Friday, February 24, 2012

Hello World!

I know I made a commitment to blog 5 days a week and I was absent yesterday, but I was instructed to not go on any personal sites for the day at work. My boss' boss was visiting. But she's gone now, and I can resume my daily blogging and internet activities. The perv in me found that to be suggestive. :/ Horrible, just horrible.

Yesterday was a beautiful and warm day. I went to the farmer's market during my lunch break and got my favorite hummus selection. It was great to go outside and not require a coat. Even when I got off work, the weather was calm and weathered perfectly. I talked to a friend and hopefully we're going to watch Secret World of Arrietty this weekend. I'm so excited! I'm also looking forward to buying cherimoyas at the farmer's market this weekend. CHERIMOYAS!!!

Today's payday and I'm contemplating whether I want to buy a slow cooker or not. I probably should. It totally fits my lifestyle and currently lazy habits. The truth is I'm going to do it eventually, but I'll hesitant on actually spending money. Although I've now decided that I'm going to buy it because I came into some money for my birthday! Yipee! :D Slow cooker, it is!

Man, I feel so boring. I guess that's the problem with blogging daily is I do it to fulfill a requirement; I don't necessarily wait until I'm inspired and flooded with thoughts.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

When Will You Know?

I've discovered that the question, "when will you know" is an insightful way to see if how receptive and compatible I am with someone. I have a perpetual duality in me that keeps me diverse and open-minded since I'm forced to see both sides, but it also puts me in frustrating situations cuz I surround myself with people I fit with in some ways and not others. Although that's the case for everyone. But it feels more highlighted in my experience or it just affects me more cuz this is when it becomes most apparent for me.

I don't like confines and I like to be liberated. So I can understand why not everyone enjoys making plans cuz it reduces the amount of room for freedom and change to form. Keeping things ambiguous shelters you from restrictions. But asking questions of specificity isn't a warning that I'm attempting to suffocate you into fixed schedules! I don't like that such a common question triggers such insinuations! Especially from people I've known for a while cuz they should know me to be supportive and accomodating to thier lifestyles. If you've accepted me into your life cuz I understand how you are and I've never made you feel confined before, please keep that in mind the second your false alarm goes off that I might be trying to confine you... Just saying.

I suppose instead of saying "when will you know?" I should I ask when do you THINK you'll know? But most people who are put off by my question don't notice such distinctions, although in the future I'll try to include those extra words. I don't want to filter out signs that should reflect I'm trying to be considerate but I require information that affects me. While I'm making clarifications, I should explain in what circumstances I ask this question. It's not like I ask a guy I'm with when will you know whether you want me to be your girlfriend or not. That blows!

But if we mention in passing that we might hang out tonight, maybe, based on the outcome of something such as work responsibilities or whatever, don't be so surprised or suspicious that I'm trying to trap you. Maybe I'm just trying to plan, which you may not like, but not everyone shares your distaste. If things are up in the air, I won't hold it against you if things don't go according to plan. But I certainly don't want to sit around waiting mindlessly only for things to not work out when there's a possibility that you could've given me insight. I'll determine whether I'm willing to keep my schedule open for you.

If I'm asking for specifics, you're probably worth it. And this is the case for anyone and especially more so towards friends. So when I'm involved with someone and they express an apparent distaste for my specific inquiries as though I'm trying to trap them in a relationship, it's frustrating cuz I find I'm unable to convince someone in that mindset the truth. I ask everyone when will you know if uncertainties exist cuz I don't drive! I have to plan things! And most people I know go with the flow, so hang outs not happening aren't the end of the world for me. And I don't know is an acceptable answer and far more appreciated than "You know I don't like to plan things. You're suffocating me with these specific questions!" Ugh!

Clearing the air by giving perspective and insight into how this person isn't as important as others who I also ask these types of questions to are both pointless and ineffective. Just say I don't know! I think people who get upset by my question are more frustrated with the fact that they don't know the answer than my actual inquiry cuz they're so into their own thoughts. Besides these same people demonstrate an interest for specifics. The more I analyze it, the more I realize how irrelevant it is. They know I'm not trying to suffocate anyone. And they aren't receptive to the reassurance that I'm not trying to trap anyone.

