I Don't Know When I'll See You

Here’s an example of my insecurities running rampant. I spend most of my time with this guy I’m seeing. It’s also become routine. I don’t mean that in a boring, predictable way but seeing each other is no longer something we plan; it’s something we do naturally. When he has to leave for work, he confirms if I’m staying at his place and asks me if I want him to pick something up. He’s comfortable with me at his place. He calls me everyday and we keep in touch.

Not much has suggested that we’ll part ways any time soon, and yet the simple sentence “I don’t know when I’ll see you,” has filled me with insecurities. He wanted to give me some food, but I wanted to go to the library and didn’t feel like lugging it around. So he offered to hold onto it for me.

I texted him when the library was closed simply to share. I wasn’t trying to hunt for a ride or anything especially since he was probably long gone from my area, but he immediately calls me back to let me know he’ll come and pick me up. That way I can take the food with me. He says, “I don’t know when I’ll see you.” Is it that much of a mystery? We see each other so often that I would’ve assumed I’d get the food not long after.

Usually I’ll make it a point to address questionable statements like this, but after a considerable amount of time, I FINALLY learned that it doesn’t go over very well. No one likes being presented with that. If I’m looking too into it, the recipient takes offense. If there’s truth to it and I recognize it immediately, the recipient becomes unnerved which makes perfect sense. When you’re trying to eliminate someone out of your life, it’s probably because you want to create some sort of distance. An extensive conversation is unwelcomed. And more than likely, it won’t appease me.

I did notice that statement right away, but I didn’t investigate it. I wonder if it’s because deep down inside I knew I didn’t want to know the answer, that I’m not ready to hear the truth. Could it be that I’m finally learning to not indulge in my insecurities? As much as I wish that were true, it seems unrealistic. Whatever the truth may be, only time will tell. No amount of obsessing over a mere seven words will reveal the truth only time can present.

I can be incredibly single-minded. It’s the end of the year. Instead of partying, he works and makes loads of money. He usually calls me after he gets off work, but I’ve practically been living at his place now. And a few times we fell asleep on his incredibly tiny couch, both of us. The next evening he said that he wants to go to sleep but if I want to watch TV that he’ll chill with me. We’ve only spent a couple hours resting on the bed. I imagine work was more brutal than normal, too.

Those reasons make it more than understandable why he may not have called. On the opposite end of the argument, it’s never kept him from calling before. Then again, these reasons don’t have to exist for him to not call. Things happen. It’s a waste of time and energy for me to get this worked up. I tried to ignore my concerns, but it just made it worse. I tend to tell people to address their insecurities, in order to eliminate them. That’s what I’m trying to do here. I want to put it into perspective.

It could’ve been a pre-meditative statement or it could’ve simply meant he genuinely doesn’t know when he’ll be able to see me. He doesn’t want it to take up room at his place. The truth is if it was pre-meditative, then it’s over. The last thing I should be doing is giving attention to something that’s been terminated. If I’m making a big deal out of nothing, that’s even worse because there’s no validity behind my obsession.

Instead of feeling better, I’m actually getting that nervous feeling. That weird, unpleasant sensation below my skin. Last time I felt that way I thought a guy wasn’t interested in being a relationship with me, which was untrue. Obviously that situation is different, but I want to remind myself that things aren’t always what I think they are. Thinking of it gave me a sense of relief.

The message I want to leave myself with is that I can’t change my train of thought over night. It takes time, but I want to change them. So when these negative thought patterns develop, I shouldn’t ignore them because then they’ll never leave. But addressing them shouldn’t become a tactic to engage! It should be to rid myself of them. And sometimes that means accepting that I won’t know no matter how desperate I am to uncover the truth, and no amount of obsessing will change this reality. Also, obsessing won’t bring me closer to the truth. I really should be more productive with my thoughts, time, and efforts.

Making Improvements

I don’t feel like I have a lot of news to offer. My life hasn’t been moving in the direction or speed I’d like (whatever that direction may be). But I’m making improvements in my life. Steps so small that perhaps they aren’t noteworthy if a standard existed. Not that it matters because I’d ignore such a guideline anyways.

