Sunday, April 29, 2012

There's Happiness and Then There's Happiness

This is something my mind has been circling around a lot lately. But I've resisted from blogging about it cuz it's still such an obscure concept. I guess I've been thinking that there are two kinds of happiness. (Okay, I don't really believe that but these are the two that my mind keeps returning to).

When I think of one of the type, a specific group of friends come to mind. They're in their thirties and are content with their lives. They enjoy waking up, spending time with friends, and they're financially secure. They don't have particularly satisfying jobs. It's not mentally challenging. Retail, customer service, or call center jobs tests our patience, but it's a skill you develop over time. Even maid work. These are jobs that high school students can be trained to do.

So their source of happiness certainly doesn't come from their employment. Maybe their standards are lower. Maybe they just have a healthy perspective on the matter that I lack. I'm not sure what it is. All I know is I haven't been able to be happy with those types of jobs. I don't think less of them for not aspiring for a different career. I just wonder how they do it. Although it doesn't really matter cuz I'm not like them, and I'm not even sure I want to be. But that doesn't mean I don't envy their ability to be happy.

I feel like my feelings exist in a paralleled or suspended state between a mild sense of unhappiness as a result of no career and a feeling of indifference over it all cuz I haven't found anything to be passionate over. I seem to develop ambitions and aspirations, but I have no motivation to pursue them. I sound lazy and I can't confidently say I'm not. But I bust my ass making ends meet. It's not the habit of a lazy person. It'd be less strenuous to work towards a career. I can't help but feel like I'm not driven cuz I haven't found something worth my time and attention. That excuse gets old and frustrating, though, cuz if I can't find something that really captivates me, then do I continue down this path of uncertainty? How annoying do I sound? The other happiness is probably more accurately described as self-fulfillment or at least that's the source of happiness obtained through a successful career. I don't define successful as lucrative but emotionally gratifying.

I guess I'm searching for both forms of happiness since I don't feel connected to either of them. I'm not unhappy or depressed, but I want to feel more than I already do. This isn't meant to be a downer entry. It's just a thought that's been dominating my mind and I wanted to release it, so I can focus my thoughts on other matters.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

A Lil About Me Feature of the Month

1. In my fifth grade yearbook, I wrote that when I grow up I want to become a writer and travel to France. I still hold those desires. I forgot how into France I was until the past couple of years when I developed friendships with a few French people. I have French cousins, and France has always carried that intrigue for me. Although I could care less about the Eiffel Tower. The last thing I want to do is spend a substantial amount of time going up many, many stairs only to say I did something achievable and is only considered significant cuz it's practically iconic. I have no personal connection to it. I also want to have the French experience since I'm told I have a European mentality. As an adult I've become interested in traveling to India cuz although I'm not a religious person, I believe the most intense experience will occur in a contrasting environment. The country looks beautiful, the devotion admirable, it's amazing the variety of food offered through a limited ingredient scale, and the design and colors used are absolutely gorgeous!

2. I want to paint an Arabian door on my wall, a mural, above my bed to serve as a "headboard." I want that ethereal, whimsical, almost Aladdin like look, rounded edges and soft corners. Many murals I found online feel either too busy or too boring for me. I want to personalize it by having a message written in braille. I used to read braille. A message will definitely be present, but it won't be overwhelming or distracting with the over usage of words. It creates an essence of mystery, too.

3. I really enjoy container gardening. Unfortunately I'm not home regularly enough to make such a commitment worthwhile. I also have neighbors that not only steal the produce but litter in it that I've lost interest in it sadly. When I was enjoying the process I grew strawberries, tomatoes, Italian basil, lemon basil, Thai basil, cilantro, parsley, oregano, thyme, radishes, carrots, shiso leaves, peppermint, mizuna, and wild arugula. I believe everyone should try their hand at gardening and begin with radishes cuz they grow quickly and abundantly. It's fun and encouraging.

4. I have a natural talent for communication, which must be why languages come more easily to me than others. Don't get me wrong. It doesn't mean I don't study hard, but I seem to be more receptive to it. Although I also have a tendency to forget unused material, as well. My Japanese used to be phenomenal. Now I seem unable to complete a sentence without tripping on a word here or there... :/ I grew up in a Russian neighborhood, so I picked up on that rather quickly. At best now I can make intuitive assessments. I was in Spanish 2B in high school. Now I can barely order food in Spanish. I dabbled in learning French, but I've hit a road block. I also knew American sign language, Japanese sign language, and braille.

5. I have this obsession of taking pictures of food I make, food I order, basically food within my proximity.

6. Summer is my party season cuz oddly enough when I drink, I get cold. I mean shivering and shaking in an uncontrollable capacity. But when I drink during the hot season, I go from feeling like it's 100 degrees to normal weather. I don't feel hot or cold, just fine. :) I like gurly fruity drinks. I'm a girl, small, and Asian. Not like I'm going to be knocking back shots. I'm okay with that. It makes the bill more affordable.

