Thursday, December 24, 2009

An Unusual Thursday, Day 140

My life may not be going so great. I'm not where I want to be. I live somewhere I hate. I'm behind in school. I feel like I'll be at community college until I graduate. I'm ashamed of the choices I've made. I'm in a financially detrimental state. I feel so socially awkward and emotionally inept in ways I never knew possible.

The Holiday is usually a time of celebration and selfless acts. I think it's great to have a national Holiday that dedicates time in our lives to show kindness because unfortunately it's more of a rarity than most of us would like to admit. However, I feel like my time belongs to others. I'm not rich enough to exert much power. I'm not powerful enough to have much authority. I always have someone to answer to, someone to accommodate. Things beyond my control come up. Unexpected matters arise and require my immediate attention. But during the Holidays people offer leniency that I'm not usually offered.

So for me Holiday is me time. I'm not that close with my family. I get to enjoy time off from work and school. A lot of my friends and a huge chunk of my drama is distributed elsewhere. I get to focus on me because my time isn't otherwise tied down somewhere else. It may sound selfish, but it's true. I do what I want to do during the Holidays. It just coincidentally meets what my friends want to do, a huge Holiday celebration, a heaping feast of food, and presents piling all over the place.

This year, though, I can't do any of that stuff. It's not that I'm depressed because it's the Holidays. I'm depressed and it just happens to be the Holidays. I've been depressed for some time now. It's just more apparent to others now because I'm not the giddy me that I usually am. There are some things that I always look forward to because of past experiences, expectations, and a consistency I've become comfortable with.

The Thursday Farmer's Market is one of them. I don't always enjoy it. Sometimes it's boring. Lately it's been cold. I've turned my friend into a toxic filter. I'm dumping my drama on him. I feel bad, and it's become an unhealthy habit. But for better or worse, Thursdays offer a consistency I've grown to appreciate and look forward. Now I'm home, alone, with spiked egg nog in a Holiday empty-spirited room.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Time of Reflection, Day 139

For a while now, I've left blogging to the end of the day after I've amounted heaps of experiences I can record and reflect on. But the error in that method is I may not have time or the desire to express myself so late into the night. I experience so much that I don't need new experiences to find something to write about. That's the beauty and sometimes curse of being a writer, there's always something you can find to write about. I just have to pick something.

I'm starting to realize that I have wisdom to offer. I hope it provides my friends and the people I care about some insight. What's dangerous is what I express can never be taken back. Even if it's asked of me, you can never know how it affects a person. Is it better to be in silence or be a freedom of expression? I know what works for me; hope it's a mutual interest.

I have a friend who I care deeply for mostly because of the premonitions I have of him than the actual friendship that exists, but it doesn't make me care any less for him. I feel I know more about him than I should. And because he's an open-minded and receptive person, I share that knowledge with him to help him. I understand what it's like to know what you have to do or should do and deliberately resist from doing that very act even if it's beneficial.

Even if you understand the value in the lesson, you have to be ready to embrace it or else going through the motions get you nowhere. From his point of view and having some experience with that myself, I empathize and understand why he's not making changes he isn't ready for even if it'll be good for him. As his friend, though, I want to see him move forward. We had a talk about this and since then a number of experiences caused by his own actions that he feels is a subconscious orchestration forcing a change in his lifestyle. He felt the need to share this with me, and I appreciate it.

It's helped me more than I realized at the time. I just felt this desire to express it. I had no idea where it would go or how it would benefit me. I'm at a place in my life right now where I don't exactly want to be, but I'm here because I have this urgency to do one last thing - help him. Maybe this is it.

And I believe that the energy you carry attracts similar energy. By helping him, I became receptive to helping other people in my life, too. I was IMing another friend of mine who said that I'd make a good shrink or a shrink in training. I'm glad I was able to help, and maybe it seems selfishly inappropriate to praise in myself. But I can't help be moved by these words. It's great knowing that I'm able to help the people I care about because I can be very self-centered.

There's a lot I don't understand. Emotional receptivity is something I'm new at, although I'm better at it than I first realized. When I don't understand something, I analyze which often times is the wrong approach. I draw on my own experiences, rather than sensing the people around me because it's not something I'm practiced in. So, as a consequence, I can be rather selfish and take self-centered approaches. I don't do it out of inconsideration. It's the only method I'm most familiar with.

This journey to help myself began as a way to help others. When I'm in pain, I lash out at the people who matter the most to me. I don't want that for them. Then I realized that the way to helping myself is to help others. That method surprised me because I've always lived more of a ME-ME-ME lifestyle. It's more reciprocation and altruism than one-sided selfishness or giveaway considerations.

My roommate cut herself last night and reacted badly to it. I calmed her down and it was refreshing to hear her express appreciation and gratitude about me being there because I just got kicked out of my boyfriend's apartment. The representative of the property manager isn't a fan of me because I refuse to pay more than what I agreed upon when the utility bill exceeded what my flat rent covers. I don't want to financially-inconvenience anyone, but I live in a living room and have four roommates. I can't afford to pay more than what's agreed upon. Hell, I could barely pay that.

He's upset because he had to pay out of pocket for what wasn't covered in my rent. It's not my fault that he charges less than what he can afford. I can't do anything about it. It's not that I'm being difficult, not that refusing makes me out of line or anything. Anyways, he isn't a fan of me. We briefly went through a civilized period out of respect for my boyfriend, but apparently that didn't last when he demanded that I leave and threw a glass cup at my direction. He first started shoving me around. When he became more aggressive, my boyfriend stood in front of me as a way to block him. I left as the tension and aggression escalated.

I wasn't doing anyone any good being there. He was being out of line and irrational. It's understandable that everyone asked me to leave, but it still hurts. Getting kicked out even if you don't always enjoy being somewhere leaves you with a sense of abandonment and it's painful. So it was nice to come home and be appreciated for my presence, for my contributions, for being me.

I know my boyfriend cares about me, but he has to put up with a lot associated with me. Even if it isn't my fault exactly, he's exposed to it and that's exhausting and burdensome. If I wasn't there, he wouldn't be quarreling with his roommate the way he is. I realized through my incessant self-reflection that anything that involves my boyfriend, I tend to take a bleak, negative approach. Why is that?

My friends put up with a lot of crap, too. They're also receptive, so is my boyfriend. When I burden my friends, I don't question the stability or foundation of our friendship. I do that with him, though. And I know I don't think that lowly of him. I'm just scared of losing him because of the drama attached to me.

I've passed up relationships before because I knew the drama in my life would be toxic and unwanted. I don't want that for them. But now I'm with someone and my drama is toxic for him. It makes me feel like I care less about him because I'm willing to put him through that, but it's not like that. I know that. I just can't silence these thoughts sometimes. And being kicked out of his place because things became so bad really emphasizes that.

He even mentioned to me once that I have to be nice to him because he doesn't want to get kicked out. It's a fair concern, but I don't do anything that should be upsetting. He just hates me. It's a lose-lose situation. I'm so sick and tired of feeling like my boyfriend's blaming me and my behavior for why his roommate hates him and that his living situation is compromised as a result of it.

I can help so many people around me. Why can't I help myself? Why am I plagued with these perpetuating guilt trips that I'm not responsible for? Why am I tormented by these thoughts that I know my boyfriend isn't having? Why am I so detrimental in relationships?

I just want to be happy and be with him. Is that honestly too much to expect? I finally met a guy who's willing to tolerate the baggage of my drama that comes with being with me. I found someone I don't want to run away from, most of the time anyways. I want this to work. During our brief "break up" which was more of a break, a much needed time to think things through, it felt wrong for everyone that we were apart. When my boyfriend and I worked things through, a friend of mine was really happy for me because he came up to me and said, "I see happy on your face." That's what I want.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Experiences that Flavor Our Soul, Day 138

I've missed some entries, but that doesn't mean that I didn't have any meaningful experiences. I came to the realization that I don't make the time to blog when I feel that there isn't adequate time to cover everything, and that's a poor habit I have to change. If I wait to blog only when I'm able to offer a generous amount of time, I'll never have the opportunity to develop as a writer. Life isn't going to offer me that kind of leniency, and I certainly shouldn't wait until it's offered up to me, either.