I’m no longer being a destructive force ready to annihilate the only person I’ve ever met that I want to be in a relationship with for real and present reasons. I still find myself being unreasonably insecure by his joking words. Even when I’m tempted to brush them off and flaunt a positive attitude, I find myself becoming smaller. But at least its effects are visible to me now. I can fight what I can sense but a silent force that eats away at me is a different story. So that’s progress…

I’ve stepped back and realize the damage I’ve caused. It’s keeping me cautious, conscientious, considerate, and more thoughtful than I’ve been in a while. I’m ashamed at realizing how negligent I’ve become at being a good person. I feel like I took a hiatus on being considerate and thoughtful. Returning back to that state requires assimilation, and that’s rather unsettling. But again at least it’s happening.

I wish I could celebrate more in my life, but unfortunately there’s very little going on in my life right now. It’s embarrassing to become the girl who’s lost herself in a sea of emotions triggered by a guy and her own insecurities. When you wake from such a nightmare, you find other aspects of your life to be in ruins. I can’t revive what’s dead. I can remove the carcasses to make room for new life and create an ambiance that’ll promote new energy.

Before I get ahead of myself and begin working on those aspects, though, I have to give attention to the very few remaining livelihood left in my life. And that’s why I’m changing my attitude. I don’t want him to suffer through the hellish me again. More importantly, I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I’m not certain how the transformation is supposed to take effect. I do know that my unacceptable behavior was a negative reaction to my insecurities. I have to strengthen myself emotionally and mentally. Whether I act out of line again or not, the cause is the problem and has to be eradicated or transformed into a more powerful and positive source because I refuse to have that presence continue to exist within me. It’s an unwelcome energy that’s made itself a guest within my conscious.

Our thoughts become echoes of our subconscious. The problem is we don’t know what our subconscious thoughts are until IT decides to make itself known to our conscious mind. Only then are we included in what’s going on within ourselves because we have off limits inside ourselves. Talk about helplessness. By the time it’s become known to us, it’s too late. Whatever thoughts we’ve carried over the years have taken root in us. That’s why it’s so important to be careful what energy we attract and keep in our lives.

To kill something off and replace it with something better, you have to starve what you want to remove. Make it weak, so it can die. Feed what you want to exist and survive with the nutrients it needs to flourish. So in this case, I want to rid myself of the insecurities that have plagued me.

It takes a surprising amount of discipline, focus, and conscientiousness. I have to recognize what’s strengthening it, which is difficult to do because I’m untrained at recognizing its allies. Once I uncover these culprits, I have to find ways of eliminating it out of my life. Sometimes that’s a real challenge. Now this only applies to the enemies that are present now.

Threats exist and arise everywhere. I have to ignore them but through recognizing them or else it’ll re-enter into my life undetected. Sometimes it’s just a matter of changing my own behavior. When someone makes a seemingly harmless joke like how they’re embarrassed to be around me, I have to paralyze my auto-reflex of almost instantly feeling inferior. It’s like trying to stop myself from free falling when there’s nothing I can attach myself to. Most times I’m not even aware it’s happening, so I’m unable to protect myself against a danger I don’t suspect or see. Other times it’s happening so quick that even with my awareness, it’s already begun and I don’t know how to stop it.

It’s discouraging when I can’t even see what I’m supposed to stop and even when I do, I’m not quick enough. My failure gives validity to my insecurity, telling me that this is why I feel the way I feel because I really am not good enough. I can’t even help myself. That kind of attention distorts reality. I feel so inadequate that I get consumed in it, not making myself receptive to other facts like how virtually everyone fails at something repeatedly before they succeed and it’s actually a building process for success. Without it, success can’t occur. Another word for it is practice.

I’m not going to feel good overnight. But I like to say smile through the bullshit because if you wait until bullshit leaves your life, you’ll only frown until death greets you and takes hostage of you. Or I say smile through the tears because manifestation is a powerful tool. When I’m crying and I’m upset, I hate it. I loathe it. I want to be happy. I want to smile and feel good again. But as long as I’m crying, that can’t happen. If I wait for the tears to pass, I’ll waste so much time. So instead I smile and force the sadness out of me. I give myself reasons to be happy. Why can’t I follow that same philosophy for my insecurities?

