Monday, July 16, 2012

I Can'ts and I Need to's

Are you familiar with the Laws of Attraction? They say that the first and last word used in a sentence is where the energy will travel, regardless of desire cuz the universe will respond to the energy being channeled at that moment. So if you say "I don't want it to rain." The universe will interpret that as "I" (me, the person in desire) and "rain" (as the source of desire). So I'm communicating that I want it to rain when in fact what I truly want is for it to be sunny. What I should really state is "I want it to be sunny." Plus using positive statements, instead of negatives like "don't."

It makes sense, and I certainly want my desire to be effectively communicated so that I may attain it. But in all honestly I resisted cuz I didn't want the responsibility of having to be conscientious of my speech. It wasn't just that, though. I didn't want to feel like a failure for not succeeding. I haven't even tried it and already I was anticipating it! Talk about self-sabotage... The truth is I'm not going to get this right my first time, but that shouldn't be a reason to not try. Furthermore, not taking responsibility is such an adolescent mentality. It'll take effort and at times can be frustrating, but it's necessary for improvement and self-growth.

So I've decided to give it a try. It's interesting how seeing the damage we cause really encourages us to better ourselves. Sometimes we need that incentive. One day I aspire to be someone who wants to better herself without those motivations, but at the moment I'm going to value the lessons my friends have enforced in me.

I have a friend who's surrounded by vegetarians and vegans, so she expressed how relieved she was that I eat meat cuz her other friends make her feel bad. I don't support that. I fully acknowledge that as a meat eater, I'm indirectly supporting the death of animals and that's not what I want. However I make that decision anyway and it's a personal choice. I don't think others have a right to judge me and insinuate that I'm a terrible person. That's not fair. You may not agree with my decision, but I take full responsibility for it.

I noticed my friend's pattern of absolving responsbility and personal strength. She said that she acknowledged her desire to eat meat cuz she ate it as a child and has a taste for it. I don't like the idea that we're imprisoned to our past. And I don't believe it. There are some things that are more difficult to escape and realistically some things are inescapable because a past is a part of us. But something like this is different. We have the ability to re-wire ourselves, and I know it cuz I'm one of them.

I have imbalanced hormones and have a huge appetite for meat. It was revealed that my body metabolizes meat too quickly, so my body is in a state of malnourishment. I used to have protein shakes that released protein into the body slowly. I've also recently discovered that I'm a O Blood Type. O bloods have a dietary staple of meats and vegetables cuz it's been predicted that O's were the first people, so at that time our diets were rich in meat and vegetables. Grains and dairy were introduced later. That means that I have a predisposition for a meat based diet, and I won't ignore it. But that doesn't mean I'm eternally attached and unable to ever escape a meat diet ever. That's how my friend sounds when she talks, and I was surprised by how much it frustrated me.

She also says stuff like she needs to smoke and drink, which isn't true. No, she's not an addict. I'm not concerned about that. She's weak is what she is. She uses necessity as a crutch, so she doesn't have to develop discipline. I believe we all succumb to this kind of thinking at some point in our lives, and I'm certainly guilty of it.

I may sound callous to talk negatively about my friend, but I believe she's earned it. I'm not saying positive things about her,which is sad cuz she's my friend, but I'm only recording the truth. If anything, I want her behavior to serve as a reminder for me to work on myself. By seeing me grow as a person, maybe one day she'll decide to do the same. I'd much rather praise her than talk bad about her, but I want to acknowledge these unfavorable qualities on my blog rather than let it boil inside of me cuz I find that when I write about my annoyances and frustrations, I give them enough attention to give them a chance to transform. I'm not saying these things to be cruel or satisfy some inner gossip girl. I just can't keep them inside of me. I have to release it somehow, and I'd much rather do it on here than somewhere else. Really I should thank her cuz she's inspried me to better myself. I hope I don't come off pretentious cuz that's certainly not my goal. But I believe I got what I needed from this experience. A safe place to express my frustrations, perspective, insight, and desire. Thanks!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

What People Conceal

Quite a bit has happened since my last entry since it's been a while... My long term health concern has been resolved. It's been a bittersweet experience. I'm grateful that the problem has been identified and corrected. However after uncovering the problem, it's frustrating to think of how unavoidable the delay in treatment and identification could have been. But what's past is past, right? :)

As I intuitively suspected, this was rooted in a gynecological issue. My complex cyst has been removed during a laparoscopy. There were some unexpected complications. Thankfully my ovary is intact. It was touch and go for a moment there. It was discovered that I have endometriosis and chronic inflammation. My left fallopian tube and left ovary was so swollen that it was pushing my uterus down! No wonder why I was in so much pain! That accounted for the unidentified pain. Unfortuately my fallopian tube was removed cuz it was damaged beyond repair, and the only purpose it was serving was to shift my uterus out of alignment. Given the circumstance, the removal of my tube was the best thing to do. I fully understand that, but my concern is endometriosis attacked my left fallopian tube. What's to say it won't do that to my remaining one?