I had plans to go to a sweat lodge which I had been looking forward to because it's one of my life long dreams. It's on the something to do before I die list. As much as I want to travel, this has more significance to me because it's meant to be a spiritual experience. When my boyfriend and I were on a break I suppose, it felt like my world collapsed around me. But life kept moving forward. In fact, a friend of mine was in Germany for two weeks and had returned just as my schedule cleared. Immediately plans for a sweat lodge came up.

I even had a "floating" side storage unit. It was leaning against the wall and the front two legs were sitting on the side of my bed, so it was off the ground. It was weird, funky, and very me. That's the kind of shit that I do when I'm single, partly because I'm unable to move things properly and but eventually because my limitations has led me to develop these odd fascinations. It was symbolic of the old me returning.

I'm glad that things worked out between me and this guy. It's also safer that it was rearranged, but I was completely looking forward to this sweat lodge that didn't happen. My boyfriend sensed that it wasn't going to happen after I received a cancellation text message from a friend, so he directed my anger towards him before I became devastated about my lifelong dream getting shattered. That's got to be one of the sweetest and most twistedly dark thing someone's done for me.

I don't want to cheapen it by saying that it's just a sweat lodge, but that opportunity will occur again. That isn't to say that I wouldn't have been heartbroken. Getting mad at the boyfriend is something most people handle better, but it's not what I wanted. Yet I can't help but be moved by his efforts, though.

I also missed my friend's birthday party which I wish I hadn't. Then I received an email from a good friend of mine that he might be moving because of a myriad of reasons. We actually had a really meaningful talk recently about his life. I've had so many premonitions about him and where his life could lead. This was always a possibility. It's interesting because he felt that he wanted to share his recent events with me. I hope my insights help him.

The past couple of days have been evidence of how life offers more choices than we properly appreciate and recognize. But it's the decisions we make that determine our own happiness. No matter how awful things are, life keeps moving and going on. It doesn't stop or wait for any of us. It moves forward without abandon. We may not always see it, but that doesn't make it any less true. Thoughts create our own realities, so sometimes we "create a reality" where life just stays still, but it's nothing more than an illusion. However, that doesn't mean that we can't be a part of life if we let some opportunities escape us.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Post Break-Up Reform, Day 136

I feel the need to begin this post by expressing how negligent I've been and how I hate to work towards correcting that. I'm considering starting a new slate on January 1. I kept thinking that if I missed a day that I shouldn't count that day, but that's not representative or authentic to the 365-a-Day Project. Neither is cutting it off, but sometimes you need a fresh start. That's what I recently discovered.

So after two days of being broken up, my ex comes to my apartment and expresses that he feels he might have overreacted and that he's willing to babysit my TV and DVD player because there's not that much space in my apartment. Gee, thanks. What a male reaction, right? When he saw how unamused I was he snapped and said, "Fine, you don't want my help? Whatever! I don't give a damn! I don't even care." Then two seconds later he asks if I'm okay and need any help moving stuff around :) He cares.

My apartment complex is like high school. Everyone knows everyone's business. There's the OG partiers and then there's him and me. The youngsters see us as the party king and queen. Yeah right! We do tend to have people over. Anyways, some friends from the other units have asked about what's been going on. I got this whole speech that bordered on the balance of the universe (apartment social interaction) has to be restored. Things were more comfortable, social, and happier before things fell apart.

It's true, but I can't be with someone who distrusts me so much. I show consideration and thoughtfulness towards my friends. I overcompensate for my selfishness which I don't try to do, but there's a lot I don't understand. So I analyze and all I can do is draw on my own experiences. It becomes centered around me. I'm sure it's a challenge and a constant annoyance my friends tolerate. I show my gratitude by doing little things. It's not flirty; I won't change my ways. I can't be with someone who distrusts me and sees the worst in me when I'm actually doing something nice. What a set up that is!

As it turns out, though, that's not quite how it is. He never really distrusted me. He's had insecurities which I've had, too, in all honesty. It's like reflex for me. I've been crying a lot lately. Work, school, finances, and other aspects of my personal life has been miserable. It's made me a crazy emotional girl! He didn't think I was cheating on him but worried that a person in my situation would be tempted to cheat because he thought I was unhappy in the relationship. That makes sense considering how many tears I've shed, but that actually had nothing to do with him.

Some distance had made him realize that I bounce back up really quickly from the tears, so it couldn't be as bad as he once thought it was. He had doubts when I said everything's fine because my eyes are watering. That's understandable. We haven't known each other for that long, so he doesn't know I mean it when I say stuff like that. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me, but it's an understandable skepticism. Girls bullshit all the time about those things.

My perception of everything was drastically different, too. I heard that he was happy from someone who's perception is a little shallower. I also heard him hanging out with the guys until really late, so I assumed that he was having a blast. Our friends were telling me otherwise. Sometimes it's good to get the insights of a man. Getting a PS3 was a way for him to not deal with what happened.

He admitted that he's been broken up about what happened and hasn't slept well. I thought it was just me. I assumed he didn't sleep well because he was up all night. It never occurred to me that he was up all night hanging out with the guys because he couldn't sleep. My tendency to always think that a person would rather be away from me came out as I suspected that he kicked me out of his place when he said that I can go back to hanging out with the guys and he has to shower. The guys asked if I ever had to leave when he showered before. No, he was just being considerate.

I got further confirmation about this from him. We've decided to take things slowly. We had some epiphanies about where we went wrong. We also spend a lot of time with other people because people just gravitate towards us. It's hard for us to really get to know each other and pick up on ques when we're distracted. We aren't exactly together right now, but we're developing our friendship so that down the line we can change that. It's exclusive. We're not seeing anyone else. We're going to have "date nights or days" where we dedicate time that's just us, so we can be around each other.

I'm really looking forward to this. It feels like everyone's uncomfortable with the breakup. It not only affected the two people involved but everyone surrounding us. How insane is that? Just not hearing us laugh, bicker, cook, and socialize was enough for facebook intervention. Neither of us can return to the relationship we had, but I don't think we'll revert to the way things were. We just misinterpreted a lot of things and reacted falsely. A different approach, we're hoping, will change the outcome. Only time will tell. We're all optimistic about it.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Day 135?

So after a few days of crying, I woke up dry eyed and a little sore. I'm numb some of the time and other times my eyes are just gushing with tears. When did I become such a fucking chick? This is bullshit! Speaking of bullshit, I just realized that I may be typing away at something that makes no sense because there's no background. Then again my ramblings are probably always like that as observed by one of my friends! Thanks. -___- Eh, it's a fair analysis.

Anyways I just broke up with my boyfriend because of a trust issue. We weren't together for that long and I suppose trust is earned, but I was so hurt that he didn't trust me for as long as he has and kept it from me for so long. I'm not the kind of person he accused me to be, and I don't want to be with someone who thinks that about me. And even though his suspicions about me are completely off the chains crazy, I don't want him to be with someone he distrusts, either. He deserves to be with someone he feels comfortable with. It was an irrational decision on my part. I made a swift decision. I didn't take the time to consider how we had just met and trust is earned as he emphasized twice. While I don't want either of us to be in that situation, no one said that can't change.

I miss him. I handled things so poorly throughout our brief relationship because in a twisted way I did want to break things off. I'm scared. I regret that decision.

Thoughts that Keep Escaping Me Without Ever Leaving!

Confusion or illusion. Corruption’s my talent, what’s yours?

Sometimes I don’t know whether to hate you or kiss you.

It’s naïve to think that orchids will last a lifetime.

Nutcracker – Concert – Las Vegas – Picnic – Driving up to the Mountains – Hiking – Vacay – Hotel – Moving in together – Two-Month Texas Home – Sexy Biker – Auto Show – Clubbing – Making a Star Tree Topper – Stealing a Star Ornament – Valentine Parade – Container Gardening – Kinks and Fun – Glen Ivy Hot Springs – Marathon - Indoor Cycling - Frisbee Golf - Snowboarding - A Purple Christmas - Brownies! - Camping - Poetry Recital -

Kiss Me or Die!

