I feel the need to begin this post by expressing how negligent I've been and how I hate to work towards correcting that. I'm considering starting a new slate on January 1. I kept thinking that if I missed a day that I shouldn't count that day, but that's not representative or authentic to the 365-a-Day Project. Neither is cutting it off, but sometimes you need a fresh start. That's what I recently discovered.
So after two days of being broken up, my ex comes to my apartment and expresses that he feels he might have overreacted and that he's willing to babysit my TV and DVD player because there's not that much space in my apartment. Gee, thanks. What a male reaction, right? When he saw how unamused I was he snapped and said, "Fine, you don't want my help? Whatever! I don't give a damn! I don't even care." Then two seconds later he asks if I'm okay and need any help moving stuff around :) He cares.
My apartment complex is like high school. Everyone knows everyone's business. There's the OG partiers and then there's him and me. The youngsters see us as the party king and queen. Yeah right! We do tend to have people over. Anyways, some friends from the other units have asked about what's been going on. I got this whole speech that bordered on the balance of the universe (apartment social interaction) has to be restored. Things were more comfortable, social, and happier before things fell apart.
It's true, but I can't be with someone who distrusts me so much. I show consideration and thoughtfulness towards my friends. I overcompensate for my selfishness which I don't try to do, but there's a lot I don't understand. So I analyze and all I can do is draw on my own experiences. It becomes centered around me. I'm sure it's a challenge and a constant annoyance my friends tolerate. I show my gratitude by doing little things. It's not flirty; I won't change my ways. I can't be with someone who distrusts me and sees the worst in me when I'm actually doing something nice. What a set up that is!
As it turns out, though, that's not quite how it is. He never really distrusted me. He's had insecurities which I've had, too, in all honesty. It's like reflex for me. I've been crying a lot lately. Work, school, finances, and other aspects of my personal life has been miserable. It's made me a crazy emotional girl! He didn't think I was cheating on him but worried that a person in my situation would be tempted to cheat because he thought I was unhappy in the relationship. That makes sense considering how many tears I've shed, but that actually had nothing to do with him.
Some distance had made him realize that I bounce back up really quickly from the tears, so it couldn't be as bad as he once thought it was. He had doubts when I said everything's fine because my eyes are watering. That's understandable. We haven't known each other for that long, so he doesn't know I mean it when I say stuff like that. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me, but it's an understandable skepticism. Girls bullshit all the time about those things.
My perception of everything was drastically different, too. I heard that he was happy from someone who's perception is a little shallower. I also heard him hanging out with the guys until really late, so I assumed that he was having a blast. Our friends were telling me otherwise. Sometimes it's good to get the insights of a man. Getting a PS3 was a way for him to not deal with what happened.
He admitted that he's been broken up about what happened and hasn't slept well. I thought it was just me. I assumed he didn't sleep well because he was up all night. It never occurred to me that he was up all night hanging out with the guys because he couldn't sleep. My tendency to always think that a person would rather be away from me came out as I suspected that he kicked me out of his place when he said that I can go back to hanging out with the guys and he has to shower. The guys asked if I ever had to leave when he showered before. No, he was just being considerate.
I got further confirmation about this from him. We've decided to take things slowly. We had some epiphanies about where we went wrong. We also spend a lot of time with other people because people just gravitate towards us. It's hard for us to really get to know each other and pick up on ques when we're distracted. We aren't exactly together right now, but we're developing our friendship so that down the line we can change that. It's exclusive. We're not seeing anyone else. We're going to have "date nights or days" where we dedicate time that's just us, so we can be around each other.
I'm really looking forward to this. It feels like everyone's uncomfortable with the breakup. It not only affected the two people involved but everyone surrounding us. How insane is that? Just not hearing us laugh, bicker, cook, and socialize was enough for facebook intervention. Neither of us can return to the relationship we had, but I don't think we'll revert to the way things were. We just misinterpreted a lot of things and reacted falsely. A different approach, we're hoping, will change the outcome. Only time will tell. We're all optimistic about it.
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