Note: Now that I've written this and realized how much time I put into it and how much it drained me, I'm disappointed in myself for indulging in this topic. I shouldn't give power to things I don't want to fuel.
I've been doing a relatively good job not putting energy into feeling inadequate or insecure about my job if I may say so myself. Of course I've experienced brief moments of concern, a feeling too weak to be described as even mild panic from time to time, but I found myself quickly letting that feeling go. It's interesting when these positive changes finally transition. We don't know anything new, but we've become more receptive to the truth which is that stressing about the unknown won't help us any.
If something can be interpreted positively or negatively, I assume it's the latter. I either keep my thoughts to myself, smile through the bullshit, or handle it with a surprising amount of grace that this toxic mentality has had time to build inside of me. Unlike many others who become negative or self-pitying, I'm able to present myself impressionably enough that no one else has really commented on my dangerous thought patterns. I've become accustomed to the energy I exhaust from stress even as a child that it wasn't until recently that I realized how taxing it is on my body.
I'm proud of the progress I've made, but I think now is the time I should inventory my thoughts so I can direct them somewhere and release them on my terms. This is much better than snapping and adding more pressure to myself during a stressful moment where my feelings are unanchored and rampant. This is the first time I've ever put this much energy in thought in wanting to keep a job, probably because this is the first sane job I've had. If you only knew the unbelievable bullshit I've had to deal with.
The CEO calls the police cuz he's all butt hurt that the chef didn't come in to work (just for that reason honestly), working at a place where an insecure girlfriend has a pattern of getting girls fired around her boyfriend only to be greeted by a group of attractive women who wanted me to file a Beauty Against Discrimination lawsuit (it's a real legal term), a ghetto customer knocks over a ladder I'm on....I mean the list is endless. My point is a receptionist position is hardly challenging, satisfying, or meaningful. But I'm not mistreated and have opportunities here that I've never had before, an opportunity to read, write, and focus on my future. This is a rare blessing.
The truth is even though I'm about to complain about the dishonesty and lack of integrity within the employment agency that recruited me, it gave me an opportunity and I'm thankful for that. An employment agency I've never worked for or heard of found my resume online and offered me a job at an impressive salary for what I do and the state of the economy. It's conveniently located. Commuting to work is actually a breeze. I've never experienced that before. Now I understand why people are so shocked that I used to travel such distances. I've never had such a simple luxury. My yoga class is minutes away from here. Things are beginning to fall into place.
I really feel like they'll choose to keep me, but I can't bring myself to fully believe it. It's taken baby steps for me to even consider it. Even a job that I'll be only momentarily sad if I lose it is attached to rejection, so I'm totally guarded around it. How insane is that? ! Other candidates haven't been interviewing well, and I'm doing my job properly. Why am I so afraid to admit that I have a real shot? I guess it's because I worry if I can't even keep a job like this, what chance do I have at something bigger and better?
Anyways back to my original reason for this entry. Favoritism or Good Judgment? Yes, my position is undeniably biased. Maybe good judgment means choosing another candidate for my job. But I feel how I feel.
I should start from the beginning. The employment agency that recruited me was summoned by the HR representative. They're friends. That doesn't necessarily mean judgment is compromised, but I'm hoping this is a unique case. The guy from the agency called me multiple times one evening after work. He even texted me but since I received them so late into the evening, I decided to call the next morning before work. A voicemail was already waiting for me.
That's quite a bit of effort to get a hold of me. He said he just wanted to see how I like my job and the company wants to know how I feel about getting additional responsibilities. I was surprised by this remark because I made human errors, but considering the potential disaster, they're unacceptable. So I wondered why they would want to give me additional responsibilities. I certainly wasn't going to discuss that with the employment agency, though. I accepted, gave my pitch about why I like this job, and went about my business until I noticed postings for my job.
That's when I spoke in private with the office manager who was shocked by this entire misunderstanding. I was told this job is temp to hire and after being asked if I want additional responsibilities, finding my job posting made me worry if I'll even make rent the following month. She confided in me that she had hesitations about going with this agency, and she made it clear to them that although it's temp to hire she informed them a permanent candidate would be looking at a salary reduction because my current rate is out of their budget. That financially makes sense. She hated that I was misled and had to experience the anxiety that I won't be able to make rent.
It took me a day to put these thoughts together, but the agency called me multiple times. Who calls that often just to lie? The guy was doing his research. I'm a friendly and sociable person. It's very possible someone would've informed me of the truth. The HR guy kept his distance from me even though he was friendly with everyone else. And I didn't feel inclined to open to him outside of a professional relationship and usually there's a reason for that. It just takes me a while to discover what that is.
Today the HR rep's friend was interviewing. The guy talked over me when he asked me where the bathroom is. It could've been accidentally but it seemed more like he lacks conscientiousness and is disregarding. When he was waiting to be interviewed, he was pacing. In his speech, there's an indication of confidence that was conveyed while putting other people down. He said something like I take the time and most people don't. Something like that.
So there's the HR rep, the friend of the HR rep who's interviewing, and another friend of theirs that shows up and waits for the interview to be over! It's like a high school reunion. Who does that? It's so unprofessional. I know I'm being overly critical but seriously I wonder especially because of the guy's behavior which shouldn't be much of a surprise actually. He walks in and plops himself down on the couch all casually as if he just got home.
This is a business. Generally people are at the waiting area to wait. So I greet him and he looks at me like I'm crazy. How am I supposed to know who you're waiting for? Then the HR rep comes and starts hanging out with him. The friend starts complaining that there are no magazines. -_____-
As for the interview, the office manager was laughing a lot. But they weren't talking about work. She was telling him where she lives and it was indicated that he asked because at the end she asked him if he had any other questions. I believe it was her polite way of trying to get him to re-focus. It's just easy to worry since it seemed like the most enjoyable interview she's had. I just hope she realizes that they weren't interviewing! I'd hate it if I end up losing this job to a guy like him who's affiliated with this shady HR rep! I doubt the interviewer is faultless, too, since he asked his friend to give him a ride. This is the kind of person who doesn't see anything wrong with their behavior.