Killing things off isn’t unfamiliar territory. While my experience lies in annihilating positive qualities, all I have to do is change my target. Death of negativity is great and all, but there’s a problem when all that’s left is just death. Death of positive qualities, death of negative qualities. Some form of life has to exist for balance. I’ve recently discovered this because once I got rid of negative energy, I found myself depleted and weak because I didn’t replace it with something nourishing. I still forget to feed myself in positive ways. But at least now I want I should.

When I go deeper within myself, I can hear myself whispering lies of how I’m not good enough. If I have to tell myself negative things for those thoughts to stay alive, I have to say positive things to myself so they’ll stay alive. The process in sustaining an energy life force isn’t what’s flawed. What I’m choosing to keep alive is.

I remember believing that if I’m truly a worthy person, I don’t have to tell myself that because saying it doesn’t make it true. Being worthy is what makes it true. But the truth is we get distracted and sometimes we forget. So the reminders are necessary. Negative thoughts have to recycle in our minds in order to survive; we just aren’t aware of it because it’s occurring in our subconscious.

So as lame as it may sound, I’m going to greet myself in the morning and evening saying nice things to myself, just as I do for the people in my life. If they’re good enough to hear positive things from me, I’m good enough too! I have this fear of going stale and just going through the motions. Even before I’ve begun the process, I’m already complaining and indulging in my fears. Not good! But I’ve listened to my concerns, so I’ll be guarding myself against stagnation. Although it’ll be a while before it becomes routine because it’ll take time to believe what I’m telling myself.

I’m an attractive woman, but beauty is skin deep. I’m also a beautiful person on the inside. No, inner beauty isn’t reserved for the physically unattractive. Inner beauty doesn’t discriminate. What makes me beautiful is my friendliness, caring nature, consideration, thoughtful, interesting personality, intelligence, insightfulness, fun spirit, intuition, desire and ability to help people, my altruistic nature, communication skills, talent as a writer, quality of friendship I offer, my open-mindedness, receptiveness, unique qualities, independence, curious mind, good-heart, honesty, flexibility in my life, resilience to life’s chaos, inner strength, opinionated thoughts, great ideas, inspirational influence, supportive and encouraging qualities, empathetic nature, charm, ability to make friends easily, attract people into my life, the presence of spark I bring out of people, the impact I have in peoples’ life, the smiles and laughter I spread to the people around me, the insights I offer them, the reasons they open up to me, and a myriad of other qualities I’ve yet to mention or even discover.

I help formulate my friends’ goals and aspirations. I make it easier for them to deal with their struggles. My smile has the ability to warm someone’s heart. I’m caring and loving. I’m a valuable friend. I would make a great significant other in someone’s life. I’m affectionate. I give personalized attention. I’m encouraging and supportive. I’d make a good mom because I’m full of ideas and want to share experiences. I have a lot to offer. I’m not any less deserving than anyone else. J

I have a lot more to work on. When I began outlining this entry in my mind, I imagined it to be much briefer. But I’m pleased with the new life that was born through this entry. My spark of confidence and self-esteem boost.

Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!

Skate Through It

I recently went ice skating, and I'm giddy to report I didn't fall and was able to actually skate! Okay, so being able to ice skate at 27 may not seem particularly impressive, but I've gone ice skating before many, many times and I could hardly stand. I understand the instructions given to me, the proper technique I must execute to skate, but in the past my body has always locked up. I'm not sure why this time it was different.

Maybe it's because I've become more intuitive, can feel that everything has energy and I was able to channel my friend's relaxing vibe, or I've developed a better control of my body and learned to manage my stressors better. After all my body locking up was just a physical reaction to my extreme psychological fears. Without them, I can skate through it. Through my fears, through my thoughts...

Over time I was moving forward more easily but with added tension. Eventually my speed was increasing. Sometimes I had to stop over it. When I sang along to the music that was playing, I was doing much better. Maybe it had to do with the fact that skating required so much of my physical attention that my thoughts began to slip away and somehow it allowed me to deal with some things I've been struggling with. I was able to skate through it.

My thoughts sound the same as what I've told myself before, but this time it feels a little different. It's as if some subconscious epiphany has changed me. Of course, I can't prove it because it's all in my subconscious. That's just my intuition about it. What's in my past and what's behind me is there. I can't make it go away. But it feels nice to move forward, to feel the air around me. And that's what for the first time in a long time I want.

