Friday, March 30, 2012

What Would I do if I Won the Lotto?

Interestingly enough, this is a blog topic on my to-do list. With the huge jackpot, I find it an appropriate time to elaborate my thoughts on this. When I was younger I was adamant that having a lot of money wouldn't change me, but that was rather naive of me. Everything changes us all the time. What we do and what we don't do, every experience that we go through and are exposed to changes us even in subtle ways. To inherit a ridiculous amount of wealth, it's impossible to not change.

Much in the same way I became anti-domesticated because of gender role exposure I had growing up, I was experiencing another extremist position. I was brought up told that it was a woman's job, place, and purpose to cook, to cook for her man. I thought that was the most condescending, disrespectful, and dumbest concept of all time. I still believe that. Women in my culture are often seen as inferior cuz our role is within the home. If we're so inferior, then why is it that men are unable to do it themselves since it's so simple was often my snarky response. My dad was helpless in the kitchen. My response went unanswered with the remark that I'm a child and I don't deserve such an answer cuz it was an adult's world. And yet I was expected to be a part of this adult's world by cooking. I wasn't having it.

I refused to contribute to a belief I didn't have. It wasn't until I lost the TiVo remote and saw the Food Network channel for an entire day that I rushed to the grocery store and began cooking because I didn't want what restaurants offered; I wanted what I saw on TV! Those exact dishes! I was in a relationship with a guy who did the cooking at that time, so I didn't mind it. This experience showed me that I can cook without compromising my feminist integrity. It's empowering to take my health into my own hands, and I'm important enough to make a priority. So cooking is one of the best ways to do it.

When it came to wealth, I had the same one-sided distortion, that money corrupts people. So I was determined that it wouldn't happen to me, but the truth is I would've been far more susceptible to it then than now. Not every change is bad, and I do want to change if I came across such wealth since I don't plan on letting it sit in a bank. I want to enrich my life, allow myself experiences I wouldn't otherwise have a chance to have, and make the world a better place with my resources.

My perspective has evolved a lot more since I thought about wealth cuz my focus hasn't been on money. So what would I do if I won the lotto? I'd donate a substantial amount to some of my favorite charity organizations such as Habitat for Humanity, Heifer Foundation, and Haitian Foundation. I'd also invest resources into finding the best organizations for other causes such as animal rights, children suffering from cancer, health insurance, and a myriad of other concerns. I'd create a list of as many issues and uncover the best charity organizations based on how much money goes into the cause and how the rest of the money is distributed. I don't want to waste my money on organizations that re-circulate most of the funding into marketing. That doesn't help the people who are in need.

I'd like to be anonymous. I wonder if that's possible. I wouldn't change my life instantly. I would continue to go to my fairly entry-level job as a receptionist, while I brainstorm how I'd like my future to change. Since I read Personal Finance for Dummies and I'd have no excuse for being not being financially-responsible, I'll invest my money into mutual funds like money market funds, short-term bonds, and long-term stock.

I'd get my mom a place. She just had reconstructive knee surgery, so I'd like her to live in a place that's easily commutable. She's finally able to move, so I want her to be located in a central spot where she can enjoy her surroundings like a nearby beach, coffee houses, bookstore, and other social spots. She may be old, but she's not dead. Trust me. I call her and she can't talk cuz she's in Vegas, while my brother and I text each other on Friday and Saturday nights while we stay home...

I don't want to give her an allowance, so to speak. As much as she'd love to have a house, I'd refrain from it. Please hear me out. It isn't cuz of the money especially since it's so substantial! It's just that she's a very kind and generous woman. People tend to take advantage of that. I'd like to see her in a small apartment that's appropriated to accommodate just herself. She needs to learn how to make herself a priority, and she won't do that if she has a huge house that allows her to sustain her current entertainer status. It's that very habit that forces her to live paycheck by paycheck.

I want her to not have to worry about money. I want her knee to recover in the best way possible, so I'd like to hire a physical therapist and fitness trainer that specializes in treating knee recovery patients. I want her to have the freedom and opportunity to take time off from work so that she can properly recover, rather than force herself to work to make rent and live paycheck by paycheck. But I don't want to make her life so comfortable that she won't go after it. I want to empower her and give her the tools to enjoy life. So maybe once she learns to make herself a priority, I'll reconsider offering her a huge home. But I won't do it if people are going to continue to deplete her financially and emotionally. It's not fair to her, but she's an adult. She holds responsibility for how others treat her especially in her own home.

Also I feel that I'd be doing the world a disservice by giving her so much money that she'll never have to work a day in her life because she's intelligent, perceptive, open, observant, helpful, empathetic, compassionate, caring, hardworking, and an advocate for others. We need people like that in our world. I want her to have her own workshops, so she can create her own schedule and do consulting work. I want her to continue to help others.

I'm not sure what I'd get my brother, but it'll have to considered. He's a talented chef, and maybe he'd like his own restaurant. I told my mom about a coffee shop I'd like to have and the ideas that I want to incorporate. She really likes the idea of me pursuing it cuz she said it's filled with innovative ideas. The coffee shop or more like coffee lounge would have a very different identity from my brother, but maybe it's a project we could both work on. Who knows. It's definitely a thought I'd explore.

I currently live in a bachelor, which is basically a studio without a kitchen. I want to finish decorating it. I want my chakra painted, a mural painted in place of a bed frame, and a wall decal of some inspirational words. I would put it all together, and I'd stay there for a while before I move. Decorating is a way of expressing our identity through design. It's not just about getting a bigger and better house. I want to repaint my dresser, too!

I'd go through my bucket list - skydiving, sweat lodge, see a psychic, get my aura read, take sewing lessons, learn French and American sign language, travel with a high priority for India and France, jump off of a waterfall, get a purple flower tattoo on the back of my left shoulder with a lotto bonus which is to find a tattoo artist willing to ink me when I'm sedated. I also want to dive deeper into crafts. I keep wanting to complete a bunch of tasks like making a journal, creating a memory box, paint an abstract image, origami, candles, soaps, jewelry, purses, etc., but I never do. Maybe I can hire a crafter. I'd like to do something similar with cooking, but rather than get a chef, I want to create a class where we can gather and make food together. Obviously I won't need to charge people and can supply the ingredients. It'd be a nice thing to offer for people who can't afford classes and would food. It can be centered on foods that can be frozen, pickled, and stuff like that. Multiple meals can be made in a single day and brought home.

I want to start a non-profit for homeless mothers with children who have no history of drug abuse. I want an apartment complex dedicated to these families and function as sort of a halfway home. I want there to be a community garden where the women take turns taking care of it and growing produce they can consume. I don't want to put funding into existing programs such as job orientations cuz it's a waste of time and resources. Even with my wealth, I don't want to waste it. I don't want this to be a free ride. The women will have to be productive. If they aren't working, then they're making food for homeless shelters or involved in some sort of volunteer program.

I'd like a food truck where salads and mashed potatoes are sold. These ingredients can be grown on site, making the costs affordable. A food truck is easier to maintain than a restaurant and since there will be no meat served, it's much easier to meet the health code standards. Portability is a definitely plus. The type of meals being served doesn't require culinary experience and is easy to train, too. Work can already be provided for them.

The one thing people forget in these situations are the children. They're suffering too. I'd like to offer a gardening class, a hiking trail, art class, or some sort of activity for the kids to be a part of. It'd also be good to have, so children have supervision when their mothers are working.

My co-worker said she wants to start a non-profit for immigrants who are trying to enter this country. She'd go through a detailed evaluation to determine the best qualified candidates and provide them with funding to live here legally but only offering resources to people who will contribute to this society. She also wants to create an organization for children who have incurable cancer. I'm guessing she wants to offer them opportunities that'll make their condition more bearable for them. That's such a great idea and I respect her for it. I'd work with her on creating those organizations.

I have a friend I want to invest in. I'd like to give him the resources to start his own bakery. I want to be cautious about giving money away to people, so I'm not sure how I'd approach that yet. I'd compile a list of people who matter the most to people and consider what I can buy them. And maybe it'll just be cash, but I'm really not sure at this point. So far this is my list. I really would love to travel, though.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Favoritism or Good Judgment?

Note: Now that I've written this and realized how much time I put into it and how much it drained me, I'm disappointed in myself for indulging in this topic. I shouldn't give power to things I don't want to fuel.

I've been doing a relatively good job not putting energy into feeling inadequate or insecure about my job if I may say so myself. Of course I've experienced brief moments of concern, a feeling too weak to be described as even mild panic from time to time, but I found myself quickly letting that feeling go. It's interesting when these positive changes finally transition. We don't know anything new, but we've become more receptive to the truth which is that stressing about the unknown won't help us any.

If something can be interpreted positively or negatively, I assume it's the latter. I either keep my thoughts to myself, smile through the bullshit, or handle it with a surprising amount of grace that this toxic mentality has had time to build inside of me. Unlike many others who become negative or self-pitying, I'm able to present myself impressionably enough that no one else has really commented on my dangerous thought patterns. I've become accustomed to the energy I exhaust from stress even as a child that it wasn't until recently that I realized how taxing it is on my body.

I'm proud of the progress I've made, but I think now is the time I should inventory my thoughts so I can direct them somewhere and release them on my terms. This is much better than snapping and adding more pressure to myself during a stressful moment where my feelings are unanchored and rampant. This is the first time I've ever put this much energy in thought in wanting to keep a job, probably because this is the first sane job I've had. If you only knew the unbelievable bullshit I've had to deal with.

