This is the first time EVER in my life that I've actually wanted to do something for my birthday, so it's a pretty big deal. I don't despise my birthday, but I never feel like making a fuss about it. It's too much work. I put in the effort for others, but the stress for my own birthday just doesn't sound appealing.
Growing up, my birthday was never celebrated or prioritized, and I realized that I don't need one day out of the year to know my loved ones appreciate me. Deep down I think I have a negative affiliation with my birthday. My parents married 6 days before I was born through a sheet of paper. They never had a happy marriage, and my mom's openly blamed me on numerous occasions that she's in this situation because she was pregnant with me.
Don't get me wrong. I really carry no regret about my parents' circumstance because I'm well aware that I'm NOT responsible for it! They're grown adults. They could've used protection, and I really don't want to know whether they did or not. Truth is sometimes it doesn't work. But alternatives were available for them. They're hardly ideal, which is why they're alternatives, but they still exist! From many talks I've had with my mom, it's painfully apparent that she's unaware of the distinctions between absolutely no choice at all vs. unfavorable alternatives. The type of adult who would blame her child who was adolescent for decisions she and her husband made reflects more on her character than anything.
I never appreciated the accusations, but I always knew the truth, that she was absolving and deferring responsibility, is immature, and frankly stupid. But with enough exposure to those kinds of complaints, they've undeniably had some influence over me. For a really long time, my birthday has been something I dread more than anything. I can't say my upbringing isn't responsible for it because in any other situation, I plan and coordinate events like birthdays.
Don't get me wrong. I've had enjoyable birthdays, and I'm grateful for them. But I give them the same appreciation and acknowledgement as any other day that's pleasant. Very rarely have I ever made the initiative to truly enjoy my birth. And I realize now that unless I make it a priority and initiate that kind of attention, my birthday will continue to be the way it has been for years. It's bearable, but I'd rather it be phenomenol!
Maybe it's because I'm older, but I know who I truly want to share this special day with. I no longer have to worry about the stress of hosting a birthday - the food, the cake, the clean up, the atmosphere, etc. It's just good company and the rest will naturally flow. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I hope my friends can make it because their absence would devastate me...
This is honestly the only positive childhood memory I have with my family, and it's not even that great of a memory. But it was absent of anything negative or hostile. I suppose my perception and standards were low back then, but I still carry that mentality when I reflect back on my past cuz I can't change my previous perspective; I can only change it in the present and in the future. For my eighth birthday, we enjoyed a mocha cake and I absolutely loved it! It was delicious!
I feel like the past couple of years, I've been slowly preparing myself to celebrate my birthday. And when I went grocery shopping, I saw a mocha cake for an affordable price. I don't mind purchasing my own cake, although I doubt my friends will allow me to. This mocha cake is a bigger deal to me than it should be. Anyways there are exactly only six people I want to spend this special day with. It'll be nothing big at all, just all of us gathering around to eat cake and enjoy each other's company. Nothing else. :)
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