Monday, October 31, 2011

In the Spirit of New Energy! :)

I'm filled with variations of positive, good feelings! They're a little ambiguous in some areas more than others. All I know is that I'm in a happy mood and each time I get like this, I refrain from expressing it followed by a vow that I will, but this is the first time I'm fulfilling that promise. Hey, first time for everything right? I realize that it's silly to conceal, suppress, or deny these feelings out of fear cuz they're here one way or another and I might as well embrace it. But I want to refrain from over emphasis on one area and seek to bring balance into it, so please forgive me while I digress. I have every intent on keeping my word, and this isn't an attempt to avoid the subject. I simply find it valuable and conducive to channel my energy in a balanced manner.

I've been living in my first real own apartment for a year now, and I still haven't really made it my own. I guess old habits are hard to break. I've been procrastinating on decorating and taking baby steps probably the way I do with a lot of things. I'm afraid to get too comfortable only for it to be taken away from me. I have to ease myself into it, and I'm finally beginning to get a handle on it and find it be a delightful experience! :)

I have a mattress for a bed platform I got when I first moved in. I found two matching small IKEA tables when combined can turn into a coffee table in white. I painted them the same purple shade as the trim in my apartment and bought two more to match, repainted it and everything! :) I now have a better idea of how I want the skeletal decorating structure to be. On one corner I plan to have a couch and I already know which one to get. I just have to actually get it. LOL A neighbor who moved out gave me a painting canvas of purple tulips that I display sideways to be unique, and it's cool because the flowers were already tilted at an angle so it works.

In fact, it's starting to have a lot of significance for me. (So much so that I'm going to give this topic its own paragraph). Tulips naturally tilt towards the direction of the sun. The sun is positive; it's where things radiate. When the artwork is positioned correctly, it tilts to the side like it's bowing or going towards the direction of the ground. I want to reach the sky because that's where my dreams live. I want to capture them and hold them in my hands. There's more than one way to succeed and achieve your goals. There's no generalized instructional guide, and I seem to be someone who hardly fits into any standard category anyways. It's both a blessing and a curse. I love being differently, but it takes time finding the unknown, undetermined road that often has to be created from exactly where I stand and I have no idea where I'm going. It's frustrating as I see others succeed in their clear cut paths, and I don't even know where I'm going. But that's the beauty of this photo. It reaches up to the sky the way I want to but in a different and unconventional way. Sideways. You have to look at things differently to achieve results. There are a few alphabets that make it obviously that it's been repositioned from its original intent, but I'm thinking of re-stamping over it and making it my own. I'm not sure what letters to give it. I have a couple in mind, but I don't know if I want to give it that kind of attention or make it more internal. I'll have to think about that, but I love the idea that my mind is thinking of these things. For more creative entrepreneurs, this may not be too impressive, but I'm totally stoked!

I also have a mural I want painted on the first wall you see when you walk in. There's a box shelf I'm in the process of building that I need resized before I can complete the project. It's not going to be like a shadow box. There's going to be sliding or closing doors, so what's inside is concealed. Then I can place my crystals in there. I'll pull out whichever crystals speak to me at that moment because different crystals have different properties. It's also a great way to alternate my decorations according to my mood.

I discovered a wonderful site that I think everyone should explore before resorting to craigslist called People advertise either what they want or what they want to get rid of for free. It's all free, using the site, posting, and the actual products! Isn't that great? Maybe I'm late to the game, but I'm in love with it. Today a very good friend of mine helped me pick up a six drawer dresser. I'm going to repaint it to the color I desire and stamp, decoupage, paint, stencil, sticker, whatever method I choose of select images I have in mind.

1. SEASHELL (because I'm a water sign, I'm very at home at the beach, and seashells remind me of them. :) The beach is so versatile. It can be a place to socialize, or be alone, it's family friendly, there's land and water. It's great! Seashells are fun and remind me of peace and calmness).

2. BUTTERFLY (symbolizes transformation - I fear the unknown, although I've become more open to it and am beginning to see its beauty. Even in what's lost, sometimes things must die to let new things flourish).

3. FLOWER (femininity, beauty, more than what the eye can see, duality, strength, endurance, fragility, softness, aesthetics, history).