It’s naïve to believe that orchids can last a lifetime

It’s stupid to think that you can find nourishment and protection from a cactus

Daffodils and cactuses can never be




All things I love


Why It’s Good We Broke Up List

Sad one moment. Clear as day certain that it's the right thing. Miss him a little. Remember what an idiot he is. Even his friends have told me that I'm really sharp. He's not stupid, but he's not bright. Are you sure you can happy with him? Or I've gotten. You're a smart girl. Ask yourself if you really want to be with someone like him. And just jumping around in thought like that. It's exhausting. And the answer's yes. He's not high functional intelligence to the extreme like me as in rapid fast speed thinking, but he's keen and perceptive. We connected.

I Heart Jaymie

I Stayed Away for a Reason

The Time I Found When I'm Not in Tears

The best first date ever. The happiest break up…for him. Saddest moment for me followed by tears jumping out of my eyes, the salt burning my skin only to be washed away by the feeling of breathlessness and pain in my throat. The blood collects and I want to do is collapse as I silently suffer, trying to rack my mind about all the awful things about him so I’ll stop missing him. But all I see is his smile. Desperately trying to push away the desire to be held by him, to be in his arms.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Cheating My Way to Catch Up, Fast Forward to 133

Since the goal is to blog each day but I haven't, I feel like I'm cheating when I write down 117-133. However this blog is supposed to be a reflection of time passing. If I only count the days I write, the timeline will be all off. So I'll continue to write entries, but it's unrealistic to make up for them all. This way I know what day it's supposed to be? I know I'm still off, but I'm trying.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Records Girl, Day 116

So I came to a realization during my previous entry. I record and record and record everything! And then I sit there for hours observing as though I'm looking for something. I'm not satisfied, so I try to be more meticulous and detail-oriented. I've been doing this my entire life without fail and I've never succeeded. I've never found what I was looking for. What am I looking for? A record, evidence of happy moments because I always pass them up!

When it happens, I don't understand it. I tend to focus only on what I do know and understand, what I'm familiar with. But I know that what I perceive is one-dimensional and limited at best, so I keep a record to find what I'm missing except I only record what I understand, not happiness! That isn't to say that I don't experience it; I'm just not aware when I do experience it! Wow, what a breakthrough! I mean I know this is incredibly stupid, but this is just amazing to me!

I think it's time I start recording.

1) I was surprised when he wanted to dress up to see the opera even though dressing up for the opera is common because it's a community college performance, but I think my heart giggled a little. I was excited by the idea that this guy wants to put that kind of effort. My roommate picked out my outfit, and I was so excited. I looked gorgeous! And I loved his reaction.

2) As we were walking to the performance, we were flirting and had a really good talk. I can't explain it, but when I think back to that moment, I remember how it felt. I was walking and not in the most coordinated way. I was cold. We were lost and creating out there stories.

3) Sometimes he'd stare at me and start laughing. One day I freaked out and asked him why he was laughing. He said, "Nothing! I laugh when I'm happy." That warmed me a little.

4) My heart got a little excited a couple times he put the effort to sit closer to me.

5) As he was moving my stuff around in storage, we would take breaks and he would give me a hug. I was so nervous that my feelings had negative associations that manifested, but I looked forward to it every time.

6) If hearts can smile, mine did during moments we were together.

7) He called me Pickles

8) He'd pucker his lips

9) He'd stick his tongue out

Happiness Always Hiding in the Shadows, Day 115

How can I ever expect to embrace happiness and escape my demons if I continue to store and even re-locate happiness to the shadows away from the sun? Darkness is where danger lies, home of the demons and destruction. That must be why I'm so at peace and home there. How awful is that? I have to fix myself before I can experience anything positive, and it begins by accepting reality.

Unfamiliarity terrifies me and sometimes more than being alone. That's reality. My biggest fear isn't being alone. My biggest fear is unfamiliarity to such a dangerous degree that I'm willing to sabotage anything foreign from entering. If I only welcome what I already know, I'll just continue to perpetuate the cycle of darkness, though. So I can't beat the fear out of me, but I also can't wait until it escapes me. Ideally, I wouldn't be afraid. When's life ever ideal, though? Sometimes happiness comes knocking on your door, and it isn't often. I can either continue to ignore it or take a chance.

Sure there's a chance that a guy will run away. It's happened before, and it can happen again. But that's not a good enough of a reason for me to stay in the shadows. Eventually I'll find someone who's right for me but only after I actually come out from the shadows. He may now be in my past, but I should start practicing. It's not like I never had happy moments, I just never keep a record of it. Speaking of records....epiphany!

Fluctuations in my Life, Day 114

Why is it that I have so many fluctuations in my life and I only make the priority to write during the absence of happiness? Writing is such a fundamental aspect and of high importance in my life, but I don't incorporate happiness into it. Is that because I don't prioritize happiness as important enough to record? I think so. How twisted is that?

I'm so afraid of being happy for so many reasons - vulnerability, exposure, destruction, unfamiliarity, I can keep going on and on. When things end, I don't feel so bad about expressing things because I can keep it vague and I'm only recording what people know. Plus I'm not afraid to be exposed. I'm used to people seeing my misery and destruction. What I'm not used to is people seeing me happy; I'm not used to people seeing me happy. But I want to be. Writing is my process to understand, and I'm starting to understand that not every feeling is meant to be understood, but I'm a writer at heart. I shouldn't hold back what's in my heart and for a writer that's expressing how you feel in words no matter how crappy it is.

I can sit here and create a thousand excuses for why I haven't written about the recent moments that have made me smile, laugh, take my breath away, the exhilarating moments I miss...but they'd all be bullshit. There's an element of truth to all of it, but it's not the core. I don't like to be confused, and writing about happiness would confuse me. I'd worry that writing about happiness isn't nearly as convincing as when I write about being saddened. I think people can sense that, but they won't sense that I'm happy. What if he thinks I'm not happy because when I write about being happy it sounds forced? It probably would in the beginning because it's unnatural.

That should've never been a reason for me to not record those moments. That's belittling who he is. I have to trust that he knows how I feel even if it's poorly written. And if he doesn't, that's not a good enough of a reason to stunt my writing by censoring myself. The whole reason why I began this writing journey Air-Earth-Fire-Water is because I want to evolve as a writer, so that means I have to explore other writing styles. In fact, if it makes me uncomfortable, those are the kinds I should pursue and not just in writing but in life, as well.

I also have to stop using other people as a shield. It's not fair to them. They don't ask for this. It's cowardly and twisted of me. I have to endure some pain sometimes. Another excuse I used is that he wouldn't want me to expose him, but he's been so open with me. I would only be revealing the side he feels comfortable enough to expose to me and everyone around us. For once I bagged a guy who wasn't afraid to show how he feels, so I ran away. I miss him.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

This is Happiness to You, Day 113?

I've been behind on my blogs, but I distinctly remember at one point wanting a blog titled "This is Happiness to You" because the contents would embody what that statement symbolizes for me. I went out with a guy, the only guy at the time I opened up to. I never felt so vulnerable and exposed before. It was terrifying and exhilarating. In a twisted way you can say that it's the first time I've ever experienced feeling anything real, meaningful, and deep. My feelings are usually shallow and restricted to the safe zone. I don't really dive in too deep or at least I never used to.

That's how I lost this guy. I was so afraid of letting go, and he was trying to get me to do that. So I severed ties with him any way I could. When I lost him, I realized what I could've been missing out on. I've never been in love. I thought it was because I never found the right guy, and I'm sure that's part of it. But it wouldn't have mattered. I wasn't receptive to it anyways. Maybe that's why I never met the right guy in the first place or maybe I did and I was too oblivious to know it.

All I know is that I got a second chance with him, but before that I had this gnawing knowing that he came into my life to shatter my heart to let a little light in as a way to "prepare" me for the next guy, so I'd do the next guy right. When you live in the dark your entire life, you don't know how much brighter it is out there because life is all about perception. I knew that he came into my life to do that to prepare me for the next guy. I was devastated that that was his role in my life because what an amazing guy he is, that he has to come into my life and bleed a little because I'm corrupt.

Then I met a guy. I thought he might be the guy I was "prepped" for. God I hate that word. It seemed logical (the idea of it) and maybe he was once upon a time, but something changed. I'm not sure what. No, I do. I didn't even think about it until now, but it time lines.