7. Most of my friends are guys and I have a platonic energy. I'm okay with that. I don't really welcome deceptive guys masquerading as my friend to get into my pants anyway. I find it insulting to my intelligence and a poor use of effort on the guy's part especially when guys get frustrated that they're unsuccessful in seducing me and as a result begin to resent me and lash out at me when I've been honest from the start. It's an adolescent way to respond to things not going according to your plan. You don't get what you want, so you bitch. Why can't adults be mature and gracious at the face of reality?

8. I want to learn to play the violin.

9. I was adopted when I was fourteen. My mom and my brother mean more to me than they will ever know. I was fourteen when the woman I met who would eventually become my mother showed me what being compassionate and caring truly is. It's a rather delayed age to learn emotional qualities we should all be familiar with, but I'm just grateful I experienced it and learned it through her.

10. My absolute favorite color is purple. My aura's purple. My birthstone is amethyst, a purple crystal. And my personality describes purple traits - spiritual, mystical, unconventional, untraditional, eccentric, unique, original, etc. :)

The Unproud American

I think I'm growing both tired and ashamed of my own cultural heritage. I never felt connected to my Japanese and Korean roots. But at least when I was growing up, it felt natural and appropriate that I adopted the American culture. I was born here after all. It was a different time, though.

Maybe I was naive and unaware of what was happening when I was younger which I'm certain is partially true, but the world really has changed. I used to describe myself as an American because I'm open-minded, culturally receptive, independent, an advocate of self-empowerment, believe in the chance for opportunities, and a supporter of freedom of expression. I still hold these values, but they no longer represent America. It's a facade if this illusion is conveyed, and frankly no one really bothers to even articulate the deceit anymore. 

I'm not even sure where to begin. So many of my friends are leaving the country because this is no longer the place people travel to for new opportunities like once upon a time. It's the country people leave or get kicked out of and with good reason. This reality is becoming more real to me as I become more aware and unable to ignore them especially with how it's been affecting me personally. The truth is these things effect all of us, but sometimes its impact is indirect or subtle enough to really matter. Not for me. 

Every country has flaws and I doubt the States is the only one guilty of faults. But what should be rare occurrences are becoming a normality that we, as citizens, silently accept because the structure is set up to leave us disadvantaged. We're debilitated from repair and uneducated or restricted to make improvements or changes. I'm referring not only to malicion but the set up, as well. 

Despite the economic downfall, I've been able to find work. But keeping a job is a different story. And yet I'm no longer seen as someone with a retention problem since this outcome is common. I took a career assessment test that measures how much my income would have to be in order to maintain my desired expenses. I kept everything at an all time minimum. I selected a studio apartment, a car since I'm an adult, groceries only to cook at home, and very little indulgences such as internet which is practically a necessity nowadays. I didn't select cable, shopping for clothes and accessories, and other frivolous expenses. And yet my income would have to be crazy high to sustain living in my area that my career choices excluded any best suited for my skills and abilities. Labor intensive positions dominated career choices to fit my financial lifestyle. -_____- I'm a girl that weighs 96 pounds. I can't do labor. 

I live in a bachelor (a studio without a kitchen) and I take public transportation which I don't mind. But it's the same form of travel I used as an adolescent cuz it's the only choice I can afford as an adult. I really don't like that restriction. I can't realistically see myself upgrading based on financial circumstances. 

You know it's a bad sign when unemployment offers more financial stability than actual employment. Many companies only hire part-time employees, which means either I penny pinch like crazy and can't afford anything to go wrong which is unlikely or accumulate debt which I'm grateful I've been able to avoid. But being hired as an employee doesn't mean I have strictly part-time hours, which would make me eligible for unemployment. Not that I want to rely on government funding, but sometimes when I don't have money, I need it... Part-time employees can temporarily be assigned full-time hours. In the state of California after three consecutive weeks of full-time hours, employees must receive benefits. So many companies hire employees as part-time workers and over work us anywhere from 40-90 hours and then drop us to barely 20 hours on the third week. This vicious cycle continues. Many people are also hired as seasonal employees and then re-hired months later. Or to be hired as full-time employees, we have to sign a contract that forfeits our right to benefits. 

It's such exploitation. I'm only able to make ends meet with catering and bartending gigs which don't come around often enough. You'd think not having a higher education plays a role but before you think it's appropriate to criticize me for my limited educational background, it doesn't apply. Many college graduates are in greater debt including doctors who are unable to find work. Many college graduates are denied jobs cuz their crendentials make them over qualified and companies can't afford to pay a higher salary. 