The CEO calls the police cuz he's all butt hurt that the chef didn't come in to work (just for that reason honestly), working at a place where an insecure girlfriend has a pattern of getting girls fired around her boyfriend only to be greeted by a group of attractive women who wanted me to file a Beauty Against Discrimination lawsuit (it's a real legal term), a ghetto customer knocks over a ladder I'm on....I mean the list is endless. My point is a receptionist position is hardly challenging, satisfying, or meaningful. But I'm not mistreated and have opportunities here that I've never had before, an opportunity to read, write, and focus on my future. This is a rare blessing.

The truth is even though I'm about to complain about the dishonesty and lack of integrity within the employment agency that recruited me, it gave me an opportunity and I'm thankful for that. An employment agency I've never worked for or heard of found my resume online and offered me a job at an impressive salary for what I do and the state of the economy. It's conveniently located. Commuting to work is actually a breeze. I've never experienced that before. Now I understand why people are so shocked that I used to travel such distances. I've never had such a simple luxury. My yoga class is minutes away from here. Things are beginning to fall into place.

I really feel like they'll choose to keep me, but I can't bring myself to fully believe it. It's taken baby steps for me to even consider it. Even a job that I'll be only momentarily sad if I lose it is attached to rejection, so I'm totally guarded around it. How insane is that? ! Other candidates haven't been interviewing well, and I'm doing my job properly. Why am I so afraid to admit that I have a real shot? I guess it's because I worry if I can't even keep a job like this, what chance do I have at something bigger and better?

Anyways back to my original reason for this entry. Favoritism or Good Judgment? Yes, my position is undeniably biased. Maybe good judgment means choosing another candidate for my job. But I feel how I feel.

I should start from the beginning. The employment agency that recruited me was summoned by the HR representative. They're friends. That doesn't necessarily mean judgment is compromised, but I'm hoping this is a unique case. The guy from the agency called me multiple times one evening after work. He even texted me but since I received them so late into the evening, I decided to call the next morning before work. A voicemail was already waiting for me.

That's quite a bit of effort to get a hold of me. He said he just wanted to see how I like my job and the company wants to know how I feel about getting additional responsibilities. I was surprised by this remark because I made human errors, but considering the potential disaster, they're unacceptable. So I wondered why they would want to give me additional responsibilities. I certainly wasn't going to discuss that with the employment agency, though. I accepted, gave my pitch about why I like this job, and went about my business until I noticed postings for my job.

That's when I spoke in private with the office manager who was shocked by this entire misunderstanding. I was told this job is temp to hire and after being asked if I want additional responsibilities, finding my job posting made me worry if I'll even make rent the following month. She confided in me that she had hesitations about going with this agency, and she made it clear to them that although it's temp to hire she informed them a permanent candidate would be looking at a salary reduction because my current rate is out of their budget. That financially makes sense. She hated that I was misled and had to experience the anxiety that I won't be able to make rent.

It took me a day to put these thoughts together, but the agency called me multiple times. Who calls that often just to lie? The guy was doing his research. I'm a friendly and sociable person. It's very possible someone would've informed me of the truth. The HR guy kept his distance from me even though he was friendly with everyone else. And I didn't feel inclined to open to him outside of a professional relationship and usually there's a reason for that. It just takes me a while to discover what that is.

Today the HR rep's friend was interviewing. The guy talked over me when he asked me where the bathroom is. It could've been accidentally but it seemed more like he lacks conscientiousness and is disregarding. When he was waiting to be interviewed, he was pacing. In his speech, there's an indication of confidence that was conveyed while putting other people down. He said something like I take the time and most people don't. Something like that.

So there's the HR rep, the friend of the HR rep who's interviewing, and another friend of theirs that shows up and waits for the interview to be over! It's like a high school reunion. Who does that? It's so unprofessional. I know I'm being overly critical but seriously I wonder especially because of the guy's behavior which shouldn't be much of a surprise actually. He walks in and plops himself down on the couch all casually as if he just got home.

This is a business. Generally people are at the waiting area to wait. So I greet him and he looks at me like I'm crazy. How am I supposed to know who you're waiting for? Then the HR rep comes and starts hanging out with him. The friend starts complaining that there are no magazines. -_____-

As for the interview, the office manager was laughing a lot. But they weren't talking about work. She was telling him where she lives and it was indicated that he asked because at the end she asked him if he had any other questions. I believe it was her polite way of trying to get him to re-focus. It's just easy to worry since it seemed like the most enjoyable interview she's had. I just hope she realizes that they weren't interviewing! I'd hate it if I end up losing this job to a guy like him who's affiliated with this shady HR rep! I doubt the interviewer is faultless, too, since he asked his friend to give him a ride. This is the kind of person who doesn't see anything wrong with their behavior.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

You Never Really Know

Life is full of surprises and uncertainties. You never know what's going on in someone's head. Things may not be what you perceive them to be. We all create our own realities and co-exist with one another. Generally there's a seemingly smooth integration between each unique individual's own world that we forget that although there's an interconnectedness between us all that there's also a separation that can't be fused together. This is both a blessing and a curse.

Our thoughts and feelings are sacred, powerful, and very personal. Even the most open person in the world can never truly share their feelings with others because our feelings our connected within ourselves; it's an experience we're feeling because of who we are. Each person experiences happiness, sadness, loneliness, and every other emotion in a unique and individual way. Yes, there's a universal understanding that allows us identify it. But it's still different. It's that disconnection that keeps us from fully knowing the feelings of others. Some people even hide feelings from themselves. I've been guilty of it.

So how can we expect others to have a clue about what we're feeling? It's not always realistic, and all it takes is that one misinterpretation or unawareness of certain feelings, even just one, to distort the truth. Sometimes a variation of the truth is still the truth. Feelings are complicated like that. I think it's important to inventory our feelings and be aware of this.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Welcoming New Energy

Monday represents a new week. It always inevitably comes around, so we tend to take it for advantage. We forget that it can mean a fresh start because even though the past is still a part of us and we can't erase it, time moved forward. That still means new energy, fresh energy. Some people choose to stay in the past, contaminating their energy and leaving it stagnant. But Monday still presents a new opportunity.

With the end of March approaching, we have the annual rain coming down on us. Just when the winter comes to a close and we see sparks of spring, the rain reminds us that the summery delight is a tease, a preview of what's to come. I personally hate the rain and can't understand why anyone enjoys it. It's cold, gloomy, causes or contributes to depression, and weakens the immune system. I wish I could enjoy the changing seasons since I'm exposed to them, but it's still how I feel.

What I do like is after the rain ends, we're greeted by the sun. It's like the toxins get released in the form of rain and it's very therapeutic. We need the rain after all. Once we get past that mandatory phase, spring blossoms and nature comes out to play. People begin to take off extra layers of skin and out of all the seasons, spring symbolizes change. Spring cleaning, detoxes, lighter meals, less layers of clothes, nature blooming all around us...

For me yesterday represented those days. My weekend was filled with amazing communication, misunderstandings, unnecessary confrontations, unavoidable cancellations, and happy times. It was a catch all of everything, the good and the bad. But I wanted Monday to be different. The rain went away and I wanted to do something different.

As I was manifesting my desire I came across an invite for happy hour. I met some new people and had some good food. One of the things I really enjoy about getting older is it becomes easier to connect with people because it's as though we intuitively gravitate towards people we can bond with. Conversations become more natural and finding things to talk about is easier. We just flow in a way where we find that string of connection, rather than feebly searching for it in all of the wrong places.

Of course not every person we come across will lead to lifelong meaningful friendships, but it's not a series of incompatible energy. I find myself less and less being exposed to people that I immediately sense I dislike without having any idea why, then feeling guilty for what feels like unwarranted judgments when it's actually intuitive assessment, and desperate to feel more open-minded, I interact only to regret it. I never know what kind of people I'll meet until after it happens but I find myself more inclined during some moments more than others. And it's by listening to my inner voice then that I develop friendships that are most conducive for me.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Uncertain Title via Uncertain Content

I'm not really sure what I want to write about and I doubt there will be a cohesive theme, although that's nothing new. This is free writing after all. I do have a lot of things on my mind and ideas of what I'd like to express. This weekend we had Baby Day at my job!!! It was amazing!

On Friday I spent like four hours on the phone with a really good friend, so I didn't get any sleep. But I had a wonderful time! Sometimes he and I clash cuz he interprets my lack of smiling as anger when I'm not upset or bothered at all. It was enjoyable being able to talk to him without running the risk of offending him cuz I say something that's meant to be funny and it's not interpreted as such.

I ended up missing my massage appointment, though. That was a bittersweet consequence. I rescheduled my alarm clock to go off at the appropriate time but failed to remember that it's only set Monday-Friday. So I wasn't able to make it to my appointment. It was actually absent-mindedness that caused this, but it worked out perfectly! I didn't mean to schedule an appointment on the same day as baby day; it just slipped my mind. I wanted to schedule an appointment because this massage therapist is known to be wonderful and she's offering a $20 off special until the end of the month to fill up her morning appointments. I want to take advantage of this, but I have another week left if I decide I want to go. I came across a modeling opportunity I might be more interested in. I'll weigh the choices before I make my decision.

Baby day was so much fun! there were two babies and one was six months old. She's incredibly friendly! One of my co-workers was taking pictures of everyone. The entire time the baby was super attentive and friendly until the camera's on us. Then I turned into the baby begging for her to pay attention to me. LOL! The minute the camera goes down, she's ready to play. She extends her arms out, wrapping them around my neck, leans forward, and just jumps up and down until the next thing you know, I'm carrying her!

That's the first time I've carried a baby since I was in the fifth grade!!! I was insecure about whether I was holding her correctly or not. I probably wasn't doing it in the best way but she was securely held and in the photo, I look fine the way I'm holding her. I made it into my profile picture. She's so delightful!