That's the thing, though. If you search hard enough for anything, in my world anyways, you'll find it. The guy who I thought it was entered my life right after the last guy left and that's when I didn't want to burn bridges because I might get hurt. I knew him before that, but we didn't start talking until I changed. It's like the universe or we weren't receptive to each other until I worked through some things. A couple facebook blips that honestly shouldn't have happened exposed my feelings. I thought, "Wow! The universe really aided in that one!" I guess I needed its help because I'm not sure I would've admitted my feelings for him, and I'm fairly certain his floaty ass would've let it linger to the point that it would've passed.

It wasn't "destiny." It wasn't even that the universe made it happen because something was supposed to develop between us. Do I believe that the universe played a role in a more active way than normal? Always. But not for the reasons I once believed and not because of the outcome. I always knew deep down that we wouldn't be right for each other. It's just easy to believe that something was meant for something greater when all you have are premonitions of this guy. It was never reality, though.

I've been happy before in the context that I've had positive experiences that elevate my mood and makes me smile, but there's only been one moment my entire life where I've experienced an absence of negativity about myself AND I was in a happy mood. In a sad way you can say that was the moment I experienced happiness, and it was expressed to me.

He told me, "this is happiness to you." Do you know what I was doing? We were close and his arms were wrapped around me. He said, "this is happiness to you." I didn't realize at the time how much truth there is to that. That night was calm, quiet, peaceful, simple, familiar, comfortable, and absence of any complexities that normally burden me. That's what happiness is to me and sharing that experience with someone. A part of me wishes that that someone doesn't change so much (even though it's only happened twice) because it feels so unstable, but I have to get over it. That's like saying I don't want to be in a relationship because I've been in more than one.

I was lying in bed with him and he was holding me. Despite my greedy, materialistic nature, the truest moment for me was a simple one. It really stuck with me. That's what I want. I want that life where I'm happy because I'm snuggled by someone I really like and someone who likes me, a place that's just ours. I can only find happiness in a familiar setting because I couldn't relax in any other environment. There's comfort and peace in that. It's intimate and personal.

I seem to blog regularly when I'm depressed or during an absence of happiness. Is that why I haven't been blogging because I've been experiencing happiness? Not exactly but I am happy. I met an amazing guy, and as I type these words, I wonder why I don't express more about him and our recent experiences. I just had an epiphany. I'm unable to process happiness emotionally, so I don't understand it and therefore I don't write about it. I want to write about it because I want to become better acquainted with it. I know that sounds stupid, but I have to focus on this and myself first to make this relationship work.

Bonding (Discomfort)

As some of my furniture was being removed from storage and a lot of space became vacant, my friend suggested that I downgrade to a smaller unit and even offered to help me transfer my furniture the very next day! I didn't know it until that day, but I started to have feelings for him. Another friend of mine bought me this purple cat with a marble on it. It's one of my favorite possessions. The marble fell off, and I was devastated. He wrapped his arms around me to comfort me, and I felt this paradoxical sense of pleasure and something I can only describe as an oppositional feeling.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone's about to attack you or you get seriously terrified and in an instant your body goes into alert mode? Goosebumps jump out of your arms. Imagine a much weaker version of that combined with a mild feeling of the blues, just slight depression. That's how I feel when I'm attracted to someone. How twisted is that?

Somewhere along the line I became so repulsed by the idea of feeling that I started to develop a negative association to it. I perceived feelings to be volatile, dangerous, an uncontrollable liability, a substance that absolves me of my powers. I couldn't have none of that. So I found a way to avoid being in a vulnerable situation. If I reacted to feelings as something dangerous, I would stay away from it.

So many times I unknowingly rejected guys and eliminated people from my life because they ran the risk of breaking the shell that protected my heart. My ex was the only who came at me with a sledgehammer and tore it down. I didn't even know it was there. Instead of trusting him to be there and rebuild it, I ran away only to realize that that was a weak decision. I realized that I don't want to run away anymore, so I've become more emotionally-receptive. But I was horrified by what I discovered.

Can you imagine feeling so awful around the very person you like? It would make any girl run the other direction, but this time I knew it was different. I was aware of it. Every time he gave me a hug, I felt awful. But as time passed and I saw that I wasn't in any threat, the "bad" feelings subsided.

What's even more incredible than this breakthrough and awareness is this deep conversation I had with his roommate and friend that I've known for a while. We've known each other for a long time, but we never really truly connected. Our relationship has always been so one-dimensional. It's as if we both had to be broken down a bit by life's challenges to be able to relate to one another. It's through that conversation that I was able to accept that I'm falling for this other guy. Sometimes things do happen for a reason.

It's a Thing!

There was definitely something developing with this guy, but neither of us really mentioned anything. When I left my cell phone at his place, I had to use my co-worker's phone to let him know. My co-worker was so excited that I met a guy, he was encouraging me in the background to ask him to drop it off which this guy did. Everyone started asking him if he was my boyfriend. He got all flustered and responded with, "I helped her move." They're all like that's nice. Are you guys going out? He's like, "She has a purple couch." LOL! That night I tell him that everyone's asking about him or about "us" at work to see how he feels. He says, "It's a thing. Don't act like it's not." It's a thing! ^_^

Sunday, November 22, 2009

106, 107, 108, 109, 110

I have a friend who's obsessed with double dates. Don't ask me why. I think she likes the idea of it being in a boy-girl-boy-girl environment. I don't think she cares much that he's my boyfriend or not. The same guy who's been helping me move my furniture that "gave" me his leather jacket was designated as my date for this double date vision of hers. He agreed to it. I'm not going to lie. I kinda liked it. :)

So much has happened, and I want to record all of it.

Monday, November 16, 2009

My Extended Absence, Day 102, 103, 104, and 105

It's amazing how much can happen during such a brief period of time. I saw my ex, but I didn't greet him because he was talking to a girl. The idea that he would publicly reject me wasn't an experience I was ready or willing to stomach. But the truth is that I wanted to say hi to him, so I should have. Every time I deny a part of who I am it seems to backfire. I guess he was so upset by how I acted that he deleted me as a facebook friend. I would've never expected that from him. What an extreme reaction seeing how he went from claiming that it was a serious, exclusive thing to it's only casual to we're friends and can still talk to ignoring one phone call and IM to deleting me as a facebook buddy simply because I didn't greet him. Is it so unreasonable to assume that my ex wants to have nothing to do with me after all that? It doesn't make me any less devastated seeing how he's virtually my only ex that I'm not friends with until yesterday....I got an email from another ex who says he can't be friends with me anymore even though he's forgiven me because he has trust issues. We broke up over two years ago. I guess you never truly know a person.

I ran into an old friend and made a new one. My living situation has reached a stable resolution. After meeting a friend on Wednesday, the very next day I was offered help to move in my furniture from storage to my apartment because they have a truck for their own purposes. I have so many amazing people in my life that have helped me more than they ever needed to. I have no doubt that they're amazing, but this is the first time I was extended such an offer without seeking it. It really means a lot to me.

I made a new friend. I found a new chef. I "stole" his leather jacket. I made mojitos. After a few rounds, we all went outside and he let me wear his leather jacket. He said it looked good on me and that he's thinking of letting me wear it. He, being a new friend, had no idea how literal I would take it, but my other friend knew. We just knew he'd never see it again. Hahaha!

After they helped me move, they had to go off and do their own thing temporarily. My friend told me to let him know if I needed help re-arranging the furniture. I figured it would be harder for me, but I'm capable of moving furniture on my own. I was right. However, as it turns out, it's also a destructive course of action. The leg off of my entertainment center fell off similarly to how my computer table leg off fell during my last move.

My friend put my bed together only to crumble it down as he checked to see if I had an outlet behind it. Crappy IKEA furniture. Putting it together didn't work without it being pushed up to a wall. Of course, moving that broke it again. LOL! Poor guy kept having to repair the bed multiple times. All I had to do was push a piece in, and my violent ass dented the bed! After a ridiculously long time of bed drama (not that kind, pervs!), I went downstairs to enjoy some soup.

We started watching movies and I just remember going in and out of consciousness. I was laying on the bed, on top of the blanket, and little me was taking over the entire space practically like a fat bitch! Next thing you know I stole my friend's only pillow and I rolled the blanket over me while I was on it. I woke up to see my friend laying down in the far end of the corner with his shoes still on and his head leaned back on the headboard. I felt so bad! After all that effort he put into fixing my own bed, he didn't even get to enjoy a good night's sleep only to wake up to help me downgrade to a smaller storage unit. Now before anyone thinks I'm a regulating Dominatrix (don't ask), he suggested it! Some people are just awesome like that. Honestly though, it really meant a lot to me. My other friend I knew for a while, but I just met this guy. The timing couldn't be more perfect, too! They even asked if I wanted to move in with them because I do click better with the guys, but my current unit allows me to store my furniture. So I went with the purple couch, baby!

