Monday, March 28, 2011

What a Spiritual Experience

After a brief moment of mild depression characterized by emotional detachment, a sense of emptiness and indifference with a strong absence of motivation, I had to face the daunting possibility that this emotional numbness can quite possibly be or lead to depression, something I would've never suspected. A little while after I noticed this, it still took some time for me to "snap out of it." Fortunately, this was in the early stages.

I put a conscious effort to be positive and found myself attracting new people with a strong spiritual presence and reuniting with some conscientious souls I'm grateful to know. The timing is undeniably meaningful for me. My aura is predominantly purple and it reveals that I have an unusual ability to manifest my desires, and recently it's proven to be true.

*I wasn't able to write this when I was first compelled to and while this presence of spiritual growth still burns inside of me, its evolved. I wish I was able to freely write then because I'm at a loss for words, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's a sign that the experiences are beginning to resonate within me. Spirituality is powerful and more real than our five senses, but it's intangible and even ambiguous at times. I feel like over explaining is out of sync to true spirituality.

I was recently speaking to a friend of mine who's perspective has expanded since our last encounter. He's very philosophical and inquisitive, but he wasn't always spiritually curious and now I see him making a conscious effort to connect to it the way I attempted to years ago. I believe he wants to believe but is unable to. However, in time, I'm confident he'll become more receptive as I became and come closer to what he's seeking. He approached the matter in the same way I did, the way he understands the world, logically. And just as I've realized, his subconscious is beginning to unfold a fact many spiritual souls already know, that you can't intellectualize something so profound and outside the realms of the brain. But it's not something you can explain or teach someone; it's an experience someone has to have.

It was great to see him because he was my neighbor and I went from seeing him regularly to remembering him when he updates his facebook. But hanging out with him wasn't an estranged experience at all. He's still my friend I know and remember but with new dimensions. And while I haven't felt like the new and confused student, I've been surrounded by people who are far more spiritually-evolved than I am and I often carry the mindset that I want to grow and evolve that spending time with him made me realize how much I actually have grown and evolved. I experienced a moment of quiet appreciation.

I gave a close friend advice and he asked me if I went to Moontribe, a spiritual gathering that I was unable to attend because he sensed a spiritual growth in me from the last time we talked which was no more than a week and a half ago. And I'm attracting more spiritual energy than I have before. I look forward to where it leads me.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Friendship Aborted!

If you're a racist, sexist, or homophobe, WE'RE NOT FRIENDS! If you've already revealed yourself to be any of these and I continue to maintain a civilized interaction with you it's because I've learned that as natural as it for me to experience anger towards you in an almost effortless sort of way, it's an exhausting energy I don't want to exert. You're just not worth it. As distasteful as your position is, you're an adult. Your belief is one you have a right to have. No matter how much I disapprove of it, that's undeniable.

When I was younger, I was a lot more intolerant, hot-tempered, and susceptibly confrontational. Those were undeniably leading factors but deep down inside, I thought maybe if I screamed violently enough, those imbecile thoughts of yours would burst and you might change as you gain new experiences. But since I'm older now and although people can go a lifetime without some of the most basic and fundamental of experiences, I've resorted to assuming that you've had time to make the most informed decision you'll allow yourself to make.

It's easier for me emotionally to accept this, too. I've got enough things to stress about in life. You're certainly not worth my energy. It's interesting how people don't realize they're wearing blinders. We perceive the world through our own understanding, our exposures and each person's is different. We're limited in what we can experience, so to believe that your life experience is enough to understand how things work is arrogant when it comes to something like this.

Now let me be frank, jokes about these things I have a tolerance for. Yes, I'm aware it's in poor taste and it's insensitive. Maybe it's because I can be callous, but I don't mind exchanging a few insults to gain some humor. I'm not always the classiest girl. What can I say? Maybe I cross the line, but I'm in a gray area. Since I'm not the one who gets hurt, I don't feel the pain and, more importantly, I understand that when it's a joke, it's a joke. Of course, not everyone will see it that way and that's something to consider. But my main concern is when you vehemently believe that it's justified and even acceptable to be a racist, sexist, or homophobe.

My position is inclusive to all three forms of discrimination, but what triggered this entry? A racist....former friend. There are cultural truths to certain stereotypes. I won't deny that. To recognize them is to be aware. I won't fault you for observational skills. But if you open your eyes wider, you'll discover that there are also inconsistencies and oppositions within those stereotypes, too, which is what makes being racist repugnant and unreliable.

Everyone is so different and unique. We may be connected to our upbringing and our culture, but we're also a separate entity from it, as well. Each person delivers a subliminally original vibration because of their individuality, unlike any other person. To dislike or hate a group of people over a generalized stereotype that's glued itself to certain races is a dangerous and tragic combination of ignorance and unintelligence. It's such a demonstration of how small minded you are because you only see one aspect and refuse to see anything else.

