Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Skate Through It

I recently went ice skating, and I'm giddy to report I didn't fall and was able to actually skate! Okay, so being able to ice skate at 27 may not seem particularly impressive, but I've gone ice skating before many, many times and I could hardly stand. I understand the instructions given to me, the proper technique I must execute to skate, but in the past my body has always locked up. I'm not sure why this time it was different.

Maybe it's because I've become more intuitive, can feel that everything has energy and I was able to channel my friend's relaxing vibe, or I've developed a better control of my body and learned to manage my stressors better. After all my body locking up was just a physical reaction to my extreme psychological fears. Without them, I can skate through it. Through my fears, through my thoughts...

Over time I was moving forward more easily but with added tension. Eventually my speed was increasing. Sometimes I had to stop over it. When I sang along to the music that was playing, I was doing much better. Maybe it had to do with the fact that skating required so much of my physical attention that my thoughts began to slip away and somehow it allowed me to deal with some things I've been struggling with. I was able to skate through it.

My thoughts sound the same as what I've told myself before, but this time it feels a little different. It's as if some subconscious epiphany has changed me. Of course, I can't prove it because it's all in my subconscious. That's just my intuition about it. What's in my past and what's behind me is there. I can't make it go away. But it feels nice to move forward, to feel the air around me. And that's what for the first time in a long time I want.

The more enjoyable moving forward is, the more comfortable I'm becoming about leaving my past behind me and even accepting the possibility that my future may not hold who I currently desire. And that's okay. I just have to skate through it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

My Mommy Loves Me

There's a popular saying that I find is often incomplete. "Blood is thicker than water... BUT LOVE IS MOST POWERFUL OF ALL." It's interesting how the last part is often left out. That notion that blood is thicker than water is an impersonal generalization that conveys an aspect of truth for some. While most of us talk in generalizations, when someone reminds us of it we seem well aware except in the case of this saying. Whenever someone tries to argue against blood is thicker than water, people ban together insisting on it as if it were the ultimate truth which is ignorant to me.

Child abusers, pedophiles, criminals, murderers, rapists, and so many horrible people are parents, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins... Things exist in this world that's unbelievably inhumane and we can't possibly understand why people are like that. There's so much we don't understand. And let's face it. We don't even know ourselves or even our family, not truly. Think about how much we all expertly keep from ourselves. We're bound to hide truths from the people around us. So for someone to tell me that the strongest bond only exists in blood ties are victims of their own projections.

I'm not saying this out of anger, resentment, or hostility. I'm no longer an emotional antsy teenager. I'm a level-headed, mature adult. I've had time to reflect on my past, the behaviors of my biological family and my own. I even talk to them now if that's what you call it. I don't feel what everyone's talking about with them. I've given up on trying to convince others who aren't interested in my perspective or experiences.

Not everything is made equal. I don't have that connection with my biological family, but I was fortunate enough to find one with my adoptive family. Much in the same way I hesitate to embrace when I'm happy, I keep myself at a distance from them. I feel like if I have no concrete evidence to be happy then embracing it will only become painful when the sadness sets in which has always been more real to me. The truth is happiness and sadness are emotions born from the same obscurity and abstraction. It's our perception that makes either one come to life more. Neither are truly tangible, so waiting around until I can feel, hold, and touch the happiness makes no sense.

Since I've created this blog, I've been saying that I'll embrace when I'm happy by expressing it and yet it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I ambiguously did just that. I created this blog two years ago. So this is going to take time, but I don't want to be absent in my mom and brother's life the way I have been all this time. Once I fully become aware of something, putting it into practice takes time. But it's a start.

I make excuses like we won't have anything to talk about, but the truth is every time I talk to them, we're never at a loss for words. I create irrational, inapplicable reasons to keep me in my "safe" zone. I just wish I had more to offer. I'm twenty seven with no boyfriend, no college credentials, no career path, and a limited background. But I got a text today from my mom saying that she loves me and is proud of the woman I'm becoming. Those qualities she's speaking of aren't based on superficial standards our society deems valuable; they're qualities that make me me. :)

I'm the only one seeing faults. I shouldn't stay away from them over it. Besides there's more at stake than me trying to keep myself safe where danger doesn't exist. My mom's going to have reconstructive knee surgery soon just in time for Thanksgiving... Knee surgeries are so delicate and can sometimes leave you worse off. She knows that. And Thanksgiving has always been a big deal for her, so it's going to pain her to have to sit this one out. I really should be there for her.