There was another baby who was a newborn and wouldn't wake up despite her grandmother's insistence. With enough people telling her to smile in Mandarin made her cry. She wasn't as interesting. I hear babies become more interesting at about four months old.

There was a huge potluck with so much food! It was awesome! I got to bring some home and there's still leftovers at work! I'm covered for lunch today. But I have to figure out what I'll be doing for tmrw cuz I haven't been cooking. I've been meaning to sprout quinoa and make some of that. It'd be easy to accompany that with baked fish. But I really should use the poultry defrosting in my fridge and use up other produce I bought.

Speaking of things I should be doing, I have to clean my kitchen. The bottom shelf is super greasy and I've hesitated to put anything on it as a result. So everything is jam packed wrecklessly and piling over everything. It looks like a safety hassle just to go through it and it's discouraged me from even inventorying what I have. If I don't start inspecting it soon and using it up, it'll all go bad.

Tonight I'm going to happy hour to meet mingle with new people. There's a site where you can join groups and everyone just gathers. Everyone's faces and names are identified and it's located at a public restaurant in an area I'm familiar with. So I feel confident and secure in attending. It'll be fun to meet new people. I believe I'll have a good time.

I was just thinking that I'm going to make today a good day cuz yesterday didn't turn out to be fun the way I expected it to at all! :( This morning the bank teller was rude and she knew it! I'm not happy about this weather, and I really just wanna have a good time! Not shortly after I thought that did I come across this happy hour invite. Yay! I love moments like those!

I won't be attending yoga class and that's unfortunately especially since I finally found an instructor I really like who's teaching tonight, but I'm allowed some flexibility right? I really should practice the plank posture. I finally have the proper technique; I can tell cuz it engages all the right muscles since they're underdeveloped. But my posture becomes quickly compromised when I have to execute an actual movement. So I'd like to find out what kind of arm exercises would best strengthen them.

I have a pull-up bar my neighbor gave me, who by the way I ran into this weekend. He's moving to China. :( I'm going to miss him. I wish we would've developed more of a friendship. I guess I should just be grateful to have met such a genuine person. I'd rather not go into detail. The idea of elaborating reminds me of a chore, and that can't be conducive. Anyways back to my previous train of thought: I haven't used the pull-up bar. I don't have the arm strength and every time I use it, it ends up just hurting my shoulders. But I should start using it to tone my abs by holding the pull-up bar and lifting my legs up. That'd be a great workout! I've thought about it for some time but have procrastinated on doing anything about it.

I really want to keep this job, and my position here is more secure than not. I'm just making sure my actions demonstrate my presence to be a practical resoluion. I won't know of the outcome until mid-April but please send positive energy my way! :) Your efforts are appreciated.

I had to return my library books, which is unfortunate cuz I couldn't finish reading them but I keep thinking of what I read in my astrological assessment. "Having too many interests is as bad as having none." It's true cuz I had six books on me and I didn't read finish reading a single one. Right now I began reading Ayurvedic Cookbook and I'm a lot more drawn to that than any other book I borrowed. So I figure I should focus on that right now.

As for the books I returned, I jotted down each title and how many pages into it I'm at. I'm going to try something new and borrow just one book at a time. I may not always be interested in that one book and I may wish I had another book to fall back on, but so far the over abundance of books haven't been serving that purpose. I don't want a bunch of untapped energy within my space. If I'm really inclined to read something different, I have a generous collection of books at home I can reach for.

All this book talking is making me want to read. It's staring right at me, and I just realized that my phone buzzed a moment ago. Perhaps it's a text. Well goodbye for now!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Envision my Desire

Good morning! I feel much more lively today than I have the past couple of days. It's amazing when I pay attention how much my mood fluctuates because I don't usually inventory them. I'm good at compartamentalizing my feelings and am able to go about my day even if I'm not doing too well. I never really gave my feelings much attention until they start to take over and it becomes unbearable.

I've been enjoying this awawareness practice. I can't imagine doing it daily on a long-term basis, but I like this experience. It shows me how much I'm concealing from myself about me! It really opens up your eyes.

I feel more present in this moment. I'm becoming more receptive to change and comfortable with the idea that things are beyond my control. But I still experience moments of tension especially since as I become more open to it, I feel like changes occur more significantly even in its micro moments. I really want to keep this job. Not only cuz it's convenient and easy but because I finally feel like I can turn it into a productive opportunity. Everything feels like it could fall into place in a natural way I've never experienced before.

There aren't any discordants or inconsistencies I've often been exposed to in the past where I live further away from everything, the bus is being blocked off, my desire to go to work is severely severed, etc. It's easy to get to work. I began attending a yoga class nearby. Grocery shopping isn't out of the way. And I'm in a location that's convenient and conducive to my life and self-growth.

I felt like my job security has been bordering on the edge, but maybe it's not as compromised I fear i is. Either way, I still have my balance and placement. I feel like I'm at the mercy of other candidates, although I haven't been jeopardized much. This morning, however, a woman came in and she was professional, confident, articulate, likeable, and she didn't give off this feeling that appearing professional is a foreign practice. I suspected that her salary requirements may eliminate her as a candidate, and I'm hoping for myself that that's true. A co-worker of mine overheard the exact same thing I suspected. That puts me at ease not just cuz I feel better about my position but since I'm discovering that I can trust my intuition.

I'm going to do more than just say that I want to keep this job. I'm conscientiously telling myself that and matching my energy to reflect this desire. It enhances my alertness. I'll continue to do my job and I always try to be attentive, but I'm now also energetically matching that too cuz you can do something while your energy is being focused on something else. That's when you just go through the motions, and I feel like I might've been doing that here. That's not fair. I need to be more present. I'm much more on top of things, too. :)

There's an air of uncertainty I sense probably cuz the answer hasn't been revealed yet, but I feel like I'm at an advantage. I just have to continue to maintain this ground and deepen my position in this seat. :) I ask for the support and assistance from the universe to help me channel what I know I can do. Thank you!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Growth is Painful

Sometimes we desire things that aren't the most conducive, healthiest, or practical for us. It makes the most natural sense to eliminate it or focus on better things and yet separation from our desire, even the thought of it is painful. It makes growth painful. Why is that? Is there a part of us that enjoys or thrives from the pain? It doesn't seem right.

I'm used to emotionally not getting what I want. People think I usually get what I want, which is kinda funny when you think about it. I'm single. I live in a bachelor, a studio minus the kitchen. I have no car, no career, no relationship, and no family. Yet people think I usually get what I want. Those very people seem to not have a clue about what it is that I actually want. What do I want? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want a life that reflects adulthood - an apartment with a kitchen, maybe a car, and a career. A job that fulfills me. I want to have a boyfriend and not because I feel lonely and am tired of being alone but because I want to enter the next stage in my life. I've exhausted this single scene. I want to connect with someone beyond a platonic level. Too much of one thing for too long gets stagnant, and platonic is what I have too much of for too long.

So the truth is contrary to popular belief, I don't usually get what I want. Most of what I've listed, I don't have. Sadly I still become paralyzed by fear. I'm so terrified of it that I create all the psychological facades to conceal it. Walk tall, head high, smile, talk with my hands, firm voice... People prey on the weak; insecurity, doubt, and vulnerabilities are seen as weak. I don't want to be a target. It's sort of like smile through the bullshit. Maybe it's fake to smile when you're devastated, but I think it's better than moping around. By smiling, I put others at ease rather than being down. I'm also acting out my manifestations. Not to mention studies have shown that the mere act of smiling produces happy chemicals. Do I find that it helps? Honestly? No, but I also can't feel an improvement from doing breathing exercises. It doesn't mean it doesn't benefit my body. So might as well right?

As much as I'm not materialistic, I don't like feeling inadequate and not having a kitchen makes me feel inferior. This is a great demonstration for why comparisons are dangerous and frankly illogical. I make more meals in my kitchenless space than people with full fledged kitchens. I'm resourceful, diligent, and my passion permeates through my restrictions. I should be proud of it, but I just see it as a limitation and setback. Just cuz I can make something work and make the best of it doesn't mean I don't want more or wish I deserved better.

The truth is I don't think I'll like driving, but I wish I could make an informed decision. Not having a car or driver's license is so adolescent. And it reminds me of how denied I was in high school. I was in foster care and transferred to so many schools that I didn't accumulate enough credit for having not stayed at each school long enough. I had to prioritize classes required for graduation. Driver's ed wasn't one of them. I also couldn't even take my test cuz I got fined for riding the bus without paying. I know the rules, but I didn't have money. My social worker was late in sending me my bus pass. It is what it is. It barred me from taking the test. As an adult, no one seems interested in teaching an adult who doesn't know how to drive. They see how clumsy I am on foot and they refuse to teach me. I can't afford driving lessons. They're out of my budget. I'm not trying to make excuses; I'm just explaining. After all there's no excuse for someone nearing her 30's to complain about something teenagers can accomplish. But it doesn't change the fact that although I've gotten used to and generally don't mind public transportation that when I list off what makes me feel deprived, this comes to mind.

I want to evolve and move forward. I don't see that happening. The jobs I obtain are shortlived and are the same type of positions I could've and did obtain in high school. Not having a college education is an undeniable factor, but the truth is plenty of people without credentials can obtain jobs above entry level positions. I have the personality and implied intelligence to gain a higher level position, but I'm unable to retain it. Maybe it was all the drugs I did that's affected my memory, but things I should remember slip away. I try to do what I can to improve my memory. I do memory enhancing exercises, eat healthy foods, and write everything down. It just doesn't seem to be successful. The only thing I haven't been able to do is sleep. I try but I fail at it. I wouldn't be surprised if that's a factor.

