Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Experiences that Flavor Our Soul, Day 138

I've missed some entries, but that doesn't mean that I didn't have any meaningful experiences. I came to the realization that I don't make the time to blog when I feel that there isn't adequate time to cover everything, and that's a poor habit I have to change. If I wait to blog only when I'm able to offer a generous amount of time, I'll never have the opportunity to develop as a writer. Life isn't going to offer me that kind of leniency, and I certainly shouldn't wait until it's offered up to me, either.

I had plans to go to a sweat lodge which I had been looking forward to because it's one of my life long dreams. It's on the something to do before I die list. As much as I want to travel, this has more significance to me because it's meant to be a spiritual experience. When my boyfriend and I were on a break I suppose, it felt like my world collapsed around me. But life kept moving forward. In fact, a friend of mine was in Germany for two weeks and had returned just as my schedule cleared. Immediately plans for a sweat lodge came up.

I even had a "floating" side storage unit. It was leaning against the wall and the front two legs were sitting on the side of my bed, so it was off the ground. It was weird, funky, and very me. That's the kind of shit that I do when I'm single, partly because I'm unable to move things properly and but eventually because my limitations has led me to develop these odd fascinations. It was symbolic of the old me returning.

I'm glad that things worked out between me and this guy. It's also safer that it was rearranged, but I was completely looking forward to this sweat lodge that didn't happen. My boyfriend sensed that it wasn't going to happen after I received a cancellation text message from a friend, so he directed my anger towards him before I became devastated about my lifelong dream getting shattered. That's got to be one of the sweetest and most twistedly dark thing someone's done for me.

I don't want to cheapen it by saying that it's just a sweat lodge, but that opportunity will occur again. That isn't to say that I wouldn't have been heartbroken. Getting mad at the boyfriend is something most people handle better, but it's not what I wanted. Yet I can't help but be moved by his efforts, though.

I also missed my friend's birthday party which I wish I hadn't. Then I received an email from a good friend of mine that he might be moving because of a myriad of reasons. We actually had a really meaningful talk recently about his life. I've had so many premonitions about him and where his life could lead. This was always a possibility. It's interesting because he felt that he wanted to share his recent events with me. I hope my insights help him.

The past couple of days have been evidence of how life offers more choices than we properly appreciate and recognize. But it's the decisions we make that determine our own happiness. No matter how awful things are, life keeps moving and going on. It doesn't stop or wait for any of us. It moves forward without abandon. We may not always see it, but that doesn't make it any less true. Thoughts create our own realities, so sometimes we "create a reality" where life just stays still, but it's nothing more than an illusion. However, that doesn't mean that we can't be a part of life if we let some opportunities escape us.

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