Friday, December 17, 2010

Just Checking In,

Lately I've felt disconnected. It amazes me how every time I feel out of touch with reality, myself, time, emotions, or some form of detachment occurs that it directly correlates with my writing habits. The problem with when I get like this is that I'm not sure what to write about and I get into a rut, so I stall on doing the healthy thing, to resume my good habits. So after such an absence I'm back to find myself again. There truly is a lot I want to share including an epiphany I had about where I worked, why I left, the strategically timed bartending class that I'm yet again struggling through where the special ed in me shines brightly, the openness I have to being unemployed, and the party promoting job that was offered to me today. In order for me to get past this, I do have to elaborate but not today. The money's good for tonight, $25 an hour and it's right next to where I live but I'm freezing. I could barely maintain my own body temperature. I can feel myself getting sick but I'm going to do this. Who knows why but I am so I don't want to drain myself too much.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Felt I Should Drop In

I feel so neglectful. Not having internet has a greater impact on me than I realized and yet less than I had feared. The problem with not having internet at my fingertips is that when I'm most inspired to blog, I don't. Using a computer with internet just becomes this chore and all I want to do is to just facebook and catch up on hours of TV shows that I don't really like because I've felt so deprived and I find myself trying to cram hours of TV into less than hour. Ugh! I can't even do any justice. I had a great epiphany about music and I'm so ecstatic about it but I refuse to butcher that discovery and beauty now in my mentally frazzled state.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Lonely Thanksgiving? Or an Independent and New Tradition?

Thanksgiving always reminds me of my past and relationships. I was with a guy for over five years and Thanksgiving was a huge deal for us because it was the first Holiday we could afford. I was never very close with my family and being Asian, Thanksgiving was never a celebrated Holiday so I was really excited when I made Asian friends who were excited about celebrating it because they've either never had turkey or never get to enjoy it. It was a lot of fun for me. But ever since that relationship has ended, a myriad of reasons have prevented me from celebrating it the way I used to.

Even after we broke up, two years later, we still celebrated together with our friends. He doesn't want to have to do with me anymore ever since he realized that he was still in love with me and it was difficult to have a relationship with someone he really liked. Or so that's what a mutual friend revealed. I can't really be sure. I'm definitely over my ex, but he was a really good friend and because he was a part of my life even after the break-up, I get sad that we're not friends anymore.

And I realized today that I haven't spent Thanksgiving alone since then. I spent it with the guy I was dating last year and his family. This year I really wanted to visit my family. It's not the family I was born into but the people I consider my family. I was devastated when I realized I was working Friday and unable to make it.

So now two days before Thanksgiving and I have no plans. It's sad but I guess this is what I wanted. I wanted to move out and discover what it was like to be with just me. What better way to get intimate with myself than to spend the one Holiday that's filled with social festivities for me? It'll really reveal who I am to myself. I'm just going to have to get used to being by myself.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I Want to Create Colorful Memories :)

I know I've been neglectful blogging, but I've been busy procrastinating unpacking, recovering from an injury, then a cold, becoming re-acquainted with my know that kind of stuff. But I'm doing great. There are finally no more boxes at my place, just small amounts of clutter that have to be designated and organized. If only that would be the end, though...I have like six more boxes stored in my friends garage I have to rummage through. And I have two small chests and an air mattress. And a whole bunch of pretty purple decoratives but no real furniture! So alas I'll have to bed a new bed platform and a mattress because as grateful as I am that my friend gave me his air mattress, it deflates every couple of days!

I've been feeling uncertain about something that deep down I was too afraid to admit I knew the answer to and I finally got the clarity I needed. I wish so many barriers didn't exist in virtually every aspect of my life, but I'm just glad things are going well. I feel like I have to work on my template to enjoy my new life, which is a struggle but definitely the right direction! I guess it all depends on perspective. Part of me felt discouraged because of the unexpected road blocks but that's life. And I'm beginning to realize that it isn't the flashing neon obstructions that matter but the subtleties in life many of us forget to embrace. I want to create colorful memories!

Colorful memories is meaningful to me at the moment, but I want to create overall colorful memories, too! I want to decorate my walls. I want to explore my creativity, an unpracticed habit. I want to make my own space, create my little oasis, and find harmony in my world, something I've never had before and it's something I feel could honestly happen. But in order for that to happen I have to get to work on time. If I screw up even once before April of next year, I lose my job! Why am I always walking on a jump rope?

*Didn't have time to edit this so if it's all garbled up, that's why!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Embracing the New Chapter in my Life

So lately I've been feeling blue. Things aren't quite going the way I had expected in certain aspects of my life. I envisioned having my own place to be a liberating experience. Instead I get into a car accident, lose a friend, found myself slightly immobile, and I felt trapped in a box that looked like it was attacked by boxes. I didn't dwell on feeling discouraged, which is my first mistake because even when I ignore my feelings it always finds an outlet, another manifestation process. This time it was my immune system under attack. I could feel myself getting weaker and I was tired.

When a really good friend of mine who in all honesty sounded like crap made the time to check up on me in spite of the issues and pain going on in his life, it instantly changed something within me. I'm far from satisfied with my life but ignoring it because I don't want to pout about it doesn't work. If anything when I can't avoid it, it gushes out. The most difficult thing to change and the only thing I can change is my frame of thought. So that's what I've decided to do.

My old landlord is trying to evict me even though I don't live there anymore. It's totally a personal vendetta issue because I'm not there anymore and it costs her more money to take me to court. Just trust me on this. She's lost money because of me, I've exposed her husband as the sleaze he is, and it's fairly well known that he bordered on stalking me. But I haven't been served yet and perhaps it's unwise that I haven't gone to the court house to pick up some unidentified document. If the past is chasing me and I ignore it, it's still there. However, my choices remain that I can either interact with my past or not. I moved out to move forward. That's what I'm going to do.

I'm not doing this to run away but I trust that if this is something I can't escape, it'll eventually find me. All I know is that putting my effort and energy into the past right now has left me ill, and I don't want that. I'm embracing a new chapter in my life! Ever since I decided that last night, I've immediately felt my energy return to me. My appetite has returned and I feel like myself again. Oh and I was approved a day off to get this taken care of and the documents I needed weren't there. Maybe it was just carelessness but I took it as a sign because I felt invigorated and powerful when I discovered this as though the universe was juicing me with this sense that it gave me a gift. :)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Unexpected Friends Who Remind me of the Value of Friendship, Day 289

This title and "reincarnation" of this entry is so much better than "I Shouldn't Have to Give You Instructions on How to be a Good Friend". I was in a situation where I really needed my friends, and the only three people I could really open up to about these things were unavailable to me. I was filled with resentment, frustration, pain, confusion, disappointment, selfishness, hypocrisy, and such negativity. I'll elaborate on it and I feel like my position was mostly valid, but it's such an unhealthy perspective to carry. Now I feel like I can step back and see the big picture instead of the distortion I was focusing on.

Every action has a consequence. Sometimes that's a good thing. If I had written an entry when I felt abandoned, I believe it would've been written well and it would've been very powerful. But I would've channeled something dark. So it wouldn't have been emotionally healthy. It would've be chaotic and full of hurt. So this is better even if it doesn't have that same raw intensity because there are more important things in life than my writing. This is something I especially want to be conscientious of when things aren't going so great, so that I step back and meditate on what truly matters and what's worth my time.

I've been having premonitions about a guy I liked for about a good year now. Not the entire time but you get the picture. I saw some things I wasn't ready to face. He's someone I usually go to about these things, but I don't want to scare him and it's not something I really want to share with him. He's one of the three people I can open up to and if it came down to it, I believe he'd be there for me. But I didn't test it out. It's not his fault he wasn't there for me. So I don't blame him at all. It was just difficult being alone in all of this.

I have so many friends, and people remind me of that all the time. But there's only three people I feel I could truly talk to about these things and in this particular case it was only two. One friend, I straight up asked him if it could just be the two of us because I really need to talk to him. I was clear that I really needed someone to talk to, and he chose to spend time with his girlfriend. He invited me along, but this wasn't a hang out for me and I believe I was clear about it.

I hate being an exclusivist but eventually I was open with both of them. I'm friends with her, too, but this is really private and intimate to me. She understands how close we are. I told them both that I'd like to only talk with him. She wasn't jealous but absent-mindedly selfish complaining about how she wants to know and doesn't like being excluded. Of course, he chooses to accommodate her over me. That really disappointed me because I would never do that. While I don't want to hurt anyone, I understand how difficult it is to open up. So I'd rather help my friend in need than satisfy someone's desires to be a part of everything. That's just not reality.

I was mostly disappointed in my friend's position because I've never known him to be like that. As for my other friend, she's a good person but I find her to be a lot more selfish around me than around others, so I wasn't too surprised by her reaction. Don't get me wrong. She wasn't trying to hurt me. I know that and I love her, but she was just killing me!

I'm not going to lie. That night I felt like she was enemy territory. She has no idea how selfless, considerate, and overly thoughtful she is of others. I became the person who showed her and assured her it's okay to be selfish and it is. But I feel like I become the friend everyone feels comfortable being selfish around. I'm happy that they're making progress in their emotional self-growth, but I hate feeling like I'm the only one paying the price for it. I get the short end of the stick.

Her friend molested me once and she spent the better portion of the evening constantly alternating between endless apologies and the incessant "Why didn't he molest me?" and "how sad now that I can't be friends with him because I love how we can talk about meditation and spirituality." Really? Are you kidding me? Do you not realize how incredibly inappropriate and selfish that is to bring up at a time like that? And in case you're wondering, she believes me. It's just when she doesn't understand something, she runs around in circles and can be rather oblivious.

I don't blame her at all for that guy's actions, and I know she carries that guilt with her. I wish she would just unburden herself. But I hated how she couldn't just be there for me. And when this happened, she was another road block. I can't understand why she just can't turn her selfishness off for me, her friend, for just a brief amount of time. She tells me straight up that she wants to hang out with just him, so she understands the irreplaceable bond between two people. I may not be his girlfriend but a bond is a bond. She has to know that.