Oddly enough this isn't something I'm currently struggling with cuz I don't want anyone reading this to worry that I'm going through something. I just remembered it cuz I asked a friend when will you know and he was receptive and gave me an estimate. He knows that if his estimate was inaccurate or it doesn't work out that I won't hold it against him cuz he's naturally aware. Not everyone is and it can cause a problem. I'd like to surround myself with people who understand this about me. I'm understanding to a fault. If I think I'll cause any sort of friction, I retreat and I sacrifice a lot of personal happiness in the process. I do all that and then to get accused of trying to change someone is insulting!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Sometimes Things Just Flow

The evening started off not like planned. I didn't get picked up from work by my friend, and everyone arrived much later than expected. I also had a few who didn't make it. But the presence of those who visited made my birthday a wonderful experience. I'm at a place in my life where meaningful experiences, genuine friendships, and spiritual connections have deeper meaning and greater priority than PARTY! So it felt more like a good hang out than a birthday get together which is exactly what I wanted cuz it made things so natural. It also worked out well cuz I was planning to only serve finger food which wouldn't have satiated our appetites. Sometimes things don't work out and creates an opportunities that are more conducive to the environment that what was initially planned.

Monday, February 20, 2012

I'm Glowing!!!!

It's my birthday!!!! This is the first time in my life EVER that I've been excited about my birthday! I'm 28 years old today! I'm not that old, but I've wasted way too many years not being excited about my birth and I'm changing that this year! :) I couldn't be any happier! I bought a blueprint for my astrological chart which also includes numerology. It wasn't quite as informative as I would've liked, but I've finally reached a point in my life where these things have become a priority for me. It's always fascinated me but actually immersing myself in it was something I hesitated in the past.

I'm really excited about tonight. But I started my birthday immediately! My friend picked me up and arrived with flowers! <3 I now have decorations for my gathering tonight! And he made me mimosas. I'm a freak and take pictures of food, drinks, and all things pretty! He remembered he had umbrella parasols and pulled a purple one out for me! And he got me a purple teakettle!!! PURPLE!!! I'm so ecstatic! It's my first birthday present of the year! Not that I require gifts, and I totally wasn't expecting one. So it means the world to me! We had a really good chat and such a fun time! "I'M A HERO!!!!" It was a funny inside joke. He was beng so tolerant to my demands today. I wanted to go back cuz I forgot to bring my journal, so we went back to my place. He made me lunch for today.

On Saturday, I found a journal on clearance at Michael's. My co-worker was pleased since she didn't tolerate me buying it full price. But I'm desperate for a journal to clear my mind, and sometimes it's just not worth waiting for a discounted price when I feel mentally tormented. I also bought colored markers which will make art journal much easier! Colored pencils are exhausting for me to use, and I'm not really feeling painting at this time. Best part? It was 40% off baby! What a steal? I also went to the library and borrowed books on art journaling, chakras, and book writing.

I had plans to go to an event I found online. I was within blocks when I decided to change my plans for no apparent reason. It just felt like the right thing to do. As it turns out, the event didn't even take place. When I arrived at the library I saw a notice that advertised Feeling Crafty? And I wanted to go to the library with the intent to look through art journaling! I also bought a customized perfumed body oil at an affordable price. Yayayayayay!

Sunday was a little different. I got some clarity which is beneficial and heard some things I didn't want to hear but suspected to a degree. I'm grateful to have people in my life who are patient, understanding, tolerant, and caring enough to me to be there for me and explain things even when I'm sure it's not the most pleasant task to make sure I'm okay. No matter what happens, I'm grateful for the people who entered my life.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Random Thoughts

Maybe this daily writing isn't working cuz rather than waiting for thoughts to marinade, I fill the pages with random thoughts just so I do something everyday. What's the point of doing something everyday if the results aren't adequate? I guess I'm developing discipline, but not quite in the way I wanted to. I feel like a lonely receptionist cuz I end up having lunch alone because everyone else leaves at the same time. Then I'm stuck watching the front desk. It's expected considering my job, but it leaves me feeling alone. Everyone goes to lunch with someone but me. It gets lonely.

I have a lot of friends, but sometimes I feel so alone as if I don't have any. My friends are usually so busy that I'm unable to just pick up the phone to spend the day with them. I have one friend I can do that with, but even that's become routine and limited to certain days. I'm trying to be understanding that sometimes people are busy or get into a funk. When you're financially constrained or have car problems, it makes hanging out difficult. Not everyone's willing to just go carless.