My brother and I talked about how we're going to be preparing Thanksgiving for her, and I can't even make it. I had exactly $30 leftover after I paid rent. Luckily I came into extra cash. Thank goodness for side hustle and my networking skills but not in time to secure a ticket back home. To make matters worse, I haven't been able to get a hold of my brother. Has he neglected to pay his cell phone or is it one of the crappy issues my phone is having? I think I'm going to close this entry out cuz it's starting to become depressing. My point is that my mom loves me for who I'm becoming, not the building components society deems valuable. :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Purpose Through Employment

While I can't say stagnancy has left my side, the air that's lifted around me and my recent exposure to the stillness has made me particularly sensitive to the transitional elements between both states. I realized that stagnancy is heavy but builds slowly, so you never see it until it's too late. You only know its presence when it's paralyzing and by then your senses have significantly deadened. It's imperative to snap out of it but where do you go? That's how I kept wasting my time. By waiting for something to whisk me away, move the energy around me, or find something that'll allow a shift within me, I was rotting away in the stillness of time.

When we become victim to stagnancy, we search and long to escape it. But that's a poor approach because finding something that exhilarates us takes time. It's without a doubt worth exploring, but sometimes a swift change in environment is what's needed. So putting forth our efforts and energy into a long and tedious task is an error. As my state of mind began to alter, I realized we have to manifest our desires through our emotions, that intensity that stirs in us that stagnancy has made doormat. No matter how much we disconnect to it, we're human. We're emotional by nature. It's just a matter of tapping into that. In our innate humanity exists our desire to soar, tap into that and we're able to lift from our funk.

As I took my first breath of fresh air in a long while, I was immersed in an abstract energy that's still lingering around me. Maybe that's what's protecting me from becoming stagnant again. I've spent more time exploring what I want to do with my life, a tireless task and one that's become more and more mundane which is kinda self-defeating when you think about it. But this time I didn't delve "deeper" the way I normally do. My version of delving deeper is a formulaic approach of analyses that buries me deeper and deeper into facts, while separating me from an untapped passion that at best has simmered. I don't know if I was aware of that before, though.

I've been doing this same dance around job, career, a need for finance to survive in this society, etc etc. I'm tired of seeking jobs, not careers, because it leaves me unsatisfied. It's terrible for my self-esteem. And then I feel weak for so easily feeling inadequate over a job. Why am I that invested in it? But searching for careers is just discouraging as I'm ineligible for so many of them. And I can feel in my core that going to school isn't my path. I'm running out of time. I shouldn't be wasting it sitting in a classroom where I feel stifled and under stimulated. I know I'm missing a link.

I always tell people about how important it is to take the time to find your true passion, no matter how time consuming and discouraging it is. We either put forth the energy towards obtaining a life that we truly want or we wither away, merely existing. If you can't find what you're looking for or it doesn't exist, you have to create it. How is it that I express this powerful message with alarming results of epiphanies in others and it's only now I'm sensing its true power? Even though it came from me. I guess it's true what they say. You never really know your own light. It's hard to know yourself until you step back and take a look from the other side. Only then are you able to get a glimpse of what others see.

Sometimes all I need is a little exposure to open my mind. I realized that I'm going to overcome this stagnancy and protect myself from future attacks by searching for purpose through employment. No more weakening myself over the power of words like jobs and careers. That just leads down an overbearing path. By doing this, I'm open, receptive, and I look forward to this endeavor. It's been a long time since I've felt this way.

I've looked through cruise jobs and a few non-profits including teaching English as a second language. I'm hoping to obtain more knowledge towards non-profits. But I'll need some sort of income. I'd love to work with kids, do something educational, maybe start a community garden, be a youth group leader/coordinator, help build shelter, or counsel people.

Without the educational training or employment experience, compensation will be low. Then again, compensation in these fields are low anyways. Had I have gone to school, that extra cash flow would only be distributed to tuition loans. So I'd essentially have the same amount of play money as I do now based on my experience and background. Money is only prevalent in this society because it's required to sustain a living.

I'll need a roof over my head and hopefully these organizations can offer me that. Then I really won't need a lot of money. Food is of course also a factor. I imagine myself being in a community area where food will be shared by all, and I'll be more than happy to grow and cook for contribution. I really hope I find the resources, existing organizations, and the courage to proceed with this.

