers? They look more deeply within themselves and project that depth onto the outside world. The more connected you become to something, the more powerful your work can become. I also educate people by informing them on the best foods to eat and other health related information. My friends have described me as 4/11. Even when I help people, I do it by empowering and educating them. I may just relay what they already know, but that knowledge is strengthened within them and becomes a more powerful presence.

8. I’m an excellent researcher, and that’s why I’m so knowledgeable. I study things I’m interested in. They tend to center around nutrition, holistic approaches, health, emotional balance, spirituality, environmental solutions, and finances (but in relation to how to live within your budget to be a healthy and balanced person).

9. I can make friends easily and quickly. I’m able to find ways to connect with people and strengthen that bond.

10. I’m photogenic. J I like the idea of modeling.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Making Improvements

I don’t feel like I have a lot of news to offer. My life hasn’t been moving in the direction or speed I’d like (whatever that direction may be). But I’m making improvements in my life. Steps so small that perhaps they aren’t noteworthy if a standard existed. Not that it matters because I’d ignore such a guideline anyways.

I’m no longer being a destructive force ready to annihilate the only person I’ve ever met that I want to be in a relationship with for real and present reasons. I still find myself being unreasonably insecure by his joking words. Even when I’m tempted to brush them off and flaunt a positive attitude, I find myself becoming smaller. But at least its effects are visible to me now. I can fight what I can sense but a silent force that eats away at me is a different story. So that’s progress…

I’ve stepped back and realize the damage I’ve caused. It’s keeping me cautious, conscientious, considerate, and more thoughtful than I’ve been in a while. I’m ashamed at realizing how negligent I’ve become at being a good person. I feel like I took a hiatus on being considerate and thoughtful. Returning back to that state requires assimilation, and that’s rather unsettling. But again at least it’s happening.

I wish I could celebrate more in my life, but unfortunately there’s very little going on in my life right now. It’s embarrassing to become the girl who’s lost herself in a sea of emotions triggered by a guy and her own insecurities. When you wake from such a nightmare, you find other aspects of your life to be in ruins. I can’t revive what’s dead. I can remove the carcasses to make room for new life and create an ambiance that’ll promote new energy.

Before I get ahead of myself and begin working on those aspects, though, I have to give attention to the very few remaining livelihood left in my life. And that’s why I’m changing my attitude. I don’t want him to suffer through the hellish me again. More importantly, I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I’m not certain how the transformation is supposed to take effect. I do know that my unacceptable behavior was a negative reaction to my insecurities. I have to strengthen myself emotionally and mentally. Whether I act out of line again or not, the cause is the problem and has to be eradicated or transformed into a more powerful and positive source because I refuse to have that presence continue to exist within me. It’s an unwelcome energy that’s made itself a guest within my conscious.

Our thoughts become echoes of our subconscious. The problem is we don’t know what our subconscious thoughts are until IT decides to make itself known to our conscious mind. Only then are we included in what’s going on within ourselves because we have off limits inside ourselves. Talk about helplessness. By the time it’s become known to us, it’s too late. Whatever thoughts we’ve carried over the years have taken root in us. That’s why it’s so important to be careful what energy we attract and keep in our lives.

To kill something off and replace it with something better, you have to starve what you want to remove. Make it weak, so it can die. Feed what you want to exist and survive with the nutrients it needs to flourish. So in this case, I want to rid myself of the insecurities that have plagued me.

It takes a surprising amount of discipline, focus, and conscientiousness. I have to recognize what’s strengthening it, which is difficult to do because I’m untrained at recognizing its allies. Once I uncover these culprits, I have to find ways of eliminating it out of my life. Sometimes that’s a real challenge. Now this only applies to the enemies that are present now.

Threats exist and arise everywhere. I have to ignore them but through recognizing them or else it’ll re-enter into my life undetected. Sometimes it’s just a matter of changing my own behavior. When someone makes a seemingly harmless joke like how they’re embarrassed to be around me, I have to paralyze my auto-reflex of almost instantly feeling inferior. It’s like trying to stop myself from free falling when there’s nothing I can attach myself to. Most times I’m not even aware it’s happening, so I’m unable to protect myself against a danger I don’t suspect or see. Other times it’s happening so quick that even with my awareness, it’s already begun and I don’t know how to stop it.

It’s discouraging when I can’t even see what I’m supposed to stop and even when I do, I’m not quick enough. My failure gives validity to my insecurity, telling me that this is why I feel the way I feel because I really am not good enough. I can’t even help myself. That kind of attention distorts reality. I feel so inadequate that I get consumed in it, not making myself receptive to other facts like how virtually everyone fails at something repeatedly before they succeed and it’s actually a building process for success. Without it, success can’t occur. Another word for it is practice.

I’m not going to feel good overnight. But I like to say smile through the bullshit because if you wait until bullshit leaves your life, you’ll only frown until death greets you and takes hostage of you. Or I say smile through the tears because manifestation is a powerful tool. When I’m crying and I’m upset, I hate it. I loathe it. I want to be happy. I want to smile and feel good again. But as long as I’m crying, that can’t happen. If I wait for the tears to pass, I’ll waste so much time. So instead I smile and force the sadness out of me. I give myself reasons to be happy. Why can’t I follow that same philosophy for my insecurities?

Killing things off isn’t unfamiliar territory. While my experience lies in annihilating positive qualities, all I have to do is change my target. Death of negativity is great and all, but there’s a problem when all that’s left is just death. Death of positive qualities, death of negative qualities. Some form of life has to exist for balance. I’ve recently discovered this because once I got rid of negative energy, I found myself depleted and weak because I didn’t replace it with something nourishing. I still forget to feed myself in positive ways. But at least now I want I should.

When I go deeper within myself, I can hear myself whispering lies of how I’m not good enough. If I have to tell myself negative things for those thoughts to stay alive, I have to say positive things to myself so they’ll stay alive. The process in sustaining an energy life force isn’t what’s flawed. What I’m choosing to keep alive is.

I remember believing that if I’m truly a worthy person, I don’t have to tell myself that because saying it doesn’t make it true. Being worthy is what makes it true. But the truth is we get distracted and sometimes we forget. So the reminders are necessary. Negative thoughts have to recycle in our minds in order to survive; we just aren’t aware of it because it’s occurring in our subconscious.

So as lame as it may sound, I’m going to greet myself in the morning and evening saying nice things to myself, just as I do for the people in my life. If they’re good enough to hear positive things from me, I’m good enough too! I have this fear of going stale and just going through the motions. Even before I’ve begun the process, I’m already complaining and indulging in my fears. Not good! But I’ve listened to my concerns, so I’ll be guarding myself against stagnation. Although it’ll be a while before it becomes routine because it’ll take time to believe what I’m telling myself.

