Sunday, September 19, 2010

Proof Enough for Me that my Intuition is Leading Me to Where I Should Be, Day 262

I'm not really sure where to begin or how to properly convey this sense of peace and knowingness that's purring inside of me. I've been living at this one place that's tainted with toxic energy. With every force there is an opposite, but even the positive energy has been contaminated and while I'm sure it still exists, it's become imbalanced and overwhelmed with the bad that there is no more benefit living here. Even the rent has increased, so I really have no reason to stay here anymore.

And it is was rather foolish of me to stay until I find a better paying job because that could take years. That's like putting my life on hold until something more helpful comes along. When does life ever offer me that? I know this entry sounds bleak and I don't intend it to be. It's actually a liberating reality. Some peoples' lives are sheltered and a breeze. Mine is not one of them. It's painful but it's breathtaking. I want to live.

I've been drawn to move to this area for quite some time. I'm considering becoming a bartender in that area. I'm confident I can do it, but I have to be exposed to that area to see if it's worth my investment and time. It offers me something extra that isn't offered here. It reminds me of home. People aren't hidden in their homes. The streets are trafficked with people. Everything is open. You can eat any time you want. You're surrounded by yummy food and not just the pricey snooty kind. There are bars everywhere and clubs. I'm not that kind of girl, but I grew up in that kind of place. So it feels comforting. The sticky floors. The exposed trashiness. The liveliness. That's where I want to be.

It's in an accessible area where I can be self-sufficient similar to where I live now but more expansive than I originally realized. There's a healthy distance between my friends and I, so it'll give me an opportunity to look within myself and become acquainted with my introverted side. But it isn't so isolated that I'd drive myself crazy. It'll force me to go outside of my comfort zone, but it's not uncomfortable, just new. That's important.

I was surprised that Koreatown is where I'm drawn to because I socialize with everyone and I'm not racist, although I do believe there are cultural truths to certain racial stereotypes. I always take the time to get to know a person before I make my judgment. I'm not going to say that I don't judge people because that's a load of crap. And, of course, I could come to the wrong conclusion and my personal biases can interfere with making a proper assessment, but I'm who I am. I can't deny that. With that said, I'd say I had the least connection with most Koreans as a whole. I'm not really sure why. It's just an observation I made.

So why would I move to an area concentrated with so many of them? It's a question I didn't focus too much on because after spending years of indulging in my compulsive habits of attempting to answer questions I'm unable to at that moment, I finally began realizing that the answers will come to me when I'm ready to receive it. If I really want my answers which I do, I have to stop prodding at it and give it time to build. So during this time I began looking for places in the area I was drawn towards.

The guy who manages the building has now become my writing collaborator. I knew I'd want to be friends with someone like him, and every other place I attempted to check out fell through consistently. After a series of mishaps, I got the apartment I wanted originally and I couldn't be more ecstatic! It's not even all that. It's a bachelor, but it's mine. And I feel like the universe has been guiding me to this particular place.

As for living in a highly Korean populated area with bars and clubs that aren't quite my scene, I realized during a grand opening at Tully's what my friend from work meant. He said it'd be good for me to be around my people. I didn't quite feel him, and I still don't entirely. But I think that's the point. Because I've never found that connection, I never made the time to go there. Now I will. It'll give me an opportunity to experience what I normally wouldn't take the time to do.

I felt so out of place hearing them sing karaoke. I'm so used to singing badly with friends for fun. It'll put me in a situation to take something I'm interested in seriously but in a fun way. I know that's such a small thing, but it's just an example used to make me realize that I'll be surrounded by new experiences. Lately things that I haven't been able to do have become possibilities. I want to see where this place will take me or where I'll take it....

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