But I fully understand that regardless of her position, he had a choice. And he chose her. I hate thinking in terms like this, though, and I resent him for putting me in this situation. I'm a friend in need. He hangs out with her all the time. I felt like he was being selfish, a crappy friend, neglectful, and in a way saying your pain is a lower priority for me, enough to disregard anyways. On the other hand, though, let's examine me for a moment, shall we?

I'm pissed because my friend won't make time for me. I'm pissed because my friend didn't choose to separate from what's making him unbelievably happy to enter a paralleled world that isn't his own to help someone else when he could be where he wants to be. I'm asking him to strip himself away from happiness. What kind of friend does that make me?

I suppose it doesn't matter because he never made time for me after all.....

I have another friend who I feel I can share just about anything with. Yet we can't always be there for each other. He was going through a lot, too. I don't want to further burden him. I really don't. But paradox is a bitch. As much as I didn't want to bother him, I so desperately wanted to feel better and it ached for me that he was suffering, too. We can both be selfish and stubborn as all Hell, but we have this innate capacity to really be there for each other. We never let the perpetuating negativity consume us and amplify when the two energies merge. We're good for each other. I could've helped him, just like he could've helped me. And it sucked that he went MIA, so that didn't happen.

As much as I'm promoting altruism, it's undeniable the selfish position I stood on. After all if he needs space, that's what he should have. Even if I could help him, sometimes we want what we want. And who am I to really say that me being there for him would've been better than the path he chose?

I'm just really disappointed because I understand the desire to choose your own happiness than help someone else in pain because once you feel theirs, it permeates you. But I always do it for my friends. I have premonitions of what kind of relationship I can have with this guy that I've liked for so long and my friend doesn't know this, but I went to visit him instead of stay and let that relationship grow. I took a plane to make sure he was okay because he was heartbroken instead of build on my own happiness.

I know my friend sensed it because he asked me what I would've done this weekend if I didn't visit him and I told him to not worry. I lied to him and said nothing more important than this. He could see right through the deceit and I can tell his heart was breaking for me and he felt bad because he's a good friend. He apologized and I ignored him. That's what I did for him. And he couldn't even send me an impersonal text? That hurts.

The timing sucked. I felt so alone. I felt even crummier hanging out with my couple friend. Earlier in the day was fun. I made a new friend, but things took a turn as premonitions flooded me. I know my well intentioned friend just wanted to make sure I was okay, and I totally lied to her. What was I supposed to do? Ruin the evening by accusing her of contributing to our other friend being a selfish friend and hash out that jerk who molested me that she's already haunted by? What would that solve? I pretended to be okay, but I was doing a terrible job. She accused me of never being like that, and that really irritated me. I've been like that for months because of the new dynamics of our friendship. She was always just too oblivious and self-involved with everyone else's feelings but mine to realize. So for her to tell me how I am really struck a nerve.

We ended up going to a crystal house which was much needed, a spiritual experience for a spiritual struggle. That's exactly what I needed, and our ride turned out to be someone who was there during the best day of my life! I talked to him the least, but it was so refreshing to see a familiar face associated with a positive time. We totally bonded and it was just great!

It's thanks to him that this blog has a completely different tone. It's still really difficult for me to express gratitude, but I hope he feels it and understands what he's done for me. Just his presence, the opportunity to see him again, and taking us to the crystal house was just incredible. He's so laid back and we began talking about writing and the value of experiences for self-growth. He wants to read my blog and he's exactly the kind of person I want reading this. But I didn't want to give it to him without including this entry because I'm so grateful for what he did for me. Sometimes the most precious thing is priceless, to be there for someone. You were just a ride and a stranger, but thank you so much!

And when we arrived, I had an opportunity to talk with a spiritualist who that night became my friend. I remember I instantly sensed a different presence in her when I first met her. There was a group of people, and I was drawn to her. She gave me some great advice last time and is so talented. I asked to speak with her and she was so receptive.

I actually couldn't bring myself to tell her about what's been going on. I had her read what I wrote about it. She seemed so moved and not in a comforting, I'm there for you because you're in pain sort of way but in a I just hit a nerve and we now have a bond that's just ours sort of way. She puts it down and says in the most genuine way I've ever heard anyone say, "I completely understand." (And by the way that's a script I'm asked to recite to customers when we fail them, so I'm not moved by it very much nowadays). But when she said it, I felt something change in me. She goes through the same thing, but she had a different perspective but it happens to her in a different way. It was truly beautiful.

Thank you so much, both of you guys!

Monday, October 11, 2010

I'm Happy :) Day 284

I really want to take the time to remember and record this feeling because this blog is supposed to be a reflection of my emotional state of being. Some of my most powerful entries are channeled through my pain and struggles, but my happiness is sparse at best. It's difficult for me to express it, but it's important for me to have balance and learn to fluently express all of my emotions. I feel bad to take advantage of my happiness and use it as a tool. Yet I don't hesitate to splash my pain and turn it into art.

I don't want to elaborate too much partially due to my insecurities and doubts but also to the person involved. I try my best to keep everyone private, but not everyone can successful stay anonymous. As much as this entry is for me, it's exposed to the eyes of others. I can't forget that and it's something I never really let myself forget, but one thing I constantly struggle to remember is that this blog is for me and when I'm happy, it's for me to share and enjoy. It's interesting how I feel the need to express myself when I'm in a mood like this. Why can't I just enjoy it without choking on words?

Something happened that's been leading up to this for a year now, although it didn't always seem like it. Life was adamant to show me that you can't fight your feelings and some things aren't better left untouched. I've been getting so many premonitions about what it would be like if we got together and it made my head spin. Now that something's started, the visions have subsided. It's almost as if the universe was trying to lead me down this path and now that I finally began it, it's letting us call the shots. All I know now is that I'm happy.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Uninspired in Writing but Inspired About Possibilities :) Day 279

I don't want to force any writing entries especially about this and in all honesty I'm a little hesitant to write about this for a number of reasons. I don't want to jinx it. It's easier for me to write about pain more than about happiness. And even though I put effort into keeping involved parties anonymous, some identities are transparent.

I usually write as a way to anchor my thoughts, but right now I don't think I should be stabilized. Sometimes it's important to be a passenger of your feelings. But I also want to expand what I write about and how I feel when I choose to write. I'm happy. I'm hopeful. I'm inspired.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Painful Difficulties of Defining Myself, Day 274

I struggle with the barriers that exist in defining myself which makes me question if I truly do have a strong sense of self. No matter how crappy life felt, no matter how helpless, no matter how painful, no matter how alone I felt in this world, no matter how much I was convinced that the world deliberately antagonized me for its own amusements, I always prided myself in my strong sense of self. I'm independent, I'm opinionated, I'm uncompromising, I didn't let things intimidate me, but lately things feel different. So many people say the same thing that this could read like a clique and maybe it is, but I'm only me and I can only feel what I go through.

For the first time I feel lost within my own identity. I may have gone through identity crises or transitions that I wasn't too proud of but through it all I was aware of the changes that were occurring as foreign as they may have seemed. When I was sitting alone in my soon to be just mine pad, the power of the blank canvas began swallowing me whole. I began realizing that this is my own space that's going to allow me an opportunity to identify myself in my own space, and I have no idea how to decorate it. I managed to turn decorating into an identity crisis nightmare.

It sounds pathetic and I can't properly defend myself and say it isn't, but it was genuinely horrifying. My place is supposed to be symbolic of who I am and display my identity. For someone who knows herself, I need others to define for me how to decorate my own space. Do I even really know myself? Maybe this inability to make this space my own without the help of others is actually an insight into who I am and why I need to be away from others. I grew up fast, too fast, that I skipped a couple steps and years later I'm realizing from a distance how much those missing pieces are affecting me. It sucks to go back and fill in those gaps after so many years as I see everyone else progressing forward, but I can't keep existing with pockets of emptiness inside of me. That's no way to live.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Doggie Dog World, Day 265


I feel compelled to write an entry and the truth is that I have a lot I'd like to express, but I'm no longer in the mood. It's unfortunate how feelings and moods can turn on us. Sometimes I wonder how much we're aware of it and how it affects the overall outcome.

It's a doggie dog world. I have a friend who I really like and for the first time in a long time and even still, a first time, it felt like we might actually be making progress towards an actual relationship. It's amazing how liberating truth can be, but now I'm not sure where we stand. It's a doggie dog world. I want him, but there's another guy who I think likes me. I'm not saying I'm going to go out with him or that I'm even right. But it's a trip how much things can change so quickly.

When my friend and I considered progressing to another level, a friend who I haven't spoken to in forever invited me to a vegan dinner. That invite would've been a perfect opportunity to get some quality time with him, but it didn't even cross my mind. Now all of a sudden it's like something changed and I think he ended up doing something else. I suppose that's probably not too noteworthy.

I can't explain it, but it just feels like if you don't do something, something else will always happen. Duh! But it's a reality that hit me more than it normally does. My Dad spams me daily emails about the detrimental economy. I've been unemployed for quite some time. I'm in a crap situation which will hopefully change soon. I'll find out tomorrow. But it wasn't until I heard my friend talk about having to fire 3-4 of his employees due to a substantial financial cut that I realized what sort of economy we're living in. Hearing him talk just made everything real. Family, children, homes, as unstable as everything is, you build a life out of it. But it can be stripped away from you.

I feel bad for my friend, but I can't help feeling liberated by this change of events in my life. And I think I found a writing collaborator, so I'm really excited about that. My intuition told me that this is someone I want to get to know, but he just showed me the apartment. So I'm not sure how I was supposed to swing that. But every other place I tried looking at fell through over some extreme reaction and I got a second chance at my first choice.

It's not even the nicest apartment. It's very basic and you might wonder why I'm so ecstatic about it if you saw the place, but the truth is that I've always been a powerful extrovert and I'm a writer. Writers belong to the world of introverts. I'm not saying I don't belong there, but there's this disconnect. And I know I won't be able to harness my introverted side unless I create a space that's just my own. Where I'm moving to is easily accessible to my friends and a social life, which I can't eliminate even if my life depended on it, but it's also distanced enough that it'll make me receptive to personal focus on just me. I really look forward to that.

