Child abusers, pedophiles, criminals, murderers, rapists, and so many horrible people are parents, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins... Things exist in this world that's unbelievably inhumane and we can't possibly understand why people are like that. There's so much we don't understand. And let's face it. We don't even know ourselves or even our family, not truly. Think about how much we all expertly keep from ourselves. We're bound to hide truths from the people around us. So for someone to tell me that the strongest bond only exists in blood ties are victims of their own projections.
I'm not saying this out of anger, resentment, or hostility. I'm no longer an emotional antsy teenager. I'm a level-headed, mature adult. I've had time to reflect on my past, the behaviors of my biological family and my own. I even talk to them now if that's what you call it. I don't feel what everyone's talking about with them. I've given up on trying to convince others who aren't interested in my perspective or experiences.
Not everything is made equal. I don't have that connection with my biological family, but I was fortunate enough to find one with my adoptive family. Much in the same way I hesitate to embrace when I'm happy, I keep myself at a distance from them. I feel like if I have no concrete evidence to be happy then embracing it will only become painful when the sadness sets in which has always been more real to me. The truth is happiness and sadness are emotions born from the same obscurity and abstraction. It's our perception that makes either one come to life more. Neither are truly tangible, so waiting around until I can feel, hold, and touch the happiness makes no sense.
Since I've created this blog, I've been saying that I'll embrace when I'm happy by expressing it and yet it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I ambiguously did just that. I created this blog two years ago. So this is going to take time, but I don't want to be absent in my mom and brother's life the way I have been all this time. Once I fully become aware of something, putting it into practice takes time. But it's a start.
I make excuses like we won't have anything to talk about, but the truth is every time I talk to them, we're never at a loss for words. I create irrational, inapplicable reasons to keep me in my "safe" zone. I just wish I had more to offer. I'm twenty seven with no boyfriend, no college credentials, no career path, and a limited background. But I got a text today from my mom saying that she loves me and is proud of the woman I'm becoming. Those qualities she's speaking of aren't based on superficial standards our society deems valuable; they're qualities that make me me. :)
I'm the only one seeing faults. I shouldn't stay away from them over it. Besides there's more at stake than me trying to keep myself safe where danger doesn't exist. My mom's going to have reconstructive knee surgery soon just in time for Thanksgiving... Knee surgeries are so delicate and can sometimes leave you worse off. She knows that. And Thanksgiving has always been a big deal for her, so it's going to pain her to have to sit this one out. I really should be there for her.
My brother and I talked about how we're going to be preparing Thanksgiving for her, and I can't even make it. I had exactly $30 leftover after I paid rent. Luckily I came into extra cash. Thank goodness for side hustle and my networking skills but not in time to secure a ticket back home. To make matters worse, I haven't been able to get a hold of my brother. Has he neglected to pay his cell phone or is it one of the crappy issues my phone is having? I think I'm going to close this entry out cuz it's starting to become depressing. My point is that my mom loves me for who I'm becoming, not the building components society deems valuable. :)
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