Thursday, November 10, 2011

To Travel This Stagnant Energy

Today's weather reflects my mood and internal state of mind. It's gloomy but mild. Not at all intense in heat or windy. The air is still and flat. Stagnant such is my state of mind.

I never seem to have both feet standing within the same space but one foot in each side of the water or opposing force, perpetuating this paradoxical state that leaves me unsatisfied. It's difficult to enjoy what I'm immersed in when I'm distracted and unable to focus on what I'm experiencing since it's only a partial experience. I can also feel the echo of wherever else I'm standing in. It's in my nature to never completely jump into something. I dip one foot in and leave the other foot out. It's my comfort zone. If I put both feet in the water, I'm dizzy from the overwhelming change and find myself quickly reverting to my partial immersion.

It's devastating when you feel like you can only manage life when you're pussy footing your way around it. I can either stay where I am, unsatisfied and stagnant. Longing for something more. Or I can withdrawal even further or dive into something and make a splash. These changes require some adjustment and until it takes place, I find myself struggling and drowning. Why does it have to be so difficult before it can become enjoyable? I'm not even sure it can be because frankly I've never lasted long enough before I withdrew entirely.

I don't know if I made a vow in my past life or if I subliminally made a promise to the universe now, but it seems like if I'm not working towards a conducive path, things just seem to fall apart. I'm able to find enough side hustle to make rent, but besides that I can't seem to tether myself to much. I don't understand. This has nothing to do with the economy because I get tons of job offers, but they don't last for a myriad of reasons that really are out of my control - delayed bus, technical error I'm not responsible for, a miscommunication that's later followed by an apology because I wasn't at fault but the damage is done by then, a company falls apart and loses funding, a company decides to relocate, etc etc!!!

My intuition has developed a lot over the years and I can sense when I'm not on the right path. I seem to encounter more errors than anything. So what am I supposed to do? Continue to get rejected and carry that kind of energy around me? Or continue to keep looking since I'm coming across enough freelance gigs to keep me afloat as I continue to become discouraged? No one's optimist 100% of the time, but it's becoming exhausting.

I feel like nothing new is happening where I am. Maybe I need a change. Sometimes the universe attracts a specific type of energy or type of people into my life - artists, musicians, travelers, etc. Lately I've come across a lot of travelers and I've been channeling my friends' thoughts. I've been thinking about Brazil which is crazy because I've never been interested in going there and know almost nothing about it. As it turns out, a good friend of mine is thinking of going there. Great... Can I even trust my own thoughts then? Or are they just echoes of the people around me? Do I really want to travel or am I just accessing their desires and thoughts? I used to consider intuition invasive for others I channel, but now I find it a rude interference against myself. What gives!

I feel so flaky when I complain that things aren't going well and then instead of setting my roots where I am, I begin ranting about traveling. But the world is so huge. It's tragic to stay idle for too long when you aren't feeling fulfilled and there aren't any reasons to stay. I love my friends, but I don't have anyone in my life, no children, no pets, no career, nothing that's tethering me to LA and life has become predictable, mundane, and unexciting. Traveling would be an invigorating, eye-opening, and breathtaking experience. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad that I appear unattached and embrace my openness to travel.

I just wonder if this is just talk. After all, I have no money and no idea where I want to travel. How will I do it? What will I do once I'm there? Wherever that destiny may be. These are questions I need answered, but maybe they're worth exploring. I'm not the only person that's encountered these barriers. Do I really want to become one of those people who pose these questions, leaving them unanswered as I continue to endlessly float by? Even bad traveling experience will still offer me something new, and that's what I really want.

By the way it bothers me that it takes someone I'm intimate with for these things to be revealed to me. Why can't I have these insights independent of someone else? I'm not trying to chase after him. But I recognize a spark in him that exists within myself. Besides I'd be exploring a different part of the world in a different way anyways. Still though....

I've been thinking of reaching out to my friends who travel and I feel like when I really manifest the desire to explore these choices, I connect with them but only brief. It fizzles down almost as quickly as my vigor to explore the world. I don't understand. I'm independent, curious, and thirst to discover my surrounding. I love to feed myself with knowledge. New experiences invigorate me. I'm social and find myself readily able to connect to new environments better than most (locally though). I don't have attachments that tie me to one place because I've never been very close to my family.

So why am I so resistant about the idea of change? For someone who independent, I was fearful of painting my apartment by myself because I didn't want to fail at it. It's paint! If I make a mistake, I can always paint over it as my friend reminded me. Yet I was terrified to do it on my own. That sounds more dependent than independent. I like change and I don't need to be surrounded by my material possessions. So why am I so scared?

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