I totally understand why my friend didn't want to hang out with me anymore (the one who was to fire a few people). It just felt weird that I was so happy and felt guilty for someone else. I didn't have anyone to celebrate this with, which sounds selfish and I don't mean it in that way. All that I mean is I'm used to being happy in a collective sort of way, and for the first time, this was something for me to just enjoy. See this place is already gravitating me towards just me experiences, not a collective one.

Wow, when I write like this it makes me feel like I'm not an independent person but I am. I'm one of the strongest individuals you'll ever meet. I'm so different. But I obviously have a lot more changes that I need to go through and this place will help me with that. I can enjoy something myself which is what it felt like because I called another friend and he was in the hospital caring for someone else who has a severe leg injury. How horrible....

I go to work and share with my co-worker how happy I am about where I'm moving, too, and it's amazing because she totally gets it. She's moving, too, and it's a wonderful opportunity for her but she gained it through a series of unfortunate incidences involving the death of her neighbor in a brutal car accident. Obviously she feels bad, but she didn't want to pass up this opportunity that was presented to her, and I totally understand where she's coming from. But it opened my eyes to the doggie dog world we live in.

It's a doggie dog world. I'm not saying we should hurt others to reach our goals, but if we don't work towards our goals, it'll be snatched up by someone else. If I want to make it as a writer, I can't be afraid of wounding my ego or I run the risk of losing before I have a chance to win. If I want to be with this guy, I can't be afraid of rejection or someone will inevitably take my place. It's a doggie dog world whether we like it or not. It's our choice what role we play. After all, it's a doggie dog world.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Proof Enough for Me that my Intuition is Leading Me to Where I Should Be, Day 262

I'm not really sure where to begin or how to properly convey this sense of peace and knowingness that's purring inside of me. I've been living at this one place that's tainted with toxic energy. With every force there is an opposite, but even the positive energy has been contaminated and while I'm sure it still exists, it's become imbalanced and overwhelmed with the bad that there is no more benefit living here. Even the rent has increased, so I really have no reason to stay here anymore.

And it is was rather foolish of me to stay until I find a better paying job because that could take years. That's like putting my life on hold until something more helpful comes along. When does life ever offer me that? I know this entry sounds bleak and I don't intend it to be. It's actually a liberating reality. Some peoples' lives are sheltered and a breeze. Mine is not one of them. It's painful but it's breathtaking. I want to live.

I've been drawn to move to this area for quite some time. I'm considering becoming a bartender in that area. I'm confident I can do it, but I have to be exposed to that area to see if it's worth my investment and time. It offers me something extra that isn't offered here. It reminds me of home. People aren't hidden in their homes. The streets are trafficked with people. Everything is open. You can eat any time you want. You're surrounded by yummy food and not just the pricey snooty kind. There are bars everywhere and clubs. I'm not that kind of girl, but I grew up in that kind of place. So it feels comforting. The sticky floors. The exposed trashiness. The liveliness. That's where I want to be.

It's in an accessible area where I can be self-sufficient similar to where I live now but more expansive than I originally realized. There's a healthy distance between my friends and I, so it'll give me an opportunity to look within myself and become acquainted with my introverted side. But it isn't so isolated that I'd drive myself crazy. It'll force me to go outside of my comfort zone, but it's not uncomfortable, just new. That's important.

I was surprised that Koreatown is where I'm drawn to because I socialize with everyone and I'm not racist, although I do believe there are cultural truths to certain racial stereotypes. I always take the time to get to know a person before I make my judgment. I'm not going to say that I don't judge people because that's a load of crap. And, of course, I could come to the wrong conclusion and my personal biases can interfere with making a proper assessment, but I'm who I am. I can't deny that. With that said, I'd say I had the least connection with most Koreans as a whole. I'm not really sure why. It's just an observation I made.

So why would I move to an area concentrated with so many of them? It's a question I didn't focus too much on because after spending years of indulging in my compulsive habits of attempting to answer questions I'm unable to at that moment, I finally began realizing that the answers will come to me when I'm ready to receive it. If I really want my answers which I do, I have to stop prodding at it and give it time to build. So during this time I began looking for places in the area I was drawn towards.

The guy who manages the building has now become my writing collaborator. I knew I'd want to be friends with someone like him, and every other place I attempted to check out fell through consistently. After a series of mishaps, I got the apartment I wanted originally and I couldn't be more ecstatic! It's not even all that. It's a bachelor, but it's mine. And I feel like the universe has been guiding me to this particular place.

As for living in a highly Korean populated area with bars and clubs that aren't quite my scene, I realized during a grand opening at Tully's what my friend from work meant. He said it'd be good for me to be around my people. I didn't quite feel him, and I still don't entirely. But I think that's the point. Because I've never found that connection, I never made the time to go there. Now I will. It'll give me an opportunity to experience what I normally wouldn't take the time to do.

I felt so out of place hearing them sing karaoke. I'm so used to singing badly with friends for fun. It'll put me in a situation to take something I'm interested in seriously but in a fun way. I know that's such a small thing, but it's just an example used to make me realize that I'll be surrounded by new experiences. Lately things that I haven't been able to do have become possibilities. I want to see where this place will take me or where I'll take it....

A Trafficked Mind, Day 262

I think this title accurately reflects my state of mind and accumulation of experiences. Life is such a paradox. Why is it that nothing happens as everything is changing? How is it that as everything changes, absolutely nothing occurs? Those things should be mutually exclusive, but it isn't and that complicates it. And I'm not even sure I understand the concept, so how am I supposed to be affected those experiences? I suppose the best thing for me to do is to not analyze them and accept them for what it is, whatever it is.

My mind is overflown with countless epiphanies and experiences. Each meaningful in its own right, and it makes me want to provide them with the attention it deserves. But I don't have that kind of energy or desire. Something that's always been difficult for me is to snip corners. I need to prioritize which experiences are worth writing about and which ones aren't. Sometimes I think, man, I wish I wrote about this before the turn of events occurred because usually the change is good, but the writer in me knows I could've utilized the standstill to further my writing.

I guess I'm torn between the writer in me and the girl who just wants to experience life. I've identified myself as a writer, always, and only lately have I felt like there are other dimensions I need to discover. I seek the introvert within. I've felt drawn to moving to a specific place and I've been following my intuition, but I'm starting to understand why I want to move there and it gives me affirmation.

I'm a powerful extrovert. I love social settings and being around the energy of others, but there's always been that gnawing emptiness inside of me. I either ignored it and replaced it with friends or couldn't quite put my finger on what it is, so I barely noticed its presence or the absence of its presence. I believe most people are either extroverts or introverts. A lucky few have mastered the ability to channel between the polar opposites, but all they've really learned to do is travel between the two worlds. You don't really co-exist within those realms.

It's like this giant bucket. You can either fill it up with juice or water. The bucket's only so huge and can contain so much. If you try to pour both the water and juice in at the same time, it overflows and leaves a confusing mess. It's unproductive and dysfunctional whereas some people have learned to transfer the liquids out and replace it between the two beverages. I have a friend who's such an extrovert like myself, but his poetry is written by an introvert. Without reading his work, I wouldn't know such a presence exists in him.

I want to achieve that sort of depth, and I can only do that by myself. I'm going to move farther away where I know less people and it's harder to connect with my friends. It's also cheaper to live there, so I can have no roommates. It'll require me to rely on myself, intuitively. I look forward to it.

I began realizing the psychological damages of self-denial and suppressing my premonitions is more dangerous than I could possibly understand. I could be afraid to open up, but the feelings will linger. It's time I explore them and see where it takes us especially since we seem to be on the same page, both filled with attraction, intrigue, depth, reservations, fear, and this unfulfilled potential of what can be. We're both drawn to each other. I also look forward to where that leads.

Friday, September 10, 2010

My New Loves, Day 254

Timing is a truly magical experience that defines so much of our future. It's a powerful source that can either have this amazing life impact or feel like one of the most damaging tools the universe utilizes to brutalize us depending on how it affects us and how we choose to perceive it as. Last year I chose to work somewhere else than where I am now. After being in financial ruins, damaging my beautiful high credit rating, and resorting to a lifestyle that young adults have, I developed friendships I wouldn't trade for the world. Sometimes I feel like they don't feel the same and it hurts me, but above all else, I appreciate having known them and the way they changed me.

Everything happens for a reason. I may not understand why. I may be unhappy with the circumstance. But sometimes things happen and it makes me unbelievably grateful for all that's happened. Where I work now is far from stable, secure, or gratifying. I'm constantly on eggshells about my employment and on edge about haters who target me. But I love the people I met at work.

Even the trainers have observed what a close bond we had and they've conducted many training programs over the years. My friend once described us as his new luvs and I couldn't agree more. We've become this work family. You know when you meet people and it's just so natural to care and look out for them as though they've always been a part of you? That's how it is, and I love how receptive everyone is to this reality because I don't feel alone or awkward by over-caring in proportion to how briefly we've known each other.

One friend posted on facebook: "I really have to say that our training class was filled with all kinds of special people and we all made some type of impact on each other's lives in a good way, too. I did not walk out of that class not liking anyone and I am truly blessed to have met every one of you all! The friendships that I have made I am definitely going to keep! You can only find people like this once in a lifetime!" When we were talking she elaborated that we developed a unique and meaningful relationship with each person and we've made a positive impact on each other's lives. It's so true and amazing!

We talk about it all the time, and it's nothing my words can ever carry over which is both sad and appreciated because it's not the kind of experience that second hand reading should ever emulate. It's too meaningful for anyone to feel through words. That'll just cheapen the experience for those of us who are a part of it. It's too powerful for words to contain. On the other hand, it's sad because so many people go through life not meeting people like this. It's very much a bittersweet circumstance, and I feel so honored to be a part of it.

