Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Pomegranate Corn 9

I realized something since I last blogged (yesterday). I shouldn't wait until I return to a previous state of mind which may or may not present itself before I express what I want to express. (Double express? I gotta expand my vocabulary and also stop being so critical of myself! Such a distraction that is!) Back on point: Feelings change; they're fluid, they grow, they alter, they dissipate. It flows. So what we once felt at a given moment in time may never mold back that way. That's what makes feelings so powerful and meaningful. There's a bittersweet element to its volatility and interchangeable nature. If feelings stayed the same, we would eventually desensitize from them and it'll lose its rawness, its potency. So instead of wishing for past feelings to manifest, I should just be grateful to have had them, appreciate them, and when I feel it's appropriate as I do now, freeze the moment in time through whatever channel I choose. And since I chose to blog about this, I choose writing, blogging.

As open as I've learned to become about my day to day experiences, the interactions I have with people, and my personal feelings and epiphanies, I still choose to not disclose much about my love life because I believe it's an intimate experience between two people. That unique bond that can only be experienced by those two people and no one else. But I want to guard against following a specific set of rules just because they've been established as "rules." This is something I want to share.

There's someone I'm involved with right now, and I really like him. But we're both pretty busy and we can't offer each other as much time as we'd like. It's unfortunate but we both understand that we have our own things to deal with that take priority. It's actually kind of refreshing to be with someone who's at the same place as me so understands. In some ways it makes our time together even more special. So what more can I ask for? Neither of us want to over extend ourselves beyond our capacity, and that's a healthy perspective.

But it has left me wondering sometimes how and when we'll develop into something more than what we are. We're definitely moving along and the changes I've sensed long ago seem to be building. And I've learned to not focus my time and energy wondering because it won't expedite or change where we are now or where we're going in any positive way. My focus should be on more relevant and productive matters that require my attention.

Feelings just happen. And what I've realized is that when I'm focused on other things, I still think of him and want him close to me the way I know he feels about me. That doesn't change. A while back I had a dream that involved him. We were at a local organic shop except the store was different. If you keep walking through the store, it eventually led to a backyard, my parent's backyard, in fact. But in the dream it was an extension of the store. Customers harvested plants directly from the garden to purchase. It was such a neat concept, actually.

I was grabbing some "sugar cane" for him because he needed the ingredient for an upcoming job except it wasn't really sugar cane. That's what I thought it to be in the dream, but it wasn't at all what a sugar cane actually is. It looked like corn but doesn't grow the way I know corn to grow. There was a thick stalk and corn was growing out of them which might sound a lot like the way corn actually grows but it was different. Just trust me.

Instead of the kernels being white, yellow, or even blue, it was red. And when it was ripe and ready to be harvested, it stained the husk a red tint, too. It was swollen, squishy, and soft to the touch. I shared this dream with him and he described the plant as "pomegranate corn." What a beautiful description. I can't think of a better way to describe it.

It was difficult to determine what that dream meant because I wasn't quite sure what to search under, but what I did uncover were all positive because you figure there's harvesting involved which symbolizes prosperity. :) So that dream is known as Pomegranate Corn. If I were asked if I can create any food, it'd be pomegranate corn.

It was hard to believe at the time how those feelings can relate to both of us from that dream because not enough has happened yet between us. But if there's one thing I've learned about us, my intuition is far more advanced in feeling what's yet to occur. If I can so easily distrust myself, I should find more balance by giving myself the benefit of the doubt and trust that there's reason for hope. Even though I'm changing, it's not exactly in my nature to trust. So when it happens, I'd like to be believe it's a deserved reaction. So far it's proven to be true overall.

Pomegranate Corn 9 is another dream that involves him. There was no pomegranate corn, but I find the title fitting. I saw him at a farmer's market and his boss informs me that I paid twice last week for a drink. I told her that I didn't think I did. An employee of hers shared my same position, but she was adamant I did. She said "I think you did" and was civil but very adamant and firm in a screaming yes you did sort of way. Okay....