The idea of traveling to a foreign country for a long-term project away from friends and the familiar comforts of my life is not only unimaginable but paralyzing. Not paralyzing in a frightening sense but I sense no movement in it. Obviously movement will have to occur in order for this to take place. As much as I pride myself on being independent and exploring opportunities, this makes me hesitant. If someone gave me instructions on exactly how to do this, who to talk to, all the answers were provided for me, and I was told when to depart, I'm more inclined to follow. But as an adult, I'm expected to gather this information on my own. Without it, I'll be unable to proceed.

During which time I can procrastinate. I'm also afraid to let go. I've never really been the relationship girl before. I've also hardly met anyone I've been interested in. Maybe it's because finally I have or because I'm getting older, but if I leave this world to enter a different country, I reset my course of life as I know it. Will I separate myself from a potential mate? Will I be restarting the searching process? Will I become that woman who does great deeds with no love in her life? (I'd rather not fall prey to that Pisces fate). Or is this the path to find love? All these dizzying questions make me want to stay where I am and run into the arms of someone who can keep me warm at night. But that won't bring me PURPOSE THROUGH EMPLOYMENT AND THAT IS WHAT I SEEK!

Sabotage, Go Away!

I’m ashamed of my recent behavior. I spent the past few years improving myself. I allowed some negativity to seep away and welcomed positive acknowledgements of myself. I can say honestly that I believe I’m an attractive woman. Even with a petite figure, I consider myself sexy. I used to view sexiness as a sign of curves, which I believed I lack. I have smaller curves but small is still something and it fits my figure. Once I began recognizing these qualities in myself and embraced them, I began to both notice and attract others who saw it in me as well.

As I’m typing this out, I’m having an epiphany. I’ve made progress on a superficial level. Outer beauty only goes so far. There’s so much more to me than what the eye can see. In the past few years, I did more than see what was already there. I became a better person.

I've become empathetic, receptive, and able to help people. Others gravitate towards me and open up to me about their struggles. I offer them encouragement and support. I’m perceptive and personalize my approach uniquely to each individual. I realize the value of self-growth and change. Already aware of diversity and individuality, I know not to force my hand. I’m a dominant personality and have excellent people skills, so the truth is I can manipulate and coerce people to make rapid progress and improvements. But it isn’t the end result as much as the journey, the discoveries and lessons you learn along the way that truly matter. Keeping these things in mind, I make a positive difference in peoples’ lives.

It also allows me to be intuitively attuned, which is essential for me. It’s as much a benefit for me as it is for my friends. Altruism is also a new facet I’ve developed. Being intuitive has also made me more understanding, patient, and tolerant. Awareness really brings these qualities out of me. Impatience, I’ve discovered, is a result of imbalance. It’s a side effect. We have difficulty accepting that we can’t control everything. Intolerance comes from ignorance, a lack of understanding, limitation in exposure, and inexperience. Intuition allows me to understand things at a deeper level, making me patient and tolerant. The apparent struggles in my friends make me more considerate, thoughtful, and generous. I’m inspired to offer them some sort of comfort.

Please know that I’m not trying to roll out the I’m perfect carpet, but I want to bring some balance into my life. I’m so quick to criticize myself and yet I refrain from acknowledging positive qualities. I’m not being egotistical, conceited, or vain; I’m being open and honest. And this weekend has been a demonstration of how I need to embrace all of my positive qualities.

When you have low self-esteem, you’re more likely to reject love or any kind of affection. I’m now more receptive to the attention and idea of guys being attracted to me, but on an intimate level, I still keep myself at a distance. Any sign (I interpret) as his disinterest and I become unpleasant. I’m consumed with negativity and transparent self-criticism. I don’t verbalize them, not out of consideration for others, but because I can’t bear facing the idea of being rejected for being inadequate. Yet everything has energy. So what I’m not articulating is still being subliminally released.

The more abstract and intangible something is like feelings, the more fragile I become. Instead of being open, receptive, affectionate, comfortable, and genuine, I act in contradiction to what I want to keep me safe. I’m rigid in what I hear and glue myself to negativity, unwilling to release myself from it or face the possibility that people change their minds. There’s a guy I like who’s become more affectionate and I can feel his feelings for me deepening, but I remember him withdrawaling. This is a relationship guy who had me and began pulling away. I’m only left believing that it’s because he’s not interested anymore.

Something he said could’ve been interpreted in two different ways and of course I concluded and closed it off as the negative one. He was less intimate but wanted to spend more time with me. He became more affectionate and more open but then he all of a sudden withdrew. When we talked about it, he said he wanted to see me but didn’t want to hurt me and slow down because we were leading towards a relationship and he didn't want to move too quickly. I revealed to him that I thought he was losing interest in me and he said, “No, quite the opposite.”