There are a few people who stand out to me more than others and you guys know who you are. I don't have to describe each and every single one of you guys to know that I love you. Ever since my friend wrote you guys are my new luvs I've been wanting to dedicate an entry to my work family, but I never got around to it until now. I'm really happy with the timing, too, because although as I've already stated it's a bond I can never quite share so to speak, I'm more connected to what I'm writing now than last month because relationships have grown and bonds have deepened.

I wrote this extensive email out describing why I began this blog and how I selectively chose people to share this blog with. It was detailed and I feel like I gave a part of myself by expressing what I did, but I mass emailed everyone. It, by no means, makes it any less personal, though. I met some new people in my life who I knew I wanted to share my blog with. One friend, in particular, seemed so genuinely interested and passionate in the idea of my blog. It really touched me, but I've hesitated in sharing this blog because I'm not as proud of my recent entries as I'd like to be.

After a couple months of promising to share this blog with him and him patiently waiting, he emailed me about it. I apologized for the delay and made both myself and him a promise that within two paychecks I'll share this blog with him. That would give me enough time to add some new entries and if I don't, I'll still move forward in sharing this blog. As much as I try to make this blog a place for me to express myself, explore the emotional aspects of me I've sheltered myself from, and a way for me discover and define myself, it's still a bit of a performance, too. That's an undeniable reality that drives me as a writer to better myself, to push myself, but it can also be a dangerous incentive for my emotional growth. I want to be proud of my writing and I want to write in a way that impresses people. However I shouldn't let those insecurities keep me from sharing this blog especially to people I knew almost instantly that I wanted to share these with.

One of my favorite emails I've ever gotten:

Sounds like a case of writers block… Just take your time with it, never force an entry. Be inspired when you write, I know that your gifted with the talent to write (I could just tell by your speech and your emails), so no need to press any harder than what your talent allows… Sometimes you need to fall back, absorb, and relax. But please, don’t feel obligated… I JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT YOUR MADE OF ;-)

How awesome is that? Now is it any wonder why we're all so close? And the purple's international. He indicated so. If I had written about my new loves earlier, how much they mean to me would've still been evident. But with every action there's a consequence. I'm really loving that. I wish they all know how much I love them!

Monday, September 6, 2010

A Succession of Experiences, Leading Up to Day 250

I'm not even sure where to begin. I've been struggling with what's more than an attraction to a friend of mine. I've been through the entire discouragement process and hesitation, both out of fear and out of what feels disappointingly "right." Whatever the Hell that means! I hate how barriers keep standing in the way because my premonitions deepen my feelings for him. And for what? Nothing to happen in reality? What kind of cruel and unusual punishment is that? But I'd rather not be the girl that dwells on a guy. I got enough crap going on in my life than to invest much more energy on an I wish boyfriend that doesn't appear to be going anywhere. But maybe I'm wrong? Hope I am...or maybe I don't?

My living situation is like a neglected open wound that gets worse and worse. I feel like all I've been doing is stagnantly complaining about it, and I hate that. I've resisted from blogging because I don't want to indulge in these compulsive thoughts and distaste, but this blog is supposed to reflect how I feel. Stagnancy is never good, but it's prevalent in my life. So I shouldn't turn the other cheek as though it isn't an issue because it most definitely is. But I'm finally making positive changes to alter that.

I wish I would've been willing to make positive changes without being driven the edge. I don't get it. I'm an assertive, opinionated, aggressive, hard working person but I tend to hesitate with transition unless it's pushed onto me. Aren't those two things mutually exclusive? Sometimes I feel like I'm a collection of fragmented pieces that make up a whole. Each piece of me is unique in its own right. It makes me special, multi-dimensional, insightful, and dynamic. But I'm also incomplete components, so I can be very half-hearted. These discrepancies have always existed in me, but the burdens from it have become more prevalent.

At least I learn from my mistakes. The motivation may not be there but I'm beginning to become aware of signs and changes before things become awry. I need to work on my willingness to make preparations from an alleged catastrophe because somewhere along the line I've lost that will, but the recognition and knowledge of it is a powerful tool I never had before. I used to mindlessly prepare for unidentifiable problems and running around taking those security measures to not realize the dangers right in front of me. I was so focused on the abstract, intangible, or distanced ones that I lost focus on what was right in front of me. Now I have a clearer perspective so when I am ready to take action, I'll know what direction I want to go and how I'd like to proceed.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm beginning to see through the universe's eyes. I'm starting to understand why I've gone through the pain I've gone through. Each experience has taught me something valuable. The rapidity of changes and the demanding frequencies is overwhelming but one I shouldn't deny. What am I going to do? Ignore my intuition and do what feels wrong because it's convenient? If I don't make these changes, inevitably it'll happen without my consent. I certainly don't want that.

This was something I wasn't ready to accept in the past because I felt like I was surrendering to the chaos but the chaos existed because I was rebelling against a higher power. I know this now. Maybe the only way to end the chaos in my life is to fulfill the universe's ultimate plan. It's not this helpless act I once thought it was. It's team work. It's seeing the big picture.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Driven to the Edge of Desperation, Insanity, and Eventual Motivation, Day 246

After having a severe case of constipation, I found myself glued to the toilet as ants were lurking. All of a sudden I'm finding ants crawling around the toilet seat that I'm sitting on and climbing all over my legs. How bizarre and invasive is that? It's not like I had a jar of spilled sugar anywhere. So where did it come from and why was it even there?

The timing is mind blowing. The weather's been crazy hot lately and that's known to attract ants, but it's been feeling like Satan's breath for a while now. But of all the days for ants to be all over the toilet, it had to be that day! The one day when I was going to practically take residence there.....My friend who lives right next to me found the source where ants were entering - the garage!

I went to bed that night feeling sick. I found myself slapping my face paranoid that ants were crawling all over me but just around my face. I guess that should've been a sign that it was more than just paranoid and actuality. I just brushed it off as a negative reaction to the bathroom experience. I wake up the next morning to find that the perimeter of my bed was surrounded with a swirl of ants like a freaking marching band! Why would they be all over the place and selectively around the perimeter of my bed??? What, did I smear honey all over my fingers and rub the corners of my bed thoroughly? It makes no sense!

It led me to chuck everything! I gave my bed to a friend who loves the generic tempur pedic mattress my ex gifted me after we had broken up. Two years after we broke up and practically playing Cupid for me and the next guy who also had a bromance with my ex, he bought me a mattress because he had a bad feeling that I would hurt myself on my breaking air mattress. It was such a sweet and generous gesture. It's like the ex gave it to me to encourage fucking the next guy. It didn't work out with him and then there was another guy. So this mattress has a lot of odd associations and unique history of my past.

I wasn't repulsed by it. But at that point, it made me realize how used up it's been and I was gravitating towards change, birth, reinvention, starting over, freshness. My mattress didn't represent any of that. It's a story of my past and it carries memories between the pores of the mattress. And now it was laced with filthy ants.

My bed platform is also a unique story and representation of my past, my friends, my persistence, the support my friends provide me with and the effort they put in for me, their dedication, their selflessness, their contribution, an undying strength, an accumulation of experiences that can be referenced. It's symbolic of so much. It's a crappy, aging IKEA piece. Some of the parts have fallen off, broken apart, and it's been replaced and repaired with real wooden pieces and even handmade metal parts substituted in place of wood. One corner piece I snatched from a UCLA dorm when a guy was chucking his bed which was the same model as mine.

I held onto it for so long for so many reasons. I'm cheap. I became attached to it. It was more convenient to keep it than replace it. My friends put so much effort in supporting my irrational decision. They put time and blood into it that they didn't have to for me.

But at that moment everything changed. All of these sentiments and attachments existed, but I was no longer clinging to them. I was ready to let go of the the material possessions that represent my past so that I can move forward. I tore apart my bed and attacked it as a coping mechanism to my roommate returning after an unforgivable and defining betrayal which was also an attack against my past.

I didn't know it at the time I was removing a pivotal furniture piece from a miscellaneous living room area that I carved into a comfortable spot that it would aid in my transition towards a new change, a new path, the direction I need to pursue for a better future. By seeing the vacancy in my space giving a sparse, uncomfortable, less homey look, it gave this non-permanent feeling like I'm between spaces and I have to fulfill the void and complete the unfinished task of going forward in my life. All of this happened by getting rid of my comfortable, affordable bed.

I had to be driven to the edge of desperation and insanity to reach the motivation I need to not be stagnant.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Moments of Life, A Life of Existence, Day 161

I feel dead with bursts of feelings, moments that make me feel like I have life, as if I'm alive but not in an exhilarated sort of way. And I hate the impression that that sentence must give off because it's not that intense or bleak. That's sort of the problem. I've spent my entire life being detached, but I was never absent of feelings. I was either detached and appreciative of it because of the benefits that came from it. I didn't get hurt nearly as much as if I had invested my feelings and put a part of myself into something. Or I would experience moments of feelings, feelings I couldn't shut down, ignore, or deny. I could go days, weeks, months, even years for the most part being emotionally-dead and that one brief period of emotion lingered and haunted me like a bad habit. It made me mistakenly believe that I did have feelings, enough to be considered human, enough to lie to myself and say that I don't have a problem. I managed to co-exist in those mutually exclusive realities. If I was emotionally-dead, then I couldn't have possibly been feeling much and that's problematic. But I certainly turned the other cheek. Or I felt intensities that convinced me that I'm a functional human being, so I'm okay. Things are okay. Deep down I knew it wasn't true. But I wasn't ready to face the truth. I just believed the beautiful lie that I feel, so everything's fine refusing to accept that when I did feel, the gaps in between from the next time were dangerously distanced. Not seeing that I didn't really feel much or for that long; I just misperceived it to be.

A friend has recently asked me twice about how work is for me and I haven't provided him with much of an answer when I'm usually really open around him. I'm sure it's because he was taking an interest in my life and surprised that this is one aspect that I didn't address when I'm usually pretty expressive. I mentioned to someone else briefly that sometimes I'd get premonitions of customers phone numbers before they provide it to me. That doesn't happen anymore as I've gotten more detached. That's something I would've shared with my friend who's been asking about how work is going for me, but I didn't.