One day I went back to retrieve my water bottle but I was delirious from sleep deprivation and said I forgot my watermelon when, in fact, I forgot my water BOTTLE. There was no watermelon. The guy asks "are you black?" I'm not offended at this point. He says he hates watermelon and I'm shocked cuz I love watermelon and I share this with him. I guess it was one of those share moments, and he shares with me that he also hates black people, everyone single one of them and goes on a tangent about why they deserve his hatred. He goes on about how he abhors their ignorance as if he's absent of any, while simultaneously demonstrating to me an example of ignorance.

I'm left with this mixture of confusion, sadness, and anger. But before I elaborate on my reaction, I should probably backtrack to what he said so it makes sense to anyone who's reading this rant. He says that black people still bitch about slavery and want to get paid for suffering they didn't endure, it's greedy, selfish, unfair, stupid, and whiny. It's been fucking years. Quit your bitching! Nobody cares anymore. I hate every single one of them! As he's spewing all this, his girlfriend is looking at him both tenderly and sternly to stop. She knows what kind of man she got involved with and chooses to accept this side of him, but even she felt the need to silence him.

My mind was split. My heart was barely saddened by this outcome, as though maybe I already knew. The sadness barely sank in as my mind kicked in, rationalizing that he isn't worth any emotion. It's not tragic that he aborted our friendship; it'd be tragic if I never knew what kind of person he truly is. One side of me knew he wasn't worth investing a conversation with. Why engage in a futile battle? The other side wanted to react but was so bombarded with all this new information, it left me discordant. It took me a couple of days to gather thoughts the adolescent me would've instantly been able to address.

This is where my hesitation builds because this is such a sensitive subject and I don't want to offend anyone, but I also want to be honest about how I feel and give others an opportunity to make an informed decision about what they really feel about me. After reading this, some people may decide that they no longer want me as their friend. I hope that's not the case, but that's a choice they should be able to make. So I'll proceed in my thought.....

There are no words to describe how horrible it was for blacks to suffer slavery, and unfortunately it took much longer than it should have for people to come to this gripping reality. Those who lived a life of slavery weren't compensated for it. Not that any form of payment would justify or neutralize the cruelty, but no attempt could be made as many of them were deceased by the time equality kicked in. A true tragedy but to ask financial compensation for your ancestors suffering is albeit disconnected or at least that's the way I feel.

When a victim is injured from a car accident, do your spouse and offspring get compensated or do you, the injured victim, get compensated? That's the perspective I carry. But everyone's position is different and you're entitled to believe and desire whatever you want. Consider it to be in bad taste that SOME blacks want to be paid for their ancestors suffering. But what about the ones who don't feel that way? If you hate black people for a specific belief system that not every black person feels, why compartmentalize that every black person believes this? Do you really believe no black person disagrees? Where's the logic in that?

You can't be selective in your conclusion? Is it too much effort to sift through differing opinions? Obviously. And that's where his stupidity takes over the stage. Quite a bit of black people have expressed a desire for compensation and many of them live in the U.S. Of course, that isn't to say that Africans around the world can't carry that opinion, too, but this guy just goes on and on about this profiled type of blacks, as if there aren't other types of Africans around the world far beyond the scope of what he can imagine. To him, they all want a hand out, are ghetto, and uneducated.There are Africans in third world countries who have little to nothing to survive on and live self-sufficiently without expecting any assistance. Some of them never leave their home country and know multiple languages. He only knows what he observes and what he chooses to keep his eyes glued to.

After the burdensome process of being offended by his ignorance and callousness, I'm left saddened and in a twisted way morbidly curious of his resilience against open-mindedness. This guy demonstrated unintelligence, but he's actually rather smart, quick-minded, and educated. He can think expansively. If I carried his belief and thought all black people were idiots and saw how many blacks there are, I would've become desperate to find the ones that are intelligent because I don't want to think that they're all horrible. Wouldn't it be better if they were good people?

I'm sure I veered off in a selfishly discombobulated way, but it really makes wonder how people can be okay with being so hateful. It's a conflicting, violent feeling. It's unpleasant and negative. It has adverse effects. Why would you be content in that state of mind?

This actually means more to me than I'm willing to express. I don't feel that my black friends need to be defended for their beauty, maturity, success, intelligence, creativity, and all the other amazing qualities they possess because to me this isn't an argument I feel I have to win. This is just me processing all of this. But it was hurtful to me and not because I grew up in San Francisco and we're unbelievably tolerant or that so many of my friends are black, along with every other race you can think of. More importantly, my mother's white and my brother's white and black. They saved me when they adopted me. For anyone to hate them without knowing them is more of a loss for you than it ever will be for them. But it still stings.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Everything is Going to be Okay

*This is an old entry I forgot to post.

When you feel beaten and unwanted, it's hard to believe that everything's going to be okay. When I saw how pulverized someone is and I hear them say those words, I just thought they said it cuz they needed to believe it, as if telling themselves that made the pain any less severe. Now that I'm going through it, I realized that the sting burns just as sharply no matter what you tell yourself. So what reason would anyone have to lie to themselves? You're already exposed and vulnerable. Lying to yourself won't change any of that. So maybe just maybe it actually is going to, in fact, be okay and that light at the end of the tunnel isn't an illusion. Someday, probably not as soon as I'd like it to be, I'll be a part of that light and everything is going to be okay.