I’m an attractive woman, but beauty is skin deep. I’m also a beautiful person on the inside. No, inner beauty isn’t reserved for the physically unattractive. Inner beauty doesn’t discriminate. What makes me beautiful is my friendliness, caring nature, consideration, thoughtful, interesting personality, intelligence, insightfulness, fun spirit, intuition, desire and ability to help people, my altruistic nature, communication skills, talent as a writer, quality of friendship I offer, my open-mindedness, receptiveness, unique qualities, independence, curious mind, good-heart, honesty, flexibility in my life, resilience to life’s chaos, inner strength, opinionated thoughts, great ideas, inspirational influence, supportive and encouraging qualities, empathetic nature, charm, ability to make friends easily, attract people into my life, the presence of spark I bring out of people, the impact I have in peoples’ life, the smiles and laughter I spread to the people around me, the insights I offer them, the reasons they open up to me, and a myriad of other qualities I’ve yet to mention or even discover.

I help formulate my friends’ goals and aspirations. I make it easier for them to deal with their struggles. My smile has the ability to warm someone’s heart. I’m caring and loving. I’m a valuable friend. I would make a great significant other in someone’s life. I’m affectionate. I give personalized attention. I’m encouraging and supportive. I’d make a good mom because I’m full of ideas and want to share experiences. I have a lot to offer. I’m not any less deserving than anyone else. J

I have a lot more to work on. When I began outlining this entry in my mind, I imagined it to be much briefer. But I’m pleased with the new life that was born through this entry. My spark of confidence and self-esteem boost.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Closet of Thoughts

Sometimes our thoughts begin to collect dust even when ignore the very presence of it in the same way we hide away the junk we accumulate over the years. I have this tendency to stow away the feelings I don't want to face and as much as possible remove myself from any exposure that forces me to come to terms with it, which for a while I can do successfully. When I'm put off by something, I subliminally release it into the ether and people feel that vibration. They feel it until I forget about it as new collects pervade my mind and it becomes a distant memory. Then when I find myself faced being re-introduced to that energy again, I evade it much in the same way I did in the beginning until it becomes social conditioning and I subconsciously replicate my actions. There's danger in that especially since bad habits solidify more than positive ones, but there's power in being aware of this. I'm going to take the time to explore my closet of thoughts. I encourage you to do the same. We can all use some emotional cleanses.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Dear God, Goddess, Creator, Lord, Allah, Universe, I Speak to YOU

I imagine you’re beyond words and description anyways. Please look into my heart and help me put the puzzle pieces together. I’m lost, you see. I don’t know what to do with my life or where to go. Paradox of choice, I suppose. I’ve been floating around for quite some time, and I’m growing unmotivated and discouraged as time passes. I feel burdened and weighed down by an abyss of nothingness, and it’s exhausting.

I believe there are signs everywhere, but not every sign is good. So showing me signs isn’t necessarily helpful. Even exposing me to them if I’m unable to recognize them is equally ineffective. I’m intelligent, observant, and aware. But somehow I keep missing them for whatever reason. So please assist me in both showing me the way, as well as making me recognize them. The useful signs.

I’m asking for this assistance because I want to live a life with purpose where I’m fulfilled professionally. Of course, I have other desires. But right now I need to obtain employment with purpose. I’m sick of landing bullshit jobs that eventually slip away either due to incompatibility I know the universe is partially responsible for sabotaging to make me available to uncover or create what’s best for me.

I can do bartending. I can do crap retail jobs. I can go to school. I can travel. But I want to know which one is best for me. Part of that is defined by how receptive I am to it and making the best out of it, but I know there’s something deeper I’m meant to do than what I’m doing now. I need your help.

I really, really feel like school isn’t the path for me. Maybe it’s my belief that’s manifesting that reality. And without it, it could totally be my light. But I have to follow my intuition. You know when you’re exposed to something negative and you find yourself overwhelmed by it? Well I think of school and it feels like a heavy, torturous waste of time. I don’t have the discipline or desire to be there.

Duh, we all have to do things we don’t want to do. But it’s more than that. This isn’t a childish mentality. This is something deeper inside of me projecting this. Besides if I try to fight it as I’ve always done my entire life, I’ll never move forward. I don’t want to waste any more time in a classroom when it doesn’t work for me.

I feel isolated and out of place from either world. I’m smart but not enough to hang in the real world, being hurled into a job without the training. I’m not able to pick it up on the fly. I’m deceptive like that. I give the impression and appearance that I can, but it hasn’t worked. I’m not saying this to be negative but to be realistic and honest. In a classroom, I’m unmotivated, unexcited, and it actually kills my spark of interest. It does more damage than good. I don’t enjoy bitching about this. I wish I could just make it work in either, choices. But I just know there’s something else I’m missing. Please help me figure that out.

We all have natural talents. And when we find a career harnessing that, we’re happiest. Writing is my natural talent. So something with writing. I love the idea of something altruistic. I need a job that’s going to allow ideas to grow and manifest, but they can’t just be voiced ideas. They’ll have to come to life. I need money! I can’t live off of minimum wage. But without an educational background or proper work experience, anything that barely relates to what I might be interested in which is a desperate perception as it is, leaves little room for proper compensation. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Skate Through It

I recently went ice skating, and I'm giddy to report I didn't fall and was able to actually skate! Okay, so being able to ice skate at 27 may not seem particularly impressive, but I've gone ice skating before many, many times and I could hardly stand. I understand the instructions given to me, the proper technique I must execute to skate, but in the past my body has always locked up. I'm not sure why this time it was different.

Maybe it's because I've become more intuitive, can feel that everything has energy and I was able to channel my friend's relaxing vibe, or I've developed a better control of my body and learned to manage my stressors better. After all my body locking up was just a physical reaction to my extreme psychological fears. Without them, I can skate through it. Through my fears, through my thoughts...

Over time I was moving forward more easily but with added tension. Eventually my speed was increasing. Sometimes I had to stop over it. When I sang along to the music that was playing, I was doing much better. Maybe it had to do with the fact that skating required so much of my physical attention that my thoughts began to slip away and somehow it allowed me to deal with some things I've been struggling with. I was able to skate through it.

My thoughts sound the same as what I've told myself before, but this time it feels a little different. It's as if some subconscious epiphany has changed me. Of course, I can't prove it because it's all in my subconscious. That's just my intuition about it. What's in my past and what's behind me is there. I can't make it go away. But it feels nice to move forward, to feel the air around me. And that's what for the first time in a long time I want.