One can argue that he’s beginning to like me and is taking things carefully. The opposing argument is that he’s withdrawaling because he doesn’t want to end up in a relationship with me and doesn’t want to hurt me. When I wanted to talk to him and call him, I didn’t. He usually makes the effort, so I thought his distance was a desire of his and I didn’t want to counter that with my presence. He thought that was nuts and said I should’ve called him.

When we were around each other, he was fairly affectionate but not as much as before. I suppose if I reciprocated, we could’ve reached that level again. Of course, I withdrew. People observed us sarcastically as the picture of happiness. I was unhappy and did everything I could to almost retain that feeling. I gave him some oranges and took only what I needed. He told me to leave one for him at my place, so he can eat it. It was a gesture that he was trying to warm me up to, but I ruthlessly rejected that orange. How insane is that?

I was snappy and my attitude infected him. I’m not excusing my behavior, but this is also around the same time a few of my friends were going through a hard time. I think I was channeling some of their emotions. Instead of detaching myself from them as I usually do, I felt too defeated to put in the effort that’s required to do just that. It affected my well-being, and I took it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Now I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to give him reasons to not want to be with me, despite what my self-sabotaging actions may suggest.

If every time we get close, I do something to make even the idea of spending time with me appealing, I’ll be securing a no relationship guarantee. That’s honestly not what I want. And how I’ve been behaving isn’t who I am. Of course, how am I supposed to convince him of that? He only knows what he sees. And once the damage is done, it’s done.

I criticized and obliterated my existing positive qualities. As I was developing new ones, it didn’t occur to me that I’ll once again destroy them harshly because that habit is imbedded in me. I thought I was so hard on myself before because I believed what my parents told me. I thought once I believed in myself that my behavior would change, but unfortunately that isn’t so.

Fortunately, however, I’m aware. No matter what happens with him, he’s already proven himself as a friend for life. Even if I ruin my chances at a romantic endeavor, I’ll always have what matters most - our friendship. I see girls being brutal to my friends and eventually it wears on them and they go their separate ways. My friends look back at those toxic experiences kind-heartedly saying that she’s a good person, but she’s too insecure and it was too much for me. No matter how awful they were to them, my friends always saw the good in them. I’m not nearly as horrible as them (not that it matters because it isn’t a comparison or competition), but I hope no matter what I do, my goodness will always triumph.

This plea is more about self-empowerment than it is about rejection because this is bigger than some guy. This is about my self-esteem. I need to be more secure in myself and know that I’m worth it. I need to be liberated from my emotional imprisonments. Not just for any guy who’s involved with me but for myself.

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Traveler's Spark?

The less I think of the idea of traveling (not that I've given it much conscious thought) and the more I resonate on the idea of it, the more intriguing and less frightening, impossible, and radical it becomes. Or maybe it's a new level of awareness I reached with a guy. There are two guys that I really like. One I've known for a few years now, and we've developed a deep connection with each other. But our undying habit of keeping each other at a distance hasn't allowed much growth in our relationship. With his financial troubles, he moved out of state and is now considering taking a job on a cruise. So he's not really around. There's another guy who I'm really beginning to really like, but I guess every situation has challenges to hurdle. Although I may be rash in interpreting hesitation, a natural reaction before something serious develops as defeat. But I want to stay focused on topic, though.

I have been feeling stagnant, but today I feel more lively, lighter. I found some writing inspiration and found a way to channel something I've been struggling with. It's titled "Dear Izzy" and I believe it's made a world of difference. I've also come to some realization about something. Sometimes I need to immerse myself fully in something, no matter how painful or negative it is and not let other factors tether me down. It's more devastating, but once I know what I'm dealing with, the better I can handle it and that's a necessary step to move forward. I felt imprisoned for the past three years, not able to let go and I'm no longer trying to force a separation. Honesty is the best medicine.

I just want to take this moment to appreciate the mood I'm in. As I entered the library as I've been doing for so long now as I do on a regular basis, I realized how stagnant I've been as I continue the same motions everyday. Then the idea of traveling became a welcome idea. :) I'm not sure it's something I want to jump into right away, but I like that I'm beginning more open to it. It's no longer this foreign, impossible lifestyle outside of my reach and potential.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

To Travel This Stagnant Energy

Today's weather reflects my mood and internal state of mind. It's gloomy but mild. Not at all intense in heat or windy. The air is still and flat. Stagnant such is my state of mind.