That's a frightening notion especially since there's no cure for endometriosis and at best, birth contraceptives are used to manage the pain. I, however, have always reacted negatively to the pill. I've tried them all. The low dose caused heavy period and severe cramps that debilitated me during the day. The high dose caused severe leg pain so intense that it woke me from my sleep. I can't return to that. Even my gynecologist who was advocating for the pill said I have to weigh the risk. The truth is that I was in a lot of pain and I ended up being hospitalized, so it's serious. But I was still far less debilitated when my organs were being pushed down than how my body was reacting to the pill.

I'm not a medical expert, and I can't guarantee that the decision I'm going to make is the right one. But I refuse to do something that's going to make me feel worse. So I've decided to explore alternative options such as acupuncture. I was recommended someone who specializes in endometriosis. We'll see where that lands me.

I'm finally able to look for work. I'm manifesting a job at the library at a specific location. The pay works wonderfully for me and will allow me to pursue other interests. I spend so much time at the library anyways. Please send positive energy my way to manifest this desire! I'm also waiting to heal, so I can return to modeling. I'm looking for Asian modeling agencies and other companies that are looking for my demographic :)

I created this title, but this experience has made me realize what people are able to conceal. My body hid this huge health problem and although it was trying to cry out to me, the truth is that it expertly hid quite a bit. Upon uncovering aspects of some of my friends attitudes, it's given me another dimension in my perspective. But I'm not inclined to express it right now, so that'll be for another entry. :)

Monday, July 2, 2012

When I Lose Touch with my Inner Goddess

I'm not a religious person; I'm more spiritual, if anything. I'm inclined to say that I believe in a Higher Being, although I feel less certainty now as I express this than years ago. I can confidently say that I believe there's a power greater than all of us and we're all connected to it. What that is, I couldn't even speculate.

Actually as my fingers keep typing away, I realize that isn't true. This greater power I believe we're all connected to could be a Higher Being. Or maybe it's the collective power innate in all of us that I sense. I believe each of us has the ability to manifest our desires. Some are better at it than others and variations exist just like we are as people. Some are tall, some are short, some are smart, some are sadly stupid, some are weak, some are strong....and so forth. Not everyone can manifest their abilities as easily as others.

I'd like to believe that I'm sensing the collective energy innate in all of us cuz it's an empowering idea. It's within our control to manifest our desires, materialize our dreams, and bring them to life. Even if a Higher Being does exist, I believe that it's still within our powers to achieve what we want out of life and too many of us (myself included) seek out external sources of assistances, rather than relying on our inner strength. This presence of power that exists in each of us is a marvelous thing, so I'm going to refer to it as our inner God or Goddess.

I, by no means, mean no disrespect to anyone who may find offense to my philosophy. I'm not trying to undermine any Higher Being. But since I'm not religious and I don't go to church, this is my equivalent. I hear people talk about how am imbalance is created when they lose touch with God and/or stop going to church, and when they reconnect, they're reminded of this ominous presence that empowers them. Well I don't go to church, but my body is my temple. And when I lose touch with myself, my soul that resides within my physical body that I'm going to refer to as my inner Goddess, a similar sense of imbalance occurs.

My life became stagnant and listless as I became discouraged. And I resisted in continuing to write about the same struggles cuz it was only perpetuating the energy I wanted to transform. But that led to my absence and negligence of this blog. Since I had nothing to write about, why even visit? I contaminated other aspects of my life with this same discouraging mentality.

I'm not quite sure when things shifted for me, and I can't even articulate the change. It's so slight that I'm even vulnerable to a relapse. You know when you're struggling and the pain dominates your life? It's so overwhelming and you can't escape it. As abstract and obscure as it is, people find a way to express it in a detail that's universal and tangible to many others who are going through the same thing or have once felt the same way. Yet when we overcome it, it's a liberating feeling but it's a process that can't quite transfer on paper or in this case the virtual world. I'm not quite sure why that is, but it's a personal, private accomplishment. It's one of the most life changing experiences. People have written books on how to get there, but the actual transition is this invisible force, unwritten and unrecorded. However evident it is when we're transformed by it.

I just want to take this moment and remember what happens when I lose touch with my Inner Goddess, so I'm more conscientious and continue to deepen my connection.