This experience put some things into perspective for me. I keep going back and forth between making the effort to be friends with someone because my premonitions indicate something greater. I already know or feel confident that those premonitions won't come to term, but I do want to deepen my friendship with certain people. Then I came to the realization that it shouldn't be this hard. And it shouldn't. That brief conclusion left me satisfied with being essentially facebook "friends" until I realized that life is difficult. I shouldn't give up on things just because they aren't ideal. If you know that you can be friends with someone by putting in the effort, I shouldn't let it stop me simply because it requires effort. Quality friendships are rare and hard to find. Even I know that and I'm blessed with a lot of them.

I've been hanging onto my furniture not just for materialistic purposes but because of the emotionally and historical significance. I associate it to home. It's evidence that I worked hard. It's a reflection of my personality. I associate it with stability and a sense of place. I love that I have it now, but I realized that comfort isn't confined to pretty purples. I feel more at home in my friend's basic room on his stiff bed and unfamiliar things than my own things. Don't get me wrong. I'm still eternally grateful for what they did for me, but I like that my ability to feel comfortable is starting to detach from materialism.

I went to my friend's graduation party and saw the game. Pacquaio, baby! Full retreat, full retreat! (Ahaha! Inside joke!) We rolled in there with style. Well the guys did anyways. I looked all right, but the boys looked good. I'm really bummed out that we didn't take pictures. But I finally have my digital camera. I'll be picture whoring soon enough! Speaking of which, I've got pictures of friends stuffing their heads in my amethyst crystal! :)

After my furniture was moved into my apartment, there was so much space in the storage unit that he offered to help me move my stuff to a smaller unit the very next day! Isn't that awesome? We did that. The next day we got all dressed up to go to the opera to watch my friends perform. I was so excited about this performance even though I'm not a fan of opera because I couldn't see my friend for over a month. He's been working so hard on this performance. It was symbolic of why he haven't been hanging out. So it was really important to me. I'm so disappointed that I got the days mixed up. Even though I'm sure he'll understand, I was still devastated.

In a matter of days, I found stability in my home life. I found my direction again. I reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and old friendships were re-defined and sadly pricked away. But all of these changes are moving towards a new direction in my life. I'm looking forward to entering a new chapter in my life. So if that means removing past ghosts, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Day 101

I'm so behind on blogging. I gave a speech for my friend's class that made me reflect on my past that I thought was behind me only to realize that it'll always be a part of me. I found clarity I've been seeking for a while now about something else and gained new insights I plan to share with deserving individuals. I ran into an old friend, made a new friend, and possibly developed a civilized relationship with an enemy. A plan was beginning to formulate, and I'm worry that it's in the process of faltering. Hopefully that won't happen. It's interesting how much can happen in two days. I haven't even had time to get upset about something that happened with my ex. I have too much crap to worry about in my present and near future to stress about what is no longer. It still hurts, though.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I'm Depressed, Day 100

It's amazing how one act or the small action of one person can have such a powerful effect. Anyone who thinks that they don't make an impact is an idiot. You're a part of this world. You live. You breathe. You have an affect. Even the smallest of things can change and devastate you in ways you can't even imagine.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Not Tonight, Day 99

Today was a really interesting day and I definitely plan to blog about it but not tonight.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Twists and Turns of Passion #2, Day 98

I wanted my second painting to be dark, rich, vivid, and red. I want to manifest the passion behind the color red. I also figured it was appropriate since I'm on my period. I'm not sure how exactly that ties, but I had that intention in mind. In the back of my mind, though, I remember thinking how much I like twists, turns, and twirls. That's one of the main appeals of painting for me.

I'm still a beginner. After all, it's the second one I've done! I realized that I can't maintain a certain brush stroke because the paint starts to dry. I started feeling like the original plan I had wasn't going to work, but I wasn't disappointed like I usually get. I saw a bright orange abstract painting earlier today, and I wanted to use that as inspiration. The base was orange and colors were layered over it within the same orange family.

I quickly realized that I couldn't cover my entire canvas red. Somehow that challenge resulted in me using more paint in slightly different shades twirling until most of the paper was covered. Different shades of red mixed in with white to make pink or blue to make a poor attempt at purple were layered over and over. I call it Twists and Turns of Passion. Each vision and dream is strong, but it gets replaced or redefined with the new visions that come to me. The original layer never disappears or fades, though. It may be hidden or forgotten, but the foundation is there. Every new layer builds on the original platform.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

A Day of Feeling, Day 97

Yesterday has really been a defining moment in my life. It's incredible what can change in a single day. I had a moment of realization about where I want to be. I found my direction again. I realized that getting lost has made me appreciate knowing what my path is and the value in discovering that. I don't know what I want out of life. But I have an idea, and that'll eventually lead me to the answer I seek.

I want to work on my spirituality. I want to reach an emotional stability I've never had before. That's strengthened my desire to paint, which was also recommended to me by a spiritualist. Painting or drawing, but there's something about painting that I'm attracted to. Yesterday I discovered why. I have a friend who's offered to teach me some simple tips. But instead of waiting for his advice, I took advantage of my long lost desire for anything and channeled it. I went to Michaels and bought a set of paint brushes, acrylic paint, and an acrylic-friendly sketchpad.

I was afraid of the idea of painting because I'm not artistic or creative, and I thought it would be a waste of money. A friend of mine told me that he thinks every Pisces should paint. But it's how he said it that affected me. It's a good way to process and deal with emotions. For me my first experience just emphasized the difficulties I face day to day that cripple me. I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought I would be. Dare I say it has potential? I'm no longer feeling like the girl that got yelled at because my group lost in bingo because my apple didn't look like an apple.

I wanted to paint because it can be abstract and undefined. It's not trapped within the confines of an image that should be replicated like drawing. I'm always so contained and precise. Painting is a place where I can experiment safely. I can afford to make errors because there's no such thing as right and wrong. It's a place where my mind can rest because I don't have to think about what I'm doing. Even if I never become good at it, I need to practice just separating from my mind. Painting can offer me that.

And after yesterday's experience, I realize how much I need that. I have four distinctly separate images. I've always been good at attention to detail, but seeing the big picture has always been a challenge of mine. I'm still restrained in my process. I have to look deeper within to stretch out beyond what traps me. I can only do that by letting go of my thoughts, and it's that process that'll allow me to really look within and meet the core of who I am. Painting's a lot more powerful than I ever thought it could be.

It's left me open. I woke up to cramps, stiffness, and pain from my period. I rarely get menstrual cramps. I woke up feeling like a girl. I thought that's what my blog was going to be limited to - what it's like to be a girl and almost reminded of it. My cramps are so bad that I'm wearing a pad, something I haven't done since middle school! Sorry for over-sharing but it's a re-learning experience. I forgot how you're supposed to walk differently. It's crazy the things we forget when time passes.

Painting and the awareness I discovered yesterday has left me open. I usually wake up to quench my thirst. I wake up to fulfill the goals I have for the day. I wake up to experience what the day has to offer. Feelings are a consequence of those experiences. But today was all about just feeling everything around me. Experiences developed as a consequence of those feelings, not the other way around.

Pain felt more intense but was more manageable because I immersed myself in my own feelings, so I was also able to alter them. I began writing an email I've been contemplating whether I should send or not. It left me crying because I was processing what I haven't made time to deal with. I was no longer concerning myself with whether it's appropriate or not. I just dealing with circumstance I'm in. No matter how right or wrong I feel something is, I feel how I feel. It made me confident in myself. I browsed at Borders, gravitating towards spiritual topics.

Friday, November 6, 2009

99 Things I May or May Not Have Done

I got this from someone's blog. The bold violet ones are things I have done, and the greens are things I want to do.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business.

58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby.

95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Vision Board, Day 96

I feel like my entire life has been a battle. Sometimes it was self-inflicted. Sometimes it was caused by external forces beyond my control. For one reason or another, I was always battling something or someone. I never realized this before. I just thought it was life; it was my life. It made things exhausting and life difficult, but I thought it was the norm. When I realized that it isn't, something changed in me. The burden this internal conflict sustains is finally beginning to wear me down.

