A Lil About Me Feature of the Month

1. In my fifth grade yearbook, I wrote that when I grow up I want to become a writer and travel to France. I still hold those desires. I forgot how into France I was until the past couple of years when I developed friendships with a few French people. I have French cousins, and France has always carried that intrigue for me. Although I could care less about the Eiffel Tower. The last thing I want to do is spend a substantial amount of time going up many, many stairs only to say I did something achievable and is only considered significant cuz it's practically iconic. I have no personal connection to it. I also want to have the French experience since I'm told I have a European mentality. As an adult I've become interested in traveling to India cuz although I'm not a religious person, I believe the most intense experience will occur in a contrasting environment. The country looks beautiful, the devotion admirable, it's amazing the variety of food offered through a limited ingredient scale, and the design and colors used are absolutely gorgeous!

2. I want to paint an Arabian door on my wall, a mural, above my bed to serve as a "headboard." I want that ethereal, whimsical, almost Aladdin like look, rounded edges and soft corners. Many murals I found online feel either too busy or too boring for me. I want to personalize it by having a message written in braille. I used to read braille. A message will definitely be present, but it won't be overwhelming or distracting with the over usage of words. It creates an essence of mystery, too.

3. I really enjoy container gardening. Unfortunately I'm not home regularly enough to make such a commitment worthwhile. I also have neighbors that not only steal the produce but litter in it that I've lost interest in it sadly. When I was enjoying the process I grew strawberries, tomatoes, Italian basil, lemon basil, Thai basil, cilantro, parsley, oregano, thyme, radishes, carrots, shiso leaves, peppermint, mizuna, and wild arugula. I believe everyone should try their hand at gardening and begin with radishes cuz they grow quickly and abundantly. It's fun and encouraging.

4. I have a natural talent for communication, which must be why languages come more easily to me than others. Don't get me wrong. It doesn't mean I don't study hard, but I seem to be more receptive to it. Although I also have a tendency to forget unused material, as well. My Japanese used to be phenomenal. Now I seem unable to complete a sentence without tripping on a word here or there... :/ I grew up in a Russian neighborhood, so I picked up on that rather quickly. At best now I can make intuitive assessments. I was in Spanish 2B in high school. Now I can barely order food in Spanish. I dabbled in learning French, but I've hit a road block. I also knew American sign language, Japanese sign language, and braille.

5. I have this obsession of taking pictures of food I make, food I order, basically food within my proximity.

6. Summer is my party season cuz oddly enough when I drink, I get cold. I mean shivering and shaking in an uncontrollable capacity. But when I drink during the hot season, I go from feeling like it's 100 degrees to normal weather. I don't feel hot or cold, just fine. :) I like gurly fruity drinks. I'm a girl, small, and Asian. Not like I'm going to be knocking back shots. I'm okay with that. It makes the bill more affordable.

7. Most of my friends are guys and I have a platonic energy. I'm okay with that. I don't really welcome deceptive guys masquerading as my friend to get into my pants anyway. I find it insulting to my intelligence and a poor use of effort on the guy's part especially when guys get frustrated that they're unsuccessful in seducing me and as a result begin to resent me and lash out at me when I've been honest from the start. It's an adolescent way to respond to things not going according to your plan. You don't get what you want, so you bitch. Why can't adults be mature and gracious at the face of reality?

8. I want to learn to play the violin.

9. I was adopted when I was fourteen. My mom and my brother mean more to me than they will ever know. I was fourteen when the woman I met who would eventually become my mother showed me what being compassionate and caring truly is. It's a rather delayed age to learn emotional qualities we should all be familiar with, but I'm just grateful I experienced it and learned it through her.

10. My absolute favorite color is purple. My aura's purple. My birthstone is amethyst, a purple crystal. And my personality describes purple traits - spiritual, mystical, unconventional, untraditional, eccentric, unique, original, etc. :)

My Daily Deed

It's warmer today than it has been in a couple of days, which I'm personally grateful for. I've been living off of TV dinners for lunches for over a week now. I must say that it must be suppressing my appetite cuz I don't find myself craving food as much anymore, probably because I know what I'd be eating. I go to work everyday, I eat lunch everyday, and I blog everyday or at least 5 days a week which is like everyday. I figure I should make use of my time by planning better meals. When I go grocery shopping, I should buy the following:

1) Whole Wheat Bread
2) Deli Meat
3) Hummus Spread
4) Tomatoes
5) Avocados
6) Baby Carrots

A Lil About Me Feature of the Month

1. When I was younger, I wanted to grow up to be Kristi Yamaguchi. I thouht she was so beautiful, talented, and the most graceful figure skater. She was always smiling and looked so happy and free. I envied and desired that desperately. But as it turns out, I couldn't even stand on ice without keeping from falling. Forget about moving forward! But last year for the first time in my life, I was able to ice skate. I needed a friend's help. But at the end, I skated off without anyone's help. Of course that was a considerably short range and nonetheless a HUGE deal for me. Not only because I accomplished something I've struggled with my entire life but cuz I've had friends who are professional figure skaters and several of their trainers have failed to teach me how to skate. Yipee!

2. If I had money I can afford to spend or felt comfortable spending, I'd treat myself to a facial cuz my skin can use the maintenance. For a similar reason, I'd want to indulge in a massage to both relax and restore balance and health to my body. Being such a tense person, I'm sure I could use the pampering. It's more than just a treat; it's good for my health. I'm already incredibly limber but with the right massage, I find myself far more limber, lighter, and have a much wider range of movement. I'd also get my aura reading done and see a psychic. I also want to treat myself to sexy but tasteful lingerie. I'd like to expand my art collection, as well.

3. I have rocks sitting on top of my drain in my bathroom sink. It's considered good feng shui cuz it allows the energy to travel slowly, rather than just flush and race down the drain. Plus I like surrounding my home with earthly elements. Or rather elements that symbolize the earth, water, fire, and air. But I've had the same rocks for a while now. Instead of replacing them with new rocks, I'd like to fill that space with polished gemstones.

4. I'm grateful that I joined a yoga membership. But now I'm also interested in exploring cardio ballet.

5. I began art journaling and I enjoy it.

6. I had a recent epiphany that I'd very much be interested in becoming a Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach. I'm already considerably familiar with holistic nutrition, cooking, and creating menus for specialized diets from my previous catering experience. I require less time in school than becoming a nutritionist which means less tuition fees and I can start earning money sooner. I'm really curious to see where this takes me.

7. Maybe this is nothing to write home about, but I'm really interested in making chili in the slow cooker! :D

8. I like hanging out at eclectic coffee lounges with comfy couches and an infusion of various design themes and decorating styles that display local artists' works.