It'll be my birthday on Monday and I wonder if anyone outside of fb friends who get notified will remember. I'm having a small gathering and I'm still not sure everyone can make it. I wonder if my mom and brother will remember if it's my birthday and give me a call. It'd be nice to hear from them. I really wanna watch Secret World of Arrietty tonight. I never feel like watching movies at full price, but it's been a while since I've had that movie experience and it'd be a nice pre-birthday treat. I doubt I can even find someone to go with, though.

I could care less about getting a year older, but I don't like the circumstance attached to my age. I'm now at an age where older guys feel comfortable hitting on me. I feel like I've made progress on keeping that sort of energy away, but it makes me wonder how I'm supposed to make friends. I don't like the idea that guys that are too old try to "bag" me cuz they want to recapture their youth, and although they sense my distance, they're desperate to proceed. It doesn't make me feel good. Even worse, they seem to be the only guys giving me attention except it's unwelcome.

I just found out that one of my co-workers, the only one who I feel I could've developed a friendship with quit. We had plans to go shopping today. I guess I can't blame a stranger for not informing me when it's not that imperative to let me know, and she's dealt with a lot - her grandmother's death, being really sick, the most ridiculous commute time ever, and a sexist supervisor that's overworked her. I hate feeling like this cuz I'm whiny. I try to regulate myself with understanding perspectives, but it leaves me feeling left out and alone. This job isn't good for my social and emotional self-esteem. I sit alone all day and when lunch rolls around, I sit alone eating at my desk. There's worse and I know that. But it doesn't change the fact that it leaves me feeling so horrible.

Blogger's pissing me off. I can't post recipes without a bunch of spaces between each line, and I don't know how to reverse it. The settings are the way they should be.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Today is Moving by Fast

I decided I want to create a blog that focuses on holistic living, and I spent quite a bit of time writing on that. Time moved by quickly. I got to talk to a co-worker of mine I hardly chat with. She's quiet but really sweet. You could tell she's a good soul. I also worked more on my Moments to Cherish journaling, which I enjoyed. Two days ago I started using the glycolic acid moisturizer. The first night my skin was smooth and beautiful, but last night I didn't notice its effects probably cuz I didn't sleep much. I feel much more rested, though. I got to share with someone that I know his sudden termination at a job was for the best cuz although he doesn't really know me, I'm an intuitive person. It was nice that he reached out to me, so I could tell him. I tried before but fb just wasn't cooperating. I enjoyed a slice of ice cream cake for breakfast. That was yummy! I feel like I've had a productive day today. I don't have as much result to show for it as I'd like, but time didn't feel like it was moving slowly and I got to focus on things that are important to me. I order a blueprint for my astrological chart, but this one is unique to me rather than just astrology. I received an email from that woman, and I really look forward to the results. I also got to talk to my brother briefly. He sliced off a piece of his finger yesterday, but he's doing better and it's not nearly as bad as I thought it was. It's not raining today and yesterday I got to avoid getting wet, which was a relief. Wow, my entry's scrambled. I just wanted to write before the day escaped me. :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

5 Days a Week Entry

I want to develop the practice of writing daily, or at least that's how I feel right now. I feel like by connecting with who I am, I've exchanged my discipline and focus in the process. Maybe it was borrowed qualities I needed to let go of if I'm to establish my own identity. I certainly can't be myself if I'm hanging onto things that aren't my own. But the sacrifice is making it difficult for me to make something of myself. So writing five times a day will help me develop discipline.

The key to discipline is finding something I'm willing to do regularly. Once I develop the habit, I can incorporate it into less enjoyable tasks, but it has to begin with something I'm interested in. If I find that my writing suffers, I won't continue it tirelessly. It has to be conducive, but I have to experiment with it to see if it is.

But with everything, there's a catch. At work I can write five days a week. Although I worry my job is at risk because I sent documents to the wrong location, which in my defense was probably not my fault. The office manager was sick that day, and I really believe she requested me to send it to the wrong location. However there are two errors that I'm single-handedly accountable for. I forgot two parking ticket validations cover the full day and gave away an outrageous amount of money, which I now know after having to purchase them cost the company quite a bit of money. I also was informed this morning that I deposited a check that came to our suite but not for the actual company I work for (a contractor's check) into our account. I'm sure that's going to cause billing errors I couldn't possibly be familiar with. I actually also recall forgetting to let accounts receivable know we had no checks deposited. That negligence may be a minor problem. I'm not making a lot of mistakes, but the consequences that carry out with it are probably quite a hassle.