The more enjoyable moving forward is, the more comfortable I'm becoming about leaving my past behind me and even accepting the possibility that my future may not hold who I currently desire. And that's okay. I just have to skate through it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

My Mommy Loves Me

There's a popular saying that I find is often incomplete. "Blood is thicker than water... BUT LOVE IS MOST POWERFUL OF ALL." It's interesting how the last part is often left out. That notion that blood is thicker than water is an impersonal generalization that conveys an aspect of truth for some. While most of us talk in generalizations, when someone reminds us of it we seem well aware except in the case of this saying. Whenever someone tries to argue against blood is thicker than water, people ban together insisting on it as if it were the ultimate truth which is ignorant to me.

Child abusers, pedophiles, criminals, murderers, rapists, and so many horrible people are parents, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins... Things exist in this world that's unbelievably inhumane and we can't possibly understand why people are like that. There's so much we don't understand. And let's face it. We don't even know ourselves or even our family, not truly. Think about how much we all expertly keep from ourselves. We're bound to hide truths from the people around us. So for someone to tell me that the strongest bond only exists in blood ties are victims of their own projections.

I'm not saying this out of anger, resentment, or hostility. I'm no longer an emotional antsy teenager. I'm a level-headed, mature adult. I've had time to reflect on my past, the behaviors of my biological family and my own. I even talk to them now if that's what you call it. I don't feel what everyone's talking about with them. I've given up on trying to convince others who aren't interested in my perspective or experiences.

Not everything is made equal. I don't have that connection with my biological family, but I was fortunate enough to find one with my adoptive family. Much in the same way I hesitate to embrace when I'm happy, I keep myself at a distance from them. I feel like if I have no concrete evidence to be happy then embracing it will only become painful when the sadness sets in which has always been more real to me. The truth is happiness and sadness are emotions born from the same obscurity and abstraction. It's our perception that makes either one come to life more. Neither are truly tangible, so waiting around until I can feel, hold, and touch the happiness makes no sense.

Since I've created this blog, I've been saying that I'll embrace when I'm happy by expressing it and yet it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I ambiguously did just that. I created this blog two years ago. So this is going to take time, but I don't want to be absent in my mom and brother's life the way I have been all this time. Once I fully become aware of something, putting it into practice takes time. But it's a start.

I make excuses like we won't have anything to talk about, but the truth is every time I talk to them, we're never at a loss for words. I create irrational, inapplicable reasons to keep me in my "safe" zone. I just wish I had more to offer. I'm twenty seven with no boyfriend, no college credentials, no career path, and a limited background. But I got a text today from my mom saying that she loves me and is proud of the woman I'm becoming. Those qualities she's speaking of aren't based on superficial standards our society deems valuable; they're qualities that make me me. :)

I'm the only one seeing faults. I shouldn't stay away from them over it. Besides there's more at stake than me trying to keep myself safe where danger doesn't exist. My mom's going to have reconstructive knee surgery soon just in time for Thanksgiving... Knee surgeries are so delicate and can sometimes leave you worse off. She knows that. And Thanksgiving has always been a big deal for her, so it's going to pain her to have to sit this one out. I really should be there for her.

My brother and I talked about how we're going to be preparing Thanksgiving for her, and I can't even make it. I had exactly $30 leftover after I paid rent. Luckily I came into extra cash. Thank goodness for side hustle and my networking skills but not in time to secure a ticket back home. To make matters worse, I haven't been able to get a hold of my brother. Has he neglected to pay his cell phone or is it one of the crappy issues my phone is having? I think I'm going to close this entry out cuz it's starting to become depressing. My point is that my mom loves me for who I'm becoming, not the building components society deems valuable. :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Purpose Through Employment

While I can't say stagnancy has left my side, the air that's lifted around me and my recent exposure to the stillness has made me particularly sensitive to the transitional elements between both states. I realized that stagnancy is heavy but builds slowly, so you never see it until it's too late. You only know its presence when it's paralyzing and by then your senses have significantly deadened. It's imperative to snap out of it but where do you go? That's how I kept wasting my time. By waiting for something to whisk me away, move the energy around me, or find something that'll allow a shift within me, I was rotting away in the stillness of time.

When we become victim to stagnancy, we search and long to escape it. But that's a poor approach because finding something that exhilarates us takes time. It's without a doubt worth exploring, but sometimes a swift change in environment is what's needed. So putting forth our efforts and energy into a long and tedious task is an error. As my state of mind began to alter, I realized we have to manifest our desires through our emotions, that intensity that stirs in us that stagnancy has made doormat. No matter how much we disconnect to it, we're human. We're emotional by nature. It's just a matter of tapping into that. In our innate humanity exists our desire to soar, tap into that and we're able to lift from our funk.

As I took my first breath of fresh air in a long while, I was immersed in an abstract energy that's still lingering around me. Maybe that's what's protecting me from becoming stagnant again. I've spent more time exploring what I want to do with my life, a tireless task and one that's become more and more mundane which is kinda self-defeating when you think about it. But this time I didn't delve "deeper" the way I normally do. My version of delving deeper is a formulaic approach of analyses that buries me deeper and deeper into facts, while separating me from an untapped passion that at best has simmered. I don't know if I was aware of that before, though.

I've been doing this same dance around job, career, a need for finance to survive in this society, etc etc. I'm tired of seeking jobs, not careers, because it leaves me unsatisfied. It's terrible for my self-esteem. And then I feel weak for so easily feeling inadequate over a job. Why am I that invested in it? But searching for careers is just discouraging as I'm ineligible for so many of them. And I can feel in my core that going to school isn't my path. I'm running out of time. I shouldn't be wasting it sitting in a classroom where I feel stifled and under stimulated. I know I'm missing a link.

I always tell people about how important it is to take the time to find your true passion, no matter how time consuming and discouraging it is. We either put forth the energy towards obtaining a life that we truly want or we wither away, merely existing. If you can't find what you're looking for or it doesn't exist, you have to create it. How is it that I express this powerful message with alarming results of epiphanies in others and it's only now I'm sensing its true power? Even though it came from me. I guess it's true what they say. You never really know your own light. It's hard to know yourself until you step back and take a look from the other side. Only then are you able to get a glimpse of what others see.

Sometimes all I need is a little exposure to open my mind. I realized that I'm going to overcome this stagnancy and protect myself from future attacks by searching for purpose through employment. No more weakening myself over the power of words like jobs and careers. That just leads down an overbearing path. By doing this, I'm open, receptive, and I look forward to this endeavor. It's been a long time since I've felt this way.

I've looked through cruise jobs and a few non-profits including teaching English as a second language. I'm hoping to obtain more knowledge towards non-profits. But I'll need some sort of income. I'd love to work with kids, do something educational, maybe start a community garden, be a youth group leader/coordinator, help build shelter, or counsel people.