9. I was born left-handed but switched at birth.

10. If I could have any super powers, it'd be the ability to manifest food at will. Undeniably I'm indulging the piggy in me, but it's so much more than accessible gluttony. It's a financially beneficial power to have. By saving money on food, I can invest my money towards lucrative opportunities I wouldn't otherwise have. I can also help starving people all over the world. If I can manifest food at will, I can manifest food in any location of my desire; I can manifest food of superior quality and nourishment.

A Lil About Me

1) Some of my favorite simple indulgences include enjoying a deliciously ripe avocado lightly salted, snuggling with someone special, having meangful conversations so powerful that it resonates in me even months or years down the line, feeling pretty, bubble baths, going to the farmer's markets, eating raw oysters, being inspired by decorative photos and craft projects, and See's chocolate.

2) One of my favorite things is when shampoo, conditioners, body lotions, things like that come with a pump. That small nifty gadget makes my life all the more easier. Seriously!

3) I have the ability to make friends quickly and easily. I'm friendly, conversational, and usually I intuitively sense a common interest or topic that allows me to bond with others.

4) I'm interested in many things - writing, poetry, psychology, philosophy, physical anthropology, religious studies, spirituality, nutrition, holistic health, meditation, beauty, fashion, interior decorating, ethnography, dance history, fitness, cooking, container gardening, crafts, abstract and conceptual ideas, debating, communications, languages, sexuality, nature, bartending, and random facts.

5) Compared or described to with an animal, I've been told the following - a squirrel cuz they're cute and spend all day searching for food just like me! :) A good friend of mine narrowed it down to three different animals - a dragon for ancient wisdom, a cat cuz I have a side of playfulness and I usually get my way without really trying, and a monkey cuz they're fucking crazy! LOL A goose - that explanation wasn't really elaborated. My friend said he saw geese at the park, and they have a lot of character. He said I'd have to see them to gain more insight. The same friend also described me to a gekko like the one from the Geico commercial. At first I was startled but his explanation made a lot of sense. He said the gekko's small, cute, everyone loves him, he's friendly, and he likes the sun. :)

Lessons for the Future

I began texting with a friend who wished me a Happy New Year…..Eve and asked him if he was doing anything special. He responded with it’s all pretty special but I know what you mean. He’s not much for the glamour of things, which I appreciate. I expressed how to me it’s just another year. New Year’s symbolizes something meaningful because of the power we give it, and although it’s beneficial to dedicate a time where we focus and prioritize on our future, it doesn’t mean much to me. It’s true and yet facebook has a way of expanding my train of thought.

For some people, it’s more than just another year to knock off the list and appreciate it as an annual tradition, but it’s truly a meaningful event in their lives. I have friends that have survived divorces and been stronger for it, attended their children’s funeral, and went through some of the most devastating experiences. But they’re changed by it and they’re left feeling empowered and grateful because after a long tedious, struggle, they’ve come out on the other end. They’re finally beginning to feel and understand the value of the pain they had to endure to be where they are today. I’m moved by their experiences just by reading it on their statuses. It’s heartwarming to know that they’ve evolved and grown into more conducive individuals.

My life hasn’t been quite the rollercoaster. I went through a Hellish experience at age 24. Then at age 25, I was recovering from it. At 26, I began processing it. At 27 is when I became receptive and understanding to the lessons. But somewhere along the line, I also became stagnant and under stimulated, which I suppose is understandable considering how intense the past few years have been for me.

I’m now ready to approach 28. I feel like I’ve spent enough time in hiding, contemplation, and recovery. I have no idea what’s in store for me, but I want to take this time to chronicle what I’ve learned. Those things are important to give attention to.

1. Don’t feel bad cutting people out of your life.

This has something I thought I was relatively comfortable with because I haven no problem being honest or direct. But when things aren’t black and white, I find myself floating around and waiting until things become irrefutably unacceptable. During this process I’m making myself vulnerable to it. I try to give people chances and not everyone is blatant in their disrespect. Some people are subtle and cowardly about it.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people make plans with me and not cancel but just don’t show up at all. It puts me an uncomfortable predicament where I find myself feeling guilty, whiny, and self-entitled because it disrupts my entire schedule. I live in LA, and I don’t drive. I can’t just occupy my time doing something else until you give me a ring and then meet up with you when you call by hopping on the freeway. I don’t have that luxury. But it’s not anyone else’s fault that I don’t drive. So emphasizing it makes me feel bad, but it doesn’t take away from the truth. It’s definitely a factor. Then again, it’s not even a factor that should be brought up.

In the world of texting, you can’t let me know you won’t be able to make it? Sometimes technology goes haywire. So I give the benefit of the doubt and I’ll call, assuming the text didn’t go through. There are times there’s no reception, but calls don’t go straight to voicemail. I yet again make allowances. Then perhaps I’ll try fbing them, but don’t I sound stalkerish at this point? Of course I do!

I’m frustrated with the efforts I have to put in and feeling insecure about my actions. If someone were to describe my behavior, I might understand why this person is being avoided, which of course leads me down a spiraling emotion of inadequacy. The direction I take it is on me, but being put in this position was unfair and I wasn’t alone in it. We all get faced with things we don’t necessarily want to do, and we all indulge in escapism at some point. But we’re adults now.

We’re responsible for our actions. If we don’t want to spend time with certain people, we should be honest and direct about it. What’s worse is I’m not always the one initiating the hang out, making people vulnerable to not telling the truth. These same people who ditch me are the ones that not only talk about making plans, but select the dates themselves. So then I feel guilty when my intuition tells me my friends are lying because I don’t want to think negatively of my friends, and honestly their behaviors are unintelligent. I consider most of them to be bright people.

I basically invest a lot of energy running in circles and not accepting my intuition. I may care about certain people, and I may even miss them. But that doesn’t mean I should continue to make allowances for them. As great as it would be to catch up and have a great time, I’d rather surround myself with genuine and honest people. So it’s okay to stop putting effort into people like this. It’s okay.

2. Things always become more difficult with resistance.

Why is it that we complain about how things are so complicated and difficult, but we, ourselves, behave in a way that sustains it? It’s illogical, but we do it anyways. It’s so innate in us that I don’t think many of us realize how our actions are, at times, the very source of difficulty. We subconsciously do things we aren’t aware of. That can leave us helpless and vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand it because it’s only through awareness will we be able to correct it.

3. Without effort, there will be no progress.

As an adolescent, I was full of energy that poured out of me in different ways. I was stubborn, resilient, difficult, and persistent. I prided myself on not surrendering or weakening when surrounded by people who only believed in my failure. I was ruthless in my pursuit to prove them wrong. I wasted so much energy into something that I should’ve never given attention to because people who are going to be singleminded and judgmental about me aren’t going to become open-minded because I did what they doubted I could do. In my experience, they become insulted that I proved them wrong. Do I really want the approval of people like that anyways? Not really.

