I'm starting to dislike this habit I'm developing. I'm glad I finally got a job that's more conducive to my personal goals and meets the kind of standards I desire, but I'm falling back on bad habits. Because I have the permission and freedom to web surf, that's how I fill my day. Of course I fulfill my job duties, as well, but I'm not taking advantage of this free time like I should be. I could be writing, but instead I'm looking at things in a patterned sort of way. I'm indulging my OCD.
I don't feel incapable of stopping, nor do I think I'd be overcome with an unsettling feeling. So it isn't stress-induced, just bad habits forming. I'm worry that if I don't stop and take advantage of this opportunity, this temp to hire won't turn into hire cuz the universe won't feel that my habits are conducive to my goals. So I really need to focus, but I have zero interest to pursue my writing projects. Why is that?
Do I deep down not want to develop those books I've always told myself I'm interested in? Is this related to my fear of beginning something when I'm uncertain of what my first step should be? Why am I so afraid of taking a step? These questions won't solve or change my habits, but I want to address them publicly. This way I'll recognize the concern for what it is, rather than continue down this path. Unfortunately I don't see myself reforming any time soon, but awareness is important. Rather than burying the truth so I don't have to deal with it, I'd rather express it, even if it takes me a while to correct it.