I feel paranoid and I believe if I do my job well that I'll be able to keep this job. But it also wouldn't be a surprise if they choose to let me go. I hope that isn't the case, but only time will tell. I can't reverse time. I certainly shouldn't act like these mistakes are no big deal, but unfortunately I can't do anything else about it. I find that every time I make a mistake and am hard on myself, it becomes a domino effect. Not long ago I read a statistic that chronic stressors experience up to 40% of short term memory loss. When I'm not so critical, these results don't occur. Maybe these continued errors are a result of me subconsciously giving myself a hard time. I'm not sure. My point is if I get fired, I doubt I'll have the discipline to write everyday even though it's probably possible. But please let's all stay optimistic and send me positive energy.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Toxic Parents

We'll try this again cuz I wrote a couple of good paragraphs but the page blanked out. WTF???? LOL

It began a little something like this... Happy Valentine's day! I know, I know my title sounds inappropriate for Valentine's day. But let's be honest - life is hardly appropriate! Besides this blog is my sanctuary where I get to express my thoughts. I refuse to re-organize my feelings differently based on a Holiday I had no part in inventing. (This introductory paragraph is fairly accurate to my first one with the exception of this sentence).

I don't loathe Valentine's day despite the fact that I'm usually single this time of year or most of the time in general. Maybe I'm just too self-involved to notice the flashing tacky pink and red decor. I'm not saying that I don't feel alone, lonely, or inadequate as a result of my relationship status sometimes. But that's unrelated to V-day. I have off days, but they're rooted from internal issues. Not some external Holiday I barely even notice. Today began sweetly and I gained more insights as time progressed.

This morning I got a phone call from a friend of mine who wished me Happy Valentine's day. It was sweet. No one's ever done that for me before. Granted he was part zombie, it's the gesture that counts. Actually the fact that he was half asleep makes it almost sweeter cuz he certainly didn't have to wake up early to wish me Happy Valentine's day.

I also came across this fb status my friend posted: "Happy Valentine's Day! Nothing is better than the feeling of love. Although I'm single and all that jazz, I see this a sa nice time to reflect on all the other love in my life; you know, the non romantic kind. Spiritual, aesthetic, natural, family, friendly, and self love." What a beautiful thing to read first thing in the morning. It creates a positive perspective to carry throughout the day.

Another friend of mine posted a reminder that love should be celebrated all year long year. Today is just another day. Happy Tuesday!" When I read statuses like these, I'm grateful for the friends and people who have entered my life. What a beautiful truth to express and remind us all of.

I believe love should be celelebrated all year long, but that doesn't mean we do. So I do like the idea of a Holiday that gives attention to love where we can reflect on it. It gives us perspective. But with that said, the exclusivity of the Holiday can be hurtful to some. I bet companies that are looking to profit might actually find it to be more lucrative if they expanded the concept of love but whatever. Self-love and appreciation for all forms of love in our surrounding shouldn't be outsourced from an American company anyways.

On the bus I heard a woman on the phone talking about the relationship she has with her mom. I could relate aside from Jesus Christ, but I digress. She said that her mom always puts her down and makes her feel bad. She said she still cares and loves her mom but refuses to put herself in a hurtful situation over and over again cuz it's not fair to herself. People think it's so fucked up to isolate ourselves from our family cuz we shared the same blood, but we quickly and confidently eliminate haters from our lives when they aren't relatives. Pain and hurtfulness doesn't discriminate.

You know what that conversation left me feeling? Self-love is most important. The caller said her experience with her mother has taught her to not place her love in a man or any other human but in God cuz everyone else will hurt her; they don't mean to but it happens. I believe in a Higher being, but I think it's best to place love in ourselves cuz God is still an external source. How many people have you seen abandon the idea of God when things got difficult? Whether you believe in God or not, you can continue with your life and quite possibly fairly uninterrupted. But it's different cuz we can't escape ourselves. I'm not saying that God is any less important; I just think self-empowerment should be practiced is all.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Don't Go Against Your Process

This is a fairly new concept I'm embracing, but I'm proud that I recognize it. It's come at such a wonderful time, too. A good friend of mine is struggling with achieving something cuz he's attempting to take an analytical approach when he's a creative soul. I see him battling internal conflicts the way I have where he criticizes himself and says that he needs to be productive. If he's going to do something, it should be to build his business rather than something small and creative like getting an easel to paint, draw, or some form of creative pursuit.