Without the educational training or employment experience, compensation will be low. Then again, compensation in these fields are low anyways. Had I have gone to school, that extra cash flow would only be distributed to tuition loans. So I'd essentially have the same amount of play money as I do now based on my experience and background. Money is only prevalent in this society because it's required to sustain a living.

I'll need a roof over my head and hopefully these organizations can offer me that. Then I really won't need a lot of money. Food is of course also a factor. I imagine myself being in a community area where food will be shared by all, and I'll be more than happy to grow and cook for contribution. I really hope I find the resources, existing organizations, and the courage to proceed with this.

The idea of traveling to a foreign country for a long-term project away from friends and the familiar comforts of my life is not only unimaginable but paralyzing. Not paralyzing in a frightening sense but I sense no movement in it. Obviously movement will have to occur in order for this to take place. As much as I pride myself on being independent and exploring opportunities, this makes me hesitant. If someone gave me instructions on exactly how to do this, who to talk to, all the answers were provided for me, and I was told when to depart, I'm more inclined to follow. But as an adult, I'm expected to gather this information on my own. Without it, I'll be unable to proceed.

During which time I can procrastinate. I'm also afraid to let go. I've never really been the relationship girl before. I've also hardly met anyone I've been interested in. Maybe it's because finally I have or because I'm getting older, but if I leave this world to enter a different country, I reset my course of life as I know it. Will I separate myself from a potential mate? Will I be restarting the searching process? Will I become that woman who does great deeds with no love in her life? (I'd rather not fall prey to that Pisces fate). Or is this the path to find love? All these dizzying questions make me want to stay where I am and run into the arms of someone who can keep me warm at night. But that won't bring me PURPOSE THROUGH EMPLOYMENT AND THAT IS WHAT I SEEK!

Sabotage, Go Away!

I’m ashamed of my recent behavior. I spent the past few years improving myself. I allowed some negativity to seep away and welcomed positive acknowledgements of myself. I can say honestly that I believe I’m an attractive woman. Even with a petite figure, I consider myself sexy. I used to view sexiness as a sign of curves, which I believed I lack. I have smaller curves but small is still something and it fits my figure. Once I began recognizing these qualities in myself and embraced them, I began to both notice and attract others who saw it in me as well.

As I’m typing this out, I’m having an epiphany. I’ve made progress on a superficial level. Outer beauty only goes so far. There’s so much more to me than what the eye can see. In the past few years, I did more than see what was already there. I became a better person.

I've become empathetic, receptive, and able to help people. Others gravitate towards me and open up to me about their struggles. I offer them encouragement and support. I’m perceptive and personalize my approach uniquely to each individual. I realize the value of self-growth and change. Already aware of diversity and individuality, I know not to force my hand. I’m a dominant personality and have excellent people skills, so the truth is I can manipulate and coerce people to make rapid progress and improvements. But it isn’t the end result as much as the journey, the discoveries and lessons you learn along the way that truly matter. Keeping these things in mind, I make a positive difference in peoples’ lives.

It also allows me to be intuitively attuned, which is essential for me. It’s as much a benefit for me as it is for my friends. Altruism is also a new facet I’ve developed. Being intuitive has also made me more understanding, patient, and tolerant. Awareness really brings these qualities out of me. Impatience, I’ve discovered, is a result of imbalance. It’s a side effect. We have difficulty accepting that we can’t control everything. Intolerance comes from ignorance, a lack of understanding, limitation in exposure, and inexperience. Intuition allows me to understand things at a deeper level, making me patient and tolerant. The apparent struggles in my friends make me more considerate, thoughtful, and generous. I’m inspired to offer them some sort of comfort.

Please know that I’m not trying to roll out the I’m perfect carpet, but I want to bring some balance into my life. I’m so quick to criticize myself and yet I refrain from acknowledging positive qualities. I’m not being egotistical, conceited, or vain; I’m being open and honest. And this weekend has been a demonstration of how I need to embrace all of my positive qualities.

When you have low self-esteem, you’re more likely to reject love or any kind of affection. I’m now more receptive to the attention and idea of guys being attracted to me, but on an intimate level, I still keep myself at a distance. Any sign (I interpret) as his disinterest and I become unpleasant. I’m consumed with negativity and transparent self-criticism. I don’t verbalize them, not out of consideration for others, but because I can’t bear facing the idea of being rejected for being inadequate. Yet everything has energy. So what I’m not articulating is still being subliminally released.

The more abstract and intangible something is like feelings, the more fragile I become. Instead of being open, receptive, affectionate, comfortable, and genuine, I act in contradiction to what I want to keep me safe. I’m rigid in what I hear and glue myself to negativity, unwilling to release myself from it or face the possibility that people change their minds. There’s a guy I like who’s become more affectionate and I can feel his feelings for me deepening, but I remember him withdrawaling. This is a relationship guy who had me and began pulling away. I’m only left believing that it’s because he’s not interested anymore.

Something he said could’ve been interpreted in two different ways and of course I concluded and closed it off as the negative one. He was less intimate but wanted to spend more time with me. He became more affectionate and more open but then he all of a sudden withdrew. When we talked about it, he said he wanted to see me but didn’t want to hurt me and slow down because we were leading towards a relationship and he didn't want to move too quickly. I revealed to him that I thought he was losing interest in me and he said, “No, quite the opposite.”

One can argue that he’s beginning to like me and is taking things carefully. The opposing argument is that he’s withdrawaling because he doesn’t want to end up in a relationship with me and doesn’t want to hurt me. When I wanted to talk to him and call him, I didn’t. He usually makes the effort, so I thought his distance was a desire of his and I didn’t want to counter that with my presence. He thought that was nuts and said I should’ve called him.

When we were around each other, he was fairly affectionate but not as much as before. I suppose if I reciprocated, we could’ve reached that level again. Of course, I withdrew. People observed us sarcastically as the picture of happiness. I was unhappy and did everything I could to almost retain that feeling. I gave him some oranges and took only what I needed. He told me to leave one for him at my place, so he can eat it. It was a gesture that he was trying to warm me up to, but I ruthlessly rejected that orange. How insane is that?

I was snappy and my attitude infected him. I’m not excusing my behavior, but this is also around the same time a few of my friends were going through a hard time. I think I was channeling some of their emotions. Instead of detaching myself from them as I usually do, I felt too defeated to put in the effort that’s required to do just that. It affected my well-being, and I took it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Now I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to give him reasons to not want to be with me, despite what my self-sabotaging actions may suggest.

If every time we get close, I do something to make even the idea of spending time with me appealing, I’ll be securing a no relationship guarantee. That’s honestly not what I want. And how I’ve been behaving isn’t who I am. Of course, how am I supposed to convince him of that? He only knows what he sees. And once the damage is done, it’s done.