When I finally had that epiphany and I decided to do what I wanted to do, I found myself at a loss. Without others doubting me and being presented with obstacles to overcome, I wasn’t motivated to do much. There was no passion or desire in my actions. I’ve spent so much time trying to find what I want to invest my time that I’m becoming discouraged.

I may be interested in something conceptually, but there aren’t enough details for me to make an informed decision. So then I’m not inclined to put in the extensive amount of effort to explore it. It’s a vicious cycle. What’s a girl to do?

I certainly don’t like it, and I find myself often discouraged. But never have I considered giving up. I take more breaks than I’m proud of to regroup when I feel like I haven’t done much, but I won’t give up, which means I have to keep going. So I have to constantly remind myself that I do all of this because I want to find purpose and meaningful in my life and in my actions. “Without effort, there will be no progress.” However discouraging and put off I am about putting in the effort, it must be done to reach my destination. End of story. No matter how much I despise it and complain about it, it must be done!

4. Make decisions based on my intuition.

First I had to accept that I was experiencing intuition and recognize it for what it is. Then I had to be receptive to it because if I wasn’t, I didn’t know what I was experiencing. I felt this dull, un-definable sense of feeling that plagued me and felt out of place. I couldn’t shake the feeling, either. It became disruptive until it became almost background noise that I got used to.

Now I know what it is. I trust it enough to guide my friends with it. I trust in my ability to be intuitive and accurate. But I still hesitate in executing decisions based on it. It isn’t because I have doubts in my ability; it’s that I take comfort in the familiar. However, my intuition is there to guide me in the right direction. If I ignore it, there are consequences that occur. They keep trying to instill the same lesson in me. Next time listen to avoid this. And that’s what I have to do.

Breathing and Crying Makes Us Human

It’s amazing how we develop habits that are damaging for us. With our superior intelligence, we continue to fail ourselves by neglecting what makes us human. As we get older and become more educated, rather than becoming wiser, sometimes we manage to forget what children naturally know. No matter how hard times get, we should never forget that we’ve been put on this world to experience life as people – as people with feelings and desires.

Fear gets a bad rep because of the damage it causes in people, but that’s only because we damage the function fear’s supposed to serve. Fear is an innate trait in us because it can protect us and keep us alive. Yet we abuse it. We’re fortunate in the animal kingdom to possess higher intelligence AND intuition. But it’s like we’ve extracted all of the negative consequences we can get out of them and wear that and continue to attract and mirror other people who do the same. What kind of shit is that? I mean, really, think about it for a moment.

Crying is seen as weak when really it’s caused by intense emotional experiences. But not every emotional experience is negative. And yet even the good tears are generally responded with people rolling their eyes. Most of us have an involuntary response of resisting or suppressing the act of crying. Crying is a natural reaction, and we’ve developed an unnatural, involuntary defense against it.

I know I have. And lately I’ve been doing it more than I have in a really long while. I usually feel better afterwards, too, but I can’t shake my desperation to keep it all in. Today I came across an article that gave “7 Good Reasons to Cry: The Healing Properties of Tears”. I’ll attach the details at the end of this entry, but I want to get my point across first.

I realized I’m making the same mistake with crying as I did with breathing. I’m about to start sounding special real soon, but it is what it is. I don’t have the best breathing habits, and it does have to do with my past and upbringing. I was exposed to a lot of stress, but I’m an adult now. Aside from the fact that my past is a part of me, I’m no longer in that kind of an environment. But I’ve carried over my negative habits of negligent breathing.

As an adult, I attempted my first breathing exercise. It left me hyperventilating and my pupils became dilated. Apparently my body wasn’t used to that much oxygen that it had the adverse effect much in the same way people who are used to drinking dirt water die from drinking fresh water because extreme changes in exposure has a way of shocking us. Breathing is necessary and beneficial. It’s what keeps us alive. But it’s understandable to deduce that I should eliminate anything from my life that leaves me debilitated.

Obviously, I didn’t give up breathing all together. But it was six or seven years later that I explored breathing meditation again. It was after a good friend of mine found me impressing for being able to reach an altered state of mind through breathing because most people take drugs to get that affect. I guess it was evident in my dilated pupils. I’m not suggesting everyone tries to get a high.

My point is that I single-mindedly eliminated something positive from my life because of one isolated negative experience. I imagine we all do that, and we shouldn’t. When bad things contaminate something good, which is sometimes inevitable, I have to learn to navigate within that stew of emotions. I shouldn’t just avoid it all together.

I do breathing meditations now, but I don’t do it as often as others do. I’m careful and I go slowly. I take breaks. Yes, breaks from breathing. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s better than feeling uneasy, high, and on the verge of passing out. Over time I’ve learned to breathe regularly without experiencing any problems.

Much in the same way, I must learn how to cry and break down the barriers that are keeping me from being human. It’s an uncomfortable feeling and I hate admitting that I’m sad when I can distract and delay the effects as much as possible. But that’s another short-sighted perspective I have to abandon if I want to grow and evolve as a person. When I need a reminder, I have the picture attached to this entry. I was crying and when I got up, I saw that my tears made a heart shape. It's beautiful and it reminds me of what makes me human. It also symbolizes to me that there's beauty in sadness.

7 Good Reasons to Cry: The Healing Properties of Tears

1. Tears help us see.

Starting with the most basic function of tears, they enable us to see. Literally. Tears not only lubricate our eyeballs and eyelids, they also prevent dehydration of our various mucous membranes. No lubrication, no eyesight. Writes Bergman: “Without tears, life would be drastically different for humans — in the short run enormously uncomfortable, and in the long run eyesight would be blocked out altogether.”

2. Tears kill bacteria.

No need for Clorox wipes. We’ve got tears! Our own antibacterial and antiviral agent working for us, fighting off all the germs we pick up on community computers, shopping carts, public sinks, and all those places the nasty little guys make their homes and procreate. Tears contain lysozyme, a fluid that the germ-a-phobic dreams about in her sleep, because it can kill 90 to 95 percent of all bacteria in just five to 10 minutes! Which translates, I’m guessing, to three months’ worth of colds and stomach viruses.

3. Tears remove toxins.

Biochemist William Frey, who has been researching tears for as long as I’ve been searching for sanity, found in one study that emotional tears–those formed in distress or grief–contained more toxic byproducts than tears of irritation (think onion peeling). Are tears toxic then? No! They actually remove toxins from our body that build up courtesy of stress. They are like a natural therapy or massage session, but they cost a lot less!

4. Crying can elevate mood.

Do you know what your manganese level is? No, neither do I. But chances are that you will feel better if it’s lower because overexposure to manganese can cause bad stuff: anxiety, nervousness, irritability, fatigue, aggression, emotional disturbance and the rest of the feelings that live inside my happy head rent-free. The act of crying can lower a person’s manganese level. And just like with the toxins I mentioned in my last point, emotional tears contain 24 percent higher albumin protein concentration — responsible for transporting many small molecules (which has to be a good thing, right?) — than irritation tears.

