Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Long Overdue! Day 222

I should be sleeping right now. I should've blogged sooner. I can waste time typing about what I should be doing that I'm not, but it's time I start focusing on what I am doing. It's in my nature to focus on what isn't in front of me even if it means distorting the image I'm looking at by focusing only on minute details that don't allow me to fully realize what I'm looking at.

Work has turned me into a zombie. While I do call upon my work personality, I don't hide my identity in it. However, I work so much that it has consumed me. I haven't dealt or processed with emotions as much as I'd like or is considered healthy. But I have helped my friends out. In a twisted way, their pain keeps me human. Without it, I'd just be an empty shell at this point.

My friends are suffering, and it saddens me. But I have this silent intrigue and excitement stirring inside of me, and hopefully something will come of it. Only time will tell, but all that's been on my side is time. I want something new, change, progress, development.

Lately I've noticed that things I can't do I can do. This is one thing I'd love to be proven wrong. The insecurity and doubts surface, but I look forward to quieting them. I didn't realize until I began typing, but I sort of miss my premonitions. I had one this weekend, and some things changed or slightly altered today, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. My friend says that sometimes when things don't happen, you get a second chance. That's what I want, a second hope, another hope.

Sometimes during the briefest of moments when I'm alone, free of obligations, responsibilities, distractions, considerations of others, compulsions that consume me, I'm moved to tears when I think that I won't get what I want. I'm terrified to express that. I'm tempted to delete this paragraph because even though they're just obscure words to readers, they're associated and come from some of my deepest fears. Once I allow a tear to trickle down my face and slightly burn my skin with the saltiness it leaves behind, I'm able to resume my social nature. Does that mean I am broken or I'm not? I have this fear that expressions like these will be interpreted and perceived in a negative way that'll make people in my life hesitant to get close with me. I hope not.

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