I criticized and obliterated my existing positive qualities. As I was developing new ones, it didn’t occur to me that I’ll once again destroy them harshly because that habit is imbedded in me. I thought I was so hard on myself before because I believed what my parents told me. I thought once I believed in myself that my behavior would change, but unfortunately that isn’t so.

Fortunately, however, I’m aware. No matter what happens with him, he’s already proven himself as a friend for life. Even if I ruin my chances at a romantic endeavor, I’ll always have what matters most - our friendship. I see girls being brutal to my friends and eventually it wears on them and they go their separate ways. My friends look back at those toxic experiences kind-heartedly saying that she’s a good person, but she’s too insecure and it was too much for me. No matter how awful they were to them, my friends always saw the good in them. I’m not nearly as horrible as them (not that it matters because it isn’t a comparison or competition), but I hope no matter what I do, my goodness will always triumph.

This plea is more about self-empowerment than it is about rejection because this is bigger than some guy. This is about my self-esteem. I need to be more secure in myself and know that I’m worth it. I need to be liberated from my emotional imprisonments. Not just for any guy who’s involved with me but for myself.

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Traveler's Spark?

The less I think of the idea of traveling (not that I've given it much conscious thought) and the more I resonate on the idea of it, the more intriguing and less frightening, impossible, and radical it becomes. Or maybe it's a new level of awareness I reached with a guy. There are two guys that I really like. One I've known for a few years now, and we've developed a deep connection with each other. But our undying habit of keeping each other at a distance hasn't allowed much growth in our relationship. With his financial troubles, he moved out of state and is now considering taking a job on a cruise. So he's not really around. There's another guy who I'm really beginning to really like, but I guess every situation has challenges to hurdle. Although I may be rash in interpreting hesitation, a natural reaction before something serious develops as defeat. But I want to stay focused on topic, though.

I have been feeling stagnant, but today I feel more lively, lighter. I found some writing inspiration and found a way to channel something I've been struggling with. It's titled "Dear Izzy" and I believe it's made a world of difference. I've also come to some realization about something. Sometimes I need to immerse myself fully in something, no matter how painful or negative it is and not let other factors tether me down. It's more devastating, but once I know what I'm dealing with, the better I can handle it and that's a necessary step to move forward. I felt imprisoned for the past three years, not able to let go and I'm no longer trying to force a separation. Honesty is the best medicine.

I just want to take this moment to appreciate the mood I'm in. As I entered the library as I've been doing for so long now as I do on a regular basis, I realized how stagnant I've been as I continue the same motions everyday. Then the idea of traveling became a welcome idea. :) I'm not sure it's something I want to jump into right away, but I like that I'm beginning more open to it. It's no longer this foreign, impossible lifestyle outside of my reach and potential.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

To Travel This Stagnant Energy

Today's weather reflects my mood and internal state of mind. It's gloomy but mild. Not at all intense in heat or windy. The air is still and flat. Stagnant such is my state of mind.

I never seem to have both feet standing within the same space but one foot in each side of the water or opposing force, perpetuating this paradoxical state that leaves me unsatisfied. It's difficult to enjoy what I'm immersed in when I'm distracted and unable to focus on what I'm experiencing since it's only a partial experience. I can also feel the echo of wherever else I'm standing in. It's in my nature to never completely jump into something. I dip one foot in and leave the other foot out. It's my comfort zone. If I put both feet in the water, I'm dizzy from the overwhelming change and find myself quickly reverting to my partial immersion.

It's devastating when you feel like you can only manage life when you're pussy footing your way around it. I can either stay where I am, unsatisfied and stagnant. Longing for something more. Or I can withdrawal even further or dive into something and make a splash. These changes require some adjustment and until it takes place, I find myself struggling and drowning. Why does it have to be so difficult before it can become enjoyable? I'm not even sure it can be because frankly I've never lasted long enough before I withdrew entirely.

I don't know if I made a vow in my past life or if I subliminally made a promise to the universe now, but it seems like if I'm not working towards a conducive path, things just seem to fall apart. I'm able to find enough side hustle to make rent, but besides that I can't seem to tether myself to much. I don't understand. This has nothing to do with the economy because I get tons of job offers, but they don't last for a myriad of reasons that really are out of my control - delayed bus, technical error I'm not responsible for, a miscommunication that's later followed by an apology because I wasn't at fault but the damage is done by then, a company falls apart and loses funding, a company decides to relocate, etc etc!!!

My intuition has developed a lot over the years and I can sense when I'm not on the right path. I seem to encounter more errors than anything. So what am I supposed to do? Continue to get rejected and carry that kind of energy around me? Or continue to keep looking since I'm coming across enough freelance gigs to keep me afloat as I continue to become discouraged? No one's optimist 100% of the time, but it's becoming exhausting.

I feel like nothing new is happening where I am. Maybe I need a change. Sometimes the universe attracts a specific type of energy or type of people into my life - artists, musicians, travelers, etc. Lately I've come across a lot of travelers and I've been channeling my friends' thoughts. I've been thinking about Brazil which is crazy because I've never been interested in going there and know almost nothing about it. As it turns out, a good friend of mine is thinking of going there. Great... Can I even trust my own thoughts then? Or are they just echoes of the people around me? Do I really want to travel or am I just accessing their desires and thoughts? I used to consider intuition invasive for others I channel, but now I find it a rude interference against myself. What gives!

I feel so flaky when I complain that things aren't going well and then instead of setting my roots where I am, I begin ranting about traveling. But the world is so huge. It's tragic to stay idle for too long when you aren't feeling fulfilled and there aren't any reasons to stay. I love my friends, but I don't have anyone in my life, no children, no pets, no career, nothing that's tethering me to LA and life has become predictable, mundane, and unexciting. Traveling would be an invigorating, eye-opening, and breathtaking experience. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad that I appear unattached and embrace my openness to travel.

I just wonder if this is just talk. After all, I have no money and no idea where I want to travel. How will I do it? What will I do once I'm there? Wherever that destiny may be. These are questions I need answered, but maybe they're worth exploring. I'm not the only person that's encountered these barriers. Do I really want to become one of those people who pose these questions, leaving them unanswered as I continue to endlessly float by? Even bad traveling experience will still offer me something new, and that's what I really want.

By the way it bothers me that it takes someone I'm intimate with for these things to be revealed to me. Why can't I have these insights independent of someone else? I'm not trying to chase after him. But I recognize a spark in him that exists within myself. Besides I'd be exploring a different part of the world in a different way anyways. Still though....

I've been thinking of reaching out to my friends who travel and I feel like when I really manifest the desire to explore these choices, I connect with them but only brief. It fizzles down almost as quickly as my vigor to explore the world. I don't understand. I'm independent, curious, and thirst to discover my surrounding. I love to feed myself with knowledge. New experiences invigorate me. I'm social and find myself readily able to connect to new environments better than most (locally though). I don't have attachments that tie me to one place because I've never been very close to my family.