Downgrading or having roommates become inevitable considerations. When you're strapped for cash, what else can you do? In this situation, not much unless I move to a place that doesn't have these barriers... It's only a natural evolution to weigh other possibilities. 

In addition to employment and financial problems attached to it, health insurance is a nightmare. Have you seen the documentary Sicko? A woman who had breast cancer was denied treatment with a technicality of a previous health record which was a yeast infection... -____- Hospitals hire people ways to legally reject medical services as a way to save money at the cost of peoples' lives. Elder hospital residents were shuffled into taxi cabs and out of hospital rooms to make space to admit more patients. Cost of health care is outrageous. It's not only greedy, but our health care system invests methods that kill the very people they're meant to protect. Interesting thing about documentaries is that it's sensationalized to a degree, but these aren't exaggerated and common practice. 

It costs me money to request my medical records. There are certain unnecessary but costly surgeries that are procedurally conducted for profit such as appendix removal. I was fortunate that the surgeon on staff refused to put me in surgery when my inflamed appendix would've legally granted him the right to do so. But with antibiotics and close medical supervision, the inflammation went down without the need of surgery. However in most cases there are many procedures, both surgeries and unnecessary testings that are conducted for profit. There are books revealing which tests are unnecessary for specific symptoms but are conducted none the less to exploit uneducated patients. It's horrible. 

I've been in a lot of pain and unable to schedule appointments with physicians and specialists. It's unfortunately common. A while back I read that funding to produce chemotherapy has been cut back, so doctors are instructed to put patients on chemotherapy at a later stage of cancer despite the fact that it'll decrease the chances of survival. Funding in the medical industry is being reduced cuz it's being allocated to other things. I won't pretend to be aware of what it is. All I know is this circumstance is despicable. 

I watch the news and see murderers like Zimmerman commit crime in cold blood and then deny it and avoid legal consequence as a result of the legal system. Even facing jail time, he's looking at far less years than someone who hacked into private video footage of porn. Of course an invasion of privacy is unacceptable. I'm not discounting that at all, but how come viewership results in a lifetime of prison while murder goes for far less? One woman was fired for saving her employer's life by donating an organ. While I'm at it, the good samaritan law says you give implied consent to someone saving your life when you need CPR and are unconscious. Yet doctors who save peoples' lives but leave them with a broken rib end up in jail! It's unimaginable! It's too many horrible things happening all at the same time. My tolerance is growing thin. 

It's difficult for me to build a life here with my financial limitations. My health isn't valued. And I'm ashamed of my legal system. Finding work is such a challenge. My choices have led me to this life. I don't want to sit here and make excuses cuz it changes nothing. But the fact remains that I'm twenty eight with no career. I'm too busy making ends meet to build on an existing foundation. At best all I can do is maintain what I have. My situation is certainly not the worst and I'm impressively resourceful. But I don't want to maintain this current lifestyle indefinitely. 

As more time passes, I'm beginning to realize that if I want a better future for myself, I really should consider moving out of this country. It's scary to just get up and move. Stability has never been a part of my life, and it's finally began to settle down. To get up and move to a foreign country is like traveling towards a path of uncertainty that I'd create. And yet I'm learning that it can be done. 

I've always been interested in France. As an adult, I forget how much it appealed to me as a child but I've been reminded of it a lot lately cuz a really close friend of mine is French. He says my mentality is very European and encourages me to move there at one point cuz he genuinely believes I'll enjoy it there. But I kept thinking where would I stay? I don't have any friends there and have no money. How will I support myself? It's a foreign language I don't really speak, certainly not enough to get a job out of it. But the truth is in France, you don't get kicked out when you have no means to pay to support yourself. That doesn't mean I want to freeload but that already offers me more of an advantage than my own country. So it's not as risky to move as I once believed it to be. 

I'm far from ready to leave despite my protests. But eventually I want to move. Ideally I want to be ready to move, although that doesn't seem realistic. I'm not the type of person who's able to be "ready" to move to a foreign country where uncertainty dominates. Yet I handle unexpectations surprisingly well. If I'm not going to be ready to move, when do I make the move? The only answer I know for sure  is not now. But time has a way of being perceptually deceptive. It passes us by quietly but also quickly. I've been living in LA for ten years and although I've changed so much since I've moved here, evidence that a lot of time has passed, it hasn't felt like ten years. I don't want another ten years to pass me by while I stay fixed at my current location. I don't want to be stagnant and the world is too huge for me to not allow myself more experiences than my current surrounding. 

