Sunday, April 29, 2012

There's Happiness and Then There's Happiness

This is something my mind has been circling around a lot lately. But I've resisted from blogging about it cuz it's still such an obscure concept. I guess I've been thinking that there are two kinds of happiness. (Okay, I don't really believe that but these are the two that my mind keeps returning to).

When I think of one of the type, a specific group of friends come to mind. They're in their thirties and are content with their lives. They enjoy waking up, spending time with friends, and they're financially secure. They don't have particularly satisfying jobs. It's not mentally challenging. Retail, customer service, or call center jobs tests our patience, but it's a skill you develop over time. Even maid work. These are jobs that high school students can be trained to do.

So their source of happiness certainly doesn't come from their employment. Maybe their standards are lower. Maybe they just have a healthy perspective on the matter that I lack. I'm not sure what it is. All I know is I haven't been able to be happy with those types of jobs. I don't think less of them for not aspiring for a different career. I just wonder how they do it. Although it doesn't really matter cuz I'm not like them, and I'm not even sure I want to be. But that doesn't mean I don't envy their ability to be happy.

I feel like my feelings exist in a paralleled or suspended state between a mild sense of unhappiness as a result of no career and a feeling of indifference over it all cuz I haven't found anything to be passionate over. I seem to develop ambitions and aspirations, but I have no motivation to pursue them. I sound lazy and I can't confidently say I'm not. But I bust my ass making ends meet. It's not the habit of a lazy person. It'd be less strenuous to work towards a career. I can't help but feel like I'm not driven cuz I haven't found something worth my time and attention. That excuse gets old and frustrating, though, cuz if I can't find something that really captivates me, then do I continue down this path of uncertainty? How annoying do I sound? The other happiness is probably more accurately described as self-fulfillment or at least that's the source of happiness obtained through a successful career. I don't define successful as lucrative but emotionally gratifying.

I guess I'm searching for both forms of happiness since I don't feel connected to either of them. I'm not unhappy or depressed, but I want to feel more than I already do. This isn't meant to be a downer entry. It's just a thought that's been dominating my mind and I wanted to release it, so I can focus my thoughts on other matters.

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