Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Doggie Dog World, Day 265


I feel compelled to write an entry and the truth is that I have a lot I'd like to express, but I'm no longer in the mood. It's unfortunate how feelings and moods can turn on us. Sometimes I wonder how much we're aware of it and how it affects the overall outcome.

It's a doggie dog world. I have a friend who I really like and for the first time in a long time and even still, a first time, it felt like we might actually be making progress towards an actual relationship. It's amazing how liberating truth can be, but now I'm not sure where we stand. It's a doggie dog world. I want him, but there's another guy who I think likes me. I'm not saying I'm going to go out with him or that I'm even right. But it's a trip how much things can change so quickly.

When my friend and I considered progressing to another level, a friend who I haven't spoken to in forever invited me to a vegan dinner. That invite would've been a perfect opportunity to get some quality time with him, but it didn't even cross my mind. Now all of a sudden it's like something changed and I think he ended up doing something else. I suppose that's probably not too noteworthy.

I can't explain it, but it just feels like if you don't do something, something else will always happen. Duh! But it's a reality that hit me more than it normally does. My Dad spams me daily emails about the detrimental economy. I've been unemployed for quite some time. I'm in a crap situation which will hopefully change soon. I'll find out tomorrow. But it wasn't until I heard my friend talk about having to fire 3-4 of his employees due to a substantial financial cut that I realized what sort of economy we're living in. Hearing him talk just made everything real. Family, children, homes, as unstable as everything is, you build a life out of it. But it can be stripped away from you.

I feel bad for my friend, but I can't help feeling liberated by this change of events in my life. And I think I found a writing collaborator, so I'm really excited about that. My intuition told me that this is someone I want to get to know, but he just showed me the apartment. So I'm not sure how I was supposed to swing that. But every other place I tried looking at fell through over some extreme reaction and I got a second chance at my first choice.

It's not even the nicest apartment. It's very basic and you might wonder why I'm so ecstatic about it if you saw the place, but the truth is that I've always been a powerful extrovert and I'm a writer. Writers belong to the world of introverts. I'm not saying I don't belong there, but there's this disconnect. And I know I won't be able to harness my introverted side unless I create a space that's just my own. Where I'm moving to is easily accessible to my friends and a social life, which I can't eliminate even if my life depended on it, but it's also distanced enough that it'll make me receptive to personal focus on just me. I really look forward to that.

I totally understand why my friend didn't want to hang out with me anymore (the one who was to fire a few people). It just felt weird that I was so happy and felt guilty for someone else. I didn't have anyone to celebrate this with, which sounds selfish and I don't mean it in that way. All that I mean is I'm used to being happy in a collective sort of way, and for the first time, this was something for me to just enjoy. See this place is already gravitating me towards just me experiences, not a collective one.

Wow, when I write like this it makes me feel like I'm not an independent person but I am. I'm one of the strongest individuals you'll ever meet. I'm so different. But I obviously have a lot more changes that I need to go through and this place will help me with that. I can enjoy something myself which is what it felt like because I called another friend and he was in the hospital caring for someone else who has a severe leg injury. How horrible....

I go to work and share with my co-worker how happy I am about where I'm moving, too, and it's amazing because she totally gets it. She's moving, too, and it's a wonderful opportunity for her but she gained it through a series of unfortunate incidences involving the death of her neighbor in a brutal car accident. Obviously she feels bad, but she didn't want to pass up this opportunity that was presented to her, and I totally understand where she's coming from. But it opened my eyes to the doggie dog world we live in.

It's a doggie dog world. I'm not saying we should hurt others to reach our goals, but if we don't work towards our goals, it'll be snatched up by someone else. If I want to make it as a writer, I can't be afraid of wounding my ego or I run the risk of losing before I have a chance to win. If I want to be with this guy, I can't be afraid of rejection or someone will inevitably take my place. It's a doggie dog world whether we like it or not. It's our choice what role we play. After all, it's a doggie dog world.

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