5. Crying lowers stress.

Tears really are like perspiration in that exercising and crying both relieve stress. For real. In his article, Bergman explains that tears remove some of the chemicals built up in the body from stress, like the endorphin leucine-enkaphalin and prolactin, the hormone I overproduce because of my pituitary tumor that affects my mood and stress tolerance. The opposite is true too. Bergman writes, “Suppressing tears increases stress levels, and contributes to diseases aggravated by stress, such as high blood pressure, heart problems, and peptic ulcers.

6. Tears build community.

In her “Science Digest” article, writer Ashley Montagu argued that crying not only contributes to good health, but it also builds community. I know what you’re thinking: “Well, yeah, but not the right kind of community. I mean, I might ask the woman bawling her eyes out behind me in church what’s wrong or if I can help her, but I’m certainly not going to invite her to dinner.”

I beg to differ. As a prolific crier, especially on video, I always come away astounded by the comments … the resounding support of people I know all that well, and the level of intimacy exchanged among them. Read for yourselves some of the comments on both my self-esteem video and my recent death and dying video and you’ll appreciate my point. Tears help communication and foster community.

7. Tears release feelings.

Even if you haven’t just been through something traumatic or are severely depressed, the average Jo goes through his day accumulating conflicts and resentments. Sometimes they gather inside the limbic system of the brain and in certain corners of the heart. Crying is cathartic. It lets the devils out. Before they wreak all kind of havoc with the nervous and cardiovascular systems. Writes John Bradshaw in his bestseller Home Coming: “All these feelings need to be felt. We need to stomp and storm; to sob and cry; to perspire and tremble.” Amen, Brother Bradford!

Things to Improve

After making it a point to address that I’m not going to emphasize the New Year, I find myself focusing on it more and more with time. But I believe I’m being productive and conducive, so I encourage this process. Unlike New Year’s Resolutions that are too vague to maintain and quickly forgotten, I’m going to create a list of qualities I’d like to improve on. By concentrating on certain habits and how I should correct them, as well as the benefits of improving them, I’m more likely to work on them. I’ll be taking an objective look and incorporating constructive ways to improve them. I’ll not only be productive but by expressing how it’ll improve my quality of life, I’m benefiting from the rewards effect. It’s like a teaser of what’s to come, that feeling of being proud and wanting to keep up the momentum.

1. Stop procrastinating.

Problem: I’ve adopted procrastination at the mature age of 26. With my OCD and absence of procrastination for most of my life, I believed I escaped this plague. How wrong I was! As I began to work on how I manage my stress, I became less tense about ordinary tasks like paying rent and other expenses. Although it’s good to be on time, it’s unhealthy to panic at the idea that I might not make rent. I eventually discovered after having to face those fears that the world doesn’t end when I don’t pay my rent on the first of the month or I’m a little late on my credit bills. I now find myself procrastinating in many areas of my life because I’m able to sustain myself in my current condition.

Solutions: Break the habit! The key to procrastination is to get started. Even if I retreat to my procrastinating habits, I have to transition towards my goal. It’s emotionally liberating and I’ll realize my laziness is unfounded, which over time will reduce my laziness greatly. I began adding positive things I’d like to do on my to-do list, so I’m more likely to reference it and knock down the list. As much as possible, I’ll combine both an enjoyable task with a less pleasant one such as doing the laundry while talking on the phone with a loved one. Things like that. J

2. Stop being so insecure.

Problem: Being insecure is damaging to my self-esteem and I see no benefit in it. It doesn’t motivate me, and I find myself desperate to avoid people who might reveal to me how amazing I truly am. That’s irrational and unfair.

Solution: We’re susceptible to the things we tell ourselves, even and especially through subconscious communication. Our conscious thoughts are echoes of our subconscious minds. So I’m going to take the time to express and appreciate my positive qualities. I spend an unreasonable amount of time denigrating myself, I can and more than deserve a brief amount of praise early in the morning when I rise and right before I retire. When I find myself with free time, it’s also a good opportunity to remind myself of my positive qualities.

3. Don’t look at the worst in others.

Problem: For various reasons, I find myself seeing the worst in others. Sometimes it’s to protect myself emotionally. I’m more guarded if I think negatively of people. I also think the worst in others when I take something out of context to support my beliefs in my adequacies.

Solution: In combination to acknowledging MY positive traits, which include being a good judge of character and surrounding myself with positive people, I’m going to give the same courtesy and remind myself of other peoples’ positive qualities. We all have negative qualities, and I sincerely believe it’s important to be aware of them. However, I become intimately familiar with the negative stuff. It’s now time to know the positive traits. By focusing on their positive qualities, I’ll appreciate them more and get a balanced perspective. It’ll make me realize how silly it is to highlight a small, insignificant detail. And we’ll all be happier for it.

4. Make allowances for peoples’ mistakes.

Problem: I tend to be unforgiving of peoples’ mistakes, as though we aren’t human. I can be unhappy or disappointed by them, but I MUST let it go. I should hold hostage of it, so I have something to scrutinize. It isn’t fair and it does no one any good but cause insurmountable frustration.

Solution: It’s all about incorporating balance. I certainly don’t make excuses for people, but I can afford to make allowances for peoples’ mistakes. Sometimes when we’re moody, we say something that’s inconsiderate and even disrespectable. One statement shouldn’t overpower months’ consistent behavior. Keep that in mind when you’re tempted to emphasize displeasure. The truth is if I stay silent, I gain perspective and realize that it really isn’t that big of a deal. Sometimes I have to remind myself more firmly because I’d prefer disparaging someone and finding relief in it, rather than disciplining myself. But this is about self-improvement. So I MUST overcome my challenges.

5. Develop discipline.

Problem: I dislike authority. But I find that without supervision and no one to monitor me, I procrastinate. The truth is I could’ve made far more progress in the books I want published. In fact it wasn’t until late last year that I gave them considerable thought. And even then, I’ve come up with concepts and titles. Really beginning to write about it is a different story. I don’t want to rely on external sources to complete tasks I, as an adult, should be able to accomplish independently. I MUST develop discipline.

Solution: Get started. No matter how little I actually produce, I MUST put in the time and effort because even a little bit everyday is better than nothing everyday. Eventually the amount of progress developed will increase. I can’t wait around until I’m able to create an adequate amount of results in a short amount of time or else I’ll never get started. My goal is to take the time and write 2 hours everyday.

6. Not exercising.

Problem: It’s so easy to be sedentary. Without motivation or drive to make a change, I find myself immobile. The idea of breaking a sweat is more daunting than the actual result.

Solution: The only way for me to overcome my hesitation of exercising is to get started and prove to myself that the workout isn’t unbearable. Place sneakers and workout clothes by the bed and slip into them every morning. Go outside for a walk. Even something low impact is better than nothing. Once I develop the routine, I can increase the actual amount of exercise I engage in.

