Monday, December 14, 2009

Fluctuations in my Life, Day 114

Why is it that I have so many fluctuations in my life and I only make the priority to write during the absence of happiness? Writing is such a fundamental aspect and of high importance in my life, but I don't incorporate happiness into it. Is that because I don't prioritize happiness as important enough to record? I think so. How twisted is that?

I'm so afraid of being happy for so many reasons - vulnerability, exposure, destruction, unfamiliarity, I can keep going on and on. When things end, I don't feel so bad about expressing things because I can keep it vague and I'm only recording what people know. Plus I'm not afraid to be exposed. I'm used to people seeing my misery and destruction. What I'm not used to is people seeing me happy; I'm not used to people seeing me happy. But I want to be. Writing is my process to understand, and I'm starting to understand that not every feeling is meant to be understood, but I'm a writer at heart. I shouldn't hold back what's in my heart and for a writer that's expressing how you feel in words no matter how crappy it is.

I can sit here and create a thousand excuses for why I haven't written about the recent moments that have made me smile, laugh, take my breath away, the exhilarating moments I miss...but they'd all be bullshit. There's an element of truth to all of it, but it's not the core. I don't like to be confused, and writing about happiness would confuse me. I'd worry that writing about happiness isn't nearly as convincing as when I write about being saddened. I think people can sense that, but they won't sense that I'm happy. What if he thinks I'm not happy because when I write about being happy it sounds forced? It probably would in the beginning because it's unnatural.

That should've never been a reason for me to not record those moments. That's belittling who he is. I have to trust that he knows how I feel even if it's poorly written. And if he doesn't, that's not a good enough of a reason to stunt my writing by censoring myself. The whole reason why I began this writing journey Air-Earth-Fire-Water is because I want to evolve as a writer, so that means I have to explore other writing styles. In fact, if it makes me uncomfortable, those are the kinds I should pursue and not just in writing but in life, as well.

I also have to stop using other people as a shield. It's not fair to them. They don't ask for this. It's cowardly and twisted of me. I have to endure some pain sometimes. Another excuse I used is that he wouldn't want me to expose him, but he's been so open with me. I would only be revealing the side he feels comfortable enough to expose to me and everyone around us. For once I bagged a guy who wasn't afraid to show how he feels, so I ran away. I miss him.

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