Ever since I started this job, I found myself uninspired to write and even absent of writing ideas. I can usually freestyle. Very rarely do I have writer's block. I may not be able to express some things, but there's always something else ready to burst out of me. I didn't believe I was emotionally-dead. I thought I was just detached which I am, and to an extent it's good for work. But prolonged detachment can lead to psychological consequences. However when one's detached, those signs are like subtle bubbles that you barely notice or feel swimming around you.

I'm a Customer Service Representative at a call center taking inbound calls. I don't do telemarketing or anything like that. I get calls from customers who accuse me of being wrong, who are condescending, refuse to listen to me, yell at me, and crap like that. It's beneficial and productive to be detached because what's the point in putting energy into being upset over strangers who don't deserve my emotional participation or investment? It doesn't do anyone good and it compromises the security of my job and for what? Bullshit! I've got enough of that in my life that I don't need to add to it. But as I've mentioned before, just because I'm detached doesn't mean that I'm absent of feelings.

Sometimes I can't help but be affected by it. I can't really put into words how it makes me feel, but it makes me wish that I can crawl into his arms because I just know that if he holds me I'll feel better. All I need is that warmth, that comfort that he can offer me. But reality is that I don't have his arms to go to, and sometimes *I'm scared that I never will. Am I going to always be haunted by my premonitions about how that can feel, to be so close and unimaginably far away, realities away?* That idea just kills me and saddens me as if I'm mourning the death of a relationship that never came to term before anything even blossomed until I realize how extremely irrational that is and I'm left feeling ashamed over how bleak and self-defeatist I am and creeped out by the intensity of something so undefined.

Then I become detached again until the next time these feelings strike me and I'm on repeat. When will the vicious cycle end? When will a new one begin? Will a new one even begin? Speaking of will, a friend at work made a joking comment that any other day I would've laughed at because the timing was perfect. It made the hilarity at the highest peak it could be, but he has no idea how much he sharpened the blade and gutted me. He asked how my boyfriend is. I said, "What boyfriend?" He asks maybe that's why you don't have one.

It just expanded the emptiness I feel into limitless space. I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I'm okay with being alone. It gets lonely, but I'm not complaining because I hate being single. I'm saddened because the guy I know I can have this amazing relationship with who I believe likes me is too afraid to take a chance.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Long Overdue! Day 222

I should be sleeping right now. I should've blogged sooner. I can waste time typing about what I should be doing that I'm not, but it's time I start focusing on what I am doing. It's in my nature to focus on what isn't in front of me even if it means distorting the image I'm looking at by focusing only on minute details that don't allow me to fully realize what I'm looking at.

Work has turned me into a zombie. While I do call upon my work personality, I don't hide my identity in it. However, I work so much that it has consumed me. I haven't dealt or processed with emotions as much as I'd like or is considered healthy. But I have helped my friends out. In a twisted way, their pain keeps me human. Without it, I'd just be an empty shell at this point.

My friends are suffering, and it saddens me. But I have this silent intrigue and excitement stirring inside of me, and hopefully something will come of it. Only time will tell, but all that's been on my side is time. I want something new, change, progress, development.

Lately I've noticed that things I can't do I can do. This is one thing I'd love to be proven wrong. The insecurity and doubts surface, but I look forward to quieting them. I didn't realize until I began typing, but I sort of miss my premonitions. I had one this weekend, and some things changed or slightly altered today, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. My friend says that sometimes when things don't happen, you get a second chance. That's what I want, a second hope, another hope.

Sometimes during the briefest of moments when I'm alone, free of obligations, responsibilities, distractions, considerations of others, compulsions that consume me, I'm moved to tears when I think that I won't get what I want. I'm terrified to express that. I'm tempted to delete this paragraph because even though they're just obscure words to readers, they're associated and come from some of my deepest fears. Once I allow a tear to trickle down my face and slightly burn my skin with the saltiness it leaves behind, I'm able to resume my social nature. Does that mean I am broken or I'm not? I have this fear that expressions like these will be interpreted and perceived in a negative way that'll make people in my life hesitant to get close with me. I hope not.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Energy and Bond of Two People, Day 204

This is a concept my mind has both lingered and marinated over. Some defining experiences has left me feeling drawn to the energy I have with one person and some others have left broken too strong of a word? Perhaps but that's the one that comes to mind. My problem with this is that I never give it the attention it deserves. Neither of us do, and I'm not really sure why.

I'm not just left fascinated, curious, and intrigued by the energy and bond I have with someone but also the ones my friends have been facing very recently. A really good and close friend of mine has been encouraging me to pursue the feelings I have for this guy since it's lingered for about a year now. He says, "It's not over until it's over." It's frightening how much truth there is in that clique statement because I think we've both at one point thought we stopped liking each other only to realize how far from the truth that is when we reconnect. I guess out of sight out mind works to a degree.

We say a lot to each other. We express a lot to each other but never about what we really feel...about each other. That seems to be the death between two souls once connected. What's left unspoken...Not the words spoken but the ones unspoken. How long until I learn from my mistakes and the mistakes I see my friends make before I make a leap? Will I ever? Or am I just doomed to repeat the cycle?

How I feel about a person can be exposed, open, and expressed even without words. You can feel it in the presence of my energy. Even on email where the screen is white and black standardized type written words take the form of my voice. But just as easily I can conceal it, safely hidden from any danger, vulnerabilities, or risks. I tuck it right underneath the platonic chemistry, the foundation we built our relationship from. And if I really wanted to, I can call upon my "work personality" to project a one-dimensional, procedural character limited in its expression of anything based on something real or meaningful. My ability to keep my true feelings behind the transparent curtains has evolved to a degree that I can help to change his life without feelings its intensity.

How is it that we can be so open and be so censored at the same time through any form of expression we exchange? Text, email, the occasional conversation I'm privileged to have with you. *This is the first blog I've written in a long time where I've felt connected to it and therefore proud of its development because I feel like I'm giving a part of myself away. It's entries like these that I began blogging. It's nice to be reminded of that feeling. But as I was typing, my laptop shut down on me. That's what's been going on with me. I neglect my feelings (blogging) until I finally take the time to face them, acknowledge them, accept them, but as I begin to embrace them, I find myself shutting down and malfunctioning like my laptop just did. I know it's just technology failing me, but I find those two occurrences symbolic.

I don't know what to make of these feelings. Sometimes I find them to be a burden. How would you describe deep feelings you have for someone you haven't even hung out with that premonitions blasted into you over a guy you haven't even hung out with? Now that isn't to say that we don't have a connection or that we don't communicate, but it's undeniable that my feelings for him are out of proportion to this reality. Sometimes I'm fascinated by who he is, the actions that define him, what he does for me, how he helps me, how his presence makes such a difference in the lives of those who have been blessed to meet him, my feelings for him, how we are together, what we do for each other. But sadly most of the time our lives are separate, as though we exist in different realities only briefly encountering each other when we enter each other's orbit but only for a moment. Then as quickly as it came, it all just disappears but the feelings linger.

I wonder if he ever feels the same about me. Probably not. Then again how do I really know how he feels? I've been inside his head. I've had premonitions of him. It allowed me to feel what he feels, see things the way he sees things, and yet I'm at a loss when it comes to his most basic of feelings. It just goes to show you that you never really know a person.

It felt like he didn't mind my presence one day one way or another. But when it was just the two of us, the chemistry became powerful and romantically alluring. It never goes beyond that, though. And why not? I can try and protect myself from any basis of reality by trying to convince myself that he's never told me that he's liked me, that he's never found the time for me, but the truth is that he does like me. I just wonder why it's not enough to make it something more than just an intangible attraction. I'm afraid to uncover those answers. That's the real reason why I've been holding back. I'm not ready to be officially rejected with answers I can't deny because for now the dangling offers me a sense of hope.

The universe has greater plans for me, though. Is that why I've attracted so many people in my life lately that are struggling with the energy and bond of two people? They're realizing how powerful and fragile that connection truly is. My heart bleeds for them. I hope I've given them some sense of comfort through what I know is treachery. And yet I want them to suffer because that means they're dealing with the pain instead of masquerading it. Ignoring them or trying to replace it will only delay, distort, and damage a person. So I hope they go through Hell and feel every bit of what it means to be human.

It's when I help others and listen to the advice I give them that I realize how essential it is for me to follow the same sage advice that I've refused to even acknowledge existed. I'm not saying it's my fault that other people are going through crappy relationship phases. But it seems meant to be in a way that right now I know people who are because I focus on it, which in turn makes me deal with my own problems. Altruism. I don't know if I really end up helping my friends, but they say I do and they keep coming to me for insights, so I imagine I offer them something valuable. I hope I can do the same for myself.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Kicked Down to Fail and Even More Driven to Succeed, Playing Catch Up to Day 183

Sometimes I feel like I'm not meant to be helped. This is an outdated entry. I no longer feel the intensity of anger, frustration, and exclusion I did when I first had this experiece, but I do want a record of it because this blog is more than just expressing myself; it's become a reflection of my life and what I go through. I want to remember these kinds of experiences even if my perspective on it has altered because our past builds our future. What we choose to take from our past is what defines it.

Being unemployed was a full-time job. Everyone talks about not being able to find work, but many of them don't try very hard to obtain it, either. I don't consider sitting on your ass and craigslisting to qualify as actively seeking employment. I've done so many of what's been suggested by experts - going to job fairs, career centers, employment agencies, cold calling, dropping off resumes at corporate buildings, using past resources, and faxing resumes to companies in the yellow pages, etc.

I was so frustrated because I put so much effort and energy into finding a job, and my results reflected someone who didn't put effort. It made me wonder why I even try. But I'd rather fail knowing I did everything I possibly could than just give up. I'm not afraid of failure. I'm afraid of weakness. Giving up is a form of weakness, and I can't bare that on my conscious.

What I dislike about our government is that there are more services available than most people are aware of, but you have to be in such a horrible condition before even being eligible to receive services. I'd rather do it on my own anyways, but I feel like even when I'm entitled to it, something always happens so I'm left only able to rely on myself. In a way I appreciate it. Being forced to rely on no one but myself has made me stronger, but I hate feeling rejected. Why am I always the one left out?