7. Stay connected.

Problem: Life has a way of shifting us away from the people we want to stay connected to. Sometimes I lose track of time until I notice a huge gap from the last time I spoke with friends.

Solution: Try to dedicate time to reconnect with friends. Maybe I can reach out over the weekend and weekdays during lunch hour. Wednesdays might be a good day to make contact with people. Or in the beginning of the week, I can plan on reaching people on specific days and follow through with it. I have certain friends I really want to reconnect with. I told them I’d like to see them at least once a month if possible. That would mean the world to me!

I’m sure there are more things I can improve on, but I’m satisfied with my current list.

A Lil About Me

1.

*I’ve decided (if I remember) to incorporate this “A Lil About Me” entry once a month. I think it’d be fun!

1. If I can have only three things in this world, it’d be food, water, and happiness. J As complicated as I can get, when it comes down to it, I’m a minimalist. I can live off of the requirements for survival and the requirements for wanting to sustain survival. I imagine happiness will also include things like passion, ambition, friendship, altruism, discoveries, etc.

2. Here’s a child oddity I experienced. When I was younger, I wasn’t allowed to have friends over and my family aren’t the most social people, whereas I’m described as so social I’d die if I couldn’t be around people. My grandmother from Japan used to visit by flying first class, and she’d always arrive with many slippers. One day I grabbed all the slippers and placed them throughout my room, blasted the music, and pretended I was having a party…

3. I’ve been told I can be a hand model and would love to try that out!

4. I have an amethyst crystal that’s absolutely stunning and unique. It deep like a cave or a cone and large enough to fit your head into. I’m serious! I have a fb photo album labeled “The Coolest People Ever” with their heads inside the crystal. A gorgeous, vivid purple and what a beauty it is!

5. My favorite charity organizations are Habitat for Humanity, Haitian Foundation, and Heifer Foundation.

6. I prefer books to movies because I’m incredibly strategic and analytical that I can usually predict a movie accurately. Since I’m not that mentally stimulated and provided with all the details, I’m able to focus on my thoughts and formulate the outcome. With a book, even if I can predict the outcome, it’s more dynamic and it keeps me interested. I appreciate the vocabulary used, the simple but beautiful way words strung together, surprised by how a simple statement is expressed unusually, and I use my own imagination to create the reality a book portrays. I can be exceptionally imaginative and vivid. I’m also able to follow things at my speed. If I’m temporarily distracted from a movie, I can usually catch up by a movie version of skimming books and stringing plots together. But a detachment definitely forms. No matter how many times I put a book down, it never seems so abrupt because my imagination tethers everything together more concretely than a movie where I wasn’t involved in its creation.

7. I really want to decorate my bath tub with the word “Be-YOU-tiful”. I read that quote somewhere and find it to be incredibly inspiring and empowering. Over time I wouldn’t consciously acknowledge its presence, but it’ll have such a positive impact on me. I think it’s great for every woman to have.

8. I’ve never been much of a beauty whore. I’ve experimented with being a makeup junkie in high school but found myself quickly losing interest. As an adult, I find myself enjoying clothes that flatter my figure such as skinny jeans, pencil and tulip skirts, tops that cinch to enhance my curve, coats that flare out, tops that are long to create length, etc. But most of my money goes towards food! No, I’m not fat. That isn’t why I don’t make beauty a priority. I appreciate feeling attractive, but I believe it should be natural. Waking up early to make myself up doesn’t seem natural, but I have to wear clothes. So I’m selective in what I wrap around my body.

9. I’ve never really enjoyed shopping. I like online shopping. No long lines or fitting rooms. People are surprised by how my clothes seem to be made for me. There are websites that indicate the measurements for bust, waist, hip, all of it. That kind of precision can be more valuable than trying on clothes that may or may not fit. Although lately I’ve come to appreciate thrift stores like Goodwill cuz they’re unbelievably cheap and impressively organized. Rather than paying fines, people do community service by organizing the store. And a lot of people get parking and speeding tickets, so these stores are often impeccable. I can quickly find my size or determine if I’m wasting my time. And there’s rarely a line for the fitting room. It isn’t at all a dirty trashy place I feared it to be when I was younger. And if you go to the ones near rich areas, you’ll find many clothes with the original tag still on!

10. Everyone seems to have found that one song they complete relate to. I haven’t found mine. A Mexican friend of mine said there’s a type of music called baracha which is sort of like romantic, emo type songs, and one particular song reminds him of me. But he refuses to share the details! It’s about a woman who gets premonitions and sings something along the lines of if only you knew how I felt for you, if you only knew what I saw….

11. I’d like to paint a “bed frame” on my way. I want it to be an Arabian door with inspirational words written in Braille. I think it’d be cool.

12. I’ve always been more drawn to go to Asia than Europe because I felt like I’d experience more in Asia. Not because I’m Asian, so I believed to relate with it more. Quite the opposite, in fact. I feel that the more foreign an experience is, the more intense it is. I thought I’d learn more in Asia. I have a lot of European friends who have told me that I have a lot of European philosophies, so I should travel to Europe. Ever since I’ve been told that, I feel like maybe Europe can be a place where I can identify myself with others. I know I’m not the only person who feels the way I do, but that’s how it seems sometimes and it makes me feel lonely.

13. I think it’s dumb to spend so much money on a wedding ring because if you lose it, you’re screwed! And why pour so much money into a single material possession? If I marry someone it’ll be because I want to spend my life with him. What better way to build our future than use that money to buy a house or travel and share meaningful experiences? Isn’t that what life is all about? Or at least that’s what I think.

14. I really want to make my own chakra wand. J

15. I fall into food love with guys! But it lasts as long as Kim Kardashian’s marriages. A guy gives me free food at the farmer’s market or hooks me up with a free appetizer, and it immediately goes on fb! Something along the lines of “I’m going to marry the Luigi’s boy for always giving me extra chips!” or “I’m in love with that guy who makes greens and ham hocks.” You can’t exploit that in hopes I’ll fall for you. It doesn’t work! Sorry dudes…

16. My current random thought: I think canning jars are seriously undervalued. People pour so much money into cups, glasses, Tupperware, and other dishes that canning jars can adequately fulfill. You can use it to drink beverages, store food since it’s healthier than plastic or metal, is great cuz it’s more space efficient than Tupperware, less issues with lids, can be used to pickle, and even to store dried goods or function as a vase. They’re so often overlooked. You can use it to store all sorts of things. Flours, sugar, buttons, sewing supplies, pencils, or even homemade beauty products like bath oils and bath salts. You can make homemade gifts in it, too. There are so many possibilities. They’re affordable and durable! It’s also easy to heat up, too.

17. I think one of the best things I’ve heard recently was from a friend of mine who said she has three sisters, but I fulfill that sisterly feeling in her. That meant the world to me!