As for school, it just didn't work. I mean I'd get life threatneing allergies, sun poison, or severe reaction to medications, etc. If you've endured reading everything so far, I commend you for your resilience. I know I sound like I'm making excuses and I'm helpless. I don't believe that. I'm just explaining the things I feel and my past experiences. I really believe that school wasn't meant for me, and that's why it kept getting sabotaged. Things just kept getting in the way in a severely debilitating way. I took pre-algebra three times and failed three times. I was sent to see if I have a math disorder and apparently I don't. I've tried a series of math tutors, but I can't pass the class. Do you have any idea how ashamed I am to admit this? I'm sure I sound delusion when I say that I'm actually considered highly intelligent. So it's even more depressing. I'm either tripping, in which class I'm stupid. Or I'm telling the truth and I still can't move forward. Either way, it sucks. Now I can't afford to go to school anyways. Nor do I have a desire to.

I'm severely underdeveloped in the relationship department. I was a late bloomer, and I had my first real boyfriend as an adult. I don't think having a "boyfriend" for less than a month in school cuz we're such good friends and should try it out counts. We either just hung out as friends or bordered on avoiding each other cuz we didn't want to be affectionate. Those really don't count. The exact two experiences.

Everyone thought I loved my first boyfriend, but I didn't. Not really. I didn't know how. When people weren't around, I didn't miss them. That's how emotionally detached I was. I hate saying that I didn't know I wasn't into him considering how long I've been with him cuz it makes me such a bitch! And it makes me sound like a liar, but there's truth to it. The feelings that should've been there weren't, but I never felt the feelings that should've been there. Not then at least.

Since then I've developed deep feelings for some guys, but nothing ever really came of those relationships. And I may have at one point thought I wanted a relationship with them, but a part of me always knew why I didn't want that or why it wouldn't work. I'm now nearing my thirties and most of my friends are guys. They're platonic friendships. True story. And I'm not conceited when I say that I'm attractive. Modeling agencies have approached me, but I'm not the intimidating attractive either. I've done party promos and bartended. Guys who initially come around to try and get into my pants spend the entire night pining over their exes and not in the way to score with me. They simultaneously call their gfs while talking to me. My friends have made bets to see how long it takes a guy checking me out to get platonic. I used to go clubbing and encourage bets to make money for fucking crying out loud! I've stayed over at friend's friends places knowing the guy had the intention to sleep with cuz I knew the feelings would defuse. He'd talk about how much he misses his ex, get so depressed, and leave to fuck a booty call... it's really, REALLY difficult for me to develop relationships.

I'm the only female friend guys have when they don't have platonic friendships. Apparently I've taught them the value of opposite sex friendships. I'm glad I can open peoples' mind but my platonic energy is such an overwhelming presence that I feel like it debilitates me in the romantic department. And I'm incredibly picky. I've only liked four guys EVER. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. And when guys I'm not interested in try to kiss me or get affectionate with me outside of a hug, I can incredibly uncomfortable. I mean it makes me want to vomit uncomfortable. So I go years and years and years without having sex and suffering cuz I don't want to experience flu-like symptoms. It's depressing.

I want to have that deep connection with someone. I was asked what my sex fantasy was not too long ago and I realized I want to have sex with my boyfriend. That's what I want. I haven't even come close. Not only have I not found anyone but no one seems to want to offer that to me. I want to go deeper in the relationship I have with people than the ones I've experienced most of my life. I want a relationship.

I'm not sure where I was going with this entry originally, but I'm deeply rooted in what I can best describe as depression without the emotional flair. It's like a boring, mundane kind of indifference and low energy.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

My Writing Identity/Mood/Personality

Being a writer is an innate part of me. So I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I have writing moods and even a writing personality that identifies me uniquely. I've tried my best to maintain daily entries. Even if I don't feel particularly profound, I think the habit is good for me. If I wait until I have something to say, there's quite a bit I could be denying myself as some of my work and its potential isn't revealed until after it's completed. Plus who said writing daily will prevent me from deeper works? I'm now summarizing a previous entry...

My point is I try to write early in the day before I have experiences that may inspire me. So sometimes midday I want additional stuff I want to write about. I like this method because if I wait until something captivates me, I may find nothing to write about. So I've at least completed my goal this way. Quite a bit has happened that I wanted to jot down but you know how ideas slip through me from time to time. You'll have to forgive my amnesia. I did have a couple things I wanted to express, but I find myself unmotivated to put it into words. So instead I think I'll just meditate on it. Til next time...

My Daily Deed

It's warmer today than it has been in a couple of days, which I'm personally grateful for. I've been living off of TV dinners for lunches for over a week now. I must say that it must be suppressing my appetite cuz I don't find myself craving food as much anymore, probably because I know what I'd be eating. I go to work everyday, I eat lunch everyday, and I blog everyday or at least 5 days a week which is like everyday. I figure I should make use of my time by planning better meals. When I go grocery shopping, I should buy the following:

1) Whole Wheat Bread
2) Deli Meat
3) Hummus Spread
4) Tomatoes
5) Avocados
6) Baby Carrots

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Happy Spring!

Today is the first day of spring! I went to yoga class last night and arrived much earlier than anticipated, but it gave me an opportunity to read. That's something I've neglected, so I'm grateful for the time that opened up to me. It's been startlingly cold, but it got a little less intense on the freeze factor, so I could read outside. I went home sleepy and went straight to bed.

I woke up this morning to cook myself sauteed shrimp with ginger, garlic, lemon pepper, and red pepper flakes. Yum! I feel like I prepared for spring properly last night and the effects carried over this morning. I just realized that I began monitoring my mood to see if it relates to the moon cycles, but I haven't been doing it daily as I told myself I would. I guess I'll start on that after this entry...

The company I work for is interviewing candidates for my position. If an appropriate replacement isn't found, this job is mine. Sometimes I find myself vulnerable to insecurity, but I'm handling it surprisingly well because I'm really starting to believe that if this doesn't work out, a different opportunity will present itself. it's comforting to believe that it won't just end in despair and failure as if it's the end of the world. It never was but I have this auto-reflex thought trigger. I'm guarding myself against it.

It's been helpful that the candidates don't seem like a threat to me. Some of them haven't sounded very professional over the phone or come off a little offputting and needy right off the bat. Quite a bit of them have arrived in professional attire that doesn't fit their body well. You could tell they're desperate to make an impression that they're following the rule, rather than trying to be comfortable and naturally make a positive impression. For me it's evident how uncomfortable their attire is making them. I understand it's a job interview, so you want to appear professional, but that's a short-sighted, incomplete mentality.

There's more to it. You figure this is your potential employer. You want to be able to get along with these people. You don't want to present yourself one-dimensionally as a professionally operating machine. You have to present yourself in a pleasant way where they'd like to see you on a daily basis and believe that their clients will share that same experience. That stiffness in attitude they arrive with isn't doing them any favors. That's not to say that they can't do their job well, but these are just my thoughts.

One candidate appeared to have potential and one caller sounded very professional and impressionable. She might jeopardize my job security here. I wish this weren't the case. I'm glad I'm growing and I don't resort to a panic state of shock. But it's nice to have stability. I made friends here. I have access to internet and the freedom to use it. I can write. I can read. I have access to food and can eat at my desk. My job isn't at risk if I use the bathroom on an hourly basis cuz no one else can take over. I'm right by the yoga studio... I'm just saying...

Of course I'd be looking at a salary reduction cuz if I were to get hired, it wouldn't be through the agency that's employing me currently. That means I can't upgrade to a better apartment. That drawback made me strongly consider if I actually want this position because I feel stagnant. But this would be a great opportunity to study to become a Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach! Not to mention my astrological chart said I'd come across lucrative news in April. That's when I learn whether my job is secure or not! Then again it could mean a different lucrative position.

I'm not sure if I should be looking at other options or not. I know that statement sounds incredibly naive. Of course I should be, but it's not like I can attend of the interviews or that I should, I mean. Usually I find myself paralyzed by uncertainty, but this time my decision feels right. We'll see what happens.

My co-worker gave me candy in a pretty box. I love that!

A lot of small and random things have happened and as they occur, I think about how I'd like to blog about it. And yet when I'm sitting in front of the computer screen, my mind goes bank. LOL Oh yeah! I'm going to see a massage therapist this weekend cuz she's offering discounts for this month and is known to be phenomonal. I used to believe that massages were overpriced indulgences. But after experiencing a well-trained massage therapist, I've discovered that it can be medically beneficial. As someone who tenses easily and has a lot of knots, I find them to be immensely helpful. I find my body feeling lighter, I move more freely, and I get more range of motion. Since I'm naturally so incredibly flexible, I never realized how stiff the stress was making me.

I cancelled a facial to save money in case this job doesn't last. I find myself doing stuff like that and then I wait FOREVER to purchase anything. It's kinda sad, but it's also wise. With the massage it's different, though. There's a special going on and I really want to take advantage of it. I'm really looking forward to it.

Hopefully this job will be mine permanently. Then I plan to treat myself to a facial, cardio ballet classes, gemstones to fill my sink with, and a few other things. Well I think I'm finished blabbing for now.

Monday, March 19, 2012

A Lil About Me Feature of the Month

1. When I was younger, I wanted to grow up to be Kristi Yamaguchi. I thouht she was so beautiful, talented, and the most graceful figure skater. She was always smiling and looked so happy and free. I envied and desired that desperately. But as it turns out, I couldn't even stand on ice without keeping from falling. Forget about moving forward! But last year for the first time in my life, I was able to ice skate. I needed a friend's help. But at the end, I skated off without anyone's help. Of course that was a considerably short range and nonetheless a HUGE deal for me. Not only because I accomplished something I've struggled with my entire life but cuz I've had friends who are professional figure skaters and several of their trainers have failed to teach me how to skate. Yipee!