Friday, April 27, 2012

In Better Spirits

I've been feeling better than I have been for a while. :) It's a nice change of pace. Normality is re-entering my life. I'm able to get groceries, run errands, and generally walk around without being in a lot of pain. Actually pain in general is greatly reduced. I've also been cooking more, too. It's interesting how taking a cooking hiatus has really affected my performance. Anyways I made baked tilapia with lemon pepper seasoning (super simple) with sauteed kale and carrots with fresh lemon juice, curry powder, turmeric, and cumin. Everything I used has anti-inflammatory effects, too, which is good cuz my appendix has been acting up a bit.

I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, then two more throughout the week. I'll probably have to return for an mRI. I consulted a friend who's in nursing school and I've been advised to get an mRI. My medical records have also reflected that, as well. It's so frustrating to think that had I have not requested my record, I would've never known the severity of my situation. But that's an opinion I'd rather refrain from expressing. I've resisted writing cuz as therapeutic as it is for me to express myself on my blog, I want to guard against developing a habit of negative expression.

I'm really enjoying the sunny weather. Right now the sun is shining, and I really want to sunbathe in front of my friend's swimming pool. I'll go to Trader Joe's on the way home and pick up some sunscreen spray. The weather's been seriously bipolar, but when it did become hot, I started carrying my bikini in my bag. I was planning on going to a potluck and free concert, but it's so close to the actual event that I really don't feel like rushing. My friend's place has internet, so I could stay here which is tempting despite the beautiful weather outside.

However if I head home, I can work on my art journal. I borrowed this book at the library called Refuse to Choose which is a book on scanners. Scanners are people who have a variation of interests and find it difficult to specialize in a specific field. Sometimes I feel like a scanner, but I have far more focus than my irrefutable scanner friends. So sometimes I wonder. I'm not lazy or ADD. But as I get older, I'm willing to invest so much time on things that don't have significance for me. As I embrace this, I enjoy learning so much but find that I don't have the traditional evidence of being a productive member in society. It's a fine line between caring about societal expectations and my own insecurity of not having something to show for my twenty eight years. Anyways this book celebrates and encourages scanners to embrace all their interests beginning with creating a Scanner Journal where ideas can be expressed without guilt. I have so many ideas I want to jot down. (Learning French, recipes, first aid, color therapy, plant biology, supernatural characters, etc) Okay so maybe not A LOT of ideas but some ideas...

And oddly enough I'm excited to go home to make sweet potato chips on my friend's dehydrator. I need a good 12 hours to complete this task, and I'm usually everywhere but home that I've been unable to get this done. I saw it on a youtube video and now I'm really looking forward to it. I want to invite my friend over to have sweet potato chips with, but I'm afraid he's going to ask for his dehydrator back. :/ And of course I do plan to return it, but considering how much I've been procrastinating on using it, I'm not ready to return it. Then again if he's reading this, I may have to return it anyways. :)

Monday, April 23, 2012

Dear Universe

I have a passion for holistic nutrition. I believe that the food we eat and where it comes from combined with a fun fitness routine customized to our unique habits and physique is an integral part of obtaining optimal nutrition and health, as well as a positive outlook and empowering ourselves through knowledge. I'd like to explore the nutritional world and what I can offer. I have excellent communication skills, have a passion for sharing my knowledge, and I love to cook and container garden. I believe with a little interest and innovation, there are many opportunities to maximize our health even if we aren't the most motivated or wealthiest. I'd love to educate people at workshops where I can inspire people to make healthy changes by sharing ideas everyday people can incorporate into their lives. I also love to write and would enjoy helping others by blogging, as well. Being a Holistic Nutrition Coach appeals to me. I understand that requires me to market myself a bit, but I'm not particularly interested in aggressively seeking people out to assist like a commission based sales representative because I believe there are plenty of people who are interested in this without unwelcomed persistence. Rather than cold calling people in my life, I'd like to expand my knowledge to an audience who's interested in what I have to offer. I'd love your assistance in an altruistic capacity.

I also have a passion for writing. I believe I have a lot of insightful, entertaining, and captivating ideas and thoughts people would enjoy reading. I'm ready to take my writing to a new level. My projects must come together cohesively, functionally, productively, creatively, uniquely, and aesthetically. My mind has to be alert to new ideas and my motivation has to be sharp. I have to develop and define a writing style and method that works for me, something new and better than what I've been doing to produce the kind of results I know I can deliver. I seek writing opportunities as a blogger, sites that won't require me to change my identity and writing style but rather I shine because of my unique writing and what I offer. I'd love your assistance in obtaining opportunities conducive to my success in my endeavors. 

I'm interested in embracing the openness and absence of conformity and rigidity in my life. 9-5 jobs inevitably fall apart, and I can always feel how misplaced I am there. I'm ready to accept this is the universe's way of trying to make me available for something greater. I want to explore my choices, as well as create opportunities for myself. I want to do what I've always been interested in but have been too busy or distracted to pursue other reasons that no longer matter. This is the time to manifest it. 