18. I was a spelling bee champ, but my vocabulary doesn’t reflect how advanced my knowledge of spelling is. Quite a bit of people have expressed frustration over my “advanced” vocabulary which frankly depresses me because I’ve been tested, and sadly it was revealed that I have the vocabulary level of a sixth grader… I’m sure if I retake the test, my performance wouldn’t change much. I read a lot more and put an effort into learning new vocabulary. But the truth is I don’t remember them, so I recycle the same words I’ve always used.

19. The two most effective ways to keep me hostage is with food and books. When I go to a person’s house, I immediately like to see what kind of food and spices are in their kitchen and their book collections.

20. I procrastinate when it comes to craft projects. I think it’s rooted from my sense of creative inadequacy. There are a lot of things I think I’m terrible at – snowboarding, for instance. I should never be allowed to go. Every time I go, I either bruise or break my tailbone. Most people develop a sense of balance, but I never mastered it and I experience severe injuries. It’s never stopped me from doing it. I’m an intelligent person, but I’m unskilled at a lot of things – rock climbing, bowling, playing pool, many forms of exercise, ballet, zumba, karaoke, video games, chess….but it’s never prevented me from participating. Crafts, on the other hand, I avoid. I’ll let an entire day pass as I feel physical pain from boredom and still refuse to start the many, many craft projects I’m interested in trying.

The Ten Things

It's hard to remember why I've kept my distance from my adopted mom and brother when they've always been supportive, caring, kind, patient, and understanding with me. That's the danger and damage with fear. There's this abstract darkness that influences your behavior to do what you don't want to do cuz it keeps you in a false sense of comfort zone. I guess I should just be grateful that I'm finally beginning to reconnect with the only people I consider family.

It's not fair to my adopted mom, but I think having such a negative relationship with my biological mom made me more hesitant to bond with her. Irrational fear. There's nothing more to it. All I ever used to hear from my biological parents is what a disappointment I am. Isolating myself from them made me forget about them, but I guess their thoughts continued to reside within me.

Since I've recognized their presence, I've began to let them go. I still have A LOT of work to do, but it's a start. I've also been talking to my mom and brother a lot more. Writing has always been the one constant in my life, and it's a real passion of mine. I'm good at it, and I'm always persistent. Virtually everyone has suggested I should make a career out of it, and while the idea appeals to me, nothing has resulted from it. So I'm forced to re-examine my priorities and take an honest look at what I truly want out of life. This has been an ongoing dilemma if you've followed my blog, but I'm FINALLY starting to feel like I'm taking it toward a positive direction. I'm so tired of saying I need to do something only for that insistence to highlight the emptiness.

My mother recommended I write 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. That approach is very logical and its purpose is very clear, and yet it's something I've never considered. I've put in the effort to do just that, though. Just like my mom anticipated, those two 10 things began to relate. Here's a list of what I wrote. If you're trying to decide what career you'd like to pursue, I'd suggest doing the same thing.

10 Things I Love to Do:

1. Writing for myself for emotional catharsis, perspective, epiphanies, and channeling that energy we’re all universally connected to (whatever it may be).

2. Having deep, meaningful conversations where I connect with people on a deep level

3. Eat food! Not just to be a pig but to really appreciate the quality of food and innovative ways it was used to prepare and make meals, discovering unique and unusual ways to re-transform something,

4. Have new experiences! I’ve always been diverse, dynamic, and open-minded. I like being stimulated and new experiences offer both an educational and emotional depth.

5. Help my friends, channel my emotions and intuitive nature in a conducive way. Everything has energy and I tend to be receptive to it. I feel my way around peoples’ energies or problems and can detect weak points, strong points, and then somehow gain insight on the best approach to help empower them in their goals and desires.

For example, I have a lot of creative friends and have been described as muses. I amplify what they already know but have suppressed in themselves, strengthen qualities in them they’ve neglected, and address concerns as a way to resolve them.

6. Discover new environmental solutions, multi-use from a single source, using something ordinary to make it extraordinary, re-transforming something plain and unsuspecting of something exceptional and making it exactly that. Basically I love developing ideas. I’m unconventional, untraditional, and rarely fit into any pretext of normality. So I have to individualize and personalize a lot of things to make it accommodating and appealing to me. I push the envelope a lot to see how far I can take something to the edge because that’s when things go alive. I want to see that spark give birth to something that would’ve never come to life if it weren’t for that extra little push. But I also like to do things differently, expand my mind, incorporate an unusual or uncommon practice to end up with something unexpected, and approach something with a popular and acceptable perspective but taking it a new direction, maybe with deviations or linear irregularities. Basically discovering ways to do things differently.

7. Study, practice, and incorporate holistic remedies. I like using mundane things for a powerful effect that’s unsuspecting. It connects and relates to my intuition, as well as my desire to separate myself from popular trends and façades. It’s timeless. It’s interesting, and as straightforward as it is, it’s profoundly educational and complex.

Pineapples become more than a tropical fruit but a pain reliever due to the enzyme bromelain. It gives things dimensions. You know how a girl or guy becomes more intriguing when they evolve beyond just eye candy but opens your eyes to a new world? It’s like that. You find ways to be constructively creative with things that ordinarily serve a limited or familiar purpose. Common things become new to you. Things begin to develop a greater purpose, and that significance continues to spread. The more you learn about how simple things like lemons can be antibacterial, furniture polish, intestinal cleanser, mental stimulant, etc., you become more receptive, intuitive, and conscientious in your actions, choices, purchases, etc.

8. Constructive creativity – this type of creativity I identify with the most because I’m very analytical and precise which are qualities that can interfere with a creative flow. It doesn’t always allow for things to form organically, but it’s also true to my nature. So I’m able to create something that’s most authentic and natural to me.

9. Brainstorming and collaborations – Everything has energy, and I’m receptive to it. I channel people and able to solidify abstract concepts into concrete and usable ideas and solutions to make visions more tangible. It’s difficult for me to make my own art, but I can see the art others are trying to produce and can help expedite the process and/or bring it to life. I need something foreign basically outside of myself, in order to make this happen, though, and that’s why I love collaborations. It’s like I travel into the multiple minds present, and I take and combine each of their essences and tie it all together.

10. Empowering people – I have a strong presence and have the ability to influence people easily. It’s an empowering feeling, and I like giving others a taste of it. I can feel the energy around me, and tremendous amounts of people are uncertain about their lives and insecure about many things. It can become overwhelming. Self-empowerment, on the other hand, is both exhilarating and grounding. I like knowing and seeing that I made a difference in peoples’ lives.

11. Bonus: I like dimensions, dynamics, diversity, and stimulation. I want to be kept interested. I’m more drawn to a little bit of everything than a lot of one thing cuz it gets stale, stagnant, familiar, and eventually no matter how dense the material is, knowing that it’ll still revolve around a common theme, it’ll make me lose interest. I like different angles and dimensions to things.