I did something I always feared doing because I thought it was a sign of weakness. I began giving up. You win some, you lose some. In the end, I realized that always winning is never a win. Think about all of the things you sacrifice and miss out on when your eyes are only focused on knocking things down. I never knew I was missing out on because I didn't see anything else. It's amazing what 20/20 vision can offer you.

I always planned, planned, planned as a security measure. Planning is good. Planning is safe. You ever heard that saying? "Failing to plan is planning to fail." I lived my life on that quote, but I never even heard of it until today. The problem with my planning was that it was plagued with an energy of self-doubt and perpetuating failure. I planned to avoid failure that I believed I'd be sucked into, so I did.

I was financially secure but emotionally devastated. Now I'm financially devastated but emotionally healthier. Life is filled with road blocks that it's easy to forget what we have and what we truly want. Other seeming prevalent and superficial matters distort what's truly important and we end up focusing on rent, financial security, a proper education, and other concepts that are weakly structured ideas. But that's all they are, ideas. They're important, but they get over emphasized and over prioritized, while more important issues become neglected and under valued like the desires in us that enrich the quality of our lives. We've become so used to being boggled down by modern civilization that we tend to forget what we want or realize that we're depriving our souls until it's too late. I think that's what's been happening to me, and why I've procrastinated for as long as I have.

"Never lose sight." One of the many wise words spoken today. For a really long time now, I've stopped focusing on what I want and what my desires are. I've led a very one-dimensional life. It used to be all about becoming a writer, marking my signature in life. I wanted there to be evidence that I existed because I never felt like I did. I believed that having my name in print would change that. It wouldn't have.

The only thing that could ever change that is to stop existing and start living. It was my emotional detachment that made me feel isolated in this world. Being so social, I had no idea that I felt dead inside. I thought that was a feeling for the anti-social depressants who wore dark clothes, had no friends and no livelihood, not someone who's ambitious and passionate to fulfill her one desire in life.

As I became more aware of this, my emotions starting rushing in, rushing out, and rushing all around me. I never knew the depth of my heart or my ability to feel anything. I became a hostage of my own emotions and somewhere along the line, I lost myself in the midst of other people's pains, their successes, their passion, and their desires. For the first time I saw someone other than myself. When I saw other people's pains, it wasn't a projection of my own. It was theirs. I couldn't handle it, so I threw myself into it to try and neutralize it because I couldn't handle it. You do that enough times, and you stop realizing when you're drowning because you get used to it.

Today someone just threw me a lifesaver. I think I've been trying to save myself for a while, too, but I was too busy paying attention to everyone and everything else that I wasn't listening to myself. Talk about going to the other opposite extreme! I think that's why I began procrastinating. My procrastination made my interest to help others die down. My procrastination made me lose interest in the common activities that I delved into as a way to avoid my own feelings. As if that wasn't enough, my phone is dead. My two primary email accounts are having problems. The very tools of modern society that blind us to see within ourselves started collapsing around me. So all I was left with was my own feelings.

The problem with being so emotional is that you end up living in a world that's gray. The distinct, clear cut black and white borders bleed away. You're no longer left with user-friendly guidelines. You're left trusting your own instincts. It's frightening in my experience because it's all new to me. It's easy to lose yourself because if you're not careful, this isn't just an emotional world, it's a confusing one. When you lose yourself, you lose your voice. You can lose your identity. The dominant presence, the dominant voice, the dominant identity begins to take over. You hear that voice and feel that energy enough, you start to believe that it could be your own.

I never thought that would happen to me. I was always so firm, adamant, and vocal, but that's because I was emotionally-detached. That's not a sign of strength. It's an absence of normal emotional burdens. There's a difference. Other peoples' visions and goals are admirable and worth achieving. So when I began losing my identity and was only able to see the vision of others, that became my focus.

As I got further into someone else's dream, not my own, something felt off. But I couldn't quite place it. I was afraid to explore it. I wanted so desperate to belong, and I felt like I could there that I didn't want to explore the gnawing feeling inside of me that would've told me that I don't belong there. I could be there, but it wouldn't be me. I wasn't ready to face that. I'm still not, but at least I know the truth.

The company I work for is incredible and carries a vision that's more than worth manifesting. It's so much bigger than me or any single entity because it encompasses all of us and transcends beyond that. How can anyone resist not wanting to be a part of something so pivotal when you're told that your presence is an asset? It's tempting and exhilarating. But it's not me.

As I was listening to my boss' vision and the passion in his voice, I felt empty. I don't want to be at a place where I feel empty. I felt everyone's energy grow as mine shrunk. I spent my entire life reaching for something always greater than me that I kept ignoring myself. I need to be at a place where I can focus on just me. I can't do that with such huge responsibilities.

I kept looking at this the wrong way. I kept seeing things from the perspective of those who want to be a part of this evolution, who deserve to be a part of it, who have to be a part of it to make it happen. From their eyes, it'd be foolish to leave such an opportunity behind. But I'm not them. I can pretend and I can even create a life out of it. It doesn't mean I should, though. I may never get this opportunity again, but that's not a good enough of a reason to stay, for an opportunity outside of myself. As one door of opportunity closes, another one opens. While I'm too busy focusing on this door, how many opportunities that are better suited for my life goal am I leaving behind?

This opportunity I have now requires sacrifices. Many great things in life worth accomplishing that change the world require sacrifice. I realized that as I was surrounded by people fully committed to this vision that even if the sacrifices were great and even if they're ones I can achieve effortlessly, my heart wouldn't be in it. I have to find something I want to put my heart and soul into. This isn't it.

I can waste my time feeling guilty that I'm too selfish to not want to be a part of something so pivotal or be productive and find my own bliss. I'm not here to make others happy. I'm here to fulfill my own desires and my own happiness. I totally forgot about that, but I became aware of it today when I was asked what I wanted out of life or what I wish to achieve five years from now.

I realized that I had no idea. I can count all the many ways I can contribute to further my company's mission, but I can't do that for myself. I shouldn't be committing to something else before I find my own. So the question is what do I want out of life? I want to focus on spirituality. I want to achieve emotional balance that I've never had before. I want to no longer operate like a broken toy. I want to be emotionally-functional and healthy so that I'm receptive to being in love, to love, to live, and to feel. It seems like such an odd ambition, but think about what it would be like to not have that. Do you have any idea how painful and empty that is? I do. So yeah I think addressing those concerns are a greater priority for me than making an evolutionary change towards sustainability of energy. By pursuing the path I'm on now, I'll nourish something but not myself.

I need to work on my "Vision Board." It's a board that displays what a person wants out of life. Mine will include spirituality, focus, knowledge, writing, friendship, and love. It's amazing how things can be put into perspective when you look within yourself. When you're guided by others, you see with their projections, their visions, their dreams, their goals, and sometimes outside of your own. Only you can see for yourself where you want to go.

A spiritualist told me that I have to trust myself more. That's what I'm doing. I can't focus on, "I shouldn't waste this opportunity. This is a chance of a lifetime. Nothing so huge and evolutionary will ever enter your life." There are opportunities everywhere. It's up to us decide which opportunity we pursue. Maybe this is a chance of a lifetime, but it's not my chance. It doesn't matter how significant something is if it doesn't speak to you the way it should. I was told that we all need to "Refine and Clarify." That's what today's blog is.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Make Your Own Realm in this Reality, Day 95

I can't articulate how I feel because I don't think there's a word for it and I'm not sure I can define it. But it's a good feeling. Imagine how you would feel after spring cleaning minus the exhaustion without the giddiness. I feel liberated and calm but in a subtle way. I conveyed something that I've been holding off for some time now. It didn't happen the way I had hoped, but idealism really didn't exist anyways. It's good that it was expressed.

I've been feeling conflicted and guilty about it for some time now because I hated how I felt. I don't like the idea of change in general but specifically this one because of the Domino consequences. I also didn't want to face certain suspicions and doubts I've had for some time. But as time passed, I think I've been wanting to lead up to this point for a while. I guess I should just be happy that it's happening.

