Friday, April 6, 2012

Being Thrown off the Path

The retention problem I have with employment is actually really ridiculous. It's rivaling my attendance in school. Getting my ass kicked so badly that I can't move in foster care and group homes, then life threatening allergies. It's always one thing or another. It's so frustrating. I'm frustrated even expressing this, and that's why I hide these circumstances from everyone.

It's not that these things aren't a big deal. But when it keeps happening after a while, regardless of the reasons, however legitimate they may be, at the end it's still me who's failing to deliver or follow through. On an intuitive level, it's easy to assess that it's because I'm not meant to be where I am. But it's ridiculous how such barriers keep building up around me. What the Hell else am I supposed to do? I resented the fact that school wasn't for me. Not because I particularly enjoyed sitting inside a boxed classroom where everything's structured and institutionalized, but it's the normal thing to do. I know, I know I'm not normal. And do I really honestly want to be? No, but I hate getting bitch slapped cuz I'd like to participate in the society I'm a part of. However I must admit that my life became much better when I embraced what works for me and not the standardized perception. Dropping out of school is one of the best things I've done for myself, but I have nothing to show for it.

I could care less about not showing it to others who would disapprove. I'm unhappy with this result. If I'm not in school, I feel like my time should be spent elsewhere and there should be some form of evidence, some progress. I see none. As for work, I can't just stop working!

I hate this feeling where I'm adamant about something but surrounded by signs that question my position. Am I really not intelligent? Someone tells me go make 2 copies. When I walk away, I immediately forget how many copies I'm supposed to print. This happens with so many different things! I can't even hold down a job that I could've and have done during my pre-teen years!

It's no wonder with that kind of performance that I can't hold down a job. There are so many jobs where I've sensed the demise and not in a self-fulfilling prophecy sort of way but in a the universe was trying to prevent it from even occurring sort of way. I interview at a place where the freeway is shut down and I have to be picked up to attend the interview!!!! W...T...F...!!!!! Obviously barriers existed. So many stories like that permeate me. This is the first job where I actually sensed I'll last, although it wasn't a very secure and strong feeling. I don't know how I could've gotten this one wrong.

Why am I constantly thrown off the path like this? It seems like every time I do the wrong thing, the universe fights fire with fire and I get knocked on my ass. Yes, maybe it's coincidental that I just got sick but my life is a series of coincidental unfortunate circumstances. I'm so tired of whining about it. But if I'm to report about my life, that's what it is.

I hate people who sit there and play the victim. That's why I keep on going. But it's as if because I keep on trucking, more bullshit tries to weigh me down, each time heavier than before. I'm becoming weaker, less stubborn, and less determined. But I have no idea what else I'm supposed to do. I don't want to just breakdown and cry. I need a fucking job. I have my health to be concerned about with finances I don't have. What am I going to do? Life's a bitch! And all I want is a fucking break!

I don't want short-lived breaks that offer temporary financial solutions that leave me feeling devastated and inferior. I'd like some divine intervention and guidance towards exactly what it is I should be fucking doing! I'm not even sure I believe in all of that, but I believe everything has energy. I'd like that energy to expose and really direct to the best path where I won't falter every few fucking months! I'd like a God damn change! And a good one!

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