So then she puts $7 down in front of me and I get a beverage that is, in fact, $8 but I put down an extra $2 to fulfill the complete payment. Then the guy I'm involved with appears to the left of me. It's at this point that I no longer see his boss but his co-worker is still within my vision. He unnecessarily wraps his arms around me to point towards the oranges to say look there's oranges, and I reciprocate this hilarious and ridiculous gesture while acknowledging the oranges. Then he begins to kiss me. That's when I wake up a quietly good mood with a smile on my face. It was very nice.

Money symbolizes qualities characteristic to the first Pomegranate Corn dream, success and prosperity but it can also relate to belief in yourself, matters of the heart, sexuality and power. To give or spend money in your dream is analogous to giving love, looking for love. When money is being given away, it suggests you're feeling ignored, overlooked or neglected, that someone isn't paying enough attention or showing you enough affectionate. Truthfully speaking, I wish we spent more time with each other. I won't lie. But it's the sense of feeling I got that holds its power. And how it ended with a kiss.

Recently our schedules conflicted, so we went longer than we would've liked to without seeing each other. We were both tired, overwhelmed, distracted, and our communication started to become merely informative, a confirmation that unfortunately we couldn't see each other that day or something along those lines. When we did see each other, it was short but sweet. It was without a doubt one of our best hang outs and we both felt it. It was undeniable. I feel like that dream mirrored our experience. Eventually we did see each other and it was great. I do want more affection and he kissed me. :)

Then there are numbers that have significance in the dream. $7 and $2 equaling $9. When it comes to numbers in dreams, it should be deduced to a single digit. So if you dream of a specific year, for example, you're supposed to break down those numbers and keep adding until it's reduced to a single digit. What I found incredible is that while each number involved has some sort of significance that speaks to me, when you add them all together until you get a single digit, you end up with the number 9 again! And at the end, $9 was the total amount. It's after $9 was accumulated that I got my kiss, as though that had to happen before we could kiss.

Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music, and attainment of high spirituality. Or it could relate to the seven deadly sins, seven days of the week, seven chakras, or uniqueness and eccentricity. It's up to me to decipher which ones relate to me based on my intuition. I believe it relates to high spirituality. I'm a spiritual person and I feel like I've become a lot more connected to the universe lately and this dream is just sharing with me the progress that's occurring. And this symbolic number was given to me.

Two stands for balance, diversity; partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength and even duality and opposites - male and female, mother and father, light and dark, heaven and hell, yin and yang..... Balance, partnership, soul, receptivity, and even double strength speak to me and not because those are positive and it's nice for those qualities to be present in my life. I really feel connected to those specific meanings especially receptivity. It's after $2 that he began kissing me.

Nine, the most powerful number of all, denotes completion, closure, rebirth, inspiration, and reformation. YOU ARE ON A PRODUCTIVE PATH, SEEKING TO IMPROVE THE WORLD. Number nine symbolizes longevity. At least I feel it's the most powerful number of them all. Rebirth. I sense that. I'm defining and reinventing myself into a better person. I've been on this path determining what kind of career I want to lead.

I want to get into an altruistic field but beyond that my mind has gone blank. I feel like before I can be productive in my thoughts, ideas have to build first. That's what I'm exploring right now and these dreams are reassuring me that I'm on the right path. I sensed a hint of that but it was hard imagining it with the first dream because I'm unemployed. How can there be prosperity? Now I'm starting to feel it.

I'm still in the development process and can't even write about it. But I started meeting a lot of great people and I've been partying a lot which doesn't seem productive except it's through these parties that I've meant people who could be conducive to my growth in establishing the right path for me. That's amazing.

This dream also gave me a sense of peace with something I wasn't completely comfortable with. This dream is about me and the changes I'm going through which does albeit involve this guy, but why can't I undergo this process without his presence? When I stopped getting premonitions of him or I'm not channeling him, it's an indicator that I'm emotionally detached. There's a blockage that needs to be removed. And that's important to be aware of but why does such an important element in my life have to involve a guy? Can't I transcend beyond a guy I like? Why can't I be independent of him? These are all minor thoughts that have crossed my mind.