I expressed this to a friend of mine. What's interesting is that as time passes, I realize that he's not really who I thought he was or could've been. There's an imbalance there. I don't know what that means or what to make of it, but it's a thought that's been circulating in my mind for a while. So I suppose it's worth mentioning.

I feel a change coming. There's an air of undefined possibilities that doesn't frighten me. I feel surrounded by new energy. I want to pursue it. I know I can't take my past with me. I can only get there by making changes in the now. I have to put me first.

I keep thinking about what the spiritualist told me. I have to stand up for myself. I have to work on my anxiety. I have an active third eye, and I'm in danger of instability. There's always going to be financial burdens. Practicality and function is a priority in society and in my own life, but it hasn't served me well. I don't like it, and it isn't healthy. But I'm better off sustaining a financially devastated state if it brings me closer to my ultimate goal. I have to remove myself from places and people that I feel cause me harm, both physical and emotional ones.

The change I finally addressed was something I confined to one category but really it reaches beyond that. I have to grow spiritually. I need balance to manage my gift. I have to be around positive energy. I can't and won't always get that, but sitting around in something toxic won't help me, either.

I have to make my own realm in this reality. It's time I start painting. My friend believes that every pisces should paint. Painting is what appeals to me the most, so I want to pursue that rather than drawing. I should be tutored on funny. I have to find ways to find balance. Painting is my biggest appeal at the moment. I have a friend who has offered to teach me, the same friend who's going to teach me how to ride a bike. He has no idea how powerful and deeply rooted these concerns are for me. I don't think I'll ever reveal why to him, which is tragic. I wish I can share the depths with him if he's the one to help me get there. Who knows, maybe things will change. I'm not focused on that, though. Painting is my lust.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Day 94

I'm not sure what to blog about, not because my day was uneventful. I'm not in a narrative mood, and I shouldn't be. I can't define how I feel, but I don't think it's a feeling I should shrug off or overlook. I want to focus on it. Hopefully it'll lead me deeper into something I'm seeking.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I'm Still Afraid of my Own Feelings, Day 93

I just read today that my friend who inspired me to create this blog has fibroid tumors. I have no idea what that means or what she's going through. She's strong, and that'll get her through this. But strength doesn't mean there's an absence of fear, doubt, or even weakness. Part of me is frightened for her and saddened for her.

Sometimes there's nothing more frightening than the unknown especially since it's so easy to become a victim to negativity. We're conditioned to question and be suspicious of happiness and good intentions, but we'll be dangerously open to self-sabotage and the possibility of betrayal. How twisted is that? When did we become such distrustful creatures? It's so important to break out of that habit. I'm grateful that we're becoming aware of this and making the concerted effort to change these habits of ours.

And she's really getting there. A concert led her to an epiphany I don't doubt has brought her closer to discovering her true self. The idea of having a life changing experience about your own identity crisis at a social event on the surface hints at the possibility of frivolousness, and she's aware of that. Maybe frivolousness is too strong of a word, but it's not the kind of place people expect to have such a spiritual understanding of what's plagued you for so long.

I have this idea that people go to concerts to escape the burdens of their lives, so the idea of coming to terms with something is profound. But I can relate to the concept. Since I've become receptive and not let my burdens weigh on me so heavily, I've made discoveries from unexpected sources. There are lessons to be learned everywhere and anywhere if you're open to it.

It's crazy how sickness and despair can give us the courage to rise above our challenges. I hate people who hate pain and wish it away on a regular basis. Everyone wants pain to disappear from the world at one point in their lives, but the kind of people who want that as a permanent absence is weak and a pathetic excuse. Some of them are my friends, and I love them. But I also hate them for it.

Pain is what shapes and mold us. Pain reveals our true selves. I wish we were stronger and are able to grow without it. Some people argue that we can if pain was absent. But there's happiness, too, and in pain as well. If that happiness isn't enough for people to grow, an absence of pain won't change that. It's unfortunate, but the evidence is undeniable.

The people who inspire me the most are the ones who have endured pain and lifted themselves up from the struggles in their lives. But sometimes it saddens me how much pain we deal with, self-inflicted or otherwise. Do we experience that much pain because we have to grow that much? I used to feel that the world hated me because I dealt with more crap than the average person. I'm not being dramatic; I'm being accurate in my assessment. Then it occurred to me, all this crap happens because I don't learn from it. I haven't grown from it. I hate the idea that people suffer so much because we can be slow learners.

As I keep re-routing on this endless tangent, my mind returns to my friend. Here I am livid about this ongoing dispute I have about rent, my financial burdens, the sadness I don't have time to feel, the blatant unfairness my professor is selectively practicing on me, the emotional ineptness I feel is trivial but important, the premonitions that I feel keep testing me by shattering the ground below me, and all these other legitimate reasons that should drive me to depression, but I'm too weak to surrender to my emotions to even be receptive to depression. Yeah, I'm too weak to be depressed. It sounds paradoxical, right? But I'm too afraid to be human, to face a human experience. I'm probably depressed now, but I just won't allow myself to feel it.

I'm afraid of emotions because it makes you lose control. You surrender your power to an unpredictable and uncontrollable source that has no sense of limitations, time, scheduling, convenience, sleep patterns, errands that have to be completed, etc. I'm terrified of feeling. I don't want to be afraid for my friend. I don't want to be sad. And I keep thinking as I resist the fear that I can't suppress the way I used to how incredibly selfish I am. My friend has a real medical problem that jeopardizes her health, her goals, her securities, and her emotional state. I'm distastefully focused on how I'm unable to do the very reason why I started this blog - to not be afraid to feel.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I'm Living the Experience of an 18 or 21 Year Old, Day 92

I'm 25 years old, young enough that I haven't had enough experiences to be considered wise. But it's the experiences that define that, isn't it? I've had more experiences than people twice my age. I ran away from home at age 12. I entered the foster care system when I was fourteen. I became legally emancipated as a minor at sixteen. I went to public school, private school, charter school, behaviorally-modified school, Catholic school, (upscale and ghetto institutions) and been in halfway programs, all in tiny San Francisco. I've lived in foster homes, group homes, high level security live-in youth programs, halfway houses, parks, cars, buses, other peoples' homes, school, society's elite and the grungy ghetto, the list is endless. I have friends who have traveled the world and have gained a diversity of experiences I gained in a single city.

I was born into prominence. I had my own room. I've lived with people I have called foster sisters. I've lived with people I coldly referred to as roommates in a foster setting. Nothing was my own. Everything was shared. Privacy didn't exist. I was misplaced in a high security group home. (I know they all claim they don't belong there. But when your former foster parents advise you to attack one of the counselors there to be released that resulted in an unlikely arrangement that should've led me to juvenile instead of resuming foster placement and a dispute of misconduct circulated around my social worker that resulted in official complaints, I feel I'm in the right). And by high level, I mean heavy security monitored mostly by males who take advantage of unstable girls who are known to lie because it's the perfect place for bastards like that, an endless supply of girls with no one to answer to. I've shared rooms. I've lived with twelve girls! I've been strangled in my sleep. I've had male roommates. I've lived with a significant other. I've lived with friends. I've lived with other families. I've lived alone. I've had legal and illegal contracts. I've had no contracts. I've lived in apartments, houses, sublets, back houses, in-laws, luxury apartments, janky places, dorm situations.

I've had plans to move out since my childhood friend's mom has been alive. She died when I was seven or eight. I went through a lot, and yet for someone who doesn't let go of the past, I haven't thought about where I came from and what I went through until recently. I was talking to a friend who isn't satisfied with his current living situation. He has roommates and isn't allowed to have anyone sleep over. He said, "I'm 32 years old."It was painfully obvious to me at the time he was a victim of social conformity, that by becoming a slave to societal expectations he should have his own place by now. He's unhappy that his living situation reflects that of a younger person.

It's understandable that someone his age wants to live on his own but to feel like he doesn't belong there felt ridiculous to me. I was certain at the time that he only felt that way because of societal expectations. And maybe that's a part of it. But there's more to it that I didn't recognize before because all I saw was what was on the surface. Societal expectation is a distorted perception and perverse reflection of where people "should be" at certain points in their lives defined by our own actions. Humanity is too vast to confine it to a single structure, but there's an underlying truth to it.