The more enjoyable moving forward is, the more comfortable I'm becoming about leaving my past behind me and even accepting the possibility that my future may not hold who I currently desire. And that's okay. I just have to skate through it.

Sabotage, Go Away!

I’m ashamed of my recent behavior. I spent the past few years improving myself. I allowed some negativity to seep away and welcomed positive acknowledgements of myself. I can say honestly that I believe I’m an attractive woman. Even with a petite figure, I consider myself sexy. I used to view sexiness as a sign of curves, which I believed I lack. I have smaller curves but small is still something and it fits my figure. Once I began recognizing these qualities in myself and embraced them, I began to both notice and attract others who saw it in me as well.

As I’m typing this out, I’m having an epiphany. I’ve made progress on a superficial level. Outer beauty only goes so far. There’s so much more to me than what the eye can see. In the past few years, I did more than see what was already there. I became a better person.

I've become empathetic, receptive, and able to help people. Others gravitate towards me and open up to me about their struggles. I offer them encouragement and support. I’m perceptive and personalize my approach uniquely to each individual. I realize the value of self-growth and change. Already aware of diversity and individuality, I know not to force my hand. I’m a dominant personality and have excellent people skills, so the truth is I can manipulate and coerce people to make rapid progress and improvements. But it isn’t the end result as much as the journey, the discoveries and lessons you learn along the way that truly matter. Keeping these things in mind, I make a positive difference in peoples’ lives.

It also allows me to be intuitively attuned, which is essential for me. It’s as much a benefit for me as it is for my friends. Altruism is also a new facet I’ve developed. Being intuitive has also made me more understanding, patient, and tolerant. Awareness really brings these qualities out of me. Impatience, I’ve discovered, is a result of imbalance. It’s a side effect. We have difficulty accepting that we can’t control everything. Intolerance comes from ignorance, a lack of understanding, limitation in exposure, and inexperience. Intuition allows me to understand things at a deeper level, making me patient and tolerant. The apparent struggles in my friends make me more considerate, thoughtful, and generous. I’m inspired to offer them some sort of comfort.

Please know that I’m not trying to roll out the I’m perfect carpet, but I want to bring some balance into my life. I’m so quick to criticize myself and yet I refrain from acknowledging positive qualities. I’m not being egotistical, conceited, or vain; I’m being open and honest. And this weekend has been a demonstration of how I need to embrace all of my positive qualities.

When you have low self-esteem, you’re more likely to reject love or any kind of affection. I’m now more receptive to the attention and idea of guys being attracted to me, but on an intimate level, I still keep myself at a distance. Any sign (I interpret) as his disinterest and I become unpleasant. I’m consumed with negativity and transparent self-criticism. I don’t verbalize them, not out of consideration for others, but because I can’t bear facing the idea of being rejected for being inadequate. Yet everything has energy. So what I’m not articulating is still being subliminally released.

The more abstract and intangible something is like feelings, the more fragile I become. Instead of being open, receptive, affectionate, comfortable, and genuine, I act in contradiction to what I want to keep me safe. I’m rigid in what I hear and glue myself to negativity, unwilling to release myself from it or face the possibility that people change their minds. There’s a guy I like who’s become more affectionate and I can feel his feelings for me deepening, but I remember him withdrawaling. This is a relationship guy who had me and began pulling away. I’m only left believing that it’s because he’s not interested anymore.

Something he said could’ve been interpreted in two different ways and of course I concluded and closed it off as the negative one. He was less intimate but wanted to spend more time with me. He became more affectionate and more open but then he all of a sudden withdrew. When we talked about it, he said he wanted to see me but didn’t want to hurt me and slow down because we were leading towards a relationship and he didn't want to move too quickly. I revealed to him that I thought he was losing interest in me and he said, “No, quite the opposite.”

One can argue that he’s beginning to like me and is taking things carefully. The opposing argument is that he’s withdrawaling because he doesn’t want to end up in a relationship with me and doesn’t want to hurt me. When I wanted to talk to him and call him, I didn’t. He usually makes the effort, so I thought his distance was a desire of his and I didn’t want to counter that with my presence. He thought that was nuts and said I should’ve called him.