2. If I had money I can afford to spend or felt comfortable spending, I'd treat myself to a facial cuz my skin can use the maintenance. For a similar reason, I'd want to indulge in a massage to both relax and restore balance and health to my body. Being such a tense person, I'm sure I could use the pampering. It's more than just a treat; it's good for my health. I'm already incredibly limber but with the right massage, I find myself far more limber, lighter, and have a much wider range of movement. I'd also get my aura reading done and see a psychic. I also want to treat myself to sexy but tasteful lingerie. I'd like to expand my art collection, as well.

3. I have rocks sitting on top of my drain in my bathroom sink. It's considered good feng shui cuz it allows the energy to travel slowly, rather than just flush and race down the drain. Plus I like surrounding my home with earthly elements. Or rather elements that symbolize the earth, water, fire, and air. But I've had the same rocks for a while now. Instead of replacing them with new rocks, I'd like to fill that space with polished gemstones.

4. I'm grateful that I joined a yoga membership. But now I'm also interested in exploring cardio ballet.

5. I began art journaling and I enjoy it.

6. I had a recent epiphany that I'd very much be interested in becoming a Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach. I'm already considerably familiar with holistic nutrition, cooking, and creating menus for specialized diets from my previous catering experience. I require less time in school than becoming a nutritionist which means less tuition fees and I can start earning money sooner. I'm really curious to see where this takes me.

7. Maybe this is nothing to write home about, but I'm really interested in making chili in the slow cooker! :D

8. I like hanging out at eclectic coffee lounges with comfy couches and an infusion of various design themes and decorating styles that display local artists' works.

9. I was born left-handed but switched at birth.

10. If I could have any super powers, it'd be the ability to manifest food at will. Undeniably I'm indulging the piggy in me, but it's so much more than accessible gluttony. It's a financially beneficial power to have. By saving money on food, I can invest my money towards lucrative opportunities I wouldn't otherwise have. I can also help starving people all over the world. If I can manifest food at will, I can manifest food in any location of my desire; I can manifest food of superior quality and nourishment.

I Live Life With no Purpose

The original title for this entry was going to be something like "Why I'm Not That Daughter." But that title carries an essence of resentment I don't want to give power to, and although it's my life, there'd be more attention on my dad which I find inappropriate. This isn't about the adolescent rebellion in me trying to indulge cuz I'm embracing what I grew up to believe is unwise. I don't want to be one-sided and perhaps this is unwise. The truth of the matter is this, whatever THIS is is what it is. No amount of defending it and putting energy into trying to make it acceptable for someone who'll never support it is only exhausting me. I'll be much happier and connect with my inner sense if I focus on listening to my inner voice rather than the voices of others who are so contrastingly different from me that they'd never understand.

I had my astrological chart done for my birthday this year, and one thing it revealed was "I live life with no purpose." But it didn't mean that I live my life aimlessly and without fulfillment. In fact, there was a lot of detail on how I'd help others but how I earned my right to earn money in this lifetime cuz I did a lot of charity work in my previous life. That gave me a sense of comfort cuz I've explored the idea of a nonprofit, but the more I learn about myself, the more I realize how beneficial it'd be to society. There's not much focus on my desire. I just have abilities. I don't want to feel guilty for not helping people when I can, but I want to make money cuz I'd like to do things that require money such as traveling. By accepting that truth, I've come across the idea of becoming a Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach which will hopefully be a lucrative opportunity and I know I'll help people, too! :)

I want to live a life where I fulfill a purpose, but I want to be open and receptive to what that purpose is as things in this universe fluctuates which means set goals can limit me. My father's very conventional and traditional. He spams me regularly with emails about the dangers of not saving for my future and the downfall of the economy. He wants me to obtain a secure job in the corporate world where I'll have a 401k and full health benefits even if it means wasting away at a supermarket where I'm union. That's definitely not for me.

The freelance life I have can be frightening for some people, and not too long ago, just the mere idea of it would've driven me into an episode of panic attacks. Of course there are risks and drawbacks. There's not much room for fallbacks. if I get hospitalized, I'm screwed. If my source of income dries up, I don't have savings to bounce back on. These realities are far from appealing, but I realized that I'd much rather live a life that I look forward to actually living, rather than feeling like I'm wasting away by being "smart" because in that state, if I got sick, I probably wouldn't care. I want to live the kind of life where if my health is jeopardized, I'd be sad about it. Not indifferent cuz life isn't so great to begin with.

Friday, March 16, 2012

TGIF Baby!

Hello, I'm sorry for my absence yesterday. Now that I think of it, I could've accessed a computer and blogged, but I didn't. Yesterday is over anyways. I'd rather focus on the present and prepare for the future.

Although I get inspired easily, Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach still has the most appeal to me. The idea of taking that path makes me more interested in learning more about nutrition, something I already do anyways but without the direction, I found myself less than motivated. Hopefully this is the answer I've been looking for.

I've been drawn to aura readings, psychic readings, and learning more about chakras cuz I clearly want to find balance, self-empowerment, and spiritual clarity. I believe those things can help me, but it's unwise to shell out money for this pricey methods when I should be able to discover the truth on my own. Once I'm finally able, then I can revisit these expenses.

Even though my title says TGIF, I don't always look forward to Fridays cuz my schedule is dead open over the weekend and it gets boring. I find myself being unproductive and next thing you know I waste another weekend. I really want to go to the 99 cent store and buy some food AND SPONGES!!!! It's ridiculous how many times I've gone and forgotten to get them. I don't want to stand in a long line over cheap sponges, but I want to remember this weekend! I also want to get groceries including quinoa!!! I'm so excited to discover that I could make them in my rice cooker. I hope it works well cuz I've been craving some desperately!

Hopefully I can hang out with one friend over the weekend. He made a pasta dish I'm really fond of and I want to get him the ingredients to make for me. It's sooooo yummy! I also want to buy ingredients for a chili recipe I can make in the slow cooker. Yum yum yum!!!! A co-worker of mine said the next time she goes to Costco that she'll buy me a pack of multi-colored lentils. They seem like a bargain. Once I get that, I plan to make a recipe she shared with me.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been planning to go to Michael's to get crafts with the 40% coupon. They only last one week. Since my Friday's are open and it's probably best to have an incentive to be motivated, perhaps I should go to Michael's after work tonight. That way I won't go out, be out all night, be dead tired the next day, and lose an entire day. This could work actually.

I really should make shrimp since I bought some, too. Oh and I have to throw out the food in the slow cooker cuz it's been sitting out too long. Too bad cuz I bet the food would be delicious! Oh well...I'm just really looking forward to the chili. I have been for a while, so I MUST buy the ingredients very, very soon! I'd love to enjoy it over the weekend and maybe I can share it with some friends, too! :)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Don't Do Things for the End Result or Projected Goal(s)

Note to self: Don't do things for the end result or the project goal(s). That advice is by no means meant to be generalized. It's a personalized advice that suits me at this moment in time because of where I am in my life and who I am right now. We're all so different and unique. We have different strengths and weaknesses that create imbalances. How we go about restoring and maintaining balance is as unique as we are. For me I have to focus on allowing experiences to form organically, to see where it leads me, to allow the universe to guide me, to trust what's out there even when I can't calculate the risks according to my comfort zone, and just explore with no judgments, hesitations, or self-barriers.

That's difficult but not impossible and a necessity for me if I'm ever to experience life in the exhilarating way I believe it should be. I used to lead a painful, dramatic, and chaotic life beyond my control. So when I was able to make my own choices, I became rigid, precise, and congruency became my companion. I wanted things to be neat, orderly, and organized. Although I didn't feel successful or accomplished, I felt relief that I didn't share the destitute fate most foster youths meet. Someone from my high school who had a similar situation as me is now rotting in jail for a couple decades cuz of her involvement in manslaughter.

This is a classic example of why comparison is dangerous and pointless. Just cuz I'm not where she is in her life doesn't mean I've made by any means or measure. Extremes on either end is am imbalance, and that's dangerous, too. My perception was so distorted that I didn't know I was on the deep end. I was emotionally-detached, but it felt normal for me. It's not like I could compare it to an emotional state of mind or experience I never had to know what's a healthy amount of emotion for a person to feel.

As I became more emotional, I reacted negatively cuz of my experiences. Rather than being open, I was hesitant and overwhelmed. As I try to find my balance the best I could, I mistakenly believed I should allow myself to be emotional and incorporate that organization back into my life. I was still trying to organize everything. I just now included emotions. Life doesn't work that way. Now I know...

But before I figured this out, I still created paths to follow with the intent to reach a certain goal which means I made decisions before I experienced anything. So if I told myself that I'd enter this educational path to obtain this result, that's what I set myself out to do. I allowed myself to feel but ignored them when I considered them to be inconvenient. Like when I realized school wasn't for me, I pushed those thoughts as deep down into my mind as it allowed me bury them.

Now I pay attention to these feelings and re-assess my decision as they come along. It may be a nuisance at times, but at least I'm being honest and real with myself. I'm honest, direct, and genuine with others most of the time. I should give myself the same courtesy. What this experience has made me realize is I shouldn't attach myself to a goal cuz then that's what I end up focusing on. I'm now allowing myself to gravitate towards what interests me. If it captures my attention enough, I explore. It's a learning experience and exactly the way it should be.

Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach???

Fluctuate freely. A friend of mine sent those words to me recently in an email and it filled me with a sense of warm comfort and quiet relief. He isn't one of those people who don't have goals in life or a career path, either. He's just receptive to change and what the universe offers as it comes along, unpredictably, fluctuatingly, and everything in between. I need to remind myself of this cuz a small part of me is hesitating to get excited about this since I have a habit of becoming a hostage to inspiration only to release myself, unmoved not long after.