As we get older and have more experiences, we move onto the next chapter of our lives. It correlates that as you get older, you should move forward. But too many of us stay behind for a myriad of reasons. In my friend's case, his lifestyle lends to a situation that's more commonly experienced by someone in my age group. Until his situation changes, he'll continue to be best suited for that living arrangement. I imagine it doesn't make it easier for him, though.

I was able to relate when I had my own experience that made me feel like I don't belong here anymore in spite of my lifestyle that lends to the very living situation I'm in. On some level I must've felt this way for a while. It's easy to assume that if your lifestyle can only support that of a newly emancipated adult that you on some level belong there. But after you've done it for so long or in my experience witness a contrasting encounter that reveals how out of place I am because I don't share that same excitement and vigor, it opens your eyes and puts you in a mildly depressing state of mind.

Some of my roommates aren't even legal to drink. Some barely just got there. In some ways, 25 isn't that far off from 22 or 23. But I went through the whole roommate process before I became a teenager. I'm long overdue for being independent, as in absent of roommates. It became painfully evident as I watched two of my roommate's energy spike up as their excitement grew over how to decorate the apartment. Since you share the space, it's very much an inclusive process. I get it, better than they would realize because I've gone through it a lot. But that's just it. I've gone through it a lot.

I'm sure I come off inconsiderate, and to a degree I am. While I don't make a mess of the shared space, I don't put much effort to clean it up as much as I should. I'm a hypocrite because I don't care. More inconveniently and rudely of me, I maintain a mess of my own area. Although it is my space and therefore I'm entitled to create whatever environment I see fit, how my space is publicly displayed does have an affect on everyone else who lives here. I just don't care.

My lack of concern towards them is affecting their first experience being on their own. I listened to two girls excitedly blab last night about their visions on how to make it more like home for them. I realized that I didn't share that same interest, desire, or passion. There was nothing there. I just felt this great divide grow between us as I realized I'm where I don't belong. I may not be in a position to move forward in life, so my only choice at the moment is to stay where I am. But I'm frozen in time. I'm stifled like my friend.

That feeling was made clear as my roommate persistently asked me if I wanted to use her closet because although she never articulated it, how things appear now is bothersome for her and for others for sure. It's understandable, but I'm still not interested. I don't like how messy my space is now, but it's authentic to who I am at the moment. Using someone else's furniture would be altering this process I'm going through.

Plus as much as I want to make this a positive experience for everyone else, I don't like the idea of accepting something I don't want. The fact that that event occurred made me realize how much I don't want to be here. I was a minor when I didn't have to answer anyone. Now in my mid twenties, I have to make considerations of my young and newly moved out roommates. I don't want to have to answer to anyone or be in a place where I have to make such considerations.

Some space became available. So after receiving consent, I moved some boxes in that space only to be asked if I would mind if one or two boxes got transferred into the closet. I didn't mind. As it turned out, all of the boxes were transferred. I didn't really mind that either because if I did, I would have vocalized that. But what that experience revealed is that this isn't the place for me. Even kitchen-related items were transferred because it is too bulky for the kitchen.

My roommates have all made new purchases that are easily accommodated because of the selected items i.e. small plates, utensils, cheap pans, etc. Despite the generous amount of dishes and utensils, their purchases are appropriate and space is available for them. Even my Japanese earthenware pot is too spacious. I have empty boxes for quality cookware from Emile Henry, too. I'm sure it appears like I'm being neurotic and excessive by keeping those boxes. But when you buy quality cookware, it makes the most amount of sense. I'm fortunate to have understanding roommates. They wouldn't ask me to dispose of it, but it is an inconvenience.

My quality purchases would be an inconvenience. I have a Scanpan skillet, All-Clad saucier pan, Demeyere saute pan, All-Clad 2 and 4-quart saucepans, Emile Henry 4 and 8-quart burgundy clay pots, Le Creuset 7 1/2 quart Dutch Oven, All-Clad stockpot, etc. I basically have a thousand dollars worth of cookware tucked away in storage. It would be totally inappropriate and selfish of me if I brought it here. There's way too much cookware and not enough space. Even the apartment isn't meant to accommodate such a generous selection. If I decided to be selfish, there would be no space for the other cookware in which case my stuff would have to be shared. I don't think any of us are responsible enough to take proper care of it because even my actions in this environment reflect that of a "young" person. It's telling that everyone else's stuff as they're building their supply is accommodated but not my own. I have enough furniture to fill an entire apartment, and my bed looks like it swallows half my living area.

One of my roommate was talking about the idea of splitting the cost for a bath rug since we'll all use it. It makes sense in theory, but I respectfully declined mostly because I can't afford it. That's more coincidental than anything, though, because that's not an interest of mine. It's a great solution and method when you're first moving out because it's the easiest way to make things affordable. I've been there. But what happens when you move out? Who keeps what? That's money you'll never get back. $3-$4 isn't a lot of money, and everyone's respectful. So I'm confident that it'll work out. But I'm not at that place in my life right now. I have my own bath rug, but I'm unwilling to bring it here.

Truth be told, I don't find bath rugs practical. People don't take care of it often enough. Even if one person uses it everyday as they step out of the shower, that's already disgusting. People don't fully understand the dangers and development of mold. It frustrates me when I try to share it and I'm shunned with the explanation that they need to have a neat and clean bathroom. But bath rugs harbor mold! They don't understand that, but they're also unwilling to. And I've been there. I understand. But I'm not there anymore.

I don't like the idea of living in a place where people aren't willing to hear me out because they have a bigoted notion about what cleanliness is when it's inaccurate, but majority rules. It's not difficult to place a towel on the ground and then pick it back up and hang it somewhere. Towels have moisture absorbing material, but bath rugs don't, not an efficient one anyways. It's a more mature method to use a towel because you're making cleanliness a greater priority and working for it, rather than leaving a bath rug that's dirty after one use and growing invisible mold by the third day. For them it's about aesthetics more than anything, and they do feel that it's cleaner to walk out on a protected surface. Towels offer that, though. It's not an interest for them, though, and I get it. I really do. Been there, done that.

I guess what frustrates me isn't their position but their reaction and selectivity. They don't realize that what they say they want through their actions doesn't achieve that goal. They don't know that because they don't listen. They don't listen because they aren't interested. I just don't like going ignored with the insinuation that I'm not being clean when I'm the only person who's offering a solution that makes the most amount of sense. If I placed the towel there and removed it at their disposal, they would still want something visually aesthetic because it offers comfort for them. A bath rug that's created for that specific rug gives them a sense of cleanliness, and it's about that feeling, not what's actually breeding in there.

They're at a place in their lives where they're interested in achieving a sense of comfort and living that out because they weren't granted those opportunities under their parents roof. I want that for them. It's good for them. They deserve it. I'm just not about that anymore. I'm more about the practicality now. They would rather entertain irrational preferences even if it doesn't make sense without listening to the advantages of the other side, and I let them have it. There's no point in engaging in a futile battle and crushing this experience for them. I wish I knew them when I was younger.

Now, honestly, I have no place to complain because if cleanliness is such a high priority, I should put the effort in myself, and I don't. I'm aware of that. It's just not the place for me anymore. I don't like having to answer to anyone and having the burden that my actions have consequences for the people around me, so my actions have to be censored. This living situation feels very much like productive adult high school. Everyone but me is on the same wavelength. They work towards achieving their goals because it's a mutual desire. We all contribute to the neglected mess, but I don't complain about it. I don't want to come home and hear someone complain about it. I don't want to come to it, period. I'd rather live with pigs who don't complain than hear them display their hypocrisy. They don't mind it, though, and for them, it's actually a productive process. Talking about it brings about change. Again, except for me, though.

The truth is that if I lived alone, I would be cleaner and more responsible because it would feel like home. I'd put in the effort to maintain that. Since I don't feel that way here, I behave differently. It's not fair to these girls who are experiencing their first time out on their own. In a twisted way I feel like it's a betrayal to myself.

I can do it, and I have for a while. I found a sister here, so this is definitely a valuable and worthwhile experience. But I finally realized why I was more comfortable in a place with growing mold and a room that shakes every time someone walked near it. I had my own space, not a great space, but my own space. I want home to be a quiet place I come home to because it's where I want to recover from the daily stresses of life. I'm too old, both physically and mentally, to socialize. It's more appropriate for me to find my own home, which means making necessary adjustments in my own life to achieve that.