12. Bonus: I love eclectic, artistic coffee shops filled with diversity in decorative collaborations. Little bits and hints of flea market finds, worldly objects, modern contemporary pieces, vintage contrasts, local artists’ works (not just because it supports local community but also cuz it isn’t manufactured art, it’s fresh, different). They’re more creative, aesthetics is a visual display of diversity, and it attracts more interesting people who want to lounge and converse, rather than rush in to get their joe to go to their 9-5 jobs.

10 Things I’m Good At

1. I’m good at writing. I can express myself easily and clearly. It comes naturally, and it just flows out of me.

2. I’m good at helping people with their emotional problems, inner struggles, difficulty believing themselves, facing their fears, changing their perspective into a more conducive one, or in some way empowering them. My intuition highlights or brings to surface some sort of imbalance, and I’m able to offer some insight or perspective. I provide emotional comfort, clarity in perspective, and leave people feeling empowered.

3. Food related stuff! I can cook, I can eat, I can identify flavors and determine what compliments what, determine which foods are healthiest for various ailments and what foods should be eaten during specific seasons, and I’m also familiar with how certain foods are grown, raised, chemically-altered, and things of that nature. I’m knowledgeable in food from a thorough understanding of where it comes from, how it’s made, and how it impacts our bodies. I take holistic approaches to eating because I food the very simple but necessary, frequent task to be an empowering approach to managing our health. I’ve helped friends start their own catering company, create a menu specifically for people with food allergies, critique their dishes before they launch it at Costco, another major supermarket, or before presenting it to a reputable chef for a job at an upscale restaurant, etc. I’m very precise, direct, and provide constructive criticism. So my insights are often sought after.

4. Being open and receptive to new experiences. While I can be a homebody, I’m not afraid to try new things and, in fact, the idea of it very much appeals to me. That’s how I evolve, grow, and find inspiration in ordinary things like a simple hike. The newer and more foreign an experience is, the more it resonates and stirs a passion in me. Those are the things that give my writing an essence. That’s why I feel I naturally attract and gravitate towards worldly people who travel and have had an innumerable amount of experiences they can share with me.

5. Talking! I’m good at talking. I’m great at public speaking, and I have an influential and inspiring presence. My words and energy has power over people and carries the ability to captivate an audience. I can talk about a variety of topics confidently and articulately as long as I’m familiar with it. I can be interactive and people consider me to be interesting. I’m also very animated. I feel that I’d be good at voice-overs. I prefer long, meaningful conversations about philosophical and abstract concepts that are universally relatable to all of us. I love when I uncover or sense what’s significant in a person and drawing that out of them to somehow make it more vivid and stronger than it was before. In group situations, I prefer public speaking. I’ve done it before and found the audience to be receptive to me. In conversational situations, I prefer one on one because I’m able to focus more on a person intuitively.

6. I love experimenting with ideas and exploring my mind for possibilities of various things. It’s difficult for me to bring it to life, though, but when I collaborate with others, I do exceptionally well. I’ve had people who were planning to start a coffee shop or lounging area that has a focus of attracting a health-conscientious demographic share their ideas with me to ask for my insights and contributions of my own ideas.

7. I’m good at educating people. I write well, and I’m a good editor. I help people understand their mistakes but more importantly I give insights into how their writing can improve by making them understand their demographic audience. In some ways, I make them more intelligent and conscientious, so their quality of writing improves because of who they’re writing for. They evolve beyond proper grammar and fulfilling an assignment but demonstrate an ability to understand truly the purpose of the task. Why am I supposed to write this? Who am I supposed to impress? What kind of a reaction do I want readers to have? What impact do I want to make on readers? They look more deeply within themselves and project that depth onto the outside world. The more connected you become to something, the more powerful your work can become. I also educate people by informing them on the best foods to eat and other health related information. My friends have described me as 4/11. Even when I help people, I do it by empowering and educating them. I may just relay what they already know, but that knowledge is strengthened within them and becomes a more powerful presence.

8. I’m an excellent researcher, and that’s why I’m so knowledgeable. I study things I’m interested in. They tend to center around nutrition, holistic approaches, health, emotional balance, spirituality, environmental solutions, and finances (but in relation to how to live within your budget to be a healthy and balanced person).

9. I can make friends easily and quickly. I’m able to find ways to connect with people and strengthen that bond.

10. I’m photogenic. J I like the idea of modeling.

A Little of Everything?

I'm not sure where to start. I was considering breaking down my entries, but then I worry what if I don't have the energy to address them all? But covering all of them in a single entry, I feel more receptive to it. Plus I'm more inclined to write entries that focus less on me and I don't want to fulfill that temptation when talking about myself is most important.

~Know Your Worth (which will be its own entry cuz of its significance)

~Isolation, Alone, Lonely

~Parental Priority

~Splash of Hope

~The Other One

Since I've been thinking about my life

A Lil About Me

Here is a list of some of my thoughts, opinions, and perspective. Basically some things that make me me. :)

1. There are givers and takers in the world. I'm a giver/taker hybrid. I think it's the best combination and I'm not just saying that because it's the category I fall under. Givers have takers in their lives. It's the balance of the universe. Givers enjoy giving. Takers enjoy taking. The problem with this is that givers deplete of energy emotionally (and spiritually). And they don't take from others to replenish. Takers don't reciprocate by nature.

As a giver, I understand how satisfying giving is. But as a taker, I understand the value of having balance. I don't experience the guilt many takers feel when they need something from someone or somewhere else. I know that by taking, I'm able to harmonize myself and continue to give. As a giver I know how draining it can be, so I try my best to not overtake.

Of course, I fail. But I've finally become the kind of person I would want to be friends with. That's a huge step for me. And I feel like I can finally celebrate who I am because I spent most of my life being one or the other, never combining both elements. That imbalance caused a lot of internal conflict that polluted my life and interaction with others. I'm finally starting to get it right.

2. I'm not a racist, sexist, or homophobe. If you're any or all of these things, I don't respect you. I may not know this about you or have developed a friendship with you before I discovered this, in which case I'm unable to just stop caring about you and I may be civil towards you but know that you have lost my respect.

Don't get me wrong. I believe there are cultural truths to certain stereotypes and acknowledging them reveals to me that you have basic observational skills and can recognize correlations. I also don't mind racist jokes. I think they can be hilarious. Sure, maybe that's callous and in poor taste but I'm thick-skinned, so it doesn't bother me. It's when you judge an entire group of people without taking the time to get to know people do I have a problem.

As a diverse and dynamic person, I know how different people can be. Some people are going to fit into a stereotype. Some people outside of their own racial stereotype will fit into another. Some people won't fit into a stereotype. Everyone's different. Only through experience and open-mindedness can we truly evolve and grow. If you live a life that deliberately stifles that, I'm not interested in that kind of negativity and bigotry.