I was told that I could be eligible for employment placement services, bus tokens, professional work clothes, and computer lessons. I found a job before they did, so that stunted my eligibility. I had to wait three weeks before I got paid and I was running out of bus money. I began buying my friends food through my EBT card in exchange for cash. I got clothes and all of these freebies, which is great but there was this huge block against what I truly needed to be self-sufficient - BUS TOKENS & computer lessons.

I want to take computer lessons to increase my future employment opportunities. Of course, it took them so long to return my call that by the time I was offered these complimentary courses, I began work so I was unable to attend those classes. Even worse, twice I was unable to make it to my scheduled appointment. Work kept me hostage for longer than anticipated. That was disappointing, but I'm okay with being late for a meeting that could potentially offer me freebie when my time is being spent so that I can be independent.

What really made me livid was when two buses failed to arrive at their scheduled time (almost two hours late) and the bus was beyond crowded. I was being pushed and there was no room whatsoever and some ghetto bitch started talking crap to me because I accidentally stepped on her foot. Did I mean to? Of course not, and I might've considered apologizing except she was such a bitch that my apology would've been insincere. So why bother faking it?

She knew it was crowded. She just wanted to talk crap and start shit with me. People were sucking in their fat and sitting on top of each other just to make room, and yet there was enough space for this fucked up person to continually and maliciously kick me. What was I supposed to do? Start swinging in that crunched up space? I don't want to throw down and stoop to her level. Plus the other passengers wouldn't deserve it. But imagine the position it put me in and how it made me feel. On top of that she was so sweet and considerate to this elderly woman that I would've come off being the crazy and unreasonable one. The last thing I want to do is make her feel validated in any way shape or form.

All I wanted was a stupid break, for someone to say let me help you to make your life just a little bit easier so you don't have to walk miles away from where you live and leave 2 hours early just to arrive to work even though you can do it because we're here to help only for the universe to put all of these road blocks against me. Not only did I wait so long and then get kicked literally, but I got a call from the woman who's supposed to assist me with an attitude for my delay. To be frustrated because I couldn't make an appointment is acceptable except for the fact that it took her a year to return my call! Constant emails, phone calls, visiting the building, and then eventually cold-calling to see who they're affiliated with and then using that resource of going through the food bank just to get a fucking phone call after developing a relationship with two people who work there and she has the audacity to give me attitude? I worked so hard just to set up an appointment with her.

I was pissed. I was way more disappointed than she could possibly understand. I was waking up at 4 am just to make it to work at 7. I was having a difficult time understanding the program used for work. It was my second attempt at meeting her. It was even a challenge getting on the bus. Then some bitch was kicking me in the fucking leg! All because I worked my ass off to meet her. It took so much effort as though the universe didn't want me to receive these types of services and why not? I'm eligible. That's what these services are for, people like me. So why does it feel like virtually everything was opposing this?

I spent the very little $ I had left on taking the bus there, which meant I'd walk for hours the next morning. I can't afford to walk and not make it to this meeting is what I thought. What a waste of money, time, and effort! Why did I invest so much energy into an external resource? Hasn't my life taught me anything? These things never work out for me. Just because it's available doesn't mean I should exploit it, but am I really exploiting it?

I can go on and on about how frustrating it is, but at the end of the day, the reality is that I feel like I'm kicked down to fail and it leaves me even more driven to succeed because I'll be damned if I let someone or something keep me down. FUCK THE BULLSHIT!!! I got better things to do than trip off of why I keep getting road blocks that many others manage to evade because no one else is going to buffer my fall or help me up. So what am I going to do but get back up again? People think it takes strength to stand back up, but I'm not strong enough to stay down is how I see it. I feel like I'll malfunction if I don't get back up. It's the only choice for me.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

This Job Surfaced my Insecurities and Past Difficulties, Day 178

I have to do well at this job. I'm a Customer Service Representative at a call center. I'm still in training, but I have to do well at this job. It's not because of the standard this company has, although it is a factor. I'm vehement to do well because this job has surfaced insecurities and past difficulties I'm not ready to revisit. I've attached an overwhelming amount of significance to this job, more responsibility than it deserves.

I'm intelligent. It's not conceited of me to say this. It's a true statement. I've performed impressively on a variety of tests that support my claim. Yet when it comes to learning a new skill, I demonstrate greater difficulty than the majority of other learners. How is that possible? I shouldn't be stuck in the under-achiever category when I put three times the amount of effort as everyone else when I'm supposed to be intellectually advantaged.

This is something I've struggled with my entire life. I try to address it when it becomes professionally-relevant, but I'm quickly disregarded as modest and/or insecure. I am insecure, but I'm glad to report that I'm making progress towards the opposite direction. With that said, though, it doesn't make my difficulties any less true. I'm quickly portrayed as quick-minded and capable, so I'm intentionally placed in an advanced position I don't qualify in. I'm not able to speed through it the way many people estimate I will.

This isn't my insecurity talking. This is reality, an unfortunate one I have to prove. And in the process I disappoint others, which frankly I care less about because I gave them an opportunity to make an informed decision and they chose to ignore it, but it taints the image they have of me and it eliminates me as a candidate for future opportunities. It's like I get punished for their misjudgment, even though I warned them. And it keeps happening over and over and over again.

I'd rather not revisit that unpleasant occurrence. I'd rather just do well and develop the ability to learn more quickly and utilize the intelligence I'm fortunate enough to have inside of me. I was once told by a really good friend of mine that I'm too quick for my own good and it makes me too slow to get it. I come to a conclusion prematurely, unconsciously, with the very little information I was given. I construct an answer based on incompletely components, so by the time I receive all of the puzzle pieces, I find myself confused and lost in a maze of answers that are incongruent. How inconvenient and frustrating is that!!!!???!!!!!!!

I feel so behind because of this. I never quite belong. I'm too fast to be entertained by mediocre intellect. But I can't keep up with high-functioning intelligence. So where do I belong? I attract people in my life that orbit around my plane of existence and that means the world to me. The efforts of my friends make me feel less alone. I may live in a paralleled world from them, but they're always close by and choose to stay with me as close as they possibly can. I truly appreciate that, but I want to travel to their reality where it's more adaptable and more successes exist.

There are too many limitations where I live. But I built a life out of it. I feel like I have to break down those walls just to escape, but I'm trapped inside so I have to be careful that I don't collapse the building I'm stuck in. It's a strategic process, an intuitive art, and an exhausting task. But one I feel will be well worth it when I'm free.

The decisions I've made in the past still hold me back. I have to pay off the debt I accumulated when I wasn't making enough income. So I have to put off school just to pay those bills off. I have to be later on my credit payments to ensure I don't get a permanent eviction notice on my record that'll trap me here because no one would want me. I have to work twice as hard and find work elsewhere just so I can prevent a catastrophe from occurring as it's developing. I have to stay where it's unsafe for a better future trying to protect myself from things unknown and dangerous.

I'm open-minded because I'm curious and want to experience new things. But I'm just one person. My ability to experience multiple lives has its limitations, so I look elsewhere to gain that. However, I don't have the best multi-tasking skills and that becomes evident in my mental processes. Also because I enjoy over-analyzing and do it effortlessly just like I am now, so much of my energy and focus goes to one component leaving me blinded to the surrounding other pieces.

All of a sudden when I step back, there are stacks and stacks of burdens I can't manage. I'm too busy trying to keep it from building that I fail to realize that I should and can ask for help. When I observed others who asked for help, it was because they were lazy and lacked self-sufficiency. I made a negative association with asking for help and grew up in an environment where you can get by without asking for help. I became the person who'll keep walking with a sprained ankle even if I was offered a ride because I can still walk. I'm not paralyzed. Terrible mentality, I know. But I'm getting better. I didn't realize how distorted and damaging my perspective was because whenever I need and want something I ask for it. So naturally I assumed that I was getting what I needed.

It's like I opened up my eyes for the first time and realized the services offered to me and that I qualify for them. It wasn't as much of a pride thing as most people think it is. I just believe that those services should be offered to those who truly need it, and my "need-it" detector was calibrated incorrectly. I was starving, but I can miss a meal or skip a side dish and feel equally starved. So I thought it was just my metabolism.

*It's been way too long since I wrote this entry that I'm not sure which direction I was planning on going. So as incomplete as this entry is, that's as far as it'll go.

Monday, June 14, 2010

My Desire for This is Stronger Than my Need for It, Day 165

After months of being unemployed which became a full-time job of hitting job fairs, career centers, employment agencies, cold calling, temp positions, scrimping by, and killing myself in the process, I was offered the same position I was offered last year at around the same time. Had I have taken that job last year, I would've been financially-secure and better off as far as my living situation and life stability goes in the conventional sense. Maybe even in the literal sense. But actions have consequences.

For such a long time, I kicked myself for selecting a job that was less lucrative, had signs of financial insecurity, evidence of conflict, and many other things that really trapped me to stay there for all of the wrong reasons, forcing me into a lifestyle that's unfavorable. But after some long reflection, I realized that sometimes the right outcome is born through a series of wrong decisions. I now appreciate the experiences I gained from that job because I grew and evolved as a person. I never considered myself a bad person, but that job turned me into a more caring, compassionate, empathetic, and deeper person than I realized I could ever be. It made me a better person through those pains and struggles.

I also met some amazing people along the way. They've touched my life in ways they'll never know. I'm glad to have met them and truly believe that if it weren't for my previous job that I would've never really developed the relationship I now have with each and every one of them. The experiences are irreplaceable and life changing. The financial hardship defined and strengthened me as a person even as it weakened me. And it's not like I lost out on that other job offer. I just accepted it a year later.

I find it symbolic that I'm at the exact place I could've been last year at this time. I keep bringing it up and I'll continue to because it's so meaningful to me. Apparently there was a class in March, but I wasn't offered that program. Now I'm in a training program with a bunch of amazing people, and I can't stress enough how much I appreciate them. That'll be an entry called "My New Loves." Those words came from a friend at work. It's interesting. On facebook, so many of them put a deep and meaningful status update on the same day. We all have lives outside of work, but I noticed that many of us carried a similar significance in our lives. I mentioned that to someone at work. She said she's not surprised and that she doesn't think it's a coincidence that we all came together at the same time. I totally agree with her.