He's so busy trying to be productive, analytical, and logical that he's failing to realize the way I have for so many years that being logical isn't always practical. I hate that so many of us begin to doubt ourselves and worry we don't have what it takes cuz there's no progress occurring. No progress is occurring cuz we're using a method that doesn't work for us. It's not us; it's the method! And it's evident cuz this isn't an isolated incident, but that's not something we'd know since we're too busy looking at our own perceived inadequacies and failures. I hope he'll realize, truly realize the error in his thoughts and embrace his creative identity. There's nothing wrong with it.

I struggle with the opposite challenge. There's a creative blockage on my end. I'm unable to begin a project cuz I don't know where it'll lead, but I'll only reach my destination by beginning and seeing where it takes me. We don't always have a map. Sometimes we create it along the way. I spent so much time looking at art journal inspiration that I didn't know how to get started on my own. I'm only now beginning to realize how disconnected I am cuz I've both neglected and rejected creativity. The last thing I want to see in this world is creativity dying in a sufoccating world of "logic". Without creativity, logic will also bury itself.

Friday, February 10, 2012

A Lil About Me

1) Some of my favorite simple indulgences include enjoying a deliciously ripe avocado lightly salted, snuggling with someone special, having meangful conversations so powerful that it resonates in me even months or years down the line, feeling pretty, bubble baths, going to the farmer's markets, eating raw oysters, being inspired by decorative photos and craft projects, and See's chocolate.

2) One of my favorite things is when shampoo, conditioners, body lotions, things like that come with a pump. That small nifty gadget makes my life all the more easier. Seriously!

3) I have the ability to make friends quickly and easily. I'm friendly, conversational, and usually I intuitively sense a common interest or topic that allows me to bond with others.

4) I'm interested in many things - writing, poetry, psychology, philosophy, physical anthropology, religious studies, spirituality, nutrition, holistic health, meditation, beauty, fashion, interior decorating, ethnography, dance history, fitness, cooking, container gardening, crafts, abstract and conceptual ideas, debating, communications, languages, sexuality, nature, bartending, and random facts.

5) Compared or described to with an animal, I've been told the following - a squirrel cuz they're cute and spend all day searching for food just like me! :) A good friend of mine narrowed it down to three different animals - a dragon for ancient wisdom, a cat cuz I have a side of playfulness and I usually get my way without really trying, and a monkey cuz they're fucking crazy! LOL A goose - that explanation wasn't really elaborated. My friend said he saw geese at the park, and they have a lot of character. He said I'd have to see them to gain more insight. The same friend also described me to a gekko like the one from the Geico commercial. At first I was startled but his explanation made a lot of sense. He said the gekko's small, cute, everyone loves him, he's friendly, and he likes the sun. :)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

OCDing at Work

I'm starting to dislike this habit I'm developing. I'm glad I finally got a job that's more conducive to my personal goals and meets the kind of standards I desire, but I'm falling back on bad habits. Because I have the permission and freedom to web surf, that's how I fill my day. Of course I fulfill my job duties, as well, but I'm not taking advantage of this free time like I should be. I could be writing, but instead I'm looking at things in a patterned sort of way. I'm indulging my OCD.

I don't feel incapable of stopping, nor do I think I'd be overcome with an unsettling feeling. So it isn't stress-induced, just bad habits forming. I'm worry that if I don't stop and take advantage of this opportunity, this temp to hire won't turn into hire cuz the universe won't feel that my habits are conducive to my goals. So I really need to focus, but I have zero interest to pursue my writing projects. Why is that?