I never seem to have both feet standing within the same space but one foot in each side of the water or opposing force, perpetuating this paradoxical state that leaves me unsatisfied. It's difficult to enjoy what I'm immersed in when I'm distracted and unable to focus on what I'm experiencing since it's only a partial experience. I can also feel the echo of wherever else I'm standing in. It's in my nature to never completely jump into something. I dip one foot in and leave the other foot out. It's my comfort zone. If I put both feet in the water, I'm dizzy from the overwhelming change and find myself quickly reverting to my partial immersion.

It's devastating when you feel like you can only manage life when you're pussy footing your way around it. I can either stay where I am, unsatisfied and stagnant. Longing for something more. Or I can withdrawal even further or dive into something and make a splash. These changes require some adjustment and until it takes place, I find myself struggling and drowning. Why does it have to be so difficult before it can become enjoyable? I'm not even sure it can be because frankly I've never lasted long enough before I withdrew entirely.

I don't know if I made a vow in my past life or if I subliminally made a promise to the universe now, but it seems like if I'm not working towards a conducive path, things just seem to fall apart. I'm able to find enough side hustle to make rent, but besides that I can't seem to tether myself to much. I don't understand. This has nothing to do with the economy because I get tons of job offers, but they don't last for a myriad of reasons that really are out of my control - delayed bus, technical error I'm not responsible for, a miscommunication that's later followed by an apology because I wasn't at fault but the damage is done by then, a company falls apart and loses funding, a company decides to relocate, etc etc!!!

My intuition has developed a lot over the years and I can sense when I'm not on the right path. I seem to encounter more errors than anything. So what am I supposed to do? Continue to get rejected and carry that kind of energy around me? Or continue to keep looking since I'm coming across enough freelance gigs to keep me afloat as I continue to become discouraged? No one's optimist 100% of the time, but it's becoming exhausting.

I feel like nothing new is happening where I am. Maybe I need a change. Sometimes the universe attracts a specific type of energy or type of people into my life - artists, musicians, travelers, etc. Lately I've come across a lot of travelers and I've been channeling my friends' thoughts. I've been thinking about Brazil which is crazy because I've never been interested in going there and know almost nothing about it. As it turns out, a good friend of mine is thinking of going there. Great... Can I even trust my own thoughts then? Or are they just echoes of the people around me? Do I really want to travel or am I just accessing their desires and thoughts? I used to consider intuition invasive for others I channel, but now I find it a rude interference against myself. What gives!

I feel so flaky when I complain that things aren't going well and then instead of setting my roots where I am, I begin ranting about traveling. But the world is so huge. It's tragic to stay idle for too long when you aren't feeling fulfilled and there aren't any reasons to stay. I love my friends, but I don't have anyone in my life, no children, no pets, no career, nothing that's tethering me to LA and life has become predictable, mundane, and unexciting. Traveling would be an invigorating, eye-opening, and breathtaking experience. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad that I appear unattached and embrace my openness to travel.

I just wonder if this is just talk. After all, I have no money and no idea where I want to travel. How will I do it? What will I do once I'm there? Wherever that destiny may be. These are questions I need answered, but maybe they're worth exploring. I'm not the only person that's encountered these barriers. Do I really want to become one of those people who pose these questions, leaving them unanswered as I continue to endlessly float by? Even bad traveling experience will still offer me something new, and that's what I really want.

By the way it bothers me that it takes someone I'm intimate with for these things to be revealed to me. Why can't I have these insights independent of someone else? I'm not trying to chase after him. But I recognize a spark in him that exists within myself. Besides I'd be exploring a different part of the world in a different way anyways. Still though....

I've been thinking of reaching out to my friends who travel and I feel like when I really manifest the desire to explore these choices, I connect with them but only brief. It fizzles down almost as quickly as my vigor to explore the world. I don't understand. I'm independent, curious, and thirst to discover my surrounding. I love to feed myself with knowledge. New experiences invigorate me. I'm social and find myself readily able to connect to new environments better than most (locally though). I don't have attachments that tie me to one place because I've never been very close to my family.

So why am I so resistant about the idea of change? For someone who independent, I was fearful of painting my apartment by myself because I didn't want to fail at it. It's paint! If I make a mistake, I can always paint over it as my friend reminded me. Yet I was terrified to do it on my own. That sounds more dependent than independent. I like change and I don't need to be surrounded by my material possessions. So why am I so scared?