I grew up in a culture where females are considered inferior, and I loathe that. Women's purpose is to give birth, cook, clean, and essentially support men, so they can strive. But what I never understood is if women are so inferior and we're tasked to do things children can learn which means it isn't impossibly difficult that many Japanese men seem completely incapable of, how are you superior to us? It's a stupid logic, really. And how can men identify themselves as superior when you've never really been challenged by women? It's like a forfeit win. Do you really consider yourself a true winner?

We're all victims of social conditioning, but even as a child I had an unusually high tolerance towards it. I questioned everything and rejected notions I now as an adult understand why I rejected. I got a lot of grief growing up over it. I have no regrets about the position I took and the consequences I had to endure for standing firm in my beliefs. It's shaped me into who I am. Don't ever fucking tell me I'm less than you cuz I'm a woman. Fuck you!

I grew up in San Francisco. I've always been independent and a free thinker. No one could ever convince me of something without my consent, no matter how adamant the opposing force is. You don't like the idea of homosexuality. That's fine. I don't like it, but I believe everyone's entitled to their own opinions. What I do have a problem with, however is when people try to impose their beliefs onto others when the actions of others are of no harm to you.

On a purely selfish level, trying to suppress homosexuality can have a consequence on us. I sure as Hell don't want to end up with a closet gay. Do you? I'm not into the whole gay thing. I love dick. So guess what? I'm not gay! Easy solution. But the opposite position exists. It should've never become such a widespread debate in the first place, but since it has become one, it's a scientific fact that homosexuals exist! Let them be!

3. I'm Japanese-Korean, first born daughter of two very traditional Japanese parents. The ideal Japanese daughter, the ideal Japanese woman is traditional, passive, submissive, domesticated, feminine, and compliant. I'm independent, dominant, aggressive, a free thinker, unconventional, and daring. I question everything and test my boundaries. I'm more abrasive than I am gentle and meek. I'm certainly an acquired task.

I had a difficult childhood as a result, but both worlds presented to me had pain and difficulty laced through it. If I try to stomach what's unnatural to me and disagree with, it eats away at me. If I express who I am, I'm rejected and brutalized for it. But I had a sense of pride and relief, however momentary it was, by being myself. So that's what I chose, and I have no regrets. The pain that came with that decision eventually went away as I became more thick-skinned and comfortable in my beliefs, independent of others. As an adult, I'm finally appreciated for it. :) It's an exhilarating and comforting feeling that I wouldn't change for the world.

4. Most of my friends are guys. I'm not very close with my family, so my friends mean the world to me. I could never be with a guy who won't accept that. It's understandable to be jealous or insecure. That's human nature. I won't blame you for how you feel. I can however blame you for your actions. If you dare give me an ultimatum, you'll lose, baby. A huge part of who I am is because of my friends, and I'm finally proud of who I am. I'm an independent person who prides herself on her individuality. To strip my friends away is like stripping away at my identity. You can't fucking rip apart a person and just tear away at the qualities you don't like about them. Then stretch out the qualities you do like and stitch them back together. That's beyond unacceptable.

5. I'm not really the dating kind of girl. I think guys sense that because guys who want to date tend to keep their distance from me. I haven't really had too many of those the guy picks you up, buys you flowers, takes you to a restaurant, and pays for your meal. I usually know the guys I get involved with, so either he comes over and I make dinner for us or he makes us dinner at his place. I don't really like the idea of the traditional date because you sit down and go through a series of standardized questions that you can honestly uncover through each other's fb. How insightful is that really going to be?

Life happens when you're unprepared and spontaneous. That's also when people expose them for who they really are, whereas dating is a socially-acceptable diversion from getting to truly know each other and prolongs the facade. When a guy tries to be impressive and impresses me, that's a cause and effect. It correlates. I wanna get to the nitty gritty center to see if we get along for who we really are. It's not the positive that tears people apart. The negative qualities are the make or break it deals.

When you're in that dating mode, you're conveying this one-sided version of you which is distorted. I don't want to get used to that illusion. And it's such a waste of time if after all that you discover you hate each other when you reveal to each other your true selves. I'm not for it. Gee, I wonder why I'm single.... But at least I'm honest and real. So I'm at peace with myself. That's more than what I can say for others, so ha!

I just think there are ways to get to know a person without such confinements. It's hard for me to find someone I'm interested in, and it's even rarer to find a guy who likes me for who I am. But when it happens, it's beautiful. I wouldn't change it for the world. I want things to be natural, exciting, fun, and enjoyable. I've never done well in traditional settings. Whoever I end up with isn't going to tolerate that "deficiency" but celebrate that quality in me. :)

6. I fear being vulnerable. I don't like losing control, not having power. Nothing leaves me more helpless than when I start to like someone. That's when my feelings stop becoming compliant. I'm no longer the driver, and I become a passenger. I have no leverage or upper hand. It terrifies me. Most people love that attraction, flood of exhilarating feelings, the lust, but I'm weary of it.

7. Purple is my absolute favorite color. My friend calls my place the "Purple Palace". :) I love that description! I have violet walls and purple trim. There's going to be a customized talisman that symbolizes who I am and who I want to become, as well as a chakra that's customized to my height and body. As the title of my blog might suggest, balance and diversity is important to me. I try to have as many different elements in my home as I can have. Air - plants that produce oxygen (although I haven't bought that yet, I plan to!) Earth - rocks, stones, crystals. Fire - Candles Water - Water in plants and vases.

8. I want to publish a book on nutrition, a memoir, decorating, cooking, and some other topics I'd rather keep anonymous at this time.

9. Outwardly I may look like a gurly gurl, and I've even been given that nickname. I like to wear cute gurly clothes - tulip skirts and figure flattering tops to enhance my slender stature. But I don't take long to get ready. I usually look attractive, but I don't bother with makeup. I'm not into high maintenance and unnecessary time-consuming activities that contribute to illusions. That's just a form of bullshit that doesn't make me feel better because it makes me think I have to do this to be more attractive. I want to spend my time doing things that make me feel good. I like to be natural. And I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. Beauty is so superficial. If I become so unattractive that I need the help of makeup, I won't want to engage in that task because underneath it all, the truth remains. I'll focus on something more enriching. I'm thick skinned. I'm not that weak, whiny Pisces guys initially fear.

10. 3 is a powerful number for me that speaks to me. When I first began getting premonitions, I got them in waves of three. Three is also a very real number. 3 dimensional means that you get to see the person in front of you, you can touch them, feel them, smell them, hear them. It's life. It's also a realistic number to me. It isn't one-sided, metaphorically speaking. There are positive and negative connotations about this number. 3's a crowd. But there's also - who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. The past, present, and future. All of these things include the good and the bad. Life can't have one without the other. There has to be balance - an element between good and evil. I don't like to be sheltered or censored. Diversity is important to me, That's what 3 offers me.