A Little of Everything?

I'm not sure where to start. I was considering breaking down my entries, but then I worry what if I don't have the energy to address them all? But covering all of them in a single entry, I feel more receptive to it. Plus I'm more inclined to write entries that focus less on me and I don't want to fulfill that temptation when talking about myself is most important.

~Know Your Worth (which will be its own entry cuz of its significance)

~Isolation, Alone, Lonely

~Parental Priority

~Splash of Hope

~The Other One

Since I've been thinking about my life

Cleansing My Toxic Oasis

A part of me loves this title because I find it to be beautiful and intriguing. But it's also tragic that it exists. Then again my awareness of it is a testament to my emotional receptivity and spiritual awakening. The past couple of weeks I've felt lethargic, unmotivated, and lost my sense of time. 1 hour can feel like a mere 20 minutes. When I look at the space around me, it's not in such disarray that all function seizes to exist. But I can see undeniable signs that contribute to my unproductivity. My bed platform resembles a raft board without a mattress and it's become a catch all for clutter. It's sectioned off but it's still disorganized. I realized that a plant I relocated so it can be exposed to the sun was contributing to my mood and behavior because while the plant needs sun to be rejuvenated, in its current decaying state, it's contaminating my energy. I moved it today and already I feel a burst of life in me return. I'm at the library now. I rushed just so I can use the internet and post this. I won't have time to edit it because I arrived less than 30 minutes before closing. But I'm just grateful that I got here. I've been forfeiting any productive attempts because by the time I'm willing to do it, I won't have enough time. Well I feel better starting and not completing them than doing absolutely nothing. I have to go now to return my library books before they close cuz I think removing clutter is definitely going to lift the energy. I also received a few texts and I'm intuitively sensing an aversion to it. I wonder if my feelings will correlate once I read it. If it's what I suspect it to be, it'll ultimately be healthier in the long run. I encourage everyone to take the time and make even minor changes towards improving the energy around you.

A Trafficked Mind, Day 262

I think this title accurately reflects my state of mind and accumulation of experiences. Life is such a paradox. Why is it that nothing happens as everything is changing? How is it that as everything changes, absolutely nothing occurs? Those things should be mutually exclusive, but it isn't and that complicates it. And I'm not even sure I understand the concept, so how am I supposed to be affected those experiences? I suppose the best thing for me to do is to not analyze them and accept them for what it is, whatever it is.

My mind is overflown with countless epiphanies and experiences. Each meaningful in its own right, and it makes me want to provide them with the attention it deserves. But I don't have that kind of energy or desire. Something that's always been difficult for me is to snip corners. I need to prioritize which experiences are worth writing about and which ones aren't. Sometimes I think, man, I wish I wrote about this before the turn of events occurred because usually the change is good, but the writer in me knows I could've utilized the standstill to further my writing.

I guess I'm torn between the writer in me and the girl who just wants to experience life. I've identified myself as a writer, always, and only lately have I felt like there are other dimensions I need to discover. I seek the introvert within. I've felt drawn to moving to a specific place and I've been following my intuition, but I'm starting to understand why I want to move there and it gives me affirmation.

I'm a powerful extrovert. I love social settings and being around the energy of others, but there's always been that gnawing emptiness inside of me. I either ignored it and replaced it with friends or couldn't quite put my finger on what it is, so I barely noticed its presence or the absence of its presence. I believe most people are either extroverts or introverts. A lucky few have mastered the ability to channel between the polar opposites, but all they've really learned to do is travel between the two worlds. You don't really co-exist within those realms.

It's like this giant bucket. You can either fill it up with juice or water. The bucket's only so huge and can contain so much. If you try to pour both the water and juice in at the same time, it overflows and leaves a confusing mess. It's unproductive and dysfunctional whereas some people have learned to transfer the liquids out and replace it between the two beverages. I have a friend who's such an extrovert like myself, but his poetry is written by an introvert. Without reading his work, I wouldn't know such a presence exists in him.

I want to achieve that sort of depth, and I can only do that by myself. I'm going to move farther away where I know less people and it's harder to connect with my friends. It's also cheaper to live there, so I can have no roommates. It'll require me to rely on myself, intuitively. I look forward to it.

I began realizing the psychological damages of self-denial and suppressing my premonitions is more dangerous than I could possibly understand. I could be afraid to open up, but the feelings will linger. It's time I explore them and see where it takes us especially since we seem to be on the same page, both filled with attraction, intrigue, depth, reservations, fear, and this unfulfilled potential of what can be. We're both drawn to each other. I also look forward to where that leads.