I want to do public speaking. I have excellent communication skills, am articulate, and find that the way I talk inspires and captivates the attention of others. It'll be an enjoyable and altruistic experience. To be compensated for a skill and talent I have will bring me joy and pleasure. I deserve to get paid for what I love to do, something I deserve to earn. 

I also want to do commercial modeling and some acting. I've always been interested in being an extra but commercial modeling has more appeal for me. I'm finally confident enough in my attraction and look that I want to celebrate it. Once I find a company that likes my features, Asian, sharp cheekbones, and very petite figure, I can start my journey. It's all about finding the right representative. I'm 5'2 but it's not uncommon for Asian models to be short. Life isn't about limitations but pushing the boundaries, finding ways to celebrate and embrace who we are. I want to shine because of who I am, not hide in the shadows over it. 

I'm tired of hesitating and letting time pass me by because I don't feel adequate enough. I have friends in the entertainment and music industry, talented, hardworking, and exposed to a world I want to be a part of, but I'm always hiding. Why? I'm sick of it. I'm never going to achieve my goals if I hesitate vocalizing that I'd love to model or even be in a music video. I want to be a hand model. I have to vocalize and energize my desires cuz it's a competitive world and I want to represent myself and my goals. Please bring people into my life that can assist me in my success. And give me the strength, intuition, and awareness to recognize the fakes and distractions that life comes with, so I can stay focused in my path to success and my desires. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

Being Thrown off the Path

The retention problem I have with employment is actually really ridiculous. It's rivaling my attendance in school. Getting my ass kicked so badly that I can't move in foster care and group homes, then life threatening allergies. It's always one thing or another. It's so frustrating. I'm frustrated even expressing this, and that's why I hide these circumstances from everyone.

It's not that these things aren't a big deal. But when it keeps happening after a while, regardless of the reasons, however legitimate they may be, at the end it's still me who's failing to deliver or follow through. On an intuitive level, it's easy to assess that it's because I'm not meant to be where I am. But it's ridiculous how such barriers keep building up around me. What the Hell else am I supposed to do? I resented the fact that school wasn't for me. Not because I particularly enjoyed sitting inside a boxed classroom where everything's structured and institutionalized, but it's the normal thing to do. I know, I know I'm not normal. And do I really honestly want to be? No, but I hate getting bitch slapped cuz I'd like to participate in the society I'm a part of. However I must admit that my life became much better when I embraced what works for me and not the standardized perception. Dropping out of school is one of the best things I've done for myself, but I have nothing to show for it.

I could care less about not showing it to others who would disapprove. I'm unhappy with this result. If I'm not in school, I feel like my time should be spent elsewhere and there should be some form of evidence, some progress. I see none. As for work, I can't just stop working!

I hate this feeling where I'm adamant about something but surrounded by signs that question my position. Am I really not intelligent? Someone tells me go make 2 copies. When I walk away, I immediately forget how many copies I'm supposed to print. This happens with so many different things! I can't even hold down a job that I could've and have done during my pre-teen years!

It's no wonder with that kind of performance that I can't hold down a job. There are so many jobs where I've sensed the demise and not in a self-fulfilling prophecy sort of way but in a the universe was trying to prevent it from even occurring sort of way. I interview at a place where the freeway is shut down and I have to be picked up to attend the interview!!!! W...T...F...!!!!! Obviously barriers existed. So many stories like that permeate me. This is the first job where I actually sensed I'll last, although it wasn't a very secure and strong feeling. I don't know how I could've gotten this one wrong.

Why am I constantly thrown off the path like this? It seems like every time I do the wrong thing, the universe fights fire with fire and I get knocked on my ass. Yes, maybe it's coincidental that I just got sick but my life is a series of coincidental unfortunate circumstances. I'm so tired of whining about it. But if I'm to report about my life, that's what it is.

I hate people who sit there and play the victim. That's why I keep on going. But it's as if because I keep on trucking, more bullshit tries to weigh me down, each time heavier than before. I'm becoming weaker, less stubborn, and less determined. But I have no idea what else I'm supposed to do. I don't want to just breakdown and cry. I need a fucking job. I have my health to be concerned about with finances I don't have. What am I going to do? Life's a bitch! And all I want is a fucking break!

I don't want short-lived breaks that offer temporary financial solutions that leave me feeling devastated and inferior. I'd like some divine intervention and guidance towards exactly what it is I should be fucking doing! I'm not even sure I believe in all of that, but I believe everything has energy. I'd like that energy to expose and really direct to the best path where I won't falter every few fucking months! I'd like a God damn change! And a good one!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

A Weekend Turned Week Hellish Nightmare

***For anyone I referred to this entry cuz I want a quick and effective way to explain why I was hospitalized can choose to skip certain parts of this entry and begin reading when the asterisks ******* begin.