4. HEART (for self-love, love of life, love of passion in whatever you do or the thing(s) that cause a spark in you, love for family and friends, love for humanity, love in romance, just love)

5. KEY/LOCK (This has double meaning. It's a key which means it's hidden and locked away which can be sad because when you want to get inside somewhere, you can't if you don't know where it is or where the key is. But not having the key at this present moment doesn't mean you can't obtain it. The fact that a key exists means there's a way to get in. Life is about exploring, discovering, and unlocking the mysteries of life, love, romance, and everything in between. This represents the key/lock to my heart, to life's passion, to my life's purpose, my career).

6. UNICORN (It's a magical creature. It's beautiful. It reminds me of hope and mysticism).

7. PISCES (I've spent most of my life being someone I'm not, even though I've prided myself on being an authentic person. I was emotionally detached which was true to who I was but that's because I distorted myself into someone I wasn't. In that distorted state, I was being genuine. But when I returned to my natural form, I discovered that I'm an emotional creature. That's okay. I'm resilient like water. I get premonitions. I feel the pain of others from time to time, and it allows me to help them. It's incredible. I don't want to hide away from it. I want to embrace it).

8. THIRD EYE (Part of being a Pisces is having a third eye, being intuitive, having premonitions. It's painful and frustrating at times, very bittersweet, but it's a part of me and I can't deny it).

9. WRITING UTENSIL (Writing has always been my outlet and for most of my life the only link to creativity. I'd be lost without it).




I want these images on the dresser. 2 on each drawer. But the top drawers have this weird wave to them. In the past, I would've gotten frustrated by it. Now I'm intrigued and excited by this unpredictability that's going to force even more creativity and innovation. For now I'm going to place the tulip painting on top of the dresser and maybe I'll use an old picture frame, repainted, and decorated as a tray. It'd be different and pretty.

I've been so narrow minded with the idea that above the couch there should be specific artwork, but after realizing how many things I want done to such a small space, I'm realizing that I should place behind the couch wall a wall decal that says in cursive "Dare to Take a Chance and Dream". It's also a great place for me because I'll see it everyday. My home is no longer a social network but a sanctuary and a canvas I want filled with my dreams, desires, and positive energy to help me manifest my goals. So I want to display it where I have the most visual advantage. There's another spot that would also be of visual benefit but part of decorating in a small space is a requirement and expansion of creativity, as well as compromise and priority. An area closest to my bed I want to reserve for my TV. I plan to get a wall shelf and place my TV there. Voila!

And my last part is behind my bed. I have a bed platform but no headboard, so I want a mural of an Arabian door above my bed! <3 <3 <3 I want it to be a magical, almost Aladdin like feel. The images I've seen so far are too dull, boring, or tacky. I realized that I want expressions of my desires to be written in Braille! Yea yea! I love how different that is! And yet who knows, maybe readers of this blog will try it, too! :D That'd be awesome! I'd be totally flattered but so not the point!

I'm starting to embrace the fact that I have to take my time developing my career vision and goal, in order to attract and land a job that's right for me! Because like it or not, incompatible jobs just don't work out! I've attracted people in the nonprofit industry who I believe can bring me closer to my goal.

The guy I'm interested in doesn't feel the same way I do about him, although my feelings have steadily been "changing" too as a defense mechanism. I don't want to like someone who isn't interested in me, but I can see him becoming more and more interested and involved in me. That doesn't mean something will happen. I'm not blind to that. But for now I want to enjoy this feeling. I'm tired of giving up because I feel inadequate or out of fear that I'll get hurt. When I feel good and I feel a presence of something, I should give it the same amount of attention as I do negativity. That's all I'm saying! That's all for now folks!

I'm being kicked outta the library, so I had no time to proof read any of this. Hope it makes sense. Happy Halloween! Be safe! And by safe I worry less about poisoned candy and more about drunk driving, over partying, etc etc. Sigh maybe that's why I'm staying in tonight. I'm recovering from being sick and not eating for the past few days, so I welcome organizing my space with a new drawer! Yayayayayay!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Help Me to Find My Career, Universe

I've invested more than enough energy expressing my dissatisfaction with my recent employment status/record. I can't seem to retain a position but for only a brief amount of time. I'm beginning to appear like I have a retention problem. It makes me look bad and when a pattern develops, I can't deny the fact that I'm a factor in all of this. What am I doing to cause this?

