Friday, October 14, 2011

At 27, I Found Him

At the delayed age of 27, I found the guy I want to be my boyfriend. Took me long enough, right? ! I’ve had a series of “boyfriends” so to speak but none that were really genuine. Actually the word “series” is misleadingly generous.

My eighth grade boyfriend doesn’t really count. He was an external source of confidence, followed me around and said I was always right and pretty. Then I had exactly two boyfriends that lasted less than a month my freshman year of high school. The logic was “we’re friends, maybe something more can happen…” Nope, not really. I didn’t realize then that the chemistry should’ve already been there.

Then I had my first real relationship at the age of 18 and it lasted quite some time, but it never really felt right. It took me a long time to come to grips with that. I didn’t know the difference between close friendship and something more intimate. Moreover, I didn’t want to because then the world as I knew it would’ve fallen apart, but it wasn’t long until reality made me realize that it was all an illusion anyways.

Then I met the first guy who stole my heart. It was the intense kind. As much as I wanted then for him to be my boyfriend (kinda sorta), he never was and even when I did want him, there was a part of me that always resisted. There’s one quote that always reminds me of what we had. “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together.” When we were together, I was willing to hurt myself putting the pieces back. But that didn’t sit well with me. So that internal conflict always made the idea of him being my boyfriend always a little bit sketchy.

The next guy belongs to a category all his own. After all how do you categorize the guy you’ve had premonitions of? I’ve seen our unborn daughter and sensed our son. He’s had his own spiritual encounter with our children, too. It’s hard not to develop feelings for a guy like that. We’ve spent countless hours just talking in his car once a week when we worked together and the only time we saw each other. We also consumed each other’s time via email. I never thought I could fall so deeply for a guy I barely saw, but we had (no have) an undeniable connection.

Still, he’s reserved and doesn’t make much effort to see me. I know he’s busy, but you can’t even respond with a five word text? I want that future with him, but that future isn’t now. And I’m beginning to realize that I want more out of a guy than he’s willing to offer and with every energy that feeds into that, he becomes less and less appealing to me because of who he is or who he isn’t. He’s not the guy I can take out with my friends for a night out because he’s an introvert and a homebody. While there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m not sure that’s what I want anymore. He’d make a wonderful husband, but as a boyfriend? That’s a different story.

Then there’s him. I just spent paragraphs procrastinating to open up my heart about him, and it turned out to be effective because I’m at a loss for words. When I’m unable to express myself, I find inspiration through the words of others. These are our words. “When you fight like a married couple, talk like best friends, flirt like first loves and protect each other like brother and sister, obviously it’s meant to be.”

It breaks my heart to think I went from someone he wanted to take home to France and start a family with to a friend. He still has Freudian slips, making us sound like an old couple and he even admitted that he wouldn’t mind having a child with me. But I can feel the distance grow between us as he drifts further away from me. His affection is diminishing and his efforts seem so apparent, no longer natural or desirable.

He’s someone I enjoy spending my time with no matter what we do. Sitting in the car. Watching a movie. We have great conversations. We both have a passion for food and the outdoors. Hiking trails, swimming, going to parks, and playing chess. And even when we argue, we listen to each other and we’re comfortable enough to be open. We realize our mistakes and are open about that, too. He’s someone I want to build a future with and someone who puts effort into me. I’m more than a desire to be knocked off his to-do list like work on a scrapbook but someone he actually makes a priority. But somewhere along the line I lost him…the first guy I ever wanted as my boyfriend.

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