So why am I so resistant about the idea of change? For someone who independent, I was fearful of painting my apartment by myself because I didn't want to fail at it. It's paint! If I make a mistake, I can always paint over it as my friend reminded me. Yet I was terrified to do it on my own. That sounds more dependent than independent. I like change and I don't need to be surrounded by my material possessions. So why am I so scared?

Monday, October 31, 2011

In the Spirit of New Energy! :)

I'm filled with variations of positive, good feelings! They're a little ambiguous in some areas more than others. All I know is that I'm in a happy mood and each time I get like this, I refrain from expressing it followed by a vow that I will, but this is the first time I'm fulfilling that promise. Hey, first time for everything right? I realize that it's silly to conceal, suppress, or deny these feelings out of fear cuz they're here one way or another and I might as well embrace it. But I want to refrain from over emphasis on one area and seek to bring balance into it, so please forgive me while I digress. I have every intent on keeping my word, and this isn't an attempt to avoid the subject. I simply find it valuable and conducive to channel my energy in a balanced manner.

I've been living in my first real own apartment for a year now, and I still haven't really made it my own. I guess old habits are hard to break. I've been procrastinating on decorating and taking baby steps probably the way I do with a lot of things. I'm afraid to get too comfortable only for it to be taken away from me. I have to ease myself into it, and I'm finally beginning to get a handle on it and find it be a delightful experience! :)

I have a mattress for a bed platform I got when I first moved in. I found two matching small IKEA tables when combined can turn into a coffee table in white. I painted them the same purple shade as the trim in my apartment and bought two more to match, repainted it and everything! :) I now have a better idea of how I want the skeletal decorating structure to be. On one corner I plan to have a couch and I already know which one to get. I just have to actually get it. LOL A neighbor who moved out gave me a painting canvas of purple tulips that I display sideways to be unique, and it's cool because the flowers were already tilted at an angle so it works.

In fact, it's starting to have a lot of significance for me. (So much so that I'm going to give this topic its own paragraph). Tulips naturally tilt towards the direction of the sun. The sun is positive; it's where things radiate. When the artwork is positioned correctly, it tilts to the side like it's bowing or going towards the direction of the ground. I want to reach the sky because that's where my dreams live. I want to capture them and hold them in my hands. There's more than one way to succeed and achieve your goals. There's no generalized instructional guide, and I seem to be someone who hardly fits into any standard category anyways. It's both a blessing and a curse. I love being differently, but it takes time finding the unknown, undetermined road that often has to be created from exactly where I stand and I have no idea where I'm going. It's frustrating as I see others succeed in their clear cut paths, and I don't even know where I'm going. But that's the beauty of this photo. It reaches up to the sky the way I want to but in a different and unconventional way. Sideways. You have to look at things differently to achieve results. There are a few alphabets that make it obviously that it's been repositioned from its original intent, but I'm thinking of re-stamping over it and making it my own. I'm not sure what letters to give it. I have a couple in mind, but I don't know if I want to give it that kind of attention or make it more internal. I'll have to think about that, but I love the idea that my mind is thinking of these things. For more creative entrepreneurs, this may not be too impressive, but I'm totally stoked!

I also have a mural I want painted on the first wall you see when you walk in. There's a box shelf I'm in the process of building that I need resized before I can complete the project. It's not going to be like a shadow box. There's going to be sliding or closing doors, so what's inside is concealed. Then I can place my crystals in there. I'll pull out whichever crystals speak to me at that moment because different crystals have different properties. It's also a great way to alternate my decorations according to my mood.

I discovered a wonderful site that I think everyone should explore before resorting to craigslist called freecycle.org. People advertise either what they want or what they want to get rid of for free. It's all free, using the site, posting, and the actual products! Isn't that great? Maybe I'm late to the game, but I'm in love with it. Today a very good friend of mine helped me pick up a six drawer dresser. I'm going to repaint it to the color I desire and stamp, decoupage, paint, stencil, sticker, whatever method I choose of select images I have in mind.

1. SEASHELL (because I'm a water sign, I'm very at home at the beach, and seashells remind me of them. :) The beach is so versatile. It can be a place to socialize, or be alone, it's family friendly, there's land and water. It's great! Seashells are fun and remind me of peace and calmness).

2. BUTTERFLY (symbolizes transformation - I fear the unknown, although I've become more open to it and am beginning to see its beauty. Even in what's lost, sometimes things must die to let new things flourish).

3. FLOWER (femininity, beauty, more than what the eye can see, duality, strength, endurance, fragility, softness, aesthetics, history).

4. HEART (for self-love, love of life, love of passion in whatever you do or the thing(s) that cause a spark in you, love for family and friends, love for humanity, love in romance, just love)

5. KEY/LOCK (This has double meaning. It's a key which means it's hidden and locked away which can be sad because when you want to get inside somewhere, you can't if you don't know where it is or where the key is. But not having the key at this present moment doesn't mean you can't obtain it. The fact that a key exists means there's a way to get in. Life is about exploring, discovering, and unlocking the mysteries of life, love, romance, and everything in between. This represents the key/lock to my heart, to life's passion, to my life's purpose, my career).

6. UNICORN (It's a magical creature. It's beautiful. It reminds me of hope and mysticism).

7. PISCES (I've spent most of my life being someone I'm not, even though I've prided myself on being an authentic person. I was emotionally detached which was true to who I was but that's because I distorted myself into someone I wasn't. In that distorted state, I was being genuine. But when I returned to my natural form, I discovered that I'm an emotional creature. That's okay. I'm resilient like water. I get premonitions. I feel the pain of others from time to time, and it allows me to help them. It's incredible. I don't want to hide away from it. I want to embrace it).

8. THIRD EYE (Part of being a Pisces is having a third eye, being intuitive, having premonitions. It's painful and frustrating at times, very bittersweet, but it's a part of me and I can't deny it).

9. WRITING UTENSIL (Writing has always been my outlet and for most of my life the only link to creativity. I'd be lost without it).

10.

11.

12.

I want these images on the dresser. 2 on each drawer. But the top drawers have this weird wave to them. In the past, I would've gotten frustrated by it. Now I'm intrigued and excited by this unpredictability that's going to force even more creativity and innovation. For now I'm going to place the tulip painting on top of the dresser and maybe I'll use an old picture frame, repainted, and decorated as a tray. It'd be different and pretty.