Well there are a number of reasons I've observed - incompatability. Sometimes it's a result of inadequacy on my part for fulfilling the position, sometimes it's an unavoidable set of circumstances that led to employment termination on either party. Or maybe it was initially a short term arrangement. The interesting thing is I find myself more unmotivated and transparent, so when a job doesn't fit me well or isn't conducive to my self-growth, things occur to expedite what almost feels like an inevitable end to that job for me. I'll even become paralyzed with exhaustion. It's more than procrastination, but I'll find myself unable to move or sleeping through an alarm clock that goes off for an hour when I naturally wake up much earlier than that. Weird barriers begin to form.

I'm beginning to wonder if I made a vow in my past life or if my subconscious made a promise to the universe that's causing this, but I'm starting to feel like until I find a job that's conducive to my self-growth that

Friday, October 14, 2011

At 27, I Found Him

At the delayed age of 27, I found the guy I want to be my boyfriend. Took me long enough, right? ! I’ve had a series of “boyfriends” so to speak but none that were really genuine. Actually the word “series” is misleadingly generous.

My eighth grade boyfriend doesn’t really count. He was an external source of confidence, followed me around and said I was always right and pretty. Then I had exactly two boyfriends that lasted less than a month my freshman year of high school. The logic was “we’re friends, maybe something more can happen…” Nope, not really. I didn’t realize then that the chemistry should’ve already been there.

Then I had my first real relationship at the age of 18 and it lasted quite some time, but it never really felt right. It took me a long time to come to grips with that. I didn’t know the difference between close friendship and something more intimate. Moreover, I didn’t want to because then the world as I knew it would’ve fallen apart, but it wasn’t long until reality made me realize that it was all an illusion anyways.

Then I met the first guy who stole my heart. It was the intense kind. As much as I wanted then for him to be my boyfriend (kinda sorta), he never was and even when I did want him, there was a part of me that always resisted. There’s one quote that always reminds me of what we had. “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together.” When we were together, I was willing to hurt myself putting the pieces back. But that didn’t sit well with me. So that internal conflict always made the idea of him being my boyfriend always a little bit sketchy.

The next guy belongs to a category all his own. After all how do you categorize the guy you’ve had premonitions of? I’ve seen our unborn daughter and sensed our son. He’s had his own spiritual encounter with our children, too. It’s hard not to develop feelings for a guy like that. We’ve spent countless hours just talking in his car once a week when we worked together and the only time we saw each other. We also consumed each other’s time via email. I never thought I could fall so deeply for a guy I barely saw, but we had (no have) an undeniable connection.

Still, he’s reserved and doesn’t make much effort to see me. I know he’s busy, but you can’t even respond with a five word text? I want that future with him, but that future isn’t now. And I’m beginning to realize that I want more out of a guy than he’s willing to offer and with every energy that feeds into that, he becomes less and less appealing to me because of who he is or who he isn’t. He’s not the guy I can take out with my friends for a night out because he’s an introvert and a homebody. While there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m not sure that’s what I want anymore. He’d make a wonderful husband, but as a boyfriend? That’s a different story.

Then there’s him. I just spent paragraphs procrastinating to open up my heart about him, and it turned out to be effective because I’m at a loss for words. When I’m unable to express myself, I find inspiration through the words of others. These are our words. “When you fight like a married couple, talk like best friends, flirt like first loves and protect each other like brother and sister, obviously it’s meant to be.”

It breaks my heart to think I went from someone he wanted to take home to France and start a family with to a friend. He still has Freudian slips, making us sound like an old couple and he even admitted that he wouldn’t mind having a child with me. But I can feel the distance grow between us as he drifts further away from me. His affection is diminishing and his efforts seem so apparent, no longer natural or desirable.

He’s someone I enjoy spending my time with no matter what we do. Sitting in the car. Watching a movie. We have great conversations. We both have a passion for food and the outdoors. Hiking trails, swimming, going to parks, and playing chess. And even when we argue, we listen to each other and we’re comfortable enough to be open. We realize our mistakes and are open about that, too. He’s someone I want to build a future with and someone who puts effort into me. I’m more than a desire to be knocked off his to-do list like work on a scrapbook but someone he actually makes a priority. But somewhere along the line I lost him…the first guy I ever wanted as my boyfriend.