It was in this dream that his presence and my life's purpose co-existed peacefully. His presence added dimension and a pleasure I welcome. It's not that I can't be independent of him. It's that he's important. And what's wrong with that? It's kind of cool that he's there and even neater that my subconscious which has the ability to see into the future is seeing prosperity in my path.

Hence Pomegranate Corn 9.

Oh yeah and the kissing....To dream of a kiss denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and content which is what I woke up feeling.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

"You Rock the World!"

It's amazing how even just a slice of time, as short as it may be has the ability to have lasting effects on us. It makes me open my eyes to how receptive and sensitive we, as people, are to our surroundings. It takes something powerful to make us realize this, though. I'm mildly shaking right now because I'm that affected by a single experience and the series of consequences that followed. It's truly tragic because I was looking forward to writing about "Pomegranate Corn 9" and beginning that entry on a cheerier note about how unlike other moments where I'm bummed out about not having enough time to write about all the thoughts I want to express, I wanted to share gratitude for the limited time because it makes me prioritize what truly matters.

What I'm hesitating to divulge now is what I was going to delay in writing, so I can focus on Pomegranate Corn 9. But the truth is that this blog is supposed to be therapeutic. If I resisted in releasing this toxic energy I'm so affected by that's leading me to shake only to write about something positive that I'm not currently channeling at this time, that wouldn't be healthy. And it'd just be deceitful. I think I've experienced enough deceit already but interestingly enough, instead of typing out deceit, I wrote defeat. I think I've experienced enough defeat already. I'm tired.

I recently told a friend that failure is our most valuable lesson. The same is true for disappointment. The sadness is unavoidable. But what I choose to take from that experience is up to me. So I took the time to appreciate new and old friends for the genuine friendships I have with them. And one of my dearest wrote, "You rock the world!" And that made my day.

For now I'm going to end with this because I could elaborate as I always do but this time instead of focusing my energy in expressing how I feel, I want to process and manage how I feel. That takes priority. I feel contaminated with conflicting energy and emotions I have clarity on but what I allowed to be compromised. I need to cleanse my aura, so that I can give "Pomegranate Corn 9" the attention it deserves. The thought of it is already making me smile and I can feel that positive energy infusing within me. :)

Friday, April 15, 2011

Let the De-cluttering Process Begin!

Let me begin by expressing how grateful I am to find this time to blog. Like a broken record but none the less true, I haven't been able to blog and I can feel the strain of excess thought draining me. Quite a bit has weakened my energy, in fact, including my excess products I used to pride myself of. I was so proud to have accumulated a collection of furnishings at such a young age (entertainment center, home theater system tricked out with a kick ass HDTV, 5 DVD player and surround sound system, at least for my standards), bed platform, mattress, two small chests, a tall chest, two coffee tables, a 5-piece dining set, a gorgeous purple sofa, ballet bar, a computer table, and not to mention my infamously impressive kitchenware that'll be elaborated in a separate, vicious entry. But for now I want to focus on purging and channeling that refreshed feeling I got as I shed myself of things, so angering rants can be saved for later.

For most of my life I've been an "excessivist." I know that's not a real word, but I suspect any readers can gather a definition. It's someone who lives a lifestyle of excess, whether it be in addiction, material possession, whatever. I had a lot of things. I couldn't imagine ever willingly disposing of them because of who I used to be. The old me wouldn't have done it, but a series of experiences has altered my identity and with it came a new desire to purge myself of my past.

It's quite liberating in a powerfully subdued sort of way. We often hear the benefits of simplifying our lifestyles beginning with removing unnecessary clutter that splits our focus and burdens us with energy depletion. But more times than not when we hear those words of wisdom which require such a 360, it leaves us spiraling into an emotional panic, not unlike the emotional equilibrium we're being promised. If we can't even hear it, we're not ready to undergo such a change.