I've been so narrow minded with the idea that above the couch there should be specific artwork, but after realizing how many things I want done to such a small space, I'm realizing that I should place behind the couch wall a wall decal that says in cursive "Dare to Take a Chance and Dream". It's also a great place for me because I'll see it everyday. My home is no longer a social network but a sanctuary and a canvas I want filled with my dreams, desires, and positive energy to help me manifest my goals. So I want to display it where I have the most visual advantage. There's another spot that would also be of visual benefit but part of decorating in a small space is a requirement and expansion of creativity, as well as compromise and priority. An area closest to my bed I want to reserve for my TV. I plan to get a wall shelf and place my TV there. Voila!

And my last part is behind my bed. I have a bed platform but no headboard, so I want a mural of an Arabian door above my bed! <3 <3 <3 I want it to be a magical, almost Aladdin like feel. The images I've seen so far are too dull, boring, or tacky. I realized that I want expressions of my desires to be written in Braille! Yea yea! I love how different that is! And yet who knows, maybe readers of this blog will try it, too! :D That'd be awesome! I'd be totally flattered but so not the point!

I'm starting to embrace the fact that I have to take my time developing my career vision and goal, in order to attract and land a job that's right for me! Because like it or not, incompatible jobs just don't work out! I've attracted people in the nonprofit industry who I believe can bring me closer to my goal.

The guy I'm interested in doesn't feel the same way I do about him, although my feelings have steadily been "changing" too as a defense mechanism. I don't want to like someone who isn't interested in me, but I can see him becoming more and more interested and involved in me. That doesn't mean something will happen. I'm not blind to that. But for now I want to enjoy this feeling. I'm tired of giving up because I feel inadequate or out of fear that I'll get hurt. When I feel good and I feel a presence of something, I should give it the same amount of attention as I do negativity. That's all I'm saying! That's all for now folks!

I'm being kicked outta the library, so I had no time to proof read any of this. Hope it makes sense. Happy Halloween! Be safe! And by safe I worry less about poisoned candy and more about drunk driving, over partying, etc etc. Sigh maybe that's why I'm staying in tonight. I'm recovering from being sick and not eating for the past few days, so I welcome organizing my space with a new drawer! Yayayayayay!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Help Me to Find My Career, Universe

I've invested more than enough energy expressing my dissatisfaction with my recent employment status/record. I can't seem to retain a position but for only a brief amount of time. I'm beginning to appear like I have a retention problem. It makes me look bad and when a pattern develops, I can't deny the fact that I'm a factor in all of this. What am I doing to cause this?

Well there are a number of reasons I've observed - incompatability. Sometimes it's a result of inadequacy on my part for fulfilling the position, sometimes it's an unavoidable set of circumstances that led to employment termination on either party. Or maybe it was initially a short term arrangement. The interesting thing is I find myself more unmotivated and transparent, so when a job doesn't fit me well or isn't conducive to my self-growth, things occur to expedite what almost feels like an inevitable end to that job for me. I'll even become paralyzed with exhaustion. It's more than procrastination, but I'll find myself unable to move or sleeping through an alarm clock that goes off for an hour when I naturally wake up much earlier than that. Weird barriers begin to form.

I'm beginning to wonder if I made a vow in my past life or if my subconscious made a promise to the universe that's causing this, but I'm starting to feel like until I find a job that's conducive to my self-growth that

Friday, October 14, 2011

At 27, I Found Him

At the delayed age of 27, I found the guy I want to be my boyfriend. Took me long enough, right? ! I’ve had a series of “boyfriends” so to speak but none that were really genuine. Actually the word “series” is misleadingly generous.

My eighth grade boyfriend doesn’t really count. He was an external source of confidence, followed me around and said I was always right and pretty. Then I had exactly two boyfriends that lasted less than a month my freshman year of high school. The logic was “we’re friends, maybe something more can happen…” Nope, not really. I didn’t realize then that the chemistry should’ve already been there.

Then I had my first real relationship at the age of 18 and it lasted quite some time, but it never really felt right. It took me a long time to come to grips with that. I didn’t know the difference between close friendship and something more intimate. Moreover, I didn’t want to because then the world as I knew it would’ve fallen apart, but it wasn’t long until reality made me realize that it was all an illusion anyways.

Then I met the first guy who stole my heart. It was the intense kind. As much as I wanted then for him to be my boyfriend (kinda sorta), he never was and even when I did want him, there was a part of me that always resisted. There’s one quote that always reminds me of what we had. “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together.” When we were together, I was willing to hurt myself putting the pieces back. But that didn’t sit well with me. So that internal conflict always made the idea of him being my boyfriend always a little bit sketchy.

The next guy belongs to a category all his own. After all how do you categorize the guy you’ve had premonitions of? I’ve seen our unborn daughter and sensed our son. He’s had his own spiritual encounter with our children, too. It’s hard not to develop feelings for a guy like that. We’ve spent countless hours just talking in his car once a week when we worked together and the only time we saw each other. We also consumed each other’s time via email. I never thought I could fall so deeply for a guy I barely saw, but we had (no have) an undeniable connection.

Still, he’s reserved and doesn’t make much effort to see me. I know he’s busy, but you can’t even respond with a five word text? I want that future with him, but that future isn’t now. And I’m beginning to realize that I want more out of a guy than he’s willing to offer and with every energy that feeds into that, he becomes less and less appealing to me because of who he is or who he isn’t. He’s not the guy I can take out with my friends for a night out because he’s an introvert and a homebody. While there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m not sure that’s what I want anymore. He’d make a wonderful husband, but as a boyfriend? That’s a different story.

Then there’s him. I just spent paragraphs procrastinating to open up my heart about him, and it turned out to be effective because I’m at a loss for words. When I’m unable to express myself, I find inspiration through the words of others. These are our words. “When you fight like a married couple, talk like best friends, flirt like first loves and protect each other like brother and sister, obviously it’s meant to be.”

It breaks my heart to think I went from someone he wanted to take home to France and start a family with to a friend. He still has Freudian slips, making us sound like an old couple and he even admitted that he wouldn’t mind having a child with me. But I can feel the distance grow between us as he drifts further away from me. His affection is diminishing and his efforts seem so apparent, no longer natural or desirable.

He’s someone I enjoy spending my time with no matter what we do. Sitting in the car. Watching a movie. We have great conversations. We both have a passion for food and the outdoors. Hiking trails, swimming, going to parks, and playing chess. And even when we argue, we listen to each other and we’re comfortable enough to be open. We realize our mistakes and are open about that, too. He’s someone I want to build a future with and someone who puts effort into me. I’m more than a desire to be knocked off his to-do list like work on a scrapbook but someone he actually makes a priority. But somewhere along the line I lost him…the first guy I ever wanted as my boyfriend.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

No Longer a Public Warning

I was recently fired from a Fortune 500 company job with a lot of perks, my co-workers were a pleasure to be around, I lost a friend, and was threatened a restraining order as an attempt to keep me away from select places I enjoy (not because I was actually stalking someone). Yet all of these changes have left me feeling relieved, hopeful, receptive to the opportunities that are now open to me, and provided me with the peace of mind, clarity, and emotional balance or rightness so to speak that was lacking in the previous circumstance. When your intuition whispers to you that you belong somewhere else, explore the possibility. I found myself rationalizing my benefit of where I was as if I needed the reassurance. Every time I encounter this, some form of sabotage separates me from the path I'm on.