Do I deep down not want to develop those books I've always told myself I'm interested in? Is this related to my fear of beginning something when I'm uncertain of what my first step should be? Why am I so afraid of taking a step? These questions won't solve or change my habits, but I want to address them publicly. This way I'll recognize the concern for what it is, rather than continue down this path. Unfortunately I don't see myself reforming any time soon, but awareness is important. Rather than burying the truth so I don't have to deal with it, I'd rather express it, even if it takes me a while to correct it.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My Anxiety over Crafts

I was sharing with a friend recently that I have an anxiety disorder. I think it's the first time ever that I've admitted that to anyone. I've mentioned in passing before that I've experienced panic attacks but never have I fully addressed the source of my anxiety or acknowledged its existence beore. I doubt it's much of a surprise for people who know me cuz I have the personality type, but I've learned to become kick back over the years.

It's weird. Anxiety disorders are overwhelming, burdensome, a huge deal, and yet it isn't cuz it becomes a part of you and your body learns to somehow adapt to it like it's ordinary. It isn't until you have episodes are you really reminded of its severity and impact. But even then personally I find myself proceeding with my life cuz I don't want to stop and think about it. I feel like I've never really had the proper calibration of intensity and seriousness to ever discuss it. If I say it nonchalantly, do I sound disingenuous? I certainly don't want to be serious and solemn about it, either. I'm clearly over thinking it.

Just bringing the subject to the surface has made me a little more aware of my emotional stressors. Even small things can trigger me but never to the degree anymore (thankfully) that I rant about it on fb. It just passes through me. I've come a long way. I can't even recall what briefly affected me, but I remember knowing that my intensity in reacion wasn't proportionate to the event itself. I tend to forget these things cuz I no longer carry it within me, but the fact that it still impacts me the way it does reveals that I still need to work on trainin myself to "match" the circumstance so to speak. I can't deny who I am, but part of the reason why I stress so easily is due to habit. Seriously.

Anywas I told myself last night that I'd work on craft projects, but I didn't get a chance to. There's a paper shredder at work I planned on using, so this morning I gathered all my craft paper together. I was surprised by how overwhelmed I became. I feel like it's inaccurate to describe it as anxiety, stress, or panic. But whatever I was feeling is an offspring or a relative of those feelings. Not quite overwhelmed, burdened, confused, and paralyzed but within those proximity.

I came across a coloring book I remember purchasing after examining all six coloring books at the art store for many hours. I was hesitant and intensely contemplative about which one to buy. I finally decided to get one that was abstract but included color photos of each drawing. I needed a cheat sheet. That put me at ease and I needed that "support" to proceed. This is a decision a child could make easily and quickly, but I struggled with it.

As I was sifting through the array of scrapbook paper, my creativity didn't ignite. I didn't see artistic collaborations forming and visualizing in my mind. Rather rejections of color clashes and inadequate color combinations filled my mind. I was over thinking and analyzing everything. Last night I remember thinking that obver analysis murders intuition. I believe that creativity and intuition come from the same source, so it's understandable that I was creating a blockage in creative energy this way.

After researching possible layouts for a notepad project, I believe I came up with one. We'll see how it works out. :)

My Birthday Vision! :)

This is the first time EVER in my life that I've actually wanted to do something for my birthday, so it's a pretty big deal. I don't despise my birthday, but I never feel like making a fuss about it. It's too much work. I put in the effort for others, but the stress for my own birthday just doesn't sound appealing.

Growing up, my birthday was never celebrated or prioritized, and I realized that I don't need one day out of the year to know my loved ones appreciate me. Deep down I think I have a negative affiliation with my birthday. My parents married 6 days before I was born through a sheet of paper. They never had a happy marriage, and my mom's openly blamed me on numerous occasions that she's in this situation because she was pregnant with me.

Don't get me wrong. I really carry no regret about my parents' circumstance because I'm well aware that I'm NOT responsible for it! They're grown adults. They could've used protection, and I really don't want to know whether they did or not. Truth is sometimes it doesn't work. But alternatives were available for them. They're hardly ideal, which is why they're alternatives, but they still exist! From many talks I've had with my mom, it's painfully apparent that she's unaware of the distinctions between absolutely no choice at all vs. unfavorable alternatives. The type of adult who would blame her child who was adolescent for decisions she and her husband made reflects more on her character than anything.

I never appreciated the accusations, but I always knew the truth, that she was absolving and deferring responsibility, is immature, and frankly stupid. But with enough exposure to those kinds of complaints, they've undeniably had some influence over me. For a really long time, my birthday has been something I dread more than anything. I can't say my upbringing isn't responsible for it because in any other situation, I plan and coordinate events like birthdays.