When we were around each other, he was fairly affectionate but not as much as before. I suppose if I reciprocated, we could’ve reached that level again. Of course, I withdrew. People observed us sarcastically as the picture of happiness. I was unhappy and did everything I could to almost retain that feeling. I gave him some oranges and took only what I needed. He told me to leave one for him at my place, so he can eat it. It was a gesture that he was trying to warm me up to, but I ruthlessly rejected that orange. How insane is that?

I was snappy and my attitude infected him. I’m not excusing my behavior, but this is also around the same time a few of my friends were going through a hard time. I think I was channeling some of their emotions. Instead of detaching myself from them as I usually do, I felt too defeated to put in the effort that’s required to do just that. It affected my well-being, and I took it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Now I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to give him reasons to not want to be with me, despite what my self-sabotaging actions may suggest.

If every time we get close, I do something to make even the idea of spending time with me appealing, I’ll be securing a no relationship guarantee. That’s honestly not what I want. And how I’ve been behaving isn’t who I am. Of course, how am I supposed to convince him of that? He only knows what he sees. And once the damage is done, it’s done.

I criticized and obliterated my existing positive qualities. As I was developing new ones, it didn’t occur to me that I’ll once again destroy them harshly because that habit is imbedded in me. I thought I was so hard on myself before because I believed what my parents told me. I thought once I believed in myself that my behavior would change, but unfortunately that isn’t so.

Fortunately, however, I’m aware. No matter what happens with him, he’s already proven himself as a friend for life. Even if I ruin my chances at a romantic endeavor, I’ll always have what matters most - our friendship. I see girls being brutal to my friends and eventually it wears on them and they go their separate ways. My friends look back at those toxic experiences kind-heartedly saying that she’s a good person, but she’s too insecure and it was too much for me. No matter how awful they were to them, my friends always saw the good in them. I’m not nearly as horrible as them (not that it matters because it isn’t a comparison or competition), but I hope no matter what I do, my goodness will always triumph.

This plea is more about self-empowerment than it is about rejection because this is bigger than some guy. This is about my self-esteem. I need to be more secure in myself and know that I’m worth it. I need to be liberated from my emotional imprisonments. Not just for any guy who’s involved with me but for myself.

"You Rock the World!"

It's amazing how even just a slice of time, as short as it may be has the ability to have lasting effects on us. It makes me open my eyes to how receptive and sensitive we, as people, are to our surroundings. It takes something powerful to make us realize this, though. I'm mildly shaking right now because I'm that affected by a single experience and the series of consequences that followed. It's truly tragic because I was looking forward to writing about "Pomegranate Corn 9" and beginning that entry on a cheerier note about how unlike other moments where I'm bummed out about not having enough time to write about all the thoughts I want to express, I wanted to share gratitude for the limited time because it makes me prioritize what truly matters.

What I'm hesitating to divulge now is what I was going to delay in writing, so I can focus on Pomegranate Corn 9. But the truth is that this blog is supposed to be therapeutic. If I resisted in releasing this toxic energy I'm so affected by that's leading me to shake only to write about something positive that I'm not currently channeling at this time, that wouldn't be healthy. And it'd just be deceitful. I think I've experienced enough deceit already but interestingly enough, instead of typing out deceit, I wrote defeat. I think I've experienced enough defeat already. I'm tired.

I recently told a friend that failure is our most valuable lesson. The same is true for disappointment. The sadness is unavoidable. But what I choose to take from that experience is up to me. So I took the time to appreciate new and old friends for the genuine friendships I have with them. And one of my dearest wrote, "You rock the world!" And that made my day.

For now I'm going to end with this because I could elaborate as I always do but this time instead of focusing my energy in expressing how I feel, I want to process and manage how I feel. That takes priority. I feel contaminated with conflicting energy and emotions I have clarity on but what I allowed to be compromised. I need to cleanse my aura, so that I can give "Pomegranate Corn 9" the attention it deserves. The thought of it is already making me smile and I can feel that positive energy infusing within me. :)

The Smallest of Things Can Trigger Our Greatest Fears

It's going to be my birthday this month. The new year just began. Valentine's day passed. And now my birthday's coming up. Each are Holidays that make people think of the future and reflect on our lives. I don't usually give attention to days people associate with significance but I spent the Holidays in my hometown, so I was exposed to an undeniable contrast between my old life and my new one. I've conditioned my friends to remember my birthday is 6 days after Valentine's, so it's closely associated to change. Not to mention since I'm single and 27, my mother can't resist criticizing my waning youth that's apparently being suffocated by enlarged pores. Even my father's joined in on the condescending territory my mother has more than adequately fulfilled by beginning and ending sentences with "you're not getting an younger." I understand how time works. Thank you.