If I'm to break this destructive cycle, I have to create an unknown, unexplored path for a different outcome. Today I auditioned to be an extra and was told that I'm to call back tomorrow to see if I get the part. The woman said I have her vote. I won't know what'll come of it, and this isn't my dream career. But I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone and finally testing boundaries I've always been drawn to. This is a huge step.

I was asked by a good friend to do my astrological chart and I discovered that right now there's something in the stars that's making me particularly emotional, withdrawn, and depressed. I definitely sense it. Instead of embracing my emotional intensity, I've been trying to suppress it, ignore it, and choke through it as I go about my day. Not really knowing what's going on. Now that I do, my awareness is keeping me centered. I feel what's around me and as a result, I'm detaching myself so I can keep my ground. Knowledge is power.

The audition was for a part that's emotionally empowering and raw, so my state of mind was an asset. It's made me realize that we aren't always where we want to be in life, in our careers, with our friends, our relationships, our financial situations, physical health, or emotional well-being. But we are where we are. We can't force change. If we want something to be different, we have to work towards it. That takes time. The transition can be frustrating. We can help ourselves along the way by involving ourselves into a craft that matches where we are at the moment, making our curent situation a value.

Before this perspective I felt like I should be walking around with a public warning for my emotionally-fragile state. But I'm no longer a public warning. :)

Monday, September 26, 2011

Becoming an Adult Part 2

Background: The first time I "became" an adult I was twelve. I know, I know. At twelve years old, I don't even qualify as a teenager. Puberty is a pre-introduction, so how could I have possibly become an adult at that age? Well I was faced with seemingly impossible decisions and made them myself. I realized and accepted the task that crappy choices are still choices. I certainly made mistakes, but I became accountable for my own actions. I had no one else to blame. I had to figure out where I'd stay for the night, how I'll get food, and basic life decisions that most adults make for children.

I started early. Most of my friends are older than me. I learned at an early age things most people struggle to discover as adults. But there's a correlation that people who mature or become adults at an early age are also underdeveloped in some major ways. In my case, emotionally. I'm afraid to pursue relationships, although that's arguably a fear even normal people experience.

Up until recently I never had an interest to drive which can be perceived as an adolescent approach. Children can't drive. Driving is considered an adult task. It means not relying on public transportation which is essentially a poor man's limousine where you rely on someone other than yourself to reach your destination.

You greatly minimize responsibilities such as insurance, car payments, purchase vs. leasing, incentive for good credit or consequence of poor credit, gas money, parking permits, having to make decisions that lead to or not lead to tickets, unexpected auto breakdowns, car accidents, etc. Sometimes the adult decision is to accept that you can't afford these additional expenses without going into debt, a practice too many people are quick to engage in. I, on the other hand, have been working since I was twelve years old had a generous lump of money saved up. Out of paranoia that I'd need to money, I didn't distribute it towards a car which I still don't regret to this day.

People who rely on vehicle become so crippled without one that it amazes me. They practically malfunction and are unable to perform even what children can accomplish. It seems virtually impossible for them to travel anywhere without one. That's just ridiculous, and I never wanted to become that person which I would've become if I began driving because I wouldn't have explored public transit. Plus with my flaring allergies, I couldn't afford a vehicle unless I went into debt. I loathe having an IOU over my head.

My lifestyle supported the absence of a car. I found it liberating to not be enslaved to auto-related finances. To make it work, I had to make some compromises, though. But life's about choosing decisions that suit you best. I lived in an area with reliable public transportation with necessities nearby - restaurants, convenience stores, supermarkets, dry cleaners, laundromats, school, banks, coffee houses, malls, movie theaters, hair salons, drugstores, doctors, hospitals, employment agencies, etc. I created a class schedule that allotted me time to travel to necessary destinations before they closed. I chose to work nearby the places I needed to travel to. It worked well for me. I've lived everywhere from the ghetto, luxury apartments, one bedroom lofts, apartments with swimming pools, in-laws, room rentals, and now a bachelor - a studio minus the kitchen.

I live right across the street from the train station, and it costs an arm and a leg to find parking. I'm surrounded by bars, clubs, and restaurants that never sleep. I live right next to a club, in fact, which despite what you may think, makes it safer because there are bouncers and overpriced valet parking swarming with security. It takes me an hour to get to work, a time frame I never minded as it gave me a chance to read and write on the bus. But this route requires my attention because the bus runs rather quickly. I take the rapid, so I have to pay attention. The extended commute time is no longer rewarding, beneficial, or productive.

Everyone used to hesitate teaching me how to drive or continue to assure me that they will as no lessons have been presented. I refuse to pay for lessons because I'm cheap like that. I recently had my first driving lesson by the first person who kept his word. Hopefully I'll continue to learn. At first I brushed off the notion of becoming a driver because it'll be too expensive to maintain. My rent is inexpensive but parking will raise the price. If I choose to move closer to work, the rent will be more expensive that I certainly won't be able to afford a car. And what if this new job doesn't work out? These are things to consider.

A friend wanted this job to give me an opportunity to get a car. I thought the consideration was sweet, but at the time it wasn't an interest of mine. I never minded the commute. But now that I'm getting older, I'm tiring more quickly. My memory is failing me. And my location requires me to go to multiple places to gather necessary purchases, all through the rapid bus which requires my attention so I don't miss my stop. No downtime to read, reflect, meditate, or write. It's time-consuming and exhausting. It's taxing my body and I find myself malnourished because I'm not interested in cooking. Nor do I feel like taking the effort to buy frozen food which is an extra trip. Then I find myself ordering food at work. I'm trapped in a perpetual cycle.

I can't see this circumstance changing for a while, but for the first time, I want a car. So I can run my errands efficiently and I'm willing to take on the financial responsibilities attached to it. That's huge. There's a company car I could use to run errands, work-related but still....

This could work out because I want to have my license for a while before getting a car. That way insurance payments will be less expensive, maybe not by a lot but less is still less. I'd be able to borrow my friends cars, a choice that doesn't exist at the moment. I could rent a car. It'll bring me closer to an efficient lifestyle. An hour long commute is no longer relaxing as it isolates me from people. It's not a place for my thoughts to flourish. It's just an inconvenience as my energy crashes at an earlier time. So this is part 2 of becoming an adult.