I have a long list of great ideas that others could truly manifest and maybe if I were a Type A personality I'd be able to do it, but I don't have the drive. I'm selective in what I want and do put my energy into. I gravitate towards writing, food, nutrition, and holistic health. A Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach can be the answer I'm looking for.

It fits my interest and timeline. I can be a stellar student, but I tend to start strong. I do best in short-term consolidated classes where people burn out, rather than a lengthier schedule. Plus tuition is expensive. The longer I'm in class, the more it's costing me. Not to mention that that's time I'm not earning money, and I still have expenses.

And the unfortunate truth of the matter is I'm terrible at math in a debilitating sort of way, educationally speaking. Don't get me wrong; I can do basic calculations in my head or by hand. But I can't even pass a stupid pre-algebra class. We're talking pre-requisites! The only reason why I graduated middle school is cuz I was advanced into geometry and trigonometry which I excelled in. I know that sounds cooky but my principal clarified it for me. Algebra is technically easier, but it's also more abstract whereas the more advanced math is more formulaic. That made it easier for me to understand. However in college you have to pass the pre-requisites which I haven't been able to do. I've been referred by multiple math professors to get tested if I have a math disorder. I don't.... But there's some question about why I'm not performing well cuz I demonstrate comprehension by explaining it back. Regardless of the uncovered mystery that's causing this, I no longer want this to be a reason why I can't find a career.

I have a friend who's intuition I've learned to trust and he's told me on a number of occasions that I should do something with nutrition and holistic health. It's not that I disagreed with him, but educationally it didn't seem feasible until now. I have other career ambitions that relate to this and can potentially expand further! I'm no longer considered with the end result cuz that's undetermined. I don't want the unknown future to discourage me off this path.

Fluctuate Freely...

Pomegranate corn. Izzy. Harry Stamper. Mom. The pain on my left side I'm too afraid to see the doctor about. Relief. The one bedroom apt I'm not really desiring but think of cuz I desire a different environment. To separate myself and take myself out of this stagnation my apartment fills me with. The desire for an actual kitchen fades as I realize I cook more in my non-kitchen than others who have actual kitchens. The pain in my side still burns. Be receptive. The gnawing hunger in my stomach settles in deeper. My skirt keeps shifting. Gotta go to the bank. Raspberry Surprise, awesome title. She's going to Reno. Good for her. He's not going. I think he's made the right choice. I'm relieved but shocked by his reaction. How was I supposed to know he didn't want to share details of his future with me? Sounds naive as I type it out but he used to be open about those things. Things change. And I caused it. But a girl should be told. How am I supposed to know? Sometimes packaging has more appeal than substance ie eos lip balm. A circular lip balm. Substance > Outer Shell. Remember. Celestial experiences. Was never with him but him. Pomegranate corn. Izzy. March and April Cycle. Hiking during a full moon. Paradox of Choice. Stay here. Cruise somewhere else. Commercial print. Bartending... Nutrition Coach? What kind of schooling? Focus. Focus. Focus. Where did it go? Must go to the bank. Remember. Stay here really means stay here. Same apartment, same crap... Need change. No, change isn't necessary. Not unlike water and oxygen. But change is like art, adds a breath of life to existence. Art journaling. Neglected. Colors bleed onto pages. Uniformity, consistency, and control is abandoned. Much like life. Life fills me with boredom. Looking for that oomph. Speaking of oomph...girl's got needs. Decisions, decisions about the future. Health and life is so fragile. Harry Stamper. Raspberry Surprise. Pomegranate corn. Izzy. Fluctuate freely. Lamb dinner. Celestial experiences. Picnic dates. Psychic connections. The pain on my side. Persistent.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I Have to Find MY Shoe Size

The more I try to fit into a world I don't belong in, the more I'll be lost and unsettled. I may not look forward to the seemingly endless search and what a relief it'd be to have found the end, but no amount of desire will make something into something it isn't. Substitutions don't work. I don't belong here. And I want to belong. So I have to find a place where I will...Sigh

How My Unique Experience Influenced Me Regarding This...

For all those born in 70's & 80's!

We are the last generation that learnt to play in the street, we are the first who've played video games, see cartoons in color and went to amusement parks. We were the last to record songs of the radio on cassettes and we are the pioneers of walkmans and chatrooms...We learned how to program the VCR before anyone else, play with the Atari, Super......Nintendo and believed that the Internet would be a free world all on a 56kbit modem. Traveled in cars without seat belts or air-bags & lived without cell phones. Rode our bicycles down the road without brakes. We never had phones but still kept in touch. We did not have play stations, 99 television stations, flat screens, surround sound, mp3s, iPods, computers and broadband...but nevertheless we had a GREAT time

This is a post circulating on fb. I fit this time line, but I didn't have these experiences. I never got to play on the streets, play video games, or watch cartoons. I might've recorded songs onto cassettes, but I've had like zero music exposure which is tragic considering how many CD's my mom had. I was never on chatrooms. IM was something I discovered as an adult. Never tinkered with the VCR. I feel like I'm going to cause an uproar by revealing that I have no idea what Atari is. Never played Super.....Nintendo. Much like chatrooms, internet came into my life when I became an adult. I certainly lived without cell phones and continued to long after everyone else became glued to it. I would've continued to if it weren't for the fact that I lived by myself, and it just didn't seem wise. I still don't find it necessary the way others are conditioned to believe. So I can safely say that as the above states - I didn't have play stations, 99 television stations, flat screens, surround sound, mp3s, iPods, computers, and broadband. I wish I could say I had a good time, but I started enjoying life during the mature phase of adulthood. Better late than never right?

I'm not happy with my childhood by any means, but I'm happy with the person I've become and I can honestly say my upbringing was a HUGE influence. I've spent so much time saying that I'm proud of who I've become which really just means I'm glad I didn't turn out the way so many people suspected I would, the way people who've had my upbringing turn out. Who I am is a huge testament to my strong identity and natural resilience. I'm proud of that, honestly. But I can't say I wish I didn't have a different childhood cuz I feel incredibly deprived and not just cuz I didn't experience these superficial things. This is just a reminder is all.

I have co-workers who tell me that they don't let their children watch TV at all. I can understand a parent's hesitation to expose their young ones to what the media wrecklessly dishes out, and obviously some filtration should take place. But complete shelter or denial or any kind of exposure to their own culture, I believe has its own damages. I nearly failed an English class cuz I didn't know Care Bears was a TV show. This obviously isn't detrimental, but without careful and selective limitation, it's essentially a misguided form of enstilling ignorance. That's no good, either. I get that not every parent has the time to scrupulously make selections, but I think it's important to realize there's danger in total oblivion, too. That's what my experience has taught me. Of course I'm not saying if you grew up in the ghetto that you should be exposed to what's offered on the streets, but indiscriminate shielding is a form of creating ignorance.

Not that I think children never watch TV cuz their parents don't allow it. They're bound to see it somewhere else. That's inevitable. But I don't think it should be a shock. Granted people shouldn't become numb to the violence and see it as the norm, either, which we risk being conditioned into believing through exposure. But some TV is good. Life has both good and bad. We can't or shouldn't cover up the bad by covering everything up. That's just how I feel.

A Series of Unspoken Epiphanies

Good morning! I've had a series of unspoken epiphanies as revealed in my title. I came to a realization about someone after a reaction so telling and undeniable that I can no longer turn the other cheek. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. If anything, this now gives me the peace of mind I need to eliminate someone out of my life who's unhealthy. I've been so good about attracting positive and healthy people, I suppose this curve ball masquerading as something else is inevitable. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is and I can no longer pretend otherwise.

Sometimes I know something from the beginning but I have to let things fall apart before I can walk away cuz I don't want to feel torn. People may not deserve my care and concern, but I don't do it for them. I have those feelings cuz I'm human, it's who I am, and that's how I feel. Call me selfish over it if that's how you feel, but I'm tired of feeling guilty for who I am cuz there's nothing wrong with it especially when I'm being honest and I'm NOT artificially selfless and considerate. It is what it is.

I'm at a halfway point at work. I don't have the energy or desire to elaborate right now, but not everything is what it appears to be. I guess I was yet again naive for believing otherwise cuz deception lurks everywhere cuz it's a trait innate in humans. But it's not all bad. I may still choose to stay. My position here will be determined by those making the decision, but I'm receptive to what happens which is slightly startling.

With my current salary, I thought I'd be able to move into a better apartment which I do believe I deserve. After all I'm stagnant from being in the same place too long where I'm opting out of proposing a lease extension cuz my landlord is known to make sexual advances. Just cuz I CAN sue someone doesn't mean I want to. I don't want to put that kind of effort or introduce that kind of energy into my life. The whole I'm lucky to not have roaches cuz of my apartment placement is getting old.

It would be nice to have my own place with a kitchen cuz I deserve it. But recently as the idea of having a kitchen seemed more plausible, a voice in my head reminded me that I don't NEED one as if to tell me by thinking I deserve one, I'm crippling my mentality that I NEED one and I really don't. I cook more without a kitchen than others who have a full kitchen. I can't say if it doesn't work out that I won't be disappointed, but that's a good thing cuz it means I've had something good going on in my life.

Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people who can afford to have a one bedroom on my own with a car and pay for the insurance the way most people who live here do. But that would be a mundane life, and the more I learn about myself, the more I realize, I'm not meant for that kind of life. Still, the stability must be nice... I feel like the universe dictates what's best for me and makes decisions without my consent or input, and that sucks cuz it's my life that's being tossed around. I wish when things appear stable and possible that it'll stay down that road, rather than a road block, unexpected detours, and what not, but no amount of wishing will change my life. The best I can do is make the best of things.