I've thought about how much I've changed, how many people are still in my life, and which ones matter the most to me. I don't often worry about being able to maintain the friendships I've developed with local friends because I'm more connected to them. I see them regularly. I feel like if the friendship begins to slip away, I sense it and can work towards tethering to it or let it go because it's the right thing to do. My newer friends are also my adult friends. Life takes over and we lose touch, but we reconnect. That's our friendship works. But it's different with friends from my hometown.

I knew them since I was a teenager. I hang on to them more because while I want them to change, encourage them to, and even assist them with it, I don't want those changes to occur without my presence because I fear I won't recognize them. What if we drift away? By presence I don't mean physically. I just don't want to wake up one day and feel that they're nothing more than strangers. It's interesting that the things I fear are usually the things I should worry the least about and yet they matter the most to me, so I fret. When these friends change, even slightly, I'll feel it and it immediately brings me to a state of panic and desperate reassurance I impose on myself.

It's nearing a decade since I've left my hometown and I still talk to my friends from there regularly. I feel like we've survived the test of time, but the thing about time is that it's always moving forward. It never stops. What if one day we fail the test of time? That's my fear.

I should celebrate the growing years we've managed to stay friends, but instead it feeds my insecurity that we're coming closer to the demise of our friendships. We know each other so well that sometimes we send the most random and seemingly meaningless texts for each other. Other times we'll talk for six hours. So when I found that a close friend of mine was going out with another friend instead of talking to me for countless hours, the pang of being replaced took over. I never told him because these feelings are pathetic and embarrassing to have as it is. And I can understand why people think my feelings for him are more than platonic and I'm tired of repeating myself, but I'll do it in writing. I don't like him; sadly I'm just that insecure.

There are a few close people in my life I feel this way about, but I'm fond of certain systems and ours was being drastically altered from what I've become accustomed to. It's not just him. I have another friend who I texted if he's still alive cuz I felt like he's been MIA and I asked him if I'm just paranoid. He admitted that he's been preoccupied but I realized it was only two days that we hadn't communicated. Two days! Who the fuck trips off of two freaking days? And I swear I'm not usually obsessive like this, only when I worry that our friendship is compromised and I'm not used to these ordinary changes.

And my birthday rolling around made me think about where they'd be 10 years from now. But the truth is I have to stop worrying because we'll find out eventually. And no matter how much I fear and resist, what's going to happen will happen with or without my consent. I can't waste my time stressing when I could be living because our time here is indefinite and can be more brief than we think it'll be. So it's time to celebrate!

The Painful Difficulties of Defining Myself, Day 274

I struggle with the barriers that exist in defining myself which makes me question if I truly do have a strong sense of self. No matter how crappy life felt, no matter how helpless, no matter how painful, no matter how alone I felt in this world, no matter how much I was convinced that the world deliberately antagonized me for its own amusements, I always prided myself in my strong sense of self. I'm independent, I'm opinionated, I'm uncompromising, I didn't let things intimidate me, but lately things feel different. So many people say the same thing that this could read like a clique and maybe it is, but I'm only me and I can only feel what I go through.

For the first time I feel lost within my own identity. I may have gone through identity crises or transitions that I wasn't too proud of but through it all I was aware of the changes that were occurring as foreign as they may have seemed. When I was sitting alone in my soon to be just mine pad, the power of the blank canvas began swallowing me whole. I began realizing that this is my own space that's going to allow me an opportunity to identify myself in my own space, and I have no idea how to decorate it. I managed to turn decorating into an identity crisis nightmare.

It sounds pathetic and I can't properly defend myself and say it isn't, but it was genuinely horrifying. My place is supposed to be symbolic of who I am and display my identity. For someone who knows herself, I need others to define for me how to decorate my own space. Do I even really know myself? Maybe this inability to make this space my own without the help of others is actually an insight into who I am and why I need to be away from others. I grew up fast, too fast, that I skipped a couple steps and years later I'm realizing from a distance how much those missing pieces are affecting me. It sucks to go back and fill in those gaps after so many years as I see everyone else progressing forward, but I can't keep existing with pockets of emptiness inside of me. That's no way to live.