All of my weekend plans consistently fell apart. It's as though this tragic event was inevitable and the universe was trying to keep me unoccupied for when it occurs. Initially I believed a Vegas trip was going to happen this weekend. But my friend didn't see my response until Friday evening or technically midnight of Saturday when he complained I can't believe I'm waiting for you to be let into someone's place when I should be in Vegas but everyone cancelled at the last minute. He proceeds to share that he tried to recruit others, but it was too last minute. When I reveal to him that I said I wanted to go, he frantically checks his text messages. Ironically the two of us were available to hang out cuz we didn't go to Vegas when we wanted to go all along.... =_____= Although it was certainly a good thing I wasn't there this weekend, I must admit considering the turn of events.

I was also invited to a huge party quite a ways away from the city, accessible enough but provides an adequate amount of distance from modern society to escape into nature, a community that lives as closely to a conventionally society free organization. They were having a huge gathering with food (mostly vegetarians and vegan menus as many of them abhor animal protein), music (since that area seems to draw some of the most musically talented souls), artists, travelers, gardeners, and so many other types of interesting people as well as other indulgences such as hot tubs, nearby hiking trails, and even hot springs!!! How I would've loved to have gone, but again it was best considering the circumstance it didn't happen.... Sigh.

Then I was invited to another gathering, which frankly carried less appeal but it would've been easiest to get to and I hadn't seen a few of them in quite some time. If it were any other day, I would've been more open to going. I'm just not sure if I was up to the task when I knew I'd rather be somewhere else, not that I wouldn't have enjoyed myself. As if it matters now... They're great people, but they're more friends of friends I get along well with. The reason they wanted me there was cuz it was going to be a huge celebration. One of the guy's girlfriend got pregnant and they'll be moving out of the country at the end of the month. That's quite newsworthy. It's unfortunate I wasn't there to share in the joy. But I had my own life changing experience set in motion for me that I had to answer to...

I contemplated whether I wanted to indulge my entire medical diagnosis on a public forum and decided to because I plan on writing detailed reviews identifying negligent practitioners who played a role in such a preventable outcome on my other blogs linked to this one, so full disclosure would be required.


I was with a guy I had an allergic reaction to, an experience I never had before i.e., vaginal discharge. I went to see the gynecologist, Dr. Frances Teng, MD who practices in Pasadena, CA. As many doctors do, I was given a series of antibiotics that never seemed to work. It also took quite some time to notice the correlation of the cause - sexual interaction. Note, I've always been diligent about getting tested for AIDS/HIV, syphillis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and other common STDs. And again since the reaction took some time to form and because I was experiencing other stress in my life such as getting illegally but intrusively evicted from my apartment complex by my landlord while her husband was stalking me, my job being in jeopardy, and being a victim in a car accident only for the asshole to flee and continually harass me even after the incident, it was plausible to believe my gynecologist's assessment that it was a reaction to stress. But the symptoms never seemed to subside and persisted despite my diligent use of the antibiotics.

Eventually I stopped wasting my time and money on a treatment that was clearly not working since I'm not trying to develop antibiotic resistant cells which I'm sure by now I have already developed. What's worse is the doctor had the audacity to tell me that the discharge must be excess and no longer be a sign of an existing infection or perhaps when I wash myself, I'm flushing water in there and it's causing an irritation. =______= I've always been hygienic especially down there, and no I don't douche because I'm educated enough to know that contrary to popular belief, it can do more harm than good by killing off good bacteria. If you do an adequate job cleaning yourself, you don't have to flush your system of beneficial bacteria to be odor free.

Also I've been having fevers when I menstruate which is a classic symptom of an infection. However, I was told repeatedly that no infection has been detected and I was perceived as being agoraphobic. What's the point of being alarming when everyone thinks I'm crying wolf and nothing is treated? So I proceeded with my life and somehow a year has passed by me. Time is so elusive and has a way of passing us by incredibly quickly!

I wouldn't be surprised and expect anyone reading this to wonder why in the Hell I would let a year go by. But honestly what else am I supposed to do? I've been to several clinics and three different gynecologists. It's not like I didn't put in the effort. I was just running out of resources. I was also sharing this very private matter with a few trusted friends, too. Unfortunately my incident is far too common, but it's not information people understandably publicize. It's this unawareness that leads to hospitalization of something that should be preventable!

I'm no longer involved with the guy I had a reaction to and there's still even some question about whether it was him I was allergic to because of my symptoms. He has no STD's and has been involved with other women since me, and no one else seems to have this reaction. I feel so special... =_____= My symptoms have subsided temporarily and then resurfaced.