This job couldn't have come at a better time. I've already been late on two months' worth of rent. I was getting desperate. I need this job because I can't afford to get evicted. No one really can. I was resorting to cash exchanges with my food stamps. I'd buy food for my friends and they'd give me cash for it. I ran out of toilet paper and have to go to Burger King whenever I needed to use the bathroom. It's not a way to live.

If I do well, this job is financially-secure. It's at a convenient location. It'll give me an opportunity to move out and live somewhere that's more conducive to my self-growth and emotional maturity, as well as offering me safety benefits. Where I live now, my roommate's car got broken into. There have been incidences where homeless people have squatted under the stairwell. Bikes get stolen. A neighbor stalked my roommate until she decided to move out and this same guy nearly attacked me because I was associated to his old roommate. A girl who lives in the same complex and doesn't get along with others might be moving in here. She's also the same girl that almost stabbed her boyfriend. The landlord is manipulative, hostile, and borders on stalking. Yet I live here.

And that's just the objective reasons why I should move out. It doesn't even include the burdensome reasons that come with roommate situations. For almost a season now, the dishes have stacked up completely. It requires me to offer time I don't have just to wash an apple in the kitchen sink. Cooking becomes a near impossible mission.

Selfishness is masqueraded and manipulated into a way that's meant to stabilize my own self-interest, as though my desires are unreasonable through an illusion of higher maturity that doesn't exist. If I have to move your clutter around to make space, I will. And I do it in a way that keeps the kitchen functional. Sure, it exposes to the outside that we're filthy but I've exercised the best possible option. I'm not going to put the clutter back to make it more difficult for myself in the future. If you're so ashamed of the mess, do something about it just like I do with my own. Their approach is acceptable for someone who just moved out and are trying to cope with their messiness. I'm past that, though.

I need something more than that. And as small as it may seem, I feel that I need to be at a place where I can grow my own plants. I can't do that here. The fact that I can't makes me feel suffocated. To change my circumstance, I need financial security and stability.

This job is structured and organized, a welcome change. There are tests daily. I'm noticeably behind in absorbing and retaining the knowledge taught. I seem to be trapped in this permanent state of confusion, and I'm constantly stressed that I'll be eliminated as a candidate. I heard this is the first training where no one was eliminated the first week.

If I don't make it, I still owe money. I could get a legal eviction notice on my record that'll further damage my future. I'll return to using public restrooms and schedule my liquid consumption according to business hours, such an unhealthy, unhealthy lifestyle adjustment. I'll continue to be stuck in paralysis mode and be unable to not only move forward in the future, but I'll be dragged back, as well.

Obviously that's horrible. But I've gotten used to living, surviving, adapting, and accepting of a life that's abstract at best. I discovered that as frightening as it may be at times that I'm able to overcome my fears. I discovered that as near impossible as it seems that living next to impossible is still possible, and I can do it well.

The one thing I've always struggled with is validation. I need it. I seem to care less about the general opinions people have of me. And the truth is that most people do validate and accept me. It's something I haven't given myself, though. I live, breathe and see my inadequacies. I'm intimate with them. It leads me to believe that I don't deserve acceptance, but I'm finally beginning to open up those doors.

Somehow I turned this job into a test that defines whether I truly deserve to step into that room that says, "You're good enough. You deserve to be at a higher standard than you put yourself at. You're no longer the one with the inadequacies. You belong with your friends where you place them where they deserve to be placed at." I know that isn't healthy, but that's still how I feel. So my desire to do well at this job is stronger than my need for it.

The Significance of An Experience is Defined by the Value We Give It,

The significance of an experience is defined by the value we give it. Something happened to me, and I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. How do I put into words what happened? Where do I begin? How do I do this?

I've always been a spiritual person, but I've only recently started to really explore it when that side of me surfaced in an undeniable sort of way. Not everyone has the beliefs I have and I respect that, but I believe what I know. My experiences define reality for me, as it does yours. I get premonitions.

Since then I've attracted a lot of spiritually-connected people, and I'm grateful to have met them. But it's inevitable to meet someone dark lurking in the shadows waiting to exploit others for whatever reason. And I was victim to one of them. God, I hate admitting that because I feel like I'm trying to absolve responsibility and I'm not. But no matter how much something irritates me to admit, it doesn't take away from reality.

That's why I decided to blog about this. It's such a personal, private, invasive, disgusting experience, and part of me wants to just forget about it. I'm so skilled at pushing thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the back of my mind. But it stays with me and builds on me. I created this blog to learn to be more open. I worry that if I ignore this and the next time something like this happens in a completely different setting that I'd snap and I don't want that. If I've learned anything in the past couple of years, it's that you can't ignore your feelings. No matter how much you hate the experience, what happened, what you did and didn't do, what happened happened.

I went to the beach with a friend and her friend wanted to come along. The first time I've ever heard her talk about him, I got a weird feeling. But I brushed it off since I didn't sense any danger and it was totally judgmental of me. When he wanted to join us, I had a WTF sort of feeling. But I ignored it that, too.

My friend and I began talking about the emotional and spiritual impact that the beach has on a person's soul and how different places possess different spiritual properties that restores, rejuvenates, and invigorates us in a way as uniquely as the elements that represent them. When my friend's friend, the dark "spiritualist" returned (because he went back to his apartment twice - first to get us a blanket and second time to park my friend's car in a different spot), he joined the existing conversation. It felt natural to talk about meditation, spiritual powers, premonitions, the energies that exist in all of us, etc. He asked if he could read my energy by taking my hand.

I let him. His hands sandwiched mine. I tried to be as open as possible, but I warned him that I've become detached lately. Within seconds, I felt a transference of energy leave me. It was slight, mild, brief, but I imagined seeing it. It felt more pulled away from me than I released it, but I also know that I gave it to him. Shortly after he said that my powers come from my past, and he offered to open up my chakra and explore the energies within me.

I've always been fairly open to that stuff, but I did question his level of power at one point because he wanted my friend's participation. He asked her to close her eyes, put her hand on my head, and think of the most highest power and direct it towards me. It seemed fine at the time. I was cold, so I covered myself in the blanket. I also put on my sunglasses to protect my eyes from the sand. He began to place his hands over my body. It began with his hand around my belly button area and he started pressing around it, which reminded me of a pap smear.

I thought it was odd but I'm new to this. Now I feel incredibly stupid because this creeper probably exploits the unawareness of girls to further his agenda. And I fell for it! I never thought I'd become one of those girls who just takes it out of uncertainty. I always thought to myelf, "How do you not know?" I guess ignorance is an easier practice than awareness.

He continued to do this under my clothing. I had a top on and a bathing suit underneath. I distinctly remember him traveling his hand to my left boob through the inner top of my bikini instead of from slipping his hand from the bottom of the bikini. I opened my eyes for a second because I questioned that action only to see his eyes open and focused, rather than sexually pleased. His hands were cupping my boob so closely that I felt his hand resting on my nipple. There was no fonding, no squeezing, just physical contact. When I asked myself if this is okay, a spiritualist I met at a crystal house responded, "No, it's not."

Out of everyone there, I could sense and feel her powers. I was drawn to her. It was concentrated. When she sits there and observes, it's just such an infusion of controlled strength. When she talks to people, the energy subdues. It isn't this captivating sense but turns into this open and receptive energy surrounded by a sense of tangibility like you can reach her or at least see her. She isn't a million miles away like she seems when she's sitting there silently or at least that's the way it was for me.

So it was incredible that I could feel her presence there with me when she wasn't but she was. Before I could make sense of any of it, the dark spiritualist had already slipped his hand to my other boob. It all happened so quickly that I'm not even sure what part of my bikini area he slipped his hand through. It's like when I returned, his hand was already placed there.

I'm beginning to realize both the burden and dangers of over-thinking because I'm not focused, not focused on how I feel. My head's too busy spinning. My first thought was, "What the fuck?" That should've been enough to make him stop, but I proceeded into my analytical nature by asking is this okay, how do you know if it is, remembering that I've never had this done before, so I'm not aware of the etiquettes, etc. All these questions overwhelmed me and distracted me from what should've been done. My mind may have been confused but my spirit wasn't because I kept telling myself to not freak out. I still don't know how to control my power, so keep myself in check. You don't want to release something you can't control; you don't want to release something you can't control. Then it ended there.

He seemed collected enough but also disturbed by what he "saw." I question his honesty and integrity, but intuitively I believe that he was genuinely freaked out. As well he should! Was it something he could've faked? Absolutely. It's a perfect profile move to make and I don't doubt that a person like that would do such a thing, but I truly believe that he was frightened spiritually.

It was damp on the bridge of his nose on the right side. Where did that miscellaneous liquid come from? He was characteristically disturbed and said that I was murdered in my past life. I had no reaction. No fear, no intrigue, no shock, no curiosity, an absence of anything. How unlike me and this wasn't because I was still shocked. That was my reaction to his claim.

He began elaborating that I was a man in my past life, that I was interested in Buddhism, I wasn't a practicing monk but many of my friends were and that I was drawn to it, the source of my dark powers come from others, that the dark karma in me isn't my own but was put there, I resisted for a long time but eventually it became a part of me, and I was spiritually murdered by those who were jealous of my powers. He said that I was a good person in my past life.

There may be elements of truths to that because con artists twist the truth. They manipulate it to their advantage. They turn truths into their allies. I do believe that I have some dark karma carried over from my past life because unbelievable things keep happening to me in unimaginable ways. I believe I have a strong source of power, and I fear that it comes from a dark place. Others have sensed this from me, as well. But I'm skeptical about what he told me in particular. For one thing, I wasn't very open.

He was shivering and shaking from that experience. He claimed it's because he's really cold, but he broke through something and that we can continue it at his apartment. Now, I'm a lot more level-headed. My friend has intuitive powers, too, whether she's aware of it or not. Or maybe she was channeling me. I don't know, but it was her that was advocating on my behalf when I was still in a speechless state of shock.