I've recently discovered that even if I'm offered this job long term, it wouldn't be through the employment agency. So I'll be looking at a salary reduction. I don't want a job that'll sustain my current situation cuz I want to flow, remove the stagnation, either move forward or experience something new. Not guarantee or solidify my current placement. But I'm not sure how to proceed otherwise.

I learned that I can work on a cruise with my living expenses covered as far as rent and food goes. It'll give me an opportunity to travel. I would've never been open to something like this before when I was attached to my "things." Now I'm different. The past few years of my life has "trained" and changed me to become the very type of person who can just go and leave. If not now, when? I'm starting to feel like I have less reasons to be here. And the world is so huge! It's a safe way to travel, too. Much better than doing it solo. Maybe if I were a big guy. Not me, though. That wouldn't be smart.

Maybe I'm not engrossed in an inspired and passionate state of mind cuz that distracts me from being receptive and open. Maybe the fact that I'm not hooked to something is a good thing...

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Start of a New Beginning? :)

My Saturday was filled with activities I've been wanting to do for quite some time. I had my first sewing lesson with a friend of mine. We found a groupon discount. I'm glad it was half off cuz it was definitely informative, and I doubt I would've understood the machine without that class. I just don't have the attention span with youtube and if I did by some miracle grasp it, it would've taken me forever!!!

At least now I'm armored with the knowledge to get started. In all honestly, I'm not sure if I'm willing to invest in a sewing machine yet but I've started on a task I've been telling myself I want to learn for years now. That's huge! As for the actual class.....It was definitely informative, but it's crazy to imagine that most people pay $60 for ONE lesson to learn how to thread, lear the settings, and be given a basic tutorial about fabrics. Half of which I could've gotten online and understood. If I knew someone with a sewing machine, I could've saved myself the trouble. Although that's exactly the kind of thinking that's made me procrastinate for so long. I certainly don't regret the $30 spent, just a little disappointed about what I got out of it. Fortunately I'm in the minority.

Interestingly enough this past week, I've been feeling constructively critical reviewing experiences I've had with aestheticians and the sorts in my head. With that mentality in mind, I'm not sure I experienced the full satisfaction others have experienced. The only negative reviews were regarding scheduling, which was an unnecessary nightmare thankfully for my friend (not me) cuz she was the one scheduling. The day and date didn't match, then only one of us got scheduled until it corrected, and there was a whole phone tag issue going on in the process.

As for the actual sewing class, it wasn't bad. I guess I just expected more. We didn't make totes the way I was led to believe we would. We went over by twenty minutes and we weren't even finished with the class, so I can't help but feel like we were stiffed. It makes me wonder if I want to take another class with her. She's definitely a clear communicator, articulate, receptive, attentive, helpful, and makes the class fun. But if we go over time, will we be denied a portion of our lesson? Organization isn't her strong suit, but it's hardly debilitating when it coems to the quality of teaching. I just tend to over think things.

I was a little disappointed that I didn't have the best technique, which, of course, is understandable since it's the first time I've even touched a sewing machine, but my friend was doing much better. I'm not saying I can't improve, but this will require more focus and discipline. It's certainly not a natural talent I possess. The instructor said it's the mind of the engineer that excels the most in this class. Do I have the mind of an engineer? I'm not certain. My ex mentioned I had some mentality but had difficulty executing it. He was surprised by my promise but inability to bring it out. Was it engineering? If so, maybe sewing can be the tool I need to do just that - bring it out. That'd be nice.

I'm so small and my frame is so unique. I'm short but I have a long midriff the way a tall person would. I also have long legs for a short person. I have the leg length of someone who's 5'5" and I'm only 5'2"... I'm so small that most companies don't accommodate my size. I can't wait until sale prices come around when the few stores that carry my size has my size in stock. Their protocol is to only order 3, one of them is always on display and sometimes if it doesn't sell, it's cheaper to return the products to the manufacturer. So I have to grab it ASAP! After spending years wearing clothes that don't flatter my figure, I now have a clear understanding of what's best for my body. But it's so difficult to find those styles cuz it's not a demanding size, style, or fit! Sewing would be the perfect solution! Not to mention there are a ton of crafts I want to do that I'm unable to do cuz I don't know how to sew! It's ridiculous!

As for the tote, I went to this website and read that a tote bag is created in this class. So I'm disappointed cuz we didn't have enough time for that. As I've already mentioned, the instructor is an excellent teacher. However if specific things are meant to be covered in the class, I feel it should be. If we go over our time, I find it unfair that we were unable to complete the full course and feel that it should've still been offered to us. After all how the class is organized and time management is the responsibility of the instructor. Being polite doesn't change that. I wasn't going to be a bitch and demand that we learn a tote, but I feel that we go the short end of the stick cuz think about the world of difference it would've made had we have been able to do that. We would've learned so much more, had way more practice, and be more confident in our abilities as a result!

Yes, I'm being critical and I know this to be especially true since everyone raves about her on yelp, but that doesn't change my point. This experience won't stop me from recommending people, but I might search a little more for a different instructor, rather than going straight back to her without hesitation, which I would've done if we had gotten a chance to do our tote. It's experiences like these that remind me of where I'm from cuz where I grew up, there's a standard for EXACTLY what gets covered. We don't even have to demand it. My how different things operate at different places. And maybe that's just it. My critical side is resurfacing cuz my standards are returning, rather than the tolerance I've built over the years.

You'll see another example of my standards as I proceed to discuss my yoga experience. I joined a yoga membership cuz I'm able to get the first month free. However I still pay for a month. It's like I'm paying last month's fee, and it's unlimited classes for less than $100. That's very affordable. To tell you to the truth, the petty jealous side of me finds it unfair that I haven't been able to score those $35 unlimited yoga for a month specials. I always seem to miss them. Sigh...but waiting around til a good deal comes by is no deal cuz my health is important. So I bit the bullet and joined a yoga membership.

I guess it's to be expected that when you join without testing out the instructors, you may be in for a surprise. But the cost of testing out the instructors would've been more or as expensive as a full month. Besides I wanted to get the free month. That's how they hook you! They also gave me a $25 credit, so I purchased an Ayurveda Cookbook which I appreciate. It has a generous selection of recipes, but it also thoroughly covers Ayurvedic health. The balance between both information and in such detail is promising.

As for the yoga instructor...that's a different story. I took a level 1/2 class which I was suggested given my exposure. I've taken a few kundalini classes and a couple other ones at Fitness 24. I don't remember the name, but I indicated that they focused on alignment, postures, and flexibility. The class I took is considered to be more cardio intensive, and I was informed of that. I guess with level 2 students being in the class, I can't be too surprised by the advancement. But I find the recommendation to be inappropriate and unwise.

I had assumed the instructor would be doing the poses with us, so I positioned myself in the front of the class and was asked to move to the back so I can follow people. I'm glad the instructor recognized that I was new and gave me that recommendation, though. What I didn't like was that the poses were instructed with details on what exactly we should be doing. Perhaps that's acceptable for a level 2 class, but I don't think it's safe in a level 1 class which I feel should be taken into account.

Now to be fair, this class may have the same set of students in which case it could be appropriate to go with this speed EXCEPT there was someone next to me who wasn't even posing on the correct leg! Someone all the way in the front was horribly imbalanced and unable to do the eagle pose. That's a difficult pose! As I observed others in the room, I noticed that not everyone's arms were lengthened the same, hands were either open or closed, posture was off, and there was such a variety in technique. I believe if the class were taught properly, there would be more congruency cuz yoga should be done correctly, not according to each person's preference! Furthermore, the instructor was playing the drums in class which may seem like a good idea again in theory, but that made the instructor unavailable to correct anyone. That's probably why there were so many apparent mistakes.

I'm not saying a yoga class taught by an instructor playing the drums in it of itself is a bad idea, BUT if that's going to be done, it should be done with a scrupulous eye and better judgment ie a class filled with qualified students who don't require alignment correction, repositioning, etc. It was apparent that there were students who didn't belong in that class who were there. It may not sound fun to exclude people, but I think that's the responsibility of competent yoga instructors. I believe either be there to assist your students who clearly need it or limit drumming to a class where students don't require more explicit instructions. At the end of class I asked the instructor how I did and he said I did fine. He walked by people around me and corrected them (although not thoroughly enough since I'm observing all this), but he never corrected me. He said he thought I did fine.

I've done ballet for years, so technique has always been a priority for me. Even if I could do something well, I understood the technique and would rather do the little I can do rather than a sloppy performance. So I'm not surprised by the instructor's assessment, but either way it isn't good. Either I'm the self-righteous newb running her mouth about something I don't understand as I make mistakes or I'm right. Neither sound good. More focus and priority should be directed to the students and less activities that take away from that ie drumming or more appropriate placement. One or the other... However I do like that I began a journey pursuing two interests I've had for a while now.

Friday, March 9, 2012

The Practice of Being Receptive

Isn't it amazing how a mere observation can transform into a series of interconnectedness or a spiraling effect of ideas? I can't even remember what triggered this an abstract epiphany for me last night,but I became incredibly perceptive to the energy around me. With the full moon, my senses are heightened or at least I believe that's what it was.

Interestly enough, I've always been mildly curious about how the moon cycle effects people. I've wanted to buy a planner that monitors the moon phases for a couple years already, but I never got around to it. A friend of mine is really attuned with the full moon. Since I've become more emotional and intuitive, I find myself having more intense experiences on some days. I've never monitored it in conjunction the moon, but I wouldn't be surprised if a correlation exists. I think I'll start recording my emotional state of mind without observing the moon. Then I'll go back and check how they align. I had an ex who observed that my leg cramps were always worse during the full moon.