In fact, the two days before I became hospitalized which was on Sunday, I did have some heavy discharge I've never experienced before. But long before that, I developed a sharp and persistent pain on my left lower pelvic/abdomen area and my back left area which eventually spread to my right side, but the pain wasn't as intense, although sometimes it would be. Overall, my left side was far more excruciating in pain. It's amazing what the body adapts to. Since I have such a low tolerance for pain, I can't just whine about every sensation. It distorts my perception. I assumed I was being overly dramatic and ignored it until I eventually adapted to it. It certainly wasn't my preferred choice, but what else was I supposed to do? I took all the measures I possibly could by consulting medical practitioners that specialize in this field only to be assured nothing is wrong. I refused to breakdown about it as life passed me by.

How frightening is it that my body was trying to communicate with me that something is wrong only to go ignored by experts trained in this field? The pain was so paralyzing and debilitating that it woke me up from my sleep and I fell off the bed, unable to move. My entire lower stomach area was completely clenched, and I could do or feel nothing but be delirious from the torment. I knew action had to be taken, but I also intuitively and adamantly knew the answer wasn't to go to the Emergency Room because they wouldn't be equipped to handle this situation. They'd go based on statistics and waste their time testing me for food and other stomach related ailments, but I knew, I just knew it had something to do with the vaginal discharge I've been having.

This is an unpleasant thing to read, I know, but it's nothing compared to going through it. And I strongly urge anyone who's still reading this to continue since you've read so much already, and you my experience is unfortunately a common outcome for many sufferers. You might as well armor yourself with this knowledge, so if you ever come across anyone who goes through what I went through, you'll be able to offer some sort of insight. My friend advised me to not go to the ER as I had suspected but to go to an urgent care clinic which another friend had recommended me to. I went to Pacific Alliance Medical Center in Chinatown Los Angeles, CA.

I promise you it's one of the best kept secrets. Because it's a smaller institution, the staff isn't overwhelmed and are able to assist the patients being admitted. They're also caring and demonstrate human compassion, qualities I believed no longer existed in emergency situations and had accepted long ago. I arrived in noticeable pain, hunched over and unable to stand straight, so they rushed someone to get a wheelchair for me which made a world of difference.

I was given a cat scan rather quickly and they noticed a lot of cloudiness around my appendix, so the physician on site deduced it was either a ruptured appendix or an appendicitis. As with many physicians who go purely based on statistics, he was in all honestly rather narrow-minded. He was polite but ignored a huge chunk of valuable information I provided. I said I had pelvic pain and he pressed into the left pelvic area and listened to me as I described my vaginal discharge and said but that's completely unrelated. (You'll read how that's untrue before the end of this piece). I emphasized pain on my left side, and he kept bringing the attention back to my right side! He persisted if I had pain on my right side, and I agreed. But I said I also have pain on my left side. Then he asks if I have more pain on the right side, as though he's trying to fit my symptoms to match his diagnosis. It doesn't work that way!

Okay, so this hidden gem has flaws, but give me one medical facility in the United States that isn't laced with faults. He insisted I go into surgery, even though we had no idea which of the two it could be - a ruptured appendix or an appendicitis. Appendix related pain begins from the upper body and travels lower. I was exhibiting the exact opposite pain direction. So after some insistence, I was told I can have an enema which is when fluid is inserted into the rectum to get a clearer idea of what's going on around the appendix. The liquid would offer a color contrast, and it was through this painful, MISERABLE but valuable experiment that a ruptured appendix was ruled out. Then I was given a consultation with the surgeon who I immensely respect. I believe his name is Dr. Alfredo Jose.

Dr. Jose was immediately doubtful that I required surgery for appendix, which was such a relief for me cuz it's frightening how common it is for the appendix is removed even when there's no justification for one. And by that I mean they can't prove there's anything wrong with the appendix. I understand time is of the essence, but perhaps if less time and priority was spent on action i.e., surgery and more time developed the analytical and intuitive mind, unnecessary and uncostly procedures would be greatly eliminated and everyone's focus will go into treating what's actually going on with patients, rather than distracting tasks! Dr. Jose requested a pelvic sonogram, and it was discovered that I have an inflamed left ovary caused by either a ruptured cyst or an absess. The cause is still unknown. I also had an inflamed appendix. This led to a diagnosis of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.

Pelvic Inflammatory Disease is a curable disease where inflammation occurs on the pelvic and spread to other organs. And this is why it was such a bitch to diagnose me! It's primary causes are an ectopic pregnancy or two common STDs, gonorrhea or chlamydia of which I have none. Although I did have an ectopic pregnancy scare. An ectopic pregnancy is when a pregnancy occurs outside of the uterus and inside of the fallopian tube. Because of its location, you can be tested negative for pregnancy when you are in fact pregnant, and a fetus can't survive in the fallopian tube. So it dies and ruptures inside of a woman causing unbearable pain. Now moving on to the STD.