Don't get me wrong. I've had enjoyable birthdays, and I'm grateful for them. But I give them the same appreciation and acknowledgement as any other day that's pleasant. Very rarely have I ever made the initiative to truly enjoy my birth. And I realize now that unless I make it a priority and initiate that kind of attention, my birthday will continue to be the way it has been for years. It's bearable, but I'd rather it be phenomenol!

Maybe it's because I'm older, but I know who I truly want to share this special day with. I no longer have to worry about the stress of hosting a birthday - the food, the cake, the clean up, the atmosphere, etc. It's just good company and the rest will naturally flow. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I hope my friends can make it because their absence would devastate me...

This is honestly the only positive childhood memory I have with my family, and it's not even that great of a memory. But it was absent of anything negative or hostile. I suppose my perception and standards were low back then, but I still carry that mentality when I reflect back on my past cuz I can't change my previous perspective; I can only change it in the present and in the future. For my eighth birthday, we enjoyed a mocha cake and I absolutely loved it! It was delicious!

I feel like the past couple of years, I've been slowly preparing myself to celebrate my birthday. And when I went grocery shopping, I saw a mocha cake for an affordable price. I don't mind purchasing my own cake, although I doubt my friends will allow me to. This mocha cake is a bigger deal to me than it should be. Anyways there are exactly only six people I want to spend this special day with. It'll be nothing big at all, just all of us gathering around to eat cake and enjoy each other's company. Nothing else. :)

Monday, February 6, 2012

To Feel is to be Human

I can't help but feel like I've already used that title before. If I have, I'm certain I was in a different state of mind. I was probably opening myself up to this reality as I was attempting to embrace it, but now feelings has become a part of me. And not in the way a resistant person buckles under the burden of it but in a way a child opens its arms to a world of possibilities. So much has changed. Of course, I have moments when I retreat. But my goal is to be open and receptive.

As I read through Barbara Sher's Live the Life you Love book, I find myself wanting to take a moment to really reflect on the section about Understanding Your Feelings. I came across this quote and am amazed by its accuracy. How did I not know this before? Had I have come across this information during my period of emotional estrangement, would I have become emotionally connected? Would it have opened my eyes to the world I was shadowing myself from? Would I have been able to understand it? I guess I'll never know.

"By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid, and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it."

What a beautifully expressed reality! I've gone through every series listed here and am astounded by how true it is! Another point that really resonated in me is the section that explains how feelings make us intuitive. "When you know what you feel, you know what others are feeling, too. You don't have to be psychic, just in touch with your own feelings. Animals and babies react instinctively to the feelings of others, because they're emotionally wide open. When you're in touch with your own feelings you also have a sense of what's going on behind people's facades." All of this is true.

What an anomaly we humans are! Feelings are a part of us, and we shouldn't reject them. I feel like so many of us limit our own understanding of how we feel as a result of shortsighted and incomplete thoughts. We all do it. I recognize it in myself as I read the above statement. I would've never known that being emotionally connected would make me aware, receptive, and observant of the feelings of others. I used to think that was limited to the clairvoyant. But the truth is the more familiar we are with something, the better we understand it. Feelings are no exception. Quite the opposite.

I have nothing further to add at this moment, but I feel like this entry is incomplete. Just felt like sharing. FELT! See what I did there? LOL

Love is Louder

This weekend I helped a really good friend of mine work on a documentary called Love is Louder. It's a beautiful message, and I'm honored to be included in such a powerful message. I love that I'm friends with someone who would get involved in a project like this and that she thought of me. I believe I was the first or one of the first people she hit up to share her vision.

I guess it's a testament of how much I've truly grown and evolved over the years. it takes a while for us to examine ourselves and really see how much we need to improve ourselves. Then we spend what seems like an exhaustibly long amount of time feeling helpless, unsure on how to proceed to become a better version of ourseles. When we finally gain some insights, which is still bleak and vague in the beginning, there's still an overwhelming amount of confusion. There's helplessness from not knowing the answers, and we begin to believe that once we find them, we'll be able to start our journey on self-improvement. But as time reveals, it's not quite so straightforward. Having the answers isn't the same as having a map.