Long Overdue! Day 222

I should be sleeping right now. I should've blogged sooner. I can waste time typing about what I should be doing that I'm not, but it's time I start focusing on what I am doing. It's in my nature to focus on what isn't in front of me even if it means distorting the image I'm looking at by focusing only on minute details that don't allow me to fully realize what I'm looking at.

Work has turned me into a zombie. While I do call upon my work personality, I don't hide my identity in it. However, I work so much that it has consumed me. I haven't dealt or processed with emotions as much as I'd like or is considered healthy. But I have helped my friends out. In a twisted way, their pain keeps me human. Without it, I'd just be an empty shell at this point.

My friends are suffering, and it saddens me. But I have this silent intrigue and excitement stirring inside of me, and hopefully something will come of it. Only time will tell, but all that's been on my side is time. I want something new, change, progress, development.

Lately I've noticed that things I can't do I can do. This is one thing I'd love to be proven wrong. The insecurity and doubts surface, but I look forward to quieting them. I didn't realize until I began typing, but I sort of miss my premonitions. I had one this weekend, and some things changed or slightly altered today, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. My friend says that sometimes when things don't happen, you get a second chance. That's what I want, a second hope, another hope.

Sometimes during the briefest of moments when I'm alone, free of obligations, responsibilities, distractions, considerations of others, compulsions that consume me, I'm moved to tears when I think that I won't get what I want. I'm terrified to express that. I'm tempted to delete this paragraph because even though they're just obscure words to readers, they're associated and come from some of my deepest fears. Once I allow a tear to trickle down my face and slightly burn my skin with the saltiness it leaves behind, I'm able to resume my social nature. Does that mean I am broken or I'm not? I have this fear that expressions like these will be interpreted and perceived in a negative way that'll make people in my life hesitant to get close with me. I hope not.

2 4 6 8 Fuck my OCD 2 4 6 8 Fuck my OCD!!!! Day 152

I don't even know where to begin, how to start, or even exactly what to say. I'm recovering/experiencing an OCD neuroses bordering on a breakdown, and my first reaction was to share it with my cousin, the one person in my family who I can relate to and recognize myself in. But that's what I always do. It's in my instinct to express to others, look to others, involve others as a way to explore how I feel first. How come I can never do it on my own? And I'm supposed to be independent, but I'd like a guide and a flashlight before investigating my own thoughts. And I can't quite get rid of that scurrying away feeling that gnaws at me.

So I decided to blog about it first, but I find myself lost without a compass. If I were to express these concerns to my cousin, though, they'd come out naturally. Thoughts would just rush out of me like a waterfall so strong that it'll shake the ground. But right now I'm a dizzying array of excess and scattered thoughts, concepts I can't quite make out.

My title portrays exactly the state of mind I'm in. "2 4 6 8 Fuck my OCD 2 4 6 8 Fuck my OCD!!!" But that doesn't make much sense unless you're in my head, and even then it's a little hazy. I'm not sure if it was that single incident that triggered my OCD or if it's a series of recent events accumulating that made me intolerable.

Yesterday was an odd and rather unnatural experience. I hung out with a friend and things happened the way we planned it to, an unusual and rare experience, the one and only. I even went shopping at a department, tried on clothes of my own freewill without the annoying persistence of others, and bought two pairs of pants - one shorts and one I don't even know what they're called. They're tightly fitted jeans that come up to my knee and they're folded in place.

I really like the second pair of jeans, but they aren't folded evenly because there was a censor the store attached to the jeans. I really wanted them evened out, but my roommate said the slight unevenness wasn't much of a concern. She apologized to my OCD. Lately I've been testing the limits of my OCD and with success. I didn't realize how much of a breakdown this final straw could cause or that it even was a final straw.

It really wasn't that noticeable. I was wearing a really cute outfit and was in such a positive mood. When I walked out, I became increasingly and at an alarming rate highly uncomfortable. To the outside world, I was just another body moving in a single direction. But I could feel this uneasiness crawling into me, digging me out, and scratching away at me. It took everything I had to contain myself. It's frightening how convincing I can be as I struggle because it makes treatment an obscurity.