You'll have to forgive me while I go on a rant but a valuable one, I promise! Did you know in 10% of STD positive cases, it'll show up negative if you're on antibiotics??? WTF!!!! You know how many people are on antibiotics? And exactly how much antibiotics in the system masks the STD? What about residual antibiotics? Cuz it does stay in the system for a while. Not to mention chicken uses antibiotics. And what about accutane and other acne treating medications? It's startling to think of how many people could be walking around with STD's and have no idea cuz this fact isn't being shared! Too many people are negligent about being tested as it is and rely on condoms as a safe source of protection. Now I find out that even tests aren't reliable, and this information is kept secret! How outraged I feel! In my personal case, I'm diligent about being tested, so I know I wasn't on antibiotics but still! Either way you look at it, it's a lose lose situation. I don't have STD's or an ectopic pregnancy, and my symptoms go ignored. Had I have had an STD, it could have been masked by my diet? Am I over exaggerating? Who knows! Since there's so much discretion about antibiotics masking STD's! It's just 10%, but what alarms me is the fact that this detail goes unexpressed!

The only thing they really knew for sure was that issues on my left ovary and appendix. I was given a culture test to see if it could be any other type of bacteria, but the tests came back negative. The doctor basically said we have no idea what she has, so treat her for everything under the sun including bacteria infections that won't show up on test results. ***Oh and I'm sorry I failed to mention that the first thing that was checked was my white blood cell count which was highly elevated at 18%. A normal person's white blood cell count is 5-10%. So there was undeniably an infection going on. But what that infection was went unidentified.

All this time I've been going to the doctor, and they never checked my white blood cell count. Had they have done that, they would've known something was the matter, that it wasn't merely excess water. Last time I checked, water was clear... -_____- At least now I know what should be examined, although I'm hoping future incidences such as these don't occur again. I'm not sure if gynecologists are even equipped to examine white blood cell counts. So if you know anyone who's suffering unidentifiable excruciating pain that's sharp, persistent, and long-term, please go to the closest Urgent Care and request your white blood cell count to be inspected.

I was put on seven different heavy antibiotics, demerol, a pain reducing medication, and an anti-nausea medicine, zofrane. All of these were through an IV. I could still feel everything with demerol, so then they switched me to morphine. If any of you know me, you know I'm tiny. But guess what? They gave it to me one evening and I was up on the phone with a friend until 6 am. He said we could talk for as long as I wanted until I fell asleep. We actually got off the phone cuz he had to go to work. My mom was surprised by how lucid I was. If I didn't move, I didn't feel much pain. But if I readjusted myself even slightly on the bed, all that pain came rushing back to me and was such a shock to my system.

To make matters worse, I began developing an allergic reaction to one of the medications, but we still aren't sure which one. My right hand developed bug bite looking things, but I kept my mouth shut cuz it could've been actual bug bites. However over time, my right hand began to swell. So they switched my anti-nausea medication to reglin. (Not sure if I have the correct spelling there). It could've been demerol, but I was already off of it. I went longer than I would've liked without anti-nausea medication cuz they were waiting for the pharmacy to supply it only to discover that the manufacturer hasn't made the IV version yet. During this time, I also had a really low blood pressure of 70/40. A normal person's blood pressure is 120/80, so they took me off of the morphine. Therefore I could feel all the pain and the nausea. In fact, I threw up which also became problematic because they decided to give me my anti-nausea medication in large tablet form except I was throwing everything up. Oh and the IV on top of my left hand was incredibly sore and the fluid wasn't pushing through the way it should've. So then they swapped it to my right side and the same thing happened.

It forced me to eat food, rather than receive it intravenously. Also when my blood pressure dropped, they replaced my saline solution with supplements that would increase my blood pressure. It was accelerated into my body, two bags quickly which really hurt and was very cold. I was already feeling chilly cuz I had a fever. I had one, it broke, had one again, this occurred three times during my four day stay. My white blood cell dropped to 13% which was a good sign that the infection was reducing and then my fever spikes, reflecting that my body is fighting an infection.... Great, just effing great.

Anyways I was told I could leave if I can keep my food down which was necessary since IV's were no longer working, and they weren't letting me leave without elevated potassium levels. Pfft! I felt horrible but finally I've been released, so I can share my story! :) But my life is never that simple, is it?

My job was a temp assignment, so they ended my assignment early since I was hospitalized... So I've been hospitalized and therefore terminated for it. Now I'm left with a HUGE bill to pay and no income. Great, just great.