The truth is that if we grudgingly agreed to simplify our lives outside of our desires, perhaps as a result of outside influences, it isn't nearly as rewarding and can even result in resentment for what could feel like a coercion. And that's crazy because most people will probably forget about the things that are gone because it's too exhausting to stay angry about something we know we won't get back. And yet we cling to our material possessions, hopelessly, irrationally. And while it may seem like once our things are gone that there's room for positive change and growth, I don't believe we can maximize those results unless the desires are coming from within.

I've changed so much and as angry as I could be in the past, I'm not really like that anymore. However I can't always seem to let go of the anger that I felt in the past cuz it's still a part of me. I only feel how I felt then. I just don't relive it anymore. But when I'm reminded of it, the wisdom and emotional maturity that allows me to stay level-headed when I'm confronted with similar situations now doesn't seem to permeate my past.

My foster mom once bitched and bitched until I agreed to get rid of some things. I didn't want to. I wasn't ready to. When I think back at that moment, even now, I simmer with anger and sadness. She manipulated me into doing what she felt was best, while completely disregarding my feelings. How can people think it's okay to act selfishly out of consideration? It's an oxy moron and undermines a person. As a desperate act to silence her, I agreed to get rid of some things only to go downstairs in tears grabbing my first pair of ballet slippers now soiled by the trash mixed in.

At that point in my life, ballet was my only escape from my Hellish life. Throwing away the only physical evidence that comforted me was a personal attack to me. It was vicious, cruel, and spiteful. I know that wasn't her intent, but you never know the emotional attachment people have to things.

Yes, it is better to let things go. But what happens when you force yourself to get over someone or something when you aren't ready? When you put yourself in a situation you aren't properly prepared for? Adverse consequences can result. There's no right approach for everyone because each of us are so different. So it's important to listen to the person you're trying to help. And if it means waiting until they're ready, that's what should be done. I know many adults who I suspect will never allow themselves the de-cluttering process, and it's truly tragic. But the truth is that, as adults, it's their right to sustain a damaging lifestyle and it's not our place to thwart that.

Certain people have the power to vastly influence me to do things beyond my personal preference and it could've be exploited to ultimately better myself by forcing a premature de-cluttering process. I would've forgotten my things were gone. But I would've quickly replaced the missing pieces with new parts because I wouldn't have learned the lessons from that process. Or I would've moved on with life without ever fully experiencing the benefits of the purging process and I can't emphasize the immeasurable value of that.

At the mature age of 27, I began removing the material excesses of my life. I've started late last year and I haven't even come close to completing this project. I don't feel rushed to get it done, though, because I want to savor each moment of gratitude I experience as they come along. Some days I rapidly dispose and sometimes I'll go weeks until I'm ready to tackle a therapeutic but still very draining process.

I feel rejuvenated by this de-cluttering process which is such a cathartic experience, and I've been hungering to express it. But now that I have the opportunity, I find myself pleasantly blocked from being able to convey it in words. I've come to appreciate when I'm unable to articulate meaningful things because it makes them more special. Not everything has to be explained. All I know is how I feel.

I feel like I'm slowly being released from this form of prison I enslaved myself to. I'm learning to let go as my vision expands far beyond the horizon. I feel lighter in essence. Liberated. But in an intense sort of way. Sometimes it's great to feel powerfully liberated when the concentration of energy is just as intense as the toxicity I experienced. But right now I appreciate the subtle effects of this because I'm not overwhelmed. I'm able to absorb the benefits. I'm in the present because this positive change is progressing slowly. I'm more aware. As a result, I'm not frightened so I'm receptive. I don't need to take a break and regroup as much.

It's flowing energy of change. Instead of being this thrashing waterfall, I'm this stream of river. I find waterfalls to be more attractive and people tend to gravitate towards it more. It's bigger, bolder, flashier. But rivers travel to more places, quietly and flowingly, and touches so much more than the waterfall.