The sound of buzzing cars, swishing footsteps, whispering trees, the movement of air, the changing streetlights, the smell of the outside air, the world around me became this distant echo that I could hear but was somehow detached to as though I was no longer able to listen to it like I lost that ability and my attention and focus fell on me and my movement. Left, right, left right, my right foot landing harder than my left and being pinched from the sandal, the tightness that forged around my lower right back as I stiffened with every step my right foot took, the swaying that I felt practically lashing to the far left like a tic I couldn't control, getting louder and more exaggerated as I continued to move forward. The right side of my pants were folded lower, it felt looser, touched more skin surface than my left, unstructured, uneven, and dangerously uncomfortable.

The left side felt clean, even, secure, tight, flush, snug, orderly. Then my right side, the side I already dislike greatly is causing this huge unbearable strain on me with its sluggishness and even more troubling, its unevenness and inconsistency to the left side. This slight imbalance induced stress, a headache, paranoid, agitation, and I was desperate to be free from it. I started fantasizing about what a relief it would be to just strip myself of these jeans.

I didn't pass two blocks before I started imagining what a relief it would be. As I passed the school right across the street from where I live, an impressively sized institution but a walkable distance, my neuroses found itself competing for attention in my already overwhelmed mind. The guilt and inadequacy set in as I realized how incredibly ridiculous it is for me to want to take my pants off in public just because one side of my jeans is folded a little higher than the other. The two opposing forces just further burdened me and no amount of logic and rational thought eliminated or suspended my desire to just strip down over something ridiculously trivial.

In my mind, all of this is undeniably flawed, exposed, and humiliating. But in reality the outside world had no idea what my mind was plagued with. My movements weren't in reality exaggerated and awkward the way I perceived it to be. Even I knew that. But it burned into me no more real than typing these words out, even more real and frightening.

I thought I could convince myself, to trick myself into ease as I crossed the street only to find myself clenching my fists so tightly that I practically cut off my circulation. I realized that it's too great of a risk, too dangerous to continue on with my errands if I've managed to border such a breakdown in a brief amount of time. The scary part is that I can't say in full confidence that I wouldn't have taken my pants off. I doubt I would've, but I most definitely would've found myself hunched in a corner crying out of despair and humiliation for my thoughts.

And what if it gets worse? What if it progresses to a panic attack? What do I do then? It sounds unbelievable for something so small to be so consuming, but you have no idea how overwhelming OCD can be. People glorify it like the modern disorder to have, but no one really understands its burdens and how debilitating it can be. It comes out of nowhere and lingers indefinitely.

That experience has damaged me so much that if I threw those pants away, I wouldn't live to regret it. They're figure flattering, perfect fitting, stylish, and an excellent addition to my wardrobe. But it made embarrassing myself and doing something illegal and dangerous into an inviting alternative that I began to see as my only escape. It made me feel helpless and weak.

Do you have any idea how awful it is for a material object to take you over like this? And it interrupted my plans for the day. Now I have to make re-arrangements in my schedule tomorrow to accommodate the errands I've neglected today. I had to make a decision. The safest one was for me to allow this bullshit to beat me and return home. I'm that weak. I'm that stupid. I'm not easily influenced and fluctuating in my insanity. My state of mind was in total jeopardy.

I had to exploit my other unhealthy tendency, a drug addict mentality, to keep me stabilized and distracted until I got home. My attention had to be focused elsewhere before the temptation became too unbearable to resist. So it became a chant in my head, "2 4 6 8 fuck my OCD 2 4 6 8 fuck my OCD!!!" My right foot landing harder than my left made my strides uneven, but I rationalized it because I was walking on the right side of the street. I promised myself that I'd walk heavier on my left foot when I walk on the left side of the street.

When I get uncomfortable like this, my mind rushes back to moments when I felt just as helpless, exposed, vulnerable, weak, inadequate, and overwhelmed. It's this uncontrollable reflex. Why did my mind have to return to that, to him? I was crying and upset because I was emotionally scattered. I was a hostage to a force greater than myself, powerful and unmanageable.

I'm walking home and crying. But my eyes are covered by my sunglasses. The water swelling up my eyes is a secret hidden from everyone inches beside me. As the clear liquid trickles down my face, warm and wet, it makes everything more real. The pain makes it more tangible. But to everyone else I'm just a body moving in a single direction...