As I was taking in the energy around me, I began realizing how quickly things change. If I'm going to be receptive to myself and the universe, it's not alway wise to adhere to a rigid schedule cuz things change constantly. It's okay to not pursue something planned if it no longer suits me for whatever reason. I don't think that mentality should be abused as a way to avoid responsibility, but if it's small leisurely stuff, that's different. I was so close to going to a book swapping party last night. I mean I was minutes away when I just lost the desire to go. I was experiencing a pang of inner conflict. The old me wanted to continue going cuz I gathered all the books I wanted to swap and it would've been such a wasted trip. But I really wasn't feeling it. The last thing I wanted to do was force myself into be social when the idea of following through with this overwhelmed me so much, it was almost paralyzing. So I went home and I have no regrets. It actually felt liberating.

The truth is that I spend more time fulfilling tasks simply cuz I wrote them down on my to-do list, rather than paying attention to what I really want. I've gotten used to and even numb to that grueling feeling that it's become another regularly occurring feeling. My perception has become distorted. By not realizing that this feeling is a negative one, I proceed with my plans. All the while failing to see the truth. And I'm finally beginning to open my eyes.

This may not seem like a big deal, but for me it's huge! I still continue to fill my journal with to-do lists. But since I'm beginning to realize the value of just going with the flow, I imagine I'll save a lot more paper and focus on the things that really matter. Plus I won't be overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt and inadequacy for not finishing everything on my list. I won't hesitate in writing down what I'm interested in cuz I might change my mind and I want to avoid the feeling of guilt. Then end up kicking myself cuz I totally forgot that's what I wanted to do when I was in the neighborhood and stuff like that. RIGHT NOW I'm thinking it'd be nice to go to the mall. Two hours later, I may change my mind. I'm staying open. :)

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Yesterday was a Good Day

I've been waiting on a package FOREVER! I bought hyaluronic acid serum and essential oils from Puritan cuz they have a buy 1 get 1 free special that's pretty much always going on. So I got 8 (2 each) of the essential oils in cinnamon, lavender, lemon, and peppermint. The cinnamon has a woodsier scent than I'd like. The lavender's not the best I've smelled but certainly enjoyable. The lemon scent is a much softer citrusy scent than I would've expected, almost faintly candy like. I was imagining it'd be a sharper scent. Peppermint was great! And it's the only one I found I could use internally. The hyaluronic acid wasn't on a two for one special but found it much cheaper online than in person. All in all, I'm very happy with my purchases. :D Usually when I place orders, I receive them well before it's indicated timeline. So all the waiting made me envious of my co-worker.

I was originally planning to return my library book but instead decided to join a yoga membership since this they were offering a free month special if I sign up. It's less than $100 for an unlimited monthly membership and the yoga instructors require many, MANY hours of teaching certifications. I've been wanting to do this for quite some time. I'm glad I finally called. I was also given a $25 gift card to spend at their store. I could basically get a good two books for free! :D I'm planning on getting one book on ayurveda and one on chakra if possible. I found a wonderfully scented lavender mist, but considering how I just purchased essential oils, I figure I can experiment with making my own! That should be fun.

Before I finally stepped inside and paid for my yoga membership, I was on the phone with a friend of mine for two hours!!! So we finally decided to meet up and we were hanging out at the beach. There was an area that wasn't as chilly situated right next to a crazy who was screaming and right near the edge of the cliff, too..... We originally wanted to go on a night hike to enjoy the full moon, but we couldn't find any nearby spots. So instead we had Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. Not the healthiest, I know.

I let 8 days pass and I haven't paid my rent cuz sadly I've been too busy and lazy to write a check, which I MUST do tonight! I also have to return my library book cuz it's due today. I don't want any late fees. I have to move quickly. Gotta take out the trash and gather books I don't want anymore, so I can make it to a book swapping event tonight. Hopefully I find something I like. Hopefully I'll make it. If I'm on top of things like I know I can be and not let my laziness and procrastination set in, I'll really be abe to get it done. The more I think about exactly how I'll do things, the more my energy develops that flow and I make it happen. So that's what I'm doing now.

Not driving makes things difficult, but it's my laziness that really causes the interference from completing my goals. During the weekend I'd like to hit up a craft store, pick up contact lenses, go to Charlotte Russe, Forever 21, wet seal, macys, and Kmart. The problem is that I can't find a mall that has all those stores! I have to go to like three different spots! It's ridiculous! I was given a gift card for macy's, so I want to look at what I can buy. I want to go to Forever 21 to get a black cardigan, a desire that's been building since high school at this point! I haven't been able to find just a nice plain one! Ugh! What a drag! Since I'm going to start taking yoga and I've been wanting to get black leggings anyways, I want to get a few. I'll leave one at work, one at home designated for yoga, and a spare for my regular outfits. That way I'll be able to wash them, too. That's promising!

I want to start making changes that'll support a healthier lifestyle like having groceries at work such as whole wheat bread, strawberry jam, hummus, carrots, celery, things like that. I'm also going to use my slow cooker more often, so I can have ready made meals for lunch and dinner. I'll also have workout clothes, too. I was hoping I'll be able to attend a yoga class this week, but my schedule doesn't seem to permit it as the book swapping only occurs monthly. I already missed it last month. Anywyas I'm going to spend some time focusing on how I see my day unfolding cuz I'd really like to see this plan unravel in a flowing sort of way.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Halfway Point

I've been considering moving for quite some time and if anyone's been keeping up with my blog, it's not new information. But I've started thinking about it more recently. So much so that today I began browsing craigslist. I'm still uncertain if this job will turn into a permanent one, but part of being intuitive is developing confidence in myself because imbalance distorts perception. For someone of over confidence, perhaps humility is required. In my case, however, it's quite the opposite.

Time will reveal the outcome. No amount of contemplating will advance the answer to me any quicker. (My how much I've grown. LOL) Anyways I'm going through the typical series of considerations, but this time I'm not narrowing my choices or blind to what my choices are. Despite the many jobs I've had, this is the first one that's closeby to where I live and easy to commute to. People live nearby where they live all the time, but I've never experienced this before.

I really enjoy the convenience. People used to be appalled by how far away I was from everything - friends, work, school, home, etc. I just thought it was my life. Now I like to call it standards. :) So nearby commute is a priority. By enjoying the benefit of it, I won't feel so depressed or imprisoned to a higher rental fee. I used to get briefly jealous that others always seem to find better deals than me. That pang of envy didn't last long since my life hurricaned one disaster after another.

My chaotic life forced me to not be petty. Now that I have time to feel how I feel, I'm not wasting it on asinine feelings and directly them outwards. I'm really taking the time to focus on what matters to me cuz the truth is no matter what decisions I make, there's going to be some sort of challenge somewhere whether it be exchanging a long commute for cheaper rent or higher rental fees for a closeby area. With that mentality expressed, I want to be open and receptive to cheap rent nearby. :)

Finding a place with utilities included would be wonderful cuz I've gotten used to not budgeting, which I could get away with cuz my expenses are pre-fixed. When I have to pay something, I pay well in advance so I don't have to deal with a bill monthly. I only charge on my credit card what I know I have money for. I withdrawal the smallest amount of $ I possibly need for food and only access that for food. I do the same with credit cards. Having a bank nearby is a super convenience! Gotta factor that into my moving, too.

I want to move even though I love my space cuz I don't want to become stagnant, and I can feel myself drowning in it. Part of it has to do with my habits, but it's also cuz I don't value my space. Whether my space is clean or cluttered, it feels the same to me cuz it's lacking that flowing energy. Even when I practice feng shui cuz I'm no longer stimulated and excited by it. I need something new.

It was a great experience to learn to cook huge meals without a kitchen and let go of a lot of my material possessions. It's quite liberating actually and I never thought I'd enjoy being a minimalist cuz the excessiveness of my life comforted me. It shielded me from the chaoticness of my life but what we give off is what we take in. Now I surround myself with less things and I'm lighter, so I attract lighter energy. That's a valuable lesson I couldn't have learned without living here, I believe.

But now it's time for a kitchen. A balcony to grow plants would be nice, too. Sometimes I get premonitions. That's when I see into the future clearly with quite a bit of detail. It doesn't always come true, but it's more solid than a mere thought which can be my free mind accessing intuitive possibility which may sound like the same thing but it's not. However, I can manifest it. Finding a balcony with my budget close to work seems unlikely, but I found something promising on craigslist already. If I continue to manifest my desires, I believe more doors will open up.

So let's review. An apartment with a kitchen for sure! Easy access to work. Preferably a balcony for plant life and utilities included. Washer and dryer must be on site. I'd like a space with hardwood floors or else I may just pull the carpet out. But what if it's damaged with holes? Can any amount of glossy finish fix nicks? Now that I've visited the parania realm, I'm returning to my happy place where I focus my energy manifesting positive desires.

Where I live now, you can hear everything. Walking around makes audible noise. I have no desire to go through the trouble of installing a TV, but at my new place, it'd be nice if it's a possibility. I don't plan on buying cable or anything. However, I'd love to be able to turn on workout DVDs. I'd appreciate that greatly cuz I want this space to be healthy - healthy holistically, nutritiously, emotionally, physically, spiritually, decoratively, artistically, mentally, internally, musically, and socially. Wow, I covered a lot there and I really should give them attention.

I'm going to let the thoughts marinade and return to them tomorrow. I'm beginning to realize the value of processing things subconsciously, rather than surfacing them analytically before they've had time to blossom and fully develop. Shuss for now!