What a bastard! First he says the ocean has good energy, which it does. He lives across the fucking street from the ocean and claims that he doesn't need a jacket. Then after exploring my chakras he's shaking because he's cold and suggests continuing in his apartment. Are you shitting me? Like you can't measure the temperature and plan accordingly, you jack ass! But I felt that it was more than the cold. He felt my power.

By then I knew I was more powerful than he is. He probably got terrified by it. And good! I'm glad he got freaked out. Karma, bitch! You do something bad. And you feel bad. He left to get his jacket, while my friend and I stayed behind. As he walked away, I came close to my friend and asked her if he ever did that to her. He kept looking back nervously. Now why would someone do such a thing? I wonder...

My friend agreed that it wasn't appropriate, that it's totally invasive and if he were going to do that that I should've been warned. I totally agree. I was demonstrating what he was doing to me by grabbing at her boobs. For a while we were having that conversation and she wasn't aware that he went under my clothing and bikini! She was shocked. She already knew it was unacceptable before I explained it clearly enough. And of course it fucking is! How could I have been so stupid????

What the Hell is honestly wrong with me? The fact that I kept telling myself to stay grounded, to not release the dark energy in me, that wasn't enough to tip me off? Really, really? When did I become so fucking special ed? When did I become a participating victim offering implied consent?

Don't get me wrong. This guy's a jerk. I'm by no means trying to transfer blame on myself to minimize his. But I do believe that we train how others treat us. They'll do whatever they want, but to deny that we don't have an influence is naive. I didn't say or do anything that expressed disapproval or address how completely unacceptable that is. He deserved to know, and I kept it from him.

It's crazy to think that, in reality, I was sexually harassed and it qualifies as being molested. But it wasn't an extreme form. I wasn't traumatized by it. I know it happened, though, because I was there. And yet I didn't react in a way I would've suspected someone to react, so I wouldn't blame someone for doubting me. Something fucked up happened to me and I end up feeling guilty because of my own actions or lack of. I'm left feeling inadequate more than invaded. This isn't something I should even be burdened to feel.

The old me would've ripped him to shreds. I'm small, but don't think for a second that I can't do any damage. I made a guy piss blood for a week after he crossed the line with me and I saw him telling a girl to sit on his lap right in front of me (boyfriend at the time). Oh and I dislocated his nose. And I've done way worse. If I let the old me out, this guy would've had a distinct deep scar on his cheek that people can't ignore left as a reminder of what he did to me. I would've easily injured him in the knees.

If a person has a scar on their face and walks awkwardly, people easily become suspicious. Now I keep thinking to myself, how many other girls will he continue to do this to because I haven't done my part to discourage him? I doubt this was his first time and considering how he got away with it, it won't be his last. But if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt and say this was his first time, what's to stop him from doing it again? He developed no social conditioning against it. If I had fucked him up, he'd think twice before doing it again. He'd wake up to that experience every morning when he looked at himself. That's what should've been done.

I don't have a problem with violence. I believe it serves a purpose in society. It's misused, abused, and resorted to too recklessly, but I'm not against the existence or selective practice of it. This would've been a good example of that.

You could judge me all you want and think until you turn blue that I was stupid for not reacting. I feel that I deserve that reaction. But it makes me so livid that people like him exist and puts people in those types of situations. The truth is that if he was going to do something like that, you should warn someone AND get permission. If you didn't ask permission because you felt uncomfortable, you shouldn't do it! He's a creep, but he's by no means stupid. He's socially aware that it's taboo.

I was invaded and question the seriousness and degree of that experience because my reaction wasn't the classic victimized one. I feel inadequate over my ability to process experiences. I felt guilty for indulging in who I am because it left me vulnerable. I feel like crap for being so ignorant and lacking in common sense. Then I feel bad because I've invested more energy in making myself feel worse, as if he hasn't already done that only to realize that I've neglected to channel hatred towards him. It's exhausting!

My friend believed me, but she was still shocked by what happened. She was both surprised and impressed that I intuitively disliked him from the beginning. She kept asking over and over and over why he would do something like that, while simultaneously mourning for the death of their friendship because she enjoys the spiritual conversations she had with me. And she wonders why he didn't do that to her because he had plenty of opportunities. Can you make it more about you? I don't want to be burdened with her excess thoughts, too, but it just came out of her like word vomit. The most intolerable thing for me was how she kept expressing guilt for introducing me to him because she felt like she shared the blame. That really aggravated me because I don't blame her for this, but the more she said it, the more hostility I felt toward her because by repeating it, it's like she's ignoring me. Doing that to someone can be a form of disrespect and I already experienced enough of that that day.

Don't get me wrong. I know she didn't mean to. But I was already feeling the pressure. That's how I felt and what was going through my mind. I'm not even sure how I was supposed to feel. How can I possibly give her some or any sense of closure? I don't have the resources, knowledge, or energy to. And at the time, I didn't have the desire to, either.

Since I can be a dark and perverse person, I can understand why someone would do something like that. There's thrill in getting away with something. And while it was happening, I realized the genius behind his plan. Yes, I honestly thought this and I still didn't do anything. I guess I thought if it wasn't sexual, then it's not invasive. But it's also unnecessary and a form of respect to not do stuff like that! How did that thought not click in my mind?

It makes perfect sense to do exactly that. Maybe a sexually stimulating opportunity like that hadn't presented itself around my friend. Maybe she's not his type. Who knows? Who cares? I didn't want to over analyze anymore because it was that that made me miss such an obvious truth, that what he did was unacceptable.

We parted ways and hung out with another friend. Him, I love and I was so happy to see him because it was his presence that made that day a good day. If it wasn't for him, the entire day would've been terrible. We were just at his place hanging out and having a good time.

It's kind of nuts how something like that can happen and then I can turn around and enjoy the rest of my day, as though nothing happened. There's danger in that. I have so many psychological pockets of escape where dark thoughts hide until it breeds and mutates into something else. By then, it's hard to tell where it came from, what it was born out of it, or that it's even there. But you know what? I realized instead of tripping about how I feel about something, how I don't feel about something, this is what came to me. This is my quote: "The significance of an experience is defined by the value we give it."


I'm glad and proud of myself for not allowing the earlier day's experience to tarnish the evening. I FINALLY have a phone! It was brought to my attention a while back that all of my ringtones are suggestive. Background story: This guy I was going out with made me come to this realization. At first, I was in denial and resisted it until I embraced it. We were lying in bed snuggling, talking, and maybe there was a kiss or two involved. It was definitely romantic and intimate, but it wasn't sexually heating up yet when all of a sudden I get a call with a ringtone "I'm a prisoner of love, prisoner of love!!!" I jumped out of bed with a sigh of "finally!" He asked me who the fuck is that? My other friend's ringtone is Savage Garden's Crash 'n Burn. He grins at me and says, "you know all of your ringtones are suggestive, right?" Well to this day, I carry that theme. Continuation and return to original point: I told my friends that I need suggestive ringtones.

One of them is a foreigner, so she didn't understand the connotation of "suggestive." We spent a better duration of the evening making suggestive jokes. It was pretty hilarious, but is it weird that I can be so lighthearted after such an experience? Am I in that much of a denial phase? Did I just suppress it? Am I that desensitized? Does it really bother me? If it does, then how come I was able to function as though nothing happened? Am I that broken? Did it not bother me because it meant nothing to me? That's just as twisted. I can go on forever about why I reacted the way I did, but it is what it is.

I talked to a friend about it, and he opened up to me about his own experiences, things I wouldn't dare elaborate on. But there's one thing he said that gave me comfort. He didn't know it was wrong. It didn't feel wrong to him. It felt weird but not wrong. Sometimes you just don't know. And there are people in this world who take advantage of that.

It's a tragic reality. They take something away from us when that happens. I left feeling confused, conflicted, inadequate, stupid, and I consciously carried it over with me. I told a co-worker about my experience at the beach, but I distorted the truth. What was I supposed to say to someone I've known for like a fucking week? That some jerk felt me up and I laid there like an idiot?

I don't want to title myself the moron, and it's not something he'd want to hear. But it bothers me that I felt the need to lie. I lied because I have a problem with the truth, with reality. And if that's the case, I shoud've said something. I should've done something. I can't control the actions others, but I could control my own. That's something I have to remember.

He's not the only person I lied to, either. I guess this blog is like my form of confession. I'm releasing it because I'm hoping it'll heal me. But in all honestly, it doesn't hurt knowing that one friend doesn't read my blog. He complains about how long it is. Yet he reads like 400-500 page novels! Maybe he does read my blog. It's a beautiful lie I sometimes like to indulge in.

I feel so stupid. A couple days before all of this happened, he was showing me some jiu jitsu moves. The truth is that I could've really damaged this guy, but I didn't let myself realize what was really happening or I'm just that dense. I'm still not really sure. I'm not ready to tell him the truth. Maybe I never will be, but I certainly feel bad about lying, not enough to confess directly, though. So this is all I have to offer. If by any chance you're reading this, thank you for providing me with the knowledge I could've used. It's crazy how I learned those moves at a point in my life before I could've used them. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I also believe that we don't always take advantage of it.

As for my co-worker, he doesn't even know about the existence of this blog unless he read my facebook profile and observed the link to this blog but few people do. It's interesting how many people are unaware of my blog. After mutual friends and acquaintances complimented me on my blog around a closer friend of mine, I realized how many people don't read it and how much I'd like them to. So I sent out what seems like an impersonal mass email, but it's 100% genuine. It shares some insights and depths into why I blog and why I chose a select group of people to share it with for reasons that aren't as tangible but an intuitive desire.

I appreciated the outcome of that decision, so I decided to every so often send that email out whenever I meet people I'd like to share my thoughts with. I met some amazing people at work that I plan to send that mass email out to. If you do take the time to read my blog, please know that I chose you because you have made a bigger impact in my life than you realize. Writing to me is an intimate practice, and it means the world to me.