Eventually my impatience led me to start moving anywhere, but I got lost and relapsed a lot. It's funny describing this cuz although I know it to be true, I couldn't give you any examples. Then all of a sudden out of a fog, it's like we found clarity and we're not quite so certain how we got there. Or at least that's how it was for me. So sometimes I forget the progress I've made cuz it's so much a natural part of me, but blessings like these are a wonderful reminder.

I'm glad that I've become a confident, secure, and comfortable enough of a person to express that I'm intelligent, insightful, sensitive, considerate, and caring enough that someone would ask my opinion on something so incredible! I, by no means, am trying to shift focus away from what turly matters, this documentary, but I really just wanted to express self-gratitude because I wasn't always this person. There's something exhilarating about being a part of something greater than ourselves because we were considered worthy and to be able to contribute to something like this. I was also really proud with my performance. In my scene, I cried and drank and portrayed a sense of aloneness until I was reminded otherwise.

I asked another friend to be a part of this, and he was amped to do it. It was the first time both of my friends met, and she was really grateful. I'm not surprised at all. Everything just came together organically, and I couldn't be more excited to see the final project! :)

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Things Seem to be Falling into Place

Much like relationships, it takes time to find things with quality and substance that we're compatible, receptive, and interested in. We go through a series of trials and errors. More often than not, we go through bad seeds and negative experiences first. I've come to realize that these unpleasant encounters shouldn't be viewed as mistakes but as lessons to be learned. Yes, much of these lessons are born through mistakes. But when we perceive them as mistakes, we develop a sense of inadequacy, insecurity, and regret. We lose the lesson because we focus and shift our energy on the wrong area. It's important to guard ourselves against that or else we lose years we could've spent educating ourselves and growing as a result.

After a considerable amount of time of landing short-lived, incompatible, and unacceptable work conditions, I finally obtained one that suits me well based on my performance abilities, desires, and personal interests. The pay is adequate, although not ideal. But it's a start and a fair one considering my responsibilities. It's slow paced enough that I'm able to work on my personal writing projects. I'm not financially vulnerable. I'm able to meet my financial needs and have a litle bit of a cushion. I'm surrounded by professional and mature people.

I'm regaining the positive energy within my surrounding. I'm slowly but surely eliminating an attraction for opposite sex friendships that have sexual agendas. I'm reconnecting with genuine people of the opposite sex who can, do, and prefer platonic friendships. I'm becoming comfortable with distancing myself from people who intuitively put me off for whatever reason.

After numerous years of attracting musicians into my life, I'm finally beginning to expose myself to it. I was told by a friend that I have a good ear for rhythm. And I could tell that he was genuine. Not the kind of thing someone says to be encouraging but the creative and rhymthmic flow was so powerful that he was excited and moved by it. It was an amazing experience.

I've been searching for answers on my path to personal fulfillment and career success. I've embraced that my mind rejects many conventional methods to obtain these things. But up until recently I've been at a loss for what MY path is. I'm still soul searching, but at least now I feel like I'm looking in the right direction.

I'm managing my intuition, so it doesn't overpower me. I'm learning to control my manifestation powers. I want to explore modeling and acting, which is something that's always appealed to me. But I've always been intimidated and too insecure to embrace it. I still have a lot of insecurities I need to work on, but I'm able to be honest with myself. I may doubt my attraction from time to time, but I recognize my beauty. That's a huge step for me.

I want to go into hand modeling, and there are certain people who I suspect have romantic or sexual interest in me that have offered to use me in their photography. Some of these people are good-hearted, but I don't want to be in situations where I have to reject people. Their energy is powerful and it's so much bigger than their actions, even if they choose to respect my decision that I'm not interested. I don't want to attract people like them with similar energy into my life. Everything has energy, and every energy has power. Some of it amplifies our energy and others deplete us. I'm only interested in replenishing and multiplying energy conducive to my goals and desires.

I started thinking about how convenient it would be to get someone's assistance immediately as I was waiting for someone else to provide me with their resources. Then the person I was contemplating to reach out to began to connect with me. I resisted in seeking his services, and my other resource came through just in the nick of time. Sometimes we have to trust our intuition and wait for what we truly want, rather than settle for what's available to us because things take time.

The things that matter to me and things I've been asking the universe to provide me with is finally starting to enter my life. The one aspect of my life that I'm not too happy with exhibits a level of uncertainty. But even that could be going in the direction that's best for me. Sometimes it's just hard to